#im stuck in apathy and spend my days staring at screens in the hope that my mind wont go in bad places

[theonpilled]

x

[hiraethstill]

Hey hey hey!! Could I get KuroKen with Kuro helping Kenma through a panic attack or a depressive episode??

Unknown Number

Kenma could feel himself shaking long before he managed to find an empty stall. But the real panic only started to set in in full force as he slumped against the wall, sliding into a sitting position and wrapping his arms around his knees– shuddering, shallow breaths and the blurred lines of the stall door, the wall, the toilet next to him, the crush of anxiety on his chest forcing the air out of his lungs, disconnecting him from his surroundings. It seemed as though he was looking at everything through the wrong end of a smudged telescope, but even more sickening was the cold familiarity of the feeling.

It took him at least half an hour of using any method he could think of to calm down before he trusted himself to uncurl his body and sit upright. Blinking, he rubbed at his eyes weakly, willing them to focus on something, anything. They eventually landed on the inevitable graffiti covering the wall, trailing along the crude “Fuck this shit,” which he silently agreed with, a drawing of a penis, which he did not appreciate, and a few Your Mom jokes, which he didn’t bother to read fully. It was only when his eyes skimmed a small message near the bottom that he paused.

Aside from the elaborately drawn chemistry diagram, there were five words.

Ever just need a friend?

Right under the message was a number.

He stared at it for a long time, like if he touched it, it wouldn’t be real. Finally, his hands moved on their own, taking out his phone. The rational part of him told him that it was a complete stranger, might even be a practical joke. The rest of him was too done with being alone and terrified that it worked on its own, taking a blind leap of faith.

His fingers stopped over the call button, however. It would be much harder to call the person and hear their voice while having to respond with his own weak one. A text would be much easier, safer.

Exhaling slowly, he exited out of the current screen and opened the texting app instead. His fingers already seemed to have memorized the number, typing with quick efficiency until he pulled up a chat box for the unknown addressee. Before he could second-guess himself any further, he let himself go, typing out exactly what he was feeling, all the words he wanted to throw in his teachers’ and classmates’ faces but could never bring himself to voice aloud.

Kenma: yes, i need a friend. because im so damn tired of myself and my inadequacies but no one will listen farther than a few times including my parents and do you know how hard it is just to get out from under the blankets in the morning and know that no one will truly want to see you or ask how youre doing and youre too anxious and withdrawn to ‘just go out and talk to people’ which you absolutely hate but cant do anything about except retreat into your shell and socially regress every single day when all you want is for someone to just. listen.

He took a deep breath, realizing he’d been holding it the whole time, and let it out, sagging back against the wall and letting his head tilt back toward the ceiling. There was a strange sense of calm creeping in at the edges of his mind and chest, almost a sort of relief. The truth was out there now, at least with one person, and even if whomever it was blocked him or never replied, he felt lighter.

What he didn’t expect was the chime of his phone about a minute later.

Blinking, he tilted his head back down to the screen. A new message had popped up from the unknown number. And another.

Unknown Number: I’d be more than happy to listen

Unknown Number: Maybe we’re strangers, but you can talk to me, tell me how you’re doing, about your day - I’ll keep listening, or uh, reading, oops

Despite himself, Kenma found the corner of his mouth lifting in the ghost of a smile. Every part of him that felt dragged through the mud felt as if it were reaching out, trying to grasp onto something. It was strange how he was gravitating toward a chance at hope when everything was so hopeless. There was only one thing to say.

Kenma: thank you

**********

Kuroo knew to turn off his phone during class, or at least silence it so the teacher wouldn’t know. Recently, it had been more of the latter since his mom had been in the hospital and had no qualms about texting him at all times of the day.

So when he looked down at the silent notification, his eyes didn’t register that it had come from a different number at first. It was only when he saw the long paragraph that he paused. Instinct told him to look up at the teacher to make sure she wasn’t paying attention to him, and he subtly tilted his head down so he could scan the screen.

Something in his chest clenched, and he checked the sender’s information. Unknown. But this unknown had reached out to him. The person had no other option, and that tugged at him inexplicably.

He wanted to help.

Quickly, he typed out a reply one-handed, pretending with the other that he was taking notes, and sent another just in case. Then he went back to the chat box for his mother just in case the teacher decided to question him, heart picking up.

When he checked again, there was a short answer. Just two words.

Unknown Number: thank you

Kuroo smiled to himself. He’d made a difference, no matter how slight, and he knew that could mean the world.

Kuroo: No problem

Kuroo: Are you in class right now?

Immediately after he’d send it, he pursed his lips in distaste. He had no way of knowing how old the person was, much less if they attended school or not. He probably sounded like a fool.

Unknown Number: no

Unknown Number: dont worry about it, ill go to class or home soon

Kuroo: Ah, okay

Kuroo: Just wondering where you got my number

Unknown Number: werent you the one that wrote it on the bathroom wall

Oh. Oh. So it was a kid that went to this school. Kuroo had almost forgotten writing it out on the wall, but some vague memory resurfaced from the previous year involving a 2000 yen bet, a squirrel, and a certain bully’s underwear.

Kuroo: Right, I did, sorry

Kuroo: Glad it was put to good use

It took a while for the next response, enough to let Kuroo fill at least a third of the page with actual notes.

Unknown Number: i still can’t believe it

Kuroo: Believe what?

Unknown Number: that youre still here talking to me

Kuroo: You’re kind of stuck with me now (-u0)

Unknown Number: …youre a dork

Kuroo had to smile at that. It really wasn’t far off the mark, and he was pleasantly surprised at how perceptive this person seemed to be. Intrigued, even.

Kuroo: Can’t argue with that~

**********

The daily conversations became less about anxiety the longer they went on, and more about daily life. Even the silences were companionable, not oppressive like before, as Kenma slowly learned that the other person didn’t expect anything of him, didn’t silently demand what others did. He stuck to his phone longer, but now it wasn’t completely because he was withdrawing from others. Now he had something to look forward to - someone to look forward to - and it was a comfort in so many ways.

Unknown, which was what he’d dubbed the person, was smart, he knew that, and cared a lot about his mother. He was also confident, which Kenma envied slightly, being uncomfortable in his own skin. Or maybe Unknown had just stopped caring what others thought.

Either way, he found himself checking his phone constantly, and while he still had panic attacks, still couldn’t bring himself to talk to people, still let the negative thoughts creep in often, he had this Unknown, finally had a constant.

It was a few months before he checked his phone one morning to more of a decision than a message.

Unknown: Hey, I was wondering since we’re in the same school and all, would you like to meet? Totally fine if not, I don’t want to pressure you into anything

It took him a few minutes to completely register that message. Texting was one thing, but face-to-face interaction? He still got anxious whenever he even passed people in the hallway. How could he willingly…

He stopped, took a deep breath. What was he really scared of? Unknown had done so much for him, and here he was, scared of something so simple. In fact, if they could meet in person, it might be even better, for the both of them. They could actually spend time together in person, do all the normal things that friends did. Unconsciously, his fingers were already replying, typing out a quick affirmative and asking when and where. It didn’t take long to receive a reply and sort out the details.

Saturday. Only a few days away.

**********

It was only as he was pulling on an acceptable shirt on Saturday morning that Kuroo realized he had no idea what to look for. They hadn’t talked at all about how they looked, so he could completely pass by the other and not even know. Hurriedly, he sent a text.

Kuroo: What should I look for?

Unknown: ill sit at the table closest to the door with my psp

Kuroo: Okay, see you soon

Gathering his wallet and keys, he stood and made his way out the door and toward the train station. A short ride and a quick walk found him standing in front of the cafe. He didn’t hesitate as he pushed his way inside, immediately looking around.

There, with a PSP clutched in his hands and knees curled up to his chest, was a boy who couldn’t be much younger than himself, sitting at the closest table as he’d said he would. The hair spoke of laziness or just apathy, brown roots showing through the dyed blonde. Luminous amber eyes flicked up toward him, and seemed about to flick right back to his game, but Kuroo held them there as he stepped up to the table.

“Are you…?” he started, then stopped. The eyes seemed to grow even wider, blinking rapidly. “Are you okay?” he finished, coming to sit across from him.

The other nodded slowly and ducked his head, seeming to be trying to swallow. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft, uninflected.

“You’re… taller than I thought.”

Kuroo was slightly taken aback, but broke into a grin and took the seat across from him. “And you’re smaller than I thought, but hey, both are okay.”

The blonde paused his game and set it carefully on the table, looking up. “Your name…?”

“Kuroo Tetsurou.” He reached out with a hand slightly, but stopped himself. No contact, right. Instead, he settled for a smile.

The other’s voice seemed be softer and stronger all at once. “Kozume Kenma.” Kuroo was surprised when he reached across the table himself and touched his palm to the taller male’s in a sort of half-handshake.

“I’m…” Kenma hesitated. “Well, thank you for coming.”

“I’m the one that invited you,” Kuroo pointed out.

“Yeah, but…” Kenma shrugged, and Kuroo understood, he really did.

“Hey,” he said, softer. “It’s alright. I know.”

The immensely grateful look in Kenma’s eyes made it all worth it.

Just goes to show, sometimes I get extremely carried away. This was almost 2K on google docs, and first written on what was supposed to be scratch paper after state testing. Oops.