#im dreading going to school it sucks there it sucks so bad and im just

[sweaterrat]

PORTALS ✦ Chapter 1

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“Apple Juice” — Madilyn Mei

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Niyah’s body rocked with the sway of the rickety bus. In an attempt to get her mind off of what she was doing, she stared out the window to her left and admired the handful of stars in the sky. While clutching her little bookbag, she tried to ignore the shaking of her sweaty hands, the bobbing of her leg that seemed to have a mind of its own, and the pit of anxiety– a dark, sticky feeling that festered in her chest— spreading quickly all over her body. Despite all the worry, Niyah tried to shake it off. This would be fine. Everything would be fine.

Who was she kidding? This was the stupidest idea in history. She would be grounded for months, no, years for this.

‘It’s only for a day,’ She thought, trying to reassure herself (which didn’t help at all). Sighing quietly, Niyah let her chin rest in the palm of her hand as she stared out at the sky that seemed to be lit up more by street lights than stars.

Niyah thought about the events that led to where she was now. Much to her surprise, she didn’t feel an ounce of guilt. In fact, she felt alive. More alive than she had felt in the past week, the past month, the past year.

Hell yeah, she was terrified of the consequences that were sure to bite her in the ass after all this, but she felt so… relieved at the thought of freedom. Even if it was only for a day. Maybe she was a bad kid and maybe her parents didn’t deserve this, but she couldn’t care any less.

Niyah was free tonight. Even if that meant she’d be trapped tomorrow.

She just couldn’t stand staying in that awful place she called “home” anymore with those awful people she called her “parents”. Home never felt like home to her. It was just a house, a house that she always dreaded walking back to after school.

So, she left.

The idea of her being a runaway put a smile on Niyah’s face, oddly enough. Normal people wouldn’t approve of such a title over their heads, but then again, Niyah was not normal people.

As the bus slowed to a stop, Niyah gave the driver a halfhearted thank you and stepped off the ride. She looked around at the vaguely familiar place she was in. Clutching the straps of her bookbag, she slowly treaded the ghost town. While wearily walking down the sidewalk, Niyah nearly jumped out of her skin at the buzzing of her phone.

Her heart sank. Was it her mom? She swallowed a lump in her throat as she slowly pulled it out of her pocket and read the contact.

One unread message from Comet💫

Niyah let out a soft sigh of relief. It was just Kat (Comet was just a nickname she came up with and it kind of stuck). Quickly, Niyah checked her surroundings before reading the text.

‘r u here yet?’

Niyah blinked and texted back, ‘Yeah I’m omw now!’ She paused for a moment, then typed again. ‘You sure you wanna do this?’

Her phone instantly pinged again. ‘i want to!! But idkkkk i feel so eueue.’

Niyah wasn’t quite sure what ‘eueue’ was supposed to feel like, but she tried to sympathize nonetheless. ‘Do you wanna go back home? I’ll walk you back <:]’

‘no no, im gonna suck it up. i swear i’ll have fun!’

Niyah’s lips turned down slightly in a frown, but she replied anyway.

‘If you’re sure :[’

She then turned off her phone and continued down the crooked sidewalk, feeling a bit paranoid about how dark it was at night. There were barely any street lights here.

Eventually, Niyah was beginning to arrive at her destination. She spotted the familiar silhouette of her good friend Kat in the distance. Breathing a sigh of relief from finally not being alone, Niyah called out to the other.

“Kat!”

Kat in turn looked up and smiled widely.

“Niyah!” They called, walking towards her, then they started sprinting.

“Ohhh boy.” Niyah chuckled nervously and braced for impact. Kat practically flew at her, jumping into her arms, (Niyah attempted to catch them, but her little bones could only hold so much weight) and they both went tumbling into the concrete pavement (not escaping without a few scratches).

Pained laughter echoed through the empty streets. “Why do you do that every time?” Niyah complained, trying to push Kat off her now.

“You took forever!” Kat shouted before getting up on their own. They extended a hand out to the other. “Now, c’mon. I found something cool!” They flexed their fingers as a way of saying, ‘Hurry up.’

Niyah rolled her eyes, “What happened to ‘Hi, Niyah. How are you?’” She took Kat’s hand in her own.

“‘Hi, Niyah. How are you?’ Now get your ass up and come on!” Kat replies with a grin on their face. They hauled Niyah up, nearly sending them flying again. It's funny how Kat, who was iffy about this whole plan, seems more excited than Niyah.

“Alright, alright. Where are we headed?” Niyah dusted herself off, glancing around again. Suddenly, she was pulled by Kat in a random direction.

“Through the underbrush! I know a shortcut.” They claimed, strutting towards a dirt path through some bushes. Niyah winced at all the dirt and possible bugs, but went along anyway.

“You still haven’t told me where we’re going,” Niyah mentioned, stepping over a shrub and nearly yelping aloud when she saw a rather large spider web on a tree.

Kat groaned and rolled their eyes. “Do you trust me?” They asked, turning towards Niyah and raising an eyebrow.

“Unfortunately,” Niyah mumbled and shot them a sarcastic smile. The other glared right back before they both erupted into giggles.

Niyah then piped up, “Did you ever finish that Rise marathon you started?” Kat only hummed and shrugged in response. “I just started watching the movie. I’ll finish it later though.”

“Honestly,” Niyah started, “I only watched the Donnie centric episodes and skipped to the movie.” Kat only laughed in response.

“Why am I not surprised?”

After a few steps more of walking, Kat smiled excitedly. “We’re here~!” They sang, pushing back a bush to reveal…

“A… convenience store?”

Niyah’s head tilted to the side as the building came into view. It was just some old, run-down looking little shop that kinda gave her all the wrong vibes.

“Not a convenience store, It’s kinda like those stores at gas stations. Or Clair’s. I passed it while heading to you and it has Hello Kitty stuff! Let’s check it out!”

Niyah examined the rusty exterior of the store, grimacing at the cracks on the walls and the moss growing on them. “I dunno, Kat. This place looks… not great.”

Kat huffed defiantly, “You already forced me to accompany you as you ran away from home. It’s only fair we do something I wanna do first, right?” They rested a hand on their hip dramatically.

“I gave you multiple chances to back out, but sure; fair enough.” Niyah shrugged and followed the other into the decrepit-looking shop.

The first thing she noticed when she entered was how much bigger it looked on the inside. It wasn’t huge, it was just bigger than she thought. It honestly wasn’t as bad as it looked, but Niyah was still on edge. She skimmed around the store, looking down the tiny aisle (and noticing that there was in fact Hello Kitty stuff).

“Welcome, welcome,” rasped an elderly voice. Niyah practically jumped out of her skin and whipped around to see what seemed to be a store employee.

The woman was… well, old. But she has this casual aura to her. Her grayed hair was done nicely in a bun and she had rectangular glasses. She wore a cream colored blouse, and on it was a brooch or pin of some kind.

“…Hello,” Niyah spoke cautiously, feeling awkward for flinching.

The lady smiled, the concerns of her eyes crinkling. She seemed to study Niyah. “You look like you’re a bit far from home, hm?” She responded, folding her hands together while maintaining eye contact.

Niyah glanced around frantically for Kat (who was indulging themself in all the Sanrio merch they desired). She swallowed a lump in her throat.

“I guess you could say that,” she mumbled, wishing desperately that she could exit this conversation. The old woman seemed to sense her discomfort and she offered up a comforting smile.

“Well, look around and see what you might like.” And she propped herself up and left to the back. Niyah let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and basically sprinted to where Kat vanished.

She turned the corner and saw her friend examining a little keychain. Kat blinked and looked up at the other.

“Oh hey! Where’d you go?”

“You left me! That lady up front gives me the creeps, dude,” she whined, pulling at Kat’s wrist. “When can we leave?”

“As soon as I finish shopping,” they answered. “Now shoo, I’m tryna figure out which one I should get.”

Niyah let out a strangled groan as she dragged herself away, leaving Kat with their stupid keychains. She walked back to the front of the store, glancing at where the old woman was. Thankfully, she was nowhere to be seen.

Niyah let out a quiet sigh of relief before turning to look ahead. She peeped into one of the isles to check out what was there. Niyah was met with crystal necklaces— the ones that were cut in some kind of hexagonal shape.

“Oooh!” Niyah piped up, going into the aisle to get a closer look. Her eyes landed on a purple crystal that resembled amethyst.

A small smile made its way onto the girl’s face. As she held the necklace, her expression softened. It seemed like everything reminded her of him. Her stupid fictional turtle crush. It was… embarrassing to say out loud sometimes, but she couldn’t care less more often than not. She liked a fictional guy, so what?

“Find anything you like, dear?” The woman suddenly appeared beside Niyah, her eyes squinted slightly as she smiled. Niyah let out a small shriek, then instantly covered her mouth in embarrassment.

“Oh, I’m sorry! Did I startle you?” she questioned, but Niyah quickly shook her head.

“N-No! You just, uh, I’m just a bit jumpy tonight, I guess.” She laughed a bit awkwardly, gripping the ends of her hair (a nervous stim of hers). She avoided eye contact like the plague.

The woman gazed sympathetically at the younger one. “Is something the matter?” She asked.

Niyah fumbled with her hands. “It's been a long day,” she sighed, glancing back to where Kat was. “Sorry I freaked out on you.” She rubbed the back of her neck.

“That’s quite alright, dear,” The elder spoke with a knowing smile. She moved her gaze to the shelf in front of them.

“Interested in these, dear?” She chuckled, eyes shining. “My daughter used to love this stuff.” The woman picked a necklace with a stone that resembled amethyst and handed it to Niyah.

“Purple suits you,” she smiled.

Niyah felt herself relax a bit, subconsciously smiling. “Thank you, miss…?” she trailed off.

“Miss Chiyo.” The other— Miss Chiyo— replied with a smile. Niyah reciprocated the gesture with a smile of her own.

“Thank you, Miss Chiyo. I, uh, I’m Niyah by the way,” She stated a bit awkwardly. Niyah felt a bit bad for judging Miss Chiyo. This lady seemed pretty nice.

Miss Chiyo began walking back towards the front and Niyah was inclined to follow. In fact, part of her felt like Miss Chiyo expected her to. It was almost as if any nerves or distrust she may have felt about the odd lady melted away as she followed, though of course her anxiety was still there, just slightly less apparent. She felt safe. Well, as safe as one can feel in a run-down retail store, this late at night.

Miss Chiyo went behind the front desk while Niyah stood there idly, taking a better look at her surroundings. “So, Miss Niyah, what made you run away from home, hm?” Miss Chiyo suddenly asked, that same knowing smirk on her face.

Niyah’s eyes grew a bit wide in alarm. “How did you know I—“ But she was cut off by a wave of the other’s hand. “I was a teenager too, always wanting to run off. So, what’s your reason for leaving home?”

Niyah hesitated for a moment, then sighed. She figured she had nothing to lose. What was Miss Chiyo gonna do, tell her mom? “If I’m honest, I hate living with my mom. So many rules and restrictions, I just wanna be free y’know? Plus, it’s not like I’m leaving forever.”

Miss Chiyo nodded in understanding. “Well, wherever you’re going, get there safely, alright dear?” The other just smiled and nodded.

A slight glimmer caught Niyah’s eye. She blinked as her eyes landed on a beautiful, milky white crystal wrapped in a small brown rope. The rope came up into a necklace with a golden hook at the end of it. It was just laying there on the back counter.

“Hey, what’s that over there?” Niyah asked, tilting her head while leaning on the counter. She gestured to the lazily luminescent stone behind the other.

Miss Chiyo turned to the large crystal necklace. With a slow inhale, she replied, “Oh, that old thing?” She went over to retrieve it. “It was a… family heirloom of sorts.”

Niyah simply ginned. “Cool! What kind of crystal is it? Quartz?”

Miss Chiyo just laughed, “No, not quartz. This crystal is one of a kind. Well, one of its kind. I used to have its little twin— a black crystal just like that one. But, I lost it.” Her expression fell into a sad smile.

Niyah offered the older woman a sympathetic smile. “Who knows, maybe it’ll turn up. If I see anything like it, I’ll get it to ya.”

That seemed to cheer Miss Chiyo up a bit. She let out that sweet little laugh of hers. “You remind me so much of my little Emiko.” She turned back to retrieve the crystal. “Always trying to help someone.” She cupped the stone in her hands.

With a smile, Miss Chiyo extended her hands out to Niyah. “Here,” she said, holding out the crystal to the other. “I think you could take better care of it than me.”

Niyah sputtered wildly. “Wh— me?! Wait, isn’t— isn’t this your family heirloom thing? I can’t just take it!” She yelped, waving her hands around. Miss Chiyo only smiled and took Niyah’s hands in her own.

“I think I can trust you,” she replied simply. Niyah wordlessly blinked and looked down at the jewel now in her hands. The elder only chuckled, “I’m far too old to keep looking after it anyway, haha!”

The crystal in Niyah’s hand felt… electric in a way. It was a feeling that she couldn’t quite place. It was like the shard was buzzing with energy.

“Take it,” Miss Chiyo whispered with a small smile. “On the house.”

Niyah was still in disbelief. “I… thank you,” she smiled. “Y’know, Miss Chiyo, you really made my day— er, night.” The girl chuckled as she threw on the necklace. It was heavier than it looked, that's for sure.

Miss Chiyo chuckled in response. “It’s nice to come across some kind souls these days,” she sighed. “Now, It’s quite late out. Shouldn’t you two get going?”

Niyah nodded, “Yeah, we’ll be on our way.” She then turned to call out to her friend behind her. “Yo, Kat! You almost done over there?”

Kat did nothing but send a silent thumbs up as a response. They stared thoughtfully at what bag of chips to buy before they seized some jalapeño chips and skedaddled over to the front counter.

“Just these, please!” they sang and placed a bag of chips, a drink, and 3 Sanrio keychains on the desk. “How much do I owe you?”

The older woman only smiled and replied, “Just take it, honey. Make sure you both get home safe eventually.” Miss Chiyo then put the items in a plastic bag and then pushed them back across the counter.

“Oh wait— for real?” Kat stared in surprise but then shrugged. “Thank you!” They look at Niyah, signaling that they’re finally ready to go. Niyah turned back to the elder behind the desk.

“Well, we’ll be on our way,” she sighed, offering a kind smile to the other. “It was really nice meeting you, Miss Chiyo.”

Miss Chiyo said nothing but smiled and waved the pair goodbye as they exited the store.

Niyah glanced at the stone again, holding it and feeling the same static spark between her fingers. A wave of nausea washed over her. She blinked drowsily in an attempt to fight the sudden tiredness.

She looked back at Kat, “Hey, Comet, you think we can still make it to the beach on time…?” Niyah trailed off as she saw Kat turned around, staring at the store behind them. They looked almost puzzled.

“What’s up?” Niyah asked, but Kat only shook their head and walked back to Niyah’s side. The other narrowed her eyes… but then shrugged.

The two made their way to their next location, chatting about their plans for the summer.

“I seriously hope Rise gets a season three. Do you think that Netflix might pick it up?” Niyah asked, sipping on a Capri-sun she snagged from her backpack (strawberry kiwi, because that’s the best flavor).

Kat (who was sipping on a Pacific cooler) replied with a shrug, “Man, I hope so.”

Niyah kicked a loose pebble on the sidewalk, nearly tripping while doing so. She had a slight sway in her step which caught the attention of her friend. “You okay?” Kat asked, placing a comforting hand on Niyah’s back.

Niyah nodded, “Yeah, just tired. I’ve been feeling all funky ever since we left the store.” A funny idea popped into her head. Ha, what if that crystal was magical or something? Niyah internally laughed at the idea. Hopefully, she didn’t jinx herself.

Niyah continued to stumble over her own feet despite her reassurances that she was fine. “Do you just— wanna go home?” Kat asked as they held her up, attempting to help her walk.

Niyah would’ve answered but a deafening, high-pitched ringing echoed in Niyah’s ears. She felt like the life was being drained out of her. She was fine a minute ago— what happened?

Niyah’s eyes landed on the white crystal around her neck. It almost seemed to give off a soft glow. She wouldn’t have questioned it (maybe it was the trick of the light?) but then the soft glow turned harsh, making her squint at the brightness.

“What in the…” Niyah whispered to herself (not that she could hear herself over the loud ringing in her ears). As the crystal glowed brighter, it started to levitate. She blinked rapidly, thinking she had finally lost all her marbles.

“Am I tripping or is that thing—” Niyah turned to her friend who looked just as horrified. Kat took two steps away from Niyah, causing her to stumble a bit.

The crystal had floated high enough to hover a few inches away from her face. Welp, she jinxed it.

Niyah heard voices in her head. Voices that weren’t her own. Whispers, cries, pleads. She tilted her head inquisitively, and out of pure curiosity, lifted her hand up to touch the stone.

As soon as her fingertips came into contact with it, the electric feeling returned. For a second, it almost felt nice— new. But it quickly became overwhelming. Niyah yelped out in pain.

Niyah couldn't see what was happening around her— just feeling all too many things at once. She felt despair that wasn’t hers. Worry, sorrow, panic, most of which didn’t belong to her. And in the midst of it, she felt a new feeling. A feeling of change. Things were changing.

In front of her, something flashed, then flickered, then sparked. A swirling circle of what seemed to be pure white lightning formed. Speckles of gold littered the neutralness of the white and in the center seemed to be the galaxy itself. The dark purples and blues contrasted beautifully against the white and gold.

A portal?

Common sense told her to turn away from it, to run as fast and as far as she possibly could, but… she couldn’t.

Something drew her to it, a force she couldn’t possibly understand. Niyah thought she could just vaguely hear the yells of her friend, the frantic pleas for her to stop and not get any closer, but the other voices were so much louder.

She took a step.

Then two.

Niyah kept approaching the gateway. Her head dipped to the side as her pain— and consciousness— slipped. Taking a swayed step, Niyah reached a hand out into it.

Everything around her was telling her to go.

Go.

And she did.

Niyah only remembered falling into the warm white. She had blacked out the second after.

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Chapter 1 is out! Woooo!!!! Yyayayayy!!!! I’m setting up the master list now :]

Beta read by @yourlocalartsonist @yosajaeofficial and @oleander-nin !!! Go check out their accounts now now now!!!!

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[nutal]

man, sometimes I dunno why I come up with stuff in my head, then let my brain beat the shit out of me and tell me that I just suck in general at everything, but im still gonna come up with a pair of headcanons cuz yes, this time abt Eve >:))) (again, it may age as bad as milk but just hear me out and here we go)

So pretty much, kinda like what I said before on an older ask, I'm pretty sure that unlike Lilith, who had a strong desire for independence, Eve was a lot more obedient and dependent on Adam. And that Adam loved her a lot more than Lilith (you could say that Lilith was like a middle/high school crush for him, while with Eve, they had a more truly loving relationship, since Adam now has more experience and is more mature than he was before)

Then, when Eve ate the apple, the both of them (Adam and Eve) fell down to earth and had to suffer there

Tho I am more leaning with the theory of Eve = Roo, what if she wasn't actually evil, even tho she was Roo? Hear me out for a bit:

Basically, when the two went down to earth and stuff, while in Adams point of view (like I said in that older ask), he saw Eve becoming colder and more distant, until she disappeared, in Eve's point of view, she was so ashamed of not listening to Adam's countless warnings to NOT eat the apple (to which, she did eat the apple), that she thought Adam hated her now. With the amount of self pity and self hatred she had for herself, she just disappeared, thinking that he wanted her gone for good, and with that, she also died of grief and being alone, just like Adam did when Eve left him.

Tho on one hand, since Adam didn't ate the apple (which meant he went to heaven by default, but didn't actually have any choice), on the other hand, Eve DID eat the apple (which meant she committed the first sin, so she went to hell, BUT she had free will, so that could've meant that she actually chose to go to hell bc, again, of her self-pity and hated for herself, but also bc of her strong want for revenge against the ones who gave her the apple, aka Lilith and Lucifer)

In her time in hell, she basically let her sins transform into the very monster she thought she was (and actually dreaded to have become), because, again, her intense anger towards Lili and Luci, and with that intense anger, somehow gave her a lot of power (Little did she know, when she ate that specific apple, it caused her to also have a little devil on her shoulder. Roo, the root of all Evil. I mean, what better way to start, then to convince the person who started sin to give in into their own sins, and give them all of the power of the sins itself? Eventually becoming one with each other? :)) (I may of not phrased that well but I tried lol)

And with that, Eve became Roo. The root of all Evil. Wishing that one day, she'll take revenge on Lilith and Lucifer.

Now this is where I start to get into sinner Adam stuff >:)))

Okay, so we prob know that Adam most likely didn't eat the apple? Which meant that he doesn't have any free will and just goes to heaven by default, because again, he got no freedom. boiiiiiiii (ok ok im joking xdd, but u get what I mean)

WHAT IF, when Adam's soul (in hell) eventually reaches to Roo (Eve), she might have actually felt.. even worse?

I think that, if Roo finds that Adam, the one she really loved, died right there, in front of her. Even if Eve let Roo consume her with evil, she still felt something sting inside of her deeply. She even felt.. even ANGRIER at Lucifer for doing this to Adam. She might of seen Adam already move on with another girl (Lute), she still wanted to at least help him out a bit.

So, she revives him with his soul, and he becomes a sinner in hell. Hoping that maybe.. maybe she helped with something. Maybe even helping him see Lute again, even if Eve still loved him on the inside. (its tragic af ik)

Now here's where I think, on how Roo/Eve got defeated.

So, in the very final battle, when Roo/Eve finally manages to reach the Hotel to get revenge, she sees Adam. And Adam sees her.

Adam, instead of wanting to fight her, looked he wanted to forgive her and help her out (may or may not have learned the forgiveness and helping side of things from Charlie XDDDD). Tho Lili and Luci were more reluctant about reasoning with Roo than Adam was at first, they eventually agreed to try their best.

So, together with the help of Lilith and Lucifer to give him a hand (or multiple hands), he tries desperately to reason with her, as Roo is in control now. Lilith and Lucifer would try to reason with her aswell, but it wouldn't work out so well for them.

But then, when Adam told her how much he regretted for not taking care of Eve well enough, that it was NEVER her fault.. suddenly, something clicked inside of Eve, realizing that all this time... Adam NEVER hated her to begin with... and all this time.. she was wallowing in self-pity for NOTHING. That SHE just made him suffer this much all along...

But when Roo is about to try to kill him, with no hesitation or pity whatsoever, suddenly, something deep inside, stop her immediately. Even if Eve indeed, let Roo consume her almost entirely, ever since she went to hell, THIS TIME, she wasn't letting Roo harm Adam. Not even Lilith and Lucifer.

As she was having the most intense internal battle she had ever had in her entire life: Eve between Roo, Eve cries on how much she made Adam suffer, how much she made everyone else around her suffer.. how she let Roo literally become one with her.. and how much she just wallowed herself in self-pity and hatred.. because of HERSELF.

But this time.. she was going to stop all of this. SHE was going to end all of this. By pulling Roo to the grave with her (Eve).

And with enough force from Eve, she rips her whole chest, revealing that she'd taken out her own rib from the inside out with her bare hands (I kinda have the head canon that Eve's rib is basically her pulse, so without it, she dead fr fr)

Adam, Lilith and Lucifer would be in complete shock. Then, Eve would fall to her death.

Adam, even though he was still trying to comprehend on what just fucking happened (bc it was so fucking traumatizing), he tried to catch Eve, only for him to find her body completely lifeless on the ground below. Just motionless and gone.

As he lays there in shock, Lute comes immediately to comfort him, and Adam would just try in Lute's arms.

Lucifer would also come to be next to Adam's side (bc they eventually forgave each other in the course of Adam staying at the hotel, becoming friends again like in Eden), and Lilith would check if Eve was still alive. Realizing she was dead, she would just take a deep breath, and just let her body stay there a little bit, before Lilith picked it up to, at the very least, put it somewhere more peaceful, to pay respect for Eve's death (Lilith ain't that of an asshole man, even if she's a bit biased UnU, bc I low-key also want Eve and Lilith to be deep to make the story 1000x more interesting)

so uhh, ye, just felt like dumping my imaginary stuff upon u cuz I wanna make u even more insane than you already are >:)))))

OH LORD THIS IS BATSHIT INSANE OHMYGODHEKDBDN 😭😭😭 EVE STILL WANTING TO HELP HIM OUT EVEN AFTER KNOWING ADAM’S WITH LUTE NOW AAAAGGHEGDHGHD THE ANGST MAN!! And yeah I def do agree that in terms of relationships, Lilith was a lot more like independent and wanting control while Eve was on the exact opposite end being extremely obedient and like reliant on Adam

ALSO THE ROO EVE STUFF IS VERRY INTERESTING and dude eve wallowing in self hatred man…

and then like, adam trying to catch eve in his arms only for him to just find her lifeless body and lute tryna comfort him and he’s just crying in her arms jesus christ bruh

THIS WAS SO WILD TO READ BRO AN ACTUAL ROLLERCOASTER IM TWEAKING

[doegirldaydreamerarchived]

Diary entry #2 - 21/01/25

Okay so honestlt im writing this on the same day as the first one, so i might not do one for a few days so i dont burn myself out! (bc of my habit of getting obsessed and burning out in like a few days.) But i kinda already took notes about today so erm!! Youre all stuck w it! ᜊ( ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ᜊ

Giggling forreal onto the actual day. Firstly i jsut wanna say i had to actually decipher my notes like an archeologist or sumet bc i wrote them under the table without looking. Ok forreal anyways omg nevermind tumblr closed this when i minimised the app and said it didnt save and jumpscared me so hard.

ANYWAYS. Let me yap!! Even tho i kinda just wanna sleep rn but shshhh ill just be lazy tmr.

So firstly it was raining on like my first good hair day in a whilleee so.. just why </3 Also bc jan’s been such a blur i realised its my mums bday tmr and i didnt even realise and i feel actually a little evil.. like obvi bc i dont have a job theres not much i can do, but like.. idk. Ill make sure to wish her happy bday tho! Anyways me and my friend mostly talked abt my other friends really nasty now ex bf. Like they shouldve broken up AGESS ago for.. so so many reasons that are probably worse than u think. But at least it happened eventually!! And now i can talk abt him bc he was kinda weird icel. omg also absolutely fantasising abt my dvds bc todays the like due date for package!! Love that!!

Anyways now school.. so basically my friend mentioned he bought cinnamon buns bc he loves them and hes like ‘yeah u can have one as well’ but the dread kinda kicked in in first period. Bit of a rude reminder i do in fact have problems and sometimes they make stuff suck for no reason which is.. ew but ill manage. But on a better note i totally have a little hallway crush (outside of my atrocious fat raging normal crush). Basically shes in my history and when we were lining up she was like sorting her bag and she looked back and smiled at me and UGH shes so pretty!! I also told her her bag was unzipped and fixed it for her 😇😇 But also my usual massive headache started this period. Like one of my eyes was watering headache. But also it kinda relaxed when i put my glasses on si like.. is it straining my eyes?? Idk i js really need new glasses bc my old ones are really old and a little broken and omg i need to stop im starting to feel bad for them. Girly things. Anyways fr ill be getting new ones sometime soon so i can keep my others as spares!! Anyways we were still soing abt.. ykw from ww2 germany and we were talking abt how he treated the church and how a lot of minsters and like preists opposed him and like. It reminded me that stuff isnt always black and white and people who are in a group with a lot of bad people can be good yk? Like a lot of my friends have bad experiences with religion but not all religious people are bad ykwim? And lastly my friend accidentally buttdialed his gf (also my friend) and she heard someone saying goodmorning to me and me going ‘omg he actually said rhat??’ bc i was talking abt someone else giggle. Funsies.

Okayayays anyways now p2 which was english. As usual, my teachers an icon, and also i got to highlight one of my pages really cute and i wanted to take a pic but no phones ufufjjfjf.. what id give to like take pictures w my brain or sumet. Maybe those meta glasses would be cool if they werent violently invasive and chunky as hell. But anyways the Mz kid was like even louder than usual somehow but it didnt bother me bc i had a rlly weird dream w him in it?? Jusy in one part but like. Basically in the dream was saying something about ‘birthday’ and i thought he was being rude so i snapped at him n he looked sad. Then i went around looking for him but found two girls like boxing in some random changing room???? Anyways there was more but thats what stuck w me lol. So yeah i didnt really mind him that much today. Also when we were leaving i was like stuck near some girls who dont like me but like.. i wasnt stressing abt it i just didnt really care. Sooo.. character development idk giggle

Anwyyayss at break i ended up eating half of that cinnamon bun which like. Win bc it was nice and recovery stuff idk. Anyways one of my other friends (R) whos like never in school was in today and we just yapped and hung out for a little and ralked abt the whole bf thing and i loved it shes so sweeet!! But yeah otherwise it was chill asf and we just hung out and stuff!

Okok now third which was physics that also has a teacher i adore bc hes so funny. He made a joke abt like someone thinking he was talking to them bc of his lazy eye and being dramatic abt it and i was GIGGLINF. Also he had like a thermometer gun or whatever and he made an actual gun joke and it surprised me a little lol. Ofmmgm and he made a joke abt b.ngs bc of how many people do the plant where we live and hes an icon for that. Alsoso me and my friend were listening to music and do i wanna know started playing and i didnt even know he had it on his playlist and it was a massive win. Last thing promise, i was thinking abt getting like a mini notebook to write this stuff down in bc i wrote it on my hand but my pens r gel pens so it smudged really bad and i had to type it up anyways sooo.. better pens or mini notebook giggle. Andndn lastly bc yes!! I like stayed behind for a sec bc my friend was getting a reward and when we left my teacher like pointed at me and was like ‘u should speak up in lesson more!’ And fucjkckf hes so sweet. Maybe its my daddy issues idk but it was like.. rlly?? :((( hes just so nice i love him smsmmm!

Anyways then maths. My normal teacher wasnt in again which liks.. miss come back pls </3 and also some kids were like making fun of the annoying kid which like.. ur not any better than him dude.. but tbf one of those kids was a little funny after abt sumet else so.. idk doesnt make it right but makes me him a little less annoying. Anyways i got reminded i need to clear oht my bag bc all my stuff in it looks so cute together but its an actual mess so eventually ive gotta sort it sigh..

Aaand then lunch. Was inside again bc it was raining, and I mostly just yapped w R. She did have this really nice spray tho (one of the sol de janero ones) and im thinking abt getting one bc apparently they actually last and theyre really nice. Also some mean girls came up like opposite me but behind our group and sat in the one place we were told not to sit.. but its fine they got moved eventuallt and we didnt have to deal w them so. Yay! R left for the second half of lunch tho so it was just the normal group again and we just chilled.

Theeenn p5 which was chemistry. Honestly reallt not much happened, i was spaced asf. Weve been over the stuff were going over now so i could clock out a little giggle. I did yap to another friend otw out which we love.

Andndn finallt freedom omg. Ofc my first priority was coffee which honestly is always one of the best parts of my day. But firstly my dvds got delayed which was like.. the worst thing ever. Giggle fr tho i mostly just scrolled tumblr and stuff. And also sorted out my blog a little bc unfortunately im just a girl and i need everything to look perfect. I have revised some for my exam tho and i think im getting better at it. Still stupidly snappy but im working on it! Also i hate that i have to like look at my food before i eat it bro. Like if it looks weird i will be one unexpected texture from gagging and its just. I know the foods good let me eat in peace </3 But its fine bc ofc it acc was good and we love that!

Anyways yayaa thats it for this entry. Ive just gotta wash my hair then im going bed finalllyy!! And tbh if its anytime near what it is rn for me you should too tbh. Get ur beauty sleep angell!!

Rue, signing out 𓂃۶ৎ

[ley-med]

Hey! I want to apologise in advance because well I'm going to cry about my life in your asks and ruin your mood. I'm a second year? First year student? I'm not sure anymore. I had my first year final exams and got my results 2 days ago. I failed anatomy. Not by just a bit but by 18 marks. People who have not studied even a single day the whole year somehow passed. I was blaming the system, the checkers and what not but my mom kinda said that your failure is your fault more than anyone else's and she's not wrong. I always dreaded studying anatomy, I hated it cuz it was hard, maybe? Idk on the other hand i scored pretty good in biochemistry and physiology. I have a month roughly to prepare for my supplementry exams that are in February and if I pass I can rejoin my batch , I'll be with my friends again. But to study alone this month feels so difficult, fomo as my friends and classmates go to clinics and OT's constantly makes me anxious. My parents are very supportive, they were very positive and that I have gotten a chance to resolve my fear. My mental health is fluctuating so bad, a moment I'm so motivated that I can do it! And the next minute I'm in pits of sadness and dispair. Idk why im sharing all this but as a fellow in medical field I hope maybe i could have a word of encouragement or maybe a reality check. My friends believe hundred percent that I'll pass and I'm hopeful too but my anxiety does not rest. If I fail I'd have to repeat the year and be with my junior batch. Thank you for listening and I'm sorry again.

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I feel your pain!

Do you know how many times I failed anatomy? Well I won't say the exact number because that's frankly embarrassing, but I'm probably on some sort of list of "worst students to ever disgrace the halls of the anatomy department"... I failed anatomy and biochemistry and had to repeat first year. Then I failed anatomy and physiology and had to retake second year too... Shit happens.

Do you know why they say med school is hard? It's because it is damn hard. Most students will fail some exams here or there, some will fail more than just a few exams, and very few will pass all of theirs. (Even those who don't study and somehow seem to always pass? Even their luck runs out sometimes). Sometimes it's unfair, and sometimes it's our fault.

Your exam results has nothing to do with how good of a doctor you will become! It's just school, nothing more, nothing less. See me, I was so bad at med school, just terrible at it, and now that I'm a doctor, I might not be the best ever out there, but I'm good at my job.

I know this sucks now, it sucks to fail, and it sucks to study again when you could be doing something else. But it's just an exam, not the end of the world. You cry, then you dry your tears, sit back, and study as hard as you can.

And there is no guarantee you will pass the next time either, passing is never ever guaranteed! You just study and hope for the best. And if you fail again, you cry some more, then realise that maybe your "study as hard as you can" wasn't really your hardest, or you realise you aren't studying effectively and you need to find a way of studying that better suits you. We all have to learn how to study...

And sometimes you just say, fuck it, and pass purely out of spite.

Anyways. Don't compare yourself to others. You live your life, not theirs. And unfortunately, yours now includes some more exams and studying... Allow yourself some time to wallow in despair, you absolutely deserve that relief, but after that, give yourself a pep talk sweetheart and get back to studying. And do something fun, and have some treats! You deserve that too!

And hey? You can do this! I believe in you, anon, you absolutely got this. Just be patient with yourself :)

[tojisun]

Sorry it turned into a depressing rant

Anon who asked about your fav studio ghibli movie here!

I love howls moving castle so much, I love the part when Sophie starts cleaning the house, I love how comforting it is

I love the sass from everyone, I love how kind Sophie is

I love howls line “I see no point in living if I can’t be beautiful” as much as it sucks I agree with him. I’m not smart so the only thing I can offer is my looks and personality to people I meet. If I’m not beautiful, then what’s the point? Sorry if it sounds shallow but when you have nothing to offer in this world, the only thing I can work on is how good I look and present myself. I know I shouldn’t think like that, it’s damaging

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, there will be people who find you attractive and there will be people who won’t. People you find attractive, others won’t, so sometimes I try not to think too much about it since we never know.

All my life I’ve been slow academically. My siblings are all smarter than me so I’m always the dumb one. I’m not skinny but I’m working on it, even tho it’s so hard, but I have to be skinny, my life will definitely turn around when I’m not too self conscious about my body. I know I’ll still have those negative thoughts and even after I’m skinny I won’t be happy but, as of now, I never leave the house, my anxiety about how I look keeps me from taking in person classes. I never want to leave the house unless I look good, because I don’t want anyone seeing me at my worst, I want everyone to see me as the best version of myself. So I never leave, my social skills have tanked since 2020 since that was the last time I took a in person class, and that was in high school 😭😭

I feel so immature and stupid, and people my age (19) are doing better than me. I just give up before I even try, and I’m so behind since I’m in my third year of college and I still don’t have an official major, I’m so behind, and last semester I didn’t take any classes cuz I was so depressed and embarrassed, since I failed two classes. It’s an horrible cycle of pity and dread and I’m scared I’ll never get rid of it. And I’m scared of talking to men, but I’m supposed to get married and have a kid before I’m 30 since you’re more fertile and it’s better to have kids young, and I’d love that but I’m scared my kids will turn out like me, disappointments. And I won’t know how to fix them.

So yeah… we veered off of howls moving castle.. my bad💀

re:

!! this got long im so sorry

first of: pls dont apologize! u are welcome to vent here in my blog, im happy to just be a bouncing wall to u guys (if my usually long responses arent what u guys wanted to see). thank u for trusting me (us) with this and im truly sorry for how late im responding

i do love those parts of howls moving castle! i never understood why howl was lamenting about his looks when i thought he looked beautiful w orange hair. orange used to be my favourite colour ^v^ it isnt one rn but i am still fond of it.

i loved orange even when howl didnt – u are correct that beauty in the eye of the beholder. beauty also goes a long way. it’s a horrible reality but when u grew up fat, u get told so many times about how much better life would be if u could just lose weight. i truly cant tell u when i stopped thinking so little of myself.

honestly love, its just so recent when i felt good enough in my own skin – blemishes n all. i never thought itd get better tbh; i thought itd stay this way but it got better. and im scared to promise to you a range of when it will get better, but i do know that it will.

u feel immature bc u are still young! 19 is so young so pls dont punish urself for feeling young, for thinking young, for not knowing anything past being young yet. as a younger sibling, ik for a fact im still so immature. it took me getting a job (during the weekdays) n going to uni for me to mature up, n i was 20 when that happened. so recent!

i also completed my associates slowly bc i was struggling in college! i once took a sem where i only had one class bc i was so overwhelmed that i had to slowly pace myself so i can keep going. high school babies u n then boom, u get hit w juggling responsibilities in college that kinda makes u wanna quit – but u didnt. u took a break and then bounced back!! my love, if that isnt resilience, then what is?

ive never wanted to settle down. i think its bc i thought id be gone by now that i just dont see myself having a family of my own so i apologize for not knowing how to empathize about the ‘deadline’ but u are just 19. before age 30 is so far away! u have sm to live for in between those years. sm to experience and to meet and to love!

also, not having a major yet is also fine! i declared a minor just this year – and im a fourth year already. pls dont worry. u have time – that is something i wanna keep emphasizing. u have time. it feels like the world is collapsing rn bc of fear and anxiety which, my old therapist told me, is a sign that u (and i) wanna keep going. that u wanna keep living.

and from what i could see, especially coming from me who wanted to just give it all up, that is enough. i know that the reasons behind u working on urself isnt a sustainable mentality, but hopefully one day u will wake up and own ur hard work for urself. not for others.

aaaa this got too long im so sorry, im being emotional on my end but i just want u to know: u are not a disappointment. u arent.

ur alive and ur making connections and ur trying ur best (even though it doesnt feel like that on ur end but u are!!) so how could u be a disappointment? and even if u dont wanna do anything, ur also not a disappointment. not even then.

ur future kids will be so lucky and happy to have u as their mom. and they too will be beautiful; they wont need any fixing bc there isnt anything broken to fix.

i love you. i dont know who u are but i love you. i love all of you.

[mojavepumpkin]

1/5/24

First day without tiktok, I HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO DO STUFF!!!!! I got home today at 2:10 and it has felt so long between now and then. I think my next step will be deleting instagram off my phone, and placing a limit on how much time I can spend on reddit on my computer, because I did notice that I have been using my computer as a way to like subvert the time limits on my phone. AAAAnyway, started a book. well, restarted a book. (im not going to use capitalization anymore, too much effort.) A Farewell To Arms - don't know if i like it yet, but i like all of Hemingway's other stuff. got distracted when reading, ate a chicken breast.

today was interesting, it was really cold all day, which sucked. i work tomorrow, only day this week. i'm considering investing in a journal to keep with me just to jot stuff down with, but my handwriting is so bad and i'm such a fast typer i think it might just be better to write things here. im, not sure - open to input. also thinking of bringing around a secondary bag to school for all my stuff (book, wallet, keys, airpods, snack, sunglasses, chapstick) that doesnt fit in my bookbag. but do i wanna be the bag kid? the more i try to get off the internet the more i'm interested in carrying a ton of stuff around with me like a pack mule. maybe it adds to the intrigue?

i don't have a lot to write today. i had a good sandwich last night (turkey, pepperjack, lettuce, mayo, and mustard) and i might make it again tonight. i need to put diet cokes in the fridge - i am a fiend. i drink at least 2 a day. when i don't have work it's hard to figure out what time to go to bed because i basically don't get tired. maybe i need to switch to caffeine free diet coke?

even when i dont have anything in particular to write i still enjoy writing, i think it like. straightens all my thoughts out. im dreading public speaking tomorrow - and biology. for different reasons.

i wish i lived in a house with more conversation - i wish i knew how to have conversations with people who arent good or arent interested in conversation - i wish reaching out was easier. all things im thinking as im holed up in my room while there are two perfectly good people in my house i could be talking to - if they could get off their phones.

i need to take a shower; im a little hungry - i dont want tomorrow to come.

[youcouldtouchfire]

i sort of feel a lot of general dread. i am dreading becoming more with aj even though we already are more. im scared of feeling guilty again. i don't want to feel guilty. i don't want to commit to anything either. i don't want to commit to living with them. i love them but I don't know if i want that. i don't want to marry them. i love them but i sort of do want romance in the proper sense and I don't want my relationship with them to change that for me - so I don't want to get married. i know they've sort of mentioned that and i kinda just hope both things go away. but I don't like thinking about them now. also god. i know aj did nothing wrong but that call last night made me feel so guilty in a way i haven't felt since jude. i feel guilty for hanging out with my friends. it's not ajs fault but it just feels bad. and i don't want to have to reassure them I don't hate them. i don't want to be codependent. that fucking sucked. that shit with jude was awful. i can't do that again. i don't want to deal with that.

im also dreading school again. im dreading having to apply to colleges and having to come out. god just. ugh. i really can't handle that. fuck. i want to not feel the weight on my shoulders for a few seconds. i want to hang out with my friend like we're friends. i feel scared about this all. im worried it'll be too much for me. it's scaring me.

[just-a-domesticated-cryptid]

How to Live in the Underworld: A guide Written by A.P. for D.P.

I didn't want to end this chapter like this but it was getting too damn long

tw: strong language, implied suicidal thoughts (but in the 'im going to die at the next minor inconvenience' kind of way)

not beta read yet, we die like MEN

4716 words

CHAPTER 2: Still Alive

Vivienne is sitting on the sidewalk, seemingly considering taking a few more steps; straight into oncoming traffic.

She can’t see; her forehead is on her palms. But she can hear and smell the burnt fuel of the vehicles zooming by. She hates all these smells and noises and the feeling of rumbling underneath her feet and - 

It feels like everything is over, like the sky is being torn open and it’s only a matter of time until a chunk falls on her. A cold piece of the sky, with sharp corners sticking out. She would get impaled first. It reminds her of this guy her brother told her about. Something-something, impaling a bunch of people. He made it like a forest, but instead of pine trees you have skewered men.

It’s really messed up, and he wasn’t even from the Underworld. He did all of that up there. That’s impressive.

His name escapes her right now.

If she dies now, would it be because of blood loss, or she may perhaps be crushed before her mind can even understand she’s dying? She might not die; just stay there forever, like a mummy trapped in a tomb. 

What are her options now, besides a quick ride to the afterlife? 

Right now, with her sitting on the sidewalk, contemplating the end of her world, it seems like there is nothing left to do. It feels like everything she did up to this point was for nothing: all the nights working shitty customer service jobs and reading through school notes again and again and again, until one day she could be good enough. Work hard, make a place for yourself in this world, take control over your own life. That was the plan.

Still is. She is still here.

And then there was the hassle of fake paperwork; new name, new date of birth, new address, all laid out in black ink on a fake (but high quality) identity card. 

Give it a few days.

She’s being dramatic, and she knows it, but it’s certainly nice to sink into despair every now and then when you know you can swim back up. 

It feels like such a luxury to be so concerned for one bad grade. She still has the memories of days when the ground was frozen, but they couldn’t afford to pay for the heating. When the only food in the fridge were leftover bits of stale cheese and mouldy carrots. When it was so cold she and her brother had to take turns wearing the coat. At least now, no matter how low the temperatures drop, she doesn’t have to share her brother’s coat with anyone.

Vivienne dropped these memories into the same pit of despair she’s floating in right now, and she let them sink to the bottom. She will never allow herself to ever reach those depths ever again. Right now, she just enjoys the luxury of floating on the top of a lake of sorrows.

She just knows they’re there, not fully letting go of them, like a hoarder sweeping rubbish under the bed. There are already piles and piles stacking up. It sucks, but these memories are hers.

There is a comfort in suffering for minute things when your life isn’t on the line. 

Nora finished her exam as well, resembling something of a wet cat; they sit down next to the person they currently know as ‘Vivienne’.

‘Do you think you passed?’, they asked, trying to be optimistic. The feeling of dread is so familiar in their chest. Life is full of uncertainties, but it will always promise death and failure. Countless shortcomings, every day, every week, every year. You just need to keep going.

‘I don’t think I even wrote my name right’ Vivienne mumbles, with her forehead still in her palms, exaggerating the situation, for whatever reason. 

Pity? No, she doesn’t need pity from anyone, less so from Nora. More like… personal satisfaction from being theatrical.

The silence between them is filled by the cars continuously passing by. There’s their bus, once dyed bright orange, a horrible eyesore. Now, the paint is chipped and the colour was dulled by the sun. Neither of them can be asked to get up, so they let it pass. 

Nora is the first to break the silence, the question itching on their tongue.

‘What’s your name anyway?’

They had the same conversation two years ago, and Vivienne (although she wasn’t ‘Vivienne’ at that point) remembers Nora screaming at her from across the kitchen. They placed distance between them, as if she was a dangerous animal that couldn’t be dealt with face to face. Growing up on these streets you learn to never attack a cornered animal; desperation makes you hungry for blood.

That’s how she knew to keep her distance from Nora, who accidentally cornered themselves between the kitchen table and the oven. 

She also remembers trying to decide which one is worse: the omen of death that is the sorrowful scream of a banshee, or the simple hurt and betrayal in their voice, which made her feel so small. Eighteen or eight?

‘You can’t gaslight me anymore! Who are you?’

It’s almost funny, looking back. Most people asked ‘What are you?’’ but Nora just had a knack for asking the most uncomfortable questions and, most often, the right ones.

That’s what gets you killed in the Underworld.

Two years ago, Vivienne tried to lie her way out of another difficult situation, only to be sat in front of the truth like a deer trapped before a set of headlights. If you don’t move, you get run over.

‘I’m Jude’

‘The name’s Mary-Anne’

‘Jamie’

‘Sandra’

‘Katherina, but you can call me Kate’

‘When did you record all of this?’

And the next question that floated in her head was ‘Fuck, does my voice always sound like this?’

Vivienne stared into their mouth; a mouthful of perfect sharp teeth which never had to tear through flesh, but there’s a first for everything, and she knew that. Which one’s worse: being seen or being known? 

Nora grabbed on to her sleeve; they knew better than to directly touch Vivienne right now. You wouldn’t touch a scared wild animal, armed with claws, teeth and a desire to survive, would you?

‘Hey! What are you doing?’ and she jerks away, as if Nora’s skin is hot and their touch violent. But it’s not. It never was and it never will be.

‘Last time we had this conversation, you ran away for a week, and rent’s due in three days’ Nora replies letting go of her.

Vivienne would rather die than give Nora the satisfaction of being right, but they are; if there is one good thing she is good at, that is running.

Run away from home, run away from your brother’s debt, run away from anyone who gets too close. You can’t hide forever from the scrutinising gaze of the world, but it’s so much more terrifying exposing your humanity (or lack thereof). Get lost in the crowd, out of this town, run until your shoes break and you drop dead. 

‘Look, Carmen…’ Nora begins.

‘Vivienne.’

This morning, she decided she will introduce herself with ‘Vivienne’, like Vivienne Leigh, the actress, but who is keeping track anyway?

More silence, staring into each other’s eyes. Both are deers and headlights, trapping each other. Who’ll be the one to step on the acceleration?

‘Shit. I wrote the whole essay on the ‘Vivienne Wraith Experiment’ Nora says, nearly choking on the words. Are they holding back a laugh or tears? It’s hard to tell.

They press on the pedal at the same time when they start laughing, their bodies hunched over and holding on to each other for support, as if either of them is even remotely stable.

They both fucked this one, and they will be at the doors of the very same Institution in three month’s time, hopefully more prepared for the retake session. 

Nora is still holding on to her sleeve, as if they’re afraid the wraith will run off, but she doesn’t want to do that anymore. They’re laughing now, like children playing in the sand. The world is vast and deadly, but that does not matter. Not right now, at least. Billions of people out there, but the only one to hold any sort of significance is the one next to you, at this very moment. 

When Nora laughs, Vivienne hears her brother’s voice, awkward and infectious. She’s not sure if that’s really how he laughed or if she put their voice over a silent memory, forcing it to fit like pieces from two separate puzzles. It’s comical how you don’t bother to remember what you think you’ll never lose.

‘Let’s go home’ Vivienne says, getting up and dusting herself off.

Home.

People are unreliable, especially when it’s all about survival. They’re all still animals, tearing each other for a seat at the table. You only understand what ‘dog eat dog’ means when you’re hungry, and then you learn to live with the shame of doing what you had to do.

Yeah, your fellow brethren is scum, but somehow public transportation is worse.

It takes another hour for the next bus to arrive, and this one is even older. The paint is a dull orange, giving the bus a sickly appearance. The engine buzzes like it’s a race car, but it moves like it’s being dragged across concrete by a single malnourished horse. 

It stinks of piss.

This could be some sort of lesson about letting opportunities get past you. If you want something, you need to put in the work to get it. But you only realise what you had after it’s too late to get it back.

Unsurprisingly, neither of them gives a shit right now. They just want to put distance between themselves and the Institution, letting the failure of the examination sink into the past. Out of sight, out of mind. For now.

They don’t speak to each other, sitting in comfortable silence. Convenient silence. Familiar silence.

Almost familiar, actually. Usually, there is tension between them. Resentment because the other didn’t take out the trash or left the kitchen in a mess, with crumbs on the table and a sink full of dishes. Grudges stick to them like velcro: easy to stick on, easy to let go. 

But there is no tension now, at least not between the two, which is something of an early Christmas miracle. 

‘Vivienne’ starts to leave a bitter taste in her mouth; just like a pill you don’t swallow, a name she holds on for too long seemingly starts to dissolve. It feels chalky, like it’s going to slip through the cracks, like she’s going to choke on it. Spit it out.

Not now, though. 

The bus comes to a halt, and Nora holds her hand when they walk out. 

They do that sometimes, a type of exposure therapy. Like when you bring an old dog home and you start by petting their front paws, then their back, and then their head. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can certainly teach it love.

Nora is rambling about something, but Vivienne is too focused on the warmth of their hand to hear them. It’s not a purposeful thing; she’d feel the same way if she had a tag on her shirt or if she had gloves on. They’re just distracting feelings she learned to tolerate, at the expense of her other senses.

Nora lets go of her hand and unlocks the door, which is great because Vivienne feels like she can finally hear again.

She goes to her room and sits criss crossed on the bed; everything is so loud now. 

From underneath the bed, she pulls out a mustard-yellow shoebox. Out of the shoe box, she lays out on the bed a scarf, some books, tangled earphones that only function in one ear and, from the very bottom, an old notebook. The pages are dull and yellow, and the corners are twisted upwards. The entire notebook doesn’t properly close, maintaining the sensory memory of being rolled up for many, many years.

She takes a deep breath and opens it at a random page.

His handwriting is so ugly and scratchy, it would have taken her forever to read it if she didn’t already have the entire thing memorised. You can blame the permanent nerve damage on his hands he got from the biting winters in the Underworld, or just that he didn’t give a shit.

The S is basically a straight line, and to call it chicken scratching would be generous, but she knows it says ‘Survival Guide’. She learned how their names are written by observing him write them down on the cover of the notebook. She crossed them out years ago; now it just says ‘Written by… for…’.

The entry is written in bullet points, and the writing goes up and down, in spite of the lines that clearly guide where you’re supposed to put the pen down. He was, most likely, not looking down when he was writing.

It’s not like she can ask him now. Anyway, it doesn’t matter anymore. It never did.

On the first line, it says ‘The Bitter Widow’, on Auburn Street. Vivienne knows this pub as the place her brother told her to go if he’s gone for longer than three days. 

The next line was another address, Azure Ave, and he capitalised and underlined ‘AVOID’. In the Northern side of the Underworld, Azure Ave is where the fun happens. That’s where the deals are made and where flesh is exchanged. In places like that, in the Underworld, you’re reminded of how small you are and how hungry the big fish are. There is not enough to go around for everyone, so hold on to the little you have with your teeth.

Her brother died thinking she planned her routes avoiding that street, but why should she miss out on the fun? He was just being paranoid, babying her like she is a dog that will run away the moment you open the door. He wouldn’t even let her cook, for fuck’s sake. 

She still doesn’t know how.

Out of the notebook, a loose bit of paper falls. It looks like it’s been crumpled, walked on, used as a coaster and suffered other unidentifiable bits of damage. She doesn’t need to read it to recognise it. She promised herself she wouldn’t…  but she reads it again.

The words are burned on her retinas, but she reads it anyway. The letters are much clearer, written before the harsh winters in the North of the Underworld fucked up his hands.

It’s a pros and cons list. Just a list. It can’t hurt you.

It can’t-

Cons of running away:

  We have nowhere to go

  She might track us down and kill us anyway

  I don’t know how to take care of us

Pros of running away:

I can keep her safe

I can keep her safe

I can keep her safe

All the way to the bottom of the page.

I can keep her safe.

‘I didn’t choose this’ Vivienne says, as if her message will reach her brother if she speaks into the void and, with it, her guilt.

‘Chose what?’ Nora asks, standing in the doorway and observing. Their head is nearly touching the door frame, but they are still stooping a little

‘How long have you been standing there?’ Vivienne asks back, snapping the notebook shut, with the loose paper in it. Although because it does not have hard covers, it does not make the satisfying thud of a book closed sharply.

‘Were you never taught that it’s rude to answer a question with a question?’ Nora replies, without actually being offended. They’ve had two years to get used to each other. ‘I just got here.’

‘What do you want?’

‘To do something fun!’ they say, picking at the wooden frame which suffered numerous ‘landlord treatments’ over the years.

‘Wanna steal a car and go for a joy ride?’ Vivienne proposes, her face lighting up at the idea, although it’s not met positively by Nora, who rolls their eyes.

‘I said fun, not illegal.’

‘I’m pretty sure those words are synonyms.’

For Nora, they’re not, but there is no point in getting into that right now.

‘Say, what if we explore that apartment upstairs, number twenty-something?’

‘Nora, I don’t do my masters in law but I’m pretty sure trespassing is illegal.’

‘It would barely even count! Have you ever seen anyone going in or out of there? Ever?’ 

They have a point; where their plan fails is the fact that they’ve been hearing weird noises from there ever since they moved in. Doors slamming, heavy footsteps, furniture being dragged from one corner to the other.

Vivienne is too embarrassed to admit she could swear she heard someone crying in there.

‘Good enough for me’ Vivienne says and gets up, puts the notebook in the box and puts in the lid, without placing the wide range of stuff she used to cover it. Now that Nora saw her hiding place, she will need to find another hiding spot anyway.

………..

‘Can’t you use your claws to pick that lock?’

Nora’s claws could tear through flesh. Fundamentally, they’re weapons. Yet they could be so gentle, like the one time Vivienne choked on splintered bones. Seriously, what do you mean you can’t eat cooked bones?

Vivienne was sitting on the counter, with her head back and trying to move as little as possible as Nora fished it all out, bit by bit. Every breath hurt and she was afraid she punctured her lung. The worst part was that it would have been such a pathetic death. But those talons were damn good; Nora would do a fine medic one day.

It’s easy to imagine Nora comforting a youth stabbed on the street. Whilst it’s impossible to visualise them in the sterile environment of a surgery room, you just know they would do great on the streets, in the flesh of the events.

It’s ok, you’ll be fine. I’m here and I won’t leave you until you’re ok, as they are stuffing wounds with gauze, trying to stop the bleeding. Being a banshee would come in handy; Nora would know if they would die before their vitals would begin to drop. What treatment is needed at that moment? Antiseptic or a warm embrace?

Sometimes, being heard is enough. 

‘You know that’s not how it works.’ Nora answers, frowning as they work through the rust within the aged lock.

Of course Vivienne knows that, but although annoying Nora is not her favourite thing in the world, it’s certainly up there. 

‘Let me show you how it’s done’ and Vivienne kneels before the door, as she pretends she can’t see Nora roll their eyes. 

If she had more energy, she might have put up a little show; look into the lock, try the door handle, or even pretend she is going to unscrew the faceplate. That’s a thing she saw her brother doing; tricks, distractions. A born con-man, he dutifully passed down his skills to his little sister.

She tries to pretend it’s not there, but there is a weight in her chest that she doesn’t want to explain. Explaining means acknowledging, and fuck that. She’d rather shove those feelings down her throat and let her stomach acid dissolve it. Because that's healthy.

Vivienne keeps telling herself she will buy a better set of lock picking tools, one that won’t bend and snap in two. The set she has now is too small to be used comfortably. It’s embarrassing, they almost look like toys. When her brother brought them home, she certainly thought they’re toys. (chuldhood hoem)

She could take Nora’s, but she would rather die than owe anything to anyone. 

‘This is how you do it, then?’ Nora snickers, leaning on the wall next to the door as her housemate struggles.

‘Fucking shit!’ Vivienne snarls, and kicks the door, which swings open.

‘Wow, Houdini. You picked an unlocked lock! Congrats!’ Nora says, fidgeting by picking with two fingers the skin around their joints.

‘You tried to unlock it first, smartass.’

Thinking about it, it is dodgy to walk into an apartment they heard weird noises in for two years straight, yet never saw anyone leave or stay. This is made worse by the fact that it wasn’t even locked. And they would have realised that if each of them brought forward a brain cell to rub together.

Maybe there is nothing worth protecting?

Things have the value you give them. That’s why, for wraiths, gold has a high value. You wear it on your ears, wrists, and fingers. It’s a message that says where you’re from, what’s your covent, who's your family. It marks you as having someone who not only has your back, but also loves you.

Vivienne has no gold on her.

Not anymore, at least. She remembers the earring with a purple gem, and she remembers the way it tugged on her hair when her mother didn’t braid it. She couldn’t remember when her brother stole it to pawn it when they couldn’t make rent.

No matter the species, though, people stay priceless. You could be the wealthiest man in the Underworld, but what’s the point when grief is dragging you down?

It sucks twice as much when you’re poor, though. 

They walk into the apartment of mystery, hit by the smell of the typical mustiness of a room that hasn’t experienced an open window in decades. Whatever furniture has been placed in the apartment was covered with white sheets, which turned grey with dust. In fact, the entire place was covered in a thick layer of dust, making each breath particularly difficult.

‘I’m getting lung cancer just from looking into this room.’

‘That’s not how lung cancer works, but you could get asthma!.’

‘Shut up.’

And they walk in, with their phone lights turned on. Awkward black figures stretch from the covered furniture across the floor and on the walls. Cobwebs in the corners create shaking shadows, as they quiver with the movement of the air in the room.

Up until that point, there was a sombre stillness in the room, but, as they moved their phones’ flashlights around the surfaces in the apartment, it gave the illusion it’s breathing. It gave the impression that, within the walls, there is a beating heart and a set of lungs. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

Nora shines their light on the floor, observing how the carpet of dust was disturbed; they can’t tell if the marks are the result of one person pacing back and forth, or numerous people did. Either way, it’s been a long time; a thin layer of grey set on top of the marks.

They continue like explorers in a cave, but there is hardly anything to see or, in Vivienne’s case, to steal.

Even in houses abandoned for decades, there is a sense that someone lived there at one point. Sometimes, you can still see sheets wrapping the bed or broken frames fallen off the walls, or dirty cutlery in the sink. But this is desolate; everything that could be taken out was. Which sucks because Vivienne was really hoping for a souvenir, but it is what it is.

They reach the kitchen and Nora turns on the tap.

Nothing. 

‘This is boring’ Vivienne says, running her finger across the kitchen’s worktop, and rubbing the dust between her fingertips.

The door slams behind them.

They want to pretend they didn’t scream and scatter, but they did. Well, Vivienne did. Nora stayed put and frozen, as if that would make them invisible. If they could blend in with the background, that would make them safe.

Where did Vivienne go?

‘Carm- Vivienne? Where are you?’ they whispered. The air is so still the sound of every breath could travel across the entire apartment. 

Their chest begins to tighten and the air is unbearably hot. It’s boiling and it feels like their skin is bubbling on their flesh and this does not feel like death. It feels worse, like anxiety.

‘Hey’ and a clawed finger taps them on the shoulder.

That’s when the freeze response turns into fight and they instinctively throw their phone behind them.

‘Motherfucker!’ Vivenne exclaims, as the phone hits her square in the face. The phone falls to the floor and cracks, but it’s still functioning. It falls face down in the middle of the kitchen, lighting up the ceiling.

‘You scared the living daylights out of me!’

‘No I didn’t! You don’t even photosynthesise!’ and Vivienne moves her hand out of the way to gesticulate, revealing a nose covered in blood.

Nora just stares blankly at her for a few moments.

‘C’mere’ and Nora takes a step forward. They don’t have anything to clean up the blood, so they try to clean it with their sleeve.

‘You suck at this’ but she’s not bitter. She’s smiling, as Nora is mostly smearing her blood on her face.

‘And you swal-’ but they stopped before they could finish their sentence. Neither of them moved, but someone in there did. They heard someone’s weight creaking under the rotten floorboards. For one second, but it was enough.

‘Let’s leave’ Nora proposes, and Vivienne nods in silent agreement.

Nora turned their head towards where their phone fell after it ricocheted off Vivienne’s face, and it only takes a step before the floor beneath them makes a cracking sound. It feels hollow, and they don’t have a chance to move their foot away before the entirety of the kitchen floor, putrid and hollowed out by termites, breaks under their weight.

In moments of crisis, people describe the events as happening in slow motion. Not this time; the fall took a second, maybe two. You blink and you miss it.

Well, you can’t miss the aftermath.

Broken bits of wood and flakes of lime coat the apartment they fell into. A white cloud of whatever substance was used to insulate the apartment building slowly settles. Hopefully, it’s not asbestos. 

Although neither of them would put it above their landlord.

‘Next time, let’s just steal a fucking car.’ Vivienne says, trying to get up and dust herself off. She really hopes it’s not asbestos. 

Nora would verbally agree if their head wasn’t pounding and they didn’t feel like every bone in their body cracked in some way. They speak in a low and unarticulated tone, which Vivienne can’t understand. She is not exactly concerned with Nora, her attention being taken by their surroundings.

They fell into the apartment below, but whose apartment was it?

It doesn’t matter. They just need to get the hell out and pretend they didn’t have any involvement.

The only thing that matters in that apartment is the front door. Of course, they could try leaving through the window, but they both had generous helpings of dropping from considerable heights. 

So considerable, in fact, Vivienne cut her hand in something. Her palms are covered in blood and she is shaking too hard to do anything useful, like picking a lock.

‘Hey, how about you use your lock picking skills and deal with that door?’ she says, extending her left hand towards Nora, to convince them to get up.

Nora looks at her- no, through her with the face of a child caught breaking the most important porcelain in the house. And then setting the house on fire.

‘We’re fucked. We’re so fucked.’

This is not the moment. This is not the moment to have a mental breakdown. 

‘Nora, listen to me. Listen- We’re not fucked yet. You just have to- get up! Get up now!’ and she grabs the front of their shirt, trying to pull them up. Given the considerable size difference and the fact that Nora was letting all of their weight back, it looked like a chihuahua playing tug of war with a saluki. 

Still holding on to their shirt, turning it bloody, Vivienne prays the lock she hears turning is just an auditory hallucination. 

Unfortunately, it’s not.

Thank you for reading all of this ^-^

[danderling]

SORT OF A RANT its mostly just me being pissy so its nothing important it wouldnt matter if you skipped this

GOD I went overseas for a while and it kind of screwed me over in school, I usually have a good schedule but the moment something changes everything falls apart for me and like

I have so many unsubmitted assessments that I dreaded but wasnt able to do, I have exams coming up that I’m not prepared for, etc etc

It’s sort of why I’ve been demotivated to do art and may have been posting a tad bit less than I wish I was, I’m very stressed but I physically can’t get myself to do work and idk why

On that topic of ‘physically unable to do work’ its like??? I get the anxiety and fear of not doing it and then I get so scared but for some whatever stupid reason I cant get up and do it whatsoever its just me going “shit I have stuff to do I should do it” and then I just. Don’t do it 😭

It also sucks that I fall asleep a lot in class because my sleep schedule STILL is inconsistent and horrible so now Im usually late to school from sleeping in and my parents get all amgry graaaahhh

I dont know if it has to do with me being tired all the time but also I just dont do school work when I get home anymore ಠ_ಠ as if everything else isn’t bad enough I get home fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night where I can’t even be productive because of the whole demotivation and hhhh

I wanted this to be a small rant but its way bigger than I thought itd be whoopsies,,,,,,,,,,,,,, if this actually gets read by anyone I would be mildly surprised

[b777-36n]

(cw vent post (about college))

I don’t know if I’ve ever dreaded winter break ending this much before. :((( I can’t think of anything I’m genuinely looking forward to when I go back to college. I want to transfer but I don’t think my parents are ready to have that conversation and honestly I don’t even know if it would actually solve anything. Plus I went to a really good college so everything else would be a downgrade… “oh look at b777… couldn’t cut it at The Great College…” you know what I fucking can’t! I can pass all my classes and do well in school but I can’t be happy doing it!!!! I keep joking with my friends about how I ��hate it here” and “this school sucks lmao” but it’s not even a joke anymore i feel like im gonna throw up and cry whenever i seriously consider that in a week ill be back at college. Fuckign sucks. Hate it here. Please just let me stay home and write and draw and hang out with my lizard forever if I ever have to do another discussion post again that’s it that’s literally it god I hate it and the worst part is I believed everyone when they said college was going to be awesome and freeing and amazing but noooooo I get the shitty experience I get to have no free time and basically no friends and constant stress over the fact I’m paying way too much fucking money to go to this pretentious ass fuckign school that I fucking hate and I get to break down crying multiple times a week —- I haven’t cried since I got home a month ago!!!! I forgot how that feels!!!! I forgot that is normal!!!!! I just don’t know what to do I don’t know if I can do twenty more goddamn weeks of this where the fuck is my life going anyway god this post got really out of hand my bad guys have a model train set photo ily

[sleepwithnightlights]

I am a bit scared

I use a nightlight to sleep I am 23 and am scared of the dark. I am scared that something is there, something will jump at me. That when i open my eyes they will meet someone elses, that things move at the corner of my eye. I already sucked at falling asleep but that made it even worse. Plus i think i started to grind my teeth a while ago, if i had to guess at the same time the shadows started to actually be scary. I used to be fine with the dark and when i imagined something being there, coming at me i would smile in understanding of the creature, sympathy. I wasnt scared of them and it was a proving that i was toughened up that they werent worse than what i knew. So it might be good that they are scary now, perhaps it means i allow myself to be vulnerable. Stress and worse time falling asleep would disagree tho. I feel silly writing this while knowing i might share it. I know not many will see it and at worst an ai bot scrapped it and thinks humans use the word scary and scared a lot more than they should. I also dont write. I used to when i wanted to be an author, they were horse stories and truly wonderful. Later in school i still loved to write, some of it was the silliness i deserved, and some was concerning and should have tipped off my teachers. I guess i gotta say: "I dont write anymore." Which will soon be a lie if i ever make it past 1 or 2 posts. I also dont speak english as my first language and i dont get better at grammar the later it gets, which is when i will write most of these texts. Late at night when im dreading to exist but death is too extreme because of my mom and because of my dog and because of my cat and because of my friends and im scared of pain and i am not at risk, i am in therapy and would certainly not go on a blog to seek my last contact and all i want is to be nothingness but not dead but every thought is poison and i want it to finally shut up up there. So i'll write instead and finally remember what i was thinking duing this time and make it easier for my therapist.

I dont think i used a single comma so far. Oops. I also think that i am being cringe. I will sound edgy no matter how i word it and that no thought will be unique, that what i write is eye-rollable. Teenager stuff. I guess its teenager stuff, its kids stuff, the me teenager and the me kid is just as angry and sad and terrified as the now me. I guess i deserve to be those things and sound cringey and edgy i've got important stuff to share, like being a sad and terrified and angry kid. So back off hater and ai that will not use a single comma now thanks to me. You are welcome guys, i saved us from the impending plagiarization of everything everyone is writing anywhere. Yippie.

I dont allow myself to have a break from doing something during the day.i need to do something so i dont start thinking. Thats stuff bed-me has to deal with and she has gotten quite adapt at trying their best to work with the mess day-me has to deal with. • Fantasy stories. • Funny or exciting scenarios. • Revenge scenarios. • Fake arguments. • Something tragic has happened and only i can help (f.e. a train has been taken hostage and i can save everybody). • Someone i love dearly has died (not actually) and i am now left to deal with grief i cannot even imagine how bad it will be once they truly die. • Someone i love died (actually) and i am left to be furious with the hands they were dealt and they were not able to live their life as they deserved it. • Less now but i used to love creating little love interests and creating whole stories on how we met and fell in love.

There is more but writing does make me tired. Also a lot of these dont actually seem good or helpful and you would be correct but awful scenarios bring a sense of control since i know how to deal with surviving and adapting to anything.

I think i had strategies like these since ever. They used to be mostly diving into the fantasyland of whatever book i was reading, creating my own character, having my own powers, replaying what fun they had. I used to look forward to that part of falling asleep since it was so fun. I dont know if there is something not "normal" about that, something any kid wouldnt do aswell. Im starting to get frustrated that i cant put my thoughts down into writing like i want it to, so ill go try and sleep again. Thank you for reading, hope you got your nigthlight on or video or

[thesoundofsimple]

recently my friends have started a new series on our text chat where they ask me about a band and im supposed to give my POV. this started because of some huge rant i went on saying REO speedwagon sucks and i dont care who knows it. anyway, several bands have been covered. here was their latest ask. Bon Jovi

Now onto more fun things 

Bon Jovi.

My opinion on Bon Jovi is skewed but my opinion on Jon who seems to be a pretty awesome human being by most accounts. The whole soup kitchen he owns and often secretly works in the back of washing dishes and shit is pretty much enough for me to give him a pass even if I hated his band.

That said, I dont hate his band. Tho I cant imagine putting a whole Bon Jovi record on and listening to it either.

This guys came on the scene when we were basically in middle school and at the time I hated them because they were essentially a boy band. Girls loved them which annoyed me. They were like a metal Duran Duran. 

Over time most of their music falls into my category of “good, but ive reached my limit on how many times I can hear it”. Lot of good music in that category. But if you give good love a bad name comes on I immediately turn it off, way over my limit. And even seeing other people get into it and start singing it and going wild it annoys me because im a weird person with issues. 

That said, that never say goodbye is a good sentimental ballad from the dreaded junior high dances, the young guns song is pretty good, and Dead or Alive is actually high on my list of great songs. It’s not just a good song its a great song, peak JBJ vocal abilities and he kills it (as does Richie), absolutely killer git solo, amazing start and end, it’s like the song they got from making the deal with the devil AND prob the best most perfectly self indulgent 80’s rock video maybe ever. Has it all, 80’s western outlaw haberdashery, limos with that half moon antenna, bodyguards, double neck guitars, stretching, feigned fatigue from having too much fun, empty stadiums, personalized airplanes, crazed fans, on and on. Perfection. 

Plus, JBJ’s appearance on Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) is so goddamn funny it saves him regardless of all my other ramblings. You cant find it online because of copywriter issues apparently (lawyers) but this still image makes me laugh on its own). 

As to the Jersey thing, hey you grow up sorta hating Jersey in NY but im cool with school spirit. Besides what’s not AWESOME about Sayreville? 

[witnessme-shinyandchrome]

Letters about my mom #1

My mother was the main parent I had growing up. Dad visited super often but this is mostly about mom. She was a nurse, worked herself to the bone to provide for 3 kids. Multiple jobs.

I was the youngest and the only girl for about 9 years. Then she had my youngest sister. Who I pretty much hated from day one. Massive jealousy issues. Thankfully I eventually got therapy and my sister and I have mostly repaired out relationship. I try really hard to a better sibling.

During therapy I also worked really hard to repair my relationship with my mom. And it mostly worked, I started understanding why she did certain things and appreciated all the effort and hard work she put in to raise us.

And because she worked hard and loved up and tried her best, obviously it meant she never abused us. Btw spent a good minute trying to type out that sentence. It's so much easier to view 'abusive parents' as uncaring heartless monsters. Like the ones on tv shows.

She never hit me, but she definitely hit my brothers. I mean, never hit me outside of spanking. But I was scared of her, and scared she'd hit me. If I cried she'd say, 'I'll give you something to cry about' I don't really know what else it could have meant.

It's so hard. From where I am now, I can see her undiagnosed medical issues. Her rampant depression. Her (still) undiagnosed mental issues. With two autistic kids and one with bpd, she definitely has some issues she that she passed on and isn't sorting out.

But growing up with her sucked. Getting in trouble for asking questions, or crying, or getting to loud because I was excited. And only now am I understanding her... delusions? I guess?

She became super religious around 8 years ago. I mean, balls deep in religion. She demanded we go to church every Sunday. Started talking about immortal souls and burning in hell. And dealing with that at the same time as confronting my gender identity and sexuality... not great.

And then the conspiracy theories. I just brushed them off. I thought she's a rational hard working adult. She'll understand how silly it all is, because she is smart and experienced. When I was around 14 or 15, she told me, 'one day, men with guns will come to your school. They will assault you and point guns at you and tell you to renounce God. You have to tell them you'll NEVER renounce God or you'll burn in hell.'

She then described in great detail what female circumcision is, and what king of genital mutilation they would do to me to force me to convert religions.

A few years later she told me all about how the government (obama) would put us all under shiranda law.

A few years later, the US economy was going to collapse and we'd all be bartering with silver and gold.

Her most recent shit, the rapture is happening. End of the month, rapture. Oh, and if it doesn't happen at the end of the month, then in 7 years. Gotta cover the bases I guess.

Some other vague ones, the illuminati is real, and involves all celebrities. Also the moonlanding is fake.

She trapped me in the car a few days ago to tell me the world is ending. I am unfortunately dependent on her. It was all I could do not to burn that bridge and tell her to let me the fuck out and I'll walk my ass home.

I am so SICK of this. Every time I find equilibrium mentally she fucking rips my scaffolding apart. I followed her religion for a few years because im 95% anxiety and the idea of burning in hell scares me more than anything else.

But loyalty out of fear is not true loyalty. I cannot spend my life, cowering and shivering in a corner.

I'm struggling with the idea that my relationship hasn't improved with her. Have I just been excusing her bad behaviors? How do I reconcile the idea that someone who I thought was rational and realistic is actually a fear mongering bigot.

I'm dreading seeing her this Thursday. Will she start up her religious doctrine when I'm trapped in the car with her? I can't have an outburst. I'm far too dependent on her. But neither can I go to work after and have a breakdown.

I kinda wanna pull the, cutting up a credit card and skipping town move.

[lostacelonnie]

The dreaded time returns once again. I hope your first day back wasnt bad. Oh hell yeah peak fuck it we ball right there. & its always nice to have the support system. Oh yeah mt fuji is on my list too i wanna see it. Also id love to see the native birds. Love seein different types of birds. Oh okay words not commonly used bein dropped got it. Occasionally annoying is like the catchphrase of the english language. Oh yeah big same 80 is like my max comfort level for heat before it becomes unbearable. So 42c was like death it sucked so bad. Thanks! I also finally got through jarilo-vi story & playstation beta version opened to test so hopefully soon ill be able to play there. Mobile is hard to play on. Very nice i should check out rain world see what its like. I need to set aside time to draw its a relaxing hobby. I feel that i keep dropping games for a bit. Now that im all caught up on genshin again im trying to play more dredge & river city girls. Maybe even beat them. I wish you luck in your minecraft quest. Fair enough. I get along okay with my half sister but not enough to like. Tell her things. Oh hell yeah congrats on the dye job done. Always feels good. Yeehaw new game mode. Star rail is doin good at havin fun & interesting side stuff to do really. I got so many facts about fish & birds & such in my head at all times but can i remember all of them all the time? No. Such is life with adhd

it really does. but hey i survived the first week AND made friends with the cool alt girls from my class so its not ryover 👍and yeah i was. actually quite surprised how chill my mom is with me being queer but im not complaining. and yeah definitely!!! i dont rlly know a lot about birds but i agree its always nice to see them. and yeah isnt it!!!! tho Being Polish kinda desensitized me to languages being annoying since it is like that as well. while i do operate my mother language quite well, i cannot remember a Single grammar rule ive ever learned. just freestyle it and hope for the best. what the fuck is a przydawka. and ough congrats on surviving that then. im going to alicante with my school pretty soon [mightve mentioned this but i dont remember?] and from what we know its going to be like 25c there and like. damn. here i was getting happy about not having to deal with the heat until the next vacation. but Whatever. AND AHH THATS NICE!! id love to hear ur thoughts on the story i honestly Really like the jarilo vi arc. mobile IS hard to play on. survive out there. RAIN WORLD IS SO GOOD OMG THE GRAPHICS AND STORY ARE AMAZING AND ALL THE DIFFERENT SLUGCATS ARE SO FUN TO PLAY AS...... and ah good luck with that!! i have a little less time now that school is back but ive been trying to at least doodle every day. and ooh i dont recognize either of those, tell me ab them!! i did the genshin archon quest and havent logged in since but it was very fun. excited for the next part. and thank you o7 ill keep you updated on that. and yeah i feel you on that i have a pretty similar relationship with mine, its just that we rarely ever talk. AND THANK YOU!! im probably gonna repeat it soon since, as i said, dye doesnt really like to cooperate with me so its basically gone by now but at least i know this dye stays for at least a bit. i havent played star rail recently aside from the main quest tbh, didnt really have the motivation to do it i guess. BUT i heard the new simulated universe is fun so ill probs check it out Eventually. and yeah it really IS like that

[goremet-chef]

me feeling guilty for not saving someone in my dream like i

if i knew what was going on i wouldve got him im so sorry man if it happened too fast and i shouldve known i shouldve called out or grabbed him but i just panicked and ran and he fucking died because of me

i know i shouldnt be so upset, it was only a dream, but

my dreams are very vivid, and it doesnt help that like. when im stressed, i dissociate, and my brain tends to wander to the worst possible scenario, and itll stick. i find it really really hard to pull myself out of it because to me, what happens in my head seems just as real, maybe even MORE real than what happens irl

so even if its been hours since the stressful event, i might still be just as stressed (maybe even more stressed) because im stuck in a "what if" scenario that will play itself out fully and its hard to shake it off

that happened in my dream, something bad happened at our highschool and even after i escaped and ran to my friends house, i was in her house and crying and begging for her help because i could still hear the screams and shit even though i was far away and safe

i think THATS what really fucked with me, my brain playing off of my own trauma response and applying it to my dreams just made it so real, cuz yeah i am stuck in horrible events typically, any time they happen im stuck there even after they end, stuck in a spiral of what couldve happened if things got worse you feel me?

even after im awake and its been several hours i still feel that same dread, its making it hard to breathe

the worst part? the dream was so good at first. i was friends with a youtuber i watch and we went to school together and i sat with his friends on the first day cuz he invited me and they were accepting of me being trans and i fit right in immediately as one of the guys. i was so happy man. it felt so fucking good to just be seen as i am, for someone to be EXCITED to know me, even if i was new

its something i struggle with constantly, i just never really fit in no matter where i go. even when i make friends, and things seem to be going great, ill second guess myself and step away. ill perceive rejection where there isnt any and ill assume they dont want me around, etc. its a never ending cycle of me being unable to keep anything good, its so.

AGGRAVATING it suck ass. sometimes its not even me! i know i say this a lot but i mean it genuinely when i say that normal people find me offputting and weird immediately. there is no second guessing, there is no oh maybe ill get to know him, NO. i freak people out with my mannerisms alone, and its really sad. i didnt have hardly any friends in highschool since i moved from my hometown to go, i made a total of 4 over the course of 3 years, and of those 4, 3 moved away. my last year was the saddest loneliest thing ever, all my teachers thought i was depressed and thought i wanted to kill myself so they were all nice to me and checking on me. it was so humiliating? to be so isolated that people NOTICE yr isolated

nevermind when i started hallucinating, that was soo great 😁 really loved that era /s

my life has been drowned out with such a profound loneliness that i dont even know where to start to combat it. it hurts my heart to think about it. to think about the jealousy and embarrassment i felt for the longest time when i realized my closest friends, my ONLY friends, had friends outside of me. that no matter what, even in a group as weird as us, id be the weirdest and i wouldnt be as charming as them, i couldnt keep a conversation like them and so all i had was them

now i do have other friends, but its still.. i dont know how to talk. and i know i make posts like this every once and a while but i guess im just? im a very low maintenance friend i guess. if we're friends, i will always like you. if we dont fall out in some sort of way, i will always hold you close to my heart. even if we dont talk much, i still love you

i dont really know how to like? ENGAGE i struggle with engaging. im alone all the time so i just talk about myself and my things in my own channel, i live through my characters most of my day. i feel like i might be a bad friend? as much as i like to insist i can handle someone and i know what its like to feel rejection and shit cuz of bpd, i think im still not good. i dont know how to engage with someone, i wanna have a meaningful conversation but if its not about my stuff, im bad at responding. i care!! i swear i do, i just dont know how to make that super clear, cant ask questions cant do any of that i just try to make it clear that i want to hear more yknow? i guess im just used to talking nonstop to myself so i just figure thats how other people like to have conversations too, but i think im wrong

idk it sucks. my heart is heavy today. im gonna try and draw cuz i want to but theres just so many things. im stressed, is all