#im still collecting my thoughts on whether maddie/tara was a real person or was a manifestation of isabel's desire to confront her transness

[itslenagain]

Went to see I Saw the TV Glow with my girlfriend last night and cannot stop thinking about it (spoilers below cut)

The movie begins in the 90's and follows the life of a main character called Owen, a 7th grade kid who seems disconnected from the world. Owen meets Maddie, a 9th grader who is a fan of a TV show called "The Pink Opaque," which features Isabel and Tara, two girls who have a psychic connection to each other. Maddie convinces Owen to sneak out to watch the show with her. They develop a friendship over time as Maddie sneaks Owen tapes of the show. Owen watches the tapes over and over, becoming obsessed. Maddie disappears, and Owen moves through life, disconnected from everything except "The Pink Opaque." Several years pass, and Maddie reappears, now calling herself Tara. The lines of reality become blurry when she says that Owen has been put in a trance by a villain known as Mr. Melancholy. She reveals the show is real and that Owen is actually Isabel, and to be saved, Owen must be buried alive in order to reemerge as Isabel. Owen is faced with a difficult choice; to take the risk in order to become Isabel, or to turn away and leave "The Pink Opaque" behind.

I'll call her Isabel from this point forward, because despite her choice to turn away, she is a trans woman.

The pacing and structure of the movie felt bizarre, and I think this was intentional; dysphoria is being presented as something that affects your entire world. Dysphoria is not simply an internalized, individualistic concept, rather it bends and twists your entire perception of reality. Isabel comments on how time seems to move in strange ways. Even her favorite show, when she revisits it as an older adult, isn't the same as she remembers. A24 is known for movies that aren't afraid to get weird, and this one is no exception.

Watching her struggle to balance what she is feeling inside (which at the end is represented by her literally cutting her chest open to reveal "The Pink Opaque" inside her body) with her reality over time is heartbreaking. Her father, who only speaks 1 line ("Isn't that show for girls?") still manages to come across as harsh and inflexible. Her mother, who seems from their short interactions to be more concerned and possibly willing to help, dies when Isabel is a teen. Isabel is asexual and already feels othered by those around her in that way.

For me, the most devastating moment happens when Maddie/Tara returns to help Isabel escape Mr. Melancholy and become her true self. Isabel, clearly terrified, fights back and says, "If I don't think about it, it goes away." She runs from Tara and from burying Owen. Shortly after, she walks over a chalk drawing that says "There Is Still Time" as she talks about how badly she wanted Tara to come back and try to help her again... but Tara never does. The subsequent time skips show her trying to "do the right thing" by starting a family, getting a job, and forgetting about "The Pink Opaque..." but it never goes away.

It's surreal and incredibly uncomfortable, but the film portrays the trans experience in a way I have not experienced before, and I think it is an important piece of media. Isabel cannot escape her transness no matter how hard she tries. She can push it away, she can refuse to confront it, she can try to ignore it, but in the end, it's still there inside of her.