#im definitely not the same person i was when i couldn't even honestly confront myself
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newvegascowboy · 2 years ago
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#not fallout#kal talks#ok to preface this is a POSI VENT#it just might get a little heavy#i tend to be a Little Personal on here and im going to be a lil more personal. im thinky thoughts#but man... its been a year since literally the lowest point in my life#like last march. i will say. was... really bad for me mentally. i wont go much deeper than that but maybe some of you remember.#im much much better now but i will say i was a little wary as this month and anniversary approached because i was afraid basically#(the actual anniversary passed last week and i didnt notice)#but ive managed to do soo much growing and healing from where i was last year like it is honestly astonishing#im definitely not the same person i was when i couldn't even honestly confront myself#in a way i think what happened last year was one of the best things to happen to me#it doesn't mean that nothing bad will ever happen in the future but it does mean that i survived that and i can survive whatever else#happens too#healing isnt linear i know that. like obviously im going to have setbacks and some days im incredibly whiny and bitchy#like October/November were suuuper hard on me mentally#but again - still here!#still alive and still putting laundry away and taking baths and reading books and doing art#And its almost SUMMER again!#and god i want to live this summer.#and its kind of funny how...when you think you want to die just saying thr words 'i want to live' feels like...idk. it feels like something#but i want to live#and i want to go hike at zion and i want to eat watermelon and i want to sit in the sun and paint red rocks#i wanted to die last year and it felt so real i could have but im still here and i want to live and do things while im here#that's all i guess#life's hard. its a bitch and then you die. but there are some pretty good parts to it too and every summer i remember why
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