#im proud of myself for not having lost my sanity yet

[kjangsta]

I'm still here. I don't always want to be, but here I am.

Being a widow sucks, every second of every day. Every time I learn something or remember something it breaks me. Honestly, I'm not doing well. I'm only holding on for the trial, who knows when that will be. I've learned such disturbing things about why Ryan was allowed to be taken that have shaken my already miniscule faith in people. I've endured enormous indignities. I've struggled with something else that I can't even share with most of the people I know. I'm in hell. I'm here, though, I guess. I have no creativity, no initiative, no desire, no hope. But I'm here. I guess that's an update.

[shortstorytobetold]

You’re on your own

It's 11:11 am when I wrote this down, I'm suffering for long-lasting trauma that relapse every once a week. I guess I'm blaming other for any unfortune event in my life like how my mother told me, like how my father described me. I'm responsible for any unluckiness that's happening in my life, and yet I refused to believe it.

Mother, how does it feel to give a birth to someone so reckless, how does it feel when you found out my allergy pill's wrap on my bedroom

Father, how does it feel to watch your daughter making any bad decision in her life and blaming you until the sun goes down every day, how does it feel to find my cigarettes and you called mother just to tell her how you're such a failure

Mother, you don't deserve a child like me, you should give a birth to someone as bright as my sister, someone you can be proud of, someone who will say yes with whatever you want.

Father, you shouldn't be so harsh to my brother, he's the only son you have, he's carrying your blood and will inherit it to your grandson.

Kakak, how does it feel when I constantly hate your existence because you always outshined me when we grew up, how does it feel when gigih called you that afternoon telling you I might not make it, how does it feel when you cried to me, apologizing because you never want to be a person that outshined her sibling Adek, how does it feel when you found me in scatter in my bedroom, how does it feel to be the first person that witnessed im having paralyzed sleep, how does it feel when we hugged each other when mama packed her bag and aba slamming at any door at our house.

Ah, it hurts, recalling all those memories is hurting me.

Monica geller said she doesn't deserve any love that she ever received, and I felt that.

The wind that never existed in this room clouding and wrapping me, pull me into the sadness I always felt and I always cherished. Does time also stop for you too? Is it always be this hurts? Is it really that hard to be with me?

"I should be happy, at least this never-ending battle meets its end"

"Why I always find myself sitting in this empty and dark room, without any light? Do I really cherish emptiness, do I really cherish my trauma?"

"why grab onto it?"

I should just stop having this question in my head when I know all of this wrecking me, but I really do love my sadness.

I remember someone told me about ghost of the ocean, where people work at offshore slowly lost their mind because there's always a whisper, you can't be alone when you're in platform. i don't believe any of the story, but I believe that is not a ghost that driving them insane, it's the loneliness, black pitch ocean at night, the sound of the wave, thunderstorm, and 3 months doing basically nothing. Ghost of the ocean is not exist, the ghost inside your head is exist and live with you forever, so whether in the offshore or onshore, the ghost from black night you must survive, the loneliest you must endure, the time that basically stop, that's what makes you insane.

I lost my sanity here, nor I always have it to begins with, you thought you could live with it because that's what you did anyway, there's no option and there won't be any option. You wouldn't know, a city with average temperature up to 38 degrees could feel this cold, where sun is shining so bright outside your dark room, but you closed every curtain, it's on you. You lost yourself because you're rejecting any light that came into your life, one thing you did is to find a way how to make a coffee that makes you sleep forever in peace, reading any information they provided, read any chemical reaction your organ would transfer to your brain once you drink it, you had a thought to dilute some acid and drink it, put a pinch of sugar so you could taste a little sweet in your bitter life that you had full responsible with.

At the end, your long last trauma is because of you, you don't need to blame anyone else again, it's on you, if one day your parent finds your cold body lying on the floor of cardboard box and they send you back from anyplace you go to, inside wood coffin. Don't leave any notes which you blame them, just write you're sorry, and they deserve a mentally stable daughter that accept any flaws in her life and man up instead of taking a shortcut like this.

Dear everyone,

If one day all those things happens, I just want to apologize, at the end, im still the same coward, at the end I can't face it alone.

anyway,

this is all that i can say

[acatnamedpusheen]

More [M]

Jaebeom x Reader

Genre: Smut (Cockwarming, vanilla sex)

Words: 1,124

Snippet: "Well, for starters, we would both lie down...and then I'd start kissing you...you'd be pulling my hair as I pick up the pace...I'd give you more...I'd touch you just enough to drive you crazy...and from there we both know how it'd go"

A/N: I know I said I'm on hiatus but this scenario suddenly popped in my head and I had to post it. I don't know where it came from honestly :")

---

"You know, I really missed you these days"

Your voice came out in the form of a sigh once you had lowered yourself on him, arms finding purchase on the expanse of his shoulders.

The groan he released from the back of his throat was enough to let you know he had been longing for that kind of contact as well.

"I'm sorry, love, I haven't had much spare time lately."

His lips on your neck made you burn, causing your fingers to run through the back of his steel black hair.

As much as you wanted for both of you to stay still, it was proving to be more difficult than you'd imagined and Jaebeom himself wasn't being much of a help either, as he kept kissing your sweet spot.

"No need to apologize, baby. Besides, I could never complain about all these photoshoots." you smirked once he had pulled away, making him chuckle, suddenly feeling shy.

Indeed all these magazine photoshoots and covers only made you feel proud of your boyfriend. It was high time his looks and work were acknowledged and you couldn't be happier about it, even if it meant you hardly ever got time to spend together.

"I'm lucky to have such successful and sexy boyfriend."

A huge smile was painted across his features. A smile capable of lighting your whole day, a smile you'd never get enough of, a smile you'd do anything so you could see it as often as possible.

"I should be the one calling myself lucky for having you. You're always there for me even when I can't be there for you."

His eyes bore into yours, hands rested on your thighs that straddled his lap.

Nights like these where special. When Jaebeom would be home at a reasonable time and you'd both be initially too tired to make love, yet needing each other's touch, you'd sit on the bed with him fully sheathed in you. Simply staying like that, connecting, talking, catching up with each other until you grow too impatient to move and end up in a slow endless cycle of pleasure leading you into the wee hours of the morning.

"That's the least I can do for you. I am and always will be here when you need me, Jaebeom. It's my promise and I'm not planning on breaking it."

His answer came in the form of a deep kiss that had your tongues dancing. You held one another tightly, driven insane by the touch of your bare skin.

Lost in the moment, you involuntarily clenched your walls around him causing him to groan against your lips.

One would think you were both just torturing yourselves, by refraining from the instant pleasure of sex, but one could never truly understand the connection you were establishing. How you craved to feel each other when no movements were involved. Reaching for your souls, touching your hearts through the physical contact of two naked bodies.

"I was thinking" you began talking, slightly out of breath once you'd broken the kiss "When you finish all your projects and you get some more time, we could go somewhere, just the two of us." your right hand went to comb a section of hair that was falling over his forehead.

"What do you have in mind, love?" he moved to rest his back against the headboard, staring at you adoringly. The slight change of position adding to the warm feeling between your legs, arms never leaving his shoulders.

"Paris maybe, or Venice. What do think?"

"I'm fine with both, you decide. I just need you, an equally beautiful city and a comfortable bed." his subtle smirk made your cheeks red and your eyes wide.

"Im Jaebeom you-" he was quick to silence you with yet another passionate kiss you couldn't resist, and you kept making out until you desperately needed some air.

"Can I move now?"

"Only if you tell me what you need that comfortable bed for." your voice barely above a whisper, as a mischievous grin brought out the tease in you.

"Well, for starters, we would both lie down..." he carefully flipped you over, your back now on the sheets.

"...and then I'd start kissing you..." his soft lips traveled from your jaw, to your neck and your collarbone, reaching the valley of your breasts, earning Jaebeom a humm of satisfaction.

"...you'd be pulling my hair as I pick up the pace..." you did as he said entangling your fingers between his locks, a moan falling from your lips when you felt him finally thrusting.

"...I'd give you more..." he took one of your breasts in his mouth with a grunt and as he kept going you let out moan after moan more frequently knowing full well how eager he was to hear every single sound you made just for him.

"Don't stop, Jaebeom, please" the sinful combination of his dirty talk and ministrations had your head spinning. Utter bliss was taking over you.

"Darling, I would never stop" his intense gaze was on you for a brief moment before he moved to your other mound.

"What would you do next?" you gathered all the fragments of sanity he'd left in you, aching to hear more of this unholy scenario in that velvet voice of his.

"I'd touch you just enough to drive you  crazy..." before you'd register what he said you gasped when his fingers came in contact with your clit. The pace he had set was slow but his thrusts were intense, pushing you closer and closer to the edge with the added stimulation of your sensitive bundle of nerves.

"...and from there we both know how it'd go." with a sharp thrust, he had you moaning his name.

Your hips were desperately chasing his own, matching the pace. Breathing heavily, you could only focus on him and the pleasure he was giving you.

It didn't take much longer for Jaebeom to reach his high and he came along with a string of groans and low moans of your name not once ceasing his actions. Before you knew it everything turned white and you were falling, flying across the thick clouds of euphoria with shallow breaths and cries of his name as your nails were slightly raking the milky skin of his back.

"Was that enough or do you want me to demonstrate some more?" he was panting, looking absolutely gorgeous in the post-sex glow. Despite knowing how he had already ruined you, he still wanted to tease you.

"Save it for later, just keep me in suspense for now." equally spent, you bit your lip suggestively, already feeling aroused by the thought of hearing and starring in his next scenario.

[sanjuan8258]

06/09/2020

I’m sitting in my room in my apartment (Cortland view @TPC) Everything was going amazing I was having so much fun I live with my best friend and we literals have been having the best time and we have over came so much together and have passed all the test of friendship so far..... I fucked up I couldn’t pay rent and he had to help me pay 2 moths of rent I payed him back already super quick...I just feel so sad, he stated that I'm acting mean and that Im changing.. truthfully I might be and  I hate that its happening. 

yet again money is a problem looks like I have not yet learned unfortunately. 

on the positive note I have lost weight and I am un the path to going back to school I know what it is to be out and proud I feel like I am so close to telling my family that I am gay.

I miss Pepe because we are like the fairy gayfaters we love to have people over and be that bitch

So I know that I got to really work on myself and really get my shit together because I am about to lose my best friend and lose the best person that has ever been in my life I need to grow up NOW and realize that the road is going to be ugly but hey the top is where im going have fun, I need to stop thinking that I am going to get judged they are literally here for me and understand everything that I will go thorugh, I need to prioritize my shit and realize that FUN isn’t everything I need to be able to say No and not in a sad way or in a boo hoo way. I got to keep going and keep climbing and realize that the people I have In my life at the moment are the ones that will be in it forever, well I hope so haha. 

I can assure you that I really don’t ever want to lose them and that I will give my everything for them I love them and I can’t imagine life with out them. they each have a meaningful part of my heart and have been there for me in different ways. they have not shown me any reason to be mean or to have my guard up at ALL so stop your shit Johnny quit being fucking stupid and realize that you WILL lose them and you will end up alone. 

I promise taht I will stop and that I will live my life as positive as I can and be happy and not see the bad in people I need to have a kind heart and with that being said, I need to have no hate in my heart and have to forgive my dad.

I would have never thought that this day would've came, until now my dad has really fucked me up and really made me miss out on so much and honestly I just need to close that part of my life and move on. 

So dad I hope that you are doing good and that you find someone to love and to actually care for. I hope that you are doing good, thank you for everything that you thought me.. thank you for making me grow up fast. I know that you lived on drugs and drinking I know you are sick I know that you did not want to be like that. I know that you could've been a really good dad. I pray that you find peace and sanity where ever you are. Im sorry that I've been such a ass to you and that I haven’t forgiven you until now I haven’t given you a 2nd chance after you tried. I know that you have failed me in the past but hey if you really didn't mean anything to me I would have let you keep trying and trying even if you failed me after and after. God bless 

[a-splash-of-stucky]

Hipster Horticulturist

Pairings: Steve & Natasha (Platonic)

Summary: “You have plants now,” she says.

Warnings: Implied canon-typical violence. Blood. Language.

WC: 1.6k

Notes: I actually adore the Steve/Nat dynamic and it’s a crying shame that I’ve never written it myself. Written for @happystevebingo using the prompt ‘Rooftop/Indoor Farming for Novices’.

consider this round 2 of my unofficial birthday celebration thingie :D

My Masterlist | Happy Steve Bingo Masterlist

She’s been hit.

Badly, but not badly enough to warrant a trip to a hospital or to a safehouse that has a proper surgical kit.

She hasn’t examined the wound up close, but she knows that it’s an ugly gash that marrs her left side, right on the edge of her body. 

At least nothing vital got nicked. 

The bleeding’s stopped for the most part, but it hurts like shit and she’s tired as fuck and honestly? A nap right now would be pretty fucking amazing, thank you very much.

She parks her dilapidated, sputtering truck a couple of blocks away from his warehouse, ‘cause old habits just can’t be shaken. She hasn’t dropped by a for a visit in a while, but she’s confident that he isn’t going to turn her way; it’s not in his nature. She fervently hopes that he’s back from that kerfuffle in Wyoming. If not, she’s going to have to shimmy her way in through his kitchen window, and that is not something that she’s inclined to do in her current state.

From the outside, the warehouse is as unassuming as it always it, with its peeling paint and crumbling roof. There’s a flickering light in the living room window, which is a pretty good indication that he’s home. Armed with that knowledge, she slips her key into the lock, punches in her passcode, and silently slips in through the front door.

The first thing she notices when she steps inside is the greenery hanging from the ceiling. There’s a collection of hanging plants arranged in two parallel rows, their leaves drooping over the sides of their clear pots. She feels as if she’s just stepped into a hipster cafe in downtown.

What the fuck?

There’s a low murmur of voices coming from the living room and she limps towards the source of the sound, wincing as the injury in her side makes itself more known. She finds Steve reclining on his couch, head pillowed on one arm, body turned towards the TV. He’s got some History Channel documentary on.

“Hi Nat,” he says, without turning to face her. “I was startin’ to think you’d forgotten about me.”

“You have plants now,” she says. It’s a statement, not a question, and a ridiculous statement at that — which is saying something, since she’s had to say some pretty outlandish things in her life.

“Nice, huh?” he says, as he pushes himself into a sitting position. It’s then that he properly takes in her appearance, notices the way she’s standing; a crease appears between his brows. Nonetheless, he continues with his train of thought.

“They’re air plants, get their water from the air. Great for people who forget to water their plants — or for people who have to go on extended missions.”

She blinks, still convinced that this is some sort of strange dream. “You’re one of those people now.”

Steve snorts, getting to his feet and stretching his arms over his head. The movement causes his t-shirt to ride up slightly, exposing a strip of his belly. “One of those people?” he echoes.

“A hipster!”

He laughs. “You make it sound like that’s a bad thing.”

“It is!”

“Is hipster even the right word for it?” he asks.

“You’re a hipster horticulturist,” she says accusingly. “I can’t believe you. How could you — betray me?”

Steve gives her one of those slow, amused smirks of his. “I think the blood loss is making you delusional,” he says calmly.

“You — ugh, fine. Whatever,” she mutters grumpily, too tired to argue any further.

She hops onto the back of the L-shaped couch and swings her legs over, eager to lie down on something soft. Tempting as it might be to just plop down carelessly, she chooses to carefully curl up in the corner of the couch, not wanting to aggravate her injuries any further.

“I was gonna put a towel under you,” Steve sighs, “Nevermind. The covers could use a wash anyway.”

Natasha grunts in response. Already, she can feel herself starting to drift off, the exhaustion slamming into her system at full force. The last thing she sees before sleep pulls her under are the books stacked neatly on the coffee table, featuring titles such as ‘Indoor Farming for Novices!’ and ‘Grow Your Home-Garden’.

Seriously. Who the fuck is this man and what the hell did he do to Steven Grant Rogers?

——

She wakes up to find that her shirt and jacket had been stripped off sometime during the night, and a white bandage had been wrapped around her middle. Already, her injury is not nearly as painful as it was when she came in. Somewhere off to her right, she can hear Steve pottering around like the hundred-year-old grandpa that he is, humming under his breath as he — wait, what is that trickling sound?

Is he watering plants?

Natasha cracks her eyes open and sits up. Gingerly. With a lot of internal swearing and grumbling about the fucking Italian mafia. Damn them.

She turns around to see Steve bent over some shelves beside the stairs.

“Mornin’!” he chirps, possibly sensing her eyes on him.

“Hi,” she croaks, voice hoarse from sleep.

“Coffee’s in the kitchen,” he tells her.

Well. That’s something.

She shuffles over to the kitchen and pours herself a large mug, groaning gratefully as the bitter, warm liquid swirls down her throat and rejuvenates her system. She cradles the mug in her hands as she pads over to Steve, eager to investigate.

As it turns out, he is indeed watering the plants. Steve’s got an impressive array of them, she discovers — succulents and tiny cacti. Some are arranged in sleek glass bowls, others in terracotta or ceramic pots. Everything’s a mish-mash of different shapes and sizes and colours, but despite the eclecticness, it all somehow manages to work together.

“Neat, huh?” Steve asks, as he straightens up. He’s wearing a black t-shirt with some faded blue jeans, and his hair’s slightly damp like he’s just come out of the shower.

“There’re a few good gardening stores around here, and at least one of ‘em has a good deal on at any time — I’ve collected these guys over the past few weeks,” he says, talking in that proud voice that one gets when they’re talking about their children.

She supposes that he’s nurtured them as if they’re his children, so it’s pretty understandable.

“This one’s my favourite,” he tells her, pointing to a stubby plant that resembles a flattened pinecone. It’s got fleshy leaves which are green towards the centre, but fade into a light red at the tips.

“I call ‘im James ‘cause he died on me, but then resurrected himself after I gave him a new home.”

Natasha blinks. There are so many things to process in that sentence.

“You give your plants names?” she squawks.

“Yeah,” says Steve, like it’s an obvious fact. “Not all of ‘em, though, just the special ones.”

Oh God. He has favourites, now.

“You uh,” she pauses, choosing her words carefully. “James because of—”

“‘Cause of Bucky, yeah,” Steve says, nodding. “Maybe that’s a bit dark and all, but I think he’d get a kick out of it if he were here.”

They are silent, for a brief moment, the air suddenly tinged with a note of sadness. Their search for Barnes has yielded them nothing, and she knows that Steve’s faith is being pushed to the limits. She wants to comfort him and say that they’ll find him, but she knows that they would both see through the lie. If the Winter Soldier does not want to be found, then the Winter Soldier shall not be found.

“Anyway, let me show you the rest of the family,” Steve says, swiftly turning the subject to happier things. He lopes off to the kitchen and gestures for her to follow. “C’mon through!”

Natasha gives a quick prayer to the heavens above and hopes that Rogers has not yet lost his sanity. He may be a hundred, but she sure as heck isn’t letting him go senile.

——

The next time she visits him, it’s two months later and the Steve has taken his gardening to the next level.

At least this visit is out of want and not because of necessity; he’s invited her over for dinner.

Natasha heads into the kitchen and sees that there are small pots lined up along the kitchen window sill, behind the sink. All manner of green plants are sprouting from the black earth, their leaves turned to catch the last rays of the sinking sun.

“I decided to experiment,” Steve tells her, as he drains the pasta. “Herbs are a little harder to keep alive — but they’re a lot more useful, so I guess you win some, you lose some.”

He dumps the drained pasta into the tomato sauce, gives everything a quick stir, then turns off the heat.

“What’re your growing?” she asks, even though she can already identify every plant on the sill, given that she’s a trained field operative, and all.

“That one’s basil,” he says, gesturing to the closest plant. “And then I’ve got parsley here, some mint, chives, and — ooh, the watercress is doing nicely, I hadn’t noticed.”

Natasha watches, a small smile on her lips as Steve tells her about each plant. He’s so — proud. There’s a smile tugging on the corners of his lips and a happy glint in his eyes. She can’t deny the fact that the plants are obviously doing something good for him.

He’s at peace, she realises. He’s found happiness out here, with his house filled to the brim with greenery.

“Y’know,” she says suddenly, interrupting Steve’s spiel about his chervil. “I got a...well, maybe ‘got’ is the wrong word, but I know a farm down in West Virginia — a big place. I could use someone to fix it up. Maybe...maybe you could see what it’s like to have a vegetable patch?”

Steve grins. “I’d like that.”

[majesticallypoeticallyinsane]

I spent so much time hiding I got lost to where no one could find me. I bounced so high I have yet to come down. Maybe, I don't want to. Maybe it's best for me to stay hidden and mysterious. It seems like nothing is changing; like im stuck doing the same things every day. The castle of my sanity as been burned down and all the remains are the aches. I am at the edge of a cliff and to keep myself from jumping off I reminisce about remarkable music I have heard and all of the aesthetic people and places I have crossed paths with.

My knuckles are red and bruised from all the anger that took me a long time to let out. I am a walking, talking breathing being. Broken-hearted but not giving up.

I've loved and I've lost, but coursing through my veins are lessons still being learned. Sleepless nights, mourning the days I lost to sadness, this life is not what I expected it to be.

Day by day, I shed the skin of who I once was before. In my dreams, I am my own savior; all things are possible there. Give me fire and I will let it burn with passion. Give me hope and I shall hold onto it. Believe in me and I will make you proud. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I would have just said no to the things I wanted to say no to and said yes to the things I wanted to say yes to.

I've had glasses my entire life but even with them on I find it hard to see; just like I find it hard to see the reason why bad things happen to good people. I drown in loneliness like an alcoholic drowns themselves in liquor. My mind begins to rot when it spends to much time in a silent room. I try to remind myself where I am is not who I am, but where ever I am is who I decide to let myself be.

I'll take as much as I can get with what little I have been given. Give me a dark room and I will admire it. The way it can swallow things whole and its ability to blind you fascinates me.

I am nowhere near perfect, but I am trying.

[my-bobohu-blog]

so i was having a conversation with @chogisad​ about uhh ot9 emo-l times so i really wanted to make this post to just… jot down all my feelings about ot9 and exo and address all the negative energies regarding everything that’s been happening as of late? and i know that this really isn’t necessary in any way shape or form, but i really just wanted to do it for me. so i guess this is gonna be a really long post filled with a lot of hope and optimism and positivity for exo’s present and future as ot9 and if you’re interested in that, then by all means continue reading under the cut~

i remember back in 2015 when we experienced our first major Yixing Drought. his studio had just opened in china and he was being flooded with jobs and all the opportunities working in his homeland offered that korea could never give him. i remember being so endlessly proud of him but missing him a lot too. 

because here the rest of exo were in korea doing cf’s and other work and then they went on to do the japan tour without yixing :( and it hurt? because performing at the tokyo dome was such a big deal to them but there were only 8 members and it hurt so much not seeing yixing with them for like 1-2 months? or more? i don’t remember how long the drought lasted but it was our first real Yixing Drought in the fandom. 

and i remember seeing all these theories and conspiracy posts how sm was trying to push yixing out of exo and there was just so much ot8 propaganda- regardless if it came from hurting xingmi’s or actual ot8 stans… there was just so much negativity surrounding everything because yixing just… wasn’t there. and we as fans knew next to nothing and sm, as always, kept their official announcement last minute and vague as hell like when they announced yixing wouldn’t be participating in the japan tour bc of schedules AFTER selling tickets for the concerts DESPITE yixing being like the most popular member in japan. and it was fucking scary. 

hell, we just lost tao after cmb and here we are freshly ot9 and hoping and praying that the next comeback we wouldn’t lose another member. yixing as the last chinese member standing- the only true mark that sm had ever tried breaking into the chinese market with exo at all. and we were scared and terrified because what if sm was pushing him out? what if they were trying to faze him out of exo completely?

and i remember sing for you being ot9 but promoting as x8 members and i kept waiting for someone to mention yixing but they never did? and i was so frustrated bc all these other young groups can mention members who were missing because of injuries or schedules but why couldn’t exo??

doesn’t this all sound familiar? 

but sfy had that memorable showcase moment with yixing breaking and crying and telling us and his members how sorry he was but he reminded us that he was exo too. and bbh was there to reassure us that yixing may be busy overseas, but wherever he goes- yixing still wears the exo name proudly and does this entire fandom proud too. 

and i remember the days leading up to MAMAs in 2015 and we were all sitting there staring at our screens with baited breath waiting to find yixing airport pictures because there was no evidence he was going to hong kong for MAMAs yet and really? how the hell could exo go to this major awards ceremony without yixing? but we were so scared. but he pulled through and he showed up and he gave his finger wagging speech and we all cried and it was good and we were happy and things were okay.

and then things got better when ex’act dropped with The Peak ot9 moments of life and we had ot9 THRIVING! we had family pictures, xingdae came back from the dead, baekxing were inseparable, even chanxing were good and well and capturing hearts of fans. like it was just So Good!!! 

ex’act was really exo telling all of us to not worry. the members weren’t going anywhere. ot9 is here to stay as long as we would have them. and they loved us and they loved each other and everything would be okay. 

even though exo never mentions yixing when they win music shows like how other groups do, i think that’s just because those groups aren’t built the way exo were. i mean exo literally started as k and m and half their group was always away in china promoting because that was Their Job. and i think it’s just a different mentality you know? maybe exo always just knows that when they win, it’s for the whole group. that they don’t need to explicitly call out a missing member because We Are One or something lmao. and i remember during MAMAs 2013 when they won song of the year for growl… kyungsoo wasn’t there bc boy twisted his ankle to no end and had to go to the hospital. but i don’t think they mentioned him missing. and i think… that’s just how exo is. but idk. i think it’s something we’ll never know because we’re not in their minds. 

but we DO know that exo cherishes yixing so much. you can see it in their eyes whenever yixing does a speech in chinese and everyone is just so happy he’s there and they’re so proud of him. you can tell because they ALWAYS hand him the mic when he’s with them at music shows ALWAYS and they make sure he gets to say what he wants to say. and they cheer him on and they support his solo and they love him absolutely so so so much.

… and now here we are. 

and i know there are a lot of doubts and worries going into this repackage and everything. and i honestly don’t know how to start addressing things… but i really want to try. 

with kkb, we all knew it was heavily delayed. i think sm had full intentions of having an ot9 comeback with it being their 5th anniversary / 4th full album comeback. like… it was just common sense. but THAAD happened and political situations/international relations is just out of our/their control. china put a ban on skorea travel. there was a lot of negative energy surrounding it and yixing literally COULD NOT go to korea or even do anything related to exo (ex: the lotte world sponsorship and the amount of backlash that received because of china’s beef w/ lotte for giving up property for the missiles) 

anyways- what i’m trying to say is that sm tried. they delayed the comeback that was probably planned for early summer because they needed to see how this would all play out. they couldn’t do anything about it but wait. that was literally the only option. and yixing is in china with his own studio and he’s waiting too- but everyone has to keep proceeding with business as usual and that means yixing planning schedules that bleed into later months and that means sm going forth with x8 member comeback for kkb. 

and with how delayed kkb was and how sm needed to do exo’s repackage sooner rather than later (for the whole Drama of the Symbolism of the eclipse and shit) i think sm was really pressed for time and things were falling apart rather than together. yixing’s solo album was probably slated for late summer after the kkb comeback focusing his sales and promotions in china. then the repack would (my hope) be ot9 for september and all things would just happen as they should. but with the kkb delay, i think sm realized there wouldn’t be enough time for yixing’s solo. and maybe they thought it’d be best to push it to xingtober anyways. 

and god, im not saying sm makes good decisions because we all know that’s a crapshoot but what i’m saying is that maybe sm tried. there are a lot of things WE AS FANS DO NOT KNOW and just for my sanity, i want to give sm the benefit of the doubt this time. i honest to god think they tried the best they could with ot9 given all the shit that has happened this year. am i saying they did a good job? not really no. because im still stressed as hell and mad and dissatisfied with a lot of things… but i think they did try.

yixing has been seen traveling back and forth btwn china and korea a lot and we don’t know why. sm hasn’t released any official statement on yixing’s participation in the repackage… and i don’t know if that’s something that’s good or bad or if that should be expected or not?

but i honest to god do not believe in any of those posts saying that sm is trying to push yixing our or faze him out or anything. i just don’t. 

i trust yixing. just a few days ago he said he didn’t want to disappoint his group. HIS group. jongdae literally hung out with him and they had lunch together not too long ago either. like maybe a month ago? and it was so lowkey and so precious and so xingdae. and junmyeon said during their vlive that they’d be on stage with yixing soon. and i really truly believe them. because i think sm is trying too. i think all the boys are doing the best they can to handle whatever the hell the situation is. whether it’s political (THAAD) or schedules or other plans sm has… i think they’re trying. and i believe in them. 

and i know i probably sound recklessly optimistic and y’all can tell me that i’m boo boo the fool and that i’m gonna have all my hopes crushed and i’m gonna be disappointed… and maybe so. but i’m not strong enough to crush my own hopes when they already exist. and i have so much hope in exo, i don’t think i could ever willingly do that to myself and tell myself that this is gonna be worst case scenario. i need to believe in the best of our boys just for my sanity’s sake. and god… i really really hope and pray that this repackage is ot9 because i can’t imagine how i would feel if it wasn’t. AT LEAST ALLUDE TO OT9 YA KNOW??? THROW IN SOME LIKE NON SUBTLE HINTS LIKE STRAIGHT UP HAVE A SILHOUETTE OF YIXING SHOW AT THE END OF SMTH LIKE GUESS THAT POKEMON IDK??? JUST… i need to believe in something and i want to believe in ot9 and exo.

and maybe we get an ot9 repack or maybe we get an x8 comeback with a bomb ass yixing solo album soon and maybe we get ot9 back again someday soon and the fandom can breathe again.

sigh okay. i think i’ve said everything i’ve wanted to say. there are some other thoughts i have but i don’t want to mention them just because it’s not something i want to entertain until the mv drops and we know for sure what the deal is.

sigh okay. bye bye. too much writing.

[survivor-rebelsvsroyals]

EPISODE 2- I made an oopsie!! - Asya

HEY GUYS WELCOME BACK TO MY CHANNEL lmfaooo it’s been so damn long i’m so rusty but we’re here and we're doing this ladies! Going into this I was worried it was gonna be a ton of new school people I didnt know who were all friends but I was fairly pleased that I actually know a good majority of the cast and I know everybody on my tribe except Anabel which is WILD. I didn't expect to know that many but its great. I’m gonna talk a bit about everybody then ill go into more: Anabel is the one person I didn’t know coming in but i’ve heard she’s super social which is MY THING so i gotta watch my back with that. We’ve had fun conversations though so nothing bad to say yet Dane Dane Dane where do I start? I don’t trust him one bit. I know we can have fun conversations but because of personal things with my friends I will forever watch my back with him because i’m a stubborn protective Mama Bear. Ryan and I already talked about getting him out lmfao Gloria has always been sweet to me but I have to figure out how to talk game with her. I’ve never actually played with her myself before just been in VLs or a jury host for a game shes in or something so this is a different perspective. Im not sure how its gonna go yet. Linus is my TUMBLR SURVIVOR BUDDY HERE LMFAOO Ive played with people on this tribe before but I don’t think i’ve played TS with anybody else? Either way we played to the end of Myanmar- oh wait excuse me ALMOST THE END BECAUSE OF A DUMB TWIST but yeah I honestly trust him alot because if I remember correctly he wasnt afraid to make moves but he was straight up with me and I appreciate that I’d rather someone be blunt with me and I dont like what they say than deal with a shady bitch! Also we just have good conversations imo and I think we’d be on the same wavelength talking game so he’s definitely someone I wanna work with Pippa is a SWEETIE I always love talking to her we can talk musicals all day all night but with her schedule we’ll have to see how much shes here because idk if she’s gonna be that into it tbh Ruthie is another sweetie but shes also smart and she knows i’m smart so I gotta watch she won’t kick my ass and stab my back singing Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Ryan Matthew OK SO RYAN AND I HAVE A WILD HISTORY we always either love or hate eachother and so far we’ve decided this is a love game? Hopefully it’s legit but we’ll see im sure he’d flip on my ass if he felt like it lmfao but i’m gonna take it for what it is right now. We both don't trust dane and want him gone so I think right now we’re kinda following that “the enemy of your enemy is your friend” kinda motto. I actually wanna work with him this time though so we’ll seeeee RTP is always a blast I don't remember if i’ve actually ever played with him before but we’re both old as fuck in this community so we’ve been around the BLOCK. I know he knows how shit goes so he’ll probably pick up on bullshit quick so I wanna keep him on my good side! I definitely can see myself working with him Seamus i’ve always assumed is a hot ass mess lmfaooo he’s another one i dont remember if i’ve actually played with but I dont know if I trust him we had fun chats but idk how much I’ll trust him as a strategist but we havent gotten to that kind of discussion so we’ll see how that goes. For the most part I have general vibes/ experiences with these people on their own but I don’t know how they’re gonna mesh together so I really gotta watch them all and try to sort it out. I really think I can be in a good spot on this tribe and weasel my way through it but I have to calculate it PERFECTLY. These people aren’t newbies all of us have been here before and know how this works. I’m gonna work my social, be decent in the challenges and keep my mouth zipped while I try and figure our where everyone lies. I haven’t honestly really tried in a game in a long time and if people have forgotten what i’m capable of when I give a shit I can use that to my advantage. So i just gotta try and gage where everyone falls. STAY TUNEDDDD ALSO I JUST WANNA SAY MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE I KNOW I COULD TRUST ARE ON THE OTHER TRIBE AND IM SAD I wanna work with them 😩😩😩 I need Dan Coffeycakes and Asya to get to swap but I'm also praying to the survivor Lorde™️ for the Royals so I don't die lol i’ll give more entertaining updates as thing progress but I just wanted to knock out the basic intro update ok byeeeeeeee 😘

THE GAME HAS OFFICIALLY COMMENCED AND I AM IMMEDIATELY SHOOK. My number one ally and my friend or die and most importantly my friend got first boot but I’m proud of myself that I didn’t sell myself out and didn’t vote him. So the vote was 7-1-1-1 7 Keaton 1 nic 1 Lachie 1 Raffy which was me After the tribal finished I told everyone on call (Chloe Asya Lachie and Raffy) THST I voted Raffy because I had already told John anyway and I didn’t want it to get spread around so I came clean and I can just hope they all respect me for it. I gotta take it day by day and continue to build and maintain bonds. I wanna see if I can’t build a majority alliance I gotta go balls to the wall and leave no stone unturned because for my own sanity I want no regrets when I’m eventually voted out. I think Raffy respected that I can’t clean and that our game relationship can be worked on from here.

Tribal was absolutely crazy. Keaton just popped the fuck off on everyone. He was the fourth crackhead that we needed, but didn't deserve. Asya, Lachie, and I being in an alliance? Nic controlling the game? Absolutely wild. The most interesting thing for me is that Brien voted me. I get that you know Keaton personally, but that just tells me that you will always choose your pre-existing relationship over me. It makes me hesitant to work with Brien since I don't know if he has anymore of these relationships throughout the game. I need to be careful what I say to him and how I come across from now on. I'm still playing the social game, talking with everyone, making sure things are going well for them. Hopefully it continues to go well and I can position myself into multiple alliances, but I don't know if I want to get that messy just yet. This two day challenge enables me to branch out my social game, so that's a plus. John brought up an alliance with Asya and Lachie that would include the Crackheads. However, he meant it as a joke. I wouldn't be entirely opposed to such an alliance. Though I would replace Lachie with someone else like Brien or Nic. It's just that I talk the least with Lachie and Asya so it would go pretty terrible in my opinion. We have to talk about that on call soon.

*a little while later*

Brien wants to start an alliance with me, him, John, Nic, and either Chloe/Trace. It would be a majority alliance, but I need to tell the Crackheads about it. We all need to be on the same page about things, otherwise we'll be a hot mess of an alliance (more so than we already are). Personally, I'd be perfectly fine with that kind of alliance, it'll give me the majority that I so desperately want.

i’m gonna cry i have no time to do this challenge i hate this i hate isaac pls let someone be the dummy who doesn’t submit at all so i don’t get 19th

Calling John and Raffy is like the highlight of my day

*a few minutes later*

"I need to find a shirt that I don't mind getting wet" - John 2K19 

 So what I'm hearing from that is he doesn't wash his clothes

My tribe is absolutely THRIVING and I’ve never been happier. I know I’ll see tribal one day but until then it’s nice to have another night off! I can go about my day not scrambling around to make sure I’m good! Now to search for the idol HMM

It sucks that we lost the challenge again. It's really bringing down morale. Because of this, I do think the next vote is going to be based on challenge performance which I take issue with. The two who did the worst are Chloe and Asya which means it's a pretty clear cut choice for me of who goes. It sucks because I like Asya a lot, but she just hasn't been as active as I would like her to be. At the end of the day, however, I just have to let it go and focus on the now. I'm not going to be pushing for Asya, but I sure hope she goes instead of Chloe.

i made an oopsie !!! was the lowest scoring person in the whole game so that’s hot !!! don’t feel good about my chances this round since in the early game, challenge strength IS what you have to go off of. but i’ve had good conversations w people and i will continue to build on that til i’m gone. i think i have a solid grasp on dan, chloe and lachie. like i don’t think they’ll vote me. i think i’m getting along well w brien? idk. there’s also that one unaccounted for stray vote from last round so like. much to consider. i just need 4 people to not vote for me and i’m fine. who i’m voting for? wish i knew !!

I was talking to Nic about the vote and he brings up two names: Chloe and Asya. I obviously preferred Asya to go so I said that to him. Then, not 5 seconds later, I hear from Chloe that Asya came up to her saying that I threw Asya's name out. Obviously Nic told Asya that I said her name. He's a little snake. I want him out of this game because he cannot be trusted with any information right now. I'm trying to leverage the situation in my favor by spreading that Nic told me it was Asya. So, something needs to be done.

*a little while LATER (you know the drill, this man talks A LOT)*

I'm currently talking to Lachie and Trace. However, Nic has also gotten to them too. I don't like this gut feeling that I am getting voted out. Apparently, Trace is onboard with getting Asya out according to Nic. Furthermore, Chloe told me that Asya is confused about what is happening with this vote. I am trying to confuse her. I told her that her name is getting thrown around, but I want to keep her. I need to keep this up till tribal in order to keep myself safe. Paranoia is the best coverage. Honestly, Nic going right now would not be bad. However, I need to make my play carefully

*literally like six seconds later*

Nic is very shady. The Crackheads want to vote out Nic now instead of Aysa. Chloe suggested making an alliance with Lachie and Asya to vote him out this tribal council. This only works if the two of them are online and agree. Lachie seems down for it, but Asya is a mystery. I just have a feeling that things are going to blow up in our faces. Hopefully, we can make a big move, but if Asya doesn't respond then nothing can happen.

Everyone is confused

ok SO im now in an alliance w me dan nic trace and brien which like?? is not the alliance i envisioned myself in but idc because thats majority and im not trying to go home tonight. with that group not an option i kinda wanted to push for raffy to go so i brought up how like aggressive he is and not even a second later nic tells me that raffy is saying my name so like. it's time for that man to go. did i flop in the challenge? yes, but i know how to talk my way out of a bad situation and thats what im gonna do. mark my words, raffy is getting voted out tonight. keaton made points!

*exactly 11 minutes later*

ok so... ignore everything i just said. it's been wiped from the record. never happened. i'm officially aligned with everyone on my tribe one with myself, dan, brien, trace and nic, and another with myself, chloe, raffy, john and lachie. alliance one is voting raffy, alliance two is voting nic. I ! AM ! THE SWING ! shook. if i don't get a vote tonight then... my fucking mind but... there will be consequences no matter what i do. at this point in time, i think that nic is a snake. raffy is a bigger target, and if he makes the swap he will keep making himself a target. nic is sneaky and will slide thru this game. so. i think my mind is made up

The Godfathers Alliance is officially set in stone. With this, we can make a move against Nic who is very talkative. Now we have a majority alliance that will dominate this tribe. I'm winning in this stage of the game.

The royals are killing it and I’m so proud of this tribe. So far I’m not a part of any official alliance, there’s been very little actual game talk, but Dane and I are both saying we won’t vote each other if we lose, and Seamus and I started sharing idol guesses. I wish there was more I could say but really when it comes to talking the tribe is kinda a bunch of lame ducks right now. A loss would probs change that, but it’s a slow burn atm.

Dan was messaging Asya about voting Nic, so we are trying to bring him into the vote in order to lessen the blindside. Plus, if we let Dan think he's in control, then we can put the heat on him in case of a potential blindside.

I'm sharing my idol guesses with Amanda and Ryan. I kind of made a F2 with both of them and they're my dream f3 but I have no idea how they feel about each other. But idk i guess im kind of fake. Tried my best at immunity, I hate scav hunts!!!!!!! But thank god we won immunity I never wanna go to tribal. I wanna be immune until f2.

[survivormalibu]

“Spoiler Alert: Darian is about to get played so hard.” - Tyler F. - Episode 4

That was the worst vote in the history of the world. I'm so sad Kylie is gone. They didn't care about being voted out, but like, they're Andrew's irl friend. I'm just shook that they took it so well. I just wish things had gone differently. Like, the main person who I am sus about it Luke and I would have liked to get him out, especially since he doesn't trust Andrew or I anymore. I just hope things can work out and that this tribe can stay strong so that we cane be strong come a swap or merge. I really like this tribe, esp Molly and Andrew and Tyler and Owen. So like, the others are great, but like, if it comes to it, I'm sorry, I have to do what I have to do to keep myself safe, and I can't guarantee that you will do that.

REGAN HAS AN IDOL!!! SHIT!!! HOW can i vote her out with a freaking idol

So happy we didn't have to go to tribal. So proud of the team honestly everyone had really good scores. I really hope that the tribes stay the same a little longer but for some reason I have my doubts. But I hope I'll still be on a tribe where we kick butt in challenges and are also really cool. Hoping for the best! I feel like the connections and conversations I had on the beach will really help me when tribes switch. But you never know. I just need to make it a little farther man. I gotta get to jury. And then I can have 7 mental breakdowns before the end of the game. Haha. Havin a really great time playing. It was great that I actually knew this game. It really helped my score. I really didn't think I could ever put up decent scores for comps but I'm really happy that I didn't let my tribe down yet. Honestly. I don't know what to do with this game. Everyone in this game is really nice like idk what to do with alliances. I was in Ana alliance with Nicholas Colin and Julia. But then Julia quit and I don't know how their feeling about it. Sigh.

Okay, so Darian thinks that Regan is going to get her hands on the idol, and he wants the vote to split next time we go to tribal.  On who?  Probably Ty, which means a move might have to be made a bit earlier than most of us want.  In the case that Regan finds the idol, it's time to plant seeds in her head that Darian was questioning her integrity and questioning if she had an idol or not.  Once those seeds get planted, I hope a tree grows, because I'm not losing Ty in this game.  He's the only real source of protection I have, and he's the only person I can truly trust.

REGAN IF YOUR READING THIS. IM SOOOOO FUCKING SORRY. if what i am about to write is what came true. Than that means that you went home. Every word i have said to you up until the day we lost this challenge has been soo true. i think your a sweetheart i think given a different circumstance we would be great teammates together. I kept you in as the last person from the minority because i honestly think you are amazing. I was hoping that we wouldn't go to tribal and that we could make it to merge and be a big happy beauty tribe. but we flopped and i have to look out for my friends. As you may or may not know. Me and casey are BEST FRIENDS. Like we have the same 7 classes everyday in HS. and at one point i lived with her. So i couldn't vote her off. Brian is the sweetest kid ever and has been a blessing to my sanity ever since aeolians. Sending consistent good mornings for OVER a year. and tyler is his ride or die. and he's become pretty close to me as well.. So that left michael zach and you on the outside. and sadly the other two are gone. Im so sorry So. We lost. and now we have to somehow take out the one person on our tribe that has an idol. Ok. So. Thats going to be fun. So we have to convince regan that the vote is for someone other than herself so that way we can blindside her. She has only told me about her idol so clearly she trusts me the most. So I came up with a plan to BLOW up at the Casey Brian and Tyler calling them all the names in the book and making them hate me.Or so she thinks. We have decided to put three votes to regan one to brian and than whoever regan votes. So when we go to tribal she will think that they will have all voted me. and if she plays her idol. I stay. BUT when she plays her idol no votes will be casted for me. and regan will go home. but we also thought of if this doesn't work and she catches drift of our plan. than we need to make sure she doesnt have control in who gets idled out. So just to make sure we at least can put it to a tie. We throw one vote to brian. It will go to a revote and brian has volunteered to go to the resort and fight his way back. God i hope this works

I'M SO ANNOYED. I found an idol so yay me. But like I told darian my closest ally okay. And then also we had tribal and Zach left because he asked to but Zach is coming back omg so happy. And then anyway darian spilled the tea on me having an idol and said he was throwing the challenge and Tyler told me this. I'm pissed. Then after the challenge he blows up on everyone but me which is super sketchy like sketchy af. And like I love darian as a person but as a game player yikes.  And then like we all want him gone but do I play.my idol who knows

So this mess...  W H E W.  Regan is supposed to vote Darian.  Darian's voting for me.  Tyler wants to vote with me, and he wants me to vote with him for Darian.  Casey will vote Regan.  Basically, I decide the vote with Ty, and this could be the messiest thing ever.  No matter what, I'm fucking someone over, but like... Y I K E.  I'm so scared.  I think Regan's playing her idol on herself, so I don't think it's going to be a fun time no matter what. -crosses fingers- Hope I'm still here tomorrow! @@@@@@

I feel kinda bad for pulling this kind of thing on Regan, lying to her and making her use her idol on Darian while we vote her out, and I hope it doesn't come up later and bite me in the ass, but it's something that has to be done...

We about to flip this whole game upside down. Tbh I wasn't even gonna tell brian I was gonna vote for darian anyway. Spoiler Alert: Darian is about to get played so hard. I like the guy. But game wise, I don't like people who play like him and I don't like people thinking they control me and tell me what to do.