#im gonna get a fucking therapist as soon as i graduate.

[mingot-studios]

Things currently polluting my mind (will be added to as i think of things)

 How bad the Star vs. Finale was, and weather i should even bother trying to watch the show again at this point

The fact that the next JoJolion chapter is coming out soon and I STILL haven’t read 107 with my mom even though I’ve already read it

Not being caught up on One Piece and having 0 IDEA of whats happening at this poin as well starting to flaws with the series (racism, transphobia, and homophobia) that i knew was there but chose to ignore and weather it should hinder my relationship with the series. Also wanting to murder Oda for demoting Franky to ‘Pervy Grandma’ (srsly wtf oda)

Upset Infinity Train was cancelled even though i never watched it, and wonder why the fans cry for it to come is suddenly not happening?

The fact i’m going to be returning to in person schooling which is my personal HELL

my brother leaving for college upstate (Me and my brother have never really been that close, we fight alot but I cant imagine life without him)

The fact that my procrastination has gotten so bad that I nearly had to retake PE, World History, and English

The Owl House coming back on the 12th but i had downloaded the first 2 episodes but haven’t watched them and debating if i should, also having a meltdown  over Disney screwing the show over and having its third be 3 or 4 (i cant remember) 44-minute specials

The fact that me and brother STILL haven’t finished our Yume 2kki Let’s Play

I haven’t been watching anime regularly with my mom

I haven’t posted anything to my DeviantArt or YouTube in months

I have so much energy right now but no outlets

I still haven’t tried out my drawing pad i got for my birthday last year

I have so many drawing ideas but my spiral sketchpad is filled up and I have yet to get a new one

Ive many intricit and detailed story ideas that i know im gonna forget if i dont write them down bu due my procrastination i haven’t done so im prolly gonna lose everything

The fact Thurston Waffles hasn’t posted anything since late April as well as the fact that he’s got Kidney problems

So many ideas for videos but I only have WindowsMovieMaker and the HumbleBundle my mom got me idk YEARS ago won’t install

I’m gonna be 17 at the end of September, which i only have until next June before I graduate High school, have to give up my Chromebook, start thinking about college and getting a job, possibly moving out and living on my own, the knowledge that my parents are in their late 50′s and early 60′s so hey might be gone sooner than most parents and I dont know how to function without my parents doing everything for me

These weird tingles ive been getting in my body for he pas couple days

The fact that im not gonna a kid soon and im gonna have to grow and stop doing whatever i want whenever i want and i’m gonna never accomplish my dream of creating a successful cartoon and will probably end up at a dead end job I HATE just to make ends meet and eventually dying alone because I dont wanna be in a relationship or have kids

Everything is too overwhelming. The light, the sound, my thoughts, its all too much. I wanna curl up into a tiny ball and disappear from this awful experience called life

Capitalism

i hate being so passionately when i’m upset, everyone else is calm but i have meltdowns and freaks outs over things i shouldn’t even care about or are miniscule (Comes with being autistic i guess)

I have 0 patience and i hate it

I’m starting to regress back to being a childish brat after all the progress i’ve made

i’m constantly surrounded by either criticism or praise that contradict each other so i dont know what to believe about myself

the fact that i have so many great story ideas but i cant write a cohernt thought with proper grammer or sytax or spelling o save my life, nor the art skill or the patience or the tech to draw comics

i haven seen my therapist in days and i need help but i know im not actually gonna change 

having gender panic

I have no in person friends and ive forgotten how to interact with people

ive become a noodle limbed nerd

Ive gotten super skinny

I want someone o break through my shell and help me change bu I know thats just a fantasy and im the only one who can do that but im too lazy to put effort into it

everything i used to enjoy suddenly feels tedious monotonous repetitive and uninteresting

I feel trapped and scraed 

The fact after being bulied so much the only way i can really assert myself is to get violent and angry because they would want me breakdown and cry

I have this image in my head of who i want to be; And badass that people including adults, are scared of and know not to fuck with me or they’ll get hurt (Basically Jotaro, bu I’ve had this image since before i even knew what jojo was) And the fact I KNOW that i’s a pointless endever and that i only dig my own grave when i get mad but its like ingrained Branded into my my psyche so im always going to larp that vision of myself but not get anywhere and only regress further

I want to address my problems and change but I never do and stay static and regress

I cant take crticisim even though i know its true

The reason im so scared of writing fanfiction is because i know its gonna be a mess despite what i think is a great story and people will end up mocking it and what little self confidence i have will shatter

Star Vs wasted potential

the fact that I dont know where to take the whole “Rubi dies at the  end of he first season but comes back o life except she’s not actually she’s just a walking meat sack containing an anchint eldritch god that will, sooner or later, burst out of her and destroy her body, and she’s fighting for control of her ow body due to Skarlotus trying to devor her soul and Data’s medience is only delaying the inevitable” storyline of my concept cartoon, The Crypto Club

I have an AMAZING idea for an Invader Zim storyline that has fascism, rascism, mass genocide, child soldiers, political intrigue, propaganda, baiscally space hitler and more (okay that came out sound REALLY bad, but NONE of it painted as good!) It also involves Zim and Dib coming together to stop an even bigger threat and there is a really ironic ending that brings my OC GA83′s story full circle

[captainimprobable]

This photo popped up on my Facebook memories and I nearly lost my gd mind.  Everything under the cut is depressing so don’t click if you don’t wanna be bummed out

This is from Mother’s day, May 10th, 2015.  At this point I had been breaking down every night for a month, taking Ativan like it was candy, because lower doses stopped working since I took them so often.  I dropped out of college during finals week instead of just waiting for the semester to be over because I didn’t know if I could make it through another week. 3 days after this picture was taken, I checked myself into the hospital.  It was a planned check in, preemptively done so it wouldn’t come to a place where it would be an emergency.  I stayed for about a week, and when I got out I wasn’t cured or anything, but it had been the restart I needed to start working to get better. 2015 was the Year From Hell for my me and my family. (So far, it’s still beating 2020. Like. That many bad things happened in 2015.)

I spent most of my recovery alone, aside from my mother.  I had friends, that I loved and who I knew loved me, but when someone is going through something difficult and you don’t know what to say, sometimes you just say nothing at all.  Not to mention I kept all this very very quiet.  On the outside I looked fine.  I’ve been told by many, many therapists that  I’m the only patient they’ve ever had who can fool them into thinking things are great even if I’m wildly depressed, and my friends weren’t trained, so. Nobody really knew. I’ve been working my ass off for five years.  A year after this picture was taken, I graduated college.  By the end of that year I got my first job.  It took me a long long time to get to a place where I thought I could actually, maybe be a real person.  I was finally planning to start my career, which was going to lead to me moving out. I was finally, FINALLY, after 7 years of trying and failing, going to travel to japan. And then Covid happened.  And here I am, five years to the day later, feeling the same things I felt then, completely rewinded, like the past five years just haven’t happened.  We’re back, babes!!!!!! We’ve returned to the Shit Zone, no feeling good allowed!!!!  We’re back to having to take everything minute by minute, sleeping a lot and popping that Ativan again because I can’t stop crying. I’m fucked, my dudes.  Every year I’m so proud of how much progress I’ve made since May 13th, 2015. But right now all I see is the same pattern, the skipping work, the spontaneous sobbing mixed with being Totally Okay Somehow for a few days, and I’m alone again, because quarantine means nobody knows when we’re all gonna see each other again.  On top of that, i have nothing to look forward to since cons are cancelled.  Cons were basically the only thing I had..which I guess is shitty and lame, but it gave me an outlet, it was a place where I could be super gay and not worry about where I am, I was surrounded by people like me and not here, in my religious town, where nobody is like me.  (I am the Queen of the Drama Queens. Wow.) So all I see in front of me is the same thing, nothing, forever.  But hey the smores frapp comes out in two weeks!!!! Thank god.  I dont know what I would do without the smores frapp. (This is serious. Im not being sarcastic.  That shit is GOOD) Posting this is incredibly embarrassing for me because I’m not usually this open when something is wrong, but this picture popped up at an exact moment I was freaking out about something and I just had to do something.  So now, on top of everything, I’m severely embarrassed and I feel about three inches tall. Hi up there guys!!!! Things are great down here, I’ve managed to corral a spider and now I have a way of getting around without walking everywhere, so that’s rad.  Sorry if you think less of me. Surpriiiiiise Ive been a loser all along!!! I’m used to being vented to but the other way around...doesnt.....make sense??? Like, this feels illegal.  Was this too much information? I straight up Do Not Know. Anyway, thanks to the few people who know I’m losing my mind and have helped. Also I’m totally safe yall, that’s not something you need to worry about, I promise. idk wtf this post is for. actually. i might delete it like. soon. bc this feels Wrong and like Im crying for attention and i am a small helpless child. And Im not. But. Ill see. God this is bad if people see this they’re gonna think less of me but Im supposed to be this big advocate for mental illness on facebook, so I wanted to be honest, but I couldn’t get myself to post it on facebook so I’m putting it here and. Idk.  Sorry.

[darthputa]

life update

We secured our first place 👌🏾 It was super easy and went by quite fast, we only had to look at the one(our fave) from our list. The property manager is super nice, he is even making an exception to their 2 pet limit and letting me bring my two dogs as well as @sailormoonmoon and I’s 2 cats! Our move in date is April 1st!

I will be able to go to UNT after all! After my uncle ruined my life by deciding last minute not to pay my tuition, I was in a HUGE depression. Like it was reallt bad lmao, and its kinda why Im not on social media as much.

But I decided I would succeed and do this on my OWN out of spite so I can throw it in his face when I graduate (hopefully on the deans list every year!!)

It is going to take longer than I anticipated to graduate because when I was in community college I was still a JW, so my life plans were to get married, pionneer(door to door minstry but full time) and have babies, so I didnt care about school and I had no plans to ever transfer. I never met with an advisor, I just kinda did it all on my own, starting with gameart, then graphic design, then animation and finally picking painting. But since I never met with an advisor( not that it would have helped maybe since I wasnt going to transfer anywhere at the time) I didnt take the right prerequisites( drawing 2, design 1 and 2 and art history classes, i just did art appreciation). I had managed to be able to graduate based on following a degree plan online but, now that I am transferring Im in a weird spot where I cant apply for concetration and take most classes bc Im missing those prereqs. We were able to come up with one work around, my community college doesnt make you take design 1 and then design 2 in order, you can take both at the same time, and since they didnt offer design 1 last summer but design 2, my advisor said I could take Design 2 at collin during the summer and then design 1 at UNT for fall xD. She was so nice and helpful, and she even responded to my emails at 10, 11 pm lol

My major currently is a BFA for Stuido Art w a concentration in Drawing and Painting, w potentially a art history minor PERO they also have this visual arts education degree that would certify me to

teach k-12 in texas. Im just unsure of one, extending my graduation date( cause even w/o that Im gonna be 26 when i graduate... T_T), if I want to be in the State of Tx for a while...if i even want to teach those grade( kids are mean to fatties), and if I can afford living when I cant work( since id have to do a full 15-18 hours to fast track and for the last semster its student teaching fulltime so I wouldnt be able to work and you dont get paid. I know there are grants but Im just a little hesitant. But it would put me on the path of having a stable job as soon as I graduate, and Id be graduating with 3 degrees...The alternative is to just go to graduate school for painting so I can get a masters and be able to teach college, and you dont have to get certified and you can teach anywhere, so I could go back to florida or whatever state I wanted i guess. But ye Ill have to kepe thinking about it! I have a few months to decide!

Ive started seeing a dr, a psychatrist and a therapist. I havent been able to do much with them since they were booked so far out, and now Im moving soon. But it was still nice to get it started. Ill have to find a new dr, a new gyno, a new psychatrist and a new therapist in Denton. Also gotta find a new vet for all the critters.

My moms paying for all the move in costs, we just gotta pay for furniture. If any of you want to contribute, my paypal is still paypal.me/darthputa

:3c, we would appreciate it!

My uncle hasnt spoken to me since that all went down and its so frustrating bc everyones telling me to get over it, to reach out to him, that he feels bad and wants to help and its like, no one cares about my feelings, and he can tell me that shit himself you know? Like fuck off lmao. So I have no intention of ever speaking to him again. He wants to initiate, cool, apologize and pay of the student loans im having to take bc of you bailing on your promise and we will be cool. If not well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ hopefully my sister will be able to take care of you when ya old cause I aint.

Oh yea speaking of, I did Fasfa for the first time ever and im getting a good chunk of money to go to school. If I get these 2 other scholarships, Ill be able to pay my living expenses and bills as well and wont have to work(ideal!!) But ye, not even my mom is gonna be paying for my schooling, all on me and it feels good tbh. Tho she did offer to help me pay my student loans and I aint gonna say no lmaoooo

So yea thats where life is at the moment! Hopefully ill be able to be more active soon 👌🏾

[daydreaming-in-daisies]

just me complaining/venting about my burnout under the cut feel free to read lol

it's become pretty obvious that i need some sort of significant change in my life. let me just first highlight all of the things that are bothering me at the moment:

1. my full time job consuming damn near all of my time during the week. it was especially busy this week, leaving me exhausted and not wanting to do other things. it's work from home, which is better than having to go to some depressing ass cubicle. but i literally can't leave my house for most of the day, it sucks. especially since it's summer and i want to go out and take walks, get groceries, eat out, etc. i get pretty bad seasonal depression during winter, so during summer there's a pretty noticeable difference in my mood. however, it's a bit different this year given all the stuff i'm doing right now. this is literally an entry level customer service job, why the fuck do i need to be doing this bullshit all day?

2. the fact that i haven't graduated college yet. i know it's now pretty common to take more than 4 years to graduate college (most of my friends took or are taking like 5-8 years), but it just all feels so tedious now. i feel i've been in school for too long and i also really dislike my major, so i just feel tired of it all. im really hoping i'll be able to graduate by the end of this year and that my mental health, having to take additional credits, etc wont get in the way of that.

3. i've started marketing for my business and even though i literally just started a few weeks ago, i feel shitty about the fact that the account isn't getting much engagement. apparently, the IG algorithm has changed recently and now favors accounts that are spending money on ads. i'm gonna test out some other methods, but i just hate the fact that i'm not getting the results i was expecting. i know i sound mad impatient lol. i just really want this to work because i genuinely don't know what else i want to do as a career for now. tbh, i dont even know if i care to have a "career" in this shitty capitalist system.

4. i'm kind of over living in the state that i do. the quality of life is here is great and i do like it when it's warm out. but the thing is, it's cold as shit most of the year and i've been here for over a decade at this point. i didn't even choose to live here either lol. i don't know for sure if i just need to travel more often after i graduate or if i just need to straight up leave, but i have a feeling im gonna have to move out sometime fairly soon (in the next few years, i mean). i want to live somewhere warm, i was looking at san diego, santa monica, and carmel-by-the-sea (all in CA). though it's pretty expensive over there. moving is also contingent on how much money i have, which is why i'm so stressed out about my business. the other alternative would just be to move into my own place and travel as often as i can.

5. i'm just now coming to terms with the fact that i spent all of my teenage years and early 20s in a cult and didn't even realize it until recently. i can't give much detail as to what kind of cult it was, otherwise my identity will be super obvious to anyone who might potentially know me reading this. i can say that i officially left in december 2021, but i essentially ignored the ways in which it traumatized me for months and i actually cried while talking about it to a therapist a few days ago. i try to move on from things that no longer serve me fairly quickly, so i just ignored it for months. but it was essentially a cult of toxic positivity mixed in with pseudoscientific bullshit, gaslighting, victim blaming, spiritual "hustle culture", and conspiracies (depending on who you talk to). its super popular now and you've probably heard of it, like i cant even go online without seeing something about it. it's not like i get severely triggered whenever i see it. i don't start crying or hyperventilating or anything like that, but i do flinch a little or make a face of annoyance or disgust, maybe even roll my eyes a bit. when people talk about it around me in person, i can't help but to get a little annoyed. if you go through my blog a little you might be able to figure out what it is. but it affected how i make friends, how i view people, how i view the world, and just about every other aspect of my life. now that its no longer a part of my life, i feel pretty hopeless without it. i genuinely thought i could do anything with my life when i was part of that cult, but now, i have certain anxieties that didnt exist before. whats funny is that the cult is pretty much the reason why i was depressed and anxious for so long. i don't feel as bad now that i've left, but i do still feel anxious and sad, but it's a different kind of anxiousness and sadness.

6. even though i've been trying to go out and make friends these past few months, i feel like i dont connect with the people i'm meeting. granted, this is just one group of girls and tbh our group chat has kind of died down. i'm trying to see if i can go to a different meetup tomorrow and hang out with some of the people there. we're just gonna go for a walk, which is much needed after feeling alone and isolated all this week. i really hope i can find some genuine, best girl friends who are similar to me. i do have good friends, but i dont see them very often. i'd like someone who i can see more consistently who i have things in common with. i've actually had a "best friend" before and would really love to have that.

7. i haven't been eating as much or as well as i should be since i tend to not eat a lot when im stressed and/or generally feeling shitty. i've also been breaking out a bit due to stress and period hormones from this past week. so yeah, i kinda look and feel like shit rn lmao.

8. capitalism and just the general state of the world and the US rn. honestly at this point im fucking tired of people doing things that aren't actually productive or helpful, like calling for random, unorganized strikes or having these lame ass protests. not trying to incite anything for legal reasons, but a whole revolution needs to happen and i don't think we're ready for that rn. it'll probably happen again, just not now. i know this issue is way bigger than me, but the cult i was in was always preaching about money being easy to get and how if you're poor it's your fault. since leaving, i've educated myself more on how fucked up capitalism is and how it really is the root of like 99% of the problems we face on earth. so yeah, fuck capitalism and fuck that cult i was in and anybody who subscribes to either of those ideas. thanks for coming to my ted talk ✨

[siodymph]

Gonna rant a little under the cut :P Personal problems and mental health, that sort of thing

Like nothing serious is going on with me I don’t think, but I’m feeling this summer depression kinda building up. At first I thought it was just coming on with my menstrual cycle cause that happens to me usually but the negative-junk is lingering. Personally, I theorize that it maybe a culmination of feelings after staying a few days with my increasingly-racists grandparents alone, one of my friends visiting home (idk this one is weird it’s like 1/6 jealously tbh but 5/6 uncomfortableness cause she’ll kinda harp on me about school and finding a job and I know she cares but at the same time I always feel put-down after hanging out with her, even though I still consider her a dear friend), and general stress of transferring colleges and finding money to pay for school, all my cats having medical shit happening to them and whatever the fuck has been building up in my brain without a healthy outlet.

TBH It feels similar to the summer after a graduated high school, but that was like really really bad and this current feeling is more like a sorta demi-piece compared to that shitstorm three years ago.

Also sorta a weird thing but 3 years ago all of my malcontent was aimed directly at me. But this time around instead of thinking really negative of myself and envisioning not-cool things happening to me, it’s over-riding my day dreams. Like I’ll try envisioning something fun and fictional but then my brain sorta veers right suddenly and whatever protagonist im imagining goes through all of this horrible shit that usually ends with them being isolated and both mentally and physically unreachable by the fictional people they cared about. So it’s not me thinking about myself, but arguably it’s still me thinking about myself.

But even though it’s not as bad I’m still getting the feeling I should talk to someone professional about whats going on. But I still have some concerns about that cause I live with my family and am on all their insurance and paperwork. So if I wanna go talk to someone, I’m going to have to tell them first. Which I do not look forwards too at all. TBH we all got emotional-constipation issues and I hate bringing up my mental health and emotional state to anyone in my family. (At least things I don’t have diagnosed. My Sensory, Visual and Auditory processing disorders, that they’re fine with. But me bringing up depression or thoughts of violence I doubt will be as comfortable of a subject. Like I said, emotionally-constipated, also they really don’t like to see me as feeling like that since i’m always personified as the “happy-to-help”, “easy-going flower-child” daughter in my family.)

And if I go to one of my mom’s background doctors or therapists they will most likely have a christian/religious background and while that can be reassuring and strengthening for some people I don’t think it would help me in my current mental state. That and also I’m nervous about sharing my mental thoughts with a doctor and them misinterpreting that I am suicidal or self-harming or worse that I feel an urge to hurt others or anything else that could get me misdiagnosed or in some other trouble.

But I did read on here some folks suggested going to psychologists and therapists still in school training or who recently graduated as they will be closer in age and better empathize with fellow students and young adults trying to make it through life. And I know tumblr is tumblr but I might try looking into that as a viable option. 

So yeah I’m not as bad as I use to be, but every so often this summer I’ve been getting eerily similar waves-of-negative-thought which I do not care for at all. But nothing really bad and I think I’ll be ok. 

And i’m still trying to remember the good, like my buddy being home from the UK and another bud being home for the summer, and my rainbow-bat and monika cosplays and Metrocon later this summer, the science bros fan-week happening soon, and all the fics I wanna write and am working on! And the fact that i did get into USF and well be attending in the fall! So it’s not the end of the world, my mind’s just being weird and negative and I gotta keep an eye on that.

Ok I’m done ranting now lol

[dadfashion]

cw: brief mentions of suicidal ideation, drug and alcohol addiction, and general oversharing. lol i have no idea how yall do these anymore

hey. no idea if anyone will read this but sometimes u just need to put things out into the universe and maybe someone will see it you know. also i will say im in a particularly fragile mental state atm - have not slept in maybe 40 hours - that probably is part of the reason i’m about to spill my guts out here, haha. have not used this blog in years, not even sure when i made it honestly, all i know is i was in such a radically different place in life than i am today. not to say i don’t stand by anything i may have said lol because the vast majority of those feelings and experiences are still here today. but i have existed in the world a little bit longer now and definitely navigate them a little differently and in a more authentic way than i was able to in the past, which is great.

idk im not really trying to talk about my gender right now im just trying to take stock of things as i enter month 6, 7 etc of quarantine. past year or two of my life has easily been the hardest thus far even before the pandemic, tbh even considering my 2015 s*ic*de attempts. lots of mental issues gone untreated for way too long u know. got diagnosed w some real fucked up adhd maybe 2 years ago, eventually had to drop out of school for a year- this is my first semester back lol this time at a much cheaper school. no idea when i’ll graduate. i got a lot of debt already. it was dumb. i live in a “leftist” cooperative house with 22 other people, mostly students. i say leftist very loosely because the vast majority of these people do not come close to holding any sort of true anti imperialist principles, and many are actively anti-communist lmao. don’t worry im not really here to talk about my politics either.

idk. im at kind of a turning point where i decide to get my shit together or not- i’ll be transferring to a new school with a new major after my initial crash and burn. i got a job i like pretty well even if its waiting tables during the global pandemic. making enough money to pay rent And have a little savings account w that and the unemployment i received combined. lol unemployment changed my life actually bc i literally am financially stable for the first time ever in my life so at least theres that.

im addicted to alcohol, w**d, and nicotine. im in the middle of a terrible e*ting d*sorder relapse. have not seen anyone other than those i live and work with since maybe april. i am deeply deeply depressed, lonely, and insecure still, even before the adhd on top of that. i feel constantly like i’m somehow on the brink of snapping and going truly “insane” for real, whatever the hell that means as if im not insane already. my mental health is in fucking shambles lol but to be fair i genuinely am very impressed at how much worse it could be but isn’t. at least im not actively suicidal and haven’t been in a hot minute. at least i have access to medication and a fucking therapist now dude. there are some things that bring me joy but i worry they won’t be enough for me to survive whatever comes next.

idk. im not gonna go back and read my older posts on here but i’d probably be a little embarrassed by them, much like im sure i will be of this one soon. not sure what im going to do or where anything goes from here. whole country and government is collapsing around me as i speak so. thanks for reading this if for some reason u came across this. hope ur doing well.

[mikecardenmpreg]

recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on. 

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism) 

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want. 

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

[robomoboto]

The Ballad of Gay Angels

When you panic, is it a jackrabbit? can’t hide it or fight it get caught up with flightless Internet webcaster call it a fever to fester causes non-sequiters and concern for the bastards needy begging pleading crying father drive faster the only place that can heal me is up this driveway shove aside your bylaws and drylaws and pityfuck lays gotta get that molecule so deep into my brain whether oxytocin hydrocodone weed or meth or being alone osmosis prognosis find it passed your membrane inside your game now not turning back now if this is what’ll heal me give me the effect now He's an impatient man feel better now or never something better gotta make me clever so He can graduate with no kevlar don’t need a thick skin when you’re halfway in Debt up to your knees begging god money please give him drugs give him love fuck it give him a hug He's so stressed it’s coming out his ears gave his mom a fear of God she thinks this will be his downfall But no way no how he's J**** fucking B***man God damn it he deserves better he ain’t no ragdoll heathen drown him or stab him bitch he’ll keep breathing He's dragging oxygen in his lungs cutting the rungs of the ladder below 'im you can blow him it’s all him now he's the free one now look at him up here he swear he higher than you up here umbrella keep him drier than you And he can’t drive and he can’t dive but he can keep going through the motions wish the doctor’d just give him a potion to cure all need something better that ain’t no Demerol man what’s wrong with him? where’s the honesty? lyin to your therapist is not the way to be Like you’re still here but where’s your allure what makes you happy if you’re full of sappy love and you’re spilling it all over him but he still looks done and the pasture ain’t green no more like he’s seen this side of you before Like he’s already seen your core like you’re still here but calling yourself a failure cos it gets late sometimes and the pasture ain’t green no more

Okay well think Ottowa, 2024, he's 24, mostly gay, trying to write screenplays to get laid but all he gets is laid off, bills aint paid off but smoke something cough cough and he's forgotten, he's lost and drifting, kissing meager mists pissing bedsheets washed but not dry now doesn't matter he'd die now lay down and cry now god it feels like he's dying now he knows that phone calls comes soon and when it does it'll fill his room sound bounces off every wall fills it full up better answer the call he says shit, better get this, picks up and shits bricks cos it's his mom, she's on her own now, broke down and clowning around she says can you come get me, son, I thinking it's here that I'm drowning I'm sitting here with this liquor I just keep on downing tried something else but this one I snort and it don't help and it don't get me to work I tell myself maybe I need just a car get myself away so so far but that won't help, keep me away from you more so please come see your mother she is awfully bored

he says mama of course lays a course due south heading out vaguely knows where he's going But to be honest he's decomposing long long ago he got his heart frozen another guy got chosen and there was no one else just a string of bad choices got locked up in a cell went away just 2 years, but boy that was enough come out and everyone sees what's about cos he's a man now, not a kid so sometimes he blows his lid and they hear it clear across town, that he's blown up and tearing it down where that temper come from? you know it's meager crumbs not enough love no one to fit like a glove or a puzzle piece or some shitty cliche but the truth is you feel some type of way feels like everythings gonna be okay and you know you can keep taking on days but he dont have that, not enough so on a whim follow a gust of wind taking him south find the one who set him rattling about tell her off, make her cough, maybe try something new try a different city different country stage a coup

few days later he's there, but it's the desert now used to be the beach but it's better now see the stars every night start a barfight it's new mexico baby who cares about lights? Tracks down an address, gets all nice and dressed up goes in all sweet smiles and fruit punch, but deep down inside he knows he's still a scorpion and she's no where near fast as lightning no poison coursin in so after a while he goes, but hes still smart enough he knows meant the world to her, to see her boy know he's still kicking, ticking big ol windup toy

he says shit, what now keeps going further south hits a border, runs, gets a few miles in then collapses of dry mouth fuck shit is this it? No dipshit hears a wail, a scream, a gunshot crack scrambles up and then back til his back hits the wall, takes a moment to breathe til something beautiful falls he sees the angel in front of him, Order of the goddamn nephilim, offers to change him in exchange for choppin off his wings Fuck it, I'm game, he sees a blinding flash then pain finds himself laid on on the ground no one else around, but when he stands he falls over looks down at his belly, finds a brand burnt flesh marking him the order of nephilim, so he flew heavensent, found his fucking breath again take a break from earthly death again til he finds himself alone, at the end of the world, called his memories pearls, watched the death of the old, carried himself all that way and then starts again yesterday

[thedraculah]

it’s time to grow up.

funny, this was meant to be a positive journal entry on deviantart but then it got so depressing i couldnt post it, so im putting it here.

i know i've been getting less and less active here with every week- every month. it's okay. i've been busy, right? no...n o i haven't. it's so bizarre. i'm proud of everyone- i can see so much improvement in their lives, their art, themselves, everyone is growing up, graduating college- i haven't even gone yet. yet. will i ever? my therapist says i shouldnt compare myself to others, as theyre aging theyre becoming more enveloped in life, maturing, settling down, having a real career, succeeding in life- and i'm getting older too but i'm still stuck in the exact same place, metaphorically and literally, that i have been for over ten years. they tell me to grow up. and i feel ashamed of myself. why cant i grow up? why am i the way i am? i beat myself up over it, over myself, constantly. ive made no progress in life at all ive been wasting my life ive always been this way and ijust feel trapped behind the ice while everyone is growing up and getting on with their lives and doing great things i have made no progress and ijus t feel liek such a failure because i know ive wasted my life already i wasted m learning years on video games and sleeping and now im stupid and stuck like this forever- i will never amount to anything and my childishness has ruined so much my childish actions have ruined valued friendships wasted many amazing opportunities that iwill never ever get the chance for again im turning 20 soon but ive already wasted m y entire fucking life i had so many hopes for the future but i know that i'll never, never get to accomplish any of my dreams because i screwed it all up and threw it all away the second i decided i didnt want to stay in school if i could go back and fix it fix myself fix everything maybe i wouldnt be such an idiot maybe i would have grown up maybe i could be happy now but its all impossible and ihad one shot at this but i screwed it all up and now my life is ruined and its gonna hit rock bottom and its gonna keep going down from here i know this because i fucked it all up everything i will never amount to anything ive wasted my opportunities to change, to learn, to do something iwth my life and im gonna die as i lived, a complete and utter failure.

[wonderfullynerdy]

Anyway ugh if you wanna listen here's the deal I am done I am 5,000% done okay here's the fucking deal y'all, and don't fucking tell me to just see a therapist literally don't tell me this don't tell me to be more positive, don't just don't say anything To me if that's gonna be your fucking response just fucking tell me you do not wanna hear it because hey I get it, that's fair but telling me to see a therapist is a bullshit response...IM NOT GOING TO WASTE THEIR FUCKING TIME IM NOT GONNA PAY TO TALK TO SOMEONE just tell me you don't care, I get it it.........ugh look in not supposed to be alive anymore I was supposed to die years ago my purpose in existing has already been fulfilled I was make for one moment and that moment has passed, I did my job and now it's done my life was supposed to be like perfect bookends save a life close to the start end my own at the end but that second moment came and went and I didn't fulfill the final part of that and this girl I went to high school with died tragically the day of graduation and I have in a small part felt that her death was to fulfill the debt I created in the universe by my continued existence, that and my class had been dropping like flies in the first few years after graduation, I have created a debt that can never be repaid This is why I'm still single and have been for so long, my brain doesn't work the same as everyone else's, I just will never not feel like square peg in a round whole, my body was a shoddy rushed job I wasn't made for the long haul, and their just isn't someone like that for me...I just don't have a "person" and any Romantic relationship I ever have found myself in has not been okay and well any future ones I find myself in won't be okay because it's not meant for me that's just the fucking deal I appreciate you reading to the bottom i know this didn't make much sense I tagged for those avoiding triggers I will delete this soon I just needed to shout into the void

[annanicole2004-blog]

yeah i think im gonna start using this dead website mostly for journaling purposes and having a place to put my thoughts on a public forum (as public as my literally 4 mutual followers is) i know that theres a private setting but the fact that anyone can see and maybe relate to what i post is somewhat comforting to me and maybe it will be for them too who knows

i asked for donations on facebook today. I shouldn’t feel bad but i do. everyone is struggling, everyone knows college is expensive and life is expensive. I like being independent and paying my own way, and I don’t really like asking for help with money things. I like having my own money but I also like having the time/energy to pass all my classes. Its a frustrating balance. I got about $30 so far from friends. I shouldn’t feel guilty because I know the world ought to be kinder and everyone struggles from time to time, and I wouldn’t hesitate to give a friend a little extra money if they needed it. I don’t think I really want to be dead, but I do think about not being born a lot. I think about things ive bought that I don’t really need. Times I went out instead of finishing something for a class. I wish I were more responsible, less impulsive, less scatter brained. I wish I didn’t feel like I was moving in slow motion all the time. I wish I didn’t sit in restaurants spacing out for hours at a time because i cant tune out the static in my head. People are very patient with me and I want to be better. I’m a shitty communicator and I have low self esteem and most of the time I can’t really seem to get much work done. Dealing with me is probably the most frustrating thing. I’ve got a lot of great ideas and potential and if I could pull it together I could be a really successful person. I think things will be better once I graduate, but also a lot of opportunities will no longer be there once I’m feeling more focused/less emotionally vulnerable and that makes me kind of sad. I try not to be hard on myself for taking 6 years to graduate bc ive spent enough time torturing myself as it is. Its wasted mental energy. I could be spending that energy thinking of ideas for projects. I can’t give power to these thoughts that I have.

I wish I could forget I ever met This One Person who im going to refer to as Person bc this is th’internet. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind all of their toxic shit out of my brain. I hate that I dwell on it so much but a lot of things just were so messy and it was never resolved, and I feel like I can’t talk about it with people without them getting tired of it. Person was a sexual predator and i thought they cared for me but it was a manipulation tactic and that’s what i need to get thru my self destructive triflin ass brain. I like to see the good in people and I put my trust in people I shouldn’t. I guess maybe now I know better....right? I used to think my vulnerability was a good thing but now im not sure. I wonder if I’m just weak. Everyone loves a bad bitch who never catches feelings. Nobody wants to see her cry. I wish I was like her too. I wish I didn’t have fantasies of hitting Person with my car.

I can’t think about sex without wanting to cry anymore. I masturbate to memories of sex with Person, and I feel so pathetic. I knew I liked them but I didn’t know what to do with those feelings. I dont think I even want a relationship? im so confused.... I was hurt when they didnt have the same feelings, but wanted to fuck me ??? I felt like a hole. They were on top of me telling me how damaged they were from catching feelings for another girl, like could you maybe wait until u aren’t inside me?????? asshole !!!!!!!!!!!maybe casual sex just isnt my thing and i should stop trying to pretend it is. I was so angry and confused and I think for valid reasons but idk. i was so desperate and pathetic. idk whats wrong with my brain. Im so confused. I wish I was more free with my sexuality, but I can’t remember the last time I felt good about sex. When I used sex as self harm I literally fucked strangers just so I could feel wanted. I wasn’t even attracted to most of them, and the sex was often terrible. It was boring !!! But I felt like that’s what I deserved. I deserved whatever stds I got from fucking random strangers from craigslist. It sounds horrible when I type it out but that’s the truth. I don’t know where I got such bad self-esteem. I look outside myself and I know its holding me back but I don’t know how to stop it. I think its bc I’m still so dependent on my worth as a person being determined by my attractiveness to ppl. I’d like to move on from that, seems a little juvenile. I’d like to stop comparing myself to other girls. I wish I could visit a sex therapist who could break down all this phobia I have and make everything make more sense. I’d like to enjoy sex in my life but I always catch feelings that I wish I could just turn off. Person told me that I feel everything too much. I hate them and I wish I didn’t believe that. I know myself and I think I feel things in perfectly normal proportions, I’m just not as good at hiding them. so dont police my feelings asshole. regardless, they had a point. If I could turn them off I would. Fucking prick. Fucking predatory, asshole prick that doesn’t deserve my presence. The time will come when I never think of them again and I pray that day arrives soon.

Theres things I do like about myself. I’m funny. I’m independent. In some ways, I’m quite brave. I take risks. I’m always gentle. I listen and I want my friends to trust me and get strength from me, bc this world is a goddamn shitshow and everyone needs a little help. I know I have to survive in this world being genuine to who I am, even if everything around me tries to break that down. I’m not going to let it. I know I do things a little differently and it doesn’t make sense to people, but I think I’m capable of so much. I’ve lived through lots of trauma and its given me a lot of pain and probs part of what keeps me from functioning normally but its also what makes me strong. And fuck everyone else, crying and being real about how u feel is strength. And soon, after 6 goddamned years of suffering, I’m gonna graduate. And I’m proud of myself for making it thru 6 years of scraping by working part time and taking classes with fuckhead professers and dealing with this backwards ass university profiting off my struggle. I’m gonna have a fucking BFA that I worked for and achieved. I’m gonna live and thrive, which is more than I can say for Person !!!!!! 

[hauntedwoman]

tag game!!

i was tagged by the lovely @regulusblaek (thank youu

1. drink - chocolate milk

2. phone call - my mom. i got lost in target kms

3. text message - my bff gigi

4. song you listened to - “serious” from legally blonde: the musical

5. time you cried - maybe a week ago?? it’s a new record tbh

ever

6. dated someone twice? - lol no

7. kissed someone and regretted it - nope

8. been cheated on - yes *sips tea*

9. lost someone special - yeah :(

10. been depressed - All the Time :)))

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - no lol

fave colors

12. blush pink

13. white

14. gold

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - yup

16. fallen out of love - nah

17. laughed until you cried - yup

18. found out someone was talking about you - Every Day tbh…. jealousy is a disease… get better soon, bitch!! xoxo

19. met someone who changed you - yup!!

20. found out who your friends are - uh yeah totally

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - nope

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - all of them

23. do you have any pets - one cat named Smokey (aka the Goodest Boy)

24. do you want to change your name - eh i always say i hate it but nah

25. what did you do for your last birthday - got dragged by my “best frined” at my own bday party in front of my other friends and family … it was gr9!!!

26. what time did you wake up today - 5am kms

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - sleeping; a bitch has got to get her beauty sleep

28. what is something you cant wait for - graduating from this fucking high school i s2g

30. what are you listening to right now - “bad influence” - p!nk

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - my dad’s name is tom :)))

32. something thats getting on your nerves - our “rival” high school’s theatre dept is putting on “the wiz” in a few weeks. it’s the same time OUR muscial goes up so OUR ticket sales are gonna suffer bc “the wiz” is more well-known than “you’re a good man charlie brown” and our dept has NO MONEY AND THIS OTHER SCHOOL IS SHOVING IT IN OUR FACES THAT THEY GOT THIS MONEY AND A COOL FLY SYSTEM LIKE OKAY??? we have Real talent not just fancy tech grow Up LOLLLLLL *takes deep breath* okay i’m done :)

33. most visited website - probably this hellsite + twitter

34. hair colour - blonde

35. long or short hair - uhm it’s about medium length??

36. do you have a crush on someone - yes kms it’s so fucked up

37. what do you like about yourself - i like my singing voice……. sometimes……

38. want any piercings? - maybe more ear peircings? nothing crazy though

39. blood type - shit idk……..

40. nicknames - mags, tigger

41. relationship status - SINGLE LOL

42. zodiac - virgo

43. pronouns - she/her

44. fave tv shows - parks and rec, grace and frankie, the unbreakable kimmy schmidt, criminal minds

45. tattoos - none

46. right or left handed - left

47. ever had surgery - yup

48. piercings - just one in each ear

49. sport - i used to be on the swim team

50. vacation - uhm where do i want to go on vacation? NYC for sure, maybe somewhere like the french country too

51. trainers - what are trainers? are trainers sneakers? bc if so i usually wear my red vans, converse high tops or my black nikes

more general

52. eating - i just ate tacos for dinner

53. drinking - xxx flavored vitiman water

54. im about to watch - nothing, i’m gonna do my reading for economics class and then go to sleep bc i’m Tired

55. waiting for - the sweet release of Death

56. want - a boyfriend tbh

57. get married - hell yeah, if someone is willing to spend the rest of their life with me i’m down

58. career - actress or music therapist

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - hugs

60. lips or eyes - eyes

61. shorter or taller - taller

62. older or younger - older (but i always seem to fall for younger guys kms)

63. nice arms or stomach - neither, good jawline ;)

64. hookup or relationship - relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant - hesitant

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - nope

67. drank hard liquor - yeah

68. lost glasses - no thank god

69. turned someone down - yeah………..i feel so shitty about it tbh

70. sex on first date - no lol

71. broken someones heart - shit i hope not

72. had your heart broken - yeah :/

73. been arrested - no lol

74. cried when someone died - yup

75. fallen for a friend - *sweats nervously* what are you talkin’ about?

do you believe in

76. yourself - LOL NO

77. miracles - eh depends

78. love at first sight - sure

79. santa clause - my mom ruined that shit for me

80. kiss on a first date - it depends

81. angels - i guess?

other

82. best friend’s name - gigi, gaby, ben, trevor, ketura, barbara

83. eye colour - gray/blue/green???

84. fave movie - TITANIC (1997) WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY JAMES CAMERON

85. fave actor - billy zane, sebastian stan, margot robbie, chris evans, emma stone, vivien leigh, robert taylor….. and i am tagging: @undomielle @damierons @expelumos @lestraxnge and uhhh idk who else??? if you wanna do it go ahead my dudes :)))

[weedeyedhoney]

a post about my crush. i need to let my feelings out somewhere.

i hung out with my crush two nights ago and not to sound like a 2010 taylor swift song, but it was a fairytale. but like, my kind of fairytale. i can’t even explain to you how relaxed i felt the whole time i was with him. when i like someone, just being around them makes me feel at ease. there’s no awkward silences, or uncomfortable body language. that’s how i usually determine who i want to be around, and who i’d rather stay away from. he doesn’t make me feel weird around him, and i don’t overthink. i’m literally..... just..... living in the moment. there. is. no. other. place. i’d. rather. be. i love that feeling. i love carrying alone with a clear mind and carefree attitude. i love not worrying about the next move, and enjoying what’s right in front of me. that’s how he makes me feel!!!!! two days later, and i still don’t want the night to end. i can’t wait until i see him again.

he’s so funny. his humor is cute. and dorky. and i kid you not, i was probably wearing this goofy ass smile the whole time. i remember being so nervous about meeting up with him. i mean, i went alone. i didn’t want him to think “wow this bitxh really has no friends.” i was worried that i’d get there and he’d already be gone. it was supposed to be a casual meet up, i mean WE’RE FRIENDS, but the virgo in me always has to overthink the worst case scenario. but i arrived at the bar, with the big upstairs room that looks over the horrendous view of dirty 6th. it’s funny how we lose our minds in such a dreadful place. it’s even funnier how that doesn’t bother me at all as long as he’s around. the bar wasn’t as crowded as a saturday night. the room was kinda empty, and the floor seemed like it stretched for miles. i walked starting at the ground, and glanced up every few seconds trying to spot him. in the midst of getting caught up in my own thoughts, i notice two feet planted right in front of me. i look up and see him...... my crush!!! it was like a movie. deadass. it was like we were the only two people in the room. he gives me a hug, and looks happy to see me. every negative thought in my mind vanishes. “hey there you are” he says. “we’re actually about to leave, but come on, you can hang with us.” bet. i’m up for it, i’m up for anything. we find his friend, his best friend, and we head out. we go to his bar across the street. his friend, who is a dj, finds interest in the dj playing that night and goes up to talk to him, leaving my crush and i alone. just like any other modern day romance, he buys me a beer and we stare at each other awkwardly (but like, cute awkward) and small talk until we get bored of the place and leave. the three of us continue to bar hop around. the whole time my crush was being the life of the party (cancer nodded). we people watched from the upstairs at this one club, and started throwing straws at people becuase we’re immature, but geez. i was laughing the whole time. everything felt lighthearted. he’s so..... cool.

then shit started to get rocky. we arrived at what would be the last bar of the night. as soon as we arrived, his friend decides to leave. i panic. this would mean my crush and i would be alone!!!!!!! fuck. his friend leaves and we sit there on this picnic table until i break the silence by saying “we should take a shot! your birthday shot!” he agrees, but also, a little distracted. “i think i’m going to talk to her.” i turn around and see this white girl sititng at the end of the table. “oh....” i start, “uhhh well okay” i stand there, a little awkward. i’m really sure what to do. i’m not about to get a shot for someone who is just going to leave me there alone. he turns around to smile at the girl, and she gives him this awkward smile back. i see her make eye contact to this guy in line buying drinks. ah ha! this girl’s already taken. do i tell my crush? well, i try, but he chooses to be a guy and not listen. hm. “i think i’m gonna go to the bathroom first.” i tell him. then i leave and let him realize on his own.

while in the bathroom, i begin to reevaluate this whole situation. 1. i know that i like him. 2. but he thinks we’re just here as friends. 3. jealously in an ugly look on me. 4. if what i think is true then that girl is out there with that other guy and he’s sititng alone by himself. i pull up my boss ass bitxh pants (even tho i was wearing a dress), and go back out there. listen. im a virgo. a mutuable sign. whatever fate decided for me, i was just going to have to deal with it. i walk back out and sure enough, he standing alone that THAT GIRL IS WITH THAT GUY!!! i let out a sigh. i knew it. i either had two options. 1. to walk back to him and act petty, distant, and uninterested bc what the fuck. or 2. pretend nothing happened and i wasn’t bothered, and be his friend. i chose the latter. i went up to the bar, made sure he didn’t see me, and asked the bartender to order me two of the sweetest shots. i knew my crush wasn’t a big fan of straight shots, which is why it would be a good idea to give him something sweet, that would drown out the taste. i got the shots, paid, and literally danced my way back to him. nelly’s “hot in here” was blasting on the speakers. he turned around to see me, and fuck, got this big smile on his face. “here you go!!! i got the two most sweetest shots!! they should be good.” i don’t know what came over me, but after that incident, i started being more talkative and open and less shy. it was a great idea on my part. earlier in the night he mentioned how he wanted to get high, so i asked him, “how long do you want to stay here?” and he responded, “i’m ready to leave when you are.” and i said “let’s go get high!!” and we ran off. from then on the vibe was different. i have it separated into two parts: before the white girl, and after the white girl. it was as if the beginning of the night was the opening act, not really sure how the night would go so we were both playing it safe. but after we left the last bar, everything felt more personal. we were actually having real conversations and joking like we hung out everyday. it reminded me of the first night we met. everything was so fast paced, but time was still going slow enough for us to wallow in every second. there was this rush!!! this burning energy that wasn’t going out anytime soon. there was literally not a dull moment. out energies bounced off each other, quick. and there was passion. i swear.

we arrived to his car that was parked at his best friend’s place. we got in his car and he quickly realized that the weed was left in his friends place. we waited for his friend to get home and went inside to get the highest of highs!!!!! “this is my friend _____’s place. as you can see..... i don’t bring just any random girl up here. consider yourself lucky ;)” asjsljsl!!!! i want to pull all my hair out. we sit down and this bitxh pulls out the weed and off we go. i notice that he has a cancer lighter..... ummmm my kink??? he points over to his friend’s dj set and his friend begins free styling while my crush and i start falling in love *ahem* i mean, talking in the background. i feel like this was one of the most crucial nights of the night. i’m kind of glad we weren’t alone because being around him and his friend, in a setting where he’s probably very comfortable, caused me to get to know a side of him i hadn’t seen before. he’s very talkative, very smart, and very opinionated, but not in a rude way (cancer nodded, again). i think what attracts me the most to him is that he seems pretty normal, like, real. he doesn’t try to be anybody that he’s not. what you see is really what you get and i like what i see. we started talking about school. he asked me what my major was, 4 months after knowing me. how hot is that?? my worst question ever is “what is your major?” i told him i didn’t know. instead of saying “well what do you like to do?” (which is my second worst question), or making me feel like a dumbfuck for not knowing, he said “hmm. well you’re really good at reading people. i can tell. and you also seem like you’re really good at talking to people too. maybe a therapist? i don’t know. i’m not telling you that that’s what you should be, but it’s always an option. i nod in agreement , and he continues, “but you’re smart, and i know you’ll figure it out.” what a perfect answer. what a perfect response. i proceed to ask him about his school life, and he gets a little stiff. kind of the way i do when people ask me. “uhhh well, i was supposed to graduate next semester, but i don’t think that’s going to happen. i have a lot of stuff going on, and i might have to be a part time student.” but that’s okay. you finished when you finish. i reassure him and then he reassures the both of us, and the next topic of the conversations appears.

i don’t know. i like him because he’s not put together, and i see a lot of that in myself. i love whenever i see my own reflection in somebody else because it’s easier to resonate and empathize and it always makes me feel more comfortable. it’s an indicator that i’m about to let my walls down, no control. we went to mcdonald’s after we got high as a kite. he drove. his friend sat in the back seat. i sat in the passenger. the windows were rolled down. i felt so chill, and i cannot reiterate how comfortable i felt the whole entire time. he started asking me questions about my best friend, noting that our friendship was “so cute.” he continues to make dumb jokes. ugh god, he’s so funny. he pays for everybody’s meal (ugh cancer nodded, once again) and then drops me off. by that time it was 4 am.

im not worried or stressed about this crush anymore. i think tuesday gave me a lot more confidence than before. i think my next move is to continue hanging out with him and being friendly. i don’t want to rush something that i really want.

[anything-advice-blog]

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn

[girlwithsword]

so i haven’t journaled in 2 weeks because i am a #mess and a lot of stuff has happened so i think broad summaries are more in order

basic themes: the summer, school, the next week, the house, ken, friends, family, my health

the summer: we had the group sicha for mosh madatz applicants and i had my interview with ari for the gilboa position, galil applications just came out

i don’t think i’m going to get mosh or gilboa - not ‘cause i’m not qualified, i am, but there just seems to be a lot of people more suited for that tafkid at those machanot than myself

galil is still open and idk as much what the landscape is like so it’s still a possibility, but idk what i’m going to to if i don’t get madatz madricha. i have been actively trying to separate what i want from the summer from the tafkid and i can’t do it. 

Hannah and Sarah have made a proposal for a kvutzah messima based on leading nachshonimot and I’m down with that, but Hannah think that i could just go to Galil and be with their bogrimot and do that and maybe i could but a) that still wouldn;t give me the tzevet experience i’m looking for b) i wouldnt have the time or freedom to build a tochnit and c) i do NOT want to be the person coming in to the summer, especially as an outsider, demanding to be with certain kids! That person sucks!

I’ve talked to Hannah and to Bekah about it and im trying to talk to the mads but if i don’t get madatz madricha it’s really hard to justify going to a new machaneh to be on tzevet ragil to myself and my mother, not when there is SO MUCH theatre over the summer

anyway we just had a kvutzah call about it - Hannah, Jess and Toviah are applying for MBI! Sara and Ari are thinking about gesher! but sara still only wants to come for one session? arron fine is applying for madatz at miriam and maybe gilboa but idk?

i do have an idea, that maybe if i don’t get madatz, i stay in the city, work in theatre over the summer and spend my free time facilitating the kvutzah. like everyone gets so busy and hyper focused over kayitz and i could be an eye in the sky, keeping everyone updated, helping people with resource gathering and editing peulot - i could still be involved while not missing a summer of opportunities

school: so things are a lot more overwhelming than i want them to be

‘cause i had a bad week at the end of january i feel behind and i still haven;t totally caught up and it’s coming to mid-semester and that’s gonna catch up with me

monologue study is a lot more work than i expected - just doing all the xfript work is taking much longer than i planned for - i /just/ finished making the Lists yesterday and I’ve been working on that for WEEKS. Luckily, we don’t actually have class this week so all that stuff is due after the break - unluckily, i can’t really do work over the break and that shit needs to get done - more on that later

however, my actual piece is looking really good and some of the warm ups and breathing exercises have helped so much! two classes ago we did these breath exercises and then went around and each said a central line from our pieces and i have never been so in the moment and real and in my breath than right then and now i have had a taste and want that always

we’ll be starting shakespeare after the break and i want to try something new, I love my Beatrice, but there is something to be said for repertoire building. Rosanna suggested looking into Rosalind  pieces from As You Like It and that’s promising. I might... try a Juliet? Like, idk if that’s worthwhile im just... not a Juiet, im never gonna be the ingenue, why try? but having something sweeter is definitely a goal, idk i looked at Rosalind pieces and i think there is something that catches my eye

scene study has a similar issue in that the written work is a lot more overwhelming and time consuming than i planned and that /is/ due next week so. however, rehearsals have been going AMAZING, we’re like 98% off book and have to focus on picking up the pace, sticking to tactics and not playing attitudes and getting the blocking a little more fine tuned. 

we had dress rehearsals tuesday and it was a WRECK. /no one/ was off book, a couple scenes were just /stopped/ midway through and everyone was off. then we went up, the only group who didn;t even once call for a line and who was actually on top of our shit. i admit, it felt kinda good to be the best. though, the bar was kinda low. 

I’m being mean, a lot of people had good moments and most of the scenes that derailed derailed ‘cause ONE particular person clearly didn;t have their shit together and it threw everyone off. 

Brandon and i rehearsed today and got pacing a little more down and he’s gonna come over sunday and do a final rehearsal before tuesday’s presentation!!

my elective has been a lot less interesting than i was hoping for, the classes are kinda boring but at least it’s pretty easy. HOWEVER, we did a field trip to city hall yesterday and THAT was fascinating! we got to sit in on the city council sessions as they were deciding the budget and it was! so! cool! that’s the room where it fucking happens. and like, we should all be more on top of local politics ‘cause that’s where the day to day shit gets figured out. i did a whole snapchat rant about it it’s good

fevergraph isn’t technically school but it’s been going really well - i got to get some emotional stuff out through the journeys and i’ve gotten my heart rate up a few times, last class is next week and i think i’m gonna look into maybe some voice lessons for the next half of the semester?

anyway: sunday i need to get all my fucking scene work done, monday i should record all my notes for my TOR midterm ‘cause tuesday im running around a lot and i need to study for that. monologue stuff will have to wait - that’ll be wednesday/thursday, cause thursday afternoon... i’m getting on a plane to israel

so, that’s happening. i kinda was just.., thinking about it.. and then jazz said that if i went she would go with me.. and then my parents said they’d give me 300 for the trip as a bday present.. and then i booked tickets. we’re still figuring out exact details in terms of where we’re staying when but i’ve e-mailed mona and paul and talia and the mads about it and we’re figuring it out

so, yeah... that’s happening. we’re gonna chill and see people and go read on the beach and i’m going to where nothing but dressed the whole time and i’m so fucking excited.

in the meantime, this week i have to get all this fucking work done, my birthday is this weekend!! (there’s gonna be cupcakes and whiskey and an entire afternoon of theatre!!!!) and we need to shove in ten thousand roommate interviews in there sometime

‘cause YEAH, updates on Murnau House: we still haven;t found a new person for the Room That Cannot Be Filled which is Annoying and the previous occupant has not been as ontop of finding a replacement as he said he would so Sam is leading the search, bless her

aaaand our fridge broke last week, again, and we lost a BUNCH of food, but due to my skills of being a polite and efficient BITCH thanks to my mum, we got a new one pretty quickly and that’s going fine.

the ken: we had a tubshvat carnival two weeks ago, some bogrimot came and volunteered, it went fine, but i wasnt as invested as i should’ve been - however, i did see Iris there!! whcih was nice, she’s gonna be chinuch at shomiria this summer and she did the habo/hashi birthright! very cool

then, sem. so, we had a tzevet of 7 for 40 kids, two of whom lefton the saturday night. aaron and yehuda of all people were on mitbach and the post mbiers were a big help. the schedule pretty much went out the window becuase we didn’t even get in till after midnight in friday due to the storm.

i did however get an entire busload of kids off the bus, to a rest stop and back on to the bus in FIFTEEN MINUTES ‘cause i’m amazing, we went to camp and the kids had fun even tho it was very Emotional for me, and we re focused on The Krinkle Project for messima, and even tho we didn;t do the vaad stuff i hoped for, i think we can move forward if i get my shit together enough. we also did kvutzah peulot that, even if they didn’t go /so/ great, i think brought important ideas and next steps into a lot of the kids minds about how to be stronger as a kvtzot

there was gonna be a katkateam this weekend but ido and i are both on vaccations so that’s been cancelled. there;s a purim party on the 5th that might launch our participation in Krinkle if we get that together. Mifgash with Tavor in March, spring sem in May, maybe one final event for messima and then... we’re done. at least. I am. I’m done. And I should be expecting a cheque from Shaul any day now.

friends: sima is interning on a CTV show and getting updates on the PM’s schedule in her work e-mail, and graduating soon

julia is kind’ve her usual mess but also starting to turn a profit in selling her embroideries on etsy, but idk if she has like a plan of any kind? and that worries me to a degree

mikki’s cosplay stuff is BOOMING and she’s back with Lou but... she’s still being kinda self destructive and i’m worried about her??

josh just finished a show and i haven;t talked to him in a while.... 

anna grace and natty are putting on a show that natty wrote!

i don’t ... have that many friends??

family: same pretty much. Alex is migrating in a month, they’re moving a little closer to me than i like but what can you do.

Batsheva was here, we had one of our Talks, i need to find a more permanent therapist to go deeper with once school is done. i should probably join a group... but that im where im at for as young as i am considering everything... im honestly on a pretty good track

my health: so, i doubt anyone is reading at this point so... the weekend after my fatigue flare up at the start of the month i had a suicidal episode. and i’ve only told my therapist

it was my first one in about a year, my worst one in two and over the dumbest thing since highschool .... just being overwhelmed by school work

like, two mays ago i had a really bad one ‘cause i couldn’t get myself to finish my Buddies piece, a year ago i had a much smaller one ‘cause of a HUGE fight with my dad and this was just... being overwhelmed.

and that’s what;s frustrating!! i guess it was frustration at my body and i hadnt eaten that well and i was a day away fro  my period and all that added up to curled into a ball trying desperately not to reach for a handful of my ciprilex and melatonin for most of that saturday??? which just like wtf

OTHER THAN THAT, my physical strength has actually been on an upswing since the start of the month and im feeling a lot more active. i have a cold this week but that’s just it being february and my immune system being shitty. thank god for cold 911

okay, it’s far too late. i gotta shower and sleep and this took about 10x longer than i planned for

it’s gonna be a hell of a week, and i have no idea when i can do this again, but wish me luck!