#im so stressed I barely understand how to solve these and i don't have anyone I can ask

[watery-melon-baller]

lads it's so fucking frustrating when you desperately want to learn and understand something but u just can't fucking get ir

[kewltie]

Hello! I stumbled across your short stories recently on ao3. And I have to say, you are a gifted storyteller. I don't mean to be rude here, and forgive me if I am overstepping my boundaries, but have you ever thought of getting someone to beta your work? Although your stories themselves are well thought out and creative, I think if you had a beta they could catch little mistakes (grammar, spelling) to make your works more polished and even more amazing!

hi anon!!!

i thought a lot about how i can formulate a reply to this ask so it doesn’t sound 1) unappreciative 2) rude af 3) or that i don’t care bc i can see you were very careful and concern about upsetting me and i really do appreciate you going out of your way to give me advice!!! that’s very kind of you, thank you!!!! but honestly getting a beta is not a priority to me. it’s actually something i rarely or at all consider and not bc i dont recognized my own weakness (grammar is my BIGGEST WEAKNESS IN MY WRITING) but mainly it’s bc i dont have time and patience to have a beta reader. 

my work schedule is hectic and sporadic at best plus i have school so i find time in the weirdest hours to write. this mean writing into the late morning at 3-5am and occasionally pulling an all nighter to finish a fic or im writing just before work (like literally i HAVE been tardy so many times to work BC IM POSTING A FIC RIGHT THE FUCK NOW). when i finish something i immediately do a quick read through for errors but when you read something a hundred times before it’s hard to see it with fresh eyes before it go live. and i always post it right away just after i finished it bc i want to get it out of my life (lmao). SO yea i can’t imagine having a beta reader at all when im pretty much writing and pushing it out live as i go. also bc writing is a solo grind for me bc any problem i run into and anything i can’t figure out i just grind the fuck out of it until i solve it bc of my inability to ask for help and i am just socially awkward and terribly shy with ppl to ya know approach them about it. 

and my whole history with the english language is uh terrible (i get really sensitive when ppl point out im not a native speaker) bc it’s my fav subject (next to history!!) but during school i moved from esl classes to english honors and then back to els again constantly bc i love talking about theme, nuance, and breaking down the books we were assigned but IM SO TERRIBLE at getting my thought across in essay format and my grammar was so atrocious that i get c/d often bc i never care about writing or learn how to do it. IT’S THE STORY that matter to me more which is why i read a ton of shit and when you said im a gifted storyteller that made my day bc i loooooooooooooove telling stories the most (it’s the core of who i am) and writing is the consequence of that not bc i uh actually love writing from the beginning (i may love writing but not THEN). i had so many stories to tell but how do i tell it??? YOU WRITE IT ofc. so yea, i write only bc i have stories i want to put down and i spent years and years running away from it bc i always been weak at the most basic grammar and syntax that make up the bare bones of the english language and my fear kept me from writing, from telling the stories i want to tell. 

in the end it took kpop fandom and A DUDE NAME LEE DONGHAE to finally kicked that fear in the ass and i started to write. and i told myself back six (??) years ago that i would only write for myself and not for anything/anyone else so yea im aware of my weakness but im not looking to like impress anyone or stand out with my writing bc in the end if that’s not what i want than i dont really want to pursue it. writing is a hobby and it’s hobby that uh constantly stress me out (lol) so i really dont want add anything else to on top of that. like i understand having a beta reader would be nice to catch my mistakes and make it more readable for everyone (though i do try to do my best with proofreading but IM SO BAD AT IT) but im not really looking for self improvement on that front and my self-esteem is too fragile for me to trust anyone with it (i get hurt really, REALLY easily so i try not to put myself out there as possible) lol /o\. since 99% of my writing is just a hobby so i dont really care what other ppl think unless i really FUCKED up on something content wise but if im writing for a fest/exchange/fandom event thing im more careful about it and i think i would get a beta reader just bc im writing for someone else or for the fandom to consume like this writing bkdk fest i signed up for. i think im going to get a beta reader for it… but we’lll see if i chicken out or not lol. 

ANYWAY tl;dr i really do appreciate your advice!!!!! but i can’t commit to a beta reader right now bc of time, energy, self-esteem issue, and weird af schedule but i’ll keep that in mind for more serious future projects. thank you!!!!!