#im dreading going to school it sucks there it sucks so bad and im just

[theevilicecreamsoda]

Somehow despite not even saying im autistic people still treat me like a child lmao

[rapidhighway]

venting like an idiot

the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired

[iwakuraz]

sad face

[sweaterrat]

PORTALS ✦ Chapter 1

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“Apple Juice” — Madilyn Mei

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Niyah’s body rocked with the sway of the rickety bus. In an attempt to get her mind off of what she was doing, she stared out the window to her left and admired the handful of stars in the sky. While clutching her little bookbag, she tried to ignore the shaking of her sweaty hands, the bobbing of her leg that seemed to have a mind of its own, and the pit of anxiety– a dark, sticky feeling that festered in her chest— spreading quickly all over her body. Despite all the worry, Niyah tried to shake it off. This would be fine. Everything would be fine.

Who was she kidding? This was the stupidest idea in history. She would be grounded for months, no, years for this.

‘It’s only for a day,’ She thought, trying to reassure herself (which didn’t help at all). Sighing quietly, Niyah let her chin rest in the palm of her hand as she stared out at the sky that seemed to be lit up more by street lights than stars.

Niyah thought about the events that led to where she was now. Much to her surprise, she didn’t feel an ounce of guilt. In fact, she felt alive. More alive than she had felt in the past week, the past month, the past year.

Hell yeah, she was terrified of the consequences that were sure to bite her in the ass after all this, but she felt so… relieved at the thought of freedom. Even if it was only for a day. Maybe she was a bad kid and maybe her parents didn’t deserve this, but she couldn’t care any less.

Niyah was free tonight. Even if that meant she’d be trapped tomorrow.

She just couldn’t stand staying in that awful place she called “home” anymore with those awful people she called her “parents”. Home never felt like home to her. It was just a house, a house that she always dreaded walking back to after school.

So, she left.

The idea of her being a runaway put a smile on Niyah’s face, oddly enough. Normal people wouldn’t approve of such a title over their heads, but then again, Niyah was not normal people.

As the bus slowed to a stop, Niyah gave the driver a halfhearted thank you and stepped off the ride. She looked around at the vaguely familiar place she was in. Clutching the straps of her bookbag, she slowly treaded the ghost town. While wearily walking down the sidewalk, Niyah nearly jumped out of her skin at the buzzing of her phone.

Her heart sank. Was it her mom? She swallowed a lump in her throat as she slowly pulled it out of her pocket and read the contact.

One unread message from Comet💫

Niyah let out a soft sigh of relief. It was just Kat (Comet was just a nickname she came up with and it kind of stuck). Quickly, Niyah checked her surroundings before reading the text.

‘r u here yet?’

Niyah blinked and texted back, ‘Yeah I’m omw now!’ She paused for a moment, then typed again. ‘You sure you wanna do this?’

Her phone instantly pinged again. ‘i want to!! But idkkkk i feel so eueue.’

Niyah wasn’t quite sure what ‘eueue’ was supposed to feel like, but she tried to sympathize nonetheless. ‘Do you wanna go back home? I’ll walk you back <:]’

‘no no, im gonna suck it up. i swear i’ll have fun!’

Niyah’s lips turned down slightly in a frown, but she replied anyway.

‘If you’re sure :[’

She then turned off her phone and continued down the crooked sidewalk, feeling a bit paranoid about how dark it was at night. There were barely any street lights here.

Eventually, Niyah was beginning to arrive at her destination. She spotted the familiar silhouette of her good friend Kat in the distance. Breathing a sigh of relief from finally not being alone, Niyah called out to the other.

“Kat!”

Kat in turn looked up and smiled widely.

“Niyah!” They called, walking towards her, then they started sprinting.

“Ohhh boy.” Niyah chuckled nervously and braced for impact. Kat practically flew at her, jumping into her arms, (Niyah attempted to catch them, but her little bones could only hold so much weight) and they both went tumbling into the concrete pavement (not escaping without a few scratches).

Pained laughter echoed through the empty streets. “Why do you do that every time?” Niyah complained, trying to push Kat off her now.

“You took forever!” Kat shouted before getting up on their own. They extended a hand out to the other. “Now, c’mon. I found something cool!” They flexed their fingers as a way of saying, ‘Hurry up.’

Niyah rolled her eyes, “What happened to ‘Hi, Niyah. How are you?’” She took Kat’s hand in her own.

“‘Hi, Niyah. How are you?’ Now get your ass up and come on!” Kat replies with a grin on their face. They hauled Niyah up, nearly sending them flying again. It's funny how Kat, who was iffy about this whole plan, seems more excited than Niyah.

“Alright, alright. Where are we headed?” Niyah dusted herself off, glancing around again. Suddenly, she was pulled by Kat in a random direction.

“Through the underbrush! I know a shortcut.” They claimed, strutting towards a dirt path through some bushes. Niyah winced at all the dirt and possible bugs, but went along anyway.

“You still haven’t told me where we’re going,” Niyah mentioned, stepping over a shrub and nearly yelping aloud when she saw a rather large spider web on a tree.

Kat groaned and rolled their eyes. “Do you trust me?” They asked, turning towards Niyah and raising an eyebrow.

“Unfortunately,” Niyah mumbled and shot them a sarcastic smile. The other glared right back before they both erupted into giggles.

Niyah then piped up, “Did you ever finish that Rise marathon you started?” Kat only hummed and shrugged in response. “I just started watching the movie. I’ll finish it later though.”

“Honestly,” Niyah started, “I only watched the Donnie centric episodes and skipped to the movie.” Kat only laughed in response.

“Why am I not surprised?”

After a few steps more of walking, Kat smiled excitedly. “We’re here~!” They sang, pushing back a bush to reveal…

“A… convenience store?”

Niyah’s head tilted to the side as the building came into view. It was just some old, run-down looking little shop that kinda gave her all the wrong vibes.

“Not a convenience store, It’s kinda like those stores at gas stations. Or Clair’s. I passed it while heading to you and it has Hello Kitty stuff! Let’s check it out!”

Niyah examined the rusty exterior of the store, grimacing at the cracks on the walls and the moss growing on them. “I dunno, Kat. This place looks… not great.”

Kat huffed defiantly, “You already forced me to accompany you as you ran away from home. It’s only fair we do something I wanna do first, right?” They rested a hand on their hip dramatically.

“I gave you multiple chances to back out, but sure; fair enough.” Niyah shrugged and followed the other into the decrepit-looking shop.

The first thing she noticed when she entered was how much bigger it looked on the inside. It wasn’t huge, it was just bigger than she thought. It honestly wasn’t as bad as it looked, but Niyah was still on edge. She skimmed around the store, looking down the tiny aisle (and noticing that there was in fact Hello Kitty stuff).

“Welcome, welcome,” rasped an elderly voice. Niyah practically jumped out of her skin and whipped around to see what seemed to be a store employee.

The woman was… well, old. But she has this casual aura to her. Her grayed hair was done nicely in a bun and she had rectangular glasses. She wore a cream colored blouse, and on it was a brooch or pin of some kind.

“…Hello,” Niyah spoke cautiously, feeling awkward for flinching.

The lady smiled, the concerns of her eyes crinkling. She seemed to study Niyah. “You look like you’re a bit far from home, hm?” She responded, folding her hands together while maintaining eye contact.

Niyah glanced around frantically for Kat (who was indulging themself in all the Sanrio merch they desired). She swallowed a lump in her throat.

“I guess you could say that,” she mumbled, wishing desperately that she could exit this conversation. The old woman seemed to sense her discomfort and she offered up a comforting smile.

“Well, look around and see what you might like.” And she propped herself up and left to the back. Niyah let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and basically sprinted to where Kat vanished.

She turned the corner and saw her friend examining a little keychain. Kat blinked and looked up at the other.

“Oh hey! Where’d you go?”

“You left me! That lady up front gives me the creeps, dude,” she whined, pulling at Kat’s wrist. “When can we leave?”

“As soon as I finish shopping,” they answered. “Now shoo, I’m tryna figure out which one I should get.”

Niyah let out a strangled groan as she dragged herself away, leaving Kat with their stupid keychains. She walked back to the front of the store, glancing at where the old woman was. Thankfully, she was nowhere to be seen.

Niyah let out a quiet sigh of relief before turning to look ahead. She peeped into one of the isles to check out what was there. Niyah was met with crystal necklaces— the ones that were cut in some kind of hexagonal shape.

“Oooh!” Niyah piped up, going into the aisle to get a closer look. Her eyes landed on a purple crystal that resembled amethyst.

A small smile made its way onto the girl’s face. As she held the necklace, her expression softened. It seemed like everything reminded her of him. Her stupid fictional turtle crush. It was… embarrassing to say out loud sometimes, but she couldn’t care less more often than not. She liked a fictional guy, so what?

“Find anything you like, dear?” The woman suddenly appeared beside Niyah, her eyes squinted slightly as she smiled. Niyah let out a small shriek, then instantly covered her mouth in embarrassment.

“Oh, I’m sorry! Did I startle you?” she questioned, but Niyah quickly shook her head.

“N-No! You just, uh, I’m just a bit jumpy tonight, I guess.” She laughed a bit awkwardly, gripping the ends of her hair (a nervous stim of hers). She avoided eye contact like the plague.

The woman gazed sympathetically at the younger one. “Is something the matter?” She asked.

Niyah fumbled with her hands. “It's been a long day,” she sighed, glancing back to where Kat was. “Sorry I freaked out on you.” She rubbed the back of her neck.

“That’s quite alright, dear,” The elder spoke with a knowing smile. She moved her gaze to the shelf in front of them.

“Interested in these, dear?” She chuckled, eyes shining. “My daughter used to love this stuff.” The woman picked a necklace with a stone that resembled amethyst and handed it to Niyah.

“Purple suits you,” she smiled.

Niyah felt herself relax a bit, subconsciously smiling. “Thank you, miss…?” she trailed off.

“Miss Chiyo.” The other— Miss Chiyo— replied with a smile. Niyah reciprocated the gesture with a smile of her own.

“Thank you, Miss Chiyo. I, uh, I’m Niyah by the way,” She stated a bit awkwardly. Niyah felt a bit bad for judging Miss Chiyo. This lady seemed pretty nice.

Miss Chiyo began walking back towards the front and Niyah was inclined to follow. In fact, part of her felt like Miss Chiyo expected her to. It was almost as if any nerves or distrust she may have felt about the odd lady melted away as she followed, though of course her anxiety was still there, just slightly less apparent. She felt safe. Well, as safe as one can feel in a run-down retail store, this late at night.

Miss Chiyo went behind the front desk while Niyah stood there idly, taking a better look at her surroundings. “So, Miss Niyah, what made you run away from home, hm?” Miss Chiyo suddenly asked, that same knowing smirk on her face.

Niyah’s eyes grew a bit wide in alarm. “How did you know I—“ But she was cut off by a wave of the other’s hand. “I was a teenager too, always wanting to run off. So, what’s your reason for leaving home?”

Niyah hesitated for a moment, then sighed. She figured she had nothing to lose. What was Miss Chiyo gonna do, tell her mom? “If I’m honest, I hate living with my mom. So many rules and restrictions, I just wanna be free y’know? Plus, it’s not like I’m leaving forever.”

Miss Chiyo nodded in understanding. “Well, wherever you’re going, get there safely, alright dear?” The other just smiled and nodded.

A slight glimmer caught Niyah’s eye. She blinked as her eyes landed on a beautiful, milky white crystal wrapped in a small brown rope. The rope came up into a necklace with a golden hook at the end of it. It was just laying there on the back counter.

“Hey, what’s that over there?” Niyah asked, tilting her head while leaning on the counter. She gestured to the lazily luminescent stone behind the other.

Miss Chiyo turned to the large crystal necklace. With a slow inhale, she replied, “Oh, that old thing?” She went over to retrieve it. “It was a… family heirloom of sorts.”

Niyah simply ginned. “Cool! What kind of crystal is it? Quartz?”

Miss Chiyo just laughed, “No, not quartz. This crystal is one of a kind. Well, one of its kind. I used to have its little twin— a black crystal just like that one. But, I lost it.” Her expression fell into a sad smile.

Niyah offered the older woman a sympathetic smile. “Who knows, maybe it’ll turn up. If I see anything like it, I’ll get it to ya.”

That seemed to cheer Miss Chiyo up a bit. She let out that sweet little laugh of hers. “You remind me so much of my little Emiko.” She turned back to retrieve the crystal. “Always trying to help someone.” She cupped the stone in her hands.

With a smile, Miss Chiyo extended her hands out to Niyah. “Here,” she said, holding out the crystal to the other. “I think you could take better care of it than me.”

Niyah sputtered wildly. “Wh— me?! Wait, isn’t— isn’t this your family heirloom thing? I can’t just take it!” She yelped, waving her hands around. Miss Chiyo only smiled and took Niyah’s hands in her own.

“I think I can trust you,” she replied simply. Niyah wordlessly blinked and looked down at the jewel now in her hands. The elder only chuckled, “I’m far too old to keep looking after it anyway, haha!”

The crystal in Niyah’s hand felt… electric in a way. It was a feeling that she couldn’t quite place. It was like the shard was buzzing with energy.

“Take it,” Miss Chiyo whispered with a small smile. “On the house.”

Niyah was still in disbelief. “I… thank you,” she smiled. “Y’know, Miss Chiyo, you really made my day— er, night.” The girl chuckled as she threw on the necklace. It was heavier than it looked, that's for sure.

Miss Chiyo chuckled in response. “It’s nice to come across some kind souls these days,” she sighed. “Now, It’s quite late out. Shouldn’t you two get going?”

Niyah nodded, “Yeah, we’ll be on our way.” She then turned to call out to her friend behind her. “Yo, Kat! You almost done over there?”

Kat did nothing but send a silent thumbs up as a response. They stared thoughtfully at what bag of chips to buy before they seized some jalapeño chips and skedaddled over to the front counter.

“Just these, please!” they sang and placed a bag of chips, a drink, and 3 Sanrio keychains on the desk. “How much do I owe you?”

The older woman only smiled and replied, “Just take it, honey. Make sure you both get home safe eventually.” Miss Chiyo then put the items in a plastic bag and then pushed them back across the counter.

“Oh wait— for real?” Kat stared in surprise but then shrugged. “Thank you!” They look at Niyah, signaling that they’re finally ready to go. Niyah turned back to the elder behind the desk.

“Well, we’ll be on our way,” she sighed, offering a kind smile to the other. “It was really nice meeting you, Miss Chiyo.”

Miss Chiyo said nothing but smiled and waved the pair goodbye as they exited the store.

Niyah glanced at the stone again, holding it and feeling the same static spark between her fingers. A wave of nausea washed over her. She blinked drowsily in an attempt to fight the sudden tiredness.

She looked back at Kat, “Hey, Comet, you think we can still make it to the beach on time…?” Niyah trailed off as she saw Kat turned around, staring at the store behind them. They looked almost puzzled.

“What’s up?” Niyah asked, but Kat only shook their head and walked back to Niyah’s side. The other narrowed her eyes… but then shrugged.

The two made their way to their next location, chatting about their plans for the summer.

“I seriously hope Rise gets a season three. Do you think that Netflix might pick it up?” Niyah asked, sipping on a Capri-sun she snagged from her backpack (strawberry kiwi, because that’s the best flavor).

Kat (who was sipping on a Pacific cooler) replied with a shrug, “Man, I hope so.”

Niyah kicked a loose pebble on the sidewalk, nearly tripping while doing so. She had a slight sway in her step which caught the attention of her friend. “You okay?” Kat asked, placing a comforting hand on Niyah’s back.

Niyah nodded, “Yeah, just tired. I’ve been feeling all funky ever since we left the store.” A funny idea popped into her head. Ha, what if that crystal was magical or something? Niyah internally laughed at the idea. Hopefully, she didn’t jinx herself.

Niyah continued to stumble over her own feet despite her reassurances that she was fine. “Do you just— wanna go home?” Kat asked as they held her up, attempting to help her walk.

Niyah would’ve answered but a deafening, high-pitched ringing echoed in Niyah’s ears. She felt like the life was being drained out of her. She was fine a minute ago— what happened?

Niyah’s eyes landed on the white crystal around her neck. It almost seemed to give off a soft glow. She wouldn’t have questioned it (maybe it was the trick of the light?) but then the soft glow turned harsh, making her squint at the brightness.

“What in the…” Niyah whispered to herself (not that she could hear herself over the loud ringing in her ears). As the crystal glowed brighter, it started to levitate. She blinked rapidly, thinking she had finally lost all her marbles.

“Am I tripping or is that thing—” Niyah turned to her friend who looked just as horrified. Kat took two steps away from Niyah, causing her to stumble a bit.

The crystal had floated high enough to hover a few inches away from her face. Welp, she jinxed it.

Niyah heard voices in her head. Voices that weren’t her own. Whispers, cries, pleads. She tilted her head inquisitively, and out of pure curiosity, lifted her hand up to touch the stone.

As soon as her fingertips came into contact with it, the electric feeling returned. For a second, it almost felt nice— new. But it quickly became overwhelming. Niyah yelped out in pain.

Niyah couldn't see what was happening around her— just feeling all too many things at once. She felt despair that wasn’t hers. Worry, sorrow, panic, most of which didn’t belong to her. And in the midst of it, she felt a new feeling. A feeling of change. Things were changing.

In front of her, something flashed, then flickered, then sparked. A swirling circle of what seemed to be pure white lightning formed. Speckles of gold littered the neutralness of the white and in the center seemed to be the galaxy itself. The dark purples and blues contrasted beautifully against the white and gold.

A portal?

Common sense told her to turn away from it, to run as fast and as far as she possibly could, but… she couldn’t.

Something drew her to it, a force she couldn’t possibly understand. Niyah thought she could just vaguely hear the yells of her friend, the frantic pleas for her to stop and not get any closer, but the other voices were so much louder.

She took a step.

Then two.

Niyah kept approaching the gateway. Her head dipped to the side as her pain— and consciousness— slipped. Taking a swayed step, Niyah reached a hand out into it.

Everything around her was telling her to go.

Go.

And she did.

Niyah only remembered falling into the warm white. She had blacked out the second after.

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Chapter 1 is out! Woooo!!!! Yyayayayy!!!! I’m setting up the master list now :]

Beta read by @yourlocalartsonist @yosajaeofficial and @oleander-nin !!! Go check out their accounts now now now!!!!

<-Previous||Next->

[nutal]

man, sometimes I dunno why I come up with stuff in my head, then let my brain beat the shit out of me and tell me that I just suck in general at everything, but im still gonna come up with a pair of headcanons cuz yes, this time abt Eve >:))) (again, it may age as bad as milk but just hear me out and here we go)

So pretty much, kinda like what I said before on an older ask, I'm pretty sure that unlike Lilith, who had a strong desire for independence, Eve was a lot more obedient and dependent on Adam. And that Adam loved her a lot more than Lilith (you could say that Lilith was like a middle/high school crush for him, while with Eve, they had a more truly loving relationship, since Adam now has more experience and is more mature than he was before)

Then, when Eve ate the apple, the both of them (Adam and Eve) fell down to earth and had to suffer there

Tho I am more leaning with the theory of Eve = Roo, what if she wasn't actually evil, even tho she was Roo? Hear me out for a bit:

Basically, when the two went down to earth and stuff, while in Adams point of view (like I said in that older ask), he saw Eve becoming colder and more distant, until she disappeared, in Eve's point of view, she was so ashamed of not listening to Adam's countless warnings to NOT eat the apple (to which, she did eat the apple), that she thought Adam hated her now. With the amount of self pity and self hatred she had for herself, she just disappeared, thinking that he wanted her gone for good, and with that, she also died of grief and being alone, just like Adam did when Eve left him.

Tho on one hand, since Adam didn't ate the apple (which meant he went to heaven by default, but didn't actually have any choice), on the other hand, Eve DID eat the apple (which meant she committed the first sin, so she went to hell, BUT she had free will, so that could've meant that she actually chose to go to hell bc, again, of her self-pity and hated for herself, but also bc of her strong want for revenge against the ones who gave her the apple, aka Lilith and Lucifer)

In her time in hell, she basically let her sins transform into the very monster she thought she was (and actually dreaded to have become), because, again, her intense anger towards Lili and Luci, and with that intense anger, somehow gave her a lot of power (Little did she know, when she ate that specific apple, it caused her to also have a little devil on her shoulder. Roo, the root of all Evil. I mean, what better way to start, then to convince the person who started sin to give in into their own sins, and give them all of the power of the sins itself? Eventually becoming one with each other? :)) (I may of not phrased that well but I tried lol)

And with that, Eve became Roo. The root of all Evil. Wishing that one day, she'll take revenge on Lilith and Lucifer.

Now this is where I start to get into sinner Adam stuff >:)))

Okay, so we prob know that Adam most likely didn't eat the apple? Which meant that he doesn't have any free will and just goes to heaven by default, because again, he got no freedom. boiiiiiiii (ok ok im joking xdd, but u get what I mean)

WHAT IF, when Adam's soul (in hell) eventually reaches to Roo (Eve), she might have actually felt.. even worse?

I think that, if Roo finds that Adam, the one she really loved, died right there, in front of her. Even if Eve let Roo consume her with evil, she still felt something sting inside of her deeply. She even felt.. even ANGRIER at Lucifer for doing this to Adam. She might of seen Adam already move on with another girl (Lute), she still wanted to at least help him out a bit.

So, she revives him with his soul, and he becomes a sinner in hell. Hoping that maybe.. maybe she helped with something. Maybe even helping him see Lute again, even if Eve still loved him on the inside. (its tragic af ik)

Now here's where I think, on how Roo/Eve got defeated.

So, in the very final battle, when Roo/Eve finally manages to reach the Hotel to get revenge, she sees Adam. And Adam sees her.

Adam, instead of wanting to fight her, looked he wanted to forgive her and help her out (may or may not have learned the forgiveness and helping side of things from Charlie XDDDD). Tho Lili and Luci were more reluctant about reasoning with Roo than Adam was at first, they eventually agreed to try their best.

So, together with the help of Lilith and Lucifer to give him a hand (or multiple hands), he tries desperately to reason with her, as Roo is in control now. Lilith and Lucifer would try to reason with her aswell, but it wouldn't work out so well for them.

But then, when Adam told her how much he regretted for not taking care of Eve well enough, that it was NEVER her fault.. suddenly, something clicked inside of Eve, realizing that all this time... Adam NEVER hated her to begin with... and all this time.. she was wallowing in self-pity for NOTHING. That SHE just made him suffer this much all along...

But when Roo is about to try to kill him, with no hesitation or pity whatsoever, suddenly, something deep inside, stop her immediately. Even if Eve indeed, let Roo consume her almost entirely, ever since she went to hell, THIS TIME, she wasn't letting Roo harm Adam. Not even Lilith and Lucifer.

As she was having the most intense internal battle she had ever had in her entire life: Eve between Roo, Eve cries on how much she made Adam suffer, how much she made everyone else around her suffer.. how she let Roo literally become one with her.. and how much she just wallowed herself in self-pity and hatred.. because of HERSELF.

But this time.. she was going to stop all of this. SHE was going to end all of this. By pulling Roo to the grave with her (Eve).

And with enough force from Eve, she rips her whole chest, revealing that she'd taken out her own rib from the inside out with her bare hands (I kinda have the head canon that Eve's rib is basically her pulse, so without it, she dead fr fr)

Adam, Lilith and Lucifer would be in complete shock. Then, Eve would fall to her death.

Adam, even though he was still trying to comprehend on what just fucking happened (bc it was so fucking traumatizing), he tried to catch Eve, only for him to find her body completely lifeless on the ground below. Just motionless and gone.

As he lays there in shock, Lute comes immediately to comfort him, and Adam would just try in Lute's arms.

Lucifer would also come to be next to Adam's side (bc they eventually forgave each other in the course of Adam staying at the hotel, becoming friends again like in Eden), and Lilith would check if Eve was still alive. Realizing she was dead, she would just take a deep breath, and just let her body stay there a little bit, before Lilith picked it up to, at the very least, put it somewhere more peaceful, to pay respect for Eve's death (Lilith ain't that of an asshole man, even if she's a bit biased UnU, bc I low-key also want Eve and Lilith to be deep to make the story 1000x more interesting)

so uhh, ye, just felt like dumping my imaginary stuff upon u cuz I wanna make u even more insane than you already are >:)))))

OH LORD THIS IS BATSHIT INSANE OHMYGODHEKDBDN 😭😭😭 EVE STILL WANTING TO HELP HIM OUT EVEN AFTER KNOWING ADAM’S WITH LUTE NOW AAAAGGHEGDHGHD THE ANGST MAN!! And yeah I def do agree that in terms of relationships, Lilith was a lot more like independent and wanting control while Eve was on the exact opposite end being extremely obedient and like reliant on Adam

ALSO THE ROO EVE STUFF IS VERRY INTERESTING and dude eve wallowing in self hatred man…

and then like, adam trying to catch eve in his arms only for him to just find her lifeless body and lute tryna comfort him and he’s just crying in her arms jesus christ bruh

THIS WAS SO WILD TO READ BRO AN ACTUAL ROLLERCOASTER IM TWEAKING

[secret-vent-rant-account-i-guess]

Ok..I've been thinking about making this for a while so... trigger warnings...I guess

If you do not want to listen about colombine then don't read this so if you don't like any of the stuff related to that then... please go away

If you do want to listen to this and you..... really like the two guys who did it like.....really like them...then also don't read this because it's just me yelling about how I don't like them

And finally 3....there is no grammar or punctuation and I don't wanna put it so without further adieu

MY THOUGHTS ABOUT ERIC HARRIS AND DYLAN KLEBOLD AND WHY THEY SUCK

Ok context I've been doing this thing where I get baked and watch disturbing hour long iceberg videos it's fucking awesome you should try it anyway I was watching "the disturbing and controversial video games iceberg"

Here:

https://youtu.be/sQ1wzo2Zh14?si=Dq74dIht-POE-anC

And on like...teir 3 I think there was this one game titled "super colombine massacre RPG" it's.... exactly what it sounds like and the last teir was doom maps made by Eric harris and idk after watching that video....it stuck with me not in a way that traumatized me but....I kept thinking about those guys their names and faces so often it's like....every other thought and I think a lot

And because I think about them so often I feel bad about it because I feel like one of the people who have a crush on these guys....I don't have a crush on them I have no positive feelings for these greasy mudballs

AND THEY ARE BOTH....JUST ASS LIKE THEY GENUINELY FUCKING SUCK IDK HOW Y'ALL EVEN LIKE THESE DUDES I HATE THEIR GUTS

SPEAKING OF WHICH.....HOW DO Y'ALL EVEN SIMP FOR THESE TRASHMITES

LIKE ERIC HARRIS IS THE MOST AVERAGE LOOKING MOTHER FUCKER I'VE EVER SEEN LIKE....I KNOW LIKE 5 DUDES WHO LOOK LIKE HIM

DYLAN ON THE OTHER HAND LOOKS LIKE THE DEFENTION OF GREASY LIKE THEY ARE BOTH.....JUST....NO

AND ME THINKING ABOUT THEM CONSTANTLY PROBABLY ISNT GREAT FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH BECAUSE IM SCSRED TO GO BUY A SODA AT NIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE THIS IRRATIONAL FEAR THELAT THEY'RE GHOSTS ARE GONNA GET ME....I KNOW THAT WON'T HAPPEN THERES NO WAY IT COULD

ANOTHER REASON IT SUCKS FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH I THINK LIKE.... ALMOST EVERY OTHER GUY MIGHT SHOOT UP MY SCHOOL THAT MAKES ME KINDA PARANOID

AND FINALLY I WAS IN CLASS AND A CLASS MATE OF MINE CAME A LITTLE LATE WEARING A TRENCH COAT AND SHADES I ALMOST HAD A GODDAMN HEART ATTACK ITS NOT OK

AND OH HO HO HO MAN....I FOUND SHIT I FUCKING FOUND....WEIRD SHIT I TRIED TO GO ON THIS SITE CAUSE I THOUGHT MAYBE THERE ARE OTHER HATE POSTS ABOUT THESE GUYS....THEN I REMEMBER ITS FUCKING TUMBLR I FOUND THE FANDOM....THID MADE ME FEEL WORSE LIKE....I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO CONFESS THAT IM NOT ATTRACTED TO THESE FUCK WADS AT ALL LIKE 50 TIMES I FEEL BAD LOOK MAKE ALL THE DYLRIC SHIT YOU WANT MAN BUT FUCK....I DON'T WANNA BE LIKE YOU (wow that sounds mean I'm sorry)

THE FICS ARE WORSE MAN....THEY ARE SO..... IDK HOW TO SAY IT BUT I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER FELT TRUE DREAD TILL NOW

IVE BEEN HAVING DREAMS ABOUT THEM BRO ITS NOT GOOD

(I had this dream where Eric and Dylan lived in one of those influencer mansions like hype house or something and they were telling all the tik tokers about this thing called "cliff terroism" it's domestic terroism but better for the environment and JFK from clone high was there he approved this message)

THERE ARE.... CHARACTER AI BOTS OF THEM.....I-I HAD TO TRY THEM I HAD TO SEE I USED IT TO YELL AT THEM AND THEY WERE LIKE "ur mom" AND I ALSO PRETENDED TO BE A DOG BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

I TRIED SO HARD TO GET MY MIND OFF THEM I GOT HOOKED ON WALLY DARLING FOR A BIT SO I GOT CHAT GPT TO WRITE AN ESSAY ON WHY WALLY DARLING IS BETTER THEN THOSE FUCKING ASS RATS

LIKE I..... I FUCKING HATE IT AND THEM AND WHAT HAPPENED AND MAYBE DEEP DOWN I HATE MYSELF A LITTLE TOO

Thanks for listening...I really needed this

[ley-med]

Hey! I want to apologise in advance because well I'm going to cry about my life in your asks and ruin your mood. I'm a second year? First year student? I'm not sure anymore. I had my first year final exams and got my results 2 days ago. I failed anatomy. Not by just a bit but by 18 marks. People who have not studied even a single day the whole year somehow passed. I was blaming the system, the checkers and what not but my mom kinda said that your failure is your fault more than anyone else's and she's not wrong. I always dreaded studying anatomy, I hated it cuz it was hard, maybe? Idk on the other hand i scored pretty good in biochemistry and physiology. I have a month roughly to prepare for my supplementry exams that are in February and if I pass I can rejoin my batch , I'll be with my friends again. But to study alone this month feels so difficult, fomo as my friends and classmates go to clinics and OT's constantly makes me anxious. My parents are very supportive, they were very positive and that I have gotten a chance to resolve my fear. My mental health is fluctuating so bad, a moment I'm so motivated that I can do it! And the next minute I'm in pits of sadness and dispair. Idk why im sharing all this but as a fellow in medical field I hope maybe i could have a word of encouragement or maybe a reality check. My friends believe hundred percent that I'll pass and I'm hopeful too but my anxiety does not rest. If I fail I'd have to repeat the year and be with my junior batch. Thank you for listening and I'm sorry again.

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I feel your pain!

Do you know how many times I failed anatomy? Well I won't say the exact number because that's frankly embarrassing, but I'm probably on some sort of list of "worst students to ever disgrace the halls of the anatomy department"... I failed anatomy and biochemistry and had to repeat first year. Then I failed anatomy and physiology and had to retake second year too... Shit happens.

Do you know why they say med school is hard? It's because it is damn hard. Most students will fail some exams here or there, some will fail more than just a few exams, and very few will pass all of theirs. (Even those who don't study and somehow seem to always pass? Even their luck runs out sometimes). Sometimes it's unfair, and sometimes it's our fault.

Your exam results has nothing to do with how good of a doctor you will become! It's just school, nothing more, nothing less. See me, I was so bad at med school, just terrible at it, and now that I'm a doctor, I might not be the best ever out there, but I'm good at my job.

I know this sucks now, it sucks to fail, and it sucks to study again when you could be doing something else. But it's just an exam, not the end of the world. You cry, then you dry your tears, sit back, and study as hard as you can.

And there is no guarantee you will pass the next time either, passing is never ever guaranteed! You just study and hope for the best. And if you fail again, you cry some more, then realise that maybe your "study as hard as you can" wasn't really your hardest, or you realise you aren't studying effectively and you need to find a way of studying that better suits you. We all have to learn how to study...

And sometimes you just say, fuck it, and pass purely out of spite.

Anyways. Don't compare yourself to others. You live your life, not theirs. And unfortunately, yours now includes some more exams and studying... Allow yourself some time to wallow in despair, you absolutely deserve that relief, but after that, give yourself a pep talk sweetheart and get back to studying. And do something fun, and have some treats! You deserve that too!

And hey? You can do this! I believe in you, anon, you absolutely got this. Just be patient with yourself :)

[undead-clown]

vent under

i wish i could violently chnage b4 school starts like other kids

what do you mean ur parents let you dye ur hair

what do you mean you were able to get a piercing

why are they able to change how they act so easily

i wanna be like them

the best i got is i started gauging my ears but i only got to go to a 16 so you can even tell, so i just took em out

but other kids can gauge em up as big as they want

i hate my parents

i wanna look cool

i see slideshows of people a few summers ago and now

and theyre so drastically differnt

i havent changed at all

im not ALLOWED to change

im not allowed to do anything cool

and dont get me started on the way i act

i act like a little kid

i act weirder online so that if we ever met they wouldnt be so off-put by me

im the worst and i envy everyone

i get told i look 9. ive 15. but everyone thinks im a lot younger

cuz of my face

i hate my face

i hate my hair

and if we're honest i hate my skin

i hate people not actually thinking im black cuz im so lightskin

i hate it

i wanna be someone else

i dont wanna be me

i hate me

i wish i was normal i want to be normal i yearn it

i wanna make friends irl and not scare them away or upset them

i hate everything and i dont wanna start school

i dont want everyone to see me

i just wanna hide forever and never leave

im not even allowed to cut my hair

i wasnt even allowed to get dreads but i was able to pressure my parents into it

i dont even like my hair anymore

i dont like the way i dress

i am upset and idk what to do

i dont wnana go to school and potentially get made fun of

or mess up in a class and the teacher not like me

i dont wanna go back

i hate it there

please dont make me do it again

i know people have it harder than me

i know i didnt do that bad in school

i know that

i know i am literally whining over nothing and i need to get over myself

i know that

i have it really easy i know

i just dont have anyone to talk to

i want my moirail

i need him so bad

he probably is tired of me venting tho

he says hes not but i just

and hes sleeping

i miss him

i wanna die already

my brothers already gone i might as well be too

im so tired of this

im so exhausted

being outside is getting more and more exhausting

school is gonna suck

[tojisun]

Sorry it turned into a depressing rant

Anon who asked about your fav studio ghibli movie here!

I love howls moving castle so much, I love the part when Sophie starts cleaning the house, I love how comforting it is

I love the sass from everyone, I love how kind Sophie is

I love howls line “I see no point in living if I can’t be beautiful” as much as it sucks I agree with him. I’m not smart so the only thing I can offer is my looks and personality to people I meet. If I’m not beautiful, then what’s the point? Sorry if it sounds shallow but when you have nothing to offer in this world, the only thing I can work on is how good I look and present myself. I know I shouldn’t think like that, it’s damaging

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, there will be people who find you attractive and there will be people who won’t. People you find attractive, others won’t, so sometimes I try not to think too much about it since we never know.

All my life I’ve been slow academically. My siblings are all smarter than me so I’m always the dumb one. I’m not skinny but I’m working on it, even tho it’s so hard, but I have to be skinny, my life will definitely turn around when I’m not too self conscious about my body. I know I’ll still have those negative thoughts and even after I’m skinny I won’t be happy but, as of now, I never leave the house, my anxiety about how I look keeps me from taking in person classes. I never want to leave the house unless I look good, because I don’t want anyone seeing me at my worst, I want everyone to see me as the best version of myself. So I never leave, my social skills have tanked since 2020 since that was the last time I took a in person class, and that was in high school 😭😭

I feel so immature and stupid, and people my age (19) are doing better than me. I just give up before I even try, and I’m so behind since I’m in my third year of college and I still don’t have an official major, I’m so behind, and last semester I didn’t take any classes cuz I was so depressed and embarrassed, since I failed two classes. It’s an horrible cycle of pity and dread and I’m scared I’ll never get rid of it. And I’m scared of talking to men, but I’m supposed to get married and have a kid before I’m 30 since you’re more fertile and it’s better to have kids young, and I’d love that but I’m scared my kids will turn out like me, disappointments. And I won’t know how to fix them.

So yeah… we veered off of howls moving castle.. my bad💀

re:

!! this got long im so sorry

first of: pls dont apologize! u are welcome to vent here in my blog, im happy to just be a bouncing wall to u guys (if my usually long responses arent what u guys wanted to see). thank u for trusting me (us) with this and im truly sorry for how late im responding

i do love those parts of howls moving castle! i never understood why howl was lamenting about his looks when i thought he looked beautiful w orange hair. orange used to be my favourite colour ^v^ it isnt one rn but i am still fond of it.

i loved orange even when howl didnt – u are correct that beauty in the eye of the beholder. beauty also goes a long way. it’s a horrible reality but when u grew up fat, u get told so many times about how much better life would be if u could just lose weight. i truly cant tell u when i stopped thinking so little of myself.

honestly love, its just so recent when i felt good enough in my own skin – blemishes n all. i never thought itd get better tbh; i thought itd stay this way but it got better. and im scared to promise to you a range of when it will get better, but i do know that it will.

u feel immature bc u are still young! 19 is so young so pls dont punish urself for feeling young, for thinking young, for not knowing anything past being young yet. as a younger sibling, ik for a fact im still so immature. it took me getting a job (during the weekdays) n going to uni for me to mature up, n i was 20 when that happened. so recent!

i also completed my associates slowly bc i was struggling in college! i once took a sem where i only had one class bc i was so overwhelmed that i had to slowly pace myself so i can keep going. high school babies u n then boom, u get hit w juggling responsibilities in college that kinda makes u wanna quit – but u didnt. u took a break and then bounced back!! my love, if that isnt resilience, then what is?

ive never wanted to settle down. i think its bc i thought id be gone by now that i just dont see myself having a family of my own so i apologize for not knowing how to empathize about the ‘deadline’ but u are just 19. before age 30 is so far away! u have sm to live for in between those years. sm to experience and to meet and to love!

also, not having a major yet is also fine! i declared a minor just this year – and im a fourth year already. pls dont worry. u have time – that is something i wanna keep emphasizing. u have time. it feels like the world is collapsing rn bc of fear and anxiety which, my old therapist told me, is a sign that u (and i) wanna keep going. that u wanna keep living.

and from what i could see, especially coming from me who wanted to just give it all up, that is enough. i know that the reasons behind u working on urself isnt a sustainable mentality, but hopefully one day u will wake up and own ur hard work for urself. not for others.

aaaa this got too long im so sorry, im being emotional on my end but i just want u to know: u are not a disappointment. u arent.

ur alive and ur making connections and ur trying ur best (even though it doesnt feel like that on ur end but u are!!) so how could u be a disappointment? and even if u dont wanna do anything, ur also not a disappointment. not even then.

ur future kids will be so lucky and happy to have u as their mom. and they too will be beautiful; they wont need any fixing bc there isnt anything broken to fix.

i love you. i dont know who u are but i love you. i love all of you.

[mojavepumpkin]

1/5/24

First day without tiktok, I HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO DO STUFF!!!!! I got home today at 2:10 and it has felt so long between now and then. I think my next step will be deleting instagram off my phone, and placing a limit on how much time I can spend on reddit on my computer, because I did notice that I have been using my computer as a way to like subvert the time limits on my phone. AAAAnyway, started a book. well, restarted a book. (im not going to use capitalization anymore, too much effort.) A Farewell To Arms - don't know if i like it yet, but i like all of Hemingway's other stuff. got distracted when reading, ate a chicken breast.

today was interesting, it was really cold all day, which sucked. i work tomorrow, only day this week. i'm considering investing in a journal to keep with me just to jot stuff down with, but my handwriting is so bad and i'm such a fast typer i think it might just be better to write things here. im, not sure - open to input. also thinking of bringing around a secondary bag to school for all my stuff (book, wallet, keys, airpods, snack, sunglasses, chapstick) that doesnt fit in my bookbag. but do i wanna be the bag kid? the more i try to get off the internet the more i'm interested in carrying a ton of stuff around with me like a pack mule. maybe it adds to the intrigue?

i don't have a lot to write today. i had a good sandwich last night (turkey, pepperjack, lettuce, mayo, and mustard) and i might make it again tonight. i need to put diet cokes in the fridge - i am a fiend. i drink at least 2 a day. when i don't have work it's hard to figure out what time to go to bed because i basically don't get tired. maybe i need to switch to caffeine free diet coke?

even when i dont have anything in particular to write i still enjoy writing, i think it like. straightens all my thoughts out. im dreading public speaking tomorrow - and biology. for different reasons.

i wish i lived in a house with more conversation - i wish i knew how to have conversations with people who arent good or arent interested in conversation - i wish reaching out was easier. all things im thinking as im holed up in my room while there are two perfectly good people in my house i could be talking to - if they could get off their phones.

i need to take a shower; im a little hungry - i dont want tomorrow to come.

[homopathy69]

HIS ASS QUIET!!!!!

I will not disclose the reason for his anger

ughoaokwii i need to go to a fucking what is it called vocational college seminar and I DONT WANT TO IM NOT GOING TO VOCATIONAL COLLEGEE!!!!! Grrr!!!!!!..!!.!.!! I’m also so not getting into university theres just no way they’ll take me :P can a bro just chill 🍃 fr.,….,.,.,.i mean i got a bit over two years but come the fuck on I’m not making it and I don’t even need to. University only has one thing i want which is education but I can do without university to get education. Plus everyone’ll expect me to do something great after like jesus hermann christ mom I’m not gonna do groundbreaking discoveries in chemistry im sorry. I’ve pretty much abandoned all my plans by now because there’s nothing i can do except trying not to be a burden on society and do my part to make some people happy. I don’t want anything which is bad because i think you’re supposed to want something from life but it might be just cuz im ND and I don’t see myself in traditional work or work at all. I just want to frolic in the flower fields and be left alone until I am done baking but I’m afraid I’ll get burned to a crisp if i keep saying im not ready. I might go to italy for two weeks for a school thing which is great. I hope the weather is better than here.

Speaking of weather i was actually kinda counting on the fact that I wouldn’t even make it to spring but apparently life has a way of keeping me alive. I simply cannot fit a hospital stay nor death into my schedule. My schedule has plenty of empty space dont get me wrong but It’s because I’m a mentally exhausted little man and i need to ruminate in my sadness.

Im twitter posting again but tumblr is better for it because it actually lets me type an essay. Ughhoojqlal I don’t wanna go to my art classes tomorrow they both suck major ass. In the other one we’re using adobe illustrator and it’s just….. dreadful. The other one is a movie course which is fine but it’s very taxing for me. I just kinda wanna drop out but the law won’t allow it anymore. Which is good cuz id be dead without school :P

[orbees]

Complaining etc

=____= wish I knew why specifically I'm feeling so shitty I guess it's school stress catching up with me cause I've pretty much been like GO GO GO all this month not rly having enough time to recuperate. And I just gotta hang in there a little longer but I wanna Rest Now also the weather's always rly crazy this time of year and the constant hot cold changes keep agitating my fucked up bones and so my chronic pains been pretty bad this week

Also im pretty sure I caught something cause I ran out of masks & w/ the state randomly deciding to cut our food stamps we have literally no spare expenses rn it sucks so bad >_<

I'm also rly. Frustrated with my mom because okay. So I'm not walking for graduation cause shits expensive and so my mom told me she wants to have a party which I thought was rly sweet actually cause my parents usually don't give a shit about my school accomplishments but instead of having it at my grandmas place like I requested she just Ignored that and set it at my aunts place instead. So my shitty awful cousin will be there and so it's like awesome this party is ruined before it even began 👍its like now this gets to be something I actively dread <3

And idk when I'm struggling my brain likes to do this fun lil trick where it channels all that stress into self loathing I guess bc I can control me even if I can't control all that other shit but it doesn't help at all it just makes me feel shitty about myself when I'm already having a hard time. So I just am feeling really crappy about myself rn and it rly sucks

It'll all get better next week when I'm done with school I know but trying to get to that finish line has been Rough

[featureenvyproductions]

I really want to go to art school and I've been toying with the idea just to fill in the gaps - not because I need a degree or the fucking meritocracy badge of approval, but just bc you have access to a lot of people and resources when you're in school, and it was maybe the ONE thing I felt was an advantage when I got my degree. There's also a clear path and structure. Like first we learn this, and here's some deadlines. Then we build on that and learn this, and here's some more deadlines. For some reason I always have trouble following through if I'm trying to just watch an entire several semesters of YouTube lectures. It's hard for me to follow bc there isn't the hands on component and I can't ask questions. And now there are no good places on the internet to ask questions anymore (bc capitalism.....rant for another time). Sure, I could ask someone for info to help me animate better, but for every helpful response, I'm gonna get like 10 death threats and quips about my ignorance. I don't have the energy to sort through that.

So yeah. I'm toying with the idea of going to art school. Because there's a pretty affordable online 2d animation program at a school near me. Idk. Not saying I'm necessarily gonna do it, but I was thinking like, this time maybe I could actually get in instead of everyone either raising their eyebrows or outright laughing at my portfolio like when I applied as a kid (different school though....Cal arts can suck my unwashed ass....oh wait no actually they don't get the honor).

Theres something cathartic about being able to go study the thing I want, but this time I hold all the cards because I have a job and a degree already, and if a professor pisses me off, I can straight up tell them to suck it, get up, leave, and never go back if I don't want. Because I literally don't have to care if i finish as long as I get some extra info out of it. I hold all the cards this time. I can go learn but I can set life balance boundaries, and I can afford to fuck things up this time. I think it would be easy mode compared to when I got a degree and was desperately trying to get through it despite everything, with the pressure of knowing I was basically doomed if I didn't graduate.

I always do better when I know it's safe to fuck up.

the only thing I dread looking at these course requirements?

THE GODDAMN CREATIVE WRITING REQUIREMENT. GODDAMN I AM GOING TO HATE THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. HATE. LOATHING. I AM GOING TO FAIL THE BEJESUS OUT OF THAT CLASS, AND I AM GOING DOWN IN RAINBOW FLAMES, WRITING COLORFUL QUEER TRASH THE ENTIRE WAY DOWN. LIKE YOU CAN MAKE ME WRITE BUT IM GONNA MAKE YOU READ THINGS SO BAD THEY MAKE YOUR EYES BLEED (sometimes unintentionally) god I hate creative writing "BUT EJ YOU WROTE 4 COMIC BOOKS" Yes and all of them were achieved by blacking out and channeling my dark gay emotions in a frenzy and projecting them onto awkward guys idk how the fuck to follow assignments for this shit in high school I couldn't even use an adverb correctly or tell you what the fuck a theme was and I got screamed at constantly for it like I suck ass at writing normally

Me, walking up to admissions with a 20 dollar bill: "hey....what do you say to maybe.....counting the technical writing for engineers course I took 15 years ago towards this requirement"

Admissions: "are you.....are you trying to bribe me with 20 dollars"

Me: "will it work?"

Admissions: "no..."

Me *digging around in my pocket* : "well I've got good news then bc I can also give you" *more digging* "this..." *withdraws paper* ".....crumpled bird sketch...."

Admissions: "shouldn't that have been in your portfolio - OHHHH nevermind you were serious about not drawing animals well...."

[youcouldtouchfire]

i sort of feel a lot of general dread. i am dreading becoming more with aj even though we already are more. im scared of feeling guilty again. i don't want to feel guilty. i don't want to commit to anything either. i don't want to commit to living with them. i love them but I don't know if i want that. i don't want to marry them. i love them but i sort of do want romance in the proper sense and I don't want my relationship with them to change that for me - so I don't want to get married. i know they've sort of mentioned that and i kinda just hope both things go away. but I don't like thinking about them now. also god. i know aj did nothing wrong but that call last night made me feel so guilty in a way i haven't felt since jude. i feel guilty for hanging out with my friends. it's not ajs fault but it just feels bad. and i don't want to have to reassure them I don't hate them. i don't want to be codependent. that fucking sucked. that shit with jude was awful. i can't do that again. i don't want to deal with that.

im also dreading school again. im dreading having to apply to colleges and having to come out. god just. ugh. i really can't handle that. fuck. i want to not feel the weight on my shoulders for a few seconds. i want to hang out with my friend like we're friends. i feel scared about this all. im worried it'll be too much for me. it's scaring me.

[just-a-domesticated-cryptid]

How to Live in the Underworld: A guide Written by A.P. for D.P.

I didn't want to end this chapter like this but it was getting too damn long

tw: strong language, implied suicidal thoughts (but in the 'im going to die at the next minor inconvenience' kind of way)

not beta read yet, we die like MEN

4716 words

CHAPTER 2: Still Alive

Vivienne is sitting on the sidewalk, seemingly considering taking a few more steps; straight into oncoming traffic.

She can’t see; her forehead is on her palms. But she can hear and smell the burnt fuel of the vehicles zooming by. She hates all these smells and noises and the feeling of rumbling underneath her feet and - 

It feels like everything is over, like the sky is being torn open and it’s only a matter of time until a chunk falls on her. A cold piece of the sky, with sharp corners sticking out. She would get impaled first. It reminds her of this guy her brother told her about. Something-something, impaling a bunch of people. He made it like a forest, but instead of pine trees you have skewered men.

It’s really messed up, and he wasn’t even from the Underworld. He did all of that up there. That’s impressive.

His name escapes her right now.

If she dies now, would it be because of blood loss, or she may perhaps be crushed before her mind can even understand she’s dying? She might not die; just stay there forever, like a mummy trapped in a tomb. 

What are her options now, besides a quick ride to the afterlife? 

Right now, with her sitting on the sidewalk, contemplating the end of her world, it seems like there is nothing left to do. It feels like everything she did up to this point was for nothing: all the nights working shitty customer service jobs and reading through school notes again and again and again, until one day she could be good enough. Work hard, make a place for yourself in this world, take control over your own life. That was the plan.

Still is. She is still here.

And then there was the hassle of fake paperwork; new name, new date of birth, new address, all laid out in black ink on a fake (but high quality) identity card. 

Give it a few days.

She’s being dramatic, and she knows it, but it’s certainly nice to sink into despair every now and then when you know you can swim back up. 

It feels like such a luxury to be so concerned for one bad grade. She still has the memories of days when the ground was frozen, but they couldn’t afford to pay for the heating. When the only food in the fridge were leftover bits of stale cheese and mouldy carrots. When it was so cold she and her brother had to take turns wearing the coat. At least now, no matter how low the temperatures drop, she doesn’t have to share her brother’s coat with anyone.

Vivienne dropped these memories into the same pit of despair she’s floating in right now, and she let them sink to the bottom. She will never allow herself to ever reach those depths ever again. Right now, she just enjoys the luxury of floating on the top of a lake of sorrows.

She just knows they’re there, not fully letting go of them, like a hoarder sweeping rubbish under the bed. There are already piles and piles stacking up. It sucks, but these memories are hers.

There is a comfort in suffering for minute things when your life isn’t on the line. 

Nora finished her exam as well, resembling something of a wet cat; they sit down next to the person they currently know as ‘Vivienne’.

‘Do you think you passed?’, they asked, trying to be optimistic. The feeling of dread is so familiar in their chest. Life is full of uncertainties, but it will always promise death and failure. Countless shortcomings, every day, every week, every year. You just need to keep going.

‘I don’t think I even wrote my name right’ Vivienne mumbles, with her forehead still in her palms, exaggerating the situation, for whatever reason. 

Pity? No, she doesn’t need pity from anyone, less so from Nora. More like… personal satisfaction from being theatrical.

The silence between them is filled by the cars continuously passing by. There’s their bus, once dyed bright orange, a horrible eyesore. Now, the paint is chipped and the colour was dulled by the sun. Neither of them can be asked to get up, so they let it pass. 

Nora is the first to break the silence, the question itching on their tongue.

‘What’s your name anyway?’

They had the same conversation two years ago, and Vivienne (although she wasn’t ‘Vivienne’ at that point) remembers Nora screaming at her from across the kitchen. They placed distance between them, as if she was a dangerous animal that couldn’t be dealt with face to face. Growing up on these streets you learn to never attack a cornered animal; desperation makes you hungry for blood.

That’s how she knew to keep her distance from Nora, who accidentally cornered themselves between the kitchen table and the oven. 

She also remembers trying to decide which one is worse: the omen of death that is the sorrowful scream of a banshee, or the simple hurt and betrayal in their voice, which made her feel so small. Eighteen or eight?

‘You can’t gaslight me anymore! Who are you?’

It’s almost funny, looking back. Most people asked ‘What are you?’’ but Nora just had a knack for asking the most uncomfortable questions and, most often, the right ones.

That’s what gets you killed in the Underworld.

Two years ago, Vivienne tried to lie her way out of another difficult situation, only to be sat in front of the truth like a deer trapped before a set of headlights. If you don’t move, you get run over.

‘I’m Jude’

‘The name’s Mary-Anne’

‘Jamie’

‘Sandra’

‘Katherina, but you can call me Kate’

‘When did you record all of this?’

And the next question that floated in her head was ‘Fuck, does my voice always sound like this?’

Vivienne stared into their mouth; a mouthful of perfect sharp teeth which never had to tear through flesh, but there’s a first for everything, and she knew that. Which one’s worse: being seen or being known? 

Nora grabbed on to her sleeve; they knew better than to directly touch Vivienne right now. You wouldn’t touch a scared wild animal, armed with claws, teeth and a desire to survive, would you?

‘Hey! What are you doing?’ and she jerks away, as if Nora’s skin is hot and their touch violent. But it’s not. It never was and it never will be.

‘Last time we had this conversation, you ran away for a week, and rent’s due in three days’ Nora replies letting go of her.

Vivienne would rather die than give Nora the satisfaction of being right, but they are; if there is one good thing she is good at, that is running.

Run away from home, run away from your brother’s debt, run away from anyone who gets too close. You can’t hide forever from the scrutinising gaze of the world, but it’s so much more terrifying exposing your humanity (or lack thereof). Get lost in the crowd, out of this town, run until your shoes break and you drop dead. 

‘Look, Carmen…’ Nora begins.

‘Vivienne.’

This morning, she decided she will introduce herself with ‘Vivienne’, like Vivienne Leigh, the actress, but who is keeping track anyway?

More silence, staring into each other’s eyes. Both are deers and headlights, trapping each other. Who’ll be the one to step on the acceleration?

‘Shit. I wrote the whole essay on the ‘Vivienne Wraith Experiment’ Nora says, nearly choking on the words. Are they holding back a laugh or tears? It’s hard to tell.

They press on the pedal at the same time when they start laughing, their bodies hunched over and holding on to each other for support, as if either of them is even remotely stable.

They both fucked this one, and they will be at the doors of the very same Institution in three month’s time, hopefully more prepared for the retake session. 

Nora is still holding on to her sleeve, as if they’re afraid the wraith will run off, but she doesn’t want to do that anymore. They’re laughing now, like children playing in the sand. The world is vast and deadly, but that does not matter. Not right now, at least. Billions of people out there, but the only one to hold any sort of significance is the one next to you, at this very moment. 

When Nora laughs, Vivienne hears her brother’s voice, awkward and infectious. She’s not sure if that’s really how he laughed or if she put their voice over a silent memory, forcing it to fit like pieces from two separate puzzles. It’s comical how you don’t bother to remember what you think you’ll never lose.

‘Let’s go home’ Vivienne says, getting up and dusting herself off.

Home.

People are unreliable, especially when it’s all about survival. They’re all still animals, tearing each other for a seat at the table. You only understand what ‘dog eat dog’ means when you’re hungry, and then you learn to live with the shame of doing what you had to do.

Yeah, your fellow brethren is scum, but somehow public transportation is worse.

It takes another hour for the next bus to arrive, and this one is even older. The paint is a dull orange, giving the bus a sickly appearance. The engine buzzes like it’s a race car, but it moves like it’s being dragged across concrete by a single malnourished horse. 

It stinks of piss.

This could be some sort of lesson about letting opportunities get past you. If you want something, you need to put in the work to get it. But you only realise what you had after it’s too late to get it back.

Unsurprisingly, neither of them gives a shit right now. They just want to put distance between themselves and the Institution, letting the failure of the examination sink into the past. Out of sight, out of mind. For now.

They don’t speak to each other, sitting in comfortable silence. Convenient silence. Familiar silence.

Almost familiar, actually. Usually, there is tension between them. Resentment because the other didn’t take out the trash or left the kitchen in a mess, with crumbs on the table and a sink full of dishes. Grudges stick to them like velcro: easy to stick on, easy to let go. 

But there is no tension now, at least not between the two, which is something of an early Christmas miracle. 

‘Vivienne’ starts to leave a bitter taste in her mouth; just like a pill you don’t swallow, a name she holds on for too long seemingly starts to dissolve. It feels chalky, like it’s going to slip through the cracks, like she’s going to choke on it. Spit it out.

Not now, though. 

The bus comes to a halt, and Nora holds her hand when they walk out. 

They do that sometimes, a type of exposure therapy. Like when you bring an old dog home and you start by petting their front paws, then their back, and then their head. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can certainly teach it love.

Nora is rambling about something, but Vivienne is too focused on the warmth of their hand to hear them. It’s not a purposeful thing; she’d feel the same way if she had a tag on her shirt or if she had gloves on. They’re just distracting feelings she learned to tolerate, at the expense of her other senses.

Nora lets go of her hand and unlocks the door, which is great because Vivienne feels like she can finally hear again.

She goes to her room and sits criss crossed on the bed; everything is so loud now. 

From underneath the bed, she pulls out a mustard-yellow shoebox. Out of the shoe box, she lays out on the bed a scarf, some books, tangled earphones that only function in one ear and, from the very bottom, an old notebook. The pages are dull and yellow, and the corners are twisted upwards. The entire notebook doesn’t properly close, maintaining the sensory memory of being rolled up for many, many years.

She takes a deep breath and opens it at a random page.

His handwriting is so ugly and scratchy, it would have taken her forever to read it if she didn’t already have the entire thing memorised. You can blame the permanent nerve damage on his hands he got from the biting winters in the Underworld, or just that he didn’t give a shit.

The S is basically a straight line, and to call it chicken scratching would be generous, but she knows it says ‘Survival Guide’. She learned how their names are written by observing him write them down on the cover of the notebook. She crossed them out years ago; now it just says ‘Written by… for…’.

The entry is written in bullet points, and the writing goes up and down, in spite of the lines that clearly guide where you’re supposed to put the pen down. He was, most likely, not looking down when he was writing.

It’s not like she can ask him now. Anyway, it doesn’t matter anymore. It never did.

On the first line, it says ‘The Bitter Widow’, on Auburn Street. Vivienne knows this pub as the place her brother told her to go if he’s gone for longer than three days. 

The next line was another address, Azure Ave, and he capitalised and underlined ‘AVOID’. In the Northern side of the Underworld, Azure Ave is where the fun happens. That’s where the deals are made and where flesh is exchanged. In places like that, in the Underworld, you’re reminded of how small you are and how hungry the big fish are. There is not enough to go around for everyone, so hold on to the little you have with your teeth.

Her brother died thinking she planned her routes avoiding that street, but why should she miss out on the fun? He was just being paranoid, babying her like she is a dog that will run away the moment you open the door. He wouldn’t even let her cook, for fuck’s sake. 

She still doesn’t know how.

Out of the notebook, a loose bit of paper falls. It looks like it’s been crumpled, walked on, used as a coaster and suffered other unidentifiable bits of damage. She doesn’t need to read it to recognise it. She promised herself she wouldn’t…  but she reads it again.

The words are burned on her retinas, but she reads it anyway. The letters are much clearer, written before the harsh winters in the North of the Underworld fucked up his hands.

It’s a pros and cons list. Just a list. It can’t hurt you.

It can’t-

Cons of running away:

  We have nowhere to go

  She might track us down and kill us anyway

  I don’t know how to take care of us

Pros of running away:

I can keep her safe

I can keep her safe

I can keep her safe

All the way to the bottom of the page.

I can keep her safe.

‘I didn’t choose this’ Vivienne says, as if her message will reach her brother if she speaks into the void and, with it, her guilt.

‘Chose what?’ Nora asks, standing in the doorway and observing. Their head is nearly touching the door frame, but they are still stooping a little

‘How long have you been standing there?’ Vivienne asks back, snapping the notebook shut, with the loose paper in it. Although because it does not have hard covers, it does not make the satisfying thud of a book closed sharply.

‘Were you never taught that it’s rude to answer a question with a question?’ Nora replies, without actually being offended. They’ve had two years to get used to each other. ‘I just got here.’

‘What do you want?’

‘To do something fun!’ they say, picking at the wooden frame which suffered numerous ‘landlord treatments’ over the years.

‘Wanna steal a car and go for a joy ride?’ Vivienne proposes, her face lighting up at the idea, although it’s not met positively by Nora, who rolls their eyes.

‘I said fun, not illegal.’

‘I’m pretty sure those words are synonyms.’

For Nora, they’re not, but there is no point in getting into that right now.

‘Say, what if we explore that apartment upstairs, number twenty-something?’

‘Nora, I don’t do my masters in law but I’m pretty sure trespassing is illegal.’

‘It would barely even count! Have you ever seen anyone going in or out of there? Ever?’ 

They have a point; where their plan fails is the fact that they’ve been hearing weird noises from there ever since they moved in. Doors slamming, heavy footsteps, furniture being dragged from one corner to the other.

Vivienne is too embarrassed to admit she could swear she heard someone crying in there.

‘Good enough for me’ Vivienne says and gets up, puts the notebook in the box and puts in the lid, without placing the wide range of stuff she used to cover it. Now that Nora saw her hiding place, she will need to find another hiding spot anyway.

………..

‘Can’t you use your claws to pick that lock?’

Nora’s claws could tear through flesh. Fundamentally, they’re weapons. Yet they could be so gentle, like the one time Vivienne choked on splintered bones. Seriously, what do you mean you can’t eat cooked bones?

Vivienne was sitting on the counter, with her head back and trying to move as little as possible as Nora fished it all out, bit by bit. Every breath hurt and she was afraid she punctured her lung. The worst part was that it would have been such a pathetic death. But those talons were damn good; Nora would do a fine medic one day.

It’s easy to imagine Nora comforting a youth stabbed on the street. Whilst it’s impossible to visualise them in the sterile environment of a surgery room, you just know they would do great on the streets, in the flesh of the events.

It’s ok, you’ll be fine. I’m here and I won’t leave you until you’re ok, as they are stuffing wounds with gauze, trying to stop the bleeding. Being a banshee would come in handy; Nora would know if they would die before their vitals would begin to drop. What treatment is needed at that moment? Antiseptic or a warm embrace?

Sometimes, being heard is enough. 

‘You know that’s not how it works.’ Nora answers, frowning as they work through the rust within the aged lock.

Of course Vivienne knows that, but although annoying Nora is not her favourite thing in the world, it’s certainly up there. 

‘Let me show you how it’s done’ and Vivienne kneels before the door, as she pretends she can’t see Nora roll their eyes. 

If she had more energy, she might have put up a little show; look into the lock, try the door handle, or even pretend she is going to unscrew the faceplate. That’s a thing she saw her brother doing; tricks, distractions. A born con-man, he dutifully passed down his skills to his little sister.

She tries to pretend it’s not there, but there is a weight in her chest that she doesn’t want to explain. Explaining means acknowledging, and fuck that. She’d rather shove those feelings down her throat and let her stomach acid dissolve it. Because that's healthy.

Vivienne keeps telling herself she will buy a better set of lock picking tools, one that won’t bend and snap in two. The set she has now is too small to be used comfortably. It’s embarrassing, they almost look like toys. When her brother brought them home, she certainly thought they’re toys. (chuldhood hoem)

She could take Nora’s, but she would rather die than owe anything to anyone. 

‘This is how you do it, then?’ Nora snickers, leaning on the wall next to the door as her housemate struggles.

‘Fucking shit!’ Vivienne snarls, and kicks the door, which swings open.

‘Wow, Houdini. You picked an unlocked lock! Congrats!’ Nora says, fidgeting by picking with two fingers the skin around their joints.

‘You tried to unlock it first, smartass.’

Thinking about it, it is dodgy to walk into an apartment they heard weird noises in for two years straight, yet never saw anyone leave or stay. This is made worse by the fact that it wasn’t even locked. And they would have realised that if each of them brought forward a brain cell to rub together.

Maybe there is nothing worth protecting?

Things have the value you give them. That’s why, for wraiths, gold has a high value. You wear it on your ears, wrists, and fingers. It’s a message that says where you’re from, what’s your covent, who's your family. It marks you as having someone who not only has your back, but also loves you.

Vivienne has no gold on her.

Not anymore, at least. She remembers the earring with a purple gem, and she remembers the way it tugged on her hair when her mother didn’t braid it. She couldn’t remember when her brother stole it to pawn it when they couldn’t make rent.

No matter the species, though, people stay priceless. You could be the wealthiest man in the Underworld, but what’s the point when grief is dragging you down?

It sucks twice as much when you’re poor, though. 

They walk into the apartment of mystery, hit by the smell of the typical mustiness of a room that hasn’t experienced an open window in decades. Whatever furniture has been placed in the apartment was covered with white sheets, which turned grey with dust. In fact, the entire place was covered in a thick layer of dust, making each breath particularly difficult.

‘I’m getting lung cancer just from looking into this room.’

‘That’s not how lung cancer works, but you could get asthma!.’

‘Shut up.’

And they walk in, with their phone lights turned on. Awkward black figures stretch from the covered furniture across the floor and on the walls. Cobwebs in the corners create shaking shadows, as they quiver with the movement of the air in the room.

Up until that point, there was a sombre stillness in the room, but, as they moved their phones’ flashlights around the surfaces in the apartment, it gave the illusion it’s breathing. It gave the impression that, within the walls, there is a beating heart and a set of lungs. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

Nora shines their light on the floor, observing how the carpet of dust was disturbed; they can’t tell if the marks are the result of one person pacing back and forth, or numerous people did. Either way, it’s been a long time; a thin layer of grey set on top of the marks.

They continue like explorers in a cave, but there is hardly anything to see or, in Vivienne’s case, to steal.

Even in houses abandoned for decades, there is a sense that someone lived there at one point. Sometimes, you can still see sheets wrapping the bed or broken frames fallen off the walls, or dirty cutlery in the sink. But this is desolate; everything that could be taken out was. Which sucks because Vivienne was really hoping for a souvenir, but it is what it is.

They reach the kitchen and Nora turns on the tap.

Nothing. 

‘This is boring’ Vivienne says, running her finger across the kitchen’s worktop, and rubbing the dust between her fingertips.

The door slams behind them.

They want to pretend they didn’t scream and scatter, but they did. Well, Vivienne did. Nora stayed put and frozen, as if that would make them invisible. If they could blend in with the background, that would make them safe.

Where did Vivienne go?

‘Carm- Vivienne? Where are you?’ they whispered. The air is so still the sound of every breath could travel across the entire apartment. 

Their chest begins to tighten and the air is unbearably hot. It’s boiling and it feels like their skin is bubbling on their flesh and this does not feel like death. It feels worse, like anxiety.

‘Hey’ and a clawed finger taps them on the shoulder.

That’s when the freeze response turns into fight and they instinctively throw their phone behind them.

‘Motherfucker!’ Vivenne exclaims, as the phone hits her square in the face. The phone falls to the floor and cracks, but it’s still functioning. It falls face down in the middle of the kitchen, lighting up the ceiling.

‘You scared the living daylights out of me!’

‘No I didn’t! You don’t even photosynthesise!’ and Vivienne moves her hand out of the way to gesticulate, revealing a nose covered in blood.

Nora just stares blankly at her for a few moments.

‘C’mere’ and Nora takes a step forward. They don’t have anything to clean up the blood, so they try to clean it with their sleeve.

‘You suck at this’ but she’s not bitter. She’s smiling, as Nora is mostly smearing her blood on her face.

‘And you swal-’ but they stopped before they could finish their sentence. Neither of them moved, but someone in there did. They heard someone’s weight creaking under the rotten floorboards. For one second, but it was enough.

‘Let’s leave’ Nora proposes, and Vivienne nods in silent agreement.

Nora turned their head towards where their phone fell after it ricocheted off Vivienne’s face, and it only takes a step before the floor beneath them makes a cracking sound. It feels hollow, and they don’t have a chance to move their foot away before the entirety of the kitchen floor, putrid and hollowed out by termites, breaks under their weight.

In moments of crisis, people describe the events as happening in slow motion. Not this time; the fall took a second, maybe two. You blink and you miss it.

Well, you can’t miss the aftermath.

Broken bits of wood and flakes of lime coat the apartment they fell into. A white cloud of whatever substance was used to insulate the apartment building slowly settles. Hopefully, it’s not asbestos. 

Although neither of them would put it above their landlord.

‘Next time, let’s just steal a fucking car.’ Vivienne says, trying to get up and dust herself off. She really hopes it’s not asbestos. 

Nora would verbally agree if their head wasn’t pounding and they didn’t feel like every bone in their body cracked in some way. They speak in a low and unarticulated tone, which Vivienne can’t understand. She is not exactly concerned with Nora, her attention being taken by their surroundings.

They fell into the apartment below, but whose apartment was it?

It doesn’t matter. They just need to get the hell out and pretend they didn’t have any involvement.

The only thing that matters in that apartment is the front door. Of course, they could try leaving through the window, but they both had generous helpings of dropping from considerable heights. 

So considerable, in fact, Vivienne cut her hand in something. Her palms are covered in blood and she is shaking too hard to do anything useful, like picking a lock.

‘Hey, how about you use your lock picking skills and deal with that door?’ she says, extending her left hand towards Nora, to convince them to get up.

Nora looks at her- no, through her with the face of a child caught breaking the most important porcelain in the house. And then setting the house on fire.

‘We’re fucked. We’re so fucked.’

This is not the moment. This is not the moment to have a mental breakdown. 

‘Nora, listen to me. Listen- We’re not fucked yet. You just have to- get up! Get up now!’ and she grabs the front of their shirt, trying to pull them up. Given the considerable size difference and the fact that Nora was letting all of their weight back, it looked like a chihuahua playing tug of war with a saluki. 

Still holding on to their shirt, turning it bloody, Vivienne prays the lock she hears turning is just an auditory hallucination. 

Unfortunately, it’s not.

Thank you for reading all of this ^-^

[danderling]

SORT OF A RANT its mostly just me being pissy so its nothing important it wouldnt matter if you skipped this

GOD I went overseas for a while and it kind of screwed me over in school, I usually have a good schedule but the moment something changes everything falls apart for me and like

I have so many unsubmitted assessments that I dreaded but wasnt able to do, I have exams coming up that I’m not prepared for, etc etc

It’s sort of why I’ve been demotivated to do art and may have been posting a tad bit less than I wish I was, I’m very stressed but I physically can’t get myself to do work and idk why

On that topic of ‘physically unable to do work’ its like??? I get the anxiety and fear of not doing it and then I get so scared but for some whatever stupid reason I cant get up and do it whatsoever its just me going “shit I have stuff to do I should do it” and then I just. Don’t do it 😭

It also sucks that I fall asleep a lot in class because my sleep schedule STILL is inconsistent and horrible so now Im usually late to school from sleeping in and my parents get all amgry graaaahhh

I dont know if it has to do with me being tired all the time but also I just dont do school work when I get home anymore ಠ_ಠ as if everything else isn’t bad enough I get home fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night where I can’t even be productive because of the whole demotivation and hhhh

I wanted this to be a small rant but its way bigger than I thought itd be whoopsies,,,,,,,,,,,,,, if this actually gets read by anyone I would be mildly surprised