#imagining Ava's face if she flipped over a card

[acornered]

“a cosmic wrecking ball”

huge shoutout to Hacks for actually doing research on their tarot cards and not just using the Death card to mean Bad Thing. This drives me crazy about so many other shows (looking at you Killing Eve) and it frustrates me to no end. Not only did Hacks do right by explaining that Death is not an inherently bad card and can also indicate a rebirth, but they really went the extra mile when she pulled the Tower to indicate an impending disaster, correctly identifying it as a worse card than Death because it implies a sudden upheaval/destruction of one's foundation. 

[virtual-viruviru]

|| CV - Special Episode 1 ->

-> ALSO CHARACTER SPOILERS!! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED LATE-

-> Ready?

Tonight was a special night, they're holding a major game of UNO with Mori invited! Insane right!? Blossom managed to convince him to come peacefully for once and have fun with them!

"Alright everyone it's UNO time!" Virtual annouced as all 10 people gather around a big round table. She took the pack of UNO cards and before handing out cards, shuffled them up until no one could know which card was which. Everyone was then handed 7 cards, while everyone was busy organizing their cards and planning out their strategies, she picked up a card from the pile.

"Yellow, nine!"

"CLOCK-WISE!"

Lorel yelled back all smug looking, to the left of Virtual sat Lorel with her cards, her legs crossed sitting like a queen would. To the right of her was Nobody who bursted out laughing at Andrew as he pouted with his arms crossed. "No fair!" Said Ava, who sat next to Andrew while Slime nodded beside her. "Don't worry buddy-" Virtual whispered as she counted, starting from Lorel:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

"6"

"7"

"8"

"9"

"Andrew you're up first buddy!" She said happily as his face lights up, "Awh yeah!!" he squealed as he put down a 'Choose color', "Blue" he replied immediately. Virtual chuckled as they placed down a double six, blue and red, without hesitation. Lorel thought carefully for a moment before placing down a red, five. Nobody replied back with a green, five- " Hah, no u!" PP laughed as they placed down a green reverse card, "Jokes on you I'm into that!" They said as they placed down a green, three. Lorel whispered something softly to herself as she played a green zero before the turn went to Virtual. They wondered which card should they play? They strategized for a minute before placing down a green skip, "Sorry buddy-" They said softly to Andrew as he gasped, I think he'd died a bit inside.

Ava giggled and played a double 2, green and yellow before Slime who placed down a yellow five. It was now Shandy's turn, she looked Mori with a smirk on her face as she raise up a plus 2 for him to see, "Don't you DARE!" Mori gasped as she placed it down. Mori flipped her off as he drew two cards from the deck, the turn was now given to Blossom. "Hey PP, would you like a 2 or a 4?" Blossom said innocently, PP seeing as they had both a two and a four, "Any!" They said happily with a smile before it faded away as Blossom puts down a pair of double plus 2 cards, green and yellow. Everyone else gasped as Blossom laughed ominously, they've been hanging around Mori too much it seems. "But the r-"

"No one said we couldn't play a double plus in one turn!" Blossom cut them off immediately.

PP hesitatingly took four cards from the deck as they cried inside while Mori looked at Blossom impressed, who knew they could also be so evil?

"Oh no... uh... Hey Lorel?" Nobody asked

"Yes?"

"You know how we're really good friends right?"

"... Yes, go on."

" Well... “

As they had no other cards they could use, nobody placed down a green plus 2 onto the pile. Lorel stared them right in the eye as she picked up two cards from the deck, "I'll have my revenge just you wait!" She said as she sat back down with her arms crossed. Virtual sighed happily as they said-

“UNO!" Before placing down a triple eight, green, blue and red.

"What!?" Andrew said as he stared at his cool buddy while she hummed a song. He placed down a double two, red and blue before passing the turn off to Ava who quickly placed down a plus 4.

"N-No hesitant at all?" Slime said weakly as they looked at their friend, "No~" Ava replied.

Slime immediately smashed their head down onto their poor cards as Andrew took four cards from the deck and passed it onto the passed out Slime, "Yellow!". Shandy placed down double ones, yellow and green. Mori replied with a pair of double eights, green and red before Blossom then placed down a blue eight. "Phew!" Said PP as they placed down quarduple sevens, blue, green and two reds. Nobody placed down a yellow seven happily, Lorel peeked over Virtual's shoulder before placing down a plus 4.

"Oh no! I'm so sorry I TOTALLY didn't have any other card I could've played!"

"Lorel that's cheating!" Launch said from behind her, "You do have a card you can play! And she wouldn't win anyways!"

"Hey wait you're right! Oops sorry Virtual~"

Lorel took back her plus 4 and replaced it with a yellow skip. "You cheater!" She whined as her turn was skipped to Andrew, he comforted his cool buddy but laughed evilly inside, she'd skipped him too remember? He looked back at his cards and smirked, "Oh Ava~ Oh Slime~ Do you have any cards you can play?" Slime woke up from their smol coma.

"A lot!" They said in unison

"Whoops-" He said as he placed down a pair of skips, blue and green.

A sudden realization hit him, "Uh-"

"Uno? Too late!" Slime yelled out while laughing, "NoooooOOOOOO!" Andrew yelled in defeat, karma went back to get him real quick as he went to pick up two new cards from the deck. Ava and Slime laughed together while Shandy grumbled to herself as she reached out to grab a card from the deck. A sudden an idea hit Mori, he snapped his fingers behind his back as he summoned a 'WB' or otherwise known as 'Writer's block' right behind Virtual. "WATCH OUT!" Blossom yelled as Lorel turned to whack WB in the face with her wings, knocking it fifty feet away from them. "You alright?" Virtual was dumbfounded, what just happened? She thought as she looked at the hole in her hide out's wall. This, while everyone was distracted, gave Mori enough time to switch three of his cards with Slime, PP and Shandy. He switch a blue three for Shandy's blue reverse, blue nine for PP's blue skip and blue two for Slime's plus 2 with an additional of putting his blue one back into the shuffled deck.

They finally settled down and Mori placed down PP's blue skip which he stole, "Sorry Blossom." He whispered quietly to them, "No worries!" They replied as they smiled at their friend. PP looked at their cards and reached out to where her blue skip was to only find out a blue nine replaced it, 'Wait I thought I had a blue skip!?' They thought but shrugged it off, it's probably just their imagination as they placed down the nine already in their hand. Nobody the placed down their green nine, "Phew-" Lorel said as she placed down double nines, green and red. Virtual sighed as she picked up a card from the deck before passing the turn to her cool buddy Andrew. Andrew smiled and placed down double ones, red and yellow before yelling out "UNO!" really fast yet you could still hear the excitement in his voice.

Ava glanced over to Slime before deciding to place down her yellow seven instead of her yellow plus 2, let's just cut Slime some slack and let them play shall we? Slime squeaked excitingly before placing down one of their plus 4 and looked happily over to Shandy as they clapped their hands cutely while Shandy picked up four new cards from the deck sadly. Mori laughed as and happily placed down a yellow five onto the pile. Blossom let out a sigh and put down their 'Choose color' card, "Red..." They said as PP placed down their red four happily. Nobody groaned as they went to pick up a card from the perfectly shuffled deck while Lorel smirks as she placed down a red reverse.

"WHAT!? Are you kidding meeeeee!' Nobody whined as they went to pick up another card whole Lorel stuck her tongue out all smug at them while Virtual bonked her on the head.

PP happily placed down her red one before it turned over to Blossom, they then placed down a green reverse. "... no u" Said PP as they smacked Blossom in the face gently with another green reverse before placing it down also. Blossom groaned and picked up a card from the deck while Mori shrugged, "No complaints." They said as they set down a blue reverse onto the pile. "THANK YOU MORI I APPRECIATE THAT A LOT!!" Blossom said frustratingly as they picked up yet another card while Mori snickered quietly, it was funny to him when Blossom gets impatient. PP placed down a 'choose color' card, "Eh-"

Nobody whispered "Red~"

"Red? Sure thing then, red!"

"YES!" Nobody said as they slam down their red plus 2 onto the pile as they looked up with a smirk towards Lorel as she grumbled while she picked up two cards from the deck. Virtual sighed impatiently as she picked up another card from the deck while Andrew happily placed down their LAST DOUBLE GREEN AND BLUE THREE CARDS!?!?

"I WIN!!!" Andrew screamed as everyone clapped while groaning except for Slime who was now conveniently unconscious again, you see there was a catch to this Uno game as well.

Everyone had a special request IF they win first place and Andrew's request was that someone would have to buy him a giant Nightmare plushie. That 'someone' was Ava and Slime.

"Let's just continue, we'll get you your prize later buddy!" Virtual said while clapping their hands to get everyone's attention. Andrew sat back down, happily eating some chips while Ava sighed and placed down double fours, green and yellow, onto Andrew's winning cards. Virtual tapped Slime's head to wake them up, Slime looked at their cards and picked out a yellow eight then placed it down, Shandy followed in by placing down quarduple threes, blue, yellow, red and another blue. Mori decided to spare Blossom of his plus 2 and passed a blue five onto the pile instead. Blossom breathed in as they picked out another card from the deck and so did PP AND apparently so did Nobody! That chain of pain gave Lorel a happy feeling as she placed down a blue zero, Virtual smiled as she placed down a blue one. Ava with no hesitation, picked up a card from the deck before Slime placed slid a blue five onto the pile. Shandy played a pair of ones, blue and green, Mori frowned as they picked up a card from the shuffled deck but it faded as he as able to play the green six he'd gotten. Blossom squealed happily as they now get to play their yellow six! PP snickered, "Hey Nobody, what's your favorite thing to do outside?"

"Oh I like-"

"I really like skipping!" PP interrupted them as they placed down a yellow skip, Nobody was left speechless as the turn went on to Lorel.

Lorel was about to place down a plus 4 but noticed that she had another card and placed down a 'choose color' card instead, "Red," She smirked.

"Lucky~" She whispered to Virtual. She laughed nervously as she placed down her red four card onto the pile. "Uno!" Virtual said quickly while sweating. Ava glanced at her before picking up a card from the deck, Slime placed down their yellow four. "It's a fortune! (Four chain - Lmfao I'm sorry)" Shandy said while placing down her blue four, "Uno then." Said Mori as he placed down his plus 2, "Sorry Blossom~". Blossom sighed but picked up the two cards anyways, PP also had to pick up one from the shuffled deck and again the chain began as Nobody also picked up a card. "Ah I don't have a card! Whatever shall I do!?" Lorel said in a dramatic voice while she picked up her plus 4 and played it. "Red!"

"You-!" Lorel slapped a hand on Virtual's mouth, picking up four cards and handed it to her. "Shhhhh it's okay~"

Ava snickered and placed down her yellow plus 2 before bursting out laughing, "Here comes the chain!" She said while Slime picks up two more cards. "And you'd be right!" Said Shandy who played her blue plus 2 happily, "UNO!"

"GOD DA-" Blossom puts their hand over Mori's mouth before he could continue while picking up two cards for him and playing a blue four of their own. PP then played a blue six, allowing Nobody to finally play their double sixes, red and green. "Uno~!" Said Lorel happily as she placed down a green four. "Hmph well UNO as well!" Virtual said as she placed down triple nines, two green and a blue. "Ah I wish I could've continued the Uno train..." Ava said sadly as they picked up a card from the newly shuffled deck. Slime played a blue two leaving Shandy having to let go of her winning chance for now as she picked a card from the deck. Mori groaned as he picked another card from the deck again while Blossom played their red two. PP placed down a yellow two, "Two choo train!" Nobody laughed while placing down their green two. Lorel pouted and picked up a card as did Virtual. Ava played a green skip since it was all they had left. "Stop it Avaaaaaa!" Slime whined as their turn was skipped again, "Thanks Avaaaaaa!" Shandy said as she played a green one, "Uno!". Mori huffed and played his yellow one and Blossom played their yellow nine straight after. Those cards gave PP no chance to play, they drew a card from the deck as Nobody played a yellow eight, "Uno! Let's see who's winning second place huh?" They nudged Lorel's by the shoulder. She groaned and picked up a card from the deck, Virtual laughed, "And that person would be me!" She said as she placed down a pair of reverses, yellow and red, then immediately after she said "UNO!" She placed down her last card, a red eight. She turned to Andrew and gave him a high-five and sat back, took a plastic container that holds three pieces of churros and started munching on them.

"You were just lucky!" Said Nobody, "I'll be third for sure!"

"No I will!" Lorel replied

"Then try~"

"It's on!"

Ava sigh happily as she watch her friends goof around trying to see each other's cards as she took one from the deck. Slime played double nines, red and blue, forcing Shandy to pick up another card. Mori relaxed as he played his red nine card down onto the pile, Blossom played down double skips with a smirk on their face. "Uno~!" Said Lorel again, "Thanks Blossom!"

"Hmph-" Ava huffed while picking up another card, Slime happily placed down double sevens, blue and green, peacefully without any tricks. Too bad the trick has already been played. "Uno!!" Said Shandy excitingly, "Uno.' Said Mori as he placed his green eight down, looking directly at her. "No!" Blossom said as they sadly pick up a card from the deck but that sadness faded as they could play the card they'd just picked up, a green five "Uno!". "You guys are so lucky!!" PP said as they picked up another card from the deck, "Oh wait nevermind-" They play the green four as soon as they got it. "Ack come on Lady Luck!" Nobody prayed as they picked up their new card, "Lady luck wasn't on your side and neither was she on mine, sadly." Lorel said picking up a new card from the deck. "Oops actually she was on mine, Uno!" Lorel laughed while placing down her new green six as Nobody whined. "She's on mine too apparently!" Ava said as she played the card she'd just picked up, a yellow six. "Is she on yours as well?" Slime shrugged and played their yellow zero. "SHE'S SURE HELL IS ON MINE!!" Shandy yelled as she slammed her last card down on the pile, a yellow nine. "I'm with you this time." Mori said confidently as he played his last card as well, a yellow five.

"Lucky y- Oh hey she's on my side as well!" Blossom said as she picked up her new card and played it, a yellow skip. "Yeah she's not on mine anymore apparently..." PP said sadly while Nobody laughed, "Yeah, and she sure isn't on Lorel's side!" They said as they played a blue skip. "Awh no fair!" Lorel whined, "Don't worry Lorel you can do this!" Virtual patted Lorel on the back as Andrew sat beside her, fallen asleep, seems like it was too boring for him to handle. "Thank you lady luck~" Ava said as she played her newly picked 'choose color' card, "Red!".

"Uno! Thanks Ava!" Slime said as they placed down a red one, "I never thought I'd hear myself say that!"

"Me too." Andrew said sleepily

"Andrew!!!"

Blossom sighed as they picked up a card which lady luck didn't bless. PP happily played their red one as well, "Lady Luck abandoned you too?" Blossom nodded as PP pat their head. Mori scoffed. "She's not on my side anymore!!" Nobody said as they picked up a card they couldn't play, "Yeah, because she's on MY SIDE!" Lorel slammed her last card down onto the pile, on her face expressed a victory smile. "NoooOO!!" Nobody said in a dramatic defeat. "Meh." Ava said as they played a red three, "Meh? MEH!? HAH, MEH WON!" Said Slime who jumped in victory as Ava sighed when Slime put down their plus 4 card, "Yellow!". "Evil, just, evil." Said Blossom who had to draw four new cards. "Yeah, evil definitely but I'm gonna change that, red." PP said after placing a 'choose color' card they'd just picked up. "You're Evil PP!" Nobody said as they picked up a card but luck for them, lady Luck was back on their side, they played a red four down onto the pile. "LADY LUCK WAS ON MY SIDE!!" Ava exclaimed as she yelled out "UNO!" Before placing down a pair of reverses and then her last card, a yellow seven just like how Virtual won. Blossom managed to play their double yellow four, "Awh she's not here!" PP said as they picked up a card they couldn't play. "UNO!!" Screamed Nobody, "I'm not gonna be last!!".

"We'll see about that~!" Said Mori smuggly who sat on the opposite side of the table.

"Whatever!"

"Uno!" Said Blossom in the most adorable voice ever, even Mori's heart skipped a beat. Blossom sat back down happily, awaiting their victory. PP placed down a blue eight with hesitation while looking at Nobody. "I!!!! Don't have it..." Nobody started and went down hill as quickly as a athletic's heartbeat while running a race, they picked up a card, "I win!!" Blossom said happily as they hugged Mori, "D-Don't touch me!" Mori pushed them away quickly, "Awhh, UNO!" Said Nobody as they played a green reverse, "Hah Uno you!" PP replied back. It was now an intense battle between PP and Nobody! Nobody picked up a blue reverse and played it,

"Uno u!"

"UNO RED!" PP said as they placed down a 'color choose' card, "Heh there's no way you could-"

"Uno u." Said Nobody as they put down a red plus 2, "There IS a way~!"

"Oh my God how!?" Ava said while Slime gasped, they thought PP had it in the bag!

"No idea but it's gone now." Nobody picked up a card they couldn't play. "Uno u!" Said PP as they played a red zero card down onto the pile. Nobody concentrated and played the red seven they'd just picked up. Surprisingly PP also picked up the same card and played it down, Nobody picked up another card, a yellow seven and it was like faith failed them as they put down the card.

"I WIN!!" Yelled PP as they placed down a pair of yellow and blue skip.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Nobody yelled out as they placed their cards back down onto the table for everyone to see. "You'll be buying the ice creams then!" PP patted Nobody's back as they groaned.

"Slime, Ava don't forget about my plushie!!" Andrew yelled out happily, "Yeah yeah we got it!" Ava said as they dragged Slime out of the hideout to get Andrew his Nightmare plushie. "That was fun!" Blossom squealed as they hugged Mori, "For goodness sake Blossom!" Mori scoffed as Blossom laughed.

"What do you guys wanna do in next?”

—————————————————————————————————

Oh woah, that took longer than expected! Haha, I actually had to laid out ten pile of uno cards with each person’s name on it- It took hours to play AND write at the same time so this was as accurate as it could be, I have no idea how Andrew won because the discord suggested him finishing 9th out of 10 but yay you got yourself a NM plushie that Slime and Ava had to pay for! :D

Here is the list of everyone in this!

@andrew-imposter

@is-this-the-real-slime

@onlyplatonicirl

@digital-template

@shandycandy278

@lordterronus

@ava-the-lost-artist

@greetings-and-yeetings

@blossomtato

And Mori <3

Mini mention: <3

@joho-the-travelling-merchant

[bittysvalentines]

The Birthday Surprise

From: @airplanesandcookies

To: @leahlisabeth​

Rating: G or T

I was so happy to write a fic for leahlisabeth.  We have the same soft spot for Bakery AUs and this was a joy to write.  I hope you enjoy your Bitty Valentine.  

A little girl with the biggest blue eyes Bitty had ever seen, stood in front of his cash register, pulling out folded dollar bills from the bottom of a very large and orange piggy bank. 

Bitty could feel his heart expanding like a balloon in his chest.  

After pulling out what he could only count as a jumble, she pushed the money towards him and pointed towards the display case.  “Is this enough for that cake?”

Even if it wasn’t, Bitty was going to give her the cake just because she delighted him so.  His heart couldn’t take this much cute in a morning before his second cup of coffee.  It was too much.  

“Absolutely.  Do you want me to write anything on it.”  Bitty asked as he pulled out a small chocolate cake and placed it delicately into a box.  

Little blue eyes bounced on her bare tiny toes that Eric noticed from under her pajama pants.  “Happy Birthday, Daddy!”  And can you draw a Falcon on it.  He’ll like that.” 

Children usually came into the shop, maybe not with a piggy bank, but always with shoes and an adult.  

“Honey, I can’t help but notice, where is your grown-up?”  Bitty asked carefully, reaching over to grab the white frosting to write the message.  

The girl leaned towards the counter.  “He’s still sleeping.  Now I get to surprise him!”  She said, conspiratorially.  

“Oh!  I see.  You know, I would be very worried if I woke up and my kiddo was gone.”

She blinked owlishly at him for a second before adding.   “I left him a note, just in case.”

Bitty cast his eyes over to the front door.  The clock hadn’t moved much since this very small child rang the little bell over the door by walking into his shop. 

“I’m a little nervous.  Do you think we can call your dad now and let him know where you are so I can feel better about you being here?” 

The little girl’s eyes grew even larger and misted over.  “But, the surprise?”  

Oh my god.  Eric thought.  This was it.  His paternal instincts were activated.  Abundance of affection, overflowing.  Bitty was going to be a dad now.  

Bitty sighed.  Logically he knew that he could not adopt a little lost girl like a kitten, but that didn’t stop his overactive imagination from planning out a lifetime of first days of school and making her cookies when she was sad. 

Who could possibly lose this precious little angel of a baby child.  Eric was not going to cry.  He was going to be the grown-up that she needed until he could locate her grown-ups.  And if he couldn’t find them, then he would immediately adopt her and rename his bakery, ‘Bitty and Bit’s Bakery.’  

But he didn’t have time to even contemplate pulling out his phone to call the police before a very large and very muscular man went running frantically past the shop door, before skidding to a stop, pivoting and yanking open the bakery door.  

He was blue eyed and barefoot, just like the little girl standing stock still at his register.  

“Ava!”  

“Daddy!”

Mr. Tall and beautiful scooped up his child and spun her into a tight hug.  

“You scared me.  You can’t just walk out of the apartment like that.  It’s not safe.”

Ava clung to him, her little voice squeaky with tears.  “I’m sorry daddy, but I wanted to surprise you.”

Eric lip quivered as he watched their reunion.  He was not going to cry like this was a corny Hallmark movie.  Not until they left and he was recounting the story to Lardo. 

To distract himself (and to keep himself from staring), he finished writing the birthday message and boxed up the cake.  

Ava’s father cleared his throat and Bitty looked up, not noticing that he had walked up to the counter and good grief, this man was as hot.  Magazine cover worthy, farmer’s market hot, and thick, Eric was going to expire right here in his shop.  

“I am so sorry,” the deep voice said and every thought in his head went out the door.   “I had no idea she had left.”  He waved a sheet of paper between them. “Glad she left a note.”

The “note” was a picture drawn in crayon of a roughly brown box with an arrow pointing towards the first floor.  It took a second, but Bitty recognized that the circle drawn next to the arrow was a picture of the pie from his Bakery’s sign. 

“Can I have it?  I want to frame it and hang it on the wall.”  

Jack handed it over with a smile and Bitty took it reverently enjoying the little details like the yellow sun in the top corner and the big blue planters with strawberry plants sticking up.

When Bitty finally spoke again, his voice was a little horse.  “I’m so glad you got here so quickly.  She was only down here for a few minutes.  I was going to try to call you and then maybe the police.”

The man nodded.  “Makes sense.  I’m Jack.  Ava and I live in the condos upstairs.”

“That makes sense.” Eric said, looking down at Jack’s bare feet.

Jack wiggled his toes.  “I panicked.  I may have forgotten my shoes.”

“It’s good that I’m the owner.  I can waive the no shoes, no shirt, no service rule.” Eric said, knowing that he sounded like he was flirting with a married man.  But he didn’t see a ring.  “I’m Eric, but everyone calls me Bitty.”  

Jack blushed, the pink coming over his cheeks under his morning stubble.

Ava pushed up onto her toes and moved the box over to Jack.  “Daddy, happy birthday!”  

Jack picked back up his daughter and looked over at the box.  “This caused all the fuss?”

Eric’s pride bubbled up, “I’ll have you know, it was worth it.”

Jack smirked as he met Eric’s eyes and opened the box.  Now that the anxiety was gone, his smiles came easily.  “Oh my gosh!  Thank you.  Nice Falcon!” He said kissing her head. 

“You told me not to turn on the stove, so I couldn’t make a cake.  I’m sorry I scared you,”

Jack hugged his child.  “I understand.  Next time, we’ll make different choices though.”

Eric fussed, pulling on the sleeves of his shirt and straightening his apron.  

“How much do I owe you?” Jack asked.

Bitty waved the picture at him.  “It’s your birthday, no charge.  Plus, this counts as my first commissioned picture of my bakery.”

“That’s no way to run a business.” 

“Good thing it’s my business.” Eric lobbed back, smiling and pushing the box and the wadded up bills towards the family. 

Ava, who had been oddly silent pipped up.  “Daddy, he’s really nice, you should ask him out on a date.”

Jack’s eyes went wide.

“You already said you thought he was cute.  And he makes cake.  He could be my new dad.” 

Bitty’s eyes went wide.

Ava beaconed towards Eric with her finger.  “Do you like kids?” She asked in a very loud whisper.  

“I love kids.”  Bitty whispered back.  

“Do you like hockey?”  Ava countered. 

“I played in college.  I was captain my senior year.” Bitty replied. 

“Bitty’s a hockey nickname?” Jack said, not really asking a question.  

“Okay. This is the most important question.”  Ava said, looking intense, “What is your favorite breakfast?” 

“Pancakes.”

Ava turned to her dad.  “Marry him.”  

Jack’s mouth gapped open and then closed without any sound coming out.

Bitty tried not to laugh, but failed.  

Ava smiled serenely. 

“You are a handful.” Bitty finally said, handing the cake box over to Jack.  He pulled out a business card, flipped it over, and scribbled down his phone number.

“I close up shop around 4pm.  Call anytime.”  Bitty said with a wink.  

Jack took the card, carefully read the number to himself before putting the card in his pocket and backing up from the register. 

“So, if you aren’t busy after 4pm, I was going to order take out and eat this awesome birthday cake my daughter bought me.  Would you like to join us for dinner?”  

Bitty smiled.  “That sounds like a lot of fun.  Can I bring anything?”

“More cake?” Ava said, eyeing the strawberry cupcakes in the case.  

“Just yourself.”  Jack said pulling his daughter out the door while balancing his cake.  “I’ll text you the details once I have my hands free?”

“You know where to find me.”

Jack and Ava beamed matching smiles before turning and walking out the door. 

Bitty only got through displaying out a few more cookies and scones for the lunch rush before his cell phone beeped.

<<Hi, it’s Jack. We live in Apartment 4 upstairs.  In case you couldn't guess, I am a single parent to a very independent 6 year old.  I really do hope you can make it later.  If you can't, let me know now so I can stop cleaning.>>

Bitty texted back.  <<I'm definitely coming.  I wouldn't miss it.>>

After a minute, he added a wink face because he was definitely flirting.

Jack winked back.  

4pm couldn't come fast enough.

[themoonandotherslikeit]

The Daughter of a Righteous Man- Chapter 21

*SEQUEL TO THE LOOK IN HER EYES*

After her husband is drug to Hell, Ava Winchester and her brother in law Sam try their best to do right by Dean and raise her daughter, only to find that good intentions aren’t always enough. Loving someone isnt always enough.

Chapter Twenty-One, A Way to You Again

Ava

Present Day

I was in and out of sleep all night constantly trying to make sure Dean was still alive.

He groaned and rolled over opening his eyes slowly. "Hey,” he croaked.

"Hey back," I whispered, like I had hundreds of time in our relationship.

"Ava..."

"Dean," I sighed. "We have been through a lot, you know?"

"Yeah. We have." He reached forward and pushed a curl out of my face.

"You really hurt me by sleeping with Anna."

He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. "I'm in a bad place."

"I get that," I said slowly, carefully. "But me being with Sam... that wasn't done to hurt you. You were with Anna to hurt me back. How can we have a marriage like that?"

Dean winced and nodded. "I understand."

"What? What do you understand?"

"You changed your mind. You don't want to be with me."

"Sit up, Dean Winchester," I said, sitting up myself. He followed my instruction and sat up, even though he was obviously sore. "Do you remember our wedding?"

He eyed me suspiciously, but nodded slowly. "Yeah, of course."

"I promised you forever, longer than Death. You promised that as long as you had breath in your body that you would belong to me. Were those lies?"

"No. I meant it. You're everything, Ava. Our family is everything... I just.. you were with Sam."

I shook my head. "Yes. I was with Sam. If you can't let that go, I understand. If you had a relationship with someone else I don't know how I'd react. I can't help what's happened in the past, all I can do is work out what is happening now."

"And what about how you feel now? Were you two together when I got back?"

It was a fair question. He was entitled to it. "Yes."

"You didn't get a chance for closure,” he said slowly. "I know Sam didn't."

"You two aren't allowed to talk about me," I said uncomfortably.

"I think you need to take some time."

"What do you mean? Like a break?"

"Not explicitly. Maybe you and Sam should... I don't know. Go somewhere to figure out your shit. I won't be able to stop worrying about it until I know you've worked it all out."

"You're sending me on what? A romantic weekend with your brother? I asked, confused.

"Not romantic." Dean scowled. "I just have to have my brother in my life, and even if you think you want to be with me... If you haven't had a chance to figure out what you really want then we may always wonder. Things can be civil if we do it now, but if you end up with him later... I don't know how our family can survive this."

I took his hands in mine. "Dean you were the only one for me. I went to your grave the day I decided to let Sam take me on a date. I had a long talk with you." I smiled sadly. "I was trying to do what I thought you would want. I was trying to be happy. I was trying to make Sam happy and give Nel a family. I was trying to make your sacrifice not be done in vain." I sucked in my breath. "It was only a few weeks ago that things really started. I don't feel like... I don't feel like it's enough to throw away us."

He stroked my ring finger. "You don't have anything to apologize for. You've always had a special bond with Sam. I did want you to be happy, and I didn't exactly put caveats on that." He smiled sadly. "I just want to make sure you make the right choice, because if you change your mind.. I don't know if I can let you go again."

I nodded slowly. I could do that. Maybe it's what Sam and I needed. To get everything out. I wrapped my arms around Deans neck, and he pulled me close, kissing my hair. "I will come back to you," I promised quietly.

Ella

About 16 years later

My favorite thing in the world was watching Claire sleep. I always woke up before her, and I could watch her for hours. She looked so peaceful, she wasn't trying too hard, she wasn't scowling, she wasn't making dumb jokes to impress me, or pretending she didn't care. She was just there. Her expression relaxed and her mouth open a bit. I wanted to kiss her when I saw her like that, but I didn't want to wake her up.

"What?" She grumbled with her eyes still closed.

She got in late last night, I didn't even notice her crawl into bed.

"You forgot to take off your eyeliner last night..." I smiled and rubbed some smudged black from the corner of her eye. "It's cute."

"You're cute," Claire grumbled, pulling me closer.

"Thank you." I smiled and placed a kiss on her nose.

"You know you shouldn't watch people sleep Ella. It's creepy."

"It's endearing," I countered. We laid together in silence for a few minutes. "So..."

"I didn't find anything." She opened her eye. "It was a dead end, El, I'm sorry."

My heart sunk. I never imagined losing my Dad. It wasn't in the cards. It wasn't an option. He was Dean Winchester, he would live forever.

Something changed in me, though, when I saw Micheal behind his eyes.

I ran into the dinning room to find Dad in a chair. I hadn't seen him in weeks and my heart squeezed at the sight of him.

"Kid, What are you doing here?" Uncle Sam asked, alarmed.

"Eleanor you need to leave, it isn't safe," Cas said intensely.

"What do you mean?" I asked as my eyes landed on the chains around Dads wrist. He was chained to the pillar. "What's going on? Dad?"

Dad smiled. "Your father is gone."

I can't describe the feeling I got when Micheals words spilled out of my fathers lips. Your father is gone. It felt all very Shinning.

"No."

"Yes," Micheal hissed.

I shook my head. "He's still in there. He has to be!" I shouted, walking to Micheal. "You've got him dressing like you, in your dumb hat," I said snatching it off his head. "He hates wearing suits, but he would never wear anything this pretentious!” 

"You're right, he wouldn't, but I would. Dean is gone."

My palm connected with his cheek in a loud smack! "Let him go! Dad, Dad listen to me! It's Eleanor! It's your daughter... please snap out of it! Fight!" I shook his shoulders in my hands, but Micheal just laughed. My fathers face no longer belonged to him.

"Sam get her out of here!" Cas shouted.

Uncle Sam grabbed me, pulling me off of Dad and he drug me out of the room. I didn't realize I was crying until he was wiping the tears off my cheeks. "Listen to me, kid," Sam whispered. "We will get him back. I promise."

I wrapped my arms around his middle and hugged him tightly, hoping to god he was right.

"We will find something," I said, pressing my forehead to Claire's. "I can't lose him." I sucked in my breath. I didn't have to be strong around her. We took turns.

"I know, baby,’ she whispered, stroking my hair.

Claire knew how it felt to lose both parents. She knew how it felt to look into her fathers eyes and see a stranger. Even if they said yes for valiant reasons... they were still gone. Even though Claire loved Cas, I still knew it was hard for her to not look at him and see her dad.

"Hey,” Claire murmured, tilting up my chin. "How was yesterday?"

I took a few deep breaths to quiet my tears. "We went to her grave. He cried a lot, and then he asked for some time alone. I don't know, Claire, maybe it wasn't the best idea."

"I know you were hoping he would open up about what happened with him and your mom," Claire said softly. "But Maybe he still will. Maybe he just needs time."

"He's had 16 years," I said with a wince. "How much time does he need?"

Sam

Present

"He wants us to what?" I asked, leaning against the counter, sipping my coffee. I decided to come back to the house with Ava and Dean. He was in shitty shape, and after the whole Anna situation, I didn't know what was going to happen.

Avas hair was messy from sleep, and she wore a sweatshirt and leggings. I always thought she looked the most beautiful this way. "He wants us to figure out what there is between us. I think he just wants to make sure I'm not going to run off with you."

I winced. I knew she wasn't trying to be cruel, but fuck, she knows how I feel, and if she doesn't then she's blind. "So what? Am I supposed to take you on a date or something?"

"Maybe we should just take a day or two. Lock ourselves in a room and just work through our shit?" She asked softly.

Does Dean want to be sure she won't run off with me, or does she want to be sure she won't?

"That may hurt, Ava. That may hurt me." I frowned. "Why should I?"

"Don't you want closure too?"

I met her blue eyes. She seemed so sincere. "Of course I do."

"I don't want to hurt you, Sam. I didn't want to hurt Dean. I don't want to be hurt either, believe it or not." She sighed and wiped her eye quickly. "I wish things could just be one way. We were happy with our little family, but Dean is my husband. He makes me happy, too."

I didn't like seeing her in pain, and I didn't like seeing Dean in pain. "I need to talk to my brother," I said looking away from her.

This was the weirdest thing we have ever done.

I pushed into their room and crossed my arms. "So you tryin to throw in the towel?"

"What?" Dean asked, squinting at me. He was laying in bed. He looked like shit.

"You heard me, man. Why are you trying to send Ava and I away together?"

He shrugged. "Want to make sure she's picking the right brother."

"So you're giving me a chance to steal your wife?"

"Exactly." He wiggled his eyebrows.

"You're a glutton for punishment," I groaned. "Dude this is stupid. All it's going to do is cause problems."

"We all deserve to know who she is in love with, Sammy. It'll be so much worse if she flip flops like she has been doing. I get it. I crashed into the life you'd built. Now she's confused. I'm giving you both the opportunity to stop being confused."

"I don't get it." I frowned and walked towards him, and sat on the edge of his bed. "You want me to sleep with her? Do you think that'll eliminate the guilt you feel for getting with Anna?"

"Woah,” he said sitting up. "I never said sleep with Ava." He stopped and rubbed his face with his hands, not being wary at all of his injuries. "Listen, Sam, the ball is in her court. I don't need to know what happens on this trip. Fuck, I don't want to know. All I need to know is if she comes home to me, or if I need to find another place to live. Ya get me?"

I remember Dean telling me to fight for love. Where was his fight? Why was he rolling over? Something happened to him in Hell, something he wasn't talking about.

"Why did you sleep with Anna?"

"Why does it matter, Sam? You've never questioned me before."

"You haven't cheated since high school... it's just not you anymore. It doesn't make sense. You love Ava. Why would you hurt her?" I asked him quietly.

Dean sighed. "Sammy... I'm just not good enough for her. I'm a fuck up. These hands weren't made for love, ya know?” He looked at his hands, his palms facing up. He curled his fingers in, looking away, as if he couldn’t stand to see them anymore. “I'm destined to hurt her. You're not, and... fuck, if she wants me even after everything she knows. Really wants me... even after she has every choice in front of her. Then she can have me. She can have my body and my soul. She can have it all, but man if she doesn't want me. I don't blame her. I won't be pissed. I'll just be a father to my kid. I don't deserve that either, but as long as Nel wants me around, I'll be her Dad."

"Dean, you don't have to worry about being a good parent. I already know you are a good one. I know because you were mine," I said sadly. "I shouldn't have gotten with her. It wasn't right."

"Maybe it was." He smiled widely. "You've always wanted to be like me."

"I'd be lucky to be half the man you are." I wasn't sure why I was getting so emotional.

"Well you got it. You're already twice the man I am." He shrugged.

"I'll back off. I don't have to go with her."

"Sammy, Listen. We will never know what we have is real if she doesn't have all the options. I don't want her to be with me because you backed out, and you don't want her to be with me just because we are married."

"That is a big factor, man."

"She married me because I was a dead man."

"You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Kind of. It sped everything up."

"I don't think that's true, Dean. I was at that wedding, remember?"

"Well, we will know soon enough." He forced a smile. "Make a good argument, okay?"

I stared at my brother. Maybe he had brain damage. He couldn't be that delusional, and self destructive. Could he? More importantly, though, could I really go and try to fight for her? What kind of man would that make me? Would I be able to ever forgive myself if I did? Would I ever be able to forgive myself if I don't?

—————

Chapter Twenty-Two, Lost

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we stumbled in the dark; i knew we’d be alright (part seven)

a shawn mendes rpf fic rating/warnings: t for too much sweetness. you may need a dentist afterwards. notes: this part almost ended up being over 7k – it originally included a present day stop, but LA turned out to be full of way more  than I’d even initially planned. please enjoy the last major then of this fic; there’s only two other flashbacks to go. please keep reblogging and sending your thoughts! (previously; start at part one here; find all parts here)

los angeles; then LA is the last multi-night tour stop, but it doesn’t involve an extra show. You’re staying in town a few more days for a) a break, but more importantly, Shawn is a special honouree and performer at a gala event, celebrating, as Brian gleefully reads from the press release, “influencers and trailblazers across social media and the arts under the age of thirty.” 

Geoff leans out of the way while their star unsuccessfully attempts to snatch Ava’s photocopy from his bassist. Shawn’s ears are red. It’s adorable, though you’d never say it out loud.  “Isn’t this that thing where you’re not allowed your phone the entire time?” Charlie asks. “Doesn’t that defeat the point of having social media influencers?” “Can we please stop saying influencers?” Parker grimaces as he leans his head head back against the couch. “It’s such an awful concept. Why is that even a thing?” “Are you just jealous because you’re not one?” Shawn’s drummer flips the bird without looking; Brian cackles.  The six of you are currently lounging around the games’ room of the hotel, waiting for Andrew and Ava to finalize cars for a dinner out. Faced with a day cooped up after last night’s show, Shawn had appeared at your door with his band in tow and insisted you join them.  “It’ll be fun,” he says, but all you could think about was how you’d never really spent any real time with four of Shawn’s closest confidants, struck with a nagging fear that they found you a nuisance or annoying. But he looks so openly hopeful at you that you have to push that anxiety aside.  “We don’t bite,” Charlie says with a grin and a wink. You glance back over your shoulder at Ava, who has her phone to her ear but waves you off in a ‘go ahead’ motion.  So you allow yourself to be dragged up several floors and referee several intense matches of ping-pong, stopping when you’re sure the guys might come to blows. Everyone is funny and warm and you find yourself relaxing in their company.  “Pool?” Shawn asks now, turning first to you. You shake your head. “Don’t know how.”  “No time like the present, Miss Sinclair!” Parker exclaims, his earlier annoyance clearly forgotten. You blink at him. “C’mon, we’ll play twos. You in, Geoff? Charlie?” The guitarist and keyboard player both wave him off. “Fine, Bri?” “Only if I get to play with you and kick Shawn’s ass for that last match.” “He’s at a disadvantage if he has to teach me,” you protest. “You guys should play – I can just watch.” “It’s fine, El.” Shawn offers you a reassuring smile. “Brian’s just bitter. We’ll go slow, okay? We’ll set up and talk you through it.” Sometimes you think yourself a little too easily persuaded. You and Geoff watch Shawn and his other bandmates set to work pulling the balls from various pockets; the colours glisten beneath the warm overhead light and thunk on the long green surface. You allow yourself exactly three seconds to watch Shawn’s hands before you drag your eyes away. “He gets antsy with more than a night off, doesn’t he?” you ask. Geoff’s lips twitch, like he’s tempted to laugh. Charlie snorts. “So you’ve noticed.” He turns to look at you properly. You don’t know why you’re nervous all of a sudden, but the feeling is there nonetheless. “It’s nice that you guys get along, though. I can't imagine what you must have thought when Ava told you about all of this.” You shrug in what you hope is a non-commital gesture, but a laugh slips out. “It was a lot. But it’s been amazing.” “We’re glad to have you,” Geoff says, smiling. Anxious tension in your stomach is replaced with warmth. He nods forward at Shawn. “He is, too.” Don’t blush. But it’s already happening. “El!” Shawn’s holding a pool cue, beckoning. “Ready?” “Give ‘em hell, kid.” You can only grin at Geoff and rise to join them.  * “I know that look. Something’s wrong.” Ava glares at you, though it’s half-hearted at best. You wonder at the possibilities in your head, but nothing necessarily prepares you for:  “I think I’m sick.” You drop your phone arm to stare. Your sister never gets sick. She pops Vitamin C like it’s chewing gum and has had an eerie immunity to every illness you ever brought home from school as a child.  “What do you mean you’re sick? But you have the–” “The gala. Don’t remind me.” Ava sinks down onto her bed across the room. “I’ve been feeling weird since this morning. I think I ate something off at dinner last night–” Your sister proceeds to turn a strange shade of pale and lurch to her feet, beelining for the bathroom.  You wince at the sound of retching, but follow dutifully, crouching behind your sister to sweep her hair from her face before it falls into the toilet. “You can’t go like this,” you say, twisting and pulling a hair tie from your wrist. You sit back once Ava’s hair is no longer in danger, rubbing a hand between her shoulder blades until it finally stops.  “I have to,” she groans. Ava emerges, a sheen of sweat on her forehead, flushing the toilet with a grimace. You wordlessly hand her a damp washcloth and she wipes her mouth. “Andrew has this dinner with some of the other managers and drinks with somebody else about the next album.” “Already?” Granted, there’s only three stops to go, but still. “The tour isn’t even over yet.” “Shawn’s a go getter.” Your sister rolls her eyes, but there’s fondness in it. “He’s gonna travel to record this one, so it takes a lot more planning.” You think about your conversation with the band. Ansty is right. “Okay, well. Do you need me to do anything?” Ava leans against the wall, closing her eyes. “He’s trying on the suit right now. Serena’s with him but brands usually bring their own people because they can. Just go and check if they’re doing okay, please?” “Sure thing.” You grab her arm to steady her as she drags herself upright on the wall. “I’m gonna lie down. Hopefully this passes before we have to leave in–” Ava checks her watch. “An hour.” You leave your sister with a glass of water, shoving your key card into your back pocket. Shawn’s room is four doors down; you’d seen the people from Armani sweeping into the hotel earlier that afternoon with a black garment bag and you have to swallow your intimidation to knock. Serena greets you with a brilliant smile, her glossy dark hair flowing down her back like a waterfall. “Hey Ellie! Come on in. He’s just putting on the jacket.” You open your mouth to explain you’re just checking in, but Shawn’s stylist ushers you through the doorway before you can get the words out. She bends down close to your ear. “I think he’s a little nervous. He could use a friendly face.” You swallow. “Gotcha.” Serena squeezes your shoulder gently. “Deep breath. He looks good.” Are you that easy to read? The older woman winks down at you, but at that point you’ve already fully entered the room and are concentrating on schooling your expression. Shawn’s back is to you in front of the enormous mirror that faces his bed, leaning forward a little on the counter and extending the crisp lines of his black suit. A man and a woman from Armani, the man holding a line of measuring tape, confer in hushed tones. New York flashes in your mind’s eye, but then Shawn’s eyes find yours in the mirror. His white shirt is undone at the collar, stark against the shiny lapels of his jacket. He looks taller, somehow, or more, as though you have to brace yourself or be so quickly overwhelmed by him.  As if that isn’t already happening at least fifty percent of the time.  “El, hi.”  He turns to face you, and you catch the details of his pocket square: tiny flowers. You can’t help but smile. “Hey.” You have to swallow before you can say it. “Looking good.”  His ears are pink. “Thanks.” “Ava just wanted to check in,” you say, glancing at the Armani reps. “See if you needed anything.” “Perhaps an opinion?” The woman holds up a black skinny tie. “The room is divided. You would be the deciding vote.” “I uh–” You just stare as she crosses to Shawn and lopes the tie around his neck, tutting gently at his undone buttons. You find yourself transfixed by the line of his throat until it disappears beneath her expert hands. She steps back, presenting Shawn to you with a smile and a flourish.  Your mouth goes a little dry.  Shawn pushes back the curls falling over his forehead, looking up through his eyelashes even though he obviously towers over you. It’s been a while since you felt so unmoored by him, or anyone, really, since you really understood the fanatic reaction of people towards celebrities they loved and admired and fawned over on red carpets.  A moment (a minute, possibly an hour) later, you remember that everyone is waiting for you to say something. “Tie,” you manage, though it comes out like a croak. You have to cough when Shawn finally looks away. “Definitely tie.”  “Excellent choice.” The women exchange victorious smiles while the man throws his hands up good-naturedly. “Why don’t we button that up Shawn, and see how it feels?” Shawn straightens up as the man stretches the measuring tape across the long expanse of his shoulders. “Not too tight?” “No,” Shawn says. “It’s great.” You look at Serena, feeling oddly helpless, who just winks at you again.  “Do the guys get this VIP treatment?” you ask, grasping for something to say. Shawn looks at his stylist, who just shrugs.  “I hand-delivered their suits half an hour ago. They’re probably watching HGTV in their boxers right now.” “They do love a home makeover,” Shawn says, to your surprised delight. He glances out the window of his suite, his gaze suddenly far away.  “How’s that speech coming?” You can see the flash of something off in his eyes. You almost regret asking, but you know Ava would.  “Done, actually.” Shawn turns to his dresser and hands you a small stack of cue cards. You’re careful not to smudge the black pen. “Could you give these to Ava? I’m scared I’m going to leave them behind or ruin them before we get there and then forget everything I’m gonna say.” You nod. “You’re gonna be great.” “Where is Ava, anyway?” You try to cover your wince, but Shawn’s grown too good at reading your expressions. “El?” “She’s um, not feeling too great. She thinks it’s something she ate last night.” His eyebrows fly up. “That doesn't sound good.”  “She’s resting,” you say, trying (and probably failing) to muster your sister’s skillful reassurance. “She wants to go.” “She shouldn't force herself to come. We’ll be fine. I don’t want her to get worse.” Shawn’s brow furrows, his mouth downturned. His eyes are so serious. You’re struck, suddenly, at how much he cares for your sister. That emotion deeper than fondness sparks, like a match struck against your ribs.  “You’ll have to be the one to convince her.” * “Ellie,” Brian whines, drawing out the ‘e’. “Who invented cufflinks? What purpose do they serve besides to torment those of us with normal sized hands?” You laugh and take them from him. “They pull the outfit together, didn’t you know?” The bassist holds still as you tuck the links in.  “How do I look?” he asks when you’re finished, spinning a circle so wide he nearly smacks Charlie in the face. It takes considerable effort to stifle laughter.  “Dashing.” “Time to go,” Geoff announces. He holds the door for his bandmates, smiling at you as everyone troops out. You can see Shawn at the end of the hall, Serena trailing after him. You catch his eye and lift your hand in a silent wave. You wish you had the courage to shout your thoughts at him.  You can do this. I believe in you. Maybe one day. You can only hope your smile, for now, is enough.  * The message pings on Ava’s phone forty minutes later.  Geoff: SOS. Shawn never took back his speech from you after you talked. He says he’s fine but I don’t think so. Can you get it here? Gonna lose my phone in five. The cards he’d so carefully handed to you are on the bedside table. Your heart sinks. “I’ll go,” you say, before Ava can act on the regret on her face. You talk over her dubious stare. “I’ll be in and out before anyone notices me. You have your personnel invitation, don’t you?” Your sister gets up to retrieve it, which is a good sign. “This is being aired on tv. You know you can’t–” “I’ll figure it out, okay?” You hold up Shawn’s cue cards. There are whole lines scribbled out and rewritten in what has become a familiar handwriting. “He’s already nervous. If I can help him, why shouldn’t I? No one’s allowed their phones at this thing remember? It’s not like anyone’s gonna catch a salacious photo.” Ava still looks unsure. You point at her phone. “Text him back, quick. Tell him I’m coming. Can Cam drive me?” You yank your t shirt over your head, digging around for one of four emergency dresses. When you look up again, struggling with the zipper, Ava is downing a bottle of water.  “Don’t be ridiculous,” she says, wiping her mouth. “I’ll take you. If anyone’s getting in trouble for this it better be me.” Your sister beckons you closer, working the zipper up in one smooth motion. “Take my shoes. You’ll need a little more height to pull this off.” * To your surprise, it’s not getting in that’s the problem. Ava loops around to the entrance off the red carpet, where a small queue of non-walking guests are still being let into the venue. You hand over your embossed invitation, which reads Personnel: Shawn Mendes in looping script, and open Ava’s favourite clutch. You have Shawn’s speech, your driver’s license, your lipstick, and nothing else. “No phone?” The attendant asks. You shake your head, pulling out the sides of your pocket-less dress as proof. He doesn’t look at you too long, even though your makeup probably doesn’t disguise the fact that you’re clearly too young to be personnel, even though you still feel wildly underdressed next to the people in line just behind you. It might help, you reason, feeling just a touch irrational. You’ve worn this out to dinner before. The guys might spot you sooner.  “Table 24.” “Thank you.” You smile at the man in an attempt to cover up your nerves and step through. You’re unprepared, though. The hall is huge. Four steps into the room, you have to jump backwards to avoid being steamrolled by a very stressed looking crew member, decked in all black, wearing a headset and holding a clipboard. People’s eyes skate over you as you carefully scan the closest table for a number card.  47.  The next table you can see reads 18.  What the fuck. You’re pretty sure that’s Harry Styles about fifteen feet to your left, but you’re too stressed to look closer. You look out into the crowd of milling celebs and management teams a little desperately, but you can’t make out either Shawn or any of the band. According to your watch, the event starts in less than fifteen minutes.  You’ll never get anywhere just loitering out here, you tell yourself sternly. Get in there. So you steel yourself and begin weaving your way through the tables, closer and closer to the enormous stage, backlit in blues and purples. You haven’t tripped in Ava’s three inch sandals yet, thank god. But your several minute streak of moving about unnoticed comes to a screeching halt when someone’s shoulder collides roughly with yours.  “Oh I’m sorry,” you say immediately, blinking back a wince. Ow. Before you can continue on your way, an awful mix of perfume and hairspray floats in your direction, acrid in your nose and even worse, on your tongue.  “Excuse me?”  You look up, taking in the person you’d bumped into properly. Her blonde hair, high in an impossibly complex looking updo, is second to a dress that plunges down to her navel in the front, but that’s not the most shocking thing. It’s her expression: like she’s offended.  “I’m sorry,” you repeat, pushing down an automatic lifted inflection. “I didn’t see you.” The other girl makes a noise of disbelief. “You didn’t see me? Do you even know who you’re talking to?” No fucking clue is probably not the proper response. You notice for the first time that this girl is accompanied by two men, arguably as tall as Shawn, though one is nearly twice as wide as you. Your heart hammers uncomfortably fast in your chest.  “I’m just looking for Shawn Mendes,” you say. “Have you seen him?” One of the men snorts. “Shawn Mendes? You don’t recognize Melisa Gallagher who has seven million internet followers, but you know Shawn Mendes. Right.” Melisa’s blue eyes narrow in contempt beneath huge false lashes, lips twisted in a sneer, literally looking down her nose at you.  Over her shoulder on the far side of the room, the crowd parts just slightly and Geoff appears like a genuine angel. Your eyes meet and his face lights up. He taps the shoulder of a familiar figure; Shawn turns and relief floods your nerves. “Excuse me,” you try, but Melisa apparently isn't done with you yet.  “Hang on.” she says. Her voice is a too-high pitch of false concern. “Are you sure you’re supposed to be here? I feel like we should just take you to security and double check.”  Is she serious? The man to her left steps towards you; you retreat instinctively, a sudden panic squeezing your breath. You look up again. You can’t imagine what he sees in your face, but the surprised smile in Shawn’s eyes dims. You know logically that he and Geoff are moving towards you, but everything feel too slow: your second step back, Melisa’s weird crony reaching for your arm– “There you are!” You turn your head and nearly fall completely backwards, because Taylor Swift has just appeared out of nowhere and she’s looking at you. “Shawn’s been looking for you everywhere, babe! Good thing we found you in time.”  You open your mouth, but nothing comes out. Taylor steps casually between you and Melisa, taking your hand. Against her gentle squeeze, you can feel yourself shaking. “We’d better get to our table,” she continues. “God, it’s like a maze in here, isn’t it?” Taylor finally looks at Melisa, as if she’s just now noticed her.  “Oh, hi. It’s Miranda, right?” The other girl laughs, though this time it’s a horrible, nervous sound. “Melisa,” she corrects. Her triumphant sneer has given way to open-mouthed shock. Taylor just nods, smiling in a look of vague disinterest. “Sure. Well, excuse us!” Taylor tugs you firmly after her, not sparing Melisa another glance. You don’t dare look back, staring instead at the breathtaking beaded detail of Taylor’s dress as she leads you through the labyrinth of people and white linen tablecloths.  “Just breathe,” she says, low in your ear as you pause for another group to pass just in front. You have to gulp in air. “It’s okay.” “How did you know–”  “Geoff told me,” Taylor says, as though it’s obvious. “Asked me to keep an eye out for you.” Your knees feel a bit like jelly. “Sinclair, you made it!”  Geoff stops just short of the other side of what you suppose is your table, as Brian, Charlie, and Parker beam up at you from their seats. Shawn does no such thing. You’re barely aware of Taylor releasing your hand before his fingers are wrapping around your arm. New York flashes again, harder than before.  “Are you okay?” You nod, though Shawn doesn’t look convinced. “What was that?” You struggle to come up with a coherent reply. Taylor, fortunately, comes to your rescue yet again. “Just some girl who thought herself a bit of a queen.” That’s one way to put it. Shawn ducks his head, peering at you as if that’s the only way he can be certain you’re alright. “What are you even doing here?” You pop your clutch open and pull out his cue cards. “Geoff called. Special delivery.”  He blinks at the cards, then at you. “You’re amazing.” You’re too relieved to have found him to resist when Shawn pulls you into a hug. His cologne is familiar and soft; you relax almost despite yourself against him.  “Oh shit,” Shawn says when he pulls away. “I’m awful. Taylor, this is Ellie. Ava’s sister I told you about. El, this is–” “You’re not seriously trying to introduce Taylor Swift to me as if I don’t know who she is.” Taylor laughs and you feel your whole face heat. This can’t be real. “I love you,” you blurt, feeling ridiculous but unable to stop yourself.  You haven’t been this happy and terrified since you met Shawn. Her smile is so warm. “You’re so sweet! Nice to finally meet you, Ellie. I’ve heard so much about you.” Oh my god. Taylor leans down to hug you; out of the corner of your eye, Shawn’s hand is reaching for the back of his neck, till he seems to remember his hair at the last second and drops it. Dork.  “Thank you,” you say. “For back there.” She nods. “Don’t mention it.” “Just to let you know folks,” booms a voice from nowhere, making you jump, “We’ll be starting in just about ten minutes.”  "I should go.” The reality of the multitude of cameras in this room kicks up an anxious rhythm in your chest. You chance a look at Shawn, who has one hand on the back of his chair. “You’re gonna be amazing.” “Wait, El.” Of course he catches you before you’re even three tables away. “I know that you and Ava and Andrew have this whole– thing.” Your stomach drops. In all the time you’ve been on tour together, this is the first time either of you have acknowledged it. A thing indeed. Shawn bites his lip. You’ve never seen him do that before.  “But you’re my friend. There’s no rule against that.”  Your heart aches.  “Fair point,” you admit.  "Can you–” Shawn looks through his lashes again; the open expression from his hotel bed five nights ago returns, stealing your breath. “Can you stay?” (I think he’s a little nervous.  When you’re here I know where I am.) Back at the table, you can see Geoff leaning over to speak to Taylor, who is nodding very seriously. You wonder what he’s telling her. Then, as she gets up and heads for the nearest camera person, you wonder what she’s doing. You suppose it doesn’t matter. Because Shawn’s right. “Okay.” Your sister is going to kill you. The tour is definitely over. But this was amazing while it lasted. “I’ll stay.” As long as you live, you know you’ll never regret anything that makes him smile like that. You follow Shawn back to the table, where Taylor, her plus one, and the band are joined by a man in all black. “Ellie!” Taylor grins brightly at you. “Meet Christopher. His job is to point at us.” “Hi,” you greet automatically, sinking into your seat next to Parker. *Miss,” Christopher says, nodding his head. “I’m told we’re trying to keep you off camera tonight?” “I–” You look slack-jawed at Taylor, who just nods encouragingly. “Yes, please. If that’s at all possible.” “I think that can be arranged, for the most part. You’re okay with your back? Turning your head just in case?” You nod. “Thank you so much.” Christopher smiles. “You all have a nice time now. And thank you so much for that voicemail, Taylor. My daughters will definitely appreciate it.” “Not at all!” Five minutes is called across the room. The camera man disappears, while everyone looks at her.  “How did you do that?” Brian asks, sounding as dumbfounded as you feel. Taylor winks. “Sometimes you just gotta ask nicely.” * It feels like it’s been ages since you’ve been able to truly watch Shawn perform. Christopher pulls you to the side while he captures Taylor and other celebrities enjoying or dancing (though that’s mostly Taylor, which warms your heart) to TNHMB.  All you can do is applaud softly at everyone when the guys finally return to the table, where dessert is soon to be served. Shawn smiles at you, small and humble, but by the time slices of chocolate cake and ramekins of crème brûlée appear (you watch with amusement as the band studiously swaps plates), Shawn's eyes are somewhere else again. “Here,” you say, holding out his teaspoon. He starts. You gesture at his untouched crème brûlée. “The beginning is is the best part.” He seems to gather that you won’t accept a simple refusal, so Shawn takes the spoon from your fingers with a smile and a roll of his eyes, cracking the sugar into the custard beneath. He tastes a mouthful; the air suddenly feels so much closer around you as he closes his eyes for just a moment and the tension eases from his face. “Wow that’s amazing.” Shawn grins at you. You want to flush, though you have no idea why. “You gotta try this.” He pushes the ramekin into the space between your plates and you dip your own spoon into the dessert. He’s right, of course. It is amazing. When you look up, Parker is wiggling his eyebrows at you. You cover your mouth with the hand still closed around your spoon and flip him off. He laughs so hard he nearly chokes; Charlie whacks him hard between the shoulder blades.  You can still feel eyes on you. Taylor’s expression is not of amusement or judgement, but a soft kind of knowing. You hear that voice in the back of you mind, careful, but the secret you can’t admit, even to yourself, seems safe with her. So you just smile back.  * In the commercial break before they’re finally due to present Shawn an award for Social Media and Music Icon, you’re off to the side again when he finds you, his cue cards twisted in his hands. He leans against the wall at your side, though with Ava’s shoes he’s finally only about a head taller than you. “Is a speech really all that different than performing?” you ask quietly, not looking directly at him but over the room. Turns out you were right about Harry Styles, which you know, holy shit. Shawn blows out a breath slowly out his mouth. The urge to touch him rises up so abruptly that you have to physically curl your fingers against your dress. “There’s no music, for one, El.”  You roll your eyes. “Fine, but you and a crowd? Tell me that’s not something you know how to deal with.” Shawn shrugs, the motion odd in contrast to the sleek lines of his tuxedo jacket. “A crowd of fans, maybe. But this?” He raises an eyebrow to peers and elders alike.  “And what? These people don’t like you?” Shawn makes a face. “Okay well you can’t please everyone,” you concede, “But you’re not just getting this award because they picked your name out of a hat. You deserve it. And you have them.” You nod your head towards the band. “And Taylor freaking Swift.”  “And you?” Your stomach flips. Part of you is afraid to look at him, but the rest of you knows you must. So you meet Shawn’s eye. “And me.” You manage not to blush. “We’re all here for you okay? Regardless of everyone else.” “Two minutes till we’re live everyone,” says the announcer. “Please head back to your seats.”  You’re grateful for the reprieve; you’re not sure how long you could stand him looking at you like that. Impulsively, you lean forward and wrap your arms around him. Shawn exhales against your hair. “Go,” you say, pushing him just a little towards the centre of the room. “I’ll be here.” When his name is finally called, you clap so hard your hands hurt.  “This is amazing.” Shawn says, staring out at the assembled crowd. “You know, when I started on Youtube and Vine and taught myself guitar, I was mostly just doing it for myself, because I wanted to emulate the artists I admired so much. But the moment I realized that each of the thirty thousand or–” He lets out a sort of disbelieving laugh, shaking his head.  “–Thirty million followers I had were truly real and unique people, that’s when everything really changed for me. First off, I wouldn’t be able to do anything without the support of my incredible family: Mom, Dad, Aaliyah, I love you so much. Second, I have to thank my team, band, and crew, who have been absolutely amazing on this tour and who make me seem way cooler than I actually am.” Parker and Charlie hoot at him over the laughter and applause. Shawn chuckles again, glancing down at the glass award in his hands. “But lastly. I really owe this whole thing to my fans, because without them I’d just be a kid from Pickering, Ontario playing covers in his room. Which is in Canada, in case you weren’t sure.” More laughter. “Sometimes I think I’m still that just that kid, but then I find myself in rooms like this, performing for the same people I still admire and hope to be like, because I hope to never stop growing as an artist.. It’s so surreal. And that’s because of my fans.” Shawn looks directly into a camera; you have to marvel a little at his ability to project his honesty for the world to see.  “So to each and every one of you who has bought an album or been to a show, you’ve completely changed my life and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough. Music means the world to me and I’m so lucky and grateful to be able to share that with you. I love you all, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, everyone. This is truly an honour. Have a great night.” You can only be glad that Christopher lead you to this corner so no one can see you wiping your eyes. But when the cameras turn back to the emcees, a familiar magnet draws your gaze from across the still packed room.  I’m so proud of you.  You’re only faintly embarrassed to have been caught, but on the bright side, you’re fairly certain Shawn understands you this time.  * Taylor departs quickly at the end of the night, but not before insisting on a quick and covert photo as guests wait for their respective cars outside the venue. “I hope we get to meet again soon,” she says, sounding so genuine that you’re at a loss for words. “I’ll send this to Shawn, kay?” You can only nod, not trusting yourself to speak. Taylor says goodbye to the band a few feet away, and finally wrapping Shawn in a hug. She says something in his ear, though you’re definitely too far away to make it out. Whatever it is, you can still see the flush that creeps up his neck.  Paul meets you around the corner in a huge SUV; Charlie loses the lightning game of rock paper scissors and crawls into the furthest backseat while Shawn insists you take the front.  “You did good up there kid,” Paul says. In the rearview, you watch Shawn’s ears go pink. “A real class act.” “Our precious Canadian,” Geoff coos. The boys laugh. “I have strict instructions to deliver you straight up to the roof,” Paul announces. “I think Andrew’s reserved the bar up there for a couple hours.” He glances over at the console at you. “You too, little one.” You’re shocked, to say the least. But you’re not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.  So that’s how you find yourself twenty-five minutes later, holding a soda on the rooftop of your hotel, leaning against the glass barrier and staring down at the bright lights of Los Angeles below. The air is cooler now, but you know if you go down to your hotel room for a jacket, you’ll probably sit down on your bed and not be able to get up.  Behind you, through the hum of conversation, someone makes your sister laugh; the sound is so familiar and this view so isn’t that you can feel your thoughts spiralling out.  “Did you just pinch yourself?”  You look over to find Shawn, his lips lifted in amusement. The knot of his tie is loose at his throat, the top button of his collar undone. You look away.  “Maybe.” He laughs softly. “Yes.” A breeze lifts the hair from the back of your neck and goosebumps from your arms. When you glance over again, Shawn’s disappeared. A full turn reveals him picking up his tuxedo jacket from the back of a chair. You watch him approach, that strangely helpless feeling from earlier washing over you.  “What?” he asks.  It’s unfair that you look like that right now. Or ever.  You just shake your head, unable to smother a tiny smile. “Nothing.” You gesture out at the city in a weak attempt at a cover. “This.” Warm hands drop the huge tuxedo jacket over your shoulders; it’s perhaps the most soft thing ever laid against your skin. It smells like him. You smile gratefully. “Such a gentleman.” He laughs again, pushing up the sleeves of his dress shirt. “I’ll tell my mom you think so.” Back at the tables by the bar, everyone is engrossed in conversation. Under no one’s scrutiny, it feels like the first time you’ve relaxed all night. For a minute you both just stand there, staring at the dark horizon. “I can’t believe I'm here right now,” you admit finally. “I can’t believe I pulled that off.” “I can,” Shawn says, like it’s just a fact. “I’m glad you did.” The heat in your cheeks has nothing to do with his jacket. “Says the boy who didn’t think he could deliver a speech and absolutely killed it.”  He smiles, almost rueful. “Okay, so we both did good.” Shawn extends his glass towards you. You think of your birthday and carefully lift your eyes, clinking your glass with his. Behind you, conversation still flows; beneath you, the city still moves; around you, the air feels closer again, but this time his eyes are open too.  When you’re finished the toast sip of your drink, when you look out at the lights of LA and back again, Shawn’s eyes are still open.  (part eight)

[paul-patts-blog]

A Guide to Leaving By Paul Patts

an incomplete draft in paul’s notebook 

A GUIDE TO LEAVING:

The following is an incomplete guide for lovers who are planning to leave their love behind. It should not be regarded as a strict rulebook. It is not recommended for listless father figures nor unsatisfied, underappreciated mothers, nor overworked employees. However, if you are a lover, of any shade—if you are jilted, bitter, hurt, twisted, abandoned, forsaken, lost, but still very much in love—then this guide is for you.

You will need:

 A little pluck

A little anger

A little sadness

A get-away bag, with pockets that are easy to get to but that have zippers so nothing can fall out or get nabbed.

 A suitcase, hard shell, trusty wheels. If your partner has a better suitcase than you, consider stealing it. It’s all about managing that thing on train platforms and over cracked-and-broken streets. Nothing can slow you down, because the momentum in leaving is perhaps one of the most important ingredients of all.

That being said, momentum.

Trainers. Don’t try to run away in heels—remember, you need momentum. Once you’ve started, you cannot stop. Once you’ve started, you cannot get tired. A pair of simple ballet flats are acceptable if you do not own a pair of trainers but this list highly recommends you go to the store and buy a pair of trainers for this exercise. Just how serious, ask yourself, are you about leaving?

Jeans, with pockets. Or, a skirt or dress with pockets, if you’re lucky.

A zip-up jumper that’s easy to take on and take of

ID and other essentials (visa, passport, credit cards, the extra cash you and your partner were stuffing in the cookie jar on the top shelf in the kitchen)  

To close the accounts you share

To change any password he knows

Gum, for the train ride.

 A pen. You should never go anywhere without a pen. You will need it to take notes when asking for directions. You will need it to write down important information, especially if your phone dies. You will need it in case you’re bored to tears and you want to doodle on something. You will need it for your good-bye note, perhaps (see: step three.)  

Spare change, especially if your phone dies.

A big set of balls

Not an ounce of regret, if you can leave it behind.

STEP ONE: WHO TO TELL  

You will want to tell your littermates, for they are the people who know you best in the world. Don’t.

Instead, you will need to draft a list of reasons why revealing your escape would be a bad idea, or else you’ll lose your nerve.

Remember your childhood. Remember your older brother and how he promised to look after you. Remember how he used to hold your hand in crowded places. Remember how those same hands can clench into white-knuckled fists. Remember the faces he smashed in for you without you asking him to. Remember the blue-black of his eye from getting hit back, and how he wore it like a badge of honor.

Remember your sister, slipping into your bedroom and perching on your bed. Remember how she built that bed into a boat. Remember the secrets you told her and the tears you cried, and how her hands, open palms to foil your brother’s clenched fists, scooped out all that salt water to keep the boat floating. You buried these secrets and stories inside your sister like she was the island you sailed to when the storm rose at your back.

Your escape shall be a fist in their faces, and a hole punched into the side of that ship. And most importantly of all, if you tell them, they will stop you.

You owe them. If you must break their hearts, as leaving will do, then you owe them the courtesy of a quiet escape. Any goodbye and any explanation would be for you, not them, you, hoping they will give you courage, you, wanting them to protect you one last time. No more now. You are on your own.

 STEP TWO: WHERE TO GO

You will be tempted to research a destination for your leaving. Do not do this. Even if you clear your browser history, it is dangerous. Even if you go down to the library to look it up there, it is risky. There is, first of all, the possibility that you will get caught up in planning and never actually make a plunge to act. Because Google searches are questions. Google searches turn all your what ifs and dreaming into concrete realities or unrealities. You will look up a place outside of Paris and be dismayed of the dollars attached. You will look at flights and realize you will be half-broke before you’re even out the door. Many people who want to leave never do because they get bogged down in details such as this. Their dreams have a dollar amount they cannot afford. The cost of their unhappiness is less than the price of a new start.

This is very important, so pay attention: if you are going to leave, it does not matter where you go. It does not matter what it will cost you. It will cost you so much more than you realize to stay. It will cost you day by day, little by little, in ways you cannot see until you are empty.

Look at yourself. How much more can you afford?

If you are going to leave, it does not matter where you go. The only thing that matters is leaving. Repeat it to yourself: The only thing that matters is leaving.

So do not choose a place. If your partner knows you well, he will know the fantasies that cling to the corners of your brain anyway. He will know about the studio flat in New York down in Brooklyn, the one you want to decorate with flea market curtains, the one you imagine with the mattress on the floor. He will know about the rooftop patio in California as well, about the mixers you dreamed up that could happen in the desert dusk all year round, even during Christmas. He knows about the North Carolina beach house and the mountain-top cabin in West Virginia where you spot deer as you drink your morning coffee. He knows about your fantasy of living in a basement in Tokyo or the one where you become a famous something-or-other in Bollywood.

You can’t go back to your family. You can’t go to your friends. You can’t even go to the friends of your friends, don’t you know that he will think to call even them?

So don’t choose a place. Don’t choose a place. Don’t choose a place.

You must wait until you have already left to discover where it is you will go. Make fate decide for you.

When in line at the train station, for example, pick the same ticket as the person in front of you. Close your eyes and point at the shifting board. Flip a coin. Pull a name from a hat. Don’t be predictable because he will find you, and remember, you cannot be found. That is not the point of leaving. The point of leaving is to keep leaving—to always only belong to half a place at a time.

STEP THREE: WHO TO BE

As for a new identity, pick it the same way you choose your destination. Out of a hat. Out of the air, out of the conversations you hear around you. Choose wisely. This person will be the person you are until you decide to leave again (which at this point is a possibility. Once  you decide to be a person who leaves, that becomes a part of you, even if you pretend that it is not.)  

There is no need for any physical kind of makeovers if you do not want to. You do not have to dye your hair or get a haircut; if you leave correctly, there will be no way your partner will find you. It is, however, important that you do not pay homage to any family members, literary figures, or favourite movie stars. Much like with your destination, the littlest details are the ones that could sink you. Any ties to your old life, meanwhile, might make you nostalgic. Nostalgia is even more dangerous than Google searches. Nostalgia tricks you into love again.

So keep it simple. Keep it plain. And remember details.

Here are some helpful examples for you if you’re having difficulty choosing.

1.       Ava: Ava is not a runaway from home. Ava is an intrepid backpacker with cash to burn in her pocket. Ava is exactly as she appears on the surface. Ava is the same backwards as she is forwards. You, a dreamer—for dreamers are always half-gone anyway—would like to think yourself an adventurer like Ava one day. Now is the perfect time to take the plunge. If you choose Ava, you will need to buy trainers, wear your hair high on your head, and switch to waterproof mascara. Can you make that commitment? If not…

2.       Consider Bethany: Bethany is a victim. There’s romance in this storyline though, and Bethany is the type to want romance; even in the colour of her fading bruises, she sees sunsets. Bethany will need a backstory to make her sympathetic. Does Bethany have a drunk husband, an abusive one, or both? Maybe Bethany was married to a lawyer/businessman/politician type—you know the type, suits, watches, they carry their Blackberry everywhere—and he slept with his boss/secretary/assistant/intern. Maybe he was a gambler and spent all of Bethany’s money. Maybe he did not want to give Bethany children. Maybe he was withholding or an artist who thought himself better than Bethany. All these choices are important because they will determine how Bethany is going to interact with men. Bethany will probably need a savior in the end though, and you don’t want a savior…

3.       So acknowledge that Bethany’s a bit of an anti-feminist cardboard person and go with Caroline: Caroline is a recent graduate from a good university and she is terrified. She’s leaving home for the first time and she does not want to leave, but she also wants to leave. She’s headed for a new job, a new start, a new Caroline. Caroline is a good choice if you’re carrying regrets in your back pocket. If you are the type to look back, if you’re hesitating now on the platform, if you’re wondering what the right thing to do—those are all Caroline instincts. She’ll be good to you, if you’re good to her. Carolina accepts that she’s going to make mistakes. She also knows she has outgrown her home and does not belong there.

STEP FOUR: THE LEAVING Now you are ready to leave. Here is what to do:

Wait until your partner leaves first.

Consider the variables in order to maximize your time in the flat, so you can pack your suitcase, or your suitcases, depending on how much of your belongings you still value, and how much has been ruined by this love gone wrong. If you wait for your partner to pop out to the Salisbury, for example, for milk, eggs, bread, tomato soup, chicken fillets, and half-off bitters, you have approximately one hour. If you wait until he’s gone off to the local for pub grub with blokes you’ve come to resent, you have several more.

You can wait until he’s sleeping, dreaming of other women than you.

You can wait until the rugby’s on.  

You can wait until he’s already fallen in love with someone else.

Whenever you leave, choose the time wisely. Measure the love left in your heart in teaspoons. Three teaspoons, and you owe him a note. Two teaspoons, you owe him a clue: clear out your closet, leave the hangers dangling like skeletons. This emptiness will signal your leaving is a choice and you are unharmed.

If your love cannot fill even a teaspoon, then you owe him nothing at all.

But consider kindness anyway. Be better than he was to you. Turn over the photos of the two of you on the bed stand, so he won’t have to look at them. Throw away your bathroom products, all that sweet-smelling conditioner and soft lotion he tasted on your skin. Take your salt-n-vinegar crisps out of the pantry. He hates salt-n-vinegar crisps and he won’t eat them, he’ll just think about you. Do your dishes. Don’t make him do your dishes.

Lock the door behind you when you go.  

 STEP THREE-AND-A-HALF: WHAT TO DO NOW? 

You did it. You’re on the train. You have settled into your seat, curled the bag on your lap, and it’s pulled out from the station. Even if you wanted to go back, and you do not, it is too late now. There is finality in that whistle. It is a period at the end of the sentence. There is no buts or what ifs. There is only “Now What?”

Now you sit. Look out the window. For the first part of the trip, memorize this place you called home as you see it unwind backwards, in the rearview mirror of the rest of your life, whatever that will become. It looks different to you now, doesn’t it? It’s not as big as you remember. It’s not as beautiful. There’s something sad about leaving, all leaving. Leaving turns what is left behind into ruin. This applies not only to places, but to people. Think now of how you left your mother the first time when you first moved away, how she stood in front of the house, lifted her hand, and waved at you as the car puttered on.

She was still waving long after you had gone. She is still waving now.

(Don’t think about him, the one you left behind and how you stole his chance to say good-bye. If anything, let it comfort you that there is no side of the road for him to stand on. That he will not watch you grow smaller and smaller in the distance, while you are a silhouette, until you are a dot, until you are nothing at all. You want to remain big in his mind, which might be selfish of you, but it’s one thing that cannot be helped, leaving the way you left.)

This city that you lived in waves to you until it cannot wave any longer. It is gone. Or you are gone. Decide which one it is. Maybe it is both. Anyway, you are permitted to look away from the window if you want to, though perhaps if you chose option A (Ava) you want to look out into the world as it rushes by and feel the mystery of your new life grow around you. Or maybe (B) Bethany wants to turn her face away from the strangers on the train so they will not see her cry. (C) Caroline might choose to look out the window to get lost in her thoughts—daydreaming can help stave off Caroline’s particular brand of anxiety.

Otherwise, you have several options for how you want to spend the next (insert how many hours here) of your life. While in transit, time does not count. Neither do any of your choices. This is remarkably freeing. Consider:

The benefits of podcasts: Sink into stories that are not your own. Listen to the detached voices of strangers as they fill your brain with the sonic equivalent of packaging peanuts. You can choose a funny podcast to make yourself laugh; leaving is easier if you can laugh about it. You can choose a sad one if you want to cry; you will cry eventually, so best get it out of the way. Either way, trick yourself into thinking you are not alone.

Small talk: This is a good time to try out your new identity and exercise the details of your story. Find someone kind and restless who wants to talk to you. Introduce yourself. Say, My name is (Insert-Name-Here). See how that feels on your tongue? Does it fit you the way a good jacket should? Can you get used to this?

 Sleep: If you are the type of person to catnap in uncomfortable places, then lift your feet up, make yourself small, and close your eyes. There is no need to do anything at all. There is no need to be anyone. Sometimes, you need to leave yourself too.

STEP FOUR: BEGINNING

Now you have left. Now you have arrived.

Wait until the train settles. Listen to it breathe out that long exhausted sigh and then sigh yourself, until all the air is out of your lungs. Next, wait until everyone around you stands from their seats and retrieves their luggage. Wait for them to get into a messy single file line.  Wait until they hobble down the rows and clunk out onto the platform. Wait and wait and wait. This is the time to gather all your things that you’ve brought with you and all the things, hopefully, that you already had: your courage, your fortitude, and yes, a few tears. It is important to cry at some point in this journey or you will never truly leave anything behind.

But you don’t have to cry right now. Wait. Wait, until you cannot wait anymore, and then stand, fetch your bag from the top and move through the aisle yourself. Step light. Be careful. Hold the railing. Accept help from the gentleman who offers it—you are allowed to be fragile now, for you have been strong for a long time in ways that your lover never noticed. You have been strong getting to where you are now and in the coming days, you will need to be stronger. For leaving is the hardest thing you will ever do.

So take the hand. Take the step. Steady yourself on solid ground and hold yourself together there, on the cusp of whatever comes next.

[unholy3rinity]

Camp Runaway (Chapter One)

1//

Death is imminent. And it happens to everyone when we least expect it. You're supposed to outlive your parents I understand that but they aren't supposed to be taken from you so suddenly, so quickly. And in a way you can't explain without wanting to bang your head against the wall. The police told my sister and I it was a car accident. Some man was driving on the wrong side and my parents veered off and hit a tree. They said somehow my mom's lower half of her body was thrown out the windshield and my dad stayed in his seat clutching at my mother's hands.

My sister also tells me I'm really morbid and need to stop explaining that part to people. But I don't really see what the problem is. It wouldn't stop them from being gone.

I sat on the bench outside our house, stomping my feet against the wooden panels. There was another one of those gatherings going on inside again. My parents' death happened exactly six months and one weeks ago and my sister insisted on having family and friends come over at least once a week. They all liked touching a lot. And kissing my forehead. And saying things like "You're so strong. Your parents would have been really proud of you."

It wasn't like I was trying not to be a sobbing mess around everyone. My sister took care of enough crying and wailing for both of us. I had cried to myself in a much more private, personal way.

By the lake.

I looked back through the window of our house and tried to see if my sister was looking. She doesn't like me going to the lake by myself at night and I couldn't blame her. But I needed this visit more than she can imagine.

I flipped my wrist to look at my watch. 11:55. It would take me exactly five minutes on my bike to get to the lake in time. I gave the window one last glance before jumping from my seat and grabbing my red bike from the bottom of the stairs. It always takes me a few seconds to get used to balancing myself on the bike but once I do, I'm off in a flash.

I remember riding my bike down the hill of my street. The breeze, the sun, the feeling of complete and utter bliss was indescribable. I was on the edge of my first taste of sadness because I knew I would never be in a moment, at this time in my life, ever again.

God, I really really needed to get to the lake.

I reached the lake in minutes to spare and leaned my bike on a nearby oak tree. The air around was warm but the breeze made everything slightly chilly. It was still summer anyway, the temperature wasn't ready for fall quite yet.

I sat on my favorite spot, a toss between smooth rocks and sand, and took in a deep breath.

Finally.

I looked down at my clock on my phone it was exactly midnight so she should be coming soon.

Every Friday since my parents death I've been in this spot and right across the lake in one of the biggest cabin type homes there was a girl (well a person I just assumed it was a girl) who would sit on the sand and occasionally flash her light in my direction. We probably both needed to know that each other were there and listening even though we were far enough away where we wouldn't hear anything at all. It was comforting to have someone be there for you and know all the right things to not say.

Right on time, I saw a dark figure emerge from the cabin and sit right on the sand. She gave a tiny wave and I returned it.

"I'm so glad you're here." I exhaled.

In response she flashed her light at me. In response to that, I smiled.

"It's been tough these past few weeks. I've been crying less which is great and all but I still haven't spoken to any of my friends. They haven't really spoken to me either but I can't blame them. I'm not as happy to be around as I used to be. I wouldn't want to be around me either."

The metallic colored moon shimmered across the water and I sighed. "I can't help feeling like there is something better out there ya know? Somewhere that doesn't involve so much pain and constant reminders of your past. Not just..." It wasn't just about my parents death it was something that stretched farther than that. I felt off and shut down way before they left my sister and I. It was a silent timer and these past few months have only made it worse.

"My best friends Mindy and Alex are much happier without me anyway. They only look sad when they see me in the hallway. But it's summer now and hopefully I can spend my time traveling or reading more books. Not that I need to add to my bookshelf its already tipping over." I shook my head and laughed humorlessly. My mother would always wondered how I could fit so many stories in my head. I would always tell her that it was because each book gave me a different feeling for any occasion so I could read a different book twice, maybe three times a day and still crave more.

"I hate them for leaving me." I whispered. I looked up and saw her nodding her head. I know she couldn't hear me but it was still comforting. "And they left me with my sister no less. She's been so overbearing lately its ridiculous. I thought she was bossy when we were kids but now... now it feels like she's been given this golden opportunity to control my life. It sucks."

Ava had a habit of asking questions that would normally be asked by a parent. For the first few weeks it was understandable and even welcomed but two months in it was infuriating to be told what to do by someone who is only three years older. She complains that I don't do anything useful and that I'm always away from the house.

I'm away because I have to get away or I'll scream.

"Man I bet you don't have to deal with any siblings. I bet you are an only child who is super popular and have these two crime fighting parents that kiss you every night even when you tell them how lame it is. And I bet you could care less about a seventeen year old girl spilling her soul out to you at midnight by the lake." I shook my head. I am ridiculous.

"Thank you regardless. Thank you for being here with me."

I couldn't tell for sure but from the distance it looked like she smiled.

"And where the hell have you been?"

Home sweet home amiright?

"I went out. I'm back and safe, what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is you left without telling me where you were going and it's way past midnight no less." Ava had her hands on her hips and everything. If I told her she would be pulling a move like this years ago she would have laughed in my face.

"Ava I just went by the lake because I needed a break. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Oh so you were at the exact place I told you I didn't want you to go." She threw her hands in up in frustration. "What on earth is with you lately? You've been going to this lake for months now and you are as vague as possible when I question why. Why is it so difficult to confide in me? I'm your sister and I care about you." Oh god. This part was worst than the crying.

Ava was so emotional and so dramatic she would fit perfectly on a soap opera. I knew she cared about me but she didn't need to expect me to spill out my emotions to her. I have to speak to a complete stranger--who can't even hear me--to feel better for god sakes.

"Oh no don't use the sister card on me." I started to head up the steps before she called out my name. I stopped mid-step and turned around. "What?"

Ava stared at me for what felt like a long time. "You know mom and dad would be so disappointed in you for sneaking out like this."

Instead of crying like my eyes so desperately wanted to I gave her a sweet smile. "That's my only goal in life. To disappoint you and my dead parents." And with that I walked up the stairs with my head held high. Not because of pride but because that was the only way the tears didn't slip down my cheek.

I already desperately wanted to go back to the lake but I knew I had to contain myself until tomorrow night. I could do that couldn't I?

[themoonandotherslikeit]

The Look in Her Eyes- Chapter 24

***While on a case, Dean and Sam meet a beautiful woman, Ava. She makes a large impression on the brothers, and ends up convincing them to take her on the road with them. It isn’t long before the shared experience, car rides, motel rooms, and risky cases pushes Ava and Dean together in an unlikely story of love, family, fate, and friendship. ***

Chapter Twenty-Four, Wedding

Ava

9 Weeks Along

I was laying on my bed at Bobby's staring at the ceiling. My hands were flat on my stomach. I was bored out of my mind.

"Hey, have a good nap?" Dean asked as he walked into the room.

"I have to get out of here, Dean."

"What's wrong?"

I rolled over onto my stomach. "I'm getting cabin fever. It's been three weeks. I can't do it anymore. Let's go on a case."

"Nope. No way. We aren't hunting."

"I know you miss it." I said, narrowing my eyes. "Your fingers pull imaginary triggers in your sleep."

"Muscle memory." He said with a shrug.

"Fine. No hunts." I frowned. "Then this is my other option." I said, tossing him a card I received in the mail.

He unwrapped the letter and held the card. "What the hell is this?"

"A wedding invite. One of my old high school friends. Want to be my date?" He wiped a bead of sweat off his forehead. "That's what I thought." I said, standing up. "You'd rather face a ghost than a wedding." I was counting on that.

"Nope." He said looking up from the invite. "I want to take you to the wedding. Sounds swell."

I crossed my arms. "Seriously?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"Seriously, what?" Sam asked popping his head in.

"Taking Ava to a wedding."

"Wanna come?" I asked Sam. "I'd love to show off my two boyfriends to all the high school girls who said I was weird."

"Tempting." Sam said with a grin.

"Come on, please."

"What the lady wants the lady gets." Dean said with a grin.

"Let me get my suit." Sam said with a shrug.

I grinned widely. Maybe it was the baby growing inside of me that was making the boys bend backwards, or maybe it was something else. Either way it was a chance to get me the hell out of the house.

I packed the few dresses that I had and we packed up the car to head to Seattle. "Where are you kids headed?" Bobby asked, as he watched Dean pack the car.

"To a wedding." I said, tying my hair up.

Bobby raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Is there a case?"

"Nope. Just a plain old wedding."

"Hm." Bobby eyed Dean and then shrugged. "Well have fun." He pulled me into a hug. "Have a nice time."

"We will." I said hugging him back. For the last three weeks everyone seemed to be walking on egg shells. I slid into the passenger seat. Maybe they were waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hunters didn't find love or have babies. Maybe it was too good to be true. I looked down and rested my hand on my stomach. It still didn't feel real. I glanced at Dean. None of it did.

I settled in, and prepared for the long drive.

"Hey." Dean said, reaching for my hand.

"Hey back."

"What're you thinking about?" His eyes traveled from my face to my hand on my stomach. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah." I smiled, taking his hand and resting it on my stomach. "Still just feels too good to be true."

"I get what you mean." He said, almost sadly. "But it is true."

Sam slid into the back seat. "So a wedding. That's new for us." He shut the door.

"Should be fun. Heard it's an open bar." I offered.

"Sounds good to me." Dean said, moving his hand so he could put his car in gear.

After two twenty hour days driving and one crappy roadside motel we pulled up to Seattle. It felt weird to be so close to home. We arrived at the hotel that was provided for the guests of the wedding. It was grand, and definitely not the kind of place we typically stay. We got rooms side by side. Dean thought this would be a good excuse for a romantic get away.

I wanted to ask him what the last three weeks had been, but I refrained. We checked in and walked up to our room. It was lavish. The sheets were satin and there were mints on the pillows.

I fell back on the bed with a groan. "Ugh it feels so good to lay down."

He stretched and lowered himself beside me. "It feels good to be out of the car."

"You love the car."

"I do." He smiled and leaned in to kiss me. "But I do like this too."

Like it.

I sighed. I didn't know what I expected.

"You okay?" He asked, stroking my hair.

"Just tired, I think."

"Excited for tonight?"

"Mhm." I said, wrapping my arms around his neck. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed with him all day. "I should probably get ready." I said, touching his cheek. He was a beautiful man.

Dean

She wanted time alone to get ready, so I went next door to Sams room to get into my tux.

"You know there was a time when we wouldn't be caught dead in one of these." Sam said, buttoning his shirt.

"Things sure do change." I agreed.

"Am I not crashing your date? Why did you let her bring me along?"

I shrugged. "She's not the only one I want to spend time with in the next few months."

Sam looked at me sadly before turning back to the mirror. He fiddled with his bow tie.

"Here." I said, standing and walking to him. I adjusted the bow tie on his neck. "You've gotta learn how to do this, Sammy."

"Yeah I know."

I slid into my jacket and worked on my own bow tie. "Maybe we can get a beer before this starts."

"Sure."

We put on our dress shoes, and I looked at myself in the mirror. I adjusted a stray hair. I barely recognized myself.

I texted Ava to meet us in the hotel bar and we lowered ourselves onto the stools. I flashed the bartender two fingers and he brought two beers.

I put the bottle to my lips and then looked at Sam. "You can't let her hunt. When I'm gone I mean."

Sam rolled his eyes. "You act like I can keep Ava from doing anything."

"Maybe you should stop, too."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I'm serious. You wanted it before. You and Ava can take care of the kid together."

"The kid?" Sam raised his eyebrows.

"You know what I mean." I sighed and took another swig from my bottle.

"Hey, boys."

I turned on my stool. My breath felt like it was pushed right out of my chest. She looked so beautiful. She wore a long black dress that was snug against her curves. I wasn't sure if it was my imagination, but her stomach looked a little swollen under the tight fabric. Her hair was straightened and she wore bright red lipstick.

I put my hand over my heart. "Wow."

"Wow yourself." Ava said walking up to me. She reached up and touched my cheek. She leaned in and pressed her lips to mine. "You too, Sammy."

"God not you too." He laughed.

"My dates." Ava said with a smile. She was looking between us.

"Don't get used to this." I said eyeing her. "I don't like to share."

Ava put her hand on her stomach. "Well you may have to share me."

I ran my fingers through her hair. It took everything in me to put a smile on my face. I wouldn't have to share her. At least not in the way she was insinuating.

"Ready to go?" I asked, finishing off my beer.

"Yup." She said taking my arm.

Ava

We walked into the wedding venue that was across the street from the hotel. It was beautiful. There were white lights strung around the ceiling, and tulle bellowing across the ceiling. There were hundreds of blush, red, and white flowers. The floor was covered in petals.

I looked at the high vaulted ceilings and the aisle. Everything seems magical. It felt a little surreal.

We lowered ourselves into seats toward the back. I sat directly in between the boys. I felt better next to them. Sam was the only brother I've ever known. My best friend. Then there was Dean. He was so handsome, sexy. He made my heart race. He was funny, and romantic. The father of my child. He may be the love of my life.

As if he could read my thoughts he reached for my hand and laced his fingers in mine.

The music started and the bridal party made their way down the aisle. The bridesmaids walking side by side with the groomsmen. They all looked like they were out of a magazine. I caught Dean looking at me. I felt my cheeks heat up.

The bride made her way down the aisle toward her groom. When he saw her he was overcome with emotion. He clutched his chest and he teared up. She looked beautiful. Her dress was long and full. Her train followed her as she gripped the arm of her father.

I would never have that. Even if we were to get married, neither of my parents would be there. I didn't have friends to watch. It would end up being me, the Winchester's, Bobby, and my love child. I sucked in my breath. Thank god Dean would never want that.

They took hands and the ceremony seemed to go by in a blur. There were readings, and the pastor explained love to the group. Commitment.

They went into the vows. The bride looked at her soon-to-be husband. "I've dreamed about love my whole life, but I never could have dreamed you up. I'm not that creative. You're better than anything I could've ever wanted for myself."

Dean leaned over and pressed his lips to my ear. "Do you want this?"

"What do you mean?" I whispered back, keeping my eyed glued on the alter.

"The whole shebang. A wedding?"

I glanced at him and felt his forehead. "Are you feeling okay? Are you sick?"

"No." He frowned. "I just thought... ya know."

I turned to him. The crowd erupted in a cheer, standing on their feet as the couple kissed. Even Sam stood next to me.

Dean and I sat, and stared at each other. "No, I don't know. Are you seriously asking me?"

"If you want it, I'll do it."

"So romantic."

He groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"What's wrong with you? You go to a wedding and suddenly you want to get married? Is it because I'm pregnant. Want to make an honest woman out of me?"

"I mean... kinda."

"Fuck you, Winchester." I stood up, flattening out my dress.

"Ava wait..." He called after me, and I flipped him the bird.

Sam

"What was that about?" I asked as Ava stormed out right before the bride and groom exited. I watched her finger fly in the air. "What'd you do?"

Dean sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I think I asked her to marry me."

My eyes widened. "What?"

"I don't know, man. I was caught up in the moment. She looked so beautiful. Maybe it's the monkey suit. It's got me feeling weird."

"Maybe it's because you love her."

Dean made a face. "I don't really do the whole love thing."

"Maybe that's why she said no." I offered.

"Well she didn't say no, as much as fuck off."

"Sounds like a no to me."

"Whatever. I need a drink."

I watched Dean walk toward the reception, and I was left in the ceremony space alone. I looked around at the room. I got it. I understood why Dean would bring it up. His time was running out, and seeing her in this setting was enough to make him question his choices.

Part of me wanted to be there. To be the best man. Give the speech that's embarrassing. Get really drunk and dance with Ava. To be happy.

For now the best I could do is find her. I could help put the pieces back together.

"Ava." I called for her. I pushed out the doors and found her sitting on the steps on the side of the building. "Hey you."

"Hey." She sighed, looking up at me.

I lowered myself next to her. "What's going on?"

"Is Dean okay? He's been acting so weird."

"He has." I said.

"Is it because of the baby? Because I almost died?"

"I think all of it has him in a weird place."

"Be kind of proposed. I think he thinks he's doing the right thing."

I looked to her. She was clueless. So was he.

"But I don't want him to want that because it's the right thing. I want him to do it because it's the right thing for him."

"You don't think it's the right thing for him?"

"He's a hunter." She said slowly. "How often do they get married?"

"I don't see it often, but we have seen it."

"He's acting so different, Sam. It's like he's tense, but he's trying so hard to seem fine. Like maybe he wants to run, but is trying not to."

"He doesn't want to run. Trust me."

"Then why is he acting so weird?"

"You'd have to ask him that."

"He won't tell me." She said putting her face in her hands. "He can't want to marry me."

"Why not?"

She looked at me. "He won't even say he loves me."

"Have you told him how you feel?"

"I don't want to scare him."

"He doesn't spook so easily." I assured her. I searched her face. She looked troubled. He had to tell her. It was eating her up inside.

"I think it'd hurt too bad to tell him to just have him say that he likes me." She shook her head. "It all just feels so fragile."

"I get so tired of you two not talking to each other." I admitted with a slight annoyance. "Not everyone gets to be with the person they love." I stood up. "You two have to get over yourselves and just be together."

"Sam..."

I shook my head. "I need a drink." I headed to the reception to meet Dean. He had to tell her. I couldn't deal with it anymore. Time was too limited.

"Hey." Dean said, offering me a glass of whiskey. "What took you so long?"

"You have to tell her, Dean." I said, taking the shot. "She's freaking out."

He shook his head. "No, I can't."

"You have to. Man, you're running out of time. She deserves to know about the deal."

"What deal?" Ava said, standing behind us. "What the hell is going on?"

—————

Chapter Twenty-Five, A Prayer for The Dying

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[themoonandotherslikeit]

The Look in Her Eyes- Chapter 12

***While on a case, Dean and Sam meet a beautiful woman, Ava. She makes a large impression on the brothers, and ends up convincing them to take her on the road with them. It isn’t long before the shared experience, car rides, motel rooms, and risky cases pushes Ava and Dean together in an unlikely story of love, family, fate, and friendship. ***

Chapter Eleven, Part of Your World 

Ava

I applied my lipstick and slid into my heels as the boys tied their ties. I pinned back my hair, knowing how useful a spare Bobby-pin can be. I slid my new fake FBI badge into my blazer, and strapped my gun to my inner thigh.

Dean eyed me from across the room. His mouth was hanging open. Our cross country road trip had taken us to a small island off North Carolina where fishermen were disappearing.

"Alright Agents. Let's get going." I said, giddy. 

Dean winked at me, and Sam made a face like he was grossed out, but he literally asked for this so I figured he shouldn't complain. We got in the Impala, Dean and I upfront and Sam in the back.

Our four day road trip had been filled with laughter, rock singalongs, and greasy road food. Things with Dean so far were pretty blissful. Maybe it would work out after all.

We went to the morgue first. I lead the way in, my heels clicking. "Agent Williams, these are my subordinates Agent Wilde and Agent Morrison."

The boys flashed their badges, and Dean cracked a small smile.

"Agent Williams." The coroner nodded. "What can I help you with?"

I flipped my hair over my shoulder. "We are looking into the missing men in your town. I've heard that one finally showed up."

"Washed up, is more like it.” He frowned. “The FBI is interested in a drowning?"

Dean stepped forward. "It's protocol to look into any case with this many victims. These are five men."

"Take it easy." I said, cooly. "Just show us the body."

The coroner looked between us and unzipped the body from the bag. His skin was pale and slightly blue. He was swollen.

I leaned in to the corpse, and I picked up his hand. "What did you make of these marks?" I pointed at small cuts.

He shrugged. "It's hard to tell. Maybe scraping against rocks when he came to shore.

"Sort of looks like cuts made by gills." I frowned. "Like a Grouper." I examined all the small cuts. "Looks like he put up a fight with multiple fish."

"Unlikely. Those types of fish usually dwell deeper than he could've been in. Otherwise he wouldn’t have washed up."

I looked over the man a little more. I squinted. It looked like there was something in his mouth. "Open his mouth." I instructed. The coroner raised his eyebrow, and I grabbed a glove off the side table. When I turned Sam and Dean gave me a crazy look. I rolled my eyes. Babies.

The coroner propped open his jaw and I reached into his mouth with my index finger and thumb. Bingo. I thought as I pulled out a long piece of plant. "What do you make of this?"

"It looks like seaweed."

"So you think he sucked in this thing and choked to death?" Sam asked.

"No." I said, popping the mouth back open before pulling out a sharp piece of coral. "I think he was murdered. This ripped a hole in his windpipe. Doubt he was chewing on coral for fun."

Sam and Dean exchanged a look.

"That'll be all." I said with a smile. I handed him my card. "Call if anything else comes up."

"Will do."

We pushed out into the cold, salty air. "So, what do we think?" Dean asked me, meeting my strides.

I stopped and turned to them. "We are looking for something with sharp gills, that drown fishermen by stuffing things down their throat. I'm not the monster expert, so does that sound familiar to either of you?"

Sam sighed. "No. It doesn't."

I looked at Dean. "So what now?"

"Now Sammy goes and does some research."

"Why Sam?"

"Because I owe you a date." He said cheekily.

"We can't go on a date, Dean." I rolled my eyes. "We're working."

"We're always working." He countered.

"Fine. One beer, and we are going to still talk about the case." I said crossing my arms.

"I love when you’re bossy."

"Sam you'll call when you figure something out?"

"Roger that." Sam agreed before getting in the car and heading back to the motel.

Dean looked at me with a grin. "So."

"So?"

"This is going well."

"Don't jinx it, Winchester." I said grabbing his hand. "Let's have that drink."

We walked to the bar, and both sat up at the bar rail. We ordered two beers and the bartender handed me mine. I turned to Dean and caught him staring. "What?"

"I was just thinking that this was dejavu, Detective."

I grinned. "It is, Agent." I smiled and took a swig of my beer. "I thought you were such an ass."

"I am."

"You're not." I said biting my lip. "You're just guarded. Just like me."

He reached his arm behind me and placed a kiss on my shoulder. "Two peas in a pod."

"Yeah." I smiled and took a sip. "Anyway, the case." I said, changing the subject.

"You're all business. It's sexy." He grinned.

"Focus, Dean." I snapped. "What do you think?"

He looked into his bottle. "I don't know. Never seen something like this before."

"You've never seen a creature that's sea dwelling?"

"No, but it may not be in the sea. Could be a spirit on a boat, or something."

"Very insightful." I laughed.

"Well, what's your idea?" He frowned.

"I don't know. Siren?"

"Nah, they don't live in the water. They don't really present like this."

"Maybe it's a shark ghost or a mermaid."

"Very funny."

I shrugged.

My phone rang, and I answered. "Sam."

"You guys won't believe this."

"Lay it on me. It's going to be way more than what we have here." I winked at Dean.

"I think... I think it's a mermaid."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"What?" Dean asked.

"Hold on, Sam." I said. "Dean we need to go somewhere private."

Dean nodded and we snuck into the back, one stall bathroom. I locked the door. "I've imagined this, but in my fantasy Sam isn't on the phone."

I rolled my eyes and clicked speaker. "Okay, Sam. We must've had a bad connection. Say it again."

I could hear Sam sigh. "I said I think it's a mermaid."

"Sam, have you been watching too much Disney again?" Dean asked.

"No. You know there's tons of lore on it. Everything I read says they're a bad Oman. Men showing up drowned. Some lore even says that they eat flesh."

"Creepy." I said with a shiver. "So if it is one, how do we kill it?"

"Stab to the heart."

"Easy enough." Dean shrugged.

"Except it has to be from a stake forged from the remnants of a shipwreck."

"Of course it does." Dean groaned. "Why is it never easy?"

"Then it wouldn't be any fun." I grinned.

"Sammy, did you find anything similar about the victims?"

"Other than the fact they're all fishermen? No. Not really. Although, I did manage to hear the latest victims 911 call. Which got me to this conclusion."

"Can you play it for us, Sam?" I asked.

"Sure... hold on."

"911 what's your emergency?"

"There's a woman! She's drowning! I'm going in after her, send an ambulance! We are at the pier."

"Sir, please remain calm."

The phone sounded jostled, a splash.

"Mam! Oh god. You're... no!"

There was screaming, splashing, and then nothing. The line goes dead.

"Shit." I said, looking at Dean from across the bathroom.

"Sounds suspicious for sure." Dean agreed. "So where are we going to find a shipwreck weapon?"

"In a town like this." I offered. "Should be pretty easy to find."

"Yeah, I'm working on that." Sam said.

Dean raised an eyebrow with a smirk. "Give us a call when you find it. We have a date to finish." He reached out and turned off my phone.

"Maybe we should go by the pier make sure no more fishermen get pulled under." I said going to unlock the bathroom door.

"Hey." Dean said, grabbing my hand. "Are you okay?"

I turned to look at him, and my heart softened. "I'm great." I stepped closer to him and pressed my lips to his. "I'm just in the case. I have laser focus." I grinned.

He put a hand behind my head and pulled me into a hug. "Let's go to the pier. We can rain check this until after we catch our fish."

I smiled and exhaled with relief. "Thank you."

"Let's go before people get the wrong idea. Wouldn't want an internal affairs problem when they find out you're dating your subordinate." He winked unlocking the door.

"I was waiting for you to bring that up." I laughed.

"It's hot." He shrugged. "Let's go boss."

He patted my ass and we walked out of the bathroom, paid at the bar, and made our way to the pier.

I hooked my pinky with his and walked side by side. "How are you gonna run in those shoes?" He asked me.

"There are a lot of requirements for being a woman." I said flippantly. "We are expected to look pretty and be functional. So I chose to be more. I can run pretty good in these." I said shaking my foot. "But I can also kick them off in a pinch."

"Well, you don't have to wear them."

"You don't like them?" I asked lacing my fingers with his.

"I just don't want you at risk."

"That's sweet. So protective." I teased.

"I'm serious. Maybe stick to flat shoes. I don't want anything catching you." He said, stopping. He kissed my forehead.

"Come on Casanova." I said, pulling him to the pier.

My heels clicked on the wooden planks of the pier. I looked out toward the water, any signs of anything disturbing the glass. The ocean was calm.

"It's kind of messed up."

"What is?" He asked, looking at me.

"They're trying to be heroes. I wonder why they do it? Why they kill the men if they're trying to save the mermaids."

"Ava you'll learn pretty quickly that monsters are just monsters."

"Always?"

"Nah, there's exceptions. But they're far and few between."

I nodded knowingly. “Sucks when the world is so black and white.” I sighed and looked up at the night sky. "It's kind of peaceful out here." I murmured, mostly for myself.

"For a murder scene, sure." Dean grinned.

"Shut up." I grinned, glancing at him. Something was different about Dean. Since his confession in the rain he seemed more relaxed, like he finally let his hair down. Maybe he would let himself be happy. Maybe I could let myself be happy, too.

I looked back out at the water to see a head break through the surface. "Help!" He man shouted, gasping for air before he was sucked back under.

"Shit!" Dean said, before jumping up, and diving into the water.

Dean

"Dean!" I heard Ava shout as my hands hit the water.

It was dark, but I could vaguely see two shapes. They were thrashing together. I swam forward as fast as I could. I pulled the knife from my pocket.

The closer I swam the more defined the shapes were. The thing had its hands around the mans throat, and he was thrashing at her.

I swam closer and stabbed my knife into the things tail. It's mouth opened up to reveal layers of sharp teeth like a shark. Bubbles erupted from its mouth in a scream. It released the man and darted away, into the blackness of the sea. My lungs were burning as I swam up, towing the man with me. I gasped for air as soon as I broke through the top layer of water.

"Dean, oh my god. You were down there forever." She ran to the edge of the pier to help me pull the man out of the water. I pushed myself up and laid on my back.

"He isn't breathing." I gasped, coughing up some water myself. I rolled on my side and, I watched Ava press her hands to the mans chest and begin CPR.

After a few minutes he gasped out, spitting water. "Let's get him to the hospital." I said, making eye contact with her. "That thing will be back. This time we need to be ready."

Ava helped me load the man into the car and we left him at the ambulance bay. I let her drive because my head was pounding. "Are you sure you're okay?" She asked, reaching for my hand.

"I'm okay." I said with a cough. I squeezed her hand.

"Let's go regroup with Sam. Maybe he found a weapon."

"Good." I grunted. "Because the bitch still has my knife."

She pulled up to the motel and I walked into the room. I wiggled out of my wet jacket.

"Woah, what happened to you?" Sam asked, standing up.

"Went for a swim." I grunted.

"He saved another potential victim." Ava said, coming up behind me.

"Did you see it?" Sam asked.

"Yeah. Ugly motherfucker." I peeled off my shirt. "Any ideas on a weapon?"

"Actually, yeah. There's a museum that has genuine articles from a wreck that happened near here. Including an old sword. I think that'd work." Sam explained.

"When do we go get it?" I asked.

"Actually, I think you two should stay here. Rest and when I get back we can kill the thing."

"I think that's a good idea." Ava agreed.

"I'm fine."

"Give Sam twenty minutes to get the weapon and we will meet him. Come on, Dean."

I frowned. "Fine."

Ava and Sam nodded to each other and he jogged out the door.

"You better be glad you're cute." I grumbled at her.

"I am." She said walking to me. She wrapped her arms around my neck. "I'm glad you're okay."

"I'm fine." I shrugged.

"I thought she drowned you."

"I wouldn't die by the little mermaid. That's pathetic..." Before I could finish my sarcastic thought she pressed her mouth to mine. My mouth still hung open in surprise before I corrected and kissed her back. "Hey." I said, pulling away a bit. "What was that for?"

"You scared me." She admitted quietly.

I ran my fingers through her hair. "This job is dangerous, but you can't get rid of me that easily."

"Yeah, you can't die before you take me on that date."

"I wouldn't dare." I grinned, pulling her closer to kiss her again.

Kissing Ava was unlike kissing any other woman. It was like the first kiss, over and over again. She made my stomach flip. She tasted delicious. With every kiss she breathed life into me.

"We should change." Ava said softly. "My skirt is wet."

I grinned widely. "I can help you with that." I started to unzip my slacks.

"Slow down pervert. It's not like that." She pointed to my soaked pants. "I was sitting on your lap and you got ocean water all over my skirt." She kissed my nose. "And as you pointed out earlier, this isn't exactly a fighting outfit." She walked to her suitcase and pulled out something more appropriate, including her pair of black converse.

Sam was back in record time, holding a big ass sword and two diving wetsuits.

"No." I said at the same time as Ava said, "Yes!"

We walked up the pier looking fucking ridiculous. Ava walked behind us, laughing hysterically taking a million photos. If I didn't care about getting laid later I would toss her phone in the ocean. We wore the wet suit, goggles, and Sam even wore flippers. The sword was over my shoulder.

"You look cute." Ava commented.

"I'm naked under here." I teased.

"Ooh." She winked back.

"Hey, what's that?" Sam asked, stopping.

It was a woman, she sat on the bench on the pier. She was completely naked. Her dark hair had pieces of seaweed twisted into it. She was looking away, but even from here I could see my knife suck in her leg.

"Son of a bitch." I said under my breath.

Ava saw it a second after I did, and both of us took off in a run. Sam fast waddled behind us in his fins.

Ava pulled her gun out quickly and shot at the mermaid. She hit it in the shoulder and it turned, hissing and showing it's rows of fangs. It's eyes were dead, like a fishes, and it's skin was almost gray like a sharks. The closer we got the more grotesque she looked.

"Come here, bitch." I said as I lunged toward her.

She slid out of my way and grabbed Ava from behind. Her jaw was open and ready to take a bite out of Ava as she struggled. "Let her go." I growled. Sam was close, I could hear his flippers smacking the ground. He wasn't exactly inconspicuous.

"Make me." It hissed.

Ava made eye contact with me, opened her mouth, and bit into the things hand.

It howled and unnatural scream and it's hand flew back. "I love sushi." Ava said, stepping out of the way so I could push the sword into its chest.

"And I love skewars, but after today I think I will stick with burgers."

It withered and screamed, its fingers curling into itself, then it almost seemed to melt into water, seeping through the cracks in the pier back into the ocean.

"You good?" I asked Ava.

"I'm great." She smiled back to me.

We both turned to Sam and burst into laughter. He was bent over, trying to take off the damn flippers. "Quit playing around, Sam. We are working a case." Ava grinned.

"Shut up." He grumbled.

I picked up the sword. "Guess we better get this back."

"We can't keep it?" Ava asked with a pout.

"Do you want it for sex things or work things?"

"Work!" She looked disgusted then she paused, an eyebrow raised. "Wait, what kind of sex things?"

I laughed and shook my head.

"Is that a yes?"

"When have I ever said no to you?"

"True." She said, placing a kiss on my cheek.

That's what I loved about her. She was funny. She lit up the room. She was spectacular. She was mine.

—————

Chapter Thirteen, The Beginning

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The Look in Her Eyes- Chapter 4

***While on a case, Dean and Sam meet a beautiful woman, Ava. She makes a large impression on the brothers, and ends up convincing them to take her on the road with them. It isn’t long before the shared experience, car rides, motel rooms, and risky cases pushes Ava and Dean together in an unlikely story of love family, fate, and friendship. ***

Chapter Four- Arms

Dean

"Fuck no."

"Dean." She breathed my name. I liked the way it sounded escaping her lips. I could feel her breath on my face.

"Don't Dean, me." I shook my head. "You need to rest. There's no sense in arguing about things that you'll never win." I lead her back to sit down, and she was really to weak to fight against it.

"Sit with me?" She asked, looking up at me with her blue eyes.

"Mm." I nodded, lowering us down. I kept one arm on her to keep her steady. "Ava." I exhaled.

"Don't Ava, me." She repeated my words. "What is it, Dean? You don't think a girl can hold her own? I'm not afraid."

I held her chin in my fingers. "Don't you get it? You should be."

"You aren't."

I laughed and shook my head. "Well you're wrong about at least one thing, sweetheart. I'm scared of everything." I let go of her chin, but her face stayed titled toward me.

"What are you scared of now?"

"I can't let something happen to you."

"Something already has."

"And that's supposed to change my mind?" I asked pointedly.

"It changed Sams."

Fucking Sammy. "Of course it did." I groaned.

As of on queue the door to her room opened. Sam walked in holding a duffle bag. "Let me guess." Sam began. "He didn't go for it."

"No." I stood up and faced my little brother. "I didn't. I can't believe you did." I frowned and shook my head. "Sammy, can I talk to you? Outside?"

I looked at Ava. I was angry at the ambush, but I couldn't help still feel an enormous guilt in my gut for the bandages covering her skin.

"Yeah." Sam grunted, placing the bag on the ground. "Sure."

The two of us went into the hall. The door clicked shut. "What are you thinking, Sam?"

"I'm thinking that she makes some valid points." Sam folded his arms across his chest.

I shook my head. "No way man. No way can we bring her."

"It's gonna hunt her, Dean. She's safer under protection and you know it."

"So we will send her to Bobby's."

"She wants revenge."

 So do I. "Sometimes we don't get so lucky."

"This time we can." He took a step toward me. "Dean, tell me. Do you really believe that she won't go after it anyway? I don't get that impression from her. She has a strong will. I don't think she's gonna let this go."

I shoved my hands in my pockets. "No." I grunted. "I don't either. Does that mean we just put her in danger?"

"She's going to be in danger anyway."

I turned toward the wall and slammed my first into it. "Shit." I flattened my hand against the wall. "Are we really going to bring this girl into it, Sammy?" I turned to him and searched his face for an answer.

"She's already in it."

"I know." I said, pressing my forehead against the cool wall.

"You want to tell her?"

"Yeah. I'll tell her." I pushed back into her room, pulling the door shut behind me.

"Dean?" She sat up. It looked like she had finally laid down to rest. I kicked myself for interrupting her sleep.

"Hey Ave."

She pursed her lips. "You seem... relaxed."

"Don't confuse my happiness to see you alive as relaxation." I sighed. "You're in."

"In as in...?"

"What? Do I need to spell it out for you?"

A spark lit in her eyes. She sat up a little straighter. "You're taking me with you."

"I'm not happy with it, but yeah. I guess we are."

Our eyes met. I was split in two. I couldn't stand to see her get hurt, but I wanted nothing more than to have her next to me. I wanted to protect her, but more than anything I wanted the peace I felt when I was next to her.

"When do we leave?"

"Listen, fighter, you need to get some rest." I walked up to her. She was small. Vulnerable. I pushed a strand of hair out of her face. "We aren't going anywhere until you're better."

Ava

3 Days Later 

We said goodbye to the hospital, and I put in my leave at work. After the attack no one questioned me.

"You seriously have 3 months built up of paid vacation?"

"I haven't taken a day since I started." I shrugged. I was still sore, and popping pain medication like it was candy. My internal wounds were cleared from the doctor. The stitches would dissolve on their own. I could still feel the knife between my legs. I shifted slightly.

Dean eyed me. "You okay?"

I chewed the inside of my cheek and readjusted my duffle bag. "I'm great."

"Okay." He said, not looking convinced, but also not pushing it.

We put my bag in the trunk, over his hunting gear. I wore leggings and a large sweatshirt and boots. I needed something flexible so it wouldn't rub against my wounds.

"I'll take the back seat." Sam said cooly, as he climbed into the back.

Sam and I had bonded over the last few days. Dean was constantly pacing outside of my room, and I knew he was watching over me when I slept but it was Sam who was up late at night talking to me and playing Gin.

"He's been ignoring me."

"He isn't ignoring you, Ava."

"He isn't?" I asked, dealing out a new set of cards. I sat crisscrossed on my hospital bed. Sam sat backwards in a chair that was pushed to the end of my bed. We were playing cards. 

"Nope. That's Dean. He doesn't want to get too close. He's still pouting that you're coming. He will come around. He did buy flowers, after all." Sam wiggles his eyebrows at me.

"I don't need him to come around come around. I'd just like to have him... ya know, look at me."

I had a feeling Sam was trying to push us together. I just couldn't figure out why.

"Okay." I said as I lowered myself into the passenger seat. I guess he can't avoid me if I'm sitting next to him.

Dean lowered himself into his car and started the engine. "Where are we headed , Sammy?"

"California." Sam said, leaning back. "El Matador. I'll get the details after I take a nap."

We sat in silence until I was sure that Sam was asleep. "You don't want me here."

Dean glanced at me and shook his head. "Sweetheart, you can't even begin to imagine what I want."

I turned my body toward him. "Stop with that shit. I'm not your sweetheart." I snapped. "I have just as much of a right to be here as you do. As Sam does."

He laughed. He's fucking laughing at me. Fire burned inside of me.

"I'm not a child, Dean!" My voice was raising. "I'm an officer. I know how to work a gun. I've gone undercover. I've beat countless perps. Yeah, maybe I don't know about demons and monsters, but if you will just fill in the gaps I can be helpful." I sighed. "Just fucking let me try."

Deans gaze softened at me and shook his head. "You're something else, you know that?"

I grinned at him. "I do."

We drove through the night, taking turns sleeping in the car, and made it to El Matador when the sun was rising over the ocean.

Dean pulled over, and I hopped out of the car, leaving my boots in my wake. The air was warmer here, about 65 degrees, and I jogged into the sand with my arms up to the clear California sky.

Dean

The passenger door flew open, and I watched Ava book it to the beach her arms wide to the sky. Her hair flew behind. "Wow." I whispered, not realizing at first that I said it out loud.

"She looks happy." Sam commented.

"She hasn't got a good look at the world yet." I grunted, back pedaling.

"Well, I like it." He said with a nod. "I'm going too."

"You're going on to the beach?" I had never seen Sam in a pair of flip flops, let alone ankle deep in sand.

"Why not?"

Sam stretched as he opened the car door, and ran after Ava. He caught up to her and picked her up from behind, spinning her around. She was laughing, and kicking her legs. They looked carefree. I had half the mind to drive away, leave their bliss in my rear view mirror. The other half of my mind, though, wanted to know what a laugh like that sounded like. "Fuck it." I mumbled. I untied my shoes and jogged onto the sand.

"Here to ruin the fun?" Ava asked when Sam put her down. "Let me guess, sand monsters?" She was grinning. She was testing me.

"Nope." I said, throwing her over my shoulder.

"Dean!" She shrieked.

I could hear Sam laughing behind us as I confidently walked both of us into the water. Fuck, was it cold.

"Dean! Put me down!" She shouted again, in between fits of laugher. Her palms slapped my back.

I pulled her off my back and held her in front of me in the water. I knew she was still weak, and I didn't want the undertow to take her.

"It's good to see you smile." She commented softly, a statement only for me to hear.

"You, too." I hadn't even noticed I was smiling.

She wrapped her arms my neck and reached up, placing a kiss on my cheek. "I know you're still unsure about having me here, but I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for letting me come anyway."

"You're welcome." I said, rubbing circles on her back with my thumb. I couldn't help but be happy. No matter how uneasy I felt about the risk we were taking, at least in that very moment we were calm. We were happy.

"Get a room you two!" Sam called from the shore. The kid was grinning from ear to ear. Asshole.

"Get a life, Sammy!" I shouted back, not loosening my grip on her for a second. "I think your boyfriend is jealous." I said through a fake smile.

"Sam isn't my boyfriend, and you know it." She said her voice low. Her arms were still around my neck.

"It's cold." I grunted. "Maybe we should go back to shore."

"You're probably right." She said, untangling herself from me.

I let her down, keeping my hand on her back as we walked through the gentle lapping waves, to sit in the sand next to Sam.

"We don't do this enough." Sam commented after a few minutes of silence.

"Don't do what?" Ava asked, as she braided her hair. She had lost her sweater and sat in a tight tank top and her black leggings. I could see her stitches poking out from the bottom of her pants and they made my skin itch.

"Have fun." Sam said, staring out at the water. In the distance a dolphin leapt out of the water.

"You Winchester's are so serious." She said laying back in the sand.

"You two are going to get sand all in my car." I complained.

"Have a little fun, Dean." Ava said with her eyes closed. "It'll add minutes onto your life."

I wished I could look as carefree as she did. Her braid in the sand. Her blue eyes were closed and her lips were slightly opened letting out relaxed breaths. She was beautiful.

"I'm tired." I said standing up. I shook my pants, trying to release any sand that was stuck in place. "Let's go get a room. Or two." I reached out my hand to help her up, but she stood on her own.

"Fine." She flipped her braid from her shoulder. "But I Get first shower. 

———————————————————————————————————

Chapter Five-The Motel

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