#im scared if they make me do that low i'll do something i cant take back

[nexttothelamp]

...

[aw-tysm]

i see people talk about "low support needs" autistics all the time but ive never seen any actual agreement on who falls under that category and im not really comfortable with how willing everyone is to assign that label to strangers on the internet.

ive had a lot of people tell me im obviously low support needs because im not diagnosed, but the reason im not diagnosed is because of medical discrimination. my results were "an autism diagnosis would be applicable for how you scored but we think you lied about your symptoms so we arent diagnosing you."

and ive had people argue that im obviously low support needs because i dont have a caregiver but i dont have a caregiver because im not diagnosed because of medical discrimination? i am still totally reliant on my loved ones for survival. i just dont have an actual official caregiver because i am being severely medically neglected.

it just feels like the conversation around autism is being dominated exclusively by heavily medicalized autistic people and that scares me because some of the most vulnerable autistic people are those who never get diagnosed because of medical discrimination.

and like. the way everyone talks about masking makes me uncomfortable because everyone acts like they all know what "masking" is but everything i hear about it makes me more confused and upset. people keep talking about it like its some special ability that makes you less vulnerable and that makes me feel like i cant possibly be masking then because i am not less vulnerable.

i just. i have brain damage and supposedly "mid/high" support needs autistics on here keep literally calling me retarded because i dont agree with them calling me "low support needs" and so im just. wary of treating these labels as gospel.

it feels like there is literally no room in the autism community for those of us who are anti-psych because of trauma with the medical system. i dont even want a diagnosis anymore, theyre going to use it to strip away my autonomy even more. and that makes me too scared to feel safe around other autistic people.

i want to keep following you but im starting to not feel safe because you say a lot of the same things as the people who mock me for not wanting to be called "low support needs" when im. literally not?

I'm not sure how to answer this ask or even if I should answer this ask. But I'll answer it anyways.

Support needs and levels (depending where you are) for autism specifically, are usually determined by professionals. Not from the individual. There is no set standard across the globe for diagnosing these and it is one of the things a lot of us autistics find very frustrating. These can fluctuate over your life time but not on a daily basis. In the sense that general support needs for everyone can fluctuate on a daily basis, but autism support needs/levels aren't based on that.

I do know that you can use support need labels for other disabilities too. But that's not something I'm too knowledgable on to speak on.

Masking is essentially just your ability to fit in, to camouflage, to appear socially appropriate. It usually invloves holding back stimming, using scripting for conversations, trying to make eye contact, matching facial and body expressions, matching tone of voice appropriately to the conversation, trying to match emotions appropriately to the situation like laughing when others laugh. It's literally about appearing socially appropriate whilst holding back the things we naturally do that aren't considered "appropriate".

A caregiver does not have to be someone that is paid to care for you. A caregiver in a lot of cases can also just be a loved one like a parent. For example, my mum takes me to my appointments, she drives me other places like shops or outings, she speaks up on my behalf when I can't speak or when I don't unerstand things, she is an authority on all my accounts so she can deal with the parts I find difficult, she helps me fill out forms, etc.. She is considered a caregiver and does not get paid for it. So I'm not quite sure what you're talking about there.

You mention that you have brain damage? Is that diagnosed? Brain damage can look a lot like autism but not be autism. Sometimes autism can be misdiagnosed when it's actually brain damage (have a person in my life who has this issue currently). And sure you can have both. But I mention it, because if the kind you have has the ability to mimic autism symptoms and you're already diagnosed with that, can you not get help with some of that at least? This also is included in support needs for disability too? Bcus it's still a disability? I'm not entirely sure on how the processes work around that so my questions here are genuine.

A lot of the autism community is dominated by the voices of lower support needs autistics. The kind of autistics who don't believe autism is a disorder, that it's only a difference. Who think that only societal accommodations are what we need. Who don't believe in severity. Who want to de-medicalise autism. Who are heavily spreading around misinformation. Who are literally biting themselves in their own butts due to this.

And then higher support needs autistics have to step up to try and set things right. A lot of us aren't one model over the others (like social vs medical). A lot of us believe many models need to work together in tandem to help autistics get the best kinds of supports and treatments we need. But we still need the medical model in this. We can't scrap one model over another.

A lot of higher support needs autistics are CONSTANTLY fighting for lower support needs autistics. Who are constantly saying that they ALSO NEED help and support. That they deserve to have that help and support. They're constantly reminding lower support needs autistics that they will still have struggles and that's okay. But it is so important to also acknowledge that there is a spectrum and there is severity in the spectrum where some autistics will need far more support and to a greater extent than other autistics (for autism alone even), and that's also okay.

You say that the conversation around autism is "dominated by heavily medicalized autistic people". But it's not? What you're seeing is autistics trying to speak up for ourselves because there's a big portion of the community that is causing more harm than good.

And heavily medicalised autistics? Are you referring to those who didn't have a choice in diagnosis? Those of us who had no choice but to get diagnosis because if we didn't we'd be far worse off? Those of us who are forced to give up some of our autonomy or rights due to the accommodations and supports a diagnosis gives far outweighing the cons of diagnosis?

And this isn't to invalidate those who are really struggling to get diagnosis. That is a whole thing a lot of us want fixed as well. A lot of us want easier and cheaper access to diagnosis. Easier and cheaper access to accommodations and support. We want standardised testing across the world and we want professionals to be up to date and properly trained. Most of us acknolwedge that these things are a big problem.

And if this ask is more in reference from that post I made about masking? I like to make note of struggles that lower support needs autistics can also face. As it is so incredibly important to know that they are still seen, that their struggles are valid, and that there's nothing wrong with them just because some online autistics are trying to push them out of their level/support needs.

I'm literally not claiming the support needs or levels of others? Or at least I don't think I am? So I'm not even sure what this ask is about. All I want is for others to know that they're not broken or invisible and that there struggles are valid even within the support needs/levels they have. That's literally not a bad thing?

I hope this makes sense. I know sometimes I can get all my thoughts muddled up or I might not say something the way I mean.

[wewfimapuppie]

idk if i am protecting myself in any way here. but this is my final log.

i am going to have to take the message at face value. i saw the wkrd frighgebed and scared and idk how he perceived what i was doing. i felt like fuck it yknow i might be wrong but this is how its going for me. i felt it was the best thing to do? idk i def said weird shit.

theres no way around it this time. i went manic. i lost my shit. i imagined all that. i scared him.

to me it felt so real dude. so real. it felt like crazg things were happening to me. and i dont have a good support system so idk haha. i hated taking pills. i felt so awful. so i just wanna rely on God for now. and therapy. i'll find a way.

i'll also lay low. wear a black face mask. sunglasses. black beanie. on my way to work and way out. no one will know its me. i'll change and wear a dif sweater and bring a dif jacket yknow i even wanna dye my tips orange like. i feel so embarrassed and i dont wanna see him or have amyone that knows see me. im hiding. im scared. im disappearing. i will just work, head to Tijuana, get uber eats on fridays and some white claws or adjacent when we get comfy. and we dont talk to anyone except maricruz and our coworkwers yknow. stay vigiliant. i rather you dont talk to anyone anymore. we can make friends some other way.

i rather we focus on paying off our debt. and we drop this. we are at a point where we are questioning a text he sent us. we cant do that......

i rather like i said, we lay low, no attention towards ourselves and we wear a mask and domt do shows we are an online act idk. i wanted to be like yahoo lets do shkws z and this happened instead? i went manic? so idk i need to just dont interact w ppl like natasha i look stupid and crazy i have no supplrt to tell me um this is mania.

i can still paint, i can still sell, i can still make music even. but i cant expand or be public in san diego nah nope. i dont ever wanna see him or anyone. this is embarrassssing dude.

lets jjst keep it simple. food. paint. youtube. spotify. cookies and weed. some alcohol. lets just chill yknow? like back to the status quo? but this time we start fresh i guess. but for rn i rather be alone lmao. i feel cringe.

hopefully i can just focus on the job and getting my life together. thats all i can do. ni modo yknow? what else can i do? stay stuck on this? lets just move on. and focus on keeping ourselves afloat. safe. we will be okay. i still want to pray.

the last thing i'll say though is idk why he said that he blocked me bc i sent him noods when

1. he hearted them

2. he djdnt blkck me

3. i blocked him that time

4. i didnt sent him noods this time?

also i specifically have not mentioned his name jjst ryan and my complaints are like... justified?

so my theories on that is...

1. that... wasnt him...

2. he is like.... a psychopath and it isnt even me!! to twist it. make me feel like i went crazy??

3. hes saying a lie to cover why he really blocked me and its i seem crazy.

its just weird he said 2 wrong things. that i ever falked shit abt him and that i sent nudes now kr that he bloxked me when i did it 3 years ago? like he has reason to say jt was fhe Gkd stuff....

he also just ignored anything i said. about the holy ghost stuff. he didnt talk about God at all. the message was like in broken english it was weird. maybe he was scared? but why say a lie ljke that? when i felt its either im crazy or im...on to something. .

and why did he unblock me at all? to warn me or settle it? its still weird to ignore my one accusation. bro. whats with the staring.

but idk its weird like its enough where theyd know what happened. the email. the calling. ryan. the other subtle ways of contact.

so idk i think he couldnt say its bc you seem crazy and he gave you that reason as to why he blocked you even if it doesnt make sense. eventually we're gonna have to accept this is his response. idk abt what he knows abt me and ryan but i know he knows that unsolicited nudes thing is whack bc be liked them and he never blocked me i blocked him... so wtf.

i hate that this wasnt to me, a proper response. like ok i was frightening shit. but wait ur saying u blocked me? nah u blocked me now. no njdes. so idk what to make of this response. to believe it? theres an incorrect factoid.... that isnt it. so shit what now? now that is what will drive me crazy is saying that shit when that didnt happen.

thags what makes me think maybe he was a... cooky guy. bc hes lying. hes manipulating the situation. he didnt explaim himself. just said i was scary and a lie.

idk what it is at this point. him. me? what are the next steps? well... i rather we pretend it didnt happen. im never contacting him or seeing him. im leaving him alone. i dont want to make it worse. i can find "normal" love like tanner. no celestial shit. just hey we fit.... i wish it was normal. i'll pray for it.

but we forget him Riv.... he's gone. whatever it is you thought... his response, whether you believe it or not, could be his real response. and theres signs that your perspective is skewed. and this is it.

i know the nudes thjng sticks out to you Riv. but what are you supposed to do with that suspicion? i cant go see him and be like "was that really you?" like shiiiit no. so now what?

that is why i wanna tell you this; i need to feed you and pay your debt so im getting u a job. but i will also tell you this; if its meant to be it will be. if that isnt him, the real him will appear. but if not, you have more to live for

so. we forget any of this ever happened. we are in incognito mode. we keep it chill. focus on your mental health.

start working. start forgetting. get good at hiding. keep it simple. we can walk away from this bruv. who says we need to acknlowledge this happened? im dropping thjs. even the lie. it could be a cover up to a harsher feeling. we was nice enough to wish me good health....

i will be w say sd and just surviving. this is my last zane log tbh. for my safety and wellbeing.

[salaciousslut]

I love hearing what other ppl like so please do!! I also like R&B a lot i just forgot to mention it when i was talking abt genres i like earlier bc i was too focused on rap 🤭 and im the same way tbh! Unless im a real big fan of an artist i'll wait a while, but sometimes like with Paramore's After Laughter i couldnt stand to accept the sound change so i waited a year to listen to it 🫣

I'm going out in an hour or two and im probably not gonna drink till i get back home late. Im always DD since i live the furthest. I wish you could come out with me and my friends i feel like you'd have fun with us. But my friends usually get crossfaded with me bc i always bring some weed. im ok to drive when its worn off a bit im safe i promise 🫣 but i drop everyone off so im used to getting home late a lot. I wish i could hear you giggling i bet you have a cute laugh sweetheart<3 i bet youre really fun to be around when you're drunk<3

I do the same but im trying to get back into better habits like journaling, like sometimes i just cant cry because ive bottled everything up for so long. So i very much urge ppl to cry when they can because its not a great feeling not being able to cry when you need to cry. Like even if its small, cry about it its fine. Its human to feel the full spectrum of emotion.

I forgot what voice i used for my character but i think it was some generic dude voice, i have been a little out of practice with my deeper voices though. But my voice is usually pretty deep anyway, i pitch my voice up a bit when im at work bc i dont want to scare the old timers too much. I hate to admit that my favorite voices to try to do are meatwad from aqua teen hunger force and stitch, theyre like the same voice to me 🤭 i do it for funsies, but in my teen years i did it a lot bc my friends gave me approval for it 🤭

Soo maybe i might budget to get my hands on those perfumes ☺️ i'd like to know what your favorite perfumes smelled like on first hand bases. This is a second best, best would be smelling it on your neck<3 theres a certain cologne i fell in love with years go that ive been trying to get my hands on, its polo red by ralph lauren it had smelled so wonderful to me.

Candles are a lot to take care of so i get it. I just have two main rules i follow for the life of my candle and the safety of my cats. Im the type of person where if i see soot in your candles i try to clean that out to lessen fire risk bc they can be dangerous, its something ppl never notice but thats ok i just want them to be safe. I used to play with the wax like that too!! It low key led to me trying to experiment a little with wax play which was interesting to say the least.

You really are an adorable little puppy<3 its nice to know i was right about thinking you were shorter than me<3 i like short girls, tall girls are nice but short girls are better<3 esp when theyre a little older than me🤭 also ironically i dont own anything royal purple but maybe one day!

oooh i love r&b!! one of my close friends loves it too and will always rec me songs!! and honestly thats sooo fair about waiting to listen to paramore i was the same way!

im always dd too!! just bc i wanna make sure my friends are safe!! bc we all live in the same apartment complex but i know what u mean! i also just like taking care of my friends as u know! im very much rather drink at home bc its my lil safe space! but if im with people i trust, then i like to let loose. plus i wanna lose my inhibitions with you! ill be such a cute lap pet while u and ur friends are drinking and having fun!!

omg i have trouble crying too!! i call it my emotional constipation so ill put on a sad movie to try and cry!! but yes, heres to us trying to me more in tune with our emotions!!

hehe cute cute cute i wanna hear now!! i think i also have a pretty deep voice so i bet we would sound amazing together!! also hehe stitch i love it!! i bet u sound sooo cute

oh trust me, i plan going to bbw soon and smelling you 🫣🥰 and omg i love polo red!! it smells sooo yummy

i started using a candle warmer rather than lighting my candles bc i got scared of the soot, and i know ur not suppose to keep candles lit for a long time but i love the smell so much!! and yes i love wax play. this is kinda embarrassing but i was doing wax play for someone and he had the audacity to get made at me bc i was moaning and enjoying it rather than in pain. smh just let me enjoy the warm feeling on my skin ya know?

i loveeeee being just a lil shorter, tall people kinda intimidate me at first but ur the perfect height!! hehe lets cuddle bc im sooo touch starved and lazy and in a cuddly mood rn. and omg how old are u??

[ghosty1111]

mental illness kicked in and i remembered da reblog button existed and that blogs true purposes are meant to be archives of the individuals self + joys + general things they want archived and the internet should be a place where your internal self should allowed to be on display without the influence of others amen 🙆‍♀️🤸‍♀️

[dog-teeth]

is there anything you wish you had known before starting T? are there any effects that you dislike? sorry if this is too personal, i'm just trying to make sure i'm making a good decision. i'm agender but i want to present more masc but i'm scared that i'll end up hating the effects of T even though there are some things that i really really want from it. also, i love your art!

no worries im honestly fine with talking about almost all transition/gender related stuff! im gonna talk (p non-explicitly) about sex and body stuff so i’ll put this under the cut

there aren’t any effects i dislike. when i started there were things that i was very nervous for because i thought i would hate them but ended up loving them. i prefer almost everything i experience on hrt, or i don’t care about it, so for example i LOVE my voice now & i love the way T makes me feel emotionally (both physiologically and psychologically), but i don’t care about having facial hair because i always shave it but it’s not that much of a hassle and sometimes stubble is cute. i don’t care for the body hair either bc i was already basically as hairy as a cis man pre-T, i even liked my old leg hair better because the texture was less coarse. the only thing i like better not on T is sexual sensations, but honestly i dont have sex so it doesn’t matter lol. i was v scared for bottom growth and was certain i would hate it but it actually rules i love it (i don’t love that i need like three times as much lube now tho cuz ur ability to naturally lubricate goes way down) also this was one of the most uncomfortable changes at first cuz it makes the clit very tender and sensitive and it will rub against your underwear and be really uncomfy with friction, so make sure u have soft underwear and loose pants. sorry for talking about my genitalia but tbh there is nowhere near enough information about trans bodies and its one of the least discussed aspects of hrt.

however, i was not always this content with taking T! it was a rocky start! there’s nothing that bothers me now, but when i was first starting, a lot bothered me. i was SO sweaty for NO reason, my voice HONKED like a third of the time i opened my mouth, i was VERY ANGRY very quickly, and i was so so hungry!!! snacking forever!! all of these things mellowed out over the first few months, i’m back to not sweating very much and being able to speak like a human person and my anger is actually significantly more manageable than it was pre-T because it comes and goes easily which means i no longer fester deep frustration and anger all the time. i think my appetite leveled out but it’s still higher than before, i gained a couple pounds but it wasn’t a lot.

i don’t want to pressure or sway anyones decision to take hrt, but i would say that your body and mind are so very capable of adapting to new things & even if you end up not liking some parts of hrt you will be able to deal with them and move on, and most of the things that are nerve-wracking end up being fine. its super super scary to try taking hrt since so much is permanent changes to your body. but you can always take a low dose to make the changes happen slower, and like i said you get used to things way easier than you think you will.

i was really really really scared and uncertain when i started T, but i’m so glad i made the jump to do it! i could never have imagined how much it would improve my life! there were so many things i was terrified of - doing irreparable “damage” to my body, regretting it, being read as male, certain specific physical effects, etc. i also didn’t know anybody irl who took T, just my beautiful lovely trans woman friend who started E years ago while we were friends, so seeing her go through the process inspired me a lot. we r both so sexy now like we were sexy before but honestly hrt has made us unstoppable & i love it for us. i definitely couldn’t have done it without her support. i’m getting off track, my point was that i didn’t know anybody on T so i couldn’t see firsthand what it was like, i was basically my own experiment, and it was so scary. but eventually i reached the mindset of “i’m so fucking miserable and something needs to change and i’m not 100% certain it’s this but i need to try because i can’t spend the rest of my life wondering about it and if i do end up hating it i’ll just fucking deal with it from there” i would def recommend being more certain than i was but i do think theres a lot about hrt you just wont know how youll react to until it happens. above all my fears, i just wanted it, and all my fears were very surface-level (what if i hate my body [i already hate my body] what if i hate how people percieve me [i already hate how people percieve me] what if it makes me miserable [i’m already miserable] what if i regret taking it [what if i regret not taking it or i miss out on an opportunity to be happy] )

i cant tell you if T is the right choice for you, but i can tell you that i also had fears and uncertainties before starting, and that if you do end up hating it you’ll be able to adapt.

[k0kichiimagines]

Rlly rlly sure Saeyoung proposes at the end of the secret ending amdnsb, he called everyone cuz it would be a proposal party for you like daz so cute WJDBABDBWH

I was also thinking about the rubber keychains y'know when they hold the ring and stuff. I like to think that Saeyoung asked you to marry him on his house and at the first RFA party after everything was okay, he gives you the ring there instead. I also really love how they put some words next to the rubber keychains when you see them online and Saeyoung's is:

"To tell you the truth, I couldn't concentrate on the party. I've been waiting for this moment - waiting for that moment where everything has been settled, with nothing to stop me from giving you this. You are my pearl, the remedy to my pain.... Can I have a word with you?"

It's cute how it implies that he gave it to you at the party SKDBAJDBAB

I also like how Saeran's rubber keychain, is him hiding the ring behind his back to surprise you LMFAO, he also looks so cute with his mouth open and a hand there too like "omg- you caught me??":

"Huh? A ring? How did you know? Actually... I was worried this wouldn't be good enough for you, my love. I want to give you my all... I hope you'd like it. If you'd prefer something with a different design, let's go get it together."

It's so cute haha!!

ALSO LMFAO IMAGINE SUIT HACKING YOUR PHONE AND DELETING EVERY TRACE OF IT AND THEN SENDING YOU A TEXT LIKE: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU AIRHEAD!! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS CAUSE TROUBLE FOR ME? DID YOU REALIZE THAT YOU BROKE EVERY SINGLE BOTTLE OF THE ELIXIR?? WAIT UNTIL I TELL MY SAVIOR ABOUT THIS, THEY ARE GONNA THROW YOU OUT NOW, YOU WEAK AIRHEAD!!" THEN HE LIKE- THINKS (rethinks his entire life) TF HE IS GONNA SAY TO HER BECAUSE SHE WOULD BE SO FUCKING TRIGGERED-

Believer: Mr. Saeran? What should-

Suit: SHUT UP AND DO NOT TELL SAVIOR ABOUT THIS OR YOU'LL BE THE ONE TO GO THROUGH THE CLEANSING CEREMONY, YOU GOT IT?!

V, texting MC: "MC?! Is everything okay?? Did something happen? I'm so so sorry.. I'll find a faster way to get you out of there!!"

Don't get me started on Suit Saeran's emojis like did he create them in a whole ass day- LMFAO ALSO FOR GE/AE SAERAN TOO, DID THEY MADE THEM ASJBSAHDHWKDJW

BRO IMAGINE TELLING SAEYOUNG AFTER EVERYTHING WAS FINE AND YOU THREE DISCUSS THE EVENTS OF WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU LOST CONNECT WITH THE OTHER MEMBERS AND LATER HE LOW-KEY IS SCARED OF YOU IN GENERAL AND BECAUSE YOU BLASTED CARAMELLDANSEN IN MINT EYE IM CRYING-

But that also means he definitely wants you as his pranking buddy to scare the shit out of the rest of the RFA with pranks CRYINGGGG

NO NO THANK YOU FOR READING AND ANSWERING LMFAO I LOVE SEEING YOUR REACTIONS TO MY SCENARIOS AJDBAJDHAJBDAHDH

I still need time but talking about Mystic Messenger always cheers me up <3

Hope you are well!! Make sure to take breaks!!

Also pls pls pls ramble about Saeran to me as much as you want, I love talking to others about mystic messenger so so much <333 my DMS/asks are always open for you!!

IDEA IDEA he does that gathering at his bunker before they all go off to a party, not many people there its more guests to fill the space, and then he takes you off to a little private area to be all loving and stuff, engagement celebration

he "jokes" about marrying you at the space station so much its definitely his way of making sure you do want to marry him! space themed wedding, he may not have a space station yet but he'll make on earth instead yknow?

IM THINKING ABOUT SUITS AND DRESSES NOW FOR THE WEDDING in my culture the bride changes through like 7 too so ive got lists of ideas in terms of dresses LMAOSKBDD maybe ill add some ideas in

but honestly i see their suits being kinda similar to their party outfits?

SAERAN his party outfit is so pretty fr the pink and the rose im skfhejhf

"my love " i cry every time

GIVING SUIT EXTRA STRESS HE CANT TRUST YOU FOR THREE SECONDS he puts those cameras in and rushes while calling you any time it looks like you're about to try it again, if you then thats it you're stuck sitting on the cold floor of his work room for hours, dont whine about it or he'll kick you out with a believer to babysit you

imagine suit sitting there drawing himself laughing like a maniac crying

i can see ge maybe :0 he does those drawings in his diary & passport ! so he does like drawing,,, adorable i love the like chibi style of it <333

you and saeyoung would be a menace pair fr 😭 no one trusts you anymore now, pranking everyone non stop /j

I LOVE GETTING YOUR SCENARIOSIFHFBFN ONES LIKE THESE ARE SO AMUSING it makes me laugh to picture suit stressing over it dihchf,, feel free to drop them anytime!! my dms & & asks are open for you as well!!

i hope youre doing well as well!!

my saeran thought of the day is that i can see saeyoung convincing him to help him wash his babys, firstly with "brother bonding time" and then a promise of ice cream

"ill get you ice cream." and saeran physically pauses.

"what type?"

"one of the cones with different flavours! your choic-"

"deal."

[flamingo-writes]

Mixtape Track 03

Humility by Gorillaz (feat. George Benson)

Summary: Even though he's a big city boy himself, Josuke Higashikata still agreed to go camping with you and your dad. Learning in the process that camping isn't as easy as you usually make it sound. However, its during the trip that he discovers something. A new set of feelings for you start clouding his mind.

A/N: this was also inspired by the recent camping trip I had with a fre friends a few weeks back.

Warnings: none.

People were usually surprised by how close Josuke and you were. Considering the both of you were so different. Sure, for two people who basically grew up together, you were very different.

Growing up, you constantly went camping with your father, since he was a botanist. Even though now a days he worked as a teacher in City S's University, he missed his researcher days when he'd go on field trips to research plants. And so, during school breaks, he'd go camping for a few days and take you along into the most recondite places in the middle of nowhere.

While you grew up spending a lot of time in the wild, you grew to be a bit feral and adventurous. Curious of the tiny details nature had to offer, with a lot of knowledge about plants, how to light a fire, how to climb, you were very much like a wild animal yourself. You kept your appereance always simple and practical and despite liking being clean, you didn't really mind if you got dirty.

Josuke on the contrary, was a city boy, despite living in the small town of Morioh. Always looked after his appereance, always clean, always smelling nice. Josuke was a smart kid, no doubt, but when it came to survival skills, he had none, since he usually took many things for granted because he was raised always withing the limits of Morioh.

In the summer before starting highschool, as per usual, your dad planned out a camping trip with a couple of his friends from college. They usually brought their kids along, with whom you got along with, but neither of them lived in Morioh. However, this time, your father told you you could bring a friend with you.

But boy, poor Josuke Higashikata didn't know what he had gotten himself into. He though it was gonna be different, considering how you always spoke so excitedly about your camping trips with your dad.

Its not that he didn't have fun. But it was all too complicated. Sleeping on the floor, not having a mirror and having to style his hair from muscle memory. The cold at night was something he never had lived through, his hands freezing as he tried to eat his very simple dinner, as the small group of people gathered around a small fire.

"So, what's the plan for tomorrow?" You asked your father, sitting next to you as he took a big sip of his beer.

"We're gonna go to Sendai, we want to visit the Tama River, probably take a swim there" Your dad said.

"Oh nice!" Kenta, a boy around your age sighed. "I love the Tama river!"

"Sendai? Oh gee, where are we?" Josuke whispered low enough so only you could listen.

"Not sure. But it doesn't matter. When we go to Sendai, we stay a night in some cabins with hot water and beds"

"Oh thank god. I really need a shower. And a roof above my head" Josuke sighed relieved.

"Youre such a city boy" you giggled as Josuke felt a blush creep on his cheeks.

"Yeah, camping its not my thing. I am having fun though" Josuke admitted.

"Thank you for coming here. And I'm sorry I dragged you out of the city" You muttered back, looking at your friend underneath your lashes.

"Hey, don't apologise. I am having fun. You dont get to see landscapes this beautiful in Morioh. Besides, I get to spend time with you, thats ways fun" Josike added apologetically, windering if you felt offended in some way.

It wasnt all that bad, he thought. The cold weather had him sharing a blanket with you. The two of you snuggled together, sharing a blanket. And for the first time, Josuke noticed a different glow in your face.

"Thank you, Josuke" You spoke after a few seconds of silence, resting your cheek on his shoulder and snuggling closer to him as he swore he felt you shiver and tightening the blanket around your shoulder.

Josuke mirrored your movements, getting closer together so the warmth between your bodies helped you stop shivering.

The way you seemed so comfortable in nature, how you breathed in so deeply l every now and then, and how you were quick to day dream while staring at the landscape. He always thought you were objectively a pretty girl, but seeing you like this, he wondered if you had always being this pretty.

Josuke's favorite part of the camping trip was indeed spending the night at a cabin your dad and his friends rented. The first thing he did was take a hot shower while everyone else gathered around a fire outside the cabin exchanging stories of all natures while a friend of your dad cooked dinner.

However, the hot shower was nowhere near close his new favorite experience of the trip compared to when you swam in the river.

The city boy felt slightly intimidated by the idea of swiming in a river. What if something happened to him? Was it really safe to swim in river? It took a little convincing for Josuke to get in there. But nothing you couldn't do.

"C'mon, you know how to swim!" You cheered.

"Its cold!" Josuke whined as he got a si gle foot inside and thought ofnhow the temperature was going to feel in his whole body.

"I know, but as long as you keep moving, you wont feel cold"  You added.

"Its easy for you to say it, you're already in there"

"Come on! I'll buy you lunch when were back if you get in here and swim towards me!"

Josuke looked at you as you slowly swam on your back towards the centre of the river.

"You're gonna be fine! I promise!"

Josuke took a deep breath before jumping into the river and swiming towards you. The cold water stinging his skin at first. However, he soon felt the warmth of your skin underwater, as his arm brushed yours.

"Hey you made it!" You said wrapping your arms around his bare shoulders covered in goosebumps due to the cold. You hugged his as he kept moving his legs, brishing his knees with yours every now and then

"I cant feel the bottom, how deep is this river?" Josuke asked.

"Dunno. But it doesnt matter. Just keep swimming!" You cheered.

"I'm going to be honest, Im a bit scared right now" Josuke admitted, a blush painting his cheeks lightly.

"Hey, nothing's going to happen to you. Here" you said holding his hand "Some otters hold hands to keep themselves from drifting away, so, as long as we're holding hands, you're gonna be fine" You squeezed his hand softly as he looked at your uands, oretty visible through the crystal clear water.

"Are we otters now?" Josuke asked.

"You're my otter half" You giggled mischievously as Josuke glared at you at your bad joke.

"Wow" Josuke laughed as he noticed he no longer felt cold anymore "that is the cheesiest joke you ever made"

"Okay fine, you can stop holding my hand now" You joked.

"No! Dont let go! I'll behave, I promise!" Your friend whined.

You laughed, Josuke tightening his grip on your warm hand as the both of you were floating without going anywhere.

You swam together as everyone was enjoying themselves as well swiming in the river. A few hours went by before your dad and his other two friends got off the water and started a fire ready to warm up the food before the sunset.

It a few instances, you had held hands with josuke, without much of a thoight. However, this time ot felt a bit different. It felt a bit more intimate. The time you spent in the river, you were hding hands the entire time. Outside the river, you remained with your fingers entwine despite it not being necessary anymore.

Something in your chest felt different than usual. And you thought you were just being silly, suddenly feeling romantic about holdong hands with your best friend.

However, what you didnt know is that Josuke was having the exact same thoughts. And the same fast heartbeat you were having, as neither of you let gonofneach other's hands as you approached the fire upon being called for dinner.

[Mixtape]

Dont forget to leave feedback! If you want to be tagged in the future, let me know!

Also, have an actual pic from my camping trip. I did swim in a river and even though the water was very cold, I still had a lot of fun

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Trophy chapter three

Finally decided where im going with this been mulling it over for a few days toying with a few ideas. Trying to define Henry's character has been a bit difficult for me as i wasnt sure what angle i wanted to highlight more but from here out i think iv settled on Yandere/Daddy Dom/Care Giver so the relationship has taken a more ddlg turn its not going to dive in to ageplay (im not confident enough yet maybe one day) but the reader is slightly childish. I cant stress enough that as this is a yandere themed story its not going to be for everyone all my chapters will have appropriate warnings. If you have read it and think i have missed one out please let me know so i can apologize and correct it. Not much else to say other than i hope you like it

Warning:Adult themes, Dubcon,Controlling Behaviour, Swearing

Masterlist

You find out who it was who handed you over to Henry

Chapter one ,Chapter two Chapter four Chapter five

Trophy chapter three

Waking up the next morning was slow, absolutely exhausted you laid under the soft covers relaxing with your eyes closed ignorant to the world. Turning over trying to get comfy enough to fall asleep again.Frowning as your ears picked up an irritating tapping that moved back and forth. Groggily you identified it as a dog excitedly pacing on a wooden floor.Something that you hadn't heard since your childhood ,with out a thought -still not fully awake- you poked your hand out of the covers and over the side of the mattress to placate the animal,immediately being nudged into stroking a fluffy face and lathered with dog kisses.

"Amy ,stop, go lie down" Your eyes snapped open as the words left your mouth Amy -your German Shepherd from childhood- has been long gone and you haven't had a dog since. You snatched your hand back sitting up groaning as the pain in your ass forced you to flop face first back onto your side. There was a large snout in front of you, literally inches from your nose as the dog has rested its chin on the mattress in front of you letting out an impatient whine.You slowly inched back apprehensive of the large dog.

"H-hey there erm where did you come from boy? girl?" You spoke quietly the dog snorted in response then in one swoop jumped up onto the bed over you landing on the other side. Rolling on your back ignoring the ache in your ass more concerned with the very large canine beside you. Your not scared of dogs not in the slightest, but you didn't know this one.It laid down on the other side of the bed tail thumping away as it looked at you expectantly. Sitting up slowly you pulled yourself to the head board resting against it.Only now really recollecting yesterdays events and just where you were. The dog huffed again and slumping to lie on its side pawing at you.Pet me. The dog didn't seem aggressive actually the opposite, smiling lightly you began giving a belly rub.Male. You looked up as the bathroom door opened revealing a towel clad Henry fresh from the shower rubbing a smaller hand towel on his hair before letting the damp cloth drape around his neck. He smiled knowingly as your eyes trailed down from the towel at his neck drinking in his toned chest that had a complementarity dusting of dark curls across it.You sucked in a deep breath. It really wasn't fair, he knew very well how attractive he was, under different circemstances you might have flirted with him a little after drinking a few glasses of liquid courage. Not that you'd have thought you would have a chance. 

'To bad he's a nut job' you though wistfully. Just your luck that the only man to look your way was a fucking psychopath. You directed you attention to the fingers that were still absentmindedly scratching through the dogs thick fur. Henry approached the bed nodding his head at the dog.

"See you've met Kal" The dog twitched his ears at his name enjoying his belly rub to much to move.

"Kal. It suites him Akita right?" He grinned nodding as he sat on the edge of the bed patting the dogs barreled chest.

"Yep my boy, yours to now" You paused then pulled your hand off kal (to his disappointment) tucking them in your lap as it clicked who you were speaking to. Henry continued looking at you lovingly for a few seconds then his face fell sighing as he watched you pull back into yourself then looked towards the bathroom.

"Go get cleaned up, I have a visitor to take care of after breakfast shouldnt take long then we can spend the day together" He finished his sentence leaning in with a kiss on your cheek before lifting himself up to get ready for the day. You got up holding the bed momentarily to stabilize yourself before taking slow steps towards the bathroom wincing as you movements aggravated your sore backside.

"Theres some comfry cream on the sink bring that out when your finished" For some reason You could hear his grin swallowing Uneasy you nodded before shutting the Bathroom door behind you unsure why you heard him laugh through the heavy wood. Shuffling forward you relished in the warmth of the steam filled room. His bathroom was stylish and sleek, the type of room you'd expect in a five star hotel not that you'd ever stayed in one .Expensive looking black gold veined marble steps leading to a large sunken tub at the far end of the room, before that matching marble splash back on the 'his and hers' sink with a mirror hung above them. The large shower to your left was glass on one side it was big enough to fit four or five people comfortably and had a built in bench seat. The shelves either side of the mirror were fully stocked one side obviously had been pre-prepared for you with hair and make up products all in your preferred brands and colours.

'That cannot be a coincidence' you summarized as you pulled the foundation down inspecting the seal.Brand new as suspected.So he must have planned for your arrival. You shook the thoughts out of your head not wanting to think of how he knew so much about you. After using the loo and brushing your teeth with the new pink toothbrush that'd graciously been provided for you.The power shower was welcome easing your muscles your tension melted away under the powerful spray and also giving you time to think of where you went from here.

'Don't think he's gonna give me a chance to run anytime soon. Gotta find out why he's taken me .Its lot of trouble to go through for no reason, unless he's done it before. Maybe i could be nice to him, play along until his guard drops then scarper. Question was, what then?' If what they say is true it'd be useless going to the police you'd be back here in no time dread to think what he'd do to you then. If you left you'd have to leave town asap. Wouldn't be able to go home and pack a bag it'd be to obvious-or maybe soo obvious they wouldn't even look.' The door opened pulling you from your musings, it was only open enough for kal to slip in who dutifully sat by the shower door Henry didn't follow calling from behind it.

"Are you ok? you've been in here a while" You hadn't realized but he was right as you looked at your pruned fingers.

"Im fine" you heard a sigh of relief as you answered him 

"Good when you didn't answer my calls i was worried that you'd tried something very stupid" He paused contemplating his next words

"Time to get out now i think" You faltered at that stepping from under the spray towards the shower door. 

"But i haven't washed yet"

"Well who's fault is that little one? Besides the amount of time you've been in there the waters probably taken care of any dirt.Next time don't waste so much time." He scolded half hartedly

"Sorry i wasn't aware you were on a water meter" you snapped back at him in temper.

"Excuse me? would you like to try again?" His tone was so ominous you took a step back curseing silently.

"Sorry. I'll be right out"

"Sorry Who?" you didn't reply immediately

"...Sorry daddy" 

"Good don't let it happen again" Calling kal out of the room he shut the door.Defeated you hang your head deciding to try and pacify him at least until you could come up with a plan of action.Twisting off the water and exiting the shower wrapping a large bath sheet around your body uesing a smaller one to wring out your wet hair. Scurrying out of the bathroom finding him sitting up on the bed laptop in hand Kal was nowhere to be seen. Your captor was dressed in a caramel two piece suit with white shirt. He looked over the screen at you.

"Your clothes are here. Did you grab the cream?"

"I forgot, give me a sec." You quickly grabbed the small pot of cream handing it to him then preceded around the bed unfolding the clothes left out for you.

"Y/n come here" He said closing his laptop stopping sliding it off his lap peeking over at him you blinked holding up the sweater that was left out for you. 

"Cant i get dressed first?" A pleading look not trusting his expression or him in general really.

"Not until this has soaked in"

"What?" Nervously twiddling the soft knit fabric already dreading what ever he had in store for you now.Chuckling he waved the pot in the air.

"This is to ease your cute little bottom now come over here" Opening the pot and paced it within reach on the beside table. Fully expecting you to do as your told you covered your back side with one hand.

"M-my bottom is fine really i don't need it"

"Now you and i both know that if i turned you over my knee right now id find a sore red little bottom. Im going to take care of you now could you please come here."

"Please i can do it myself" Ignoring you he dipped his fingers into the thick balm smoothing it between his palms. You took a deep breath deciding that your best option was to grin and bear it. Dragging your feet until you stood in front of the amused man.

"Theres no need to sulk." Lifting you effortlessly to lie on the bed tugging the towel from around you he whistled low 

" Thats a well punished bottom if iv ever seen one" he anounced before running his lathered hands across it massaging in the pain reliefe thoughrly in smooth circles, you tensed under his hands, they felt cool in comparison to your heated flesh.

"Dosnt look like youll bruise which is good.Allmost done now"

You fhuffed letting him get on with it trying to imagine you were anywhere but here as his palms moved lower to graze over your thighs and back up again leaving behind a trail of tingles then he pulled away.

"Just lie there and let it work its magic ,you've been a very good girl." You hated feeling a twinge of pride at his praise quickly beating it down .He left you there for five mineuts or so then signaled to get dressed. Once down stairs you were greeted with an enthusiastic kal whilst being served a light breakfast of toast and juice. Not long after that you found yourself beside him watching the news on a sofa kal chilling out at your feet with an indestructible looking chew A large man clad in all black strolled in stating

"Got a visitor boss said he called last night?" Henry left instructing you to stay put. You strained your ears as you heard his foot steps stopping a few feet behind the door. Hearing a familiar voice from the other side. Getting up you tip toed across the room pressing your ear against it listening to the conversation.

"-Caught on cctv, thats evidence that could implicate me. What am i supposed to tell them? The others were already asking questions last night i told them it was a rota mistake not sure how long i can keep them quiet its out of character,  You said it would be subtle." It was henry who spoke next his voice was deep authoritative and menacing.

"Calm down I have it all taken care of, not my first rodeo.Trust me no one is going to go looking to deep, the paper trails already sorted out  application ,travel, accommodation the lot. All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and we're squared up.As agreed"

"I dont know how i feel about it now? I think i made a mistake" The other male frantically replied.

" Your mistake was not keeping up your end I told you to keep an eye on him. I told you what would happen if you cocked it up.Now I have to be the bad guy. You think I wanted to do it this way? Besides its already done you cant go back on your word now. If your having second thoughts thats tough fucking luck I dont do refunds. Now get the fuck out of my house and you best keep that mouth shut cos I can make you dissapear just as easy as her. Lads show Mr Fletcher out" You gasped stepping back quickly mind racing as you sat back down where you were originally. You sat in shock as you realized who it was Henry had been talking to and why theyd sounded familiar. Kyle fletcher owner of the small cafe you worked in your boss of four years.Putting two and two together ,that chat was about you. You felt sick it was kyle who'd asked you close later than usual to deep clean the coffee machine and recount the float , causing you to close up in the dark which was where youd been taken. For some reason he knew what was going to happen he'd been in on it a overcome by a wave of anger you decided come hell or high water you were going to find out exactly what your exboss had done.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

That Damn Sex Pollen! - Part 1

Words: 1884 (ish)

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: SMUT and swearing

"So much for having the weekend off" i muttered quietly as i followed Bucky through the large warehouse.

"You should know its never guaranteed in this line of work by now Y/N" he smirked at me over his shoulder.

"It could at least be something exciting Buck, i mean come onnnn collecting info from a drive??"

"At least we'll be done quick and get back to enjoying the rest of our weekend in peace before they all get back to the compound".

The rest of the team had been called out to a Hydra camp Tony had tracked down, Bucky and I stayed behind as we had had back to back missions for a while and it was our turn to stay home. But when Fury called needing some information extracted there was no choice but for us to go.

Bucky walked into the back office and started the data grab required while i kept watch. It didnt take too long, Bucky was soon walking towards me showing me the drive he had pinched between two fingers "all done, lets go" he said.

Suddenly the doors all slammed shut and automatic locks were heard engaging.

"Shit! Buck whats going on??" I asked pushing at the door.

"Move, let me try" he said before ramming his metal arm into the door, it dented but that was about it.

"I cant get through" he stated before marching off and trying the other doors, nothing.

"Bucky i dont think we're getting out of here without help" i said sitting down on the floor leaning back against the wall as i pulled out my phone "shit, there's no signal in here! Maybe the panic button? It'll take them a while to get here but its all we have" i pulled back the plastic casing on my bracelet that held the panic button Tony insisted we have on mission.

"Might as well get comfy Sarge we're gonna be here a while" i stated the obvious and watched as Bucky sat across from me looking nervous.

"This place is so strange..... i mean what are those plants doing in a warehouse?" I asked noticing a load of pink flowered plants off to the side, it looked like they were growing it like marijuana!

"Oh shit...." Buckys eyes went wide suddenly "this can't be happening"

"What cant be happening??.....Jesus christ is it getting hot in here??" I asked suddenly feeling heat rush to my face.

I unzipped my tac vest and shrugged out of it leaving me in my combat pants and black tank top. I notice Bucky shuffling further away from me and it makes me frown "whats wrong with you?" I ask.

"You know what that stuff is??" He points to the pink flowers nervously, i shake my head not really caring. Its like a fog has descended and all i notice is Bucky..... he is beautiful! Heat burns low in my belly as my eyes roam Bucky's muscular form, imaging what he looks like naked! It wouldn't be the first time i had pictured that!

"They call it sex pollen! Y/N do you understand what that is??"

"Mmhmmm let me guess, makes you really horny?" I asked as i pressed my thighs together, shit this is embarrassing!

"Just stay over there..... help will be here soon. We can fight this". Bucky says through gritted teeth, his hands fisted at his sides.

It had been hours and we were still stuck in this fucking warehouse with the god damn sex pollen!! It was absolute torture!! Bucky was now only in his combat pants and tank top and i couldnt help but imagine his arms around me.... those hands on my body, his fingers inside....

"You okay over there? You’re kinda staring" Bucky asked bringing me back to reality.

"Not really" i stated wiping at the sweat on my forehead and neck "its getting worse..... its starting to hurt Buck" i said honestly.

"Thats what it does, it'll get worse until you get the antidote or...."

"Or what??"

"Scratch the itch so to say" he blushed, Bucky had thought about being with you so many times but not under these circumstances.

"You mean until its fucked outta me??" I asked with wide eyes.

"Yeah" he nodded reaching down to readjust himself in his pants. He'd been rock hard for hours now and all he wanted to do was bury himself inside you and help you both out!

"You might have to do it Buck, im not joking! I feel like im dying!" I said a couple hours later as i laid on the cold floor trying to cool down my over heated skin, i was almost crying at how much it hurt.

"We cant do that Y/N....."

"Please Bucky" i whined but he just looked away "fine, i'll take care of myself" i huffed undoing my pants and slipping my hand in my panties that were absolutely soaked at this point!

"What are you doing doll...." he asked his voice hitching at the sight in front of him.

"I have to! I need the pain to stop Buck I'm dying...." as my fingers made contact with my clit a loud moan escaped my mouth uncontrollably!

"Jesus fucking christ....." i heard Bucky mutter and looked over to see him palming his cock through his trousers as he watched me.

"You could just help me out...."

"Come over here" he said holding his hand out to me, his eyes were full of lust as he pulled me into his lap pressing me down on his hard cock and rocking me against him. My head fell back and i moaned in ecstasy at the feeling of him but it wasn't enough!! I needed the real thing and so did he.

"We cant do this....." Bucky said in my ear as his hands slipped under my tank top and caressed my naked back.

"You only want this because of that damn plant"

"Ive always wanted you Buck" i mumbled pressing kisses to his neck as my hands reached for his top, i needed to feel more of him against me.

"What?? You want me??" He asked wide eyed looking for any sign that i was lying.

"From the second i met you i wanted you" i admitted before leaning in and pressing my lips to his. He was quick to return the kiss, his tongue tracing my bottom lip....

"Please fuck me Bucky..... i need you so bad!" I begged as i rubbed myself over his huge bulge to get some friction.

"Ive wanted to hear you say that for so long doll!" He practically growled in my ear before laying me back against the cold warehouse floor. I watched as Bucky pulled my already open pants down my legs with my panties and sat back looking at my soaking wet cunt before him. He reached out with his metal hand and run his fingers through my wet folds earning him a moan as my back arched up off the floor.

"So fucking pretty!" He said before reaching for his own pants and finally freeing his hard cock.

"Oh god, look at that thing!" I said seeing the size of it as it sprung free.

"You like what you see doll?" He asked smirking down at me.... smug bastard!

I bit at my bottom lip and nodded as i reached forward to wrap my hand around the base of his cock before lining it up with my entrance.

"Fuck me James" i begged looking into his almost black eyes, almost all of the blue had disappeared.

"Yes m'am" he smiled before pushing forward and finally giving me what i needed.... what i wanted!

The sounds he made as he fucked me were absolute sin, i swear i could cum just listening to him!!

"Oh Buck you feel so fucking good....."

"Yeah? You like feeling my hard cock filling your tight little pussy??"

"God yes!! Dont ever stop" i cried out when he thrust harder into me going even deeper than before.

"You’re gonna feel me inside you for days baby!" He said before kissing my neck. His hands were on my breasts kneading and pinching.....

"I need to cum! Please Bucky let me cum" i begged for my release.

"You gonna cum all over my cock??"

"Yes!! Shit yes!!" I cried out as i felt his fingers start to circle my clit and he increased the speed of his thrusts, my stomach tightened and then i was screaming his name my eyes squeezed so tight i saw stars! He gave a few more thrusts and then i felt him release inside me. His hips slowly coming to a stop but his cock remained inside me.

"Wow..... that was...." i panted as my hands run up his chest and over his shoulder to rest on his back. Bucky leaned forward and kissed me again but this time it was much more passionate.

"That was amazing. So much better than i ever imagined...."

"I know the feeling" i smiled "i love you Buck..... you know that right?" I suddenly said as my thumb traced over his bottom lip.

"I do now" he smirked "i love you too Doll".

After another round of mind blowing sex we started getting dressed.....We didn't want to risk any of the team catching us.

"Y/N..... what are we going to do about this?" Bucky asked avoiding eye contact. I couldn't believe this was the same man who had been saying such dirty things to me as he fucked me 10 minutes earlier.

"I don't know Buck..... i meant what i said before. I do love you.... it wasn't the sex pollen making me say those things"

"I know, me too" he nodded taking my hand and entwining our fingers.

Suddenly there was a banging on the main door we entered through earlier.

"Y/N..... Buck?? You in there?" Came the loud booming voice of one Sam Wilson.

"Yes!! Sam we're in here!" I called back grabbing my tac vest and pulling it back on and zipping it up.

"Hold on sugar we'll have you out in no time" he called back.

When the door finally opened Sam was grinning at us like an idiot "i cant believe you two got locked in here".

"Makes three of us!" I laugh and head towards the door, im rushed by a flustered looking Steve Rogers.

"Oh my god are you okay?" He asked wrapping his arms around me "i was so worried when i saw your panic button had been activated!!"

"Im fine" i nodded quickly "the download must have triggered an old security measure.....all the doors slammed shut and Buck and i couldnt get them open"

"Dont scare me like that again baby okay?!" He said before pressing his lips to mine "lets go home".

"Sounds good to me"

"You okay Buck?" Steve asked his best friend who had stayed standing away from us.

"All good Steve" he nodded grabbing his tac jacket from the floor and heading to the door.

"Hey, thanks for looking out for my girl Buck" Steve called after his friend. Bucky just gave him a quick nod before walking out and joining the rest of the team on the quinjet.

[emoali]

Sunday🔴

I'm crying because im realising that I thought I could make it on my own finally but I was blinded by unemployment pay...

I make $2000 now every month

I was making $3000

If I want to be single and live alone I wont be able to put as much into retirement...

I still feel stuck... I feel like the economy has made it this way... Iv always felt like this...

This makes me wonder if I really want to be single... Because I can really see us moving out together... Enjoying life together.... I just want to be able to flirt with guys on the side to fulfill my needs.

If he doesnt get a job by Jan that tells me that hes not taking our goals seriously...

Living with his parents is causing me stress...so I MUST go even if it costs $$$

If he proves that he can start paying bills and wants to work things out then okay but I cant wait around for him I need to start that fire 🔥 under his ass

In reality I'm just scared that I'm not going to have any money... But ill have my own place... I'll be in controle of my meals and my life... For the first time I can see what its like to be independent...

I'm trying to look for good jobs that pay $20 and hour.... Its stressing me out

Let alone find a good job...

I dont know if i feel stuck or lucky?

When i came in venting about Brian and my situation... I want to fix it... I wanted to learn how to cope with living in a situation like this

I just need to learn how to set boundaries and ask for things that I want...

I dont need to throw it all away...

Now it feels like im having to choose over just surving and living with my best friend

Being part of the low income bracket feels like I have no choice... I have to be in realationship to have any money.

All this stress made me just want to numb everything again I couldn't handle it

I masterbatered... But then got stressed and confused again... So I went and had sex with Brian it was good for sure...

But i am still confused... Now more tham ever...

Its the pre period sex drive...

After looking again I was able to calm myself down a little and realise that if I were to stuggle even for a year or two... I would be okay...I could find someone...

There are options... I saw jobs that payed 25+ that seem like something I could do...

Take this experience... See what happens over the next few month's...

But most of all TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

AND STICK TO THE SCHEDULE...

As you know I get extremely overwhelmed easily... Searching through jobs...simple things freak me out...so for right now I need to slow down...

If things dont work themselves out by Jan then I will go on my self help solo journey... Ill use that blanket statement to see what life is like single... I need that experience no matter the cost...

The reason im here today and have stayed is because of money... His parents have supported me and given me and easy life...and easy ride...at what cost...

So after looking up moreeee jobs I am not to worried... things will work themselves out... As im looking at all these jobs I cant help but show brian...he applys immediately...and he then get a email with in mins... Hes excited saying thats the first time someones replied with an actual email... Its a very good paying job 25+

He mentions that we are out of weed I say we can go get more if he wants and he says that hes wanting to cut back... So that's a HUGE sign that he wants to change... I was very excited

[alphabetofbullshit]

I would be more understanding if i knew you werent doing well emotionally. But you are, at least as far as i know because you never fucking volunteer information! I tell you the things that scare me, the things i don't like doing because of prior relationship traumas, and you just take them at face value, like i should be waving a flag every time i experience something i tell you i experience all the time!

Im getting the last of a bad medication out of my system, and am on a low dose of one that I don't even know whether or not its helping!

Id break up with him if i thought he'd protest. Even if he does still care, he's too fucking polite to do anything. Whether or not he still loves hell, even likes me he'll just say "okay, but why?" And I'll explain that ive expressed a million times that im hurting all the time, and he still doesn't check in, doesn't try to help me. Explain how he barely ever makes any effort to talk to me. He doesn't ever express any actual interest in my passions

And i cant!! Even!! Be mad at him!! Cos i know hes the most oblivious fuck. Cos i know he doesn't overthink things. And no matter how cynical i am i have a nasty habit of believing the best of the people i care about while simultaneously believing worse than is actually possible.

But of course i know i care more about him than he does me. That any shred of affection that may exist will never be expressed in the way i need. If i end things, i will be devastated, and I'll likely lose some friends (his friends will hear the story of why and see im a psyco bitch, while other mutual friends like me better and I'll stick with them). He'll be upset. Hes got other friends, other things to do. He'll go right back to the same things he always does instead of texting me back

I may be holding my boyfriend to an unfair standard but, cmon. I told you there was tea i wanted to share, you said you were already in a call, so i said "oh, after?"

You know i am afraid of asking for things, so wouldn't it be nice for you to bring that up? And wouldn't that be really sweet? I know if roles were switched i would bring that up. Because it shows that i care about what you're saying. When you tell me about your interests, i ask questions, i engage, you just give a generic response and buzz past.

Id try giving you the cold shoulder but you wouldn't fucking notice because i initiate 70% of our conversations. At least try to make me think you care the same about me than you do your friends.