#imagine thinking literally nothing on screen is real and everyone's a psycho on the show that is supposed to be out realistic gays lmao

[forcebookish]

me to anons: don't let the haters get you down! rise above!

me, reading someone's 1000+ word meta about how every single character in only friends is manipulating every other character and there is not a single genuine emotion in the whole drama: *physically holding myself from simply responding "you're an idiot"*

[anamorph-marco]

Deadpool 2 (Spoilers)

Spoilers

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. . . . Okay, if you're still reading this you have been adequately SPOILERS, warned.

Deadpool 2 sucks. And it is unfortunate that it sucks because when it is good and on its game it is one of the funniest wittiest and sharpest pieces of parody satire comedy of an over-bloated over-saturated genre I've ever seen.

But three specific things CONSTANTLY pull this film back from being good, and ONE specific thing, makes it FUCKING AWFUL.

Let's start with the three things.

This film's theme, or what it clearly wants to be its theme, is that "No one is beyond saving, and EVERYONE is worth that effort, no matter what." Which is a very solid emotionally compelling lead, that compels the plot of the film.

When the film allows itself to have a plot.

The film's next HUGE problem is that it is basically a poorly written mess.

It's seams show EVERYWHERE. And I mean in it's story telling and structural assembly. Every single scene, no every single shot, can be so clearly delineated between Plot relevant, and joke. It very rarely ever does both at once and creates (A term I'm borrowing from video game critique) Cinema-Narrative dissonance, constantly. (Otherwise known as dissonance of framing)

The third thing:

While directly related to the second point, this observation is worthy of it's own consideration. This film has a tone problem. It is constantly trying to play itself two ways, Logan level serious, and South Park level funny. The tonal yo-yo-ing is so extreme that I'm surprised neck-braces aren't required upon viewing. (That's a joke)

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS (seriously, like, don't read this if you care about that stuff)

The film basically opens with *Wife Character* (I know her name is Ness, but she is reduced to a prop and it's infuriating so to emphasize that injustice I'm going to refer to her in this way to point out this ...phenomenon? yeah. I understand if it's upsetting) Anyways,

Wife character dies. Straight up, no pulled punches, she's shot in the heart, and it comes OUT OF NOWHERE. The film has not built up any stakes for itself, opening with a suicide joke . . . nice . . . And continuing into a constant barrage of satirical slapstick buffoonery and then BOOM wife dies. It's so out of nowhere that every time it cuts back to this CHARACTER MOTIVATING SUB PLOT, I was constantly apprehensive waiting for the other shoe to drop and the reveal to be it was all a joke.

I mean, it literally cuts to him in a bar peeing on himself because he's so sad.

I kept waiting for it to reveal that he was overreacting and imagining it all, or that he was over reacting and she just had to get surgery and was fine. Like the camera was going to pull focus and she was going to be in a wheel chair behind him.

For the recod: That doesn't happen, she's legitimately dead, actually totes mcscrotes real 4 realsies no take backsies.

Its that poorly handled.

The film hasn't earned this, it fridges Ness just to . . . John Wick? Deadpool into the main plot? But really it doesn't have anything to do with the main plot, and is a sub plot, that starts the film and is only there to be set up for jokey jokes later.

And no, John Wick is unfair. Because the whole point of John Wick is that his wife dies of natural causes and he is forced to confront that of all possible ways this could have happened to him or her, random cruel chance, was never one he thought of.

Ness dies because Deadpool fails to kill a dude with a cream cheese spreader.

No really, that's the joke.

END OF THREE THINGS

Okay, all of those poits are bad, but ultimately not unforgivable. If the rest of the execution is on par or better this film could be decent to good, and if certain points really hit home, it could still recover.

All points I concede.

Though my critique of those moments does have objective roots, it is ultimately subjective that I feel they are a big enough problem to impact the film's quality if the rest of the film executes itself competently anyways.

THE SCENE.

In my mind it will be the scene forever (And yes I'm stealing this set up from Hbomberguy, go watch his vids he's amazing)

The SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

THe scene: AKA: The X-Force Death scene.

If you've seen the trailers you know that Deadpool assembles a team of celebrity cameos to be his new team to take down the big bad. In a joke moment he calls them X-Force and thus . . . they are. Setup:

Deadpool and . . . annoying Edgar Wright film reject character (The bartender whose name I don't remember) hold "Tryouts" for the new team and put out a Craig's List add for recruits.

A whole bunch of people show up.

And all of them get hired, Immediately.

So there's your set up. A bunch of volunteers show up to help a guy do the right thing and save a kid from a psycho killer.

The film has earned and built towards ZERO (0) animosity towards these characters.

Okay, *deep breath* the scene:

The scene features all of those recruits dying in the most brutal cruel vicious disgusting and violent on screen deaths I've ever seen in cinema history, and I've seen A LOT of Z rated exploitation horror films.

Half the deaths don't make sense. Are only there because the script said so, break the diegetic reality, suspension of disbelief, and core conceit; of a film where the main character speaks directly to the audience for jokes. How you even manage to FUCK UP that bad . . . I don't even begin to comprehend.

Terry Cruise slams head first into a bus.

Brad Pitt has a brief two second cameo as his character get's electrecuted on a live wire.

Acid Vomit man gets pulled head first through a wood shipper, but not before he vomits on Gary . . . or was it stu? Russel? Whatever.

And then

Shatterstar. Shatterstar is an alien. So his blood is green.

Shatterstar gets pureed into green slop by helicopter blades. And then his severed ponytail SLOPS onto the windshield of the helicopter in a moment that is burned into my retinas.

IT is disgusting, and cruel and directly the fault of Deadpool.

Who against all advisory, forces his team to jump despite a wind advisory.

So let's talk about all the reasons this is completely fucking stupid.

1. a commercial sky diving plane is not going to bring divers up in a wind advisory. SO he either stole the plane or killed people to get it.

2. A helicopter WOULD NOT BE initiating take off under said conditions.

3. Helicopters don't work that way.

And three is the real kicker.

In film history there are moments that live in infamy for various parts of the craft.

For stunts gone wrong, there is ONE (1) moment.

When filming Twilight Zone, against all advisory, the director of the episode put children in harms way, and all three were decapitated by the helicopter.

This is particularly poignant because during the filming of Deadpool, a specific producer, who's name rhymes with Brian Greynalds, went against all cautionary advisory and had a stunt woman perform a stunt in unsafe conditions leading to her death.

So then, in the movie, we have a visual recreation of the most notorious stunt gone wrong in film history, in a film with a stunt gone wrong, where the leader, ignores all warnings, forces his character to perform the task, and they die a gruesome cruel death.

yeah.

And this isn't a moment of reflection either. Because this 6 minute scene is followed by a minute of jokes at the expense of the dead and then NONE of those characters are EVER MENTIONED AGAIN.

So... Let's really analyze why this scene is a problem. It's grotesquely unfunny. Absurdly cruel. Completely Mean Spirited. Horrifically distasteful. and again Not in any way funny whatsoever? (You know, despite what all the press junkits with the cast might make you think where they laugh and joke about this scene)

But it's one more thing.

Remember what I said was the theme of the movie? *Flashback*

"No one is beyond saving, and EVERYONE is worth that effort, no matter what."

Yeah.

This scene, directly works against that theme in the starkest and most movie destroying way possible.

As we watch the protagonist, not just cause and allow for the deaths of 5 well meaning characters specifically trying their best to do the right thing for good reasons, die in the most horrible ways ever put to screen.

We then get to joke about it. With no remorse. and no reflection. and then, it's forgotten.

If I had a digital copy of the film. I could literally edit that scene and the character's introductions out of the film, and NOTHING WOULD CHANGE.

It's a bad scene.

And combined with everything else.

It makes Deadpool 2 a bad movie.

And the fact that everything else in it is so good, just makes it all the more infuriating, because this film snatches defeat from the jaws of victory for no reason. One that could have easily been fixed in editing.

It would have had tone problems.

It would have been inconsistent.

But it would have been good, with great highlights.

But instead.

It's not.

It's just bad

. . . . . . . . . . . . ***Post Credits thoughts: (I guess)*** ... And I didn't even go into the extended toddler dick joke scene. Because . . . yeah. That's a thing. and it's as uncomfortable and "pedo" sounding as that sentence implies. Also, what plot there is is pretty incoherent because of those three problems I mentioned before. It's literally like watching 4 different films.

[n0resistance]

5 years  ago

     My friend just sent me a post from when I was in my first play 5 years ago. It was such an exciting time in my life. The entire thing wasn’t what you would imagine. I remember before getting this role, I was taking classes. My only audience was my classmates, and I have never been on stage. I was in a play when I was 11 years old, and that was the last time I performed.

    The director met me at a coffee shop in lower Manhattan. We had an interview and I lied and told her I acted before and had a fake resume with student films on it. I really wanted to be in this play, because I felt I couldn’t call myself an actor unless I had a job acting or at least experienced having had a job acting. I realized later some people’s entire careers are in the classroom, or in their bed room, and they never ever get out there. Luckily, I don’t have to lie on resumes anymore. I first met the other actors at Times Square.

  Our first reading was on the second floor of a fast food place, in Times Square. The theater we were supposed to rehearse in wasn't available. Double booking of the space occurred or something.

   It was a small Theater Festival, that was on the 20th floor, where you can hear the ambulance in the background when it passed by. It was winter time and I was living on Chrystie Street. I had acting class nearby and then I remember the hardest part was finding a place to rehearse. I really tried to help the director. One time I tried using my old college Pace’s empty classroom, and they said I couldn’t enter, because the school was shut down for winter break. We were all there, ready to rehearse.

   So I called my friend and he let me use his apartment. He had a Pitbull who was misbehaved at the time. His pit literally took a shit on his leather couch during our rehearsal and I cleaned it up.

   People in this cast, had minimal training. This one kid bailed on us the second show, so the writer got her mom to play the character. It’s a normal thing in theater, to improvise people, because one doesn’t show. The director’s mom never acted before, was so nervous, and has never been on stage. It was only one line and 1 minute, but seeing her rehearse again and again and was very cute and made me feel less anxious.

   It doesn’t matter how old you are, acting does something to you. Performance anxiety, it’s just this scary thing. As scary as it is, it’s a huge release.

   My teacher said I was the best actor in the festival, which meant a lot.  My ability to get people to come was impressive. I remember being so nervous that I didn’t want to tell anyone about the show and this was a theater competition, if people didn't go we definitely wouldn’t win. The prize was an opportunity to perform the play again and the final prize was money. I talked to the writer and told her I didn’t want to tell anyone about the show because it’s embarrassing. That everyone would make fun of me.

   I was never surrounded by actors and my dreams made me think, who am I to want to be an actor. She said, if your friends make fun of you, they’re not your real friends. That was that. Why would I want to be friends with anyone who makes fun of me? In my culture it’s natural for people to make fun of you, and I was pretty good at selective listening. If you do listen, the insecurities can destroy you. It gave me enough courage to post the play on social media and promote it. Some people from my high school came to this play and my family came. It was a special time for me.

   Every time I acted this big wave of love would come over me. I was true to myself and that’s what motivated me these past 5 years.Self-love. Doing it because, I actually loved myself enough to allow myself to be an artist. It was this journey of so many projects after.

   I’m still doing projects, even if they’re just for me or my loved ones. Out in LA I met so many new people and some became new friends. I was able to connect quickly from working so much; I had such a drive because of how uncomfortable I was. I missed my friends and family and felt the need to make new connections. It was the only way to survive. Luckily I did have one good friend. I realized one is a lot. After you have one, you keep gaining more support. The thing I’m grateful for mostly is this supportive environment that made me feel like I could do anything.

   Sometimes I think that being uncomfortable was why I worked on so many projects out in LA. I was there to work on that part of myself. I needed it, I really didn’t have anything else, besides working side gigs and paying rent. However, did have the whole west coast to explore.

    Creativity and traveling have kind of been what I looked forward to since I started doing both. I make videos and write stories for the hell of it. For gifts, for memories, for myself, and it just feels like I’m living within or as close to my purpose as possible.

   I enjoy learning new languages and seeing new places. I also enjoy playing a different things a servant, a princess, a king, a psycho, getting behind the camera, filming my b-roll in Mexico, organizing film screenings and getting people together, I enjoy making movies in my apartment because it’s a free location, and then seeing it in a movie theater out in independent movie theaters, I enjoy the process and it really does make me happy to accomplish a film or a play every time.

     I try to make sense of the career I’m trying to create. Will I always have to work in hotel management and bar tending, I even think of real estate? Will I ever grow out of being a production assistant or doing short films? I mean I might, it might be my future. I might learn a new skill and have three jobs. If I can pay my bills and serve a greater purpose in my artistry, then all the bull shit you go through, to make stuff happen, doesn’t bother me that much. Now, yes it will bother me, if I have nothing to show for it. At the end of the day, what do we have in our lives? We have our human experiences.  That’s what we bring to the table as artists. I do believe, things are meant to be, and we are where we are for a reason. Mainly that reason has to do with getting better at it, having more opportunities, and expressing.

  There are plenty of opportunities out there, but I always hope to hang on to that girl from 5 years ago. The girl who’s never been on stage in front of an audience, who found happiness and wasn’t so miserable at work anymore. Who was so excited for this twenty minute play! Who invited her whole high school, college, and family to come see, even though she was so scared people would make fun of her. The girl who felt completely free of fear and I hope to hang on to her forever.

[thiswasasuperterribleidea]

The day he left... & the next 47 psychotic days after...

Things get funny here I swear. I’m not here to tell you all of the extraordinary highs or rock bottom lows of my relationship. It was both very perfect and very horrible. We never had that middle ground… But he was my go to. He was my weakness and as soon as I was with him, every problem melted away and I felt at home.

For some reason this is the analogy I chose for the day he left… Every time I say it I get a weird look. I should probably stop using it and find another analogy. And by probably I mean definitely… It’s a little much…I said it to the therapist I talked to and even her eyes screamed “WOW YOU’RE DRAMATIC AND KINDA CRAZY…” And I literally pay her to tell me that I’m NOT crazy…so that must mean it’s a bad one. But here it goes again…

Do you remember what people said the day of September 11th? Well I was in the 1st fucking grade so I actually don’t… BUT, from every documentary I’ve ever watched I know that everyone said it was a beautiful day. Like it was an unusually perfect day... Skies were blue with no clouds in sight, good vibes all around. That’s how this day was. He left my condo that morning, (the condo that I moved out into solely to ease some tension off of our relationship …YIKES) So, we were not physically together but were texting and laughing. Now I know people say “lol” and have a straight face.. but I know I had him laughing at our conversation. It was a Sunday and my spoiled Italian ass was attempting to make meatballs for the first time alone because my mom has cooked for me my whole life. I had no idea what the hell I was doing or where to begin but I knew I needed STALE Italian bread for the bread crumbs. If you’re Italian you understand why they have to be stale… I just learned and I’m very excited about it! They have to be stale bread crumbs so that the meatballs are crunchy not soggy! DUH… So I called him to rant because apparently in this new shit town I moved to, NO ONE CARES ABOUT ITALIAN BREAD! They only sell weird kinds. No Appicella’s Italian Bread for milessss. I called Darren trying to explain. He had no idea why I was running from grocery store to grocery store for bread. Couldn’t understand why I couldn’t buy a box of bread crumbs for my meatballs. It was funny. I said some other funny things when I was back home making my sauce…and I know he was laughing at me.

The reason this was such a big deal and why it relates to the pre 9/11 plane crash perfect day is because this was rare for us. We rarely ever had good texting conversation we always fought when we were apart. It was what I would consider a perfect day. We were talking normal, he was going to come over and watch a movie that night, probably have some really great sex. Then he said my name. That was all it took. A text came in that read “Francesca” and I felt the mood switch so quick. From the playful conversation that I was so happy with …to seeing my own name on my phone … it was honestly worse than seeing the most feared “We need to talk…” He follows up with a serious “are we ever going to get better?” … Are we ever going to get better?!?!?! I’m over here thinking we’re having a pre 9/11 perfect day.. thinking this is how we’re supposed to be and he’s asking me if we’re going to get better? This is better to me.. this is what I want EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!!

So what do I do? Pretend to be a hardass obviously…  My instant reply “If you want to break up with me… just do it now.” Next thing I know, the phone rings… and BOOM he ends it. Juuuuust like that. Lmao. It’s actually kind of funny… Like who the fuck did I think I was? Did I think my vagina was THAT awesome or something? Did I actually think that he wouldn’t end it with that being my response? And that’s when my walls came crashing down and the analogy almost sort of comes together. (Maybe not…?) Well being a hardass clearly didn’t work… so I decided to move on to the next best option… DESPARATE AND PSYCHOTIC!!!

First he asked for space... In case I haven’t made it obvious enough yet. I don’t know what the word space means. Also, thank you to my saint of  a Nonny, (No sarcasm intended) ...I didn’t know what the word no meant either. This guy would straight out tell me he lost all feelings for me... and you know what I did??? I told him he was lying. Lmao. Legit said no, you do, you’re lying to make me go away. DOUBLE YIKES. He asked for space, and I didn’t want space. So do you think I gave him space? NoOoOoOo chance. I decided it would be better to blow up his phone with 50 texts and phone calls. You probably think I’m over exaggerating right? 50? No one has time or energy to call 50 times right? Wrong. I’m actually probably UNDER exaggerating. 50 is a low ball. Now this is a pretty much every day thing for a full month straight. But my psycho games were only just beginning...

The next two things I did are two things I will regret for the rest of my life whether Darren ever decides to forgive me for them or not. And... disclaimer ...I am sharing this part mostly because I want to pretend I am giving you all advice... but in reality I don’t think there is a single human being that needs to be advised to NOT do this because I feel like I am somehow the only bat shit crazy girl alive to ever think of this... So if you read this and let me put this crazy thought in your head and you don’t think it sounds like THAAAAT bad of an idea...  please slide into my DM’s and let me save you. First off. I went home one weekend. Just for the sole purpose of doing this by the way ... took my mother’s cell phone and sent Darren a sweet little text. And by sweet little text I mean...some restraining order worthy text where I impersonated my mother- someone who wanted nothing to do with Darren, and tried to convince him we had her blessing and to give me another shot and come over for Thanksgiving and Christmas because hey guess what everything can be perfect now!!!! ....yeah. That was my all time lowest point. Now I can say a lot of negative things about myself. Insecure, borderline crazy... the one thing I can’t say is that I’m a compulsive liar. Everything I said in those texts while impersonating my mother did come from her mouth. I am trying to make this blog light and funny...as a way to cope but this breakup was the absolute darkest time in my life aside from my Poppy passing away. I never felt anything like this. I showed up to work late every day for a month. When I was there I was barely working. I was negative and miserable all of the time. My parents didn’t know what to do with me. But they were there for me in every way they could be. See my parents were highschool sweethearts. My mom never had a broken heart. She had my dad. And she still has my dad. She never didn’t have him or someone. She never had  a broken heart. And that made it very hard for her to comfort me as my mother because she couldn’t relate. Whenever we would talk, she would say “Francesca, We’ll get through this... everyone goes through  a broken heart.” The thing was... NO MA YOU DIDNT!! AND I’M SUPER SALTY BECAUSE OF IT RIGHT NOW...One time she told me she did go through a broken heart because she had and I quote... “crushes” on people before my father... When I tell you I had to get up out of my chair on the back porch and walk myself inside to excuse myself from that stupidity... I just can’t even lol. She was trying, but she was clueless. But she did sit down with me a lot and not all our conversations were that useless. She did promise me that if God ever brought Darren back into my life that she would give me her support because seeing me go through this made her realize all she cares about is my happiness. So I wasn’t a total liar. Only sorta... But the problem was really what I was doing to Darren during this. I was literally hiding behind a cell phone screen trying to change his feelings off of something fake. Literally toying with his emotions. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if he fed into it. Our relationship would have been based on a lie... it makes me sick. I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t found out it was actually me texting... which brings me to the second thing I will always regret which was impersonating my roommate still trying to fuck with Darren’s feelings. Cause I mean 1 person just wasn’t enough.. go big or go home right? 

The good news here is... my roommate isn’t that great of a friend in general. But right here in this instance. She was a great one. The real MVP. She threw me under the bus fuckin haaard. She told Darren it wasn’t her, it wasn’t my mom it was no one but me. I am so greatful for that. Well, I am now anyway. Actually as soon as she told me she let Darren know it was me impersonating everyone I literally cried so hard I had to leave work lmao. I was so mad. I honestly felt like she was being the shit friend that she had been before. Like she had some loyalty to Darren or something and not me. It was such a feeling of betrayal. I thought about it for the rest of the day and realized how great it was that she did that for me. Now don’t get me wrong. Darren isn’t stupid or weak and truthfully I always knew that whether he thought he was speaking to my mom or my roommate Danielle... he wasn’t changing his mind on me. But if there was ever a second of weakness for him. Where he changed his mind because of those conversations. Our new relationship would have been doomed before it even started. So I have to give her credit where credit is due and thank her for not giving me the chance to potentially build a relationship off of a lie and being a true friend. I bought her a caramel apple from edible arrangements to thank her... But then I ate it all. I had to go get her another one the next day. 

It got to the point where Darren blocked me. I sent him countless love letters expressing my feelings, tried talking casually, and also tried impersonating anyone I could lol. I tried making my manager Dwight reach out to him and pull for me because they are friends too. I did some crazy shit there too.  At the end of work I would follow Dwight to his car and ask him if he could try and get Darren to give me another chance. One night I even hopped in the passenger seat and begged him until I forced myself an emotional breakdown. I sat there in his car crying and when I tell you this guy looked like he saw a ghost... oh my god the look on his face now was priceless. The way he fake tried to comfort me, patting my shoulder it’s making me laugh just thinking about it now. I was so messy. The next night when we walked out together he made sure I locked the branch door and he deadass sprinted to his car to get away from me lmao. While I know he was for sure telling Darren about my crazy self.. he was a pretty solid friend to me during this. A lot better than some of my “real” friends. We had a lot of laughs and he talked me through a lot. Long story long the bad news is we’ve probably gotten a little to close over the past two months but I guess that’s just what happens when someone is helping someone through something.

The real good news is Darren blocking me was my come up and exactly what I needed.