#im just . living on my own now and im feeling a bit lonely or whatever. it's fine

[magicaldreamfox1]

beep beep vent incoming

[subdueddoll]

🧸🎀

[stuckinapril]

i’m finding it so difficult to detach myself and cut off a person who i am very much still in love with but who has repeatedly hurt me and strung me along only to dump me when reality hits and they remember im a real person with flaws and emotions and not some fantasy they created

i’m about to be really mean but this person doesn’t give nearly as much of a fuck about you as you do about them. you’re probably romanticizing them, playing a highlight reel of their best qualities in your head, rewinding all the good moments you might’ve shared w them. meanwhile they weighed your best qualities, replayed your best memories in their head, considered the value you add to their life as a person—and still decided it wasn’t enough and chose to dump you.

this was my biggest blind spot when i was going through things like friendship fallouts or my breakup w my ex. i was like but how can i live without them now!! as if they didn’t choose to severe our connection w their whole chest. you might be like “but they might’ve really struggled to do it” and it’s like okay, but they still chose to go through w it. their reasoning to them was more important than having you in their life, regardless of the tremendous energy and emotion that got expended into the decision. that or it took no energy at all, which just means that they were playacting their care for you and never actually gave a fuck. far more sinister.

from the way you described them, they’re still not mature enough to realize that love is hard work. that it’s not just convenience and feeling good all the time. why do you want someone like that in your life? someone who always goes into fight or flight whenever push comes to shove? not sustainable whatsoever. they literally did you a favor by walking out of your life. they saved you more wasted time and effort and pain that would have no doubt stemmed from their avoidant, erratic, wishywashy nature.

you have to get into the habit of not wanting people who don’t want you, whatever the context. i feel like a bit of narcissism is healthy when it comes to this bc i legit don’t care what a person’s attributes are; to me that’s such a fundamental difference in thinking between us bc i’m the dopest bitch i know. and they still don’t want me in their life ?? like ik what i bring to the table and that would be such flawed, ludicrous logic to me. it just gives me the ick and makes me lose interest in them as a person instantly, even if they were great listeners or had a good music taste or were funny or played the guitar really well. doesn’t matter, they still were shortsighted enough to think a life without me in it was a good choice. romantic and platonic breakups do bother me, simply bc i’m very honest w my love and i genuinely value the people in my life, but these days i’m not hung up on anyone for more than a day bc i will never want someone who doesn’t want me. never never never. i don’t have the compulsive urge to make people who don’t like me like me. i have such a don’t let the door slam you on your way out mentality about it. i’ll simply find someone who’s funny and a good listener and plays the guitar well and still cares enough about me not to dump me when it gets hard. doesn’t have to be one or the other.

also do yourself a favor and don’t fill the gaps for them or try to guess what’s going on in their minds. they dumped you? okay they don’t care about you. they cut you off? okay they don’t care about you. they’re not trying to send you subliminal messages on their ig story about how much they still care—and on the very small chance that they are, you shouldn’t want that. you shouldn’t want someone whose peak effort when it comes to you is posting a sad quote about how lonely they are without actually putting the effort into approaching you, apologizing, owning up to their mistakes. until they actually act on it, their feelings pretty much irrelevant & it’s best to assume they just don’t give a fuck. you don’t want someone in your life who always prioritizes their comfort over maintaining their connection w you. ruthlessly remind yourself of that and move on to someone who doesn’t just give you breadcrumbs, if anything at all.

[iheartchv]

Hiiii omg i just scrolled trough ur blog i love it so much and i love reading matchups

Can you do one for meeeee

I’ll keep my profile on so you can see my personality and looks

-im 166 i guess ? Idk maybe a bit less

-im 18, still a student

-italian

-im very into spirituality

-i do horse riding show jumping since i was little

-i do yoga

-i love nature like my dream is to live in a house in a forest

-i smoke sometimes (tobacco or else)

-im into man older than me and a bit more like a dad figure if that makes sense,like really into them

-i own a rabbit!!! And dogs (and a horse)

-vegetarian

-sometimes a bit childish

🤔I match you with...

John Price 🚬

I think Price would be your match😁

You didn't think he'd be the one you'd catch feelings for

He was just a random stranger, a random man

A pretty friendly one at that

Your heart stopped when he smiled at you and said " 'ello, love. How are you this evening?"

He was a smoking buddy

You've had plenty of nights just having a puff and then talking about whatever came to mind

He loved being with you

It was his favorite time of day

However you both didn't realize how much you missed each other when he was gone on a mission and you going for another semester at school

In the back of your mind, he was all you thought about

His sparkling eyes, his wonderful smile

Eveything about him just made your heart pound with excitement and joy

After sometime he let his feelings be known to you

He never thought he'd fall in love again, but you changed all that

"What do you say, sweetheart?"

He held out his hand, as if offering his heart to you

And you happily accepted...

"Yes"

....With the biggest smile you've ever had, feeling the happiest you've ever felt

Now he says "Lovie, I'm home."

You've moved with him after finishing school

He wanted to take care of you

And in turn you'd take care of him

Quality time is Price's recieving love language

Every minute, every second, he wants to be with you

Doesn't matter what you both do, he just wants to be near you, have you in his arms

All those lonely nights without you made him ache for you all the more so

He's pretty sure those same lonely nights you've made you feel the same

Having John in your life changed you from the inside out

You will never want another man

He's the one you want forever

And you're the one he wants forever

❤

[flyingspicerack]

YOUKAI AU LORE!!!!!

literally just copy pasted what i told ghost in dms no beta we die like men

ok so my youkai au... SO I started thinking about it first when I saw Evan post about theirs, and I saw they they said theirs was more of an isekai style? So like, kinda Inuyasha vibes?? Also mine isn't like... TOO tied into the real hesowar au, bc i dont really know all the canon information so its all just... headcanons and my own worldbuilding (which i love to do i love worldbuilding its what i did for my thesis in art school ANYWAYYYY)) So my thoughts are kinda that theres this youkai world and each of the boys are originally human brothers that were all possessed by the youkai like hundreds of years ago and are now all these 6 powerful youkai that rule over 6 different domains. I think that in each domain, or maybe where all 6 of them converge theres a portal to the human world that opens up? Maybe both.... 7 portals, the strongest one thats always open is in the middle of the domains, each has their own, and their own unique connection to the human realm. I think Ichi, because he's a 9 tailed kitsune, he's connected to like, a specific Inari shrine I think each of the boys excepts for one or two, have like... at least harems or a partner or something at this point? It's later in their lives, idk theyre still young looking WHATEVER IDK, but Ichimatsu hasn't really... expressed any interest in anyone in the realm, yet complains to like, jyushi specifically that he feels particularly lonely. Like none of the people who come to worship him in the realm do it for him, theyre boring, whatever, idk, no connections. And since he's a trickster, the brothers are like "ohhh youre kiniving and play pranks and tricks, why dont you just like, trick a human to to be your mate/bride/spouse, humans are so interesting and quirky" and at first hes like 'no thats fucked up i wouldnt do that' but the he thinks about it ...

SO MEANWHILE, in the human world, this version of Mao, i think, is just in some like... job to pass the time, but they're incredibly lonely, theyre bad at making connections at work, theyre a bit burnt out, just things arent going their way. So, one day on the way home they're just tired, and maybe the route they walk on to and from work is like closed so they take a different route and on their way home they come upon an entrance to a shrine, maybe its a little overgrown, but... somethng calls them in, and they walk up the little stairs and are kinda drawn up to the big donation box. And they kinda just throw a couple coins in and pray and think 'im really lonely, i want companionship but im not sure what to do anymore, maybe i should change careers or just ... change myself completeley ... i need guidance' And theres this voice in the back of their head thats just like 'what if that could come true' and 'give yourself to me' and 'make me more offerings and ill give you a deal you wont refuse' and mao thinks theyre hallucinating from stress but they just empty their coin purse bc theyre kinda compelled to And they realize when they blink a couple times, that THAT was all the money they had on them and still need to buy dinner, so they try to reach down into the donation box to maybe snag back a 500 yen coin but then they fall into the box, and the descent down is a LOT longer than they would have assumed it was, and they land down in there with a thud and look up and around them and now have to figure out how to climb out, and eventually, once they do, and climb up and out of the hole or whatever, they are NOT in that shrine anymore, but somehow in the middle of the forest

SO THEYRE LIKE 'uuhhhh ... what the fuck? Did i hit my head??' and are like 'haha probably hit my head and this is a dream or something' and they dust themself off and start making their way down a path in a random direction to maybe figure out what theyre dreaming about, and theyre walking walking, and SHWOOM, right in front of them flies an arrow and they like, jolt back cause it almost hit them, and theres like ... some kind of lower level like ... imps or goblins or like ... SOMETHING and start fucking chasing mao, because this is some like... you know... uhhh idk if it feudal era? i think thats the term. ANYWAY they have pink hair and are like 'woah this person must have insane magical powers we must kill them and take their magics' and so mao gets chased in the woods all the way to like, a cliffside, and are then cornered, and are like ??????? So since they think its a dream they think if they try hard enough maybe dream logic will work so they maybe jump? immediatley fall and stars screaming, but whats this, something catches them midair and they look up and see theyre in the arms of a man with big ears and pretty red makeup who then like, with the wave of a hand wipes out the imps and lands on the ground with mao in his arms and he finally looks down at them and they share like, locked eye contact for a few moments before hes like 'kind of dumb of you to jump off that cliff considering humans cant fly' AND I HAVE LIKE, some other story beats, but the like... summarized story is that ichi starts to feel guilty for kind of coercing mao to come here so they go on like, a journey together, him protecting them, but teaching them to fight and things, while they travel toward where the domains are converged to get mao into the portal back home, but along the way they both genuinely start to fall for one another and mao eventully gives themself to ichi as his devoted bride/partner/mate and gets like... some minor powers and stuff i thinks... and yeah... hehe..

... heheh yeah... i might wanna draw story beats... i have MORE ideas, like... beats and things that happen on the journey if people wanna hear about those too....

ALSO SOMETHING I NEED TO CLARIFY!! when i say the other boys have partners, its not like... its moreso meant to be like, OTHER PEOPLE who self ship with the other boys, have already claimed them, like... how do i make this make sense.... like ... timeline wise, if like

HYPOTHETICLLY, if you wanted to insert your s/i into MY version of this au specifically, your and the matsu's story would have happened BEFORE mao enters the picture if that makes sense... bc i like the idea of ichi being the last of the brothers to make a connection, only realizing once his brothers have found love, that he wants it too ... haha hehehehehehhehehehe the end

[foreigndistance]

I love S.E.M an insane amount. (a reflection)

“If it weren’t for S.E.M, would I even be here right now?”

Okay, correction: “If I didn’t meet S.E.M again through a random Google search a few years ago, would I even be here right now?”

Let’s turn back the clock for a moment. I got into 2D fictional idols through Love Live! back in mid-2017 with me first watching the School Idol Project anime on a whim. Timeskip to months later in October and I went through Sunshine!! Season 2 when it was airing, and I remembered vaguely hearing things about THE IDOLM@STER back then. I had a loose idea about SideM’s existence through clips from the anime (which was airing on that same season) along with IDOLiSH7 and Tsukipro – both fellow male idol series that I also encountered. Neither did I pay closer attention to these nor was I into male idols though.

Here’s this bit from a previous lovemail from a few years ago: I wasn’t fully open about my interests towards others. I feared that nobody would understand what I enjoy, especially if it isn't as well-known as what a typical person would know. Before becoming an idol fan, I was more into magical girl anime, tokusatsu, and Western animation in general – all of which are niche interests in their own right.

Skip to 2019. By that point, I was already into IM@S by that point, albeit focusing more on 765Pro and Million Live’s activities via Theater Days. In January, I started Shiny Colors and LIVE ON ST@GE! for the first time, and both had uh – let’s just say, “unique” ways of handling non-rhythm game-like mechanics. (I haven't touched the older console games yet.) I was more of a casual fan of the two branches (compared to 765) and I was more focused on my high school life, which hadn’t started crumbling down just yet. I didn’t stay with the two games as much as Mirishita.

My first starter idol in MStage was Ryo, mainly because of his connection with the console games. Touma and Ryo’s connections to 765Pro immediately made them my initial favorite idols in SideM, but three men clad in pink and silver spandex caught my attention: S.E.M. The unit’s concept of a trio of ex-teachers becoming idols to motivate and inspire students to study and follow their dreams struck me. I regretted not starting off with any of the members, so I left my original MStage account, opting to return with a S.E.M starter idol when I gave it a second chance.

I chose Rui as my new starter idol in April 2019, but I didn’t really have a no. 1 favorite idol by then. I read a few of whatever was translated and listened to some of the songs; but I was more focused on Mirishita and acted more casually towards the other branches.

But on a more personal note, I was starting to go through some… mixed feelings in my personal life.

My boyfriend and I broke up after 11 months, had to give up taking part in a club I’ve been involved in for the past 2 years by then, and constantly got annoyed at some teachers’ way of doing things which affected my enjoyment of the subjects I studied for… And on top of that, it was starting to feel more lonely as I saw friend groups I knew split apart for a moment and I would feel unwanted at times when my close friends aren’t around.

It was getting lonely. Being with the school newspaper team felt most like home when our meetings happened, but it wasn’t enough.

(Don’t worry, I’m okay now and my friends – including my ex – are currently on good terms.)

December 4, 2019. The router at home was having internet problems and I couldn’t properly play the Mirishita event at the time, “Hitomi no Naka no Sirius”. I was at home since we didn’t have to go to school because of a holiday. I don’t fully remember what led to me messing around on my two phones – but for some reason, I typed “S.E.M” onto Google search on a whim and found their work again. It was clear that I was bored by that point, so I started reading their magazines and event stories again to pass the time.

Seeing S.E.M and the relationship within the trio… reminded me of home. What appealed to me about them wasn’t just their “silly” reason for becoming idols in the first place or their entire concept (which is already something you don’t see in other mixed media idol/music franchises often), it was the relationship between three grown men (who were colleagues from the same workplace they left) getting into the entertainment industry just to inspire and motivate others to follow their dreams and, of course, study. School had a strong importance for most of my life where I could show my true self without feeling restricted by my family’s presence. Seeing them… made me smile.

I started rambling about them – especially Jiro, who initially became my favorite among the trio back then – to my best friend. The brainrot slowly took over. I was already sure that all three of them were here to stay this time. The brainrot made me reinstall MStage and return to my account, and I started playing the original Mobage with my beginner-level Japanese knowledge.

As I started talking more about that trio of ex-teachers with her, I realized how insecure I really was about my interests; too shy to talk to random strangers online as well. At that time, it felt like that had to change. I created my present-day Twitter account in early 2020. That was originally dedicated to my interests (and eventually became my main account) and I started talking in English-speaking IM@S servers more often. I’ve made friends with people from around the world and from my own home country. I even started posting some of my own art on there and would try to start posting on other social media platforms over the years. It was nerve-wracking, but perhaps it made me feel a little less lonely compared to before, looking back.

When I left another fandom (which was related to IRL idols) in early 2020, I made a pledge to myself that no matter how bad the branch’s situation gets, I would stay with the boys until the end. Of all the media I have ever touched, none would come close as to what THE IDOLM@STER SideM would ever bring me into on a very personal level. Its message and theme of starting over again at any age resonated with me, and it hits hard especially as I grew older. I’ve met many Producers of varying branches over the last 3-4 years, have taken part in several fan community projects – including running entire Twitter accounts and fan wikis and Discord servers – and helped me learn some skills along the way.

As for my tantous in IM@S itself? Michio Hazama (and by extension, S.E.M as whole) would overtake everyone, of course.  Entering 2020, I had to rank the New Year’s Michio event in LIVE ON ST@GE! right after I just returned to it, then my first S.E.M-focused event since I started the Mobage was a Michio rank. The first artwork I posted on Twitter publicly was his New Year event SR for his birthday.

Of all the tantous I’ve met, none could reach the same personal level of love, care, and interest I have for them as much as him. (Even if a certain Cinderella Girl came to challenge that notion.) I remembered one of my types being a quiet, serious guy with glasses. His silent passion and strict (yet caring) demeanor towards his pupils, the way he wants to see them succeed from an educator’s point of view, and his moments with the cast – especially with his unitmates and Producer – brought me immense warmth.

I knew he would become my favorite idol within the branch as time went on, but he eventually won me over the most within the entire franchise. A serious man in glasses is an archetype you would often see, but seeing a teacher figure want the best for his students and his unit, as well as being passionate about his work and not being overly loud about it drives me insane.

——————————————————————————————

Fast forward to 2022. When GROWING STARS had its 1st anniversary campaign, the vibes I got from the online surroundings at the time didn’t settle well with me. Honestly, I was very disappointed with the execution of the anniversary campaign itself, although I tried to keep myself in tact. There was a lingering feeling that what is now a core aspect of myself about to break down once again, especially seeing how some Producers I met through SideM had (understandably) either left or took a break for better, greener pastures. I found myself turning towards a certain pair of adult ladies from another production to help me go through my short break from SideM at the time, but still kept in touch with IM@S by that point. As I thought about the other idols (who are over 20 y/o) I would eventually produce – especially when it comes to that pair of ladies – I thought to myself that what if SideM helped rewire my taste.

And now, with the advent of the last remaining SideM game’s impending, terribly received, and horribly executed shutdown and with Bandai Namco having revealed its future plans through a roadmap... I’m lost and unsure where to go. It’s like I KNOW where to go, but don’t know how to go further despite the circumstances. I even gave a large “sigh” towards the announcement before I’d write the GROWING STARS shutdown notice itself onto the SideM ENG Twitter.

It took me a few days to write up my full response towards the shutdown announcement up to the point where I was writing it in the middle of my trip days after the stream. Before that, I had left several disappointed tweets which eventually became hit tweet after hit tweet.

I’ve been into IM@S as a Producer for 5 years by this point. I didn’t want to celebrate it like this.

Despite everything though, I told myself that I wouldn’t leave. I did say that I would still keep in touch with IM@S, and I can’t deny the impact that it has left towards me and how I saw my IM@S tantou roster (which has grown since I became S.E.M’s Producer.) I’ve had moments where I questioned my worth as a P over the past few years. I've seen others’ achievements when I’m still trying to get my foot into learning Japanese up to this day. I've seen other Producers, same tantou or otherwise, rank high in the games when points ranking was still a thing while I’ve never been able to get past the Top 1000 event points ranking for a S.E.M/Michio-focused event. And I may probably never will.

However...

If it weren’t for the people I’ve met, the characters I’ve met, and the Producers I’ve met and would encounter... I often have my lonely days and would feel gloomy over things for no particular reason (and I still do), but I wouldn’t trade my own experiences with different friend groups I’ve made for the world.

I want to reach as high as I can to beat my past Top 100 success in Mirishita, even if it’s through my actions in a game I’ve yet to reach that same level. For as long as I’m allowed to produce my tantou units through whatever games they have left.

I want to continue supporting the idols I’ve met, and the two units I’ll continue to produce. Taking care of a pair of drinking buddies who are over 20 and a trio of ex-teachers doesn’t sound too bad.

I love S.E.M an insane amount. I love Michio an even more insane amount.

Because I wouldn’t be here without them. And maybe I wouldn't have gotten that first push to do all of what I’ve done without them.

[kelseyfitzherbert]

so id love to put this under a read more but i haven't been here lately and my brain is mush and i forgot but i just need a place to scream

tw: cancer, depression, self hatred, loneliness, etc etc etc

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im so tired. my toddler has cancer yet im the tired one. everyday is just me on autopilot until the next treatment, or doctor's visit, or body scan. when my husband isn't home, i crumble, having to handle my son alone. and he's a really good kid. but everyday is the same. and i know it's temporary, and i know i should be grateful for whatever time i have with my kid, but i'm losing me. i want to get away but have nowhere to go. i want to escape but everywhere i turn is reality. and i can't. i have a job to do here and my kid is counting on me.

but man, what i would've give for like, a four day coma.

im lonely. i feel like everyone i love pulls away from me, and it's my own doing. one example is i used to talk everyday in a group chat with my only local remaining close friends, but now it's deserted and i'm 90% sure they have a group without me. i didn't mean to pull away. things just got so busy and sometimes it's just so hard for me to even say a sentence. they tried to invite me to things at first but with my schedule so up in the air and dependent on riley, they stopped asking me. and maybe i'm stupid, and overreacting, and self sabotaging myself but i feel like almost everyone in my life is doing this now. my husband, my kid, my friends, my family. and it's so hard not to blame it on myself because....why wouldn't it be. ive done this my entire life. i push people away. i don't mean to, but i do.

i don't mean to be this way but everything in my life is so isolating right now. i don't spend any time with anyone outside my family. i have problems that get ignored. i try and speak up but it feels like im invisible. it feels like nobody wants to hang out, or spend time with me, or just talk to me about things that are normal and not my situation. my old friends don't say they miss me, or try and help me get out of this in and out day by day horror ride i'm on. sometimes it feels like nobody wants me around. and i know it's not other peoples jobs to do that. i know it's my own. i know i need to put forth a majority of the effort but i feel like i'm giving and giving and giving and giving and nobody hears me. i can't give anymore. i'm exhausted. i'm embarrassed. i'm ashamed. sometimes it feels like nobody's life would benefit from keeping me close and it's just so fucking hard right now.

because who would want to. who would want to entertain the girl whose kid has cancer and over compensates with everything else in her life to try and find a little bit of peace in such a scary, awful world. who gets too loud, too obsessive, too clingy or too annoying. i try not to but it's just hard. idk how my husband is still here. i would've left me so long ago.

i look in the mirror and i hate myself. i hate what i see. i hate who i am and only see myself as useless. i blame that on why nobody wants to be around me, and it pushes me further. i hate the way i look, and i hate it because i'm in better shape than ive been. but ive just been staring at myself today wondering what the fuck im doing wrong. im scared to be around my husband, who is the kindest person in the world. who, without him, id fall apart.

maybe im just overreacting. ive got people in my life who i love so much and i know care about me. but i can't help but fall back into that thinking of "im going to ruin this again" because it's all ive ever done. i don't want to push my friends, my family, my damn husband away. and i overcompensate that and it comes off as clingy and desperate and annoying.

i want to get back to things i love but it's hard. im trying. i still workout, i actually love going at 430am now. but other than that, i cannot get myself to do anything more than exist. i want to do things. i want to talk to people and go out and adventure and live. i want to draw and write and sing but i can't. i just can't.

im so proud of my kid. ive watched this little two year old do things with a smile on his face that would make a grown person cry. he's so brave, and i can't be that for him and i hate it.

im just tired. and if you made it this far, hey, what's up lol. sorry i just disappear and then reappear randomly upset about stuff. this blog has always been my number one safe space since 2010. it's see a lot of the shit of my life. im starting therapy again this month, which will be a shitshow. it'll be good, but it'll be a shitshow.

just...be kind. that's all i can say. be kind to people. you never know what they're going through, and sometimes a simple word can help so much.

and thank you to those who reach out. who care. i love you all. ❤️

[thevtuberconfessional]

my personal opinion is that people kyrio and the start of this career vox ( whom i still have issues with on that basis alone), rushia so on and on is that they simply dont know that this shit is hella unhealthy bcos they themselves are unhealthy af. They need chat validation for whatever reason, they themselves need that kind of emotionality and sensitivity from their community, thus encouraging this kind behavior futher creating self fullfiling prophecies and keep going in cycles full of dramas. Several streamers have talked outloud being extremely parasocial towards their chat and community. Im sorry but the way that these streamers interact with chat just screams how unfulfilled they are in their own lives and the state of their mental health

mindful and aware human beings CAN NOT handle the type of attention that comes with these interactions. And for the right reasons

Like genuinely i still am so bitter about becoming so attached to vox back in 2022, like i feel so stupid that some kinda anime guy who doesnt even know i exist had such an impact on me back then. I was so lonely hopeless and hurt, so disconnected, borderline suicidal. Got so attached to his asmrs and his persona. Im so fucking glad that im not like that anymore, im so glad i had the guts to see how much his mental breakdowns every 2 weeks, unhealthy flirting and other shit was truly affecting me. Lowkey after that i became kind of a hater of the guy, didnt express it anywhere thankfully. But i know for sure, that even tho he did fill out some needs of mine, he cERTAINLy wasnt healthy, bro didnt need to flirt with names in chat, but proper therapy work

The rule is very simple, chat reflects the streamer. No matter how much you talk about boundary setting and parasocialism, the way you ACT is what matters. Now im soooo picky with vtubers i watch my god, like if i see even the slightest bit of what i saw in vox and kyrio i yeet them as hard as i can into the trashbin

.

[paulmccartneymybeloved]

this is another I'm gonna talk about my own life post because I don't have anywhere else I can talk about it and I'm seriously struggling atm, if you don't want to read it that is okay I will not be offended :)

I do not know what I wanna do with my life and I am so miserable and I feel like im a failure

I'm failing Uni, I can't seem to get a job, I am so lonely! I do have friends but I feel most of them are the type of friend to do fun stuff with and not the type to sit with me and talk with me as I go through whatever is happening to me rn

I feel hopeless and I'm just so so so so so tired and I don't know what to do anymore

My mother and I had a huge argument earlier and she hasn't apologised and it's insane to have seen her since just being normal and like it didn't happen, it's ruined my day, possibly my week, and she's just happy that she "won" because I ended up sobbing. Good job Mum!!!! Way to go!!!! She wonders why I really wanna move out? It's a mystery!!!! I cannot possibly think of why!

She criticised everything about me.

She was going on about how I hate home and my family, which I mean, I do, but I haven't told her that because I interact with my family as little as possible to prevent these fucking arguments. She thinks I hate it here because I often get irritated with the people in my household, but that just happens when you live with people. I do hate it here but she makes it out that I constantly parade around going 'it's awful here I hate it so much and I hate you all' when I don't, I just sometimes get annoyed with my living situation when not at uni because of how drastic a change it is and I much prefer living nearer to a big city to this rural area that I have to deal with at home - "I don't know why you've come home to be honest" I quite literally had no other choice, but right now, living on the streets of Liverpool seems like it would actually be the better option.

I have expressed that after Uni I would like to move out straight away if possible and I'm continuously having that used against me. Sorry I have plans for after Uni I guess? Sorry I don't wanna live in the middle of fucking nowhere for the rest of my life? Sorry that I actually want to get out into the world after you tried SO desperately to stop me going to Uni at all?

It is so evident that my parents had my sister and I because they wanted children who were the carbon copy of them and now that we aren't, it's a problem!

She's constantly on at me about Uni as if I'm not trying! I am!!! If I didn't care about Uni, I would give up. I am not someone who perseveres unless I actually want to - I quit doing Tae Kwon Do *just* before I got my black belt. I was so close but because I didn't actually want to do it anymore, despite the fact that all I had to do was persevere for a bit longer, I stopped because it was no longer bringing me joy.

I LOVE Uni! I love learning, I love lectures, I love education, I love expanding my knowledge!! I just have a hard time applying what I have learned when it comes to doing so and I keep on getting seen as lazy and not as struggling, when I am struggling, but I feel like im someone who wants to prove I CAN do it despite all of the struggles but it's seeming harder and harder and I feel like if I asked for help from Uni when I haven't up to this point, I'd get made fun of even though I know I wouldn't.

I hate arguing with my mother because she does what my dad thinks he can do. When my dad and I argue, it's meaningless shouting that I pay no attention to. My mum knows what to say to hurt me.

Next, she made fun of the fact that I have that club night that I really enjoy going to. I am a bit obsessed with it, I will admit, but that's because it brings me so much joy. I dont have a tattoo for it for no reason. I feel like I belong there and that people actually enjoy being around me there and it gives me something to look forward to going to in the near future, instead of waiting months for gigs I have tickets to. She said "it's all you care about, it's all you talk about" - a bit yeah. It's the only in real life thing that brings me that much joy. My parents complain when I unhealthily obsess over celebrities, when I was a teenager thye were begging me to go out and talk to people instead of only watching Dan and Phil - I am now obsessed with something that gets me out of the house and being sociable and that gets criticised too.

During the argument we had, any time I said something she had said or done had hurt my feelings, she said, "well it's not like that" or "you've taken that the wrong way" or "I didn't mean it like that". She "knows" and "understands" me and is "willing to listen to and help me" - all she knows about me is that I like Dan and Phil, The Beatles, and the club night that I go to, and any time I've tried to speak to her about anything, it ends up in an argument similar to (but not as intense as the one we had) today.

I said something about my dad and she said she'd speak to him about it and I asked her not to and she said ok she won't, last time that happened where I said something and she said she'd speak to my dad about something and I asked her not to and she said she wouldn't, she lied about doing so!!! She had talked to him!!! and she wonders why I don't fucking tell her anything!!!!

The massive argument we had today started because ive been complaining about my lack of sleep recently, I haven't slept well at all since I got home from Uni. I was getting like 9-12hrs of sleep a night at Uni, here I get 4-6hrs and ive tried cutting down on caffeine, I've tried waking up early with an alarm so that I'm tired in the evening so I go to sleep earlier, I've tried going on walks to physically tire myself out and I just cannot sleep for more than 4-6hrs and it's really taking a toll on me. I was complaining about it and I, of course, was met with my mother saying "well I don't sleep much and I just have to get on with it" and we had a bit of a disagreement but nothing major.

I've started journaling recently, just in a notebook from the shop - nothing fancy with a lock or anything, because I have always really struggled with being sad/angry/upset (probably because negative emotions have always been criticised in this household!) and I'm trying journaling as a way to deal with those emotions in a healthy way - rather than keep those feelings in and get more worked up and more sad/angry/upset as a result of not having an outlet. The minor argument/disagreement about me frustrated with not being able to get decent sleep bothered me enough to journal it, so i started journaling it and my mother said "go on and slag me off in your book". I am being criticised for dealing with how she made me feel, in a healthy way, because she doesn't like the idea of being spoken about negatively. I got the notebook and started journaling for this exact reason, so that rather than unload feelings to a friend, fpr example, I could journal them so that I got them out but also noone else has to know - and I'm still criticised. Whenever she's ever seen/heard me express how I feel about an argument or a disagreement I've had with her, she's always had a problem with it. Am I not allowed to feel?

There is so much tension and anger in this household and I feel like im walking on a tightrope that might snap constantly. There is no physical abuse, I should say for the sake of clarity, I am not in immediate danger - there's just so much that's not spoken about and I feel we all are always avoiding certain topics of conversation because everyone will end up shouting and screaming at eachother at a moments notice.

Moving to Uni where that worry is no longer, to then move back to this, sucks so much.

I have seen what a happy life is for me and for me to be truly happy, I need to move out of my family home for good. I need to. I think people I know think I am exaggerating/miss the independence and freedom of Uni when I say that, but I am so serious when I say I will not ever be truly happy under my parents roof. I cannot live here for longer that I absolutely have to. I am so miserable.

[pielove123clan]

i associate you with clovers and red spider-lilies, macarons, sparrows, raccoon-dogs, and Ryoshu. flames as well, in the same sense that flames are sometimes associated with passion and vitality.

Geting associated with Clovers, red spider-lilies, macarons, and sparrows is a first. It means quite a bit to me that someone's interacted enough with me to have the confidence enough to come forth and tell me an answer. These are also really flattering and made me smile.

Under this cut, I'm just yapping.

I'm a big fan of finding the symbolism of objects and concepts even if it really doesn't matter in the end, unless you make it matter. Feel free to not mind these because these are just me trying to think thoughts. This is just a shallow look through websites of varying dubious credibility.

Spider-lilies: Death and rebirth is the most striking one, corpse flowers, but I really like how they look. I'm just a bit scared of being called edgy if I were to say it out loud. Luck is nice too, warding off evil sprits. Other meanings were sorrow and sadness. As i've grown up, the people around me who don't understand me told me I was very sad and I'd grow to live a sad lonely life. It's silly but it's part of the reason I feel a kinship to the sorrowful and muted, because I've been called that. I'm a pretty emotional person working on myself and growing up.

Two of my real names are flowers so I have a giant bias towards flowers and floral symbolism. It's the first time I've been compare to one of these. Unrelated, but now a days on this internet, as I grow, I feel like I'm getting too liberal with my personal information. It's fun to self-disclose though, I understand it now. Authors do it all the time, that's an autobiography. Directors do it all the time, it's called a documentary. Maybe i'll think diffrent in a year.

Sparrows: Cleverness. I guess? Compared to the people around me, not really. Sparrow songs are really pretty. Hard-work is funny because I'm pretty lazy and I procrastinate a lot. I'm not used to psychoanalysing myself but it's fun. Apparently some people think they carry the souls of the dead which is cute! Giving off joy is nice. Perseverance is an interesting one because I try to persevere on paper. Though, I have quite the laundry list of things i've picked up and given up on. Having me finnish something is a once in a blue moon occurance. Yet at the same time, there's no rules against coming back something eventually, but there's a limited time for some of those eventualies before their lost forever. But even when you lose those, you'll get new stuff, so you just gotta gauge at your own discretion. My work ethic is a mess. Im doing something or at least trying to do something, I promise. Something with luck.

Care and hope, I try I guess? Typing/talking about it is weird. It's whatever. It makes me feel egotistical but also I'm talking about myself rn still. Huh.

Clovers: Luck, if I say anything or think anything about my luck, I get bit by misfortune so I won't comment on that. Protection is nice and hope is cute. I can't find much outside these.

Macaroons: THESE COOKIES ARE EXPENSIVE BUT SO TASTY. I'm so picky about where to get them because crappy macaroons still cost the same as the good ones. They just make me happy. I know two songs about macarons which are nice.

I can't find anything for these but somewhere down the line, I heard they were a cookie of friendship. I don't know how valid that is but it stuck with me enough to remember, so i'll make it so.

Raccon-dogs: Ah yes, this one is because I am Tanuki. Yeah, I try to live up to the name at least a bit.

Ryoshu: I heavily restrain myself from wanting to gush about her 24/7. She has so far, my obsession with her has brought me places and made me talk to people and socalize out of my shell even if its just on the internet. I feel a kinship with her, I laatch onto her like a parasite. I want her so badly. I want Ryoshu to get me. I also want to get Ryoshu. I am so attached to her right now. I want to idk be respectful to her and just stand there while she's doing art or maybe contribute myself to her art. I like her a lot. I like her loner vibes, her being a mother, her tragic source material, her mindset with her art, I'll be happy to see her grow and develop through Limbus.

Flames: Showing off my passion has only been a recent development. I'm kind of just all talk. Vitality seems supprising. I know it's hard to know with how I seem here on tumblr or on discord but in real life, I'm very silent. People think I hate all of them and if your my family, yeah. Kind of but also you have it coming. I just don't speak much in real life or when I do, people look at me like I've said the most out of pocket thing or they just ignore me. People look down upon me often because I ask too much questions and give the stink of neurodivergence. People think I look down at them and I don't most of the time at least? I really just don't put myself out there either, but then my Ryoshu obsession happened to kick in. Now I'm socializing and having fun, but I'm still not used to it. I'm not forcing myself, im taking my time.

[baby-prophet]

Hello! haven't sent a message in a while, but hope you have been enjoying a nice weekend \^o^/ oh and i saw u mentioned donuts a bit ago and was curious what ur fav kind is (personally i can't resist a good bavarian cream). Also unrelated but have you ever seen the show mushishi? I'd recommend it if you haven't. okay that's all have a good night! ╰(￣ω￣ｏ)

omg hii!! my weekend was ok had a good saturday and a not so great but over all ok sunday 👍 cramps kicked my ass and i stayed in bed all day yesterday but thats ok. i dont feel much better now but i am going to bed early tonight just to get some rest lol

today both my professors complimented my writing tho!!! my art history professor mentioned in class that I had written a really good paper and my writing history professor said he likes how i insert myself into my writing and how i'm not afraid of being candid when writing.. he was like i love when writers are vunerable, you really feel like youre getting to know them ( this was after he had us read out the essays about a city's birth and the indigenous people who lived there before... and I wrote half about that and half about living in richmond and how I teetered on the verge of becoming an alcoholic and how I chainsmoked out my apartment window and was extremely lonely to the point of hanging out at the robert e lee memorial alone in the dew covered grass at 3 am just to see the stars and how it grounded me when I was feeling especially fragile and untethered and how I would adorn my eyelashes in glitter to create my own personal constellations when i didnt feel like walking 30ish minutes to get the the racist statue LOL)

wow i got sidetracked real bad lmao.... as for donuts, lately I've been a plain old glazed girly. theyre basic but idk whatever. I used to hate them because of sensation of extremely sticky fingers make me feel like im get electrocuted but a bunch of tiny nails just underneath my skin... but now i like ok with it bc i love them so much. at the farmers market theres these weird big and skinny ones that are so fucking good. I'm really craving one right now. ....... i love bavarian cream too but I havent had a decent one in a depressingly long time.

ive never seen mushishi but ive added it to my list! ty!!

[sadbitchfangirl]

i’ve been feeling so lonely and now that i’m mentally acknowledging it, i just want to break down. i hate the reminders i get that i annoy people, that people don’t like me, that i burden a lot of people. i might be oblivious to sarcasm but i can read a room, and tell when people have become sick of me. And it’s the worst feeling because im already self-conscious & incredibly insecure simply due to the fact that i overthink everything- every “bad” or awkward interaction, every event/action that i experience plagues my mind because im scared honestly.

Like today for example, i already have no irl friends but i thought i was building a rapport/friendship with some people i interact with daily online.. I wanted to game with them because i felt left out when they were gaming together (and i at the time didn’t have a pc) So every once in a while, or so i thought, i’d ask “would you guys be up for xyz game”, the answer would vary depending on who’s online/active. But i felt like they were sparing my feelings, or trying to avoid hurting them by not responding or whatever. I’m ranting but i don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. And there’s much more important things going on in people’s lives and the world but i’ve felt lonely for a long time, and i think it’s just now catching up to me, emotionally. I normally don’t dwell on my emotions too often because being a med student, there’s always one thing after the fucking other, deadlines to meet, things to study & do. I wanted to take a bit of a breather, but i’ll probably just do it on my own. I’m just tired & it’s probably the holiday season approaching that’s making it 10xs worse but i don’t like this feeling..

[ratrap]

I'm so so proud of you dude, telling her in the first place was still a major step towards getting your life back!! (And I think the clothes thing proves pretty well to me and presumably her how fucked up all this has been and how he's been blatantly lying to you about liking you as you were, yikes.) Doesn't have to be all fixed at once but any little bit of progress towards not being completely on your own with this shit is something to feel accomplished for.

thank you youre too nice to me. Sorry i havent replied im just struggling a bit with things. I tried so hard to lose weight way before and not that i really got healthy before my mum passed anyway but now none of it matters anymore. my clothes are so small im getting too embarrassed to put them on. i feel gross and it makes me not want to go out. i say to him i want to get new clothes but he doesnt. listen I cant keep putting up with this im so unhappy. and because i dont even think i had a life before im not even thinking about anything good in the future. ughhh I have been really upset about my weight and life in general it makes me wanna give up so maybe i can see my mum again I am still on my own nobody would even care if i wasnt here except for him, which gives me all the more reason to not want to be here. My cat is the only thing that makes me not want to die lol. My life is pathetic and so am i. Im so sad and stupid that i let this happen to me all over. the only reason i told her at all was because he had done stuff in my sleep again after again I told him im tired of being like this and then took a video of me while im upset, and i was still mad about it the next day when i went. Hes been waking me up to make me drink milkshake or ice cream and he makes me eat this spoonful of oil stuff i dont even know what it is and he recorded me drinking it while embarrassing me so if anyone likes that and you see footage of a fatass idiot crying that is me. I think he thinks because i have mental health problems that i dont understand i dont know. Im so upset every day i dont enjoy anything, i feel like such a disappointment and embarrassment to my mum and i dont even want my aunt to have to look at me she will be grossed out if she had to look at me nevermind let me live with her. thank u for caring and dont feel obliged to message me okay. I appreciate your concern and everything im just lonely rambling at like four in the morning. If whoever sent me the ask about housing or something sees this i would appreciate the link to whatever it was you were going to send me before i think you can send them in asks id like to at least look at it cause I have no idea what im doing 😞

[forgottenronan]

ronan out here as team big brother to everyone (w eithne as team big sister <3) and im LIVING for it <3333 tbh he's not as good at it as he once was bc he's frankly a broken man whose fighting to put himself back together when all the pieces don't fit anymore buT he ~is trying (tho ngl sometimes his v effort makes things worSe but anyway here we are one step forward two back and all that jazz one day at a time etc etc)

ooooh kale having roots elsewhere is really interesting! i def feel like the frosts all would've wanted to interrogate him abt his travels and everything he'd seen hahaha but also yes! that def makes sense that he might feel a lil like an outsider looking in if he arrived sm later and the others had all grown up together, etc!! i def feel like, as far as ronan's concerned tho, he's part of the team now! i mean, padraig/reaves bro are his two best friends but ronan def sees the rebels as his family and obv kale is a key member so he's family in ronan's book! i do think lil ronan would've been v welcoming back in the day but yeah obv there's no replacement for those 14 years and poor kale that must've still been quite lonely for him!!!

i do think pre-war!ronan had a kinda...robb stark/peter pevensie thing going but also this laughing, mischievous bent that could come out w friends like...not to the extent of cillian or anything but he was much freer and happier and he was soooo idealistic he wanted to be a knight and do knightly things like there was defff a lil brienne of tarth/young!jaime lannister idealism abt all of that like...obv king arthur doesn't exist here but he effectively wanted to be a knight of the round table yknow seeing the world and spreading good and doing the right thing while having adventures and rescuing beautiful maidens and seeing magic up close and personal and protecting the vulnerable and generally spreading good everywhere he went, and, like, save the world and uphold the rule of law in a just and generous kindsom and all that kinda thing!! he wanted to be sir galahad or peter pevensie but instead he's robin hood but, like...dark...he'd def more dean winchester/edward elric (if you've seen fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood [w japanese subtitles -- the dub is toootally different and not nearly as good!]...and if you haven't...what're you doing! stop whatever you're doing and go watch it now! ;DD its soooo so good!!!!) than robb stark/peter pevensie now

i can see where ronan may be guilty of underestimating kale bc...i think that's a thing that ronan tends to do ngl (it comes out of his whole over-protective big bro thing esp now paired w his ptsd + 'ive lost sm i can't bear to lose more' deal) but esp bc kale has a lot of similarities to cillian, and ronan's spent his whole life worrying abt the scrapes cillian's forever getting himself into (lbr even as a kid) alksdjfkljdsf this being said, ronan can be a bit changeable post-war and like he def will go from I CANT RISK THEM I WONT DO THIS MISSION (insert some excuse) to like WE MUST DO THIS NO MATTER WHAT and pushing past reason for it soooo that's fun!! -- in general, i do think he's somewhere in the middle but yeah the boy's got demons and they show themselves at weird times in weird ways sometimes laskdjfkjdsf

GRUMPY/SUNSHINE!!!! you know that's my fav <3333 i love it!!! and frankly, annoyed as im CONFIDENT he sometimes acts (he can be an ass sometimes and i am o sorry about him lkajsdfkjsdf), he really needs that in his life!!! ronan: 'it is NOT an affectionate eye roll its a i-mean-business-eye-roll' (but actually it is an affectionate eye roll) but honestly i think he (wouldn't never admit it but he) relies on kale to give him a dose of optimism to help balance his own doom and gloom psyche!! i do think he sometimes gets lost in his own EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE outlook and pulls a full on (handsome ;D) squidward waaaaay too easily hahaha but you'll never (or at least rarely) catch him saying so alksdjfkjsdf

i love these!!! the hc's are now full canon as far as im concerned <33333

ooc | Kale & Ronan

I feel like Kale was an only child, but he always looked up to Ronan as an older brother!!??? Honestly, I feel like he looked up to his entire friend group tbh of Ronan/Paidrag/Reaves bro (rip). And I feel like Kale hung out with them sometimes, but he was a lil younger and while they were all good friends, I don't think Kale ever had that history/bond that the others had? I'm also thinking that maybe Kale's family didn't come to Malconaire until he was like 14/15 and so Ronan and his group of friends had already been well established by then??

I feel like their relationship with Ronan in his post-war era, is kinda a grumpy/sunshine thing lmao??? Like Kale has chosen to deal with his own post-war trauma by bottling up and completely ignoring his negative emotions!!!!! And continuing to be the optimistic / outgoing / fun-loving / joking guy he's always been!!! And now he's working with Ronan who has just become super serious all the time??? I just see Ronan constantly eyerolling at like everything Kale says and does (Kale: but it's an affectionate eye roll!) And Kale just completely unfazed by Ronan's temper!

I feel like things are a little ~less~ contrasted between them now then it was at the start, but yeah!!

Anyway, those are my headcanons about the relationship, lmk what you think!!!

[goldenkid]

ngl I'm. kinda goin thru it rn

[spacexseven]

hi tuna hi hi 👋 I gotta quick one for ya. I was staring at one of dazais mayoi cards, the one where elise gives him a little stuffed bunny (can't send pictures over anon unfortunately but its called lamplit winter if you wanna look it up), and then i reread ur softzai piece and it made me brainrot really really bad so imagine. giving yan dazai a little stuffed animal...

like, look, I feel like dazai, even the crueller versions of him like subordinate darling dazai, is something of a sentimentalist. everything and anything darling gives him is a present and he wants to take good care of it. like, even something as innocuous as a pencil you dropped is something hell keep in a little shoebox beneath his bed. its all part of his delusion, his secret hopeless romanticism. touching (or heaven forbid, breaking) something he got from darling is enough to get people sent to the hospital, or even killed. so imagine ACTUALLY giving him a gift of some kind. youre at the arcade, you win a little stuffed animal, you give it to dazai cuz you have no use for it. you dont really think much of it, really, but HE sure does. mafia/subordinate darling dazai would be a special case. hed probably pretend he doesnt care for the toy at first, both to you and to himself (especially since subordinate darling would probably give it to him sarcastically), but he doesnt have it in him to get rid of it. hes always had a bit of a soft spot for cute things.... and the cramped storage compartment he lives in is so dreary...... no, nevermind that, he'll just. throw it over in the corner. whatever. no need to even go through the effort of disposing of it, thats how little he cares!

of course, he finds his eyes drifting to it more often than not, thinks about what you giving him something like that might Mean, etc. he still refuses to admit he appreciates it, or you, but then maybe one night... he finds himself having another nightmare... and as he sits there, cold, lonely, distressed... his eyes catch the little stuffed toy you gave him. before he can really think about it, he grabs it and drags it into bed with him. he was never given things like this, as a child, so holding it feels... nice. comforting in a way he hasn't experienced. it even still smells just like you; and if he closes his eyes, he can PRETEND its you... he can imagine himself holding you tightly, burying his nose in your hair, laying on your chest and listening to your heart... his little fantasies get him back to sleep very quickly, and it becomes routine. sometimes, if hes particularly lonely or the delusion has completely overtaken him for the day, he'll even talk to the toy like its you. I could also imagine this leading to him stealing some clothes from you, once your scent starts to be replaced with his own on the toy, nothing you'll miss, just a shirt or two he can use to supplement your presence while he sleeps!

I'll cut myself off here cuz I am going NUTSO but yeah. thats where my head is at rn <33

- 🩹

im so sorry for how long it took me to get to this omg these weeks have been hectic :( i dont know if i uslaly write dazai this gloomy but i like it

dazai treasures anything you give him leave behind, but instead of dedicating a corner of his room to your items and presence, dazai likes to spread things out in his place like how you might leave it if the two of you were together. he leaves a used tube of chapstick in the drawer beside his bandages, he places a half-empty tube of toothpaste beside his own in the bathroom (making a note to buy the same one as you from now on so it feels more real, this fantasy), he keeps your shirts stacked up beside his, trying to make it feel natural. somehow, the possibility of you living with him seems so far-fetched so instead, he turns to building the future he'd like with your missing items, playing into his little fantasy. of course, the obvious lack of furniture in his room is inadequate for you, too miserable to be called a house, unlike your own apartment with the wallpaper and the trinkets you have placed everywhere.

if anyone messes with anything lying around (unlikely, since nobody really visits him anyway), dazai would fly into a rage. every item has been meticulously placed in its appropriate place, and slightly nudging it away or putting it elsewhere would cause the fragile facade to crumble and demolish the delicate atmosphere. when he gets back at night, he makes sure to check that everything is in its place—the chapstick he so desperately wants to use (a pathetic attempt at getting close to you) but doesn't want to taint with his touch, the shirts he cradles so delicately, pretending you were there, when the loneliness feels more crushing than usual and he can't bear to accept his reality.

if you happened to give him anything, regardless of the reason, dazai would be over the moon. sure, when you casually ask him if he wants the stuffed toy you won, he scoffs and pretends like he's not interested, but ultimately takes it anyway. its soft texture and blank eyes don't mean much to him as it is, but knowing you were just holding it in your arms, experimentally squeezing it a few times before telling dazai you couldn't keep it, makes the toy the most valuable thing in the world for dazai. no matter how out of place the cute, round thing looked in his bandaged arms, surrounded by his coat, dazai found himself holding it tighter. with this, he can fool himself into believing this was a date and not just a detour from your usual work. he can lie to himself and think that you wanted to impress him by winning the toy, no matter how far it was from the truth.

the toy is painfully out of place in his dark room, not really looking right on the dresser or inside the closet. so he throws it onto his bed instead, thinking about how desolate it looked still. he doesn't think much of it until he goes to rest, observing the round toy sitting beside him. outside, the sky rumbled, and he felt his hand squeeze the soft belly of the toy. despite himself, he found himself smiling a little. it was sort of cute, with the blank eyes and stuffing. he'd never had something like this, and now that he did, he didn't know what to do with it.

while he was thinking about it, he realized the toy might have your scent, seeing as it was held by you for a while first. awkwardly, his arms wrapped around it and he pulled it closer, feeling like a child who had just received his first toy. it was soft; lacking the warmth humans had, but he wasn't about to be picky when this was already something he never had.

for a minute, he thought back to that pleased expression you had when squeezing the round stuffed toy in your arms, and he thinks you'd like to have it when you moved in. with his eyes closed, it's easier to pretend the inanimate object is more human and more loving. it's easy to imagine it was you in his arms, asleep, except for the lack of warmth.

dazai sighs and his eyes open, still holding the toy. it was nice while it lasted.