#in a way i'm finding surprisingly difficult to articulate?

[dyed-red]

ooh please expand on why you think sam didn't go to a school in new york? (and why he did go to california)

in response to the tags on this post.

also sorry this took me a while to get back to, i started replying then had to save in drafts.

-

ooh okay. so. i’m not going to articulate this well at all, but i’ll try.

First thing: population density.

The Winchesters spend the bulk of their time in small towns and smaller cities. They seem to rove about in all corners of the US, but we very seldom see them in major cities or in densely populated areas (and they seem to seldom visit either the northeast or the southeast but some of that is for another post sometime).

Obviously, Stanford is in Palo Alto, which is in the Bay Area, which includes San Fransisco, Oakland, San Jose, and smaller communities. The population density of the Bay Area is about ~1100 per square mile. Palo Alto itself is a bit more with a density of 2800 people per square mile. But like...  NYC comes in at ~29k people per square mile. So there's really no comparison. 

Population density often comes with traffic, noise, a more rushed pace of life, less community and social connection and other issues. It can be A Lot to people who aren’t used to it, and it’s not something Sam’s upbringing would have accustomed him to in any comfortable way. Not to say that the Bay Area has none of that, but overall much less. NYC is probably the extreme end of this scale to be honest -- it is The City That Never Sleeps. It is bustling and loud and busy and overwhelming as hell, especially in a sensory way.

Given how much of a leap Sam was already making by going to university at all, it makes sense that he’d want to go somewhere less overwhelming, where he’d feel a bit less like a complete gawking novice.

There’s also the vibe of both places.

NYC has a reputation as a world city. It is historical, huge and layered and absorbs all manner of folk from all walks of life into a complex mosaic of interactions. It is in many ways very impersonal. It is where It is happening in terms of important major-scale world events. While it might be selling you the promise of reinventing yourself and being lost in the crowd, it’s typically less about becoming a different you and more about success, about being where it's at, about being part of the fabric of this intensely unique place.

There’s not really anything about it I’d describe as quaint? I’m sure pockets are and the locals would be able to point to them, but that’s not its reputation, and assuming Sam had been there before sending out applications, I don’t think that would be his perception of it. It’s not inviting to outsiders, necessarily, except that it swallows and absorbs all types of people without issue. While appealing to someone who feels other, unclean, etc, that may be appealing, but he’s seeking normalcy, not to embrace his otherness.

California has a very different reputation (and vibe) than NYC.

Not to say the core of California as LA is not loud and overwhelming and that Hollywood is not also a complex layered historical city, but even there (which is not where Sam went), you have a much lower population density, less hustle and bustle, and the impersonal aloofness of the city has a different tone to it.

But California in general, and the Bay Area? Cali has this sunshine vibe, and by reputation (and to a certain extent, reality, though ymmv) it is this progressive bastion of more free thought and acceptance. There’s a longstanding history of queer people moving to NYC or to California, and for good reason. Places that accept all manner of people. The Bay Area is very true for this as well.

In Cali, that promise of freedom is big, and that promise is tinged with reinventing yourself. This is LA in a big way, but in the Bay Area Silicon Valley? The promise of meritocracy is big too, that American Dream of hard work = success embedded in the fabric of the area’s development. Your background doesn’t matter, not compared to what you’re bringing to the table.

While the east coast scholarly history and the sheer number of incredible universities along the American east coast would appeal to Sam, the Bay Area also has a ridiculous number of very good schools, but they are less old-school, old-money elite than many on the east coast. They are not the Ivy Leagues, they are the younger upstarts who hit at the same level despite not coming from the same pedigree. This, I think, would appeal to Sam on a deep level.

(Also - not like, consciously. Sam isn’t sitting there thinking about things this way when he’s 16-17 and trying to figure out what he’s going to do. He’s just absorbing cultural narratives and responding to them and trying to figure out what fits best and feels best. He’s got more important things to think about than any of what I’ve mentioned here).

Also, just to reiterate, the Bay Area actually is kind of quaint in places. San Fransisco and its iconic colourful townhouses and hills? That lower population density and slower more chill pace of life? It would appeal more to a person who has spent most of their life in smaller towns. Not to say that these cities are without their issues (good luck finding a public washroom in San Fransisco. And good luck with the cost of living omg), but vibe-wise, I think it fits Sam much better than NYC.

Practicalities

NYC gets cold in winter. Sam has lived in some shit places, probably with quite variable heat and cooling, not to mention nights in the car and at the whims of the elements. If you’re going to live in a shit apartment with drafts etc., or god forbid spend a night on the streets if you can’t find a place to stay, then you want to be in the place with the warmer climate where you’re less likely to die of exposure.

Also, both NYC and the Bay Area have pretty good public transport as far as US cities go, and are more urbanist cities than many in North America. There’s no question that NYC wins in this regard, but the Bay Area doesn’t fall so short that it’s out of the running. Sam doesn’t mind walking or doing what he needs to in order to get around so I don’t think he’d take public transit much except for long distances when he has to, but given the complete lack of resources he’s starting out with, the walkability or transport options of the area maybe mattered.

That might have also helped disqualify very high quality universities in college towns or ones in parts of the US which might have felt more familiar, actually? Because as much as Sam likes small towns, considering he’s trying to present himself as Joe Normal and shuffle off the skin of his previous hunting experiences and life, he doesn’t want to find himself in a position where he needs to steal a car in order to get out of a given situation or to get somewhere. He needs independence in a way that doesn’t make him stand out.

He also wants something different than how he was raised, wants to disappear into a larger city at least a little, get away from the feeling of constraint that small towns imposed on him and gain that sense of freedom and novelty and exploration that comes from being in a bigger city for the first time.

So - California.

[green-meanies]

Okay I'm done being cute, gonna rapid fire the rest of these headcanons let's gooooo

Ace

Ace is a jerk, yes, but he does show moments of kindness that are reserved only for his gang. He genuinely does care about them as they're the only family he's ever had. These moments only happen when they're alone, though, and that's because...

He's insistent on them keeping up the appearance of menacing troublemakers. That's what has gotten them by for so long, and he doesn't want anyone exploiting a weakness (especially after Aspirations)

On a brighter note, Ace thinks he knows all there is to flirting until he actually does it. In his head he's a suave smooth-talker, but in reality he comes off as an awkward dork at best (but in an endearing way, so it still kind of works lol)

He got into a lot of fights as a kid. It started out as self defense from bullies, then turned into him deliberately picking fights to discourage others from targeting him. Hurt them before they can hurt you and whatnot

Big Billy

He actually looked pretty normal as a baby, aside from his one eye and green skin. He began having growth spurts a few years later, and getting a lot stronger

As a child he had a habit of snacking in his sleep, as a result of the growth spurts he was going through. This is not good when your friends are trying to maintain a food supply. Luckily he has since curbed this habit, though it still happens every once in a while

Billy doesn't take well to being abandoned. He gets nervous when left alone or if someone he likes leaves without him, and gets visibly upset if they don't come back.

Of the gang, he's the most open about his issues, but because he has such a childlike mind, it can be difficult to articulate his feelings

Grubber

Like Billy, he looked like a normal baby despite the green skin. The grotesque appearance that we're familiar with didn't start developing until a few years later

He never went to school because his parents were embarrassed about him, but he still managed to teach himself how to read and play several different instruments

He's naturally curious and likes to explore and experiment. He's usually the first to find a new place or object of interest

Grubber dresses in rags because good clothes are hard to come by without stealing, so he lets his friends have whatever they find. He's very insistent about it

Lil Arturo

Being practically raised by Ace, Arturo picked up a few habits from him. He puts the most effort into his appearance after Ace, and developed a more pragmatic demeanor, taking advantage of his small size to lower the guard of the gang's victims (Buttercrush and Bought and Scold being notable examples)

Despite this, he's actually pretty chill when they're just hanging out. He's really only malicious to those outside his gang, but it does rank him as second meanest

Arturo is a known prankster. As a child he was always teaming up with Grubber to mess with the others, which marked him as the annoying little brother. He clearly hasn't lost his touch, since he did win the pranking contest in that one comic :)

Random headcanon, but Arturo has at least a passing interest in history. My only evidence for this is in Buttercrush as he was the one who specified it was a Mesopotamian vase, and the way he said it seemed like he wasn't just reading off the label, like he knew exactly what it was

Snake

It's obvious that Snake looks up to Ace a lot and will do anything to impress him. I headcanon that he went as far as adopting Ace's bad boy demeanor growing up. Unlike Arturo, this was a conscious choice rather than influence, especially once Ace started praising him for it

On his own he's actually pretty quiet and nicer than most of the other members. He's also a smartass who likes to crack jokes, but since this get suppressed by Ace, it's only ever seen when he's left to his own devices

He's surprisingly self-sufficient and resourceful when the need arises. There were a lot of times as a kid where he had to take care of himself. Snake can manage on his own but doesn't like to be by himself for long periods of time. It makes him anxious, but he won't admit it

As a result he's the most knowledgeable in first aid. He's the one who patches up the gang if their injuries are bad enough

He also knows how to drive and operate heavy machinery (witnessed in Buttercrush and one or two comics). When he's bored, he'll find a vehicle in the dump to fiddle around with. Boy definitely knows how to hot-wire a car

[vilicity]

How have your experiences been with heart breaks and break ups in your past? I've recently ended things with my boyfriend and god do I feel messy, confused, and broken. I know this is the right thing, and I'm aware of what I need to look for in a next relationship, but if you have any advice for moving past heart aches? Or relaxing into them? Hellllppppp.

Surprisingly enough, or maybe not so surprisingly, breakups have gotten easier for me with each one. I think through my past couple of relationships, I’ve really begun to understand what it is that I want for myself. Through some sort of grueling process, I’ve garnered a more solidified sense of self and self-worth. I see my values and belief system more clearly. It’s difficult to articulate because it’s a visceral understanding. I’ve come to realize that bad men, or men who need to work on themselves, will not take away my faith in my ideals. By abandoning what I believe I deserve in relationships because of bad experiences gives those experiences gravity and power which I can’t and won’t part with. I hold the power of what I believe in for myself and what I know I deserve. Knowing that this power is mine to keep gives me solace. There are always moments where I look back on genuinely good things that existed between myself and past lovers. I know that what I’m remembering is what they were at that time and not the person they couldn’t be when it was important or the person who had gotten lost to their own psychological struggles, torments, fuck if I know. And at the end of the day, I’m not resentful anymore. I’m not here to « fix » people or force them to treat me the way I know I deserve to be treated. Instead, I know when to walk away and have learned how to earnestly hope that those people can someday find some reprieve.

[tiergan-vashir]

this might be something weird to ask but I legitimately don't know what to do or where to turn with this. do you have any advice for how to not resent being the "last-resort" friend? meaning that people only willingly interact or talk with you when there's literally nobody else around? it hurts more than I can articulate and I'm honestly getting to the point where I don't know whether I can keep going, but when I try to mention it I'm called "melodramatic" or that I'm "trying to start drama"

Oph.

I’m really sorry about that, anon. Is this a persistent thing that’s happened across numerous multiple friend groups over a long, extended period of time or is this just a thing happening with one group of “friends”?

If it’s the former:  If you have the means and the resources, I would strongly recommend seeking out a therapist and speak with her about all of these feelings. I DO NOT mean this as some kind of snide diss. I have a therapist and she has literally changed my life. I am so much better, happier, and healthier than I ever was before.  So please know I bring this up with great love and empathy.

If there’s one thing I noticed about RP communities, is that a lot of the time, huge swaths of the community are secretly hurting and dealing with something. It doesn’t necessarily have to be something as serious as depression or some other major mental illness.  Sometimes it’s something as simple as always feeling alone or always feeling like the one left behind or unloved - both in and out of the game.  

When we’re hurting, sometimes we can’t always see everything as clearly as we would like. Sometimes the world is colored by the pain we carry, so much so it manifests as a horrible thought.  This thought takes up room, space, and becomes so tangible and terrible that it’s practically real, and then suddenly our minds work on overdrive trying to find evidence to prove that horrible thought is true.

It’s possible that you aren’t actually the “last-resort friend”, but that a part of your mind badly hurting is so convinced of it that it’s constantly looking for the signs, skewing your perception so that you notice all the times you seem like that “last-resort friend” more than you do anything else.  It festers like a rotten wound until it’s unbearable. The horrible thought becomes your world.

A good therapist can help you break the cycle, silence the terrible thought, help you see what’s really true.  And if you ARE the “last-resort friend” after all, a good therapist can help you figure out whether something else might be going on - whether it’s something you are doing (do you have unhealthy habits that are alienating people and might be making them uncomfortable?) or if it’s something you have to be vigilant for in the future (do you have a personality type that happens to attract folks that only want to be friends on a superficial level?)

If you don’t have the resources to find a therapist, or you’re terrified and not ready to find one yet (it’s a big step!), or you’re REALLY annoyed I brought up therapy to start with - then just know that if you are in a lot of emotional pain, sometimes it can skew your perception. It’s going to be difficult, but you’ll have to sit and try to objectively sort out whether it’s you, your friends, or something else that’s making things rocky - which is hard when you don’t have a support figure around to help sanity-check you.  If you have a different trusted friend uninvolved with all of this, maybe they can help?

If the latter, and you’ve only experienced it with this one particular friend group that you’ve made.  I would bail.  

I know, I know - very easy to say, very hard to do.  But you are a person of worth, anon. You deserve friends whose first impulse is not to call you melodramatic or tell you that you’re trying to start drama.  Especially as whether or not you’re being melodramatic, if my friend told me they felt this way, my first impulse would be horror and then sadness.  Clearly my friend is experiencing some pain and melancholy that’s not being addressed and I should treat them with some basic compassion. If I was your friend, I would want to ask questions and figure out if this is an issue I can help with. Is there something I’m doing wrong?  Are there reasonable ways I can help or change? Is this something that is within my means, power, and spoon-count to address and help mend - or is this is an issue that only a therapist could really help resolve?  The fact that your friends don’t appear to be doing this and are just brushing you off as drama-hungry is kinda weird to me.  

People are different and respond in different ways, so it may not be fair for me to judge others by my own personal metric. That said, I guess I’m old and cranky enough these days that I really only want to surround myself with folks who will show some empathy towards my pain if I express I’m hurting.  And it sounds like you are hurting. You deserve to spend your time with people who care.

The community is large and vast - so much bigger now with the rise of World Visit and how surprisingly well implemented it is.  There will be other friends.  Better and more empathetic ones.  You just have to be willing to cut the people from your life that are not worth your time/energy and search for the folks who are worthy of you instead.

Hope this helps in some way.