#im told to stay and endure but I am fronted with inexplicable pain on my phone or in my life

[plnjrhsyt]

Last good night message

You made me love in the most inexplicable and sporadic way. I love you and I hate you both at the same time. There's no thin line between those. l did not expect you to this to me. I thought your love can go beyond the waters and winds of my storm. I thought I will never experience waking up and feeling my body, mind, and soul all paralyzed. It was a whole year of ups and downs. It was just a year, but, i swear, it wrecked all my senses and all my consciousness down. Do not get me wrong; I do not disregard all the times you made it to the eye of my storm. I do not forget the times you endured my rage because of my self-issues. Should I blame the timing then? That we met at the time when the skies and the stars and the moon do not align for us? Should I blame you then? For the times you told me you love me constantly when I was feeling it all differently? When I was seeing every love and interest from you deteriorate before my eyes? When I am seeing you getting all interested with another girl while staying committed to me? Love, your inconsistency killed the insides of me. And, love, my love for you stayed the same.

But you told me you love me and I feel otherwise. You told me you are as interested to me as before even if I feel otherwise. That’s the worst thing you did to me, love. You made me believe all the words from your mouth, and you do otherwise. You made my hopes all hyped then drag it down in front of my face. What’s worse than that is after all those dragging down and all those faking and lying, at the end of the day, I still find my self loving you in every way.

For some reasons, you stopped sending me long good night messages. Your eyes stopped dazzling as you look at me. You stopped writing me letters through your typewriter. You stopped mentioning and telling to all the worlds through you social networking accounts how I made you feel surreal when we see each other or even on the simplest things I do. You stopped looking at my pictures and wondering how you get me to love someone like you. There was also a time when you stopped talking to me. There were no stories to share. You stopped kissing me with trembling hands and a fast-beating heart.You stopped getting all too excited to see me. You stopped picking me up at PNU. You stopped telling me how much you love me so much while I sleep on your lap at Luneta. I stopped hearing the sincerity and the bliss from your i love yous. You started getting interested with another girl. And no matter how much I say that it hurts me to death to see you converse with her to the point where I had episodes of depression,you still continue it anyway. That is why I cannot remind you of the things you are doing to me before so that you can do it again to me because those are the things you did unknowingly and naturally when you still love me wholly and genuinely. There were a lot of things you stopped doing, and you didn’t stop all at once. You stoped doing those things one by one, which killed every piece and hope in me one by one, too.

I’m tired of getting all mad at you. I’m tired of the doubts and uncertainties you give me which kept me up all night. Im tired of cursing you and telling you how you are the worst person I met when it doesn’t change a thing-you’re still that guy who stopped loving me hard enough.. who stopped loving me deep enough. Nothing will change. There is not a thing I could do to change you and your ways. There is no dress I could wear to lure you and get you so madly in love with me again. There is no makeup I could wear that can make you look at me the same way you did during our first months of dating. I realized, this is not something I can control. It’s your job. And your actions are telling me all the truth: you have fallen out of love.

Should I blame you? Should I blame myself? What does blaming even do to make this better? Nothing. That’s why i want to apologize to you. For all the money you spent on me to pick me up at school, to eat with me, to drop me off the condo or the school. For all the sleepless nights you have when you still loved me the most. For all the hurtful words which kept you up all night and lowered your self-esteem. For all the times you have to accompany me to coffee shops just so I could finish my requirements. For all the times you spent your whole night trying to explain and clarify things just so you can win me back. For all the times you helped me revise the papers I needed to pass. For all the times you got jealous and uncomfortable with the guys I talked to. I swear, I never liked and loved anybody else during our relationship. It was always you. I’m sincerely sorry.

And, love, I will be lying if I tell you that I don't want this relationship anymore because the truth is that I will always long for this relationship. Yes, we do have a lot of disagreements and quarrels, but, surely, I will never forget the surreal moments we had. I will always want you like I always do. I wil always love you like I always do. But, you are destroying everything in me-my hopes, strength, courage, will, myself, dreams. And, yes, we have to stop now. There’s no turning back and we’re also never going to get back to each other again. You see, you have inflicted so much pain in me that I cannot help but carry it unwantedly and constantly on my sleeves everyday because it’s just so much for me to carry inside my heart.

Let me leave you. Let me leave you. And for the last time, let me love you until my heart ran out of love to give to you the way your heart did.