#im not saying to forgive someone who did unforgivable things; they do exist and somethings are not worthy of forgiveness

[castielsprostate]

prev tags: you just have to say fuck it!!!! don't serve man!!! dont serve heaven or highwater!!! dont serve anyone but cunt and yourself!!!! you are your only YOU!!! and you HAVE to take care of yourself!!!! fuck the noise!!!!! bark and grrr and bite and BE SILLY!!!!!! embrace life with its fullest potential because it's literally made for you!!!!!!!! you were made to live!!!!!!!! to experience!!!!!!! to BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

very long answer under the cut↓

im sorry if this makes zero actual sense and it's so rambly and probably a bit deranged but i hope it can help in any way, so first and foremost,

im not gonna lie. it's a very, very long and emotionally draining process, and im not there yet, yknow? im not 100% at the point where i can say I Am Worth It™, because getting to that point is searching into your deepest and darkest part of your soul and saying fuck everyone else. I don't serve you, I only serve myself, and nurture my soul by what mother nature gave, and hold my own heart and my own hand and never, ever letting go of what i want to make of myself.

it involves so many tears, screaming, going mad over the same little thing over and over. it involves so much hurt, hurt you're going to have to let yourself feel! some wounds don't mend, some never will, but allowing yourself to exist. to be. it's so important. it's so important to let yourself feel everything, to not tell yourself to tuck it away or hide it or fling it into the depths.

and a lot, of course, it comes with age. it comes with the understanding of loss and grief and euphoria and love. it lives in the wrinkles and the blemishes, the uneventful days and the most overwhelming of sensations. im only 21, im basically a baby that's just now entering the world, but my entire teenage years, half my childhood, i spent worrying that i was not enough. that it was me, and not the system created ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty, forty or so decades before i, or you, even took that first breath. in this world, you are so conditioned to hate yourself. you're never enough, you're never the sacrificed for, you are not what little they have made of you. You are everything you want to be. you are everything you can be. you are you. and that's what matters.

and of course, you're going to equate every single bad thing that's happening or happened to you to that it is you. that you are what caused the rain, that you are what caused the drought, that you are what caused your parcel to be late, or what made the curtain rod fall to the ground .you could've always done more, said less, said exactly the right things, been there, gone away. the could'ves and the would'ves and the should'ves, the holy trinity of self doubt. you are always going to say it was you. and it's so hard to break that cycle, it's so hard to see that, no, it wasn't me, it wasn't just me. things just happen. call it acts of god or fate, call it the gravitational pull, written in the stars, waves in the water, time and the place, whatever you want. things. just. happen. and they do NOT equate to your self worth. they do not define you. they do not know you. it's about balance, it's not black and white; it's every single colour in between. it's the red and the blue and the green, yellow, pink, lavender, and brown, cyan, lime.. it's everything and nothing all at once. it's being there, it's being away, it's being yourself, it's being someone else, it's you and it's no one.

you have to choose your own destiny, you have to wade your own path through the water and not let others drag you back to the shallow when the deep is where it happens. the deep water is scary and too easy, it's decidedly dark and blindingly light, it's ice cold and boiling hot, it's too much, it's too little, it's out there and it's nowhere. it's existing, it's being, it's living, it's breathing, it's thinking, it's doing...

it's trusting yourself.

it's trusting yourself when no one else does, it's trusting yourself when you can't, it's trusting yourself when you're not there, it's trusting yourself when you don't and can't know, it's trusting yourself when even life doesn't. and you're the only person that can do that. even if you have to drag yourself to get there, you have to crawl, you have to scuttle like a beetle, you have to beg yourself to allow yourself to trust you.

and celebrate the small victories. got out of bed? that's a victory. brushed your teeth? another one. got some chores done? boom, victory. went to work? there you have another one. read a book you really wanted to read? absolutely a victory. did grocery shopping? victory! and you know what's also a victory? admitting you didn't brush your hair and that's okay. admitting that you didn't vacuum today and that's okay. admitting you went to bed way too late and got up way too late and that? that's okay. those are victories also, because you're, well, trusting yourself. you start to understand yourself. you start to experience what it's like to be yourself. and tomorrow? tomorrow will be another day for another victory.

the same goes for loss, really. it's okay to lose, it's okay to fail, it's okay to grieve, it's okay to not live up to the world's expectations because they're not the ones that matter. the only ones that matter are the ones you set for yourself. live up to those, and the things you see as losses, like not making your bed or not doing enough laundry or not showering or not giving your all at work; they aren't loses anymore. they become small victories because you're able to admit to yourself, to the one you should trust the most, that it's okay. you're okay. you're still breathing. the world is still turning. the light is still shining. you are still your own.

and a part of it is becoming selfless, to give a piece of you back to where you came from, whether it's your parents or your community or nature. it's trusting that part of you with that of what you know, of what formed you in the first place. and in giving that piece, you have become you. you are what you've made of yourself, and that alone. you are, well, you. not you that's being held together by the pieces of your youth or the pieces of your past, you're being held together by the grip of your own hand and the strength of your own mind. you are made whole by YOU. you carry the experiences with you, always, you carry the people that helped you with you, always, but all that? that is being carried, cared for, nurtured, loved by. you.

and lastly, this may be the hardest of it all; allow yourself to forgive. forgive your mother's rage, forgive your father's absence, forgive nature's wrath. forgive yourself. forgive your flaws, forgive your mother's expectations of you, forgive your tears and your anger, forgive your hate. forgive you because you are to be forgiven. you are worthy but also you are good and bad, you are the light and the dark, you are the air and the earth, you are the waves and you are the fire, you are the brave and you are the scared, you are the summer and the winter, you are life and you are death and you are every single thing in between. you.

when you do walk hand in hand with yourself, you are what you made. you are what you are. you self actualised, because the good doesn't happen to even out the bad and the bad doesn't happen because something good happened. it. just. happened. and you self actualised the acceptance and you embraced everything in between.

self actualisation is so wild. i literally am worth it, and i LITERALLY!!!! am enough!!!! and i am literally deserving of all the good in my life!!!!

[roguesnezblog]

Trigger warning - Vent stuff (Suicide, bullying etc.) I am not feeling great. And I'm going to censor everything below if you don't want to read. But this post I wanted to make, one, for my own benefit. mentally, but I also feel like people who are in the same position as me could use an understanding ear. So...

Feeling real horrible. Like I shouldn't exist. To put it bluntly. Making the rounds of depression again. I want to type this out here and will most likely delete this later because being vunerable on the internet is not exactly, sometimes, met with anything good.

I won't go into detail on as to why either, since opening up about things you've done is usually weaponized online too. But lets say this: I have been made to feel, in some online spaces, that, My existance and presense should be eradicated.

I have been treated this way by these people for years. Over 5 years now. I had been bullied, and called horrible things, been witch hunted all the works that online crap can bring. And most people are in agreement, I should get over it by now. Who scares if a few people don't like you, don't want you around them? They have a right to believe that, and it's not like I didn't deserve it.

And I suppose in truth a part of me agrees. I dont expect approval, nor do I expect to be liked, a part of me rationally knows this. Not everyone online is going to be on a sympathetic understanding side of things.

But another part of me creeps back. You see, during this time, when people turned on me violently, for mistakes I've made and regret, I got low. Real low. Suicide low. I figured I was diplorable. Unforgivable. Disgusting. I felt like I should be punished. I did. Yanno. Self harm. A lot.

I figured the world would be better. Easier, if I wasn't in it. They made me believe this.

But I was always in conflict with reality. You see online isn't really half of my life. I have good parents, not perfect, but good. And a family who cares about me, and deep down, I knew if I was gone, if anyone, they would suffer for it.

So ...Suicide wasn't really an option. Not properly.

I had no choice but to endure lots of inflammatory comments, being excluded, distanced, the community (not this one) I wanted to feel a part of, and enjoy a love of drawing was...cruel.

I could rant more about what they did. How much they alienated and hurted me, broke down my character and warped me into this...percieved monster. But theres no point. And yanno I don't want to get into details like I said.

But a part of me still thinks that Im not a victim here. That I deserve it.

It's the rest that feels inconsolable. I don't want to die. I don't want to feel like thats the only option for me. To be erased. And think how much easier it would be for everyone else that I didn't exist.

But I want to be a kind person. I don't want to make people uncomfortable with my presense, or existance.

I shouldn't spare mercy to people who don't care. I know...But it's hard not to think when for your entire life you've been messed up.

Im pretty sure being some kinda autistic or at least neurodivergant doesn't help...(I haven't got diagnosed yet. Being a part of british NHS sucks. It would take me 5 years to get someone to see me. So they told me, and I'm considering private, but that costs 2,000 pounds and...Im scared honestly)

Anyway.

This feeling is often met with apathy, or "just don't think about it" by friends and family, who know somewhat about all this.

But it's hard.

It's heavy.

I just wish forgiveness could be an option. The mistakes I made, I learned from, and have never done again. But it's not enough.

It feels like this unending maw, gaping and cavernous. Swallowing me whole until it leaves nothing but that mistake left. They make it me. It's all I am. My identity. I am a literal monster to them. Something to fear like a boogeyman.

Not a dumb young adult who had no idea what they were doing.

I am nearly 30 now. I regret being stupid. Not knowing things, being ignorant and not just....being more calm at the time, but when people jump on you, you panic.

I have dug this hole. I know that... but it feels like I was forced to.

And the prolonged suffering, it's just....

I was happy for a time. You know? The fear and guilt lifted about a year ago for a while. When I found people who appriecate me, who care and want me around in that community, My confidence for a while was up. And I felt like I COULD exist. Live again, and be in spaces without feeling like I was a leech. I was happy and even talked to people in calls. I didn't have nightmares and I didn't feel like I needed to quit my freelance work.

There was...a couple of incidents, where I let my confidence blind me, approached people who haven't forgiven me, and told me to fuck off.

Which I did, to be fair...like I say: I don't have to be friends with everyone.

But...recently, the community pool has gotten thin. Drama happened (not to do with me, thank fuck, I couldn't deal with that stress I feel terrible for the people who have to endure it.) and spaces that were safe have been deleted. And the people who scorn me are now making a new space for them to pool into.

I've been excluded from that space.

That doesn't bother me, I have friends who will remain by my side. And this kinda happens everyone 6 months or so that people move spaces. But-

It's gut wrenching, to feel safe and forgiven. And then to be reminded that no, infact; You can't escape.

My friends will stay in spaces I feel safe in. And I know really- I'm not gonna loose much. But to be reminded that your existance would rather be purged? It's...not a fun feeling. Not to feel especially due to the struggles I've been facing and facing hard these past few months.

I suppose by writing all this, and saying all this, I just can't help but wonder in this mind space...Is it me? My fault? My brain is the one doing this...I am jumping from: Oh people I don't even like don't want me around? Better go die.

I made the mistake in the end....And this is my punishment. My torment for making a mistake.

It's ridiculous really...I shouldn't be feeling this way. But yet I am....I feel hopeless, empty. Sullen. Like theres no point, like all I feel and have been doing to grow, and move on....it doesn't matter. Because nothing changes.

I'm not sure exactly why Im writing this, or why Im even sharing these feelings, perhaps I just want people to talk to. Much as I love my friends, they get uncomfy talking like this... They can be dismissive and they don't really want to find a solution or confront it. I am just told to "forget it" and such. As I said before. But it doesn't help you know?

Putting this out there, it may make it worse...Which honestly; I fear. People online can look at something like this and use it to try make you worse, or kill yourself. Like....some people really just...get a kick out of making you feel like crap.

Im sure this is a sentiment that a lot of people, a lot of you, understand. It's cruel. Bullying and....I wish it would go away, not just for me, but for all of us....But I also hope a part of this can....maybe help someone?

That...something like this, isn't unusual....(unfortunately) and that some of you out there have been through the same thing...or are currently going through the same thing. And if thats the case...As someone who is feeling it at the current moment I want to say this to you:

You matter. You deserve to exist. You CAN live. And ...so long as you learn from your mistakes...That doesn't make you an evil, or even just a bad, person. You're a good person. You're a good person if you want to be better.

And....for you. I will keep this in mind for myself too. I fucked up. Maybe you did too...But we can be fuck ups together.

--------------------------------------------------------

I am not ok, but I think I will be. Admittedly, I could just not post this, but I think theres some value somewhere in this rant. I think it should be heard by some.

[meltypes-blog]

sakura seeds

[because the shared post looks weird as hell on desktop im putting the story in text post format] ao3 link

Hanzo Shimada hated himself.

That much was obvious.

He hated himself as he trained, the muscles on his arms and back straining until they cascaded tears of sweat, until his entire body burned and ached for rest. He hated himself while he ate, the simple pleasure of sweet and savory foods on his tongue only serving as a reminder of one other thing he had deprived his own kin from. He hated himself while he mediated, as if he could fool his brain into thinking that peace and quiet could erase the tumult in his mind and smooth over the jagged errors of his past.

His self hatred was apparent even on his countenance, his “RBF” as Genji had called it. Hanzo’s disgust for himself was soul deep, a seed that had planted itself in his heart since the first day his father had instructed him to murder in cold blood (“the master of the clan must protect the clan”) and had dug its claws deep the minute his blade had grazed Genji’s skin. His entire life was a culmination of all the wrong choices one could make, and it turned him into a bitter being, one that only survived out of the reasoning that even death was too honorable for him at that point.

His existence was unforgivable.

“You know I forgive you, Hanzo.” The brothers were seated on one of the many outlooks at the watchpoint staring at the sky, the sunset reflecting off of the younger, and irritating the older.

Hanzo only hummed in response. They were supposed to be meditating in silence, as per Hanzo’s request.

“I know why you come here.”

Hanzo exhaled through his nose and opened his eyes to glance at his brother. “To meditate, Genji. Shizukani.”

“No.” Genji turned to face him. “You come here in order to make yourself feel guilty. I know you, brother. You used to do it to me all the time when I went to the arcade. You would stare at me until I felt shame.”

Hanzo’s fists clenched on his knees. “How could you possibly know what I am doing or thinking? I have changed.”

“I know, because I am doing it as well,” Genji said softly. “Back then- I could have been more compliant, I could have helped you but I did not. I was young and stupid, and did not realize the gravity of my decisions, but I understand now. My actions were dishonorable. It was shameful of me-“

Hanzo stood up and turned on his brother, furious. “Do not. Speak to me of dishonor and shame.”

He walked a short distance then glanced back at his brother.

“Not until you have killed me for yourself.”

Later that evening, Hanzo messaged Genji that should he need to meditate, Zenyatta would most likely be available.

That had been the end of the their sessions.

He had been a fool to believe his brother could reconcile with him.

Genji still visited him, as Hanzo holed himself up in his room instead of socializing with the rest of the team- but that only ended in loud arguments.

“It has been weeks, Hanzo,” Genji stated exasperated, outside of his door. “How are they to know you if you do not allow them?”

“I am fine by myself,” Hanzo said.

“This is not healthy, Hanzo.”

Hanzo sighed. “I am perfectly healthy Genji.”

Genji threw his hands out. “You look like shit! You’re depressed and-“

Hanzo bristled, hand already reaching for his door. “Thank you for your concern, brother. Good bye.”

“Hanzo-!”

The door slid shut on the cyborgs face and Hanzo inhaled, exhaled, inhaled once more and breathed out.

Not healthy? Hanzo looked about his room. Healthy people had clean rooms, and his was pristine.

His closet held his various kyudo-gis, color coded. Organized. His small kitchenette held a shining kettle, small teacups and no dirty dishes. Clean. His bed was always made, not a pillow out of place, his furniture never covered in clothes and out of the way as always, orderly. His room looked brand-new, completely spartan. Nothing was worn down. Nothing was old or used or broken. It was clean. Healthy. It was as if no one had ever stepped foot in it before. As if no one lived in it at all.

Despite Hanzo’s fervor to abstain from socializing, that did not stop the others from coming up to him. Hanzo was out of his room to fill up his water container in the main kitchen, when one of the younger members had come up to him. They popped their gum in the awkward silence until-

“So...what’s your deal?”

Hanzo glanced at her confusedly, then turned back to his jug. If he remained silent, it was sure to deter her.

“Like- me and Lucio wanted to know since you’re like the base cryptid. We never see you until team simulations, and even then you’re only on defense so...you’re actually really good with a bow and arrow. Hey, can I call you Legolas?”

“What?” Hanzo blurted.

She smiled. “Y’know, that old fantasy series, he’s a meme because of those short guys and elf eyes and stuff.”

Hanzo felt himself soften. She was very similar to a younger man he once knew, one with green hair and bright eyes. “I believe they’re called Hobbits.”

“Hah! So you are a nerd! Lucio didn’t think so, but you look like someone who plays Pokémon. Actually, now that I think about it, you’ve got the whole samurai vibe going on too. Have you ever used a sword before?”

Hanzo mumbled no, then hastily escaped with a half empty jug.

Hana stood in the kitchen alone, a frown etched on her face.

The only other person that Hanzo conversed with aside from Genji was Dr. Zeigler- although, even then, that was less than desirable. He grabbed his sleeping pills and sighed when he realized the bottle was empty. Genji had annoyingly told the doctor not to give him more than a few days prescriptions at a time- not to deny that Hanzo had never thought of going out that way, but considering the fact that he was surrounded by those who risked their lives on the daily, it was extremely dishonorable.

Hanzo entered her office and she gave a strained smile, and he nodded in kind- the routine.

“Shimada-san, how can I help you?”

“I require another prescription, if you will,” he said placing the canister on her desk, making sure not to touch her. The first time she flinched when their hands touched had hurt him more than he was willing to admit.

“Of course.” She turned to grab a new prescription, placed it on the desk- but held and didn’t let go. “You know...Genji is concerned about you.”

Hanzo grunted in response, refusing to look at her.

“He says that you’re not...coping very well. From what he describes, it sounds as if you have depression, PTSD, perhaps even social anxiety-“

“Thank you, Doctor Zeigler, for the free consultation,” he interrupted coldly, looking at her with narrowed eyes. “But I am perfectly fine and would like to take my leave.”

Another strained smile, and she released the bottle. “Do come again, Shimada-san.”

And thus was Hanzo’s routine for months. The self-loathing, arguing with Genji, awkward and often tense food and water runs, picking up pills from the doctor. It went on for two months until-

“Howdy there.”

The cowboy had found Hanzo on his perch on the skywalk. He had come there to drink in peace after his fifteenth quarrel with Genji in two months.

Hanzo hummed.

McCree took a seat next to him and brought out his own flask. They drank in silence, the night air cold on Hanzo’s exposed skin. He was far too inebriated to be bothered by the gunslingers presence, and found himself actually drawn to his warmth.

Hanzo respected the American, despite his bluntness and overall...loud demeanor. He was a good shot, perhaps one to rival Hanzo, and he was tactically intelligent. More than once had the cowboy saved the team from dying due to his quick thinking and precise aiming.

More-so, he never approached Hanzo unwanted. He seemed to recognize when Hanzo was welcoming of a short conversation and when he was on the verge of seething rage.

An intelligent man. Warm. Hanzo subconsciously leant towards him, the alcohol getting the better of him.

“D’yknow the Deadlock gang?”

Hanzo grunted. “I am a former yakuza. What do you think?”

McCree chuckled. “Alright, alright. I may not look like it, but- I was their best asset. They used to call me,’The Undertaker.’”

“That does not surprise me. You are greatly skilled and smart.”

“O-oh. Well...” McCree coughed. “Anyways...I used to be real close to one of the members- his name was Jackie. J and J they used to call us, cause we were practically inseparable. Jackie was like my brother. I loved him.”

Hanzo turned to face McCree, slowly gaining an idea of where this was going. The gunslinger was looking down, fingers fiddling with his flask.

“Then I...I had to kill him. Turns out he was sellin’ information to Overwatch. Or maybe he was undercover. I don’t really remember. All I remember...”

McCree swallowed and he looked to Hanzo. “I remember feelin’ angry. Angry and sad and just- destroyed. And after he was gone all there was- there was nothing. I...felt empty.”

Hanzo’s heart seized. McCree looked away, pained.

“I kept askin’ myself, ‘how are you goin’ to go on now?’ I thought I was gone, gonna be empty forever. Then Overwatch found me and I decided that maybe I deserved a second chance. People believed in me. They saw me and saw hope.”

“Hope?” Hanzo murmured.

“Yeah,” McCree said, turning back to look Hanzo in the eye. “Hope that maybe even after a lifetime of all the wrong choices, one right choice can set you on the good path.”

Hanzo stared at him breathless. McCree’s eyes glinted in the moonlight, and then he noticed how close they were- their shoulders and thighs touching. Hanzo leant back, still transfixed on his bright eyes.

“Hope,” he repeated.

McCree nodded. He looked up at the stars and breathed deeply. “Come train with me tomorrow, archer. Ya won’t regret it.”

There started the deviation in Hanzo’s routine. For five mornings a week, the archer and sharpshooter trained together. They conversed about little things, favorite foods and drinks, then playfully argued when one named something that was distasteful to the other.

Hanzo’s self deprecating thoughts began to move away to make room for newer thoughts- one involving a tall man, red and flannel, bright brown eyes and a crooked smile.

Hanzo’s first real smile came during an intense training session. Both men were sweating profusely, challenging each other to see who could lift more. Of course, Hanzo prevailed- and Jesse cracked a joke at his own expense.

“Damn,” he breathed. “I’m pretty sure you could arm wrestle with Orisa and win with those beasts. Me? Can’t even lift Torb a couple of inches off the ground.”

His first real laugh had shown up during a team lunch. Hanzo had taken a seat by McCree and Genji, as he usually did, and said his thanks for the meal. Jesse pointed curiously at his food.

“‘S That wasabi?”

“Yes, it is.”

McCree snorted. “Weak shit. My hot sauce does more damage than that.”

“Is that so?” Hanzo raised a brow and gestured to his plate. “Why don’t you try some. You just need a small portion to see-“

“Don’t mind if I do,” McCree interrupted, spooning the entire portion into his mouth to Hanzo’s horror.

Genji winced from across the table and got up to get a glass of water. When he came back, he saw McCree red in the face, coughing, and Hanzo doubled over in laughter. The entire room laughed softly at the ridiculousness of the situation, and Genji felt a surge of happiness.

The first time Hanzo held hands with McCree was in their usual drinking spot on the skywalk. McCree had been blathering on about some old western movie when Hanzo moved his hand to cover the gunslingers.

McCree stopped talking immediately and looked down at their hands. Hanzo felt a surge of shame and slowly drew his hand away.

“I did not mean to-“

McCree gripped his hand before it could go any further, and gave him a bright smile.

“It ain’t no thing, darlin’.”

It was also the first time McCree had called him that.

Hanzo had opened up more. He did not feel so alone after meeting Jesse, no longer so isolated.

He began meditating with Genji again.

“You seem well, brother.”

Hanzo smiled softly. “Yes, I am.”

“It is because of McCree, is it not?”

“Partially,” he said. “I have come to realize that...one right choice can set me on the path of good. People believe in me. It would be a great dishonor to prove them wrong.” Genji lunged at him, hugging him close, and Hanzo was proud that he was able to hold in most of his tears.

Hana attacked him in the rec room a while later. “Yo, Samurai Legolas!”

He grunted not looking up, engrossed in an article written by Joel Morricone. “Do not bother me, Usagi. I am busy.”

It was quiet for a moment. Then-

“Did you just- what did you call me?”

“Usagi. It is the name of a popular anime heroine and also means rabbit. It is my nickname for you, since you seem adamant about mine. Trust me when I say it is an honorable one. Usagi was a powerful warrior, and also the cutest.” When he did not get a response, he looked up.

Hana was staring at him with wet eyes, and a huge smile. “I want to change mine for you.”

Hana now called him Big Bro every chance she got. When Hanzo turned in his sleeping pills, Doctor Zeigler looked at him in surprise.

“Are you sure, Shimada-san? You’re-“

“Perfectly healthy, Doctor Zeigler. And please, call me Hanzo.” He turned away from her, ears growing heated. “I have not needed them for...a while now.”

Angela’s eyes widened. “Oh! Oh, well,” she giggled,” alright then, Hanzo. Do come back again.”

“You believed in me.”

He and McCree were standing together in Hanzo’s room soaked, the rain pushing them from their usual spot.

McCree looked at him, and Hanzo’s heart stuttered. “I did. I used to be like you, back when I first joined so I understood. I still believe in you.”

Hanzo tentatively walked closer to him. “You had hope for me.”

McCree visibly swallowed and took his hat off, running his hand through his hair. “Yes. I still hope yo- still have hope for you, that is.”

Hanzo took a couple of more steps. “Why?”

McCree looked away. “I know a lost soul when I see one, s’all. Everyone deserves a second chance at redemption.”

They were nearly chest to chest now, and Hanzo had to strain his neck to look into his eyes. “You gave me hope. You have helped me to be better, and I...thank you, Jesse.”

Hanzo rested his head on McCree’s chest and Jesse’s arms came around him almost immediately, engulfing him in warmth despite their wet clothes. Jesse rested his chin on the archer’s head, and Hanzo nuzzled into his chest, face flaming and heart pounding.

“It ain’t no thing darlin’.”

Finally, after months of dancing, tripping and falling, McCree held Hanzo’s hands in his and grinned shyly.

“I really like you, darlin.’ Hope ya don’t mind that.”

Hanzo laughed and pulled McCree towards him. “I would hope that you do cowboy, considering we share the same bed.”

“I reckon people who like each other ought to kiss then, right?”

Hanzo’s face warmed and he leant up into Jesse’s space. “I believe that is how they express that, yes.”

McCree smiled and pressed his lips onto Hanzo’s, soft and sweet, the pull slow and languid. Hanzo nibbled on his lip and the kiss deepened, Jesse’s hands moving to bring Hanzo’s hips closer to his.

They separated to catch their breath and Jesse moved to Hanzo’s jaw.

“Ya know any other way people express how much they like each other, darlin’?”

Hanzo gasped a laugh, and gripped McCree’s shoulders as he kissed his neck.

“I am aware of a few, yes.”

McCree chuckled and nosed at Hanzo’s cheek. “Only a few? I got some evidence on my back that states otherwise.”

“Are you looking for more?” Hanzo smirked.

Jesse shivered and put his head on Hanzo’s shoulder. “What is it that ya always say? ‘The wolf marks his prey?’”

Hanzo flushed and smacked his shoulder. “Do not tease me, Jesse.”

McCree laughed, smiled at him, then gripped Hanzo’s hands, dragging him to their room.

Later, when both men were sated, they laid wrapped around each other, kissing lazily.

“Jesse,” Hanzo whispered, kissing under his ear.

“Yea, darlin’?”

“I love you.”

McCree shifted, laying on his side, Hanzo tucked into his chest. He leant his head on his elbow and dragged a hand down his lovers body. Hanzo shivered.

“It ain’t no thing, darlin’.” Hanzo let out a noise of protest, smacking his chest indignantly, and McCree laughed, wrapping his arms around him. He kissed his face repeatedly until Hanzo’s mouth met his, moving with intent, slow and hot.

“I love you too, Hanzo.”

Hanzo Shimada hated himself. Not as much as he used to, but the self doubt still lingered, the hatred a shriveled seed still present in his heart.

However, when he was with Jesse McCree, Hanzo hated himself just a little less- and a new seed blossomed in his heart, one he believed in and one he had hoped for all his life.

[fragmentedink-archived]

All for Ash and Nik for the 7 sins

THANK!!!

🦚 Pride: Arrogance and hubris. Egocentricity. These are all the things that represent pride.

What is an action an OC of yours once took based on pride that caused more trouble than it’s worth?

Ash: OK SEE, IN ONE OF MY STORIES, ASH MAKES A COMPLETE ASS OUT OF HIMSELF BEC OF PRIDE. He finds out Things and Nate straight up decks him- and Bay lets him

Nik: hmm,,, Niks probably gotten his ass handed to him bec he wouldn’t stay down in a fight until they forced him down

Whom is the most prideful out of all your OCs?

Between Nik and Ash,,, I gotta say that Ash is more prideful, but not by much

How do your OCs react to prideful people? Do they tolerate them? Can’t stand them? Believe all their self compliments and hail them as a hero?

Lmao prideful people piss both ash and nik off. Probably hits too close to home ahahaha

Does the idea or theme of pride shape your WIP in any shape or form, or is its pretense minor or non existent?

Pride absolutely takes shape in my wip. I don’t think its a Big Part, but pride is a p big character flaw in both Nik and Ash, and will probably affect their decision making skills

🍕Gluttony: Overindulgence and selfishness mark the face of a true glutton

What food would your OCs absolutely kill for? What’s their favorite, and who would they fight for stealing their food?

Nik: Can i say cock or pussyMe: NO YOU MAY NOT

Ash really really likes mango smoothies and fruit. Nik i think would really like sour gummy worms. mmmm im not sure that eitehr would fight anyone for taking their food. Ash might snap his teeth at Nate for trying to take an apple tbh

Has your OCs ever been in a situation where anyone has purposely withheld food from them? How did they deal with this?

I don’t think anyone’s withheld food from Ash, but I think Nik’s parents have withheld dinner from Nik when Nik failed in training

Which OCs don’t like food and only eat because it’s a necessary function?

neither

What’s the worst thing any OC has done for food?

I don’t think either has done anything really terrible for food

Is the theme or idea of gluttony a part of your WIP in any way?

oh,,, i think there could absolutely be a theme or idea of gluttony in the wip, but in not sure that it has to do with either of them

💎Greed: There’s never enough, why stop here when you can get more? Greed, the insatiable hunger for power and materials.

What makes your OCs keep wanting for more, what do they keep taking and taking even though the have a lot of if?

You know, Ash isnt really all that greedy of a person, he doesn’t want much at all. But Nik, he wants more Life. He just,,, wants. Everything

How far would your OCs go to gain power? Which one is the most likely to climb the social ladder with ease?

I don’t think either would go far to gain power. Neither really want it, per se. They both could climb social latters easily, i think, depends on the social latter. Ash would do well with higher society while Nik would be able to climb the social latter of the underworld easily

Who is ashamed of their greed? Who thinks they don’t deserve anything and shun away their wants and needs convincing themselves that they’re just being selfish and greedy?

neither of them

How does the idea of greed shape your WIP? Does Greed come up as an major or minor theme?

im,,, not all too sure that there really is an idea of greed in the story

💄Lust: The extreme longing for something whether it sex, power, or revenge, marks the pricinples of lust.

What do your OCs lust for the most? What is that one thing they just want and can’t stop thinking about?

I think that Ash def has a lust for revenge, for the ones that killed his family, and its really interesting to see a vengeful Ash bec hes usally so easy going

Nik is lusting after,,, well,, anything that makes him feel good tbh. He doesnt lust after power or revenge, just after feeling something

Who gets distracted from the situation at hand due to their lust for something or someone?

I think Nik’s feelings about wanting to feel something and lusting after life in general, is one of the reasons for Nik’s whole arc in the story. I,,, think that Ash has a hard time seeing things clearly at all when he’s in the headspace to get Revenge

How far would your OCs go to get what they most long far? Who ignores their desires?

Nik would go through a lot of people to get what he wanted. Ash, i mean, to get what he wants, he pretneds to be human, he befriends Bay, he gives his family’s army and gold to continue on the war bec he thinks that it was demons that killed his family

Does Lust shape the theme of your WIP? How does it let you explore your characters and plot if so?

oh, there is Absoluty a shaping of the wip with lust, on both of their parts. Between Ash working to avenge his family, and then Nik being 95% lust ridden, i meAN

😴Sloth: Sloth is marked by laziness and lack of motivation, and is probably the reason so many things go wrong.

Which OC is the laziest? Who procrastinates the most, and who just really needs to stop taking so many naps??

oooof between the two of them, Nik’s probably the most lazy. He is the King of procrastination, but also would love naps

Who’s the one that is labeled unfairly as lazy when really they work harder than anyone else? Maybe they have health issues or other more important things, maybe they help in the little way? Doesn’t matter because people keep judging them.

hm,, i think this could also apply to Nik. He has anxiety so doing things the way he does could probably be construed as laziness. Could also explain his procrastination

Who decided to half ass something and royally fucked everything up for everyone else?

How does sloth play into your WIP? Is it more character focused or does it play a bigger part in the plot?

💣Wrath: Explosive anger and refusal for forgiveness makes wrath a rather powerful problem

Which of your OCs is the most vengeful? The most angry and unforgiving? Who will hunt you down to the ends of the earth just because you ate the last pudding cup.

oh, they’re both vengeful. They both are angry people, its just more noticeable in Nik bec Ash turns it on himself. Neither of them are really the forgiving type, but with Ash, there are a few people that he has a blind spot too (alhglsdgh no pun intended) like Bay

Which Of your OCs is on a quest for revenge? Is that their main goal or are there other more important things

Ash!! WELL,,, not like,,, actively. He’s participating via Maikel’s plans. But its not his Main Goal

How well do your OCs handle forgiveness? Who is able to let go of their anger, smile politely and walk away?

Ash?? NIk??? letting go of anger?? Forviving peopel??? They don’t know her. Unrealistic

How does the Sin of Wrath play into your WIP? Is it important to your theme?

Oh, i think its a p big theme, but it revolves more around Bay than it does either Ash or Nik

🐍Envy: Jealousy is what makes the world go round, everyone wants what the other has after all.

Any conflicts between characters that drives a wedge into their relationship whether it be platonic or romantic due to jealousy?

I think that Nate and Ash’s relationship gets a bit strained when Nate gets ivolved with Bay, but im not sure what kind of jealousy that is??? The Arwaine Brothers relationship with each other is often strained bec of their parents pitting them against each other

Which OCs envy make them feel guilty and wrecks them? Makes them feel like they’re a selfish person for being jealous?

Ash, I think

Which OCs try to to communicate their Jealousy and solve it in an healthy manner and who just lets it fester and grow?

oooof. I think that Ash would handle it best. Nik doesn’t know how to do anything healthily LOL

Any major plot points sparked by jealousy?

i dont,,, think so?

How does jelousy fit into your wip and affect the themes and plot?

im not sure tbh

[the0ther-side0f-dawn]

LONG POST - PERSONAL - do not reblog

2 a.m. revelations (posting a draft from last night)

im never going to be loved. like putting aside the fact that im ugly as shit, and barely have any personality; all of my relationships (of any nature) are poisoned by my terrible and inescapable anxiety, an anxiety which also prevents me making new or deep connections, and i have a terrible fear of intimacy and vulnerability (which are both things i want to be able to have), but also i have a tendency to idolise almost anyone who gives me attention or shows me kindness which is an absolutely terrible foundation for any kind of relationship, and i have a tendency to repress things, and let out quiet bursts of brutal honesty, like i will never raise my voice or display signs of anger or aggression (noone will ever see me angry. i have never been permitted to be angry and -circa me at 10 years old- when i used to get angry i was a terrible human), but i explode in ways where everything just spills out all at once, because to not repress things, to always present the truth, is to always and constantly confront the possibility and fear of abondonment or scorn and i cannot live with that constant fear. these are moments which give me actual panic. heart racing. adrenaline. dizzy panic. i cannot face that on the daily, so i repress, and eventually it is too much to hold in, and honestly is a virtue i wish i could stop portraying, how i wish i could just lie and let things slide and be okay with that.

i am always going to be scared because i have never trusted anyone since i learned that even the people closest can turn on you in an instant (a lesson i learned a decade ago, and was really truly cemented last year), and who is going to love someone who cannot trust them? and like, that’s a trauma thing, an anxiety thing. thats not just something i can change my mind on, thats something that has to be worked on, and learning to trust someone takes, well, i dont know how long, because there isnt a person on this earth who i trust fully, like i do not trust anyone not to turn on me or lash out at me, and abandon me, and i mean, i try really hard. and it is a really fucking ingenuine way to live. i feel like i am betraying everyone i know, because everything i do is so calculated, that im fooling them into thinking theyre interacting with a person, but i am not a person. i try to let myself exist,i try to exist in moments, without removing myself to make sure everything my body says and does is correct, but i cannot just let myself be, i cannot trust myself not to fuck things up, to not say the wrong thing, not to embarrass myself, and i havent yet learned how to live with mistakes, how to live with embarrassment and regret and how to forgive myself. i hold myself accountable for everything, for far too much, and i should. i have done unforgivable things. some of these were conscious decisions, where only in retrospect did i realise the ramifications, and other things just happened, impulsive flashes of emotion, because it is so so so easy to do something unforgiveable. and well, i guess, these things, most of them, it is only my own conscious that does not forgive me, because those whom my actions hurt have forgiven and/or forgotten. i tread lightly around everyone, constantly, every interaction- every word i speak is mulled over a dozen times in my mind before i allow myself to interact. who could love someone who is so completely terrified of living and is so fucking insecure that she thinks if she makes the slightest error that her s/o would explode at her and leave her? and it is terribly unfair to be with someone and for me to have that fear because it would suggest that i think so little of them.

also i have high af standards so that doesnt help. like i hate myself, but i do have some morsel of self-respect.

and yknow, that internalised homophobia like heck, i dont even feel like i have the right to look at girls.

also, being closeted and having that homophobic family doesnt help.

and also, i reallt feel like i have missed my window? like im 19 and i have never dated anyone, ive jever kissed anyone, ive never even come close to hitting any of these milestones which i should have right now, and im scared that it makes me so so childish and that noone is going to want to be with someone who is so unsure of themself and doesnt know anything about anything and someone who is experiencing everything for the first time.

like by my very nature, my nature being anxiety, and all that relates to it: insecurity, lack of confidence, untrusting, - i am someone who should not be loved. because i am so incompatible with this entity that is romance.

and what i want, i dont feel is something fair to ask. like i dont want to have to conform with preconceived notions of what a relationship is. i want all the things which i think a relationship should be. i want honesty and communication, i dont want games. i want every shade between the binaries- i dont want things to be polarised between yes and no. i want fluidity. i want things to be slow. i want things to be soft. i want things to happen when we want them, not when we think they should happen. i want friendship, at the beginning and at the core, and everything else is secondary. i want to be a priority. i want to know that i am wanted, i want to learn what it feels like to be important and valued. i want to feel special. i want someone who lets me invest myself in them, who doesnt think i am too much, who is patient, so fucking patient and understanding and compassionate. i want someone who doesnt belittle me because i dont understand sarcasm- because i always believe people are tellinf the truth. i want someone who will let me be pissed for a few days when i need to be, and will give me the space to workout my feelings, who wont pressure me into confronting things when they happen, who understand that good choices arent made in agitated moods, and will let me collect my thoughts and compose myself and will forgive me for the time i need to do that. i want someone who will let me write or be silent when i have too much in my head to talk, i want someone who understand that somedays i just cant talk and listen. i want someone who lets me exist, and accepts my forms of existence. i want someone who understands that (not to use this cliche line) but im not like other people, i have always said thst if people were wavelengths, then id have both a very short amplitude and a very long fequency, but not so flat that im a straight line, i exist very quietly and mostly serenely, and i need to be allowed to be small, because sometimes this means locking myself away for a couple days, sometimes it means not talking or making eye contact. im always very close to be a flatline, shutdown, dead. and i need to be allowed to be close to that. i need to be allowed to not be lively and big. im realising i might be discribing my depression. the thing im trying to explain, is i want someone who is rational and will let me exist as long as i am not causing them, myself, or anyone else any harm, (which is actually a p big deal considering i have not had the luxury of being allowed to be depressed).

[dysphcria]

it’s taken me a very long time to type this out - years and time to grow and think every once in a while about it, who i am, and who i want to be. i have wanted to put this into words and it’s taken me a very long time to even attempt to write this out, i don’t really expect anyone to read  this and it’s more for myself more than anything, but if any of you do read this i hope you can understand that this is all my feelings, thoughts, and opinions and not to attack or say how anyone else feels/thinks is wrong.

for a good portion of my life ive been sad, and not just ssad but self loathing, afraid, and angry. and it took a long time until i came to realize it was from depression and anxiety. coming to a place like here was a refuge, people understood me, they knew what it was like to feel such self hatred and disappointment in themself, to know how easily it is to be discouraged and how one small thing can set you into such a downward spiral. here i made close friends and even met my first boyfriend. he was so similar to me it seemed insane how in sync our feelings and thoughts were it seemed too good to be true, finally someone who understood me in a way no one really had before. but as time went on i started to become a not so good version of myself. i became selfish, commanding, insecure, and passed it off on my mental illness. i look back and i wish i could say that i am sorry for that and it plays a role into why i am making this post now.

dating someone so similar to you down to how sensitive and insecure you are became tiring. what was once a blessing was a curse and for someone who hated myself as much as i did i couldn’t stand being in a relationship with myself. but, hurting the person who had meant the most to you and worrying if it was a mistake kept me from ending things for a while, and when things ended it was very very bad. at first i was angry, very angry about the postion he put me in but time has healed the wounds and really i dont hold anything against him.

so time passes. remember how i mentioned i had become kind of selfish in my relationships? well a bit later i started dating this boy, i dont know how to express how he makes me feel but i can say that it’s quite similar to how he made me feel when we started talking over 2 years ago. a bit into our relationship the bad side of me, the one that i had become in my first relationship came out. it’s really hard to think that i could be so selfish to someone that i love so much and that i did as well to the first boy i loved. i used mental illness as an excuse, i said that it was the reason i could hurt the people around me and that’s just how it is. about half a year ago i was really hit with the fact that i needed to change. i took some time to be alone, to figure out what i needed to do to become a better person. i went to counseling and i started to learn how to forgive myself and move forward, the steps i needed to do to keep me from going to my dark places. i don’t want my mental illness to hold me back or be such a huge part of my life. i know it’s not an easy thing to do, and it will always be with me, but i wanted to learn how to deal with it so i dont hurt myself or anyone around me. but most importantly, i decided i didn’t want to “glamorize” sadness in the way that tumblr likes to do. here i was sucked into a world where everyone is a sad kid and we have this connection because we have depression and that life sucks. im not trying to sound insentive or to attack anyone trust me, i’ve been to the deepest depths of depression ive just decided for myself to no longer be a part of something that makes me focus on my sadness instead of what i can do to keep my mind away from it.

my ex was and i’m sure still is someone who is content with being sad, and that’s his decision, but i guess the reason that i have changed so much and no longer have contact with him is because i don’t want to be that kind of person. i know its not easy for many to try to change - it’s not a personality thing its a brain thing. but i guess being around that was triggering and quite toxic to me. im not really angry at him any longer or resentful but in all honesty he was a toxic person to me. he was someone who’s attitude was what i was trying to avoid, and he was hateful and unforgiving and cold.

ive come a long way and i still have panic attacks and days where i feel like i dont want to exist anymore because i dont see a point, and i know it will  always be a battle, but i’m very happy with the decisions ive made for myself and finding someone who makes me want to grow and fight what my brain thinks.

the last time i talked to my ex he got angry because i told him there would never be a chance that we would be together again. he shaped my life a lot and i appreicate the experiences we had but that was a past me and our relationship also belongs in the past. i was happy with being a friend but he got upset and angry. i thought i was doing the right thing by laying things out like that but i did upset him. i am glad that he has come a long way and that he is moving forward in life, and i dont regret our relationship at all. i am sorry for the pain and hurt he went through and i wish i had said that earlier.

like i said before these are just my own thoughts and feelings and i do not speak for anyone else. i wanted to kind of clear up what has happened over the past few years since i’ve left tumblr and the place i am now. i am not 100% happy and i doubt i ever will be, but ive started to find happiness in the small things around me and cutting out toxicity.

im sure im missing things to this because im tired and sore but i needed to brain vomit. thanks if you read this i hope you can understand me a little better.

[whenismuna]

1-50 :)

:)

1. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called? mostly just steph/stoof. prefer to be called Big Lesbian.

2. What books on your shelf are begging to be read? my bee book, my shark book, my rachel carson biography and my women in science history book :)

3. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like? like...never

4. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive? i just make up a scenario and think lol

5. How many days could you last in solitary confinement? How would you do it? i literally never leave my house unless im going to class so i think i could last pretty long

6. Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away? depends

7. Who is the biggest pack rat you know? michelle

8. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost? usually make it unknown unless i know everyone

9. What is your strongest sense? If you had to give one up, which would it be? probably smell or hearing and id give up the sense of abandonment that i feel from everyone ive ever interacted with

10. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror? if front camera counts too, then a lot

11. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child? i used to think that india was a continent on its own? i had literally zero reasoning i just always thought it was

12. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up? my sweet baby boys :)

13. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know? idk??? i mean its not like a competition yknow?

14. How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections? never

15. Which animals scare you most? Why? none? like actually zero animals intimidate me because i know that if they could kill me, like they dont have morals so theyre just doing what they know idk

16. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on? i will do literally anything to avoid a conflict

17. What was the most recent compliment you’ve received and savoured? the other day like 3 people complimented my bernie pin on my jacket? 

18. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will? everything :-)

19. Are you a creature of habit? Explain. if i have a habit of doing something, i will do everything in my power to not break it

20. Are you high maintenance? Explain. i constantly want to talk to people but will also ignore everyone. im sorry.

21. When was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical limits? every time i walk up the fucking stairs

22. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why? very few close friends bc im anxious and in middle/high school everyone hated me

23. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others? wtf?

24. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone? shai and i are convinced we saw a ghost once in a hospital. it was wild

25. What do you think about more than anything else? that one insta pic :) such a happy boy

26. What’s something that amazes you? that one insta pic :) such a happy boy

27. Do you prefer that people shoot straight with you or temper their words? Why? i mean like you should definitely be honest, but dont be rude yknow? im sensitive 

28. Where’s your favourite place to take an out-of-town guest? it used to be cats closet and sammy t’s but theyre both closed :’( so now its the river probably

29. What’s one thing you’d rather pay someone to do than do yourself? Why? idk

30. Do you have a catchphrase? nah

31. What’s your reaction towards people who are outspoken about their beliefs? What conditions cause you to dislike or, conversely, enjoy talking with them? i think its important to talk about what you believe in especially when people disagree with you because you can learn different viewpoints and where people are coming from. the point where i dislike someone is when their beliefs infringe on other peoples existence/human rights

32. How and where do you prefer to study? i dont know how to study :)

33. What position do you sleep in? one leg bent and the other on the other side of the country and on my tummy

34. What’s your all-time favourite town or city? Why? prague :0

35. What are the top three qualities that draw you to someone new? girl, tall is always a plus, ya gotta be funny boi

36. How has your birth order/characteristics of siblings affected you? well having two older brothers and being the only girl made me have thicker skin so theres that, but my parents also have higer expectations of me bc the boys fucked up constantly and im nothing like them (apparently)

37. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be? id fix my GOTDAM knee! i wanna be able to workout without limitations!!!!!!!!!!!

38. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be? oh lord -_-

39. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to? idk probably like sarah? ive always liked that name

40. Do you believe ignorance is bliss? Why or why not? it depends...

41. What do you consider unforgivable? a lot. i dont forgive easily tbh

42. Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not? depends on what it is. mostly no

43. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize? again, i will not forgive people. like if youre my friend and you fuck up badly, ill still be your friend but ill never forgive you or forget what what you did, believe me. i hold strong grudges.

44.Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for? i will die for a single grain of rice.

45. To what extent do you trust people? Explain. i like to trust people but others in the past have made it hard for me to do that to people in the future :-)

46. In what area of your life are you immature? all

47. What was the best news you ever received? when i found out i was going to see michelle in japan last year :D

48. How difficult is it for you to be honest, even when your words may be hurtful or unpopular? if my words are hurtful i wont say it, but if theyre unpopular i literally dont care

49. When did you immediately click with someone you just met? Why? What was the long term result? Conversely, are you close with anyone now that you really disliked at first? on tuesday but thats whatever i guess... we talked twice and now we dont anymore but its,,, whatever..,, i dont think im friends with people i didnt like at first

50. When do you find yourself singing? when im driving or home alone.