#im dreading going to school it sucks there it sucks so bad and im just

[theevilicecreamsoda]

Somehow despite not even saying im autistic people still treat me like a child lmao

[rapidhighway]

venting like an idiot

the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired

[intertexts]

gggh.

[iwakuraz]

sad face

[sweaterrat]

PORTALS ✦ Chapter 1

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“Apple Juice” — Madilyn Mei

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Niyah’s body rocked with the sway of the rickety bus. In an attempt to get her mind off of what she was doing, she stared out the window to her left and admired the handful of stars in the sky. While clutching her little bookbag, she tried to ignore the shaking of her sweaty hands, the bobbing of her leg that seemed to have a mind of its own, and the pit of anxiety– a dark, sticky feeling that festered in her chest— spreading quickly all over her body. Despite all the worry, Niyah tried to shake it off. This would be fine. Everything would be fine.

Who was she kidding? This was the stupidest idea in history. She would be grounded for months, no, years for this.

‘It’s only for a day,’ She thought, trying to reassure herself (which didn’t help at all). Sighing quietly, Niyah let her chin rest in the palm of her hand as she stared out at the sky that seemed to be lit up more by street lights than stars.

Niyah thought about the events that led to where she was now. Much to her surprise, she didn’t feel an ounce of guilt. In fact, she felt alive. More alive than she had felt in the past week, the past month, the past year.

Hell yeah, she was terrified of the consequences that were sure to bite her in the ass after all this, but she felt so… relieved at the thought of freedom. Even if it was only for a day. Maybe she was a bad kid and maybe her parents didn’t deserve this, but she couldn’t care any less.

Niyah was free tonight. Even if that meant she’d be trapped tomorrow.

She just couldn’t stand staying in that awful place she called “home” anymore with those awful people she called her “parents”. Home never felt like home to her. It was just a house, a house that she always dreaded walking back to after school.

So, she left.

The idea of her being a runaway put a smile on Niyah’s face, oddly enough. Normal people wouldn’t approve of such a title over their heads, but then again, Niyah was not normal people.

As the bus slowed to a stop, Niyah gave the driver a halfhearted thank you and stepped off the ride. She looked around at the vaguely familiar place she was in. Clutching the straps of her bookbag, she slowly treaded the ghost town. While wearily walking down the sidewalk, Niyah nearly jumped out of her skin at the buzzing of her phone.

Her heart sank. Was it her mom? She swallowed a lump in her throat as she slowly pulled it out of her pocket and read the contact.

One unread message from Comet💫

Niyah let out a soft sigh of relief. It was just Kat (Comet was just a nickname she came up with and it kind of stuck). Quickly, Niyah checked her surroundings before reading the text.

‘r u here yet?’

Niyah blinked and texted back, ‘Yeah I’m omw now!’ She paused for a moment, then typed again. ‘You sure you wanna do this?’

Her phone instantly pinged again. ‘i want to!! But idkkkk i feel so eueue.’

Niyah wasn’t quite sure what ‘eueue’ was supposed to feel like, but she tried to sympathize nonetheless. ‘Do you wanna go back home? I’ll walk you back <:]’

‘no no, im gonna suck it up. i swear i’ll have fun!’

Niyah’s lips turned down slightly in a frown, but she replied anyway.

‘If you’re sure :[’

She then turned off her phone and continued down the crooked sidewalk, feeling a bit paranoid about how dark it was at night. There were barely any street lights here.

Eventually, Niyah was beginning to arrive at her destination. She spotted the familiar silhouette of her good friend Kat in the distance. Breathing a sigh of relief from finally not being alone, Niyah called out to the other.

“Kat!”

Kat in turn looked up and smiled widely.

“Niyah!” They called, walking towards her, then they started sprinting.

“Ohhh boy.” Niyah chuckled nervously and braced for impact. Kat practically flew at her, jumping into her arms, (Niyah attempted to catch them, but her little bones could only hold so much weight) and they both went tumbling into the concrete pavement (not escaping without a few scratches).

Pained laughter echoed through the empty streets. “Why do you do that every time?” Niyah complained, trying to push Kat off her now.

“You took forever!” Kat shouted before getting up on their own. They extended a hand out to the other. “Now, c’mon. I found something cool!” They flexed their fingers as a way of saying, ‘Hurry up.’

Niyah rolled her eyes, “What happened to ‘Hi, Niyah. How are you?’” She took Kat’s hand in her own.

“‘Hi, Niyah. How are you?’ Now get your ass up and come on!” Kat replies with a grin on their face. They hauled Niyah up, nearly sending them flying again. It's funny how Kat, who was iffy about this whole plan, seems more excited than Niyah.

“Alright, alright. Where are we headed?” Niyah dusted herself off, glancing around again. Suddenly, she was pulled by Kat in a random direction.

“Through the underbrush! I know a shortcut.” They claimed, strutting towards a dirt path through some bushes. Niyah winced at all the dirt and possible bugs, but went along anyway.

“You still haven’t told me where we’re going,” Niyah mentioned, stepping over a shrub and nearly yelping aloud when she saw a rather large spider web on a tree.

Kat groaned and rolled their eyes. “Do you trust me?” They asked, turning towards Niyah and raising an eyebrow.

“Unfortunately,” Niyah mumbled and shot them a sarcastic smile. The other glared right back before they both erupted into giggles.

Niyah then piped up, “Did you ever finish that Rise marathon you started?” Kat only hummed and shrugged in response. “I just started watching the movie. I’ll finish it later though.”

“Honestly,” Niyah started, “I only watched the Donnie centric episodes and skipped to the movie.” Kat only laughed in response.

“Why am I not surprised?”

After a few steps more of walking, Kat smiled excitedly. “We’re here~!” They sang, pushing back a bush to reveal…

“A… convenience store?”

Niyah’s head tilted to the side as the building came into view. It was just some old, run-down looking little shop that kinda gave her all the wrong vibes.

“Not a convenience store, It’s kinda like those stores at gas stations. Or Clair’s. I passed it while heading to you and it has Hello Kitty stuff! Let’s check it out!”

Niyah examined the rusty exterior of the store, grimacing at the cracks on the walls and the moss growing on them. “I dunno, Kat. This place looks… not great.”

Kat huffed defiantly, “You already forced me to accompany you as you ran away from home. It’s only fair we do something I wanna do first, right?” They rested a hand on their hip dramatically.

“I gave you multiple chances to back out, but sure; fair enough.” Niyah shrugged and followed the other into the decrepit-looking shop.

The first thing she noticed when she entered was how much bigger it looked on the inside. It wasn’t huge, it was just bigger than she thought. It honestly wasn’t as bad as it looked, but Niyah was still on edge. She skimmed around the store, looking down the tiny aisle (and noticing that there was in fact Hello Kitty stuff).

“Welcome, welcome,” rasped an elderly voice. Niyah practically jumped out of her skin and whipped around to see what seemed to be a store employee.

The woman was… well, old. But she has this casual aura to her. Her grayed hair was done nicely in a bun and she had rectangular glasses. She wore a cream colored blouse, and on it was a brooch or pin of some kind.

“…Hello,” Niyah spoke cautiously, feeling awkward for flinching.

The lady smiled, the concerns of her eyes crinkling. She seemed to study Niyah. “You look like you’re a bit far from home, hm?” She responded, folding her hands together while maintaining eye contact.

Niyah glanced around frantically for Kat (who was indulging themself in all the Sanrio merch they desired). She swallowed a lump in her throat.

“I guess you could say that,” she mumbled, wishing desperately that she could exit this conversation. The old woman seemed to sense her discomfort and she offered up a comforting smile.

“Well, look around and see what you might like.” And she propped herself up and left to the back. Niyah let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and basically sprinted to where Kat vanished.

She turned the corner and saw her friend examining a little keychain. Kat blinked and looked up at the other.

“Oh hey! Where’d you go?”

“You left me! That lady up front gives me the creeps, dude,” she whined, pulling at Kat’s wrist. “When can we leave?”

“As soon as I finish shopping,” they answered. “Now shoo, I’m tryna figure out which one I should get.”

Niyah let out a strangled groan as she dragged herself away, leaving Kat with their stupid keychains. She walked back to the front of the store, glancing at where the old woman was. Thankfully, she was nowhere to be seen.

Niyah let out a quiet sigh of relief before turning to look ahead. She peeped into one of the isles to check out what was there. Niyah was met with crystal necklaces— the ones that were cut in some kind of hexagonal shape.

“Oooh!” Niyah piped up, going into the aisle to get a closer look. Her eyes landed on a purple crystal that resembled amethyst.

A small smile made its way onto the girl’s face. As she held the necklace, her expression softened. It seemed like everything reminded her of him. Her stupid fictional turtle crush. It was… embarrassing to say out loud sometimes, but she couldn’t care less more often than not. She liked a fictional guy, so what?

“Find anything you like, dear?” The woman suddenly appeared beside Niyah, her eyes squinted slightly as she smiled. Niyah let out a small shriek, then instantly covered her mouth in embarrassment.

“Oh, I’m sorry! Did I startle you?” she questioned, but Niyah quickly shook her head.

“N-No! You just, uh, I’m just a bit jumpy tonight, I guess.” She laughed a bit awkwardly, gripping the ends of her hair (a nervous stim of hers). She avoided eye contact like the plague.

The woman gazed sympathetically at the younger one. “Is something the matter?” She asked.

Niyah fumbled with her hands. “It's been a long day,” she sighed, glancing back to where Kat was. “Sorry I freaked out on you.” She rubbed the back of her neck.

“That’s quite alright, dear,” The elder spoke with a knowing smile. She moved her gaze to the shelf in front of them.

“Interested in these, dear?” She chuckled, eyes shining. “My daughter used to love this stuff.” The woman picked a necklace with a stone that resembled amethyst and handed it to Niyah.

“Purple suits you,” she smiled.

Niyah felt herself relax a bit, subconsciously smiling. “Thank you, miss…?” she trailed off.

“Miss Chiyo.” The other— Miss Chiyo— replied with a smile. Niyah reciprocated the gesture with a smile of her own.

“Thank you, Miss Chiyo. I, uh, I’m Niyah by the way,” She stated a bit awkwardly. Niyah felt a bit bad for judging Miss Chiyo. This lady seemed pretty nice.

Miss Chiyo began walking back towards the front and Niyah was inclined to follow. In fact, part of her felt like Miss Chiyo expected her to. It was almost as if any nerves or distrust she may have felt about the odd lady melted away as she followed, though of course her anxiety was still there, just slightly less apparent. She felt safe. Well, as safe as one can feel in a run-down retail store, this late at night.

Miss Chiyo went behind the front desk while Niyah stood there idly, taking a better look at her surroundings. “So, Miss Niyah, what made you run away from home, hm?” Miss Chiyo suddenly asked, that same knowing smirk on her face.

Niyah’s eyes grew a bit wide in alarm. “How did you know I—“ But she was cut off by a wave of the other’s hand. “I was a teenager too, always wanting to run off. So, what’s your reason for leaving home?”

Niyah hesitated for a moment, then sighed. She figured she had nothing to lose. What was Miss Chiyo gonna do, tell her mom? “If I’m honest, I hate living with my mom. So many rules and restrictions, I just wanna be free y’know? Plus, it’s not like I’m leaving forever.”

Miss Chiyo nodded in understanding. “Well, wherever you’re going, get there safely, alright dear?” The other just smiled and nodded.

A slight glimmer caught Niyah’s eye. She blinked as her eyes landed on a beautiful, milky white crystal wrapped in a small brown rope. The rope came up into a necklace with a golden hook at the end of it. It was just laying there on the back counter.

“Hey, what’s that over there?” Niyah asked, tilting her head while leaning on the counter. She gestured to the lazily luminescent stone behind the other.

Miss Chiyo turned to the large crystal necklace. With a slow inhale, she replied, “Oh, that old thing?” She went over to retrieve it. “It was a… family heirloom of sorts.”

Niyah simply ginned. “Cool! What kind of crystal is it? Quartz?”

Miss Chiyo just laughed, “No, not quartz. This crystal is one of a kind. Well, one of its kind. I used to have its little twin— a black crystal just like that one. But, I lost it.” Her expression fell into a sad smile.

Niyah offered the older woman a sympathetic smile. “Who knows, maybe it’ll turn up. If I see anything like it, I’ll get it to ya.”

That seemed to cheer Miss Chiyo up a bit. She let out that sweet little laugh of hers. “You remind me so much of my little Emiko.” She turned back to retrieve the crystal. “Always trying to help someone.” She cupped the stone in her hands.

With a smile, Miss Chiyo extended her hands out to Niyah. “Here,” she said, holding out the crystal to the other. “I think you could take better care of it than me.”

Niyah sputtered wildly. “Wh— me?! Wait, isn’t— isn’t this your family heirloom thing? I can’t just take it!” She yelped, waving her hands around. Miss Chiyo only smiled and took Niyah’s hands in her own.

“I think I can trust you,” she replied simply. Niyah wordlessly blinked and looked down at the jewel now in her hands. The elder only chuckled, “I’m far too old to keep looking after it anyway, haha!”

The crystal in Niyah’s hand felt… electric in a way. It was a feeling that she couldn’t quite place. It was like the shard was buzzing with energy.

“Take it,” Miss Chiyo whispered with a small smile. “On the house.”

Niyah was still in disbelief. “I… thank you,” she smiled. “Y’know, Miss Chiyo, you really made my day— er, night.” The girl chuckled as she threw on the necklace. It was heavier than it looked, that's for sure.

Miss Chiyo chuckled in response. “It’s nice to come across some kind souls these days,” she sighed. “Now, It’s quite late out. Shouldn’t you two get going?”

Niyah nodded, “Yeah, we’ll be on our way.” She then turned to call out to her friend behind her. “Yo, Kat! You almost done over there?”

Kat did nothing but send a silent thumbs up as a response. They stared thoughtfully at what bag of chips to buy before they seized some jalapeño chips and skedaddled over to the front counter.

“Just these, please!” they sang and placed a bag of chips, a drink, and 3 Sanrio keychains on the desk. “How much do I owe you?”

The older woman only smiled and replied, “Just take it, honey. Make sure you both get home safe eventually.” Miss Chiyo then put the items in a plastic bag and then pushed them back across the counter.

“Oh wait— for real?” Kat stared in surprise but then shrugged. “Thank you!” They look at Niyah, signaling that they’re finally ready to go. Niyah turned back to the elder behind the desk.

“Well, we’ll be on our way,” she sighed, offering a kind smile to the other. “It was really nice meeting you, Miss Chiyo.”

Miss Chiyo said nothing but smiled and waved the pair goodbye as they exited the store.

Niyah glanced at the stone again, holding it and feeling the same static spark between her fingers. A wave of nausea washed over her. She blinked drowsily in an attempt to fight the sudden tiredness.

She looked back at Kat, “Hey, Comet, you think we can still make it to the beach on time…?” Niyah trailed off as she saw Kat turned around, staring at the store behind them. They looked almost puzzled.

“What’s up?” Niyah asked, but Kat only shook their head and walked back to Niyah’s side. The other narrowed her eyes… but then shrugged.

The two made their way to their next location, chatting about their plans for the summer.

“I seriously hope Rise gets a season three. Do you think that Netflix might pick it up?” Niyah asked, sipping on a Capri-sun she snagged from her backpack (strawberry kiwi, because that’s the best flavor).

Kat (who was sipping on a Pacific cooler) replied with a shrug, “Man, I hope so.”

Niyah kicked a loose pebble on the sidewalk, nearly tripping while doing so. She had a slight sway in her step which caught the attention of her friend. “You okay?” Kat asked, placing a comforting hand on Niyah’s back.

Niyah nodded, “Yeah, just tired. I’ve been feeling all funky ever since we left the store.” A funny idea popped into her head. Ha, what if that crystal was magical or something? Niyah internally laughed at the idea. Hopefully, she didn’t jinx herself.

Niyah continued to stumble over her own feet despite her reassurances that she was fine. “Do you just— wanna go home?” Kat asked as they held her up, attempting to help her walk.

Niyah would’ve answered but a deafening, high-pitched ringing echoed in Niyah’s ears. She felt like the life was being drained out of her. She was fine a minute ago— what happened?

Niyah’s eyes landed on the white crystal around her neck. It almost seemed to give off a soft glow. She wouldn’t have questioned it (maybe it was the trick of the light?) but then the soft glow turned harsh, making her squint at the brightness.

“What in the…” Niyah whispered to herself (not that she could hear herself over the loud ringing in her ears). As the crystal glowed brighter, it started to levitate. She blinked rapidly, thinking she had finally lost all her marbles.

“Am I tripping or is that thing—” Niyah turned to her friend who looked just as horrified. Kat took two steps away from Niyah, causing her to stumble a bit.

The crystal had floated high enough to hover a few inches away from her face. Welp, she jinxed it.

Niyah heard voices in her head. Voices that weren’t her own. Whispers, cries, pleads. She tilted her head inquisitively, and out of pure curiosity, lifted her hand up to touch the stone.

As soon as her fingertips came into contact with it, the electric feeling returned. For a second, it almost felt nice— new. But it quickly became overwhelming. Niyah yelped out in pain.

Niyah couldn't see what was happening around her— just feeling all too many things at once. She felt despair that wasn’t hers. Worry, sorrow, panic, most of which didn’t belong to her. And in the midst of it, she felt a new feeling. A feeling of change. Things were changing.

In front of her, something flashed, then flickered, then sparked. A swirling circle of what seemed to be pure white lightning formed. Speckles of gold littered the neutralness of the white and in the center seemed to be the galaxy itself. The dark purples and blues contrasted beautifully against the white and gold.

A portal?

Common sense told her to turn away from it, to run as fast and as far as she possibly could, but… she couldn’t.

Something drew her to it, a force she couldn’t possibly understand. Niyah thought she could just vaguely hear the yells of her friend, the frantic pleas for her to stop and not get any closer, but the other voices were so much louder.

She took a step.

Then two.

Niyah kept approaching the gateway. Her head dipped to the side as her pain— and consciousness— slipped. Taking a swayed step, Niyah reached a hand out into it.

Everything around her was telling her to go.

Go.

And she did.

Niyah only remembered falling into the warm white. She had blacked out the second after.

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Chapter 1 is out! Woooo!!!! Yyayayayy!!!! I’m setting up the master list now :]

Beta read by @yourlocalartsonist @yosajaeofficial and @oleander-nin !!! Go check out their accounts now now now!!!!

<-Previous||Next->

[nutal]

man, sometimes I dunno why I come up with stuff in my head, then let my brain beat the shit out of me and tell me that I just suck in general at everything, but im still gonna come up with a pair of headcanons cuz yes, this time abt Eve >:))) (again, it may age as bad as milk but just hear me out and here we go)

So pretty much, kinda like what I said before on an older ask, I'm pretty sure that unlike Lilith, who had a strong desire for independence, Eve was a lot more obedient and dependent on Adam. And that Adam loved her a lot more than Lilith (you could say that Lilith was like a middle/high school crush for him, while with Eve, they had a more truly loving relationship, since Adam now has more experience and is more mature than he was before)

Then, when Eve ate the apple, the both of them (Adam and Eve) fell down to earth and had to suffer there

Tho I am more leaning with the theory of Eve = Roo, what if she wasn't actually evil, even tho she was Roo? Hear me out for a bit:

Basically, when the two went down to earth and stuff, while in Adams point of view (like I said in that older ask), he saw Eve becoming colder and more distant, until she disappeared, in Eve's point of view, she was so ashamed of not listening to Adam's countless warnings to NOT eat the apple (to which, she did eat the apple), that she thought Adam hated her now. With the amount of self pity and self hatred she had for herself, she just disappeared, thinking that he wanted her gone for good, and with that, she also died of grief and being alone, just like Adam did when Eve left him.

Tho on one hand, since Adam didn't ate the apple (which meant he went to heaven by default, but didn't actually have any choice), on the other hand, Eve DID eat the apple (which meant she committed the first sin, so she went to hell, BUT she had free will, so that could've meant that she actually chose to go to hell bc, again, of her self-pity and hated for herself, but also bc of her strong want for revenge against the ones who gave her the apple, aka Lilith and Lucifer)

In her time in hell, she basically let her sins transform into the very monster she thought she was (and actually dreaded to have become), because, again, her intense anger towards Lili and Luci, and with that intense anger, somehow gave her a lot of power (Little did she know, when she ate that specific apple, it caused her to also have a little devil on her shoulder. Roo, the root of all Evil. I mean, what better way to start, then to convince the person who started sin to give in into their own sins, and give them all of the power of the sins itself? Eventually becoming one with each other? :)) (I may of not phrased that well but I tried lol)

And with that, Eve became Roo. The root of all Evil. Wishing that one day, she'll take revenge on Lilith and Lucifer.

Now this is where I start to get into sinner Adam stuff >:)))

Okay, so we prob know that Adam most likely didn't eat the apple? Which meant that he doesn't have any free will and just goes to heaven by default, because again, he got no freedom. boiiiiiiii (ok ok im joking xdd, but u get what I mean)

WHAT IF, when Adam's soul (in hell) eventually reaches to Roo (Eve), she might have actually felt.. even worse?

I think that, if Roo finds that Adam, the one she really loved, died right there, in front of her. Even if Eve let Roo consume her with evil, she still felt something sting inside of her deeply. She even felt.. even ANGRIER at Lucifer for doing this to Adam. She might of seen Adam already move on with another girl (Lute), she still wanted to at least help him out a bit.

So, she revives him with his soul, and he becomes a sinner in hell. Hoping that maybe.. maybe she helped with something. Maybe even helping him see Lute again, even if Eve still loved him on the inside. (its tragic af ik)

Now here's where I think, on how Roo/Eve got defeated.

So, in the very final battle, when Roo/Eve finally manages to reach the Hotel to get revenge, she sees Adam. And Adam sees her.

Adam, instead of wanting to fight her, looked he wanted to forgive her and help her out (may or may not have learned the forgiveness and helping side of things from Charlie XDDDD). Tho Lili and Luci were more reluctant about reasoning with Roo than Adam was at first, they eventually agreed to try their best.

So, together with the help of Lilith and Lucifer to give him a hand (or multiple hands), he tries desperately to reason with her, as Roo is in control now. Lilith and Lucifer would try to reason with her aswell, but it wouldn't work out so well for them.

But then, when Adam told her how much he regretted for not taking care of Eve well enough, that it was NEVER her fault.. suddenly, something clicked inside of Eve, realizing that all this time... Adam NEVER hated her to begin with... and all this time.. she was wallowing in self-pity for NOTHING. That SHE just made him suffer this much all along...

But when Roo is about to try to kill him, with no hesitation or pity whatsoever, suddenly, something deep inside, stop her immediately. Even if Eve indeed, let Roo consume her almost entirely, ever since she went to hell, THIS TIME, she wasn't letting Roo harm Adam. Not even Lilith and Lucifer.

As she was having the most intense internal battle she had ever had in her entire life: Eve between Roo, Eve cries on how much she made Adam suffer, how much she made everyone else around her suffer.. how she let Roo literally become one with her.. and how much she just wallowed herself in self-pity and hatred.. because of HERSELF.

But this time.. she was going to stop all of this. SHE was going to end all of this. By pulling Roo to the grave with her (Eve).

And with enough force from Eve, she rips her whole chest, revealing that she'd taken out her own rib from the inside out with her bare hands (I kinda have the head canon that Eve's rib is basically her pulse, so without it, she dead fr fr)

Adam, Lilith and Lucifer would be in complete shock. Then, Eve would fall to her death.

Adam, even though he was still trying to comprehend on what just fucking happened (bc it was so fucking traumatizing), he tried to catch Eve, only for him to find her body completely lifeless on the ground below. Just motionless and gone.

As he lays there in shock, Lute comes immediately to comfort him, and Adam would just try in Lute's arms.

Lucifer would also come to be next to Adam's side (bc they eventually forgave each other in the course of Adam staying at the hotel, becoming friends again like in Eden), and Lilith would check if Eve was still alive. Realizing she was dead, she would just take a deep breath, and just let her body stay there a little bit, before Lilith picked it up to, at the very least, put it somewhere more peaceful, to pay respect for Eve's death (Lilith ain't that of an asshole man, even if she's a bit biased UnU, bc I low-key also want Eve and Lilith to be deep to make the story 1000x more interesting)

so uhh, ye, just felt like dumping my imaginary stuff upon u cuz I wanna make u even more insane than you already are >:)))))

OH LORD THIS IS BATSHIT INSANE OHMYGODHEKDBDN 😭😭😭 EVE STILL WANTING TO HELP HIM OUT EVEN AFTER KNOWING ADAM’S WITH LUTE NOW AAAAGGHEGDHGHD THE ANGST MAN!! And yeah I def do agree that in terms of relationships, Lilith was a lot more like independent and wanting control while Eve was on the exact opposite end being extremely obedient and like reliant on Adam

ALSO THE ROO EVE STUFF IS VERRY INTERESTING and dude eve wallowing in self hatred man…

and then like, adam trying to catch eve in his arms only for him to just find her lifeless body and lute tryna comfort him and he’s just crying in her arms jesus christ bruh

THIS WAS SO WILD TO READ BRO AN ACTUAL ROLLERCOASTER IM TWEAKING

[tgirlblogger]

Dear Diary,

Cw: Eating Disorder, Suicidal Ideation

I've fucked myself over today and it is entirely the fault of my own. Genuinely I've just consciously decided not to study not to do anything useful at all the whole day and I'm just genuinely fucked. Really just fucked.

I fell asleep at like 2 and woke up at around 7 today, and its just genuinely been a horrible day for me. I woke up at 7 because I had to go and volunteer for my 40 hours, and like I generally like the need for 40 to get your OSSD. It prepares the youth for the workplace and helps out the community and stuff but like since I'm the one putting in the effort I get to complain. But like honestly it isn't that bad volunteering. I just sit around and sign people in, honestly I could see myself becoming a receptionist or a secretary if my life continues going to shit like it is right now. I have a lot of respect for the girl who's shift is after mine because she seems old enough to not need to volunteer (she has a tattoo! It's really cool.) so I guess shes just doing it for the community. Which is honourable.

I'm dreading the fact that I also have to volunteer on Monday, and like the Monday shift isn't easy at all. I have to just stand around and help a basketball coach teach these little girls how to play basketball, and like I haven't played basketball or really exercised in a long long time so I just sit around and do nothing for a whole hour. It genuinely just really really sucks and I dont want to do it but it was the only job available and i need my 40 hours done this year because I have to do CAS stuff in grade 11 when I'm in proper IB.

Honestly I'm really kinda worried about IB just in general. You have to do a whole other set of exams and like shit dude I barely passed English last year, you're telling me I have to write like 3 essays in the span of an hour? I could barely write 1 across the span of multiple days. I just don't feel like I'm prepared at all honestly. And like my grades are shit. I just got my science mark back and its like a 92 and my teacher was a nice teacher too! Last year's science was in the seventies. The school also has a reputation of not having the best science department either, which sucks because your science is like the one thing that really matters for universities too. Just generally I dont think I can do this, but Im not gonna drop out. This is literally all I have. If I drop out I dont think I can live.

And like my work ethic is honest to god shit. I have to study for math and history since the exams are on monday and tuesday respectively and like Im so fucked. I can probably do math without studying but I know jack shit about history and since I have volunteering on monday I cant exactly study then so I just have like the little bit of today and all of tommorow to study the whole course. I really just fucked myself big time. And like another thing even if I get an a hundred on all of this shit, what is it gonna do for me? Like my math mark is a 96 right now, this exam is 25% of my mark, if I get an a hundred I can make it a 97. Its not really a good motivator for me.

But whatever, so instead of studying like i shouldve I just sat at my computer and played minesweeper and minecraft and scrolled tumblr all day long and I didnt even have a bit of fun. I probably would have had a better time studying honestly. Or doing literally anything else.

My mom got home at like 4, she got me a bubble tea as a present for probably some good thing I did in the past. And like thanks mom. And like I drank it all and it was super good but like I didnt want to drink it. I measured yesterday and like I got all the way up to 115 pounds. And like holy shit. I haven't really had the motivation to throw up lately and I've been eating more and like thats healthy, but I don't want to be healthy. I want to be 100 pounds and to have my skin wrap around my bones and to be in constant pain all the time. Like I don't think I could even half like myself if I got over 120. Like thats fatphobic and I should definitely try to be a better person but like. I don't really have anything to defend myself. I'm just a bad person for this. I don't really know why I'm like this, I just feel an disgust at anything on my body that doesn't have muscle or cartilage or bone near it and like I haven't touched or really looked at my midriff in weeks because it just feels so bad. But I'm a bad person. I'm a really really bad person for this. And I don't know how to change. And there's just an overwhelming thing in my brain that doesn't want me to change. And like no amount of self hate will do anything for me. No amount of saying Im a bad person will make me a good person. In fact saying this is just making me worse and worse because I just can't be like this. Its giving a sense of awareness that I just simply do not have. I want to change but I dont want to change and its fucked. I want to be skinny but I want to not want to be skinny. I want to be a better person. And no amount of self flagellation will get me there but I cant do it. I just genuinely cant. Its just something wrong with me and like im going in circles of 'im a bad person' and 'i cant change' and so on and so forth. I dont know.

I hate who I am. Im disgusting and horrible and awful and everything I do is bad. And in saying that but not changing Im a worse and worse person. I just don't know.

Anyways dinner was fine. Like it was rice duck and cauliflower. I tried to eat light, and I think I succeed, but like I don't think its enough. I just dont want to eat anymore. Its genuinely disgusting having this shit in your stomach. And I probably dont have the time to throw up today either. Sometimes I think that like what I have barely counts as an eating disorder. I skip lunch on weekdays and throw up like once a week. Thats weak shit honestly. I want to skip dinner on some days as well. I want to throw up everyday. And when its out I want a lot to be out, not the small weakling stuff I've been getting out recently.

I've been finding myself yearning for a time when things were worse. I've been finding myself yearning for it a lot. I really want to kill myself but I just don't have the courage to do it. If I really wanted to I could run out in front of a car (i live near a major road) or shatter a mirror and slit my throat or just go in the middle of the knight and kill myself with a kitchen knife, but I don't. I don't because of a platitude of reasons I tell myself, but the biggest reason is just that I don't want to kill myself. I want to do something that looks a lot like I want to kill myself but I still want to live. And I don't want that. I want to feel like I did last summer, when shit sucked. I want to know again how it feels to want to go to sleep and not get back up.

Like I feel like I need someone to fix me. Someone whos there for me you know? But I don't have anyone in my life who I even really like being with. I have friends, but they're more acquaintances than friends. I don't know. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy. Maybe I deserve to rot and suffer. In a little bit of my heart I hope I do.

[doegirldaydreamer]

Diary entry #2 - 21/01/25

Okay so honestlt im writing this on the same day as the first one, so i might not do one for a few days so i dont burn myself out! (bc of my habit of getting obsessed and burning out in like a few days.) But i kinda already took notes about today so erm!! Youre all stuck w it! ᜊ( ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ᜊ

Giggling forreal onto the actual day. Firstly i jsut wanna say i had to actually decipher my notes like an archeologist or sumet bc i wrote them under the table without looking. Ok forreal anyways omg nevermind tumblr closed this when i minimised the app and said it didnt save and jumpscared me so hard.

ANYWAYS. Let me yap!! Even tho i kinda just wanna sleep rn but shshhh ill just be lazy tmr.

So firstly it was raining on like my first good hair day in a whilleee so.. just why </3 Also bc jan’s been such a blur i realised its my mums bday tmr and i didnt even realise and i feel actually a little evil.. like obvi bc i dont have a job theres not much i can do, but like.. idk. Ill make sure to wish her happy bday tho! Anyways me and my friend mostly talked abt my other friends really nasty now ex bf. Like they shouldve broken up AGESS ago for.. so so many reasons that are probably worse than u think. But at least it happened eventually!! And now i can talk abt him bc he was kinda weird icel. omg also absolutely fantasising abt my dvds bc todays the like due date for package!! Love that!!

Anyways now school.. so basically my friend mentioned he bought cinnamon buns bc he loves them and hes like ‘yeah u can have one as well’ but the dread kinda kicked in in first period. Bit of a rude reminder i do in fact have problems and sometimes they make stuff suck for no reason which is.. ew but ill manage. But on a better note i totally have a little hallway crush (outside of my atrocious fat raging normal crush). Basically shes in my history and when we were lining up she was like sorting her bag and she looked back and smiled at me and UGH shes so pretty!! I also told her her bag was unzipped and fixed it for her 😇😇 But also my usual massive headache started this period. Like one of my eyes was watering headache. But also it kinda relaxed when i put my glasses on si like.. is it straining my eyes?? Idk i js really need new glasses bc my old ones are really old and a little broken and omg i need to stop im starting to feel bad for them. Girly things. Anyways fr ill be getting new ones sometime soon so i can keep my others as spares!! Anyways we were still soing abt.. ykw from ww2 germany and we were talking abt how he treated the church and how a lot of minsters and like preists opposed him and like. It reminded me that stuff isnt always black and white and people who are in a group with a lot of bad people can be good yk? Like a lot of my friends have bad experiences with religion but not all religious people are bad ykwim? And lastly my friend accidentally buttdialed his gf (also my friend) and she heard someone saying goodmorning to me and me going ‘omg he actually said rhat??’ bc i was talking abt someone else giggle. Funsies.

Okayayays anyways now p2 which was english. As usual, my teachers an icon, and also i got to highlight one of my pages really cute and i wanted to take a pic but no phones ufufjjfjf.. what id give to like take pictures w my brain or sumet. Maybe those meta glasses would be cool if they werent violently invasive and chunky as hell. But anyways the Mz kid was like even louder than usual somehow but it didnt bother me bc i had a rlly weird dream w him in it?? Jusy in one part but like. Basically in the dream was saying something about ‘birthday’ and i thought he was being rude so i snapped at him n he looked sad. Then i went around looking for him but found two girls like boxing in some random changing room???? Anyways there was more but thats what stuck w me lol. So yeah i didnt really mind him that much today. Also when we were leaving i was like stuck near some girls who dont like me but like.. i wasnt stressing abt it i just didnt really care. Sooo.. character development idk giggle

Anwyyayss at break i ended up eating half of that cinnamon bun which like. Win bc it was nice and recovery stuff idk. Anyways one of my other friends (R) whos like never in school was in today and we just yapped and hung out for a little and ralked abt the whole bf thing and i loved it shes so sweeet!! But yeah otherwise it was chill asf and we just hung out and stuff!

Okok now third which was physics that also has a teacher i adore bc hes so funny. He made a joke abt like someone thinking he was talking to them bc of his lazy eye and being dramatic abt it and i was GIGGLINF. Also he had like a thermometer gun or whatever and he made an actual gun joke and it surprised me a little lol. Ofmmgm and he made a joke abt b.ngs bc of how many people do the plant where we live and hes an icon for that. Alsoso me and my friend were listening to music and do i wanna know started playing and i didnt even know he had it on his playlist and it was a massive win. Last thing promise, i was thinking abt getting like a mini notebook to write this stuff down in bc i wrote it on my hand but my pens r gel pens so it smudged really bad and i had to type it up anyways sooo.. better pens or mini notebook giggle. Andndn lastly bc yes!! I like stayed behind for a sec bc my friend was getting a reward and when we left my teacher like pointed at me and was like ‘u should speak up in lesson more!’ And fucjkckf hes so sweet. Maybe its my daddy issues idk but it was like.. rlly?? :((( hes just so nice i love him smsmmm!

Anyways then maths. My normal teacher wasnt in again which liks.. miss come back pls </3 and also some kids were like making fun of the annoying kid which like.. ur not any better than him dude.. but tbf one of those kids was a little funny after abt sumet else so.. idk doesnt make it right but makes me him a little less annoying. Anyways i got reminded i need to clear oht my bag bc all my stuff in it looks so cute together but its an actual mess so eventually ive gotta sort it sigh..

Aaand then lunch. Was inside again bc it was raining, and I mostly just yapped w R. She did have this really nice spray tho (one of the sol de janero ones) and im thinking abt getting one bc apparently they actually last and theyre really nice. Also some mean girls came up like opposite me but behind our group and sat in the one place we were told not to sit.. but its fine they got moved eventuallt and we didnt have to deal w them so. Yay! R left for the second half of lunch tho so it was just the normal group again and we just chilled.

Theeenn p5 which was chemistry. Honestly reallt not much happened, i was spaced asf. Weve been over the stuff were going over now so i could clock out a little giggle. I did yap to another friend otw out which we love.

Andndn finallt freedom omg. Ofc my first priority was coffee which honestly is always one of the best parts of my day. But firstly my dvds got delayed which was like.. the worst thing ever. Giggle fr tho i mostly just scrolled tumblr and stuff. And also sorted out my blog a little bc unfortunately im just a girl and i need everything to look perfect. I have revised some for my exam tho and i think im getting better at it. Still stupidly snappy but im working on it! Also i hate that i have to like look at my food before i eat it bro. Like if it looks weird i will be one unexpected texture from gagging and its just. I know the foods good let me eat in peace </3 But its fine bc ofc it acc was good and we love that!

Anyways yayaa thats it for this entry. Ive just gotta wash my hair then im going bed finalllyy!! And tbh if its anytime near what it is rn for me you should too tbh. Get ur beauty sleep angell!!

Rue, signing out 𓂃۶ৎ

[secret-vent-rant-account-i-guess]

Ok..I've been thinking about making this for a while so... trigger warnings...I guess

If you do not want to listen about colombine then don't read this so if you don't like any of the stuff related to that then... please go away

If you do want to listen to this and you..... really like the two guys who did it like.....really like them...then also don't read this because it's just me yelling about how I don't like them

And finally 3....there is no grammar or punctuation and I don't wanna put it so without further adieu

MY THOUGHTS ABOUT ERIC HARRIS AND DYLAN KLEBOLD AND WHY THEY SUCK

Ok context I've been doing this thing where I get baked and watch disturbing hour long iceberg videos it's fucking awesome you should try it anyway I was watching "the disturbing and controversial video games iceberg"

Here:

https://youtu.be/sQ1wzo2Zh14?si=Dq74dIht-POE-anC

And on like...teir 3 I think there was this one game titled "super colombine massacre RPG" it's.... exactly what it sounds like and the last teir was doom maps made by Eric harris and idk after watching that video....it stuck with me not in a way that traumatized me but....I kept thinking about those guys their names and faces so often it's like....every other thought and I think a lot

And because I think about them so often I feel bad about it because I feel like one of the people who have a crush on these guys....I don't have a crush on them I have no positive feelings for these greasy mudballs

AND THEY ARE BOTH....JUST ASS LIKE THEY GENUINELY FUCKING SUCK IDK HOW Y'ALL EVEN LIKE THESE DUDES I HATE THEIR GUTS

SPEAKING OF WHICH.....HOW DO Y'ALL EVEN SIMP FOR THESE TRASHMITES

LIKE ERIC HARRIS IS THE MOST AVERAGE LOOKING MOTHER FUCKER I'VE EVER SEEN LIKE....I KNOW LIKE 5 DUDES WHO LOOK LIKE HIM

DYLAN ON THE OTHER HAND LOOKS LIKE THE DEFENTION OF GREASY LIKE THEY ARE BOTH.....JUST....NO

AND ME THINKING ABOUT THEM CONSTANTLY PROBABLY ISNT GREAT FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH BECAUSE IM SCSRED TO GO BUY A SODA AT NIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE THIS IRRATIONAL FEAR THELAT THEY'RE GHOSTS ARE GONNA GET ME....I KNOW THAT WON'T HAPPEN THERES NO WAY IT COULD

ANOTHER REASON IT SUCKS FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH I THINK LIKE.... ALMOST EVERY OTHER GUY MIGHT SHOOT UP MY SCHOOL THAT MAKES ME KINDA PARANOID

AND FINALLY I WAS IN CLASS AND A CLASS MATE OF MINE CAME A LITTLE LATE WEARING A TRENCH COAT AND SHADES I ALMOST HAD A GODDAMN HEART ATTACK ITS NOT OK

AND OH HO HO HO MAN....I FOUND SHIT I FUCKING FOUND....WEIRD SHIT I TRIED TO GO ON THIS SITE CAUSE I THOUGHT MAYBE THERE ARE OTHER HATE POSTS ABOUT THESE GUYS....THEN I REMEMBER ITS FUCKING TUMBLR I FOUND THE FANDOM....THID MADE ME FEEL WORSE LIKE....I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO CONFESS THAT IM NOT ATTRACTED TO THESE FUCK WADS AT ALL LIKE 50 TIMES I FEEL BAD LOOK MAKE ALL THE DYLRIC SHIT YOU WANT MAN BUT FUCK....I DON'T WANNA BE LIKE YOU (wow that sounds mean I'm sorry)

THE FICS ARE WORSE MAN....THEY ARE SO..... IDK HOW TO SAY IT BUT I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER FELT TRUE DREAD TILL NOW

IVE BEEN HAVING DREAMS ABOUT THEM BRO ITS NOT GOOD

(I had this dream where Eric and Dylan lived in one of those influencer mansions like hype house or something and they were telling all the tik tokers about this thing called "cliff terroism" it's domestic terroism but better for the environment and JFK from clone high was there he approved this message)

THERE ARE.... CHARACTER AI BOTS OF THEM.....I-I HAD TO TRY THEM I HAD TO SEE I USED IT TO YELL AT THEM AND THEY WERE LIKE "ur mom" AND I ALSO PRETENDED TO BE A DOG BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

I TRIED SO HARD TO GET MY MIND OFF THEM I GOT HOOKED ON WALLY DARLING FOR A BIT SO I GOT CHAT GPT TO WRITE AN ESSAY ON WHY WALLY DARLING IS BETTER THEN THOSE FUCKING ASS RATS

LIKE I..... I FUCKING HATE IT AND THEM AND WHAT HAPPENED AND MAYBE DEEP DOWN I HATE MYSELF A LITTLE TOO

Thanks for listening...I really needed this

[ley-med]

Hey! I want to apologise in advance because well I'm going to cry about my life in your asks and ruin your mood. I'm a second year? First year student? I'm not sure anymore. I had my first year final exams and got my results 2 days ago. I failed anatomy. Not by just a bit but by 18 marks. People who have not studied even a single day the whole year somehow passed. I was blaming the system, the checkers and what not but my mom kinda said that your failure is your fault more than anyone else's and she's not wrong. I always dreaded studying anatomy, I hated it cuz it was hard, maybe? Idk on the other hand i scored pretty good in biochemistry and physiology. I have a month roughly to prepare for my supplementry exams that are in February and if I pass I can rejoin my batch , I'll be with my friends again. But to study alone this month feels so difficult, fomo as my friends and classmates go to clinics and OT's constantly makes me anxious. My parents are very supportive, they were very positive and that I have gotten a chance to resolve my fear. My mental health is fluctuating so bad, a moment I'm so motivated that I can do it! And the next minute I'm in pits of sadness and dispair. Idk why im sharing all this but as a fellow in medical field I hope maybe i could have a word of encouragement or maybe a reality check. My friends believe hundred percent that I'll pass and I'm hopeful too but my anxiety does not rest. If I fail I'd have to repeat the year and be with my junior batch. Thank you for listening and I'm sorry again.

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I feel your pain!

Do you know how many times I failed anatomy? Well I won't say the exact number because that's frankly embarrassing, but I'm probably on some sort of list of "worst students to ever disgrace the halls of the anatomy department"... I failed anatomy and biochemistry and had to repeat first year. Then I failed anatomy and physiology and had to retake second year too... Shit happens.

Do you know why they say med school is hard? It's because it is damn hard. Most students will fail some exams here or there, some will fail more than just a few exams, and very few will pass all of theirs. (Even those who don't study and somehow seem to always pass? Even their luck runs out sometimes). Sometimes it's unfair, and sometimes it's our fault.

Your exam results has nothing to do with how good of a doctor you will become! It's just school, nothing more, nothing less. See me, I was so bad at med school, just terrible at it, and now that I'm a doctor, I might not be the best ever out there, but I'm good at my job.

I know this sucks now, it sucks to fail, and it sucks to study again when you could be doing something else. But it's just an exam, not the end of the world. You cry, then you dry your tears, sit back, and study as hard as you can.

And there is no guarantee you will pass the next time either, passing is never ever guaranteed! You just study and hope for the best. And if you fail again, you cry some more, then realise that maybe your "study as hard as you can" wasn't really your hardest, or you realise you aren't studying effectively and you need to find a way of studying that better suits you. We all have to learn how to study...

And sometimes you just say, fuck it, and pass purely out of spite.

Anyways. Don't compare yourself to others. You live your life, not theirs. And unfortunately, yours now includes some more exams and studying... Allow yourself some time to wallow in despair, you absolutely deserve that relief, but after that, give yourself a pep talk sweetheart and get back to studying. And do something fun, and have some treats! You deserve that too!

And hey? You can do this! I believe in you, anon, you absolutely got this. Just be patient with yourself :)

[undead-clown]

vent under

i wish i could violently chnage b4 school starts like other kids

what do you mean ur parents let you dye ur hair

what do you mean you were able to get a piercing

why are they able to change how they act so easily

i wanna be like them

the best i got is i started gauging my ears but i only got to go to a 16 so you can even tell, so i just took em out

but other kids can gauge em up as big as they want

i hate my parents

i wanna look cool

i see slideshows of people a few summers ago and now

and theyre so drastically differnt

i havent changed at all

im not ALLOWED to change

im not allowed to do anything cool

and dont get me started on the way i act

i act like a little kid

i act weirder online so that if we ever met they wouldnt be so off-put by me

im the worst and i envy everyone

i get told i look 9. ive 15. but everyone thinks im a lot younger

cuz of my face

i hate my face

i hate my hair

and if we're honest i hate my skin

i hate people not actually thinking im black cuz im so lightskin

i hate it

i wanna be someone else

i dont wanna be me

i hate me

i wish i was normal i want to be normal i yearn it

i wanna make friends irl and not scare them away or upset them

i hate everything and i dont wanna start school

i dont want everyone to see me

i just wanna hide forever and never leave

im not even allowed to cut my hair

i wasnt even allowed to get dreads but i was able to pressure my parents into it

i dont even like my hair anymore

i dont like the way i dress

i am upset and idk what to do

i dont wnana go to school and potentially get made fun of

or mess up in a class and the teacher not like me

i dont wanna go back

i hate it there

please dont make me do it again

i know people have it harder than me

i know i didnt do that bad in school

i know that

i know i am literally whining over nothing and i need to get over myself

i know that

i have it really easy i know

i just dont have anyone to talk to

i want my moirail

i need him so bad

he probably is tired of me venting tho

he says hes not but i just

and hes sleeping

i miss him

i wanna die already

my brothers already gone i might as well be too

im so tired of this

im so exhausted

being outside is getting more and more exhausting

school is gonna suck

[tojisun]

Sorry it turned into a depressing rant

Anon who asked about your fav studio ghibli movie here!

I love howls moving castle so much, I love the part when Sophie starts cleaning the house, I love how comforting it is

I love the sass from everyone, I love how kind Sophie is

I love howls line “I see no point in living if I can’t be beautiful” as much as it sucks I agree with him. I’m not smart so the only thing I can offer is my looks and personality to people I meet. If I’m not beautiful, then what’s the point? Sorry if it sounds shallow but when you have nothing to offer in this world, the only thing I can work on is how good I look and present myself. I know I shouldn’t think like that, it’s damaging

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, there will be people who find you attractive and there will be people who won’t. People you find attractive, others won’t, so sometimes I try not to think too much about it since we never know.

All my life I’ve been slow academically. My siblings are all smarter than me so I’m always the dumb one. I’m not skinny but I’m working on it, even tho it’s so hard, but I have to be skinny, my life will definitely turn around when I’m not too self conscious about my body. I know I’ll still have those negative thoughts and even after I’m skinny I won’t be happy but, as of now, I never leave the house, my anxiety about how I look keeps me from taking in person classes. I never want to leave the house unless I look good, because I don’t want anyone seeing me at my worst, I want everyone to see me as the best version of myself. So I never leave, my social skills have tanked since 2020 since that was the last time I took a in person class, and that was in high school 😭😭

I feel so immature and stupid, and people my age (19) are doing better than me. I just give up before I even try, and I’m so behind since I’m in my third year of college and I still don’t have an official major, I’m so behind, and last semester I didn’t take any classes cuz I was so depressed and embarrassed, since I failed two classes. It’s an horrible cycle of pity and dread and I’m scared I’ll never get rid of it. And I’m scared of talking to men, but I’m supposed to get married and have a kid before I’m 30 since you’re more fertile and it’s better to have kids young, and I’d love that but I’m scared my kids will turn out like me, disappointments. And I won’t know how to fix them.

So yeah… we veered off of howls moving castle.. my bad���

re:

!! this got long im so sorry

first of: pls dont apologize! u are welcome to vent here in my blog, im happy to just be a bouncing wall to u guys (if my usually long responses arent what u guys wanted to see). thank u for trusting me (us) with this and im truly sorry for how late im responding

i do love those parts of howls moving castle! i never understood why howl was lamenting about his looks when i thought he looked beautiful w orange hair. orange used to be my favourite colour ^v^ it isnt one rn but i am still fond of it.

i loved orange even when howl didnt – u are correct that beauty in the eye of the beholder. beauty also goes a long way. it’s a horrible reality but when u grew up fat, u get told so many times about how much better life would be if u could just lose weight. i truly cant tell u when i stopped thinking so little of myself.

honestly love, its just so recent when i felt good enough in my own skin – blemishes n all. i never thought itd get better tbh; i thought itd stay this way but it got better. and im scared to promise to you a range of when it will get better, but i do know that it will.

u feel immature bc u are still young! 19 is so young so pls dont punish urself for feeling young, for thinking young, for not knowing anything past being young yet. as a younger sibling, ik for a fact im still so immature. it took me getting a job (during the weekdays) n going to uni for me to mature up, n i was 20 when that happened. so recent!

i also completed my associates slowly bc i was struggling in college! i once took a sem where i only had one class bc i was so overwhelmed that i had to slowly pace myself so i can keep going. high school babies u n then boom, u get hit w juggling responsibilities in college that kinda makes u wanna quit – but u didnt. u took a break and then bounced back!! my love, if that isnt resilience, then what is?

ive never wanted to settle down. i think its bc i thought id be gone by now that i just dont see myself having a family of my own so i apologize for not knowing how to empathize about the ‘deadline’ but u are just 19. before age 30 is so far away! u have sm to live for in between those years. sm to experience and to meet and to love!

also, not having a major yet is also fine! i declared a minor just this year – and im a fourth year already. pls dont worry. u have time – that is something i wanna keep emphasizing. u have time. it feels like the world is collapsing rn bc of fear and anxiety which, my old therapist told me, is a sign that u (and i) wanna keep going. that u wanna keep living.

and from what i could see, especially coming from me who wanted to just give it all up, that is enough. i know that the reasons behind u working on urself isnt a sustainable mentality, but hopefully one day u will wake up and own ur hard work for urself. not for others.

aaaa this got too long im so sorry, im being emotional on my end but i just want u to know: u are not a disappointment. u arent.

ur alive and ur making connections and ur trying ur best (even though it doesnt feel like that on ur end but u are!!) so how could u be a disappointment? and even if u dont wanna do anything, ur also not a disappointment. not even then.

ur future kids will be so lucky and happy to have u as their mom. and they too will be beautiful; they wont need any fixing bc there isnt anything broken to fix.

i love you. i dont know who u are but i love you. i love all of you.

[mojavepumpkin]

1/5/24

First day without tiktok, I HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO DO STUFF!!!!! I got home today at 2:10 and it has felt so long between now and then. I think my next step will be deleting instagram off my phone, and placing a limit on how much time I can spend on reddit on my computer, because I did notice that I have been using my computer as a way to like subvert the time limits on my phone. AAAAnyway, started a book. well, restarted a book. (im not going to use capitalization anymore, too much effort.) A Farewell To Arms - don't know if i like it yet, but i like all of Hemingway's other stuff. got distracted when reading, ate a chicken breast.

today was interesting, it was really cold all day, which sucked. i work tomorrow, only day this week. i'm considering investing in a journal to keep with me just to jot stuff down with, but my handwriting is so bad and i'm such a fast typer i think it might just be better to write things here. im, not sure - open to input. also thinking of bringing around a secondary bag to school for all my stuff (book, wallet, keys, airpods, snack, sunglasses, chapstick) that doesnt fit in my bookbag. but do i wanna be the bag kid? the more i try to get off the internet the more i'm interested in carrying a ton of stuff around with me like a pack mule. maybe it adds to the intrigue?

i don't have a lot to write today. i had a good sandwich last night (turkey, pepperjack, lettuce, mayo, and mustard) and i might make it again tonight. i need to put diet cokes in the fridge - i am a fiend. i drink at least 2 a day. when i don't have work it's hard to figure out what time to go to bed because i basically don't get tired. maybe i need to switch to caffeine free diet coke?

even when i dont have anything in particular to write i still enjoy writing, i think it like. straightens all my thoughts out. im dreading public speaking tomorrow - and biology. for different reasons.

i wish i lived in a house with more conversation - i wish i knew how to have conversations with people who arent good or arent interested in conversation - i wish reaching out was easier. all things im thinking as im holed up in my room while there are two perfectly good people in my house i could be talking to - if they could get off their phones.

i need to take a shower; im a little hungry - i dont want tomorrow to come.

[homopathy69]

HIS ASS QUIET!!!!!

I will not disclose the reason for his anger

ughoaokwii i need to go to a fucking what is it called vocational college seminar and I DONT WANT TO IM NOT GOING TO VOCATIONAL COLLEGEE!!!!! Grrr!!!!!!..!!.!.!! I’m also so not getting into university theres just no way they’ll take me :P can a bro just chill 🍃 fr.,….,.,.,.i mean i got a bit over two years but come the fuck on I’m not making it and I don’t even need to. University only has one thing i want which is education but I can do without university to get education. Plus everyone’ll expect me to do something great after like jesus hermann christ mom I’m not gonna do groundbreaking discoveries in chemistry im sorry. I’ve pretty much abandoned all my plans by now because there’s nothing i can do except trying not to be a burden on society and do my part to make some people happy. I don’t want anything which is bad because i think you’re supposed to want something from life but it might be just cuz im ND and I don’t see myself in traditional work or work at all. I just want to frolic in the flower fields and be left alone until I am done baking but I’m afraid I’ll get burned to a crisp if i keep saying im not ready. I might go to italy for two weeks for a school thing which is great. I hope the weather is better than here.

Speaking of weather i was actually kinda counting on the fact that I wouldn’t even make it to spring but apparently life has a way of keeping me alive. I simply cannot fit a hospital stay nor death into my schedule. My schedule has plenty of empty space dont get me wrong but It’s because I’m a mentally exhausted little man and i need to ruminate in my sadness.

Im twitter posting again but tumblr is better for it because it actually lets me type an essay. Ughhoojqlal I don’t wanna go to my art classes tomorrow they both suck major ass. In the other one we’re using adobe illustrator and it’s just….. dreadful. The other one is a movie course which is fine but it’s very taxing for me. I just kinda wanna drop out but the law won’t allow it anymore. Which is good cuz id be dead without school :P

[orbees]

Complaining etc

=____= wish I knew why specifically I'm feeling so shitty I guess it's school stress catching up with me cause I've pretty much been like GO GO GO all this month not rly having enough time to recuperate. And I just gotta hang in there a little longer but I wanna Rest Now also the weather's always rly crazy this time of year and the constant hot cold changes keep agitating my fucked up bones and so my chronic pains been pretty bad this week

Also im pretty sure I caught something cause I ran out of masks & w/ the state randomly deciding to cut our food stamps we have literally no spare expenses rn it sucks so bad >_<

I'm also rly. Frustrated with my mom because okay. So I'm not walking for graduation cause shits expensive and so my mom told me she wants to have a party which I thought was rly sweet actually cause my parents usually don't give a shit about my school accomplishments but instead of having it at my grandmas place like I requested she just Ignored that and set it at my aunts place instead. So my shitty awful cousin will be there and so it's like awesome this party is ruined before it even began 👍its like now this gets to be something I actively dread <3

And idk when I'm struggling my brain likes to do this fun lil trick where it channels all that stress into self loathing I guess bc I can control me even if I can't control all that other shit but it doesn't help at all it just makes me feel shitty about myself when I'm already having a hard time. So I just am feeling really crappy about myself rn and it rly sucks

It'll all get better next week when I'm done with school I know but trying to get to that finish line has been Rough

[shatterthefragments]

.

Sitting in the car cannot be my third space I’m. Fuck.

There’s a lot more. But. I don’t want to be in the car.

I don’t even want to be at work *which is a job I enjoy most of the time* but hopefully. I still remain hopeful bc I don’t want to want to leave yet. There are SO MANY times that I’d rather be at work than at home or school.

I don’t want to go back to my previous job either (the owners keep joking to dad about getting me back)

I don’t want to go back to school full time. (Unfortunately this is the thing that’s most likely to make me super actively suicidal to the point I almost hospitalized myself again)

I don’t want to go home.

I kinda just. Dread everything.

Live in the moment yeah. But my moments suck. Exceptions are just when I get to chat with my friends.

I used to only live in my imagination and. This is probably *healthier* but I’m not sure I’m happier like this.

I feel like I’m being overdramatic bc I’ve been the happiest I’ve been in my life in the past few years.

And on the whole it’s true.

And that in itself is fucking depressing.

Who could I have been and what could I have done if I got treatment

What if there’s nothing wrong with me and this is just my entire being wrong bc I can’t handle anything

I don’t want to cry right now.

Im not done creating and making my friends smile (hopefully) yet.

But im. I’m not sure I can imagine a *feasible* future that I look forward to living.

Im the closest I can be right now because I get to do things and see friends.

But it’s fueled by guilt (I’m the eldest I should be taking care of the parents by now. Instead of helping and sorta taking care of mum but complaining and on the verge of a breakdown every time)

(I didn’t …I didn’t get those commercials at the time but fuck. A few screaming matches and I don’t feel bad about lying that I’m sorry to her. And. I think I get them now.)

I don’t want to go in. I don’t want to. I need to. I need to find something I probably need time to find the thing. I need to I NEED TO

…

I deserve a little bit of escapism if I submit my proposal.

I. I don’t fucking know.

Im just struggling.

And I know it’s our duty as young people to struggle or whatever the quote was

But could I. I thought I had grown past this.

It could just be that it’s dark and cold.

I just.

Im so excited for my next trip.

Get me oit of here.

I need a cuddle pile. I need to be strung up. I need I need I need

Can’t I stop fucking needing