#im recovering from an ed literally the least powerful person in the world also if you read that theres not a single threat

[allogloss]

alrighty im gonna explain myself here in case anyone i care about saw this and was concerned or saw that persons reply to me (you can go read it if you want its v nice /s) (obvs dont harass them dont engage at all but if you want context you can go looking at the reblogs):

this is what happens when a neurodivergent person with the type of shit i have feels really strong negative emotions, they turn to panic (which was the repeating and stuff this post was mainly panic) and then often to anger. my emotions are alway at level like 1/10 or an 11. there is no in between but i have learned how to cope with that and not be an awful person to other people. part of that coping is sometimes venting like this to get it all out of my system. i make nicer vent posts on this blog sometimes so like its kinda my responsibility to make the less pretty ones as well bc its the reality of neurodivergence. also i couldnt v well post this on my mental health blog bc for some reason i dont want discourse on there i know that p shocking wow.

ableism if youre wondering since i was accused of “kinda being ableist” would not be saying that someone should make sure they understood a post before replying. guilting someone for feeling strong emotions theyre not in control of and being like if this is your usual anger level for disagreements thats scary and like bad of you thats something wrong of you it makes you a bad person when they literally cant control emotions? thats how emotions work? also maybe calling someones panicky anger vent a temper tantrum as if theyre 5 might be.

when a person gives a cis person the benefit of the doubt on everything and acts like they couldnt possibly mean to do wrong even when theyre being obviously transphobic, and then implies that i meant to worst possible thing i couldve on every point i made even when i spelled out that thats not what i meant, im allowed to be upset. when i get called terfy for saying i dont think oppressors should really be in spaces that are made for people to talk about how that oppression has affected them especially when said oppressors are known for saying theyll listen and really just using that to take advantage of people i am allowed to be upset. when i say i may not be totally right there but i definitely would not feel comfortable in those spaces bc i have ptsd and i am invalidated and called basically a step away from being a terf i am allowed to be upset. 

i am especially allowed to be upset when someone who is absolutely able to ignore something or to take my side and still be safe takes a transphobic persons side over mine. it really kind of is boot-licking to do so. especially when even in those posts you make it seem like you value cis allies over trans activists. trans activist are risking their lives, their livelihoods, their mental health, their friends and families safety, ect. by speaking up, cis allies are showing bare minimum levels of decency. i will always be upset when you say you are terrified of cis people but then when safe take their side over trans peoples and act like cis people can do no wrong. cis people are either a threat or incapable of wrong they cannot be both at the same time. its ok to be scared of cis people i wont fault you for that im scared of cis people but i will fault you for this hypocritical attitude. when you act like they can it sounds like you are willing to throw your trans siblings under the bus in order for tiny scraps of respect and that is not something i will ever stand by. that is boot-licking.

lastly the only time me feeling these emotions should mean i have to stay out of discourse is when theyre self destructive OR when they mean i cannot give a calm and collected response to someone both of which are not the case with me i mean look at the response i typed to her after this post i was absolutely calm.

(also just btw most of my followers wont even kindly defend me on posts they absolutely do not ever send people hate/attack them for a dumb vent post i made. they also dont reblog my vent posts they just get viewed by whoevers online at the time which is usually like 3 people i dont tag my vents dont reblog bc ppl lurk in that tag and reblog those posts i just tag my other posts with ok to reblog ty)(also my idc if she sees this somehow tag meant idc that theres a slight possiblity shell see this bc im v upset and that is v much her fault she was being a shitty person and should kind of feel bad also i cant post this anywhere else)

how dare you how dare you how dare you how fucking dare you and then you accuse me of being ableist after i literally said it was based off of my fucking ptsd fuck you this is not fucking ok on any level how fucking dare you say that bullshit and then blame it on your autism you fucking ***** *** **** i hate you omfg how dare you honestly i can not believe you how dare you fucking take a condescending 40 year old cis man who is talking over me on trans issues side you ***** of ******* **** god im sorry you love the taste of cis boots while being terrified of them i do not and i will not sit there and beg my fucking oppressors to say oh but not you youre a valid one you should have rights. fuck. off.

[ts-crossroads]

Episode Three - “The World’s Smallest Violin, Playing Just For You” - Rebecka

Hey so....guess who we just got out? EMILY. It’s wild because she was so confident and strategic and that made for the perfect blindside. I feel like she was doing well until she thought she had solidified Johnny’s vote, that was a little messy. I hope she isn’t right about us losing challenges now. I think we can do well and hopefully pull through, if anything me and John are pretty solid on either side with Haley or with Johnny/Ryan. Now that Rhone is gone and I literally only know John I’m trying to cling to him a bit just because I feel like he has a stronger social standing. But we shall see!

I cannot believe someone called out Emily for liking our tribe better. I mean I don’t blame her, impala is great. But their tribe was safe last round literally bc they worked with us. Also I’m nervous about this switching tribe thing bc I love my tribe and I really don’t want to lose them hahaha. At least I don’t have to worry about Emily and Bryan later down the road. But Emily did seem like someone I wanted to work with :/ oh well Ok everyone I talk to on this tribe loves it and ned even took it as far as saying he wants all of us at final 6. I’m sorry but like, no Hahahaha. When we merge, I will rely on some of these relationships (ned, Chris and Dane) but I will work with others, I can’t just stick with my start up tribe hahaha

Fatum's tribal went a lot better than expected. Now that Emily's out of the picture, I'm not as concerned about Bryan flipping. What I AM concerned about is the possibility of Fauna and Onion teaming up against us, because if the questions from the last tribal are any indication, it sounds like people aren't too happy about our winning streak. As Storymaster, Chris chose to let everyone decide if they want to mutiny. I think everyone on our tribe is staying, but I imagined a horrible scenario where the entire Onion tribe mutinied to Fauna and the tribes were suddenly 10-6. Please no.

Wow. Tribal went fantastic. I had my formal last night and was completely blackout during tribal council, so I didn't fully wrap my head around what was happening until right now, and THANK GOD IT HAPPENED!! Emily was playing too hard, and not only that, but the five of us were very together on what was happening, which is good for team cohesion. I am going HAM on the next immunity challenge because I do not wanna go back to tribal council, but I know it's bound to happen again. I definitely think the next vote is going to be between Nicole and Haley, in terms of the names being thrown out there, but without a doubt, I am not voting out Haley. I need to bring her rookie-try hard ass to the merge, because I think I've officially found someone who is going to be a bigger target come merge than I would ever be, because I somehow always seem to be that target, and to be quite honest here, I'm fairly confident in making merge now that I've made it through one tribal. I have this very serious goal this round to have an edgic of MOR2. I need to not be under the radar, because obviously a winner is never under the radar, but I really need to be low-key this round. I didn't take any heat in particular last round, but Ryan was a bit confused as to why I was agreeing to vote for him, and the good part is that he was saying he was scared because he didn't wanna expose our relationship, so he can just be saying that, or he can actually mean it. I need to just lay low and really hope we don't go to tribal, and I don't get selected to go a tribal council. I want to quietly look for the idol, by myself, and hope to make progress, while not being super communicative in hopes for the best. I'm playing in a risky reward challenge, and I think I'm not gonna try too hard in the challenge, since it's all about knocking people out of the challenge, unless I get later in the challenge and it's advantageous for me. I don't want to make those moves against anyone, so we'll see what happens since that's an auto target on my back if I play that challenge a bit poorly. We'll see what happens.

A bitch has a confessional, socially im flopping. Which is bad. Because my alliance of me, Brandon and Jake is fucked bc Rebecka or Bran has an idol. But they both hate eachother omg. Rebecka SNAPPED on his ass! 

Chris thinking he is slick but then accidentally messaging Bryan about me and Bryan and then deleting it immediately. I see how it is, you’re done :)

Ok me and Bryan are working together without Chris. I don’t know if Chris knows I know. I’m sure he does bc Bryan confronted him (not sure if that was the smartest) but Bryan didn’t specify if he told Chris or if Chris would assume a relationship between me and Bryan. I really thought I could trust Chris but that’s shady that he messaged Bryan (obvs meaning to send it elsewhere) about how he told me and Bryan to not do 13. It makes me want to try 13 anyway. I am hoping he meant it for his confessional chat rather than another castaway. I would hate to feel like the entire tribe is working against me

Also going back to earlier, I’m pissed bran won. He used a movie poster and like 4 edits on photoshop whereas I made my flag from scratch and I only lost by 5 points. I came so close compared to the other submissions and I just worked so hard on it 

Ok so I smoothed things over with Chris and with Bryan and I think I can now work with both of them in this idol hunt. I just really want to find it bc I find idols so rarely :( I think since we haven’t been in trouble yet, paranoia is just taking over some of this tribe. I want to believe that Chris was just telling his confessional chat and that he lied to Bryan about working with me to maximize his chances of finding the idol. It’s a great plan, I don’t blame him for it. But a small part of me worries he is working with someone else on the tribe against me and Bryan. I know it wouldn’t be ned. The more we talk, the more we have in common. I really see us going far together. I haven’t spoken to autumn since day 1 in one world so it could very well likely be her or even Dane. Just bc he’s on so infrequently and he doesn’t say much when he is online. But a majority part of me is saying that Chris meant to make it a confessional.

this game is lame, i trust no one on my tribe, i trust no one on the other tribes. 

Bran can't submit even 1 item for the scavenger hunt but can somehow show up to win the reward challenge AS WELL AS argue with me that they should be team captain? oh im so sorry that i dont want you to be the captain. in fact, here's the world's smallest violin, playing JUST for you, bran.  Sometimes i think I should've mutiny-ed but I dont think i'd be any better off. I don't fully trust brandon after the whole let's blindside rhone and make him first boot like what the actual fuck who thought that was a good idea our tribe sucks but at least brandon will talk to me even if its not game related? idk everything is lame im lame i give up bye !!!!

Alright so a lot has happened. Ned found half of an idol so I HOPE we’re able to find this other half after immunity results. Autumn, Ned, Dane, and myself have officially formed our 4some. I fucked up by making Bryan something NOT meant for him. I basically said I was using Sam and Bryan. I think I recovered with Sam but Bryan definitely doesn’t trust me. Regardless we can split votes 2-2-2 if needed. My tribe volunteered me to compete in the challenge... That was NOT the plan. I do not want to be the guy everyone looks to for challenges because then I become Joe Anglim. And I don’t want to be Joe Anglim. But I beat Johnny so I’m safe. I hope I beat BDC cause if so, Johnny is taking me to his tribe to vote with him at tribal. This’ll be my Opportunity to gain some trust with them for the inevitable swap. 

I'm so broken apart by what happened this round. I honestly love playing, since it's going to be the most survivor-like experience I can possibly get, and I love getting to know people and play the game and be a power player, but I can't do that if I'm getting voted out third. So to start why I'm so upset, let's rewind to last night. I decided to volunteer to compete in the immunity challenge for my tribe. I know I'm a pretty decent competitor, and I really really thought I had a chance at winning immunity this round, but that clearly isn't what happened. I am fairly confident in my challenge skills, but once I'm ready to compete, Owen tells me that we'll be competing in a logic puzzle..................... For anyone who doesn't know, logic puzzles are absolutely the worst thing to ever happen to me ever, I literally take nine hours to do the simple ones, so this was just death. I actually really honed in on the challenge, but couldn't come out with a W. I was prepared for me, as the losing captain, to choose someone from the winning tribe to win to bring to tribal with me, and I was going to pick Jake, but OF COURSE the twists keep changing every round, which is getting more and more annoying to deal with, but I'm rolling with it. The decision was this: On 12/18/17, at 6:47 PM, Owen (Crossroads Host) wrote: > This round, your tribe is going back to tribal. However, only three of the five of you will be eligible to WALK THE PLANK. Because you failed as a captain, you are automatically one of the three eligible. The winning captain has selected Ryan to join you. Between John, Haley, and Nicole you must select the third person to face elimination with you. Only the three of you will be able to get votes. It will not be revealed which person the winner picked and which person you chose. It is your own decision as a captain. SOOOOOOOOOOO Now Ryan and I are forced to be the two votes, and i'm basically forced to single handedly choose, before everyone else finds out, who I'm voting for this round, because I'm clearly not voting for Ryan this round since i trust him. My thought process was that I was either going to have to choose between the "stoners" (john haley ryan me) or the vets on our tribe, which is Nicole Ryan Haley me, and I basically chose the stoners to side with since I don't have an alliance chat with the vets, and I didn't want shit blowing up if I chose Haley. The biggest reason John was off the table was because the names going around last round were everyone except him and I, so I just wanted as many people to potentially get voted for to be up for eviction with me.

As for what I'm thinking for this vote.... i'm tripping out a little bit now that it's been announced. I told Nicole that I am the reason she's up to be voted out, because i wanted to be transparent. I figured lying about it doesn't really help the situation this round. When it comes down to who I'm voting for. I'm locking in Nicole because i can't vote for Ryan. I know that Ryan and Haley are never going to vote for me, and I'm hoping John wouldn't vote for me, but now I'm hearing a few other things that are making me a bit disappointed with him, where John wants to keep Nicole, but says he won't vote for Ryan or I. This is all according to Haley. I think I'm going to have a knot in my stomach until tribal council happens, and I'm tip toeing on the idea of telling Haley I have a half of an idol, but I'm thinking that I'll probably find another half very soon, so I'm just trying to hold onto the fact that I can have a completely secret idol, while consistently telling people where to search, and me knowing that I can't possibly have found something, when in all reality, I've got a half an idol and I'm being very cautious about it. What some people AREN'T being cautious about is how much they tell Haley. I trust that Haley wants to work with me very well, I'm not questioning that, but I am questioning how smart that girl is. She seems very eager, which is good, but she told me that SHE and NICOLE both have halves of idols to where I'm like WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK OWEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GIVING AWAY THIS MANY HALVES!?!!?? The good thing is that I know where three of them are, and that's because Haley told me. Once Haley knows something, everyone knows. I'm being good at keeping my mouth shut this time around :)

Ok I’m glad we won the challenge. But how imperium stands right now I think if we do go to a vote it will be a 3 to 3 vote with me, Sam and Ned against Chris, autumn, and Dane or 4 to 2 with me, Sam, Ned, and Dane against Chris and autumn.

Okay so I am about to single handedly make a blindside happen at tribal, alongside the help of Haley. I went on call with Haley, and told her I had a half an idol, which wasn't my first choice of things I wanted to do, due to my traumatic idol PTSD from past games, but I took a different route by telling Haley, and I made a pretty ingenious plan to get me into the best position on this tribe as possible. Step 1: Get Haley to give me her other half of the idol. (DONE) Step 2: Tell Haley that it's okay to vote for me at tribal, and that it's going to be 3 votes for me, 2 votes for Nicole (DONE) Step 3: Watch the blindside unfold. Step 4: Do damage control with John. Let Ryan be mad at John and Haley for voting for me, let John have to apologize for voting for me, and me play victim and try to really rebuild the strength of our relationships. And then after that, make sure that John and Ryan are the ones at odds with each other, while me getting John back on my side, and putting me back in the driver's seat. I know that this is going to put an insane target on my back when it gets to later in the game, and I'm going to be the guy who had a good idol play in the third round, and I'm going to be the guy that's like "he found the idol once, he can probably find one again" so I'm going to have to be real tricky with getting to merge, because I think the target is going to be on my back a lot more now than it would have ever been this early in the game, but I'll just have to throw caution to the wind and really come up with some shit and hope for the best. I did not want to have to play this hard this early, but it's happening :/ I need a swap soon. I would LOVE for us to go to tribal one more time before we swapped, to vote out John, and then Haley, Ryan and I all make it to a swap, to where I need to build some super strong relationships with some people. Haley ratted out John so much to me in the midst of this whole thing, and that Nicole and John are trying to vote for me this round, and John is going to say some snarky shit like "There's only room for one John." I'm torn on when I'm going to use the "throw haley under the bus" card, but I'm not quite there yet. I know it's going to come eventually, because that girl is playing very well very hard and very early in this game, so it'll be too tough to tell. I don't like that this is how this round is happening, but I'm ready for that OTTP5 edgic this round..... Me when I wanted a MOR3 NFVNVKSLDNFJKLVNLJKSDF

So more information coming your way live from Johnny's bed :) So Haley also tells me that Nicole is negotiating Haley's vote for the half of an idol that Nicole has, so now the plan is for Nicole to give Haley the half an idol before tribal, and then I'm going to be idoling out Nicole at tribal, while Haley has the half an idol in her pocket, which means we're back to Haley having a half, and all we have to do is find one more half, and we're golden. This is a very productive round for my game. If only this was a merge tribal council this was happening at, I'd be making a winning move here, but it's cool. I'll just hope for Owen to continue to throw twists my way that can hopefully get me out of these snake holes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  

So it's been a lot more calm now that we won the last two challenge which is nice although there was some drama picking team captain, I thought Rebecka was getting close with Bran but them fighting over Bran being captain or not showed that Rebecka isn't with him.

And I'm kinda worried about her cus I know Julia and her have some kind of connection now, I also think she's doing anything she can to get back into good graces. Like when I said I was doing my final project yesterday she PMd me saying that I could do it and she believed in me and shit which is nice and myabe that's her being genuine but she wasn't that talkative until she realized she was on the bottom so hmmm I feel like she might just be trying to get me to trust her now. But hunny I don't buy it, you're a threat. I don't trust you and if we ever swapped tribes and it was just you and me on a new tribe I already know you'd try to get my ass out. So i'ma strike first. Idk if we're gonna tribe swap next round or not but if we don't and we lose the challenge I am pushing hard for Rebecka to go. She is a threat to me and her torch needs to be snuffed.

Things are finally getting wild. I brought together my two alliances to form the Kids Next Door, an alliance consisting of Chris, Autumn, Dane, and myself. I've also been forming better relationships with Sam and Bryan, because it's looking pretty likely that we'll end up swapping soon- and I genuinely like them both. Like, if we ended up as the final 6, I'd be incredibly happy. Chris also screwed up and sent Bryan a message that was meant for Autumn and me, and Bryan went and told me about it- so I'm hoping he trusts me enough to give me information in case we ever lose. The only person I haven't talked strategy with is Sam, so it feels like we're both walking on thin ice trying to avoid mentioning the elephant in the room: that she betrayed me once, and we'd LIKE to work together, but we don't know if it's possible to completely trust one another given our history. Also, my pockets are overflowing with little knickknacks that I can't really do anything with. https://78.media.tumblr.com/ea49454532a394d02c4f61d90a7c7362/tumblr_nhrjgwdRhp1u4mldxo1_400.gif So far, in the Storybook, I've found a challenge advantage, half a Hidden Immunity Idol, and a coin that might possibly one day do something if I'm lucky. I'm hoping I get to stick around to see all these things pay off. In the meantime, only Johnny, Ryan, and Nicole are eligible to be voted off, and I'm really hoping Nicole goes home. If Johnny goes home I might cry.

BDC is a real asshole to pick me over Haley and John. I know he doesn’t like me , I wish he wasn’t so fucking fake 

Our tribe has alliances within alliance and it's starting to unfold. Our tribe is a mess and very sloppy you never know where people heads are at you get told one thing one minute and next it's a whole new thing. Hopefully the people who I trust which is Ryan, john and Johnny all stick with the original plan tonight and vote Nicole .

Ok so there's officially two alliances within Imperium- one with Dane and one without him lol. Ned, Chris, and I are the closest so we're Mystery Inc since I said our tribe feels a lot like Scooby Doo. We believe the three of us are Fred, Shaggy, and Daphne while Dane, Sam, and Bryan are Scooby, Velma, and Scrappy. Honestly I can't unsee it and that alliance could highkey go all the way because no one really picks up on it. The one with Dane is Kids Next Door based off of Codename Kids Next Door haha; Ned is No. 1, Dane is No. 3, Chris is No. 4, and I'm No. 5 (we've given Owen No. 2 lmao). Both alliances are solid and I feel really good about that so no complaints! Imperium talks all day every day so I really don't even want us to go to tribal. We're very 60's and all about peace, love, and good vibes. Yes we have a suballiance and I know Vietnam is coming but so far we don't really have any major problems or issues to work out. I think Sam and Bryan are too dangerous to make merge but we're lowkey a family now so I'm slightly torn. THERE BETTER NOT BE A TRIBE SWAP OR ELSE ILL FIGHT KNOW THAT

So like this tribe is so sketchy. Like bitch if you are gonna be so sketchy get a sketchbook smh. Anyways, so like I only trust Brandon on this tribe. Fuck the rest of these hoes. I can sniff out the BS. So Brandon and I are pretty positive that Bran got an Idol. And we are also pretty posititve Bran is throwing the challenges because he has an idol, and wants to play it. Which puts anyone at risk in this tribe. Like shit! I ain't got time 4 it. And ALSO Rebecka and Jake. Don't even get me started. I used to make alliances and close friendships of mine very obvious on accident, and they are no different. Like bitch OBVIOUSLY you are messing around. And that is VERY DANGEROUS. Because it outs the Brandon /Jake/Julia allaince, and makes Jake safe, and screws Brandon and I. UgHHH. I am really hoping for a goddamn swap ngl.

https://youtu.be/Nf6Gt2hLBHI

I'm so annoyed, but if this works, it may be one of the biggest early moves I've ever made. First off.... the confessional from earlier. It was a genius idea, but of course our tribe's village idiot fucks it up yet again (dull) So OF COURSE (surprise surprise) Haley tells Ryan about the idol, which means that our cover is blown, Ryan is mad I didn't tell him, and now Haley is "telling" me she is 100% voting for Nicole. I don't trust Haley for shit, so I run to John because I've just gotta get him 100% on my side to make sure that he is going to be voting to keep me, and he knows that he can use me in the future, and that even though he loves Nicole, he's gotta trust me. I tell John that Haley gave me her half of the idol, and that I've got the whole thing. I told John that if he doesn't tell anyone that he knows about my idol, it gives us a lot of wiggle room and we can figure out how Haley is going to use her knowing about my idol to her advantage, and we can just out her more as a snake than she has been for the first three rounds of this game. John also told me that Nicole gave her half of the idol to John, since she is so confident she is being voted out, so now Haley has nothing (thank the lord), i've got a full one, and John has a half, which can turn into a whole very very soon since apparently these things are dumb easy to find. (Note: I told John that if I found another half, I'd give it to him, but there's no way in fucking hell I'm giving up a half an idol, are you fucking kidding me? The only way I'd give it to him is if I had to do something dumb, publicly, to obtain the idol... Then I'd give it to John *eyeroll*) Nicole and John both promised me I'm not being fucked with, and that I'm a good guy and this isn't some master blindside, and if they're correct, then we're going to have four stoners here after tribal council, and our alliance of four is what is going to remain. Here is where I stand right now: 1. I don't trust Haley for shit 2. I need to work on John's trust, and I kinda expect him to tell Ryan about my whole idol, but he knows that Ryan knows and that may get back to me, so he may not tell Ryan 3. Ryan needs to know that I still have utmost trust in him, and that him and I are probably at the center of this tribe right now, because next tribal will probably be between John and Haley going home. 4. Nicole is a saint, does not deserve this if she's getting voted out, but if she has an idol of some kind, and i'm being fucked with, rip Ryan. I'm praying this tribal goes in my favor.

https://youtu.be/NhG5oWDSHpw https://youtu.be/6NYH_XsYX8c

[allogloss]

.

how dare you how dare you how dare you how fucking dare you and then you accuse me of being ableist after i literally said it was based off of my fucking ptsd fuck you this is not fucking ok on any level how fucking dare you say that bullshit and then blame it on your autism you fucking ***** *** **** i hate you omfg how dare you honestly i can not believe you how dare you fucking take a condescending 40 year old cis man who is talking over me on trans issues side you ***** of ******* **** god im sorry you love the taste of cis boots while being terrified of them i do not and i will not sit there and beg my fucking oppressors to say oh but not you youre a valid one you should have rights. fuck. off.