#im trying not to doom spiral but it's getting harder everyday

[quasieli]

Of the 85 job apps I've sent out (on just Indeed), I've gotten 25 rejections, and 3 employers who have reached out (2 of which did not respond after I responded). I've been on 2 job interviews and never heard back from either of them afterwards. How am I not supposed to be upset and angry?

[eepybeauty]

I can’t keep thinking that I am untouchable if I keep fucking up I’ll just keep causing problems for myself. I cannot handle everything at once. I should of blocked his number to make him think there wasn’t another chance. I was bored and wished keith would say things like him. But I’m just as dumb and just as naive because all I like is attention. He’s in a gang who’s trying to be better, I respect that but I don’t want nothing to do with him. The attention I got doesn’t mean shit if it’s not from keith. No one will compare to him I know how I sound but thats just how I feel rn.

I’m focusing to hard on the wrong things school is getting stressful I can’t fuck up I need to start taking this shit more serious. money is at stake here I can’t fuck up I have to keep trying I can’t keep ignoring and hope that things will work out for me. I fucked up last semester I can’t fuck up this semester I need to try harder I can’t be fucked.

I’m treating Amy like shit rn, I won’t help her with college I won’t help her with her prom dress and I’m not with her. I’m neglecting her just as much as I’m neglecting everything else

I’m doing so many things wrong

Chloe feels differently about me resentment jealousy it’s new it’s different. if I loose more weight look the way I want to look act the way I want to act have everything fall into it’s right place I would feel guilty if she still hands those feelings towards me. Because I have no idea how to comfort someone who wants to look like you. Why am I so bad at saying the right things. Then I want to get upset at keith that he isn’t better? I’m just as bad and shouldn’t hold that double standard. I feel like I’m such a shitty friend to her now. What is wrong with me. I’m sure she’ll be happy that I am getting better but I hold resentment towards myself the expectations I have for myself are so high nothing I feel or do will ever feel enough.

I know her feelings will quietly linger because I’m just the same. Maybe we’ll explode soon.

I feel like a huge fight is approaching between us. It will sent me down a spiral and I know will for her too. I am so scared of things going wrong. I am so weak.

I no longer feel valid I feel like im just narcissist now who craves attention. A really insecure narcissist.

I feel different now, the change has or is happening right now. I want to go back all I do is cry now and feel so sorry for myself.

Truthfully I feel like I have nothing else to offer besides the way I look.

All I do is mope in my sadness and expect to be comforted like I am some puppy

In reality all my sadness stems from my mistakes, guilt, shame, and insecurities. I am a selfish person who thinks nothing can touch her. I don’t think I ever experienced no real consequence. I don’t think I have ever experienced a heavy loss besides what happen to me in late November. (a problem I asked for)

yeah things will work out in its own way but am I changing in the wrong way? am I changing for the better? why can’t it be the same as it was before with the both of them? Am I becoming a shitty person? Why can’t I be better? Why can’t I handle anything? Am I doomed?

jfc I’m so fucking dramatic I just wanna die

January was the closest I ever felt to being suicidal, I loved going to the beach everyday and wish i was there again in those moments.