#im so tired. my brain is exhausting. i wish it understood that if i slept for more than like 4hrs i could focus better

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[reyneclaw]

the two promises

in a home that had always been lively and full of warmth, the absence of one of the girls was more than just striking. it was an overwhelming pain, subdued, drowned under the conversation slowly breaking out, the clinking of forks on dishes and even the occasional shy smile, yet a pain still dominating the gathering. it was the absence of another that you couldn’t help noticing. her usual place at the corner of the table was now occupied by aunt maria, some fifteen years older and distinctly larger, so that your eyes registered something was not quite right before you were consciously aware of it.

- mom’s wondering what happened between you and alicia. is this really actually true? did she…? - yes, - his voice was dull and quiet, - yes, it’s true.

as laura was on the verge of a breakdown, and jaime didn’t want to leave her deal with it alone, both were sat on the bathroom floor, without turning on the light. the newborn animal brain, an instinct no more than a couple months old, had already established the firm connection. ‘safe here’, it muttered, ‘hiding place’.

- bastard - she whispered flatly, grabbing him by the shoulders. - you’re thinking of her now. - she leaned closer. - of her. concerned about her safety, probably, right? - listen, i don’t give a damn about her safety, not now, not when… - not in my house, right? not after you helped carry my.. my sister’s… she fell silent. he was stroking her tangled hair gently, thankful that the darkness wouldn’t let her see the tears silently rolling down his own face. - little one, - he said, struggling to find the words. - little one. it must be so hard, you’re too young to handle… it’s so unfair this should have happened to you… - it’s… unfair… to her - laura replied, sobbing wildly.

he held her while she splashed her face with cold water. - i wasn’t thinking of her. you brought up the name first. i don’t care. - liar, - she blurted out, and he knew it was a lie. - you slept with her.

let her talk, let her speak it out, he thought, it will make grieving easier, it might help her cope. there was no denying the obvious. let her talk about anything other than mayte. - i did. - and you dare touch me after that. come here offering help. you think it’s alright, do you? touching her coffin with these hands that have been…

laura never cared much about drinking, and her mother would rather die than let her anyway, but today was out of the ordinary. today, everyone had to do it. half a glass of cheap brandy they both smelled of now might have had too strong an effect on her. still, at that moment, she meant everything she was saying. - no. i only thought you do need help right now. i’m sorry, little one.

her words failed to hurt jaime as badly as she intended. he was in fact barely aware of what she meant, with the image of what laura had seen, what they had done to the little girl who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, if you assume there can ever be the right place and time for an air raid, standing before his eyes. he knew, he didn’t need to see it, and he made no effort to stop crying. let it heal. crying will help even if a little bit. not only him but everyone in the family. - you’ve got a nosebleed. - whatever. - maybe she shouldn’t have brought up that, about where his hands could have been, but she’d say anything to hurt him. and her. and anyone within reach who deserved her anger. someone tapped at the door. - moment, - he said, as he helped her up. - what are you two doing in here? why are you bleeding? - nothing - laura replied impatiently, - nothing serious, imma go put some ice on it.

then, she took him by the elbow and led him out of the crowded kitchen, attempting to do it as inconspiciously as possible. - what if i just tell on her? if i make sure it gets known widely? you do realize i can do that, right? saying this while holding an ice pack up to her nose looked like something from a nightmare. - you won't. - why? are you gonna stop me? no. - thoughts raced through his mind. because it's not the right time. because it's his and only his problem and he wants laura's nose out of it. because she must know to be better than someone she wants revenge on. all wrong, all weak, stupid and unconvincing.

- i just ask you to forget alicia ever existed. please. please don't tell anyone, don't start it, your first priority now is to care for yourself and your mom, you don't want to get involved with all of this... - you will remember her tho. - she said thoughtfully. - her, but not mayte. you fake.. you're only here to show off how nice and caring you are, what a good catholic you are - she spat out the word - while all you care about is this, this woman. how could you even fuck her, knowing she is... laura didn't finish as she was panting for breath. - quiet. - at this point, he'd had more than enough. - just tell me. will you keep silent or...? yes or no?

they looked each other in the eyes. sat on a couch cluttered with wrinkled clothes, her, still holding the ice pack tight to her nose, and him, looking at least a head taller, thin lips quivering, his face swollen and wet with tears.

- i won't tell anyone. ever. i promise. you can relax, from this moment on, i've never heard of her. but. i don't want any of your help or support either. we don't want it. we're gonna be fine. i don't want to see you ever again, or to have anything in common with you or your... she's not mine, he wanted to yell. not anymore. - understood. i'm sorry, lau. i wish you strength. - i wish you'd get lost.

he left discreetly, without saying goodbye. a thin crescent moon rising in the evening sky followed him home. she felt nothing but exhaustion and emptiness. as she went to give her grandpa a hug - had a row? he asked compassionately. she nodded. - it’s bad luck when rows happen at funerals, but it won’t last long. he’ll come back. - i don’t want him to. she felt tired. so tired it sounded like a statement of fact and nothing more.  - shh. i think you’ll reconsider that later. it doesn’t matter who’s right who’s wrong, we all need each other now, especially now. you’d lose a friend if you shut the door in his face. he’s a good guy, he’s got his heart in the right place. try to sleep tonight, will you, take care.  somehow, the world started slowly, piece by piece, coming back together. excruciatingly slowly. but the suggestion she needed to sleep, from an insult, turned into a truth. maybe he’s right about jaime too. heart in the right place. if only it didn’t belong... she’d think about that tomorrow, though, or even better, never at all. after all, she promised. maybe he’s right in knowing, despite never explicitly saying, that mayte is... at least, free from suffering. while her own way only just begins. her thoughts were jumbled. - grandpa? he looked at her questioningly, raising an eyebrow. - thank you. i will take care, you’ll see. i gotta live for both of us now, im not gonna give up, i will live for her, everything she didn’t get to do, in this world, everything she dreamed of... i promise.