#im seeing some people saying it's cheap it's literally the greatest thing ever. ok so you want a pope who doubts you want a pope who is not

[vriendenboekjes]

all the conclave jokes are fun but man it's genuinely such a good and genuine film exploring faith and doubt and how to exist in between them just genuinely so so good to me. i will defend that ending to my dying days idc

[postcards-to-home]

Split Seconds: 2019

Amongst the dozen or so strangers around me I sit nuzzled between rows 6 &8. Philly lies some 10,000 feet below. The engine purrs softly with each flutter my eyes drift effortlessly towards stillness under the perpetuating night sky.

In dreams I see the faces of those I’ve met haphazardly in my travels. The students I bond with over memories of cheap wine and late-night thrills at Manly corso; the elderly who sit and chat with me about their grandchildren and medical procedures; even the uber drivers who share their love affairs found from words with friends. It’s the everything in-between crisscrossing the unconscious mind.

My new life I remind myself is in constant motion and so must I be. Zig-zaging terminals I curse under my breathe, praying to the lord for an on time departure. With my best friend in tow, my dingy gray suitcase, my day is a constant uphill battle of avoiding my ankles and slow-poke people.  A love affair in the constant throws of “F*ck my life,” & “ I have the greatest job of all time,” (said no one ever).

Mentally I was trained for this. Laughably this entire year I have captured a total of 3 weeks combined training from the two firms I have been employed by- and I can say I think I’m doing A-ok. My 1st job out of college I learned its okay to decide if something is or isn’t right for you. Its 100% okay to move on too- and fast, if a better opportunity arises. It also taught me the value of obtaining strong leader figures in the office. Not necessarily how to be a manager but how to observe what works, how to engage with others effectively and ultimately how not too.

Mistakes are inevitable.

On my very 1st business trip to Hunt Valley, Maryland for whatever reason a conversation was provoked among an older gentleman and I and we chatted the entire way. Come to find out this sharp older gentleman was once the CEO of a hospital in the capital district; a professor at USC and was heading south to see family. The value from this conversation will always be intangible. It was  the 1st time in my professional life I was able to speak not only about who I am as a person, But I  had someone engage in a conversation with me for no other reason than pure interest, and in a non- creepy way. We spoke of antiques, my on again/off again ebay career and content of college curriculum. He explained he managed a young Entrepreneurs group on campus and worked with students to gain shareholders in their startups.

Before we departed ways he said , “Thank you for the lovely chat, I feel deeply that you will be successful one day with whatever you choose to do. You should feel really proud of yourself with hat you’ve accomplished.” (Paraphrased)

It was his words that propelled me into an orbit of motion, setting what would be the tone for the year. In that moment I etched realization into my mind that my abilities generate power I never was aware I held. There was my small voice-heard and admired. Channeling it to engage the right audience became possible after that.

I left my 1st job after just 6 months. Without any regrets.  I sincerely miss mid-day banter with some of my co-workers, but thankfully we still stay in touch.

The road leading to my departure was a rocky one. Still living at home, thankful for my parents gratitude and safe haven I couldn’t help but feel left out of the mix from my peers. While they rounded of  their senior years I was strapped to a desk sifting through excel spreadsheets. In no way did I ever want to back track into the college scene, making money is and always will be exciting. But doing what I was doing, well not so much.

I accepted a position as a Regional Manager for the institution I studied abroad at as many of you have recognized. I am sincerely thankful for the support received throughout this half of my journey this year. I travel, I meet with students both future and former, I do paper work sporadically and I idle at my desk when necessary. It has forced me to both think outside of the box as well as use my voice as the ultimate creative outlet and driving force for success. My soundboard-everchanging day to day.

Through my position I’ve managed to make student’s dreams come true a reward I’ll never take lightly. Its become my daily excitement to hear from students their own excitement about their journey ahead, even having the smallest footprint on their pathway to success has become gratifying in its own respects. Then there are my travels, though sporadic they have led me to meet old friends from my own time studying abroad and new friends alike.

The entire essence of meeting people has opened doorways never thought possible. The most delightful part of 2019 has been meeting others and hearing their own words of insight and stories they too long to share. Spending more time than intended on park benches with near strangers discussing their time in an indigenous tribe in brazil is just scratching the surface of my amusement. It’s a small victory for the once shyest little girl ever.

As I write this it has been 1 full year to the day since I have graduated. In that small span of time I celebrated the New Year in Iceland with two of the most important people in my life, Nick & Jay. We managed to survive Iceland in January, watch the fireworks at Hallgrímskirkja church on New Year’s Eve and not throttle each other after every petty argument, including the 20 minute screaming match that included phrases with “fiber one brownies” and “stupid , useless bitches.”

And then there was Australia. After visiting for the first time in a year in a half my heart felt fully mended. The winters chill couldn’t hold me from breakfast by the beach or wearing my heels to dinner with friends. Being reunited with people who changed my sense of self left that full circle feeling. Yes, quite literally I could have floated into the sun. That is until I had to venture home yet again and my whole world felt displaced yet again. I will live here one day I said outloud, despite what my dad whispers to my mom, “that will never happen.”

Even jay, My bestfriend came to Oz and fell in love with my world.Our trip in November couldn’t have been anymore magical. We soaked in the sun on the beaches of Noosa heads, swam in exotic Tea Tree Lake feeling rejuvenated and watched the sunrise at the Sydney Opera House. Skipping through the Royal Botanical gardens smelling flowers I knew life was grand. Nicole Reine was the Queen on the moment, just like my name says. To have jay wander through the castle I lived and Worked in let nothing but utter giddiness in me. Christmas came early and we couldn’t have enjoyed ourselves more. I will live here one day, felt firmer.

Some of my favorite moments were those sitting in the shed with loved ones after their returns from long journeys: Nick, Tommy, Grace and Emily. We all sat and shared stories from far away places as our minds melted to mush, the sun setting lower in the sky and the colors over Willard mountain fizzled from golden hues to cooling colors of the night sky. The small talks lingered near the kitchen table not on or next to but just around, the dogs lied close by, fading to sleep on the hard wood floors mom never could keep quite clean. It’s the comings and going that are hard to keep up with. But those moments always end as quickly as they come.

It’s a strange thing to realize the moment you leave your childhood home it will never be exactly how you left it. The stars you won at an arcade in Myrtle beach and hung on your ceiling will eventually come down. The color of your walls once chosen with excitement, will be painted over with fresh shades of cream your mother likes. And the emptiness of what once was but never will be, will swallow you whole. I realized this sad feeling creep up as I lay on my empty bedroom floor with my mom and dad huddled tightly around a pile of buttons. Not justa a pile but a ginormous, 40 pound pile of buttons once held safely in their jug, now shattered sharply amongst us. That’s what happens when you leave. Everything shifts, and somethings just can’t handle that. But I sure am sad about that jug of buttons, it was a lifetime labor of love collecting them.

There’s no jug of Buttons in our house on Center Street and im beginning to feel okay with that. Gramma’s blue oriental rug keeps our living room feeling nice and cozy. A small reminder she would have adored the space Jay and I call home.I can almost picture her now tinkering with my knick-knacks on the shelves, just ever so slightly so we wouldn’t notice. Marissa comes and goes as she pleases and the porch never does stay dirt free. I now see why mom’s kitchen floors never could stay clean. Its not Herrington Road but I’ll take it