#im so upset abt it like. if i lived in a big city then it'd be one thing. but this is a small rural town. to have THAT big of a group??

[piplupod]

there was also a big group of anti-abortion protesters outside the hospital on the way home and I really wish there was something i could Do to piss them off or something but that'd just fuel them further. it feels so wrong to just Not do anything though ??? i would throw punches or something if I could, but - ... well maybe i Could actually bc the hospital IS right there when I inevitably get beat to a pulp because i cannot fight djdkdl

but that doesn't rly help anything probably and will only make them further cemented in their shit beliefs. so. idk. it just sucks when I walk past them every now and then to go to my hospital appts and I have to just pretend not to see them and ignore my spiking heartrate

[blackvail22]

whenever i think about this, it makes me incredibly angry that i cant respond to ppl abt this so im going to pretend that i am now lol

"why did she graduate early just to go into the work force? thats so pointless"

its not. think about it, i work to get more money to move to the college i want to go to out of state. i live there for a year to become that state's resident and get a lower tuition rate. you hang around fellow rich people... obviously i didnt expect you to see the struggles of those that go into debt each time we go on a vacation every 5 years. im not as fortunate as you are. you always got what you wanted when you wanted. you got a $70k car for your 16th birthday, and your friend got a $100k car for their first car. you go on trips every other week during the summertime... new york city, paris, bahamas, florida... i dont expect you to understand my struggle of going to college. maybe if our government actually helped poor people afford college i wouldnt have to work all the time to afford basic necessities and save up for college. it must be hard for you, too. you know, when we were in elementary school and you stopped being friends with me when you found out that im in the lower class. must have been the biggest betrayal. or in middle school when you would constantly ask me if me and my friends were dating just because i like all genders. or when you outted me in a girls locker room because you thought that i was a perv because i like women. it must be hard for you to think and empathize for others. you know, living like that isnt going to get you far, especially when you can't respect another race... saying a word that isnt yours, enforcing racist sterotypes against others. you know, i think about when you go to college and that video still existing... it'd be a shame if someone sent it to the school and got you kicked out shortly before you graduate. all that money you will owe and you dont even have a degree... it'd be a shame if his ableist comments got back to where he got a scholarship...

-

this next thing is about my school experience. it was a formal letter like youd read aloud at graduation and it turned into me just spewing out every last memory i could because i kept getting distracting trying to make it formal.

today is a special day for not only all the students here, but the parents and faculty as well. today marks the day many here never imagined happening, especially not so soon. let's take a trip down memory lane and recap our school years together

we all remember our first day of kindergarten. in a building that is now a memory, we would shyly sit in our seats at the beginning of the day. introducting ourselves, moving our lunch choices on the smartboard, reading corner, and of course, the behavior chart. we all remember our world crumbling when our color went from green to yellow and red. what seems so little now was so big then. an example that sticks out to me was when i got made fun of for my hello kitty backpack. i told my mom i needed a new one, and i used my dora the explorer one from preschool. i got made fun of even more. or, when i went to the principals office because the nurse said she couldn't help me with my upset stomach. i remember sitting in his office and him not believing me. he made a comment about the saying on my shirt and told me to go back to class. i ended up having to go home because i threw up.

first through third grade was a blur. i remember being made fun of by m.f. because i didnt know the difference between eyeliner and mascara and t.c. laughing at me for it. these are the years i really had a sense of community, seeing everyone hangout together and leave the "weird" people out. it truly made me feel welcome, and im so grateful for this.

when we moved to the new elementary building, i remember people saying it wasn't fair that i had to take the elevator because i wasn't able to take the stairs. i remember each time that i hurt my knee and had to take the elevator. everyone would say its unfair and its because im fat. i remember when there was a substitute one day in 5th grade and we were going to our "specials" class and i knew it was art because it said it on the classroom wall, so when i took the elevator, i went to the art room. i remember the substitute got upset with me because he insisted it was gym class because people in my class said so, and it made me incredibly anxious. i remember when i told him it was art, and he dragged me to the gymnasium just to find out i was right. i remember when i was talking to a classmate in the gym nd they made fun of me for the gap in my teeth and for my teeth being yellow. i remember that i had an anxiety attack and burst into tears because of how overwhelmed i was. i remember i had to stay in a different teachers classroom because the substitute wouldnt let me sit in my homeroom. i remember as i was sketching hearing the teachers in the hallway make fun of me for "having an anxiety attack" and laughing about it and not believing me. i remember right after that a teacher said "alright, i guess i'll check on her" and checked on me while trying not to laugh. i remember about a week or two later our seats were being changed in my science/social studies class. i told one of the classmates that made fun of my yellow teeth he's going to sit next to me... turns out he did. when we got to our seats it was next to the teachers desk. my classmate said "i knew i was going to sit here. [my name] told me so." and my teacher got mad at me because he thought i looked at the stuff on his desk (i didnt). i remember i didnt pay attention the rest of the class. i remember it made me so incredibly sad that i started to draw a piece of toast and a knife on a post-it note, making an analogy about how i wanted to die. i remember that teacher looked at me and asked "are you okay" and i responded with "its not like you care, anyway. why ask?" and he said "i do care." and i ignored him after that. i remember feeling so incredibly betrayed. he told my homeroom teacher and as my teacher walked to the elevator, he talked about how i shouldnt kill myself.

nothing felt worse except the entire school not believing how much i was struggling and no one really cared to help

i could truly go on and on and on about this but im getting so emotionally destroyed that i feel its best for me to stop here