#im also trying to figure this shit out bc i got a letter from social security saying i needed to fix my w2s to get insurance

[toinfinitywinning]

confident about confidence & not confident that makes sense.

*real Quick. This (G)entry might make ur head spin. Could also Title : what you think no one knew. U tried it.

I wont ask for a raise of hands. Everyone deals with it. There’s no solution, no answer. Experience & being a dumbass——>Guidance and wisdom. There are many reasons I bring up confidence. One, it’s one of those words that’s not a word …it is a State of being. you just kind of don’t know where to place it b/c well, you’re not confident of where to land w/ it and even if you were you’d be like just leave it bc i don’t have time for this. to debate confidence v confidence? again Dog-ear the page or burn it bc im not even confident about THAT. Then once and only if it’s (the whole world of confidence) placed hyper-questioning kicks in: is that where it should be? Then… be and stay? Also am I losing it? I’m not confident about that but maybe. That’s always on the agenda you never agreed to and I AM confident about that i think.

If there is one constant in My Life it’s been My back n forth relationship with confidence. I have this thought daily, truly. I’ll say to myself ok yea I’m cute…

[insert any other compliment you give yourself or even receive by others only b/c you’re actually insecure— and just like the fact you’re still sick from being healthy (Me) it doesn’t make sense so bc it doesn’t make sense just I guess get over it and carry on]

…but R u cute enough to actually be happy and okay about that or do you want to change something? Take another chiseled mirror picture flexing? And u never went to a trainer? Feel better now? But I only got 3 likes. So idk.

Er No i think I’ve figured it out. Just dont eat. Exercise 2-4 hrs a day. Weights. 100 Push-up’s. 100 Calf raises. Repeat. Twice a Day if ya can. Anything to find confidence in the material. Find Pride. Only Pride you’re good at tho is the lgbtq spectrum and recently are glad it’s a spectrum since u have no idea where you fall into it anymore bc you’re not confident and it’s completely irrelevant b/c I can live between the letters+ the rest of my Life— that’s fine. Any of which could be foreshadowing of any category of Illness to come. But yea Now that you’re sick…you gotta trash your other Pride AGAIN b/c you can’t do anything without help.

10, 9, 8…my Tourette’s R throttled.

Then lately, aka the past 2 years—I can make the cute comment, i like my sun freckles and My eyes. My baby hairs when i wear a hat backwards. My smile. Just dont smile where you look fat or have a dbl chin bc you worked too hard to get all that weight off and how would that look if you just got fat again? Pitiful and weak and a fraud. Going back on your word b/c anything I declare Online is binding. So just Show some of your body in pics but not all so people dont think youre trying NOT to be totally honest with internet fame but so you still look confident. but as for doing anything about it…physically can’t now b/c trying to get better is not a good idea bc of POTS and Pppunishment for trying to be in shape but oh when u tried to be in shape never was not-not punishment. Then what…back to no confidence. Felt like My Face is cute but _______ oh, ill still think that later. Confident about that. Forget about iiit. Post it.

Then all the sudden youre not just fighting with yourself. there’s the whole social Media thing also including the “felt cute, might _____ later.” What R we doing later (?!) LOL. We say Shit that doesn’t make sense at all. (English still deemed the hardest language to learn b/c we have three versions of the same thing). Who decided why ppl need to know what we’re doing later if we are cute? LOL, Well then, I’m typically the later. I think. B/c if I even did feel cute I didn’t have enough confidence to say it, yea? Even if I was?

TRAP

This goes back to My eating Disorder(s)—which, is technically a fantastic eerily precluding example of the back and forth weight and confidence issues I’ve always had on and off. Ok so weight, up and down. Confidence obviously plays along. Self worth in that scale- turn the lights off. Can’t see your bones anymore, I’m doing something wrong. I’m healthier but I also have Long COVID-19? I lost all this weight and im fainting? Oh and science does back up that the reason u were so susceptible to getting sick is bc you got healthy! Your body was so assaulted it kicked into overdrive to help you but did a 180 gainer instead of the whole 360. So u Quit smoking. stopped drinking, et. Working on an eating disorder mixed of anorexia and exercise bulimia bc you used to be morbidly obese and lost 150 lbs and dammit you’re gonna let ppl know it for confidence’s sake. Do. Not. Waiver. Social Media is holding us all hostage and accountable.

That’s weak, Gentry. B/c if it’s on the Internet it’s REAL and it’s permanent. Keep it up. Don’t think about it too much.

Back to my body being so healthy it gets sick. The most laughable backwards bull shiggity I’ve ever been a part of. My Pleasure. Again, body got So healthy in fact, the health takes form and wants to protect you so badly that it turns turbo, fast, furious and wants to heal you SO fast and so well, well, it’s bad. And, AND, you cant do anything about that trust me your body is confident in that. Oh and also wait even tho u did follow all the covid safety rules half of America made fun of that is also irrelevant. Why? I’m confident the answer is bc What why? LOL. This gets Good, gets better. Need 2 years to explain. So book it in advance.

Speed ‘round to tie all the above mess? not confident I can do that with this entry. Can’t speed through any of this type Schitt in a few words. Forget a proofread.

Engine sputters. Then stops even sputtering. And pls stop using that word.

Pretty confident I can’t go anywhere now!

See now? Ofc you don’t.

Truly it was the beginning of the End. I’m confident about that. I do thank God for that tho. Not that this needed to happen but something needed to distract Me from myself and its prison only I could have built. Go ahead and add that pressure to your Tab too.

Me thinks i do. I sound Manic. And steroids influenced.

PS: if you take anything from this—these strategies of extremes to get extremes don’t work. They’re temporary. It’s more your mind than your body. They’re not going to make you happy everlasting.even Snow White got F’d temporarily and she was not even cute. There’s a shallowness to the extremes intoxication but unless like an Addiction you’re ready to Face and admit it honestly healing cannot Begin. TIME is on your side and most of the time you’d prefer it the other Way then the other Way. So This “advice”— or call it what you want— doesn’t just apply to confidence and the extremes we Will take so you CAN be all about you you you. Where is the line btw confidence Health and cockiness and a titch narcissism? The obsession—It Will leave you empty.

I just read the above and thank goodness I didn’t handwrite it b/c then you’d really have no chance of deciphering any part of it! Even so you may have to learn the hard Way like most of us. Something I’ll never understand but can look at somebody and know they’ve been there too.

Just do you. Don’t try so hard. You’ll be so tired. But just be present. That’s gonna bring joy. Not a scale. Not a selfie. What do YOU want. Trust my confidence on this at least. Ya can’t beat it. Truly is what is at your Core. What do people think first? I’m still unsure I want to know that anyway! Being yourself is terrifying. WHYYY?!

I need a scribe.

Don’t ask Me ;)

Be blessed.

Xx, g3

[floaromatown]

do you have any tips about getting PR in canada, i'm trying to figure this out with my gf who lives in america (also idv edaters. unfortunately)

WE WERE NOT IDV EDATERS SCREAMMMMM you should have just kicked sand in my eyes. i begged him to play idv with me he wouldnt cos he was scared. anyway.

unfortunately my tips are very limited as ive been 'done' with the bullshit for over a year now. and like immigration lawyers literally get paid thousands cause its so complicated :( like not in a 'pay me' way but like its an insane feat to pull off without professional help. that and pr shit is changing all the time so im sure a lot of what i experienced is outdated

i spent like 1.5 years no exaggeration in the pr RESEARCH mines (mostly on r/immigrationcanada) and honestly i still felt like i was learning new shit right up until the day i submitted my application. and then more and more after i had submitted it. its really really hard unfortunately. i really advise asking/searching for questions on that subreddit whenever possible, there are a lot of people who can help when youre unsure.

if it wasnt clear you have to be married to apply for the spousal sponsorship, which as far as I understand is pretty much how most american to ca prships happen. if you (when i say you i mean your american girl bc thats the perspective im coming from) happen to have a skilled job (the canadian gov website has a key to determine if your job classifies as skilled) then I believe there is another route, but I wasn't eligible so idk shit about that. dont bother looking into whether you qualify as common law or conjugal or whatever bc you very very likely dont meet their standards. i got married in the states a week before crossing the border, your marriage certificate would be valid in canada

off the bat i would say, unless you know for sure your living situation would 100% COMPLETELY PROVIDE FOR YOU for 6 months to a year, then you should probably apply for an OUTLAND spousal sponsorship. if you move in together in canada and apply for INLAND spousal sponsorship then you cannot work period, there is no legal way for you to make any cent of income. you will not be eligible for provincial healthcare, so i recommend getting long term travel insurance (i rec geoblue). the border is a whole other ordeal if you don't have any status in canada, you can't look like you're moving (i.e no moving boxes no tons of luggage) you can't look like you're eloping or staying for more than a couple months and even if you do everything right they still may suspect you and deny you entry. i did inland and it was really really difficult and at times scary for these reasons, i did not exactly do some things by the book in order to get by *WINKKK*. if you can stand to get married and then part for upwards of a year then i would really really suggest the outland route. unless youll be provided for then GOOD FOR YOU *shaking fist* random but americans also have to continue filing us taxes even if they have moved out of country. so remember that.

moreso tips umm DOCUMENT EVERYTHINGGG YOU DO TOGETHER this is my biggest piece of advice. you have to prove your relationship is legit, here is a list of stuff i included in my application:

receipts/the route we took for our honeymoon

screenshots of support from relatives, like facebook or other social media posts acknowledging your relationship

we got our wills done to make each other the sole benefactor

receipts and pictures of gifts weve gotten each other

photos of both of you with friends and family is 100% required

proof of past visits to each other

receipts and pics for past dates/outings/events

letters of support from family/friends (i got these notarized)

lots of stuff from online chat logs/social media. pictures of chats, phone calls, video calls from across years. i think i included at least one of each from every month since we got together. chats should be relevant to relationship stuff like discussing moving in, getting married, relatives, etc.

a letter detailing our relationship with exact dates, locations, etc. like when we met, when we started dating, when we visited, how we got engaged, etc. you have to make a case for yourself as if you were in court.

if youre researching stuff there is honestly not a lot of resources specifically for edaters! so many people like have like children together in another country or have been established there as a married couples for years so they have a ton of foundation to work off of. canada doesnt just want to see that youre in love they want to see the work that goes into that, like shared leases and joint bank accounts and years of financial support and children etc etc. it sucks but you have to justify it in other ways when youre (im assuming) young and childless and unmarried until recently. you can get some of those things once you move in together but idk, i was rather safe than sorry an scrounged up all the 'soft' evidence i could right up until i submitted it.

i think thats about it i wish i could help more lol. its definitely one of the hardest things ive had to do like emotionally financially temporally effortfully lmfao. good luck?!

[shatteredfears-arch]

was awake all night bc *sick and still gotta go to work esp bc from my understanding the sick day policies have changed in cali and i havent read them yet

[amatres]

👀 tell me about ur oc's,,,if you so desire,,

happily! this is also going under a read more because it Gets Long lol, i apologize in advanced for my rambling thoughts, it's mainly about her relationship with her shitty boyfriend TM so beware

i'm guessing you're asking about my girl adelaide bc of my last post so im going to ramble about her for a minute. So like, what if you mixed anthy himemiya and sophie hatter into a blender and got a new character from that? wouldn't that be the most repressed and angry person to ever exist? that's sort of how she's ended up with how i've played her lol.

adelaide is one of my pcs who i am currently playing and she's in a game called hand of the queen, and was born to a disgraced noble family who fell a few generations back bc of whatever fucked shit her great grandfather did (which i don't know bc my dm immediately latched onto that and im just now getting hints at what it is. he made some deal with an evil god??? he took a ring with the symbol of that god off a severed hand idk man he's fucking weird) and so all her life she's been pressured to bring her family back to glory but she's a reclusive and and quiet person so she obviously isn’t prime material for being the beacon of social society. eventually the pressure made her have a public breakdown as a child which her parents never let her live down, only becoming increasingly more emotionally abusive to her as time went on and they saw more flaws in her not living up to the ideal they wanted her to be. which only made worse by her being rejected by a majority of her peers for her family's past and her own withdrawn personality.

anyway, she was recruited by the queen among four others to be her personal guard to investigate sensitive matters on her behalf. funny thing is adelaide didn't know this, so she went into this whole thing thinking her abusive family finally got fed up with dealing with her and sent her off to die on a fools errand of investigating a plague for the newly crowned queen with little political backing. so she was like, not doing great and even lashed out at some of her fellow team members out of anger of Everything.

turns out very quickly not to be a plague at all, but a conspiracy by the queen's own advisor to poison the country side and make it appear like a plague, and his method of doing this was by forcing his son to do his dirty work for him as captain of the guard for one of the city gates. turns out, the advisor sold his own son's soul to some evil god (same one from before) a long time ago who is now pushing for the country to be poisoned as well, and because of that he was forced into being an accomplice to the whole thing.

long story short, the hand of the queen captured the advisors son after sealing some fucked up thing called a god child crashed on that son trying to kill the hand of the queen and frame them for the poisonings, but unlike the rest of the group, adelaide knew this dude since childhood and felt something was up and so was trying to be nicer to him in hopes of figuring out what was going on and not wanting to jump to the conclusion he did this all of his own free will.

he latches onto this and even after he escapes from prison, during a ball thrown in the hand of the queens honor of course, he takes the time to sneak into the party to talk to her despite the danger it would bring, spending the night talking to her and even asking her if she believed people could change, before eventually leaving to escape to another country. he even sends a letter to her that night and she hides it from the queen and guard because she wants to give him a chance to prove he's willing to change, and over the course of the following months, he still reached out to her through magic, and slowly began opening up to her more, even trying to change to become a better person now that he's finally free of his fathers abuse. which in turn she starts doing the same because she can see so much of herself in him whether she wants to admit to it or not and they slowly are starting to shift away from being being so embittered by the abuse they were dealt by finally finding someone they feel not only can accept them as they are, but that drives them to want to be better people for the other's sake

now the hand of the queen is in this country he ran away to and he just gave us all the information on his side of things, but now the group are tasked to bring him back for trial which everyone there will be vying for his death, especially bc his shitty dad is dead now so he's only person left they can blame for the poisoning to take out their anger on. which adelaide 100% doesn't want to happen

there's other things too, like how adelaide's older brother was friends with the advisor's son since they were all kids and apparently the dude was trying to court her for years but did a bad job at it because adelaide instead interpreted it as him mocking her, which is just wild. he's tried telling her to stop worrying about him because he doesn't want to drag her down with him and see her get hurt in the middle of the conflict, but it's too late for that because her way of showing love is worrying over people. so she's going to latch onto him and do everything she can to save his life and try to give him the chance she doesn't think she'll ever have, which is to live a life free of others control

sorry about All The Paragraphs but i've been going nuts about this for nearly a year now but pls understand im obsessed

[patchdotexe]

explorers of arvus: heading back / 3.11.21

zoom and enhonse

LAST TIME ON ARVUS taure passed out and we are now down a healer! also we met a disciple of halvkar, and surprisingly did not murder her. this is fine. we have instantly gotten distracted by our various carts. cats. our various cats

DID ANY OF US CATCH TAURE, SHE FELL OVER sieron tried to catch her and smacked charlie+thorne in the face (he rolled a nat1, f) BUT the catboy is to the rescue bc silje is the designated Not Incompetent of the group today

CONSULT THE CHILD hewwo yrel yrel: her mind is being consumed by the serpent of nightmares. :D charlie: HELLO?????//

so, dendar(?) the night serpent is imprisoned beneath arvus! she was formed from the nightmares of the first sentient being, and sometimes she eats people's nightmares. if she's exceptionally hungry, she'll force nightmares onto people for her to feed off their fear. yrel thinks taure will Probably wake up. there's a thing on arvus mentioned by the locals called a "sleeping sickness" where people will fall asleep for a few days, sometimes longer, but will wake up. its magical in cause, the people afflicted by it have horrific nightmares, and its just kinda. a thing. wowza

(i have gone back to spelling yrel's name as yrel bc i think it looks nice)

OH HEY SOMEONE POSTED A THEORY ON ONE OF MY STICKMOLUS ANIMATIONS man i should get back to stickmolus sometime. once dsmp releases its awful grip on me.

i keep getting distracted by seeing myself in the camera preview. i have a tooth gap! what the fuck its cute?? K I KNOW WE'RE SUPER BLURRY IN FRONT RN BUT PLEASE HELP ME STAY FOCUSED I SWEAR -leo

we're gonna build a sled! to put taure on. thorne: i have a good strength score. ....i say, out loud charlie: i am four feet tall. [cue argument between thorne & sieron about them both being horcs but sieron has a +0 bc strength is his dump stat] OH, OKAY, THORNE ROLLED A NAT20 TO CARRY TAURE. NICE

[discussion about what to tell everyone at camp vengenace] thorne: the last thing we need to do is a witch hunt charlie: --and we already hunted the witch! the witch has been hunted.

time to discuss strategy! we need to figure out how to head back to camp vengeance, eg if we want to follow the path we already took or if we wanna do some trailblazing. looks like we're gonna try and take the most direct path! which means we'll prolly risk tangoing with some undead but im willing to risk it TINY HUT STAIRCASE sorry i just remember it now and then

nyx: [meowing at his cats] thorne: uh... why is silje meowing? jorb: silje's food bowl is empty jorb: you look at silje's food bowl and there's a divot in the middle and the food is all on the sides emotionally, we must bully the catboy silje saw something interesting and started meowing

thorne: ill take first watch silje: ill also take first watch. charlie: [quietly] gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy (but, like, extended for 15 seconds)

silje: [takes watch] [rolls a nat1 and gets distracted by looking at his crush]

THORNE HAS LOCATED A DOG the dog does not give a shit about the tiny hut. THE DOG HAS PEED ON THE TINY HUT goodbye dog

EVERYONE IS ROLLING AT LEAST 1 NAT1 thorne: wow! that sure is a dog. thorne has drawn the worst possible dog. thorne has erased the worst possible dog. we dont speak of the worst possible dog its the dog version of honse. DONSE

sieron is now on watch! MAN we are havin trouble rolling today. at least kali's here to make sure sieron doesnt stare at a rock for 50000 years sieron sees a mouse! bottom text

charlie is now on watch! kali is havin a big ol thonk. nothing meaningful has come of this

i am perceiving some deer. sieron is not perceiving some deer. silje is perceiving some deer, but better the deer are fucked up and undead! silje has gone from "we should hunt these deer for food" to "we should hunt these deer for sport"

charlie: i do not feel like being jumped by five thousand skeletons

charlie takes first watch with sieron! WHY ARE OUR ROLLS SO TERRIBLE taure is super cursed right now. that's not very pog charlie: this place sucks. thorne: to be fair, we havent-- charlie: YOU'RE ASLEEP, SHUT UP

oh hey coolname galvanic finally partied. nice.

thorne is at watch! solar: hey, is leomund's tiny hut an orb? there's a critter digging around! AH, THE CRITTER IS UNDEAD. this could be a problem

solar: hey michael, how much does the horrific sin against god dog i drew look like this creature michael: [dice roll noises] about 50%.

michael: if anyone likes, they can make a nature check-- solar: ME MEMEMEMEME ME ME ME

its a bulette! aka a land shark. problem: they are not normally undead. this one is undead.

jorb: imagine if you could tame one of those and use it as a mount. leo: IT WOULD JUST DIG UNDERGROUND AND LEAVE YOU THERE

we are just calling it a weird dog

we're going to mail a letter to the heart of arvus. HEY, CHECK OUT THIS WEIRD DOG,

JORB FOUND ART OF A BABY BULETTE. WEIRD PUPPY!

solar: hey guys, check out this sick art of a bulette i found

silje kept a lookout for the weird dog but its just fucked off. goodbye, weird dog give it up for day 3!

man there's been like, three incinerations today in blaseball. what's up with that. I SWEAR IM MOSTLY PAYING ATTENTION its just been an eventful day in blaseball. also im wearing my garages bomber rn. jaylen is home wooOOOO the wind smells stinky. this is fine.

we're actively avoiding whatever combat michael keeps nudging at us bc we're carrying around an unconscious person and i SWEAR hes gonna throw something directly at us once he's done with our shenanigans

UHH MICHAEL ASKING FOR PASSIVE PERCEPTION LOL

huh. this place used to be inhabited? we're in the woods rn but there's some like, stone ruins? like, VERY ruins. like, not really any structures standing, but enough evidence to show there Were things. WE FOUND A STATUE charlie: i want to smash my face against the lore.

used to be a circle of standing stones, but most of em fell over or got overgrown. inside of the circle has been cleared, although v roughly-- ground's torn up statue is of fjolnir! warrior holding up a spear and shield. AH, THERE ARE CORPSES, a human got REAL fucked up here. one of the corpses is straight up impaled on fjolnir's spear. n ... not pog.

i am trying so, so hard to pay attention. but i also kinda wanna take a nap.

charlie: [stares at statue] [rolls a 4] i wonder if he had a dick.

okay so something rolled in, tore up the overgrowth inside the circle, and murdered a couple dudes. and was also super tall and human-adjacent. hrm.

oh my god why are we rolling so shit today. time to stealth away and hope we dont get casually dismembered

k: jorb's hair is so long... leo: K, PLEASE,

time for a break! i am very tired but im gonan see if i can push through a little further. nyx is petting his cat why do orangatangs look like that

first watch is thorne and sieron! have they even, like, talked thorne unhabby ): thorne's worried we were tresspassing when checking out the statue, meanwhile im thinking about that one time when sieron got bit by a groundhog

(oh my god this is from late 2018)

leomund's tiny hut, aka the anti-sea bear circle we are getting SO much mileage out of the tiny hut. SILJE HUMS A SONG WITH KALI cute........... FINALLY I HAVE ROLLED ABOVE A 14 wait no i rolled a 16 twice. anyway we are not dead

nearly at camp vengenace! boy howdy i hope camp vengeance didnt get burned down. AH FUCK TAURE IS UNCONSCIOUS SO WE CANT CAST FOR DETECT POISON kaepora nearly made us all shit ourselves but its okay he just saw some bison and thought it was cool Michael Is Consulting Several Tables

WHY DOES JORB'S CAMERA ZOOM LIKE THAT why am i hungry. i have so many questions

HEY, TALL GUY [smacks sieron]

camp vengeance looks better! like, nobody's Obviously Sick anymore, the medical tents arent overfilled, we did it! we saved the dayyyyyy time to report to ryder! taure's getting dropped off at the medical tent

man remember when charlie didnt wear pants

oh man, with taure unconscious charlie is now taking point with social interaction. wild. jk im making jorb do it bc im tired HAHA NAT 20 PERSUASION BC OF ME HELPIN SIERON man ryder is such a cock. he was totally ready to keep throwing troops at heaven's brazier to die until we managed to persuade him out of it. jorb: did we tell ryder about the vision? michael: you kinda just took a look at him and went STINKY BOY!

okay yeah anything that dies on arvus will just pop back up as undead. man, arvus sucks.

ryder: alright, dismissed. charlie: seeya, soldier boy! :D hahahahaha im gonna eat his knees.

SILJE NEEDS ENRICHMENT IN HIS ENCLOSURE

charlie: ive decided he sucks. silje: we've already arrived to that, you're late!

LMAO WE WALKED IN ON INGRID AND HER CRUSH they fuckin. nice. you go, you funky lesbian

jorb: we've got the tiny hut, we could go anywhere leo: we could go to SPACE! nyx: we could not go to space. leo: WITH A TINY HUT STAIRCASE, WE CAN,

we are 320 miles away from the spaceship that exists on arvus. nice.

michael: justin sees you-- roll a strength saving throw. leo: i cant wait to die! [rolls a 3] I AM CRUSHED BY MY DOG michael: he rolled a nat20.

BOSS ENCOUNTER: CHARLIE'S DOG (the small circle next to him is one of the medical tents.)

THORNE IS PACT OF THE GUN solar: PARRY THIS, YOU FUCKING CASUAL

sieron, to ingrid: seems like youve been doing well charlie: i punch sieron. sieron: sieron: the camp, of course.

man we have no idea if the heart of arvus is actually related to the prophecy or not. theres a Lot of stuff lining up, but not enough, and its hard to say how much of it couldve been literal?

solar & michael: [discussing exposition] me: [cracking up bc penn sent me a funny dsmp joke]

prophecies are weird.

charlie is just s she is just sitting here SILJE PLAYED CARDS REALLY GOOD AT ME nyx rolled a nat20 and took all my money

oh cool we can talk to yrel telepathically! time to hoist yrel. THIS IS SO SCUFFED thorne mentioned yrel and now we're trying to explain to ingrid that we have a magic talking snake charlie: I WANT TO GO HOME. thorne: we cant go, we have a GOD-KING to kill! "i think theyre insane, theyre talking to a snake" "ingrid, druids exist" "oh. im gonna go back to getting railed by my 7 foot tall girlfriend"

[sunsmitten]

     This is something that’s been bothering me lately and i feel the need to give my two cents. im starting to see homophobic comments abt gay ships on my dash and while the people saying them may not think it’s homophobic, it is. no one has to really read this, it’s just something i want to put out there. it’s my personal experience with a group of people that were very Straight Ship centered, heteronormative, and would frequently make the very same comments others are starting to make here: “gay ships are being shoved down my throat so now i hate gay shipping and want nothing to do with it” or you know, stuff along those lines. if two people rping two girls kissing or two boys kissing bothers you in any way, literally, in any way at all, it is homophobia. and here’s a good chunk of how shit like that grows and can become something very harmful;

when i very first started rping on tumblr i had made an oc ( both the oc and blog are looooong gone by now ) that wasn’t very attracted to women romantically or sexually. he didn’t define his sexuality, but throughout that blog i made it clear he wasn’t really into women.

i eventually made friends with this group of people who also rped on tumblr. in the beginning everything was fine, great and fun! but after some time they would make me feel bad for only putting my oc in a relationship with a man. in order for me to be included and not repeatedly discarded by them, i would actively have to put my oc in a ‘straight ship.’ and unfortunately, that’s what i did. i immediately noticed a difference with how they treated me when i finally shipped my guy oc with one of their girls oc’s, and i would have to repeatedly sit through them saying transphobic and homophobic comments abt other people’s ships and muses ( it was the transphobia in this community that made me leave in the first place ). they would constantly express their bitterness towards m/m and f/f shipping on the internet bc it was “more popular” than their m/f ships, and when i would try to explain how that wasn’t a good viewpoint to have, I would be ostracized, guilt tripped, and forced to apologize and ‘admit’ that i was wrong.

as i got older and more comfortable with my sexuality, i really only ever viewed/read content centered around m/m and f/f because like. im gay. and i wanna see gay shit, ya know? but that didn’t really fly with them. they’d would continuously make me feel guilty for this, call me misogynistic for liking m/m and f/f over m/f because to them being gay and wanting to see gay content makes me hate women, and i was called the big word itself. Heterophobic. 

one of the girls in particular, we’ll call her S, was very keen on telling me how awful of a person i was bc of my preference, how ‘straight shipping is oppressed’ on the internet and im only ‘feeding into the oppression.’ for 4 years she would manipulate me and make me feel guilty not only for the type of media i consumed, but for my sexuality in general. it got so bad to the point that i would have frequent panic attacks and i still got the throw up stain on my carpet to prove it ( i got one so bad bc of her i puked all over my bedroom floor and then fainted ). when i would try to reach out to the others abt what was happening behind the scenes, i’d either be ignored or my feelings were invalidated. to me, she was toxic, to everyone else, she was a wonderful friend. but that doesn’t excuse or make her treatment of me ok and it took along time for me to realize that. 

again, please keep in mind this went on for 4 years. this started when i was finally comfortable with myself and then to be thrown in and stuck in this situation bc i was too much of a coward to leave really fucks with a person. her distaste, hatefulness, and bitter attitude for gay people/characters/shipping was all taken out on me every week for 4 years. i’m doing my very best not over-dramatize this but yeah, it was every week for 4 years she would send me paragraphs of how terrible i was for just being me. how shitty i was as a person, how im a terrible friend, how the content i liked wasn’t fair to her, a straight person, that i was predatory for being a masculine identifying person looking at other guys, and how lucky i was to have a friend like her that tells me when i’m ‘in the wrong.’ 

near the end of last year she sent me another one of these multi-paragraph messages. at this point, i had finally become very aware how fucked up of a person she is and how i was never in the wrong through any of this like she originally made me believe. instead of agreeing with her and apologizing, a ended up snapping back. i told her how i felt, how she wasn’t being fair to me, and that i felt she was being very homophobic. admittedly, her response wasn’t at all like i had expected. She apologized, told me i had opened her eyes to some things and she’ll work on getting better. this made me happy! i thought that maybe we could continue our friendship without anymore of the BS. 

after that i took a good break from being online. i needed some time for myself and i needed to think some things over about my life. during this time, i realized how lax i was with S, how i let her and that whole friend group get away with so many things and i began to wonder if i should even go back. even after that talk i had with her, she was still very defensive against homosexual relationships and would get angry if someone expressed more interest in gay media than straight media. 

i was away for a good couple months, i was healing and rising above that bad mentality she forced on me. i logged out of all social media and messenger apps so there was no way her or anyone from that group could contact me. i hadn’t heard from her in months, until i received a letter in the mail. She wrote me a letter. A two paged letter. A LETTER. A REAL, WHOLE ASS LETTER. just so she can continue to try and tear me down. she started by telling me how much she missed me, a little starter paragraph kissing my ass until it, very abruptly, turned into the usual “youre shit, terrible, bad, you have no respect for me or anything i create, you hate me bc im a straight woman-” you get it. but this time i didn’t care! nothing she said in that letter got to me like it used to. the only thing that bothered me was her persistence to make me feel bad. she genuinely wanted to continue to hurt me. but with that time away and probably because i was so used to it by then, it didn’t faze me. 

i eventually went back to social media and kept my distance from that friend group. i still considered them my friends, bc when things were good, i had a lot of fun! and wanted to keep that in my life. But, I blocked S. I blocked her on everything so there’d be no way for her to contact me and if she wrote me another letter, i would simply rip it up. i made it clear i wanted to go our separate ways with no hard feelings, i didn’t talk to anyone abt what she had done. no mention whatsoever. i carried on my merry way bc i was moving past it. She did not. 

When she figured out i had blocked her, she threw a tantrum. she twisted my words and painted me as the villain by showing out of context screenshots of what i had sent in response to her second to last message ( the one before the letter ). she told the people i was still friends with that i abused her for years bc she was straight and put me on full blast on the internet. she did this because i blocked her.

it all happened in the time span of a second; i lost all my friends, i was blocked by everyone and not only called a piece of shit by her, but by everyone i still cared deeply about. i was forced to delete all my social media accounts so i wouldn’t continue to be put on blast. for a week i was upset bc really, who wouldn’t be? but after that week i realized that if these people i called my friends just took S’s word for it and were all so eager to tear me apart bc she said so, they were never my friends. they never cared about me so why should i care if im not with them anymore? it was a real eye opening moment and my dudes, im doing fucking great. im so much happier without them all in my life and i can finally do the shit i want. be gay and indulge on harmless gay content. 

so! to make the moral of the story clear. The people that are so butt hurt over gay shipping being more popular than straight shipping are people not to be trusted. it may seem unfair to lump them all into a category, and im not saying they’re all as toxic as S, but their mentality is homophobic. disliking anything gay bc it’s not straight, is homophobic. straight people are constantly represented in every source of media and if someone is bothered by the fact that gay people are indulging in gay shipping in the rpc, they are homophobic. there’s no way around it.

im still getting over S and all that she did. i know without her i wouldn't be as tough as i am now and unapologetic with what i like, but there’s a good part of me that wishes i never met her or that friend group. bc of her i struggle with my self esteem and my own internalized homophobia that only formed after i met her. i’ve come along way in the months after i officially cut myself off from them, but i know this is something that’s going to take some time. 

[laurancebian]

OKAY I WANNA ELABORATE so

ash (my oc) went to the guard academy with laurance (they also met there) and he was like the only person they really socialized with. so naturally they become besties and eventually ash is like "u like women. im a woman (but not really bc they come out as non-binary later). lets date" and laurance is like "weird but ok" then ash is like "oh im an idiot i dont like u i just think ur cool also im a lesbian haha thats so funny" and they're besties until they graduate the academy and go their separate ways

eventually they reunite in phoenix drop in s1 bc ash met aphmau on some journey during early s1 and was like ":0 is that a fucking letter oh my god where does it go let me take it" bc they're a postman after not being able to find a job as a guard in o'khasis (that's a story for another post though) and they stay in phoenix drop n reunite with laurance after he returns from the nether and things continue as normal

until towards the end of s2 when laurance is having all his issues n ash is like trying to console him and he gets irritable and is like "leave me alone ive got this you dont need to baby me" and ash is like "?!??! im trying to help you let me know how i can help you then ??" and it leads to this whole fight which ends in ash getting their ass kicked

THEN EVENTUALLY in around somewhere shortly before when s3 would begin ash is in the nether and runs into laurance. immediate fight the two try to straight up murder each other (im serious ash gets stabbed a few times and laurance almost gets baked alive in a lava lake before zenix shows up to scare ash off)

so they spend sometime apart until eventually ash comes back into the nether bc they've been killing non-sentient shadow knights after they figured out how and they're abt to get #destroyed on shad's orders who's like "i have got to do something abt u"

BUT ash manages to like barely escape (bc they got lucinda to get them a SHIT TON of strength potions) gets discovered by laurance whos like "there is someone dying on the floor. maybe i should do something" and sorta helps ash BUT when ash like regains consciousness laurance is like "ur gonna get ur ass outta here and never come back fucking loser"

but ash 1. doesnt have the strength to make it back themself bc of a curse where they're sensitive to like nether magick n stuff like that and being in the nether makes them weak when they spend too much time there and 2. refuses to leave without laurance

so ash apologizes to laurance for not respecting his boundaries and also trying to kill him and laurance is like "whatever" (and ends up accepting and apologizing in turn for almost killing them twice later)

so now ash is slowly dying in the nether and manages to convince laurance to leave with them then they leave and they're besties again

also i revamped my old aphmau oc i made like 6 years ago and. things r different now. i sabotaged their relationship with laurance for funsies bc. in their original version they were dating laurance and i was like "i can work with that"

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

[etomia]

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

You want breakfast? 

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

Awkwardly avoiding each other and not showing that we had a thing or the weird chemistry we have when we have to be at the same social situation. 

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

are they still living their life and not going to sell all our stuff or rob people for the drugs? yes? then I ain’t bothered.

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

No

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

I have never successfully expressed wanting someone without fucking it up at some point, but yeah definitely.

7. What does your last received text say?

see you at home :)

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

More than 50 times

9. Where was your last kiss at?

In their lounge.

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

I saw my half sister at countdown the other day.

11. What do you drink in the morning?

Earl grey

12. Where did you sleep last night?

Middle of my queen sized bed.

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

Yes and no. It should be pretty easy if its the right person platonic or otherwise, but disagreements happen and sometimes life is messy and in those times when people get spiky its hard to maintain total love and understanding. Totally worth the hard work sometimes.

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

Yeah id workout more, read more, and i would’ve tried harder to see things the way they actually are not what i’m afraid they are.

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

Yeah we aren’t talking to each other bc they can’t decide what the thing we have is to them . I won’t wait around like a lost puppy for anyone anymore like i did with her 

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

Rainy

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

yeah my cousin alessia

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jorts

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

I’d like to think so but i’m not fussed if that doesn’t haooen

20. Does anyone like you?

platonically? a few people. 

romantically? i think one or two

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

Sarah. Simon. Saskia. Simone. Sam. Sebastian. Shay. Sophie. Siobhan. 

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

nope they’re bi

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

there’s a list.

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

shit fam i have a list of them that i want but zero dollars for them

25. In the past week have you cried?

yeah a couple times

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

pomeranian the teacup sized variety 

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

out of wtf

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

not a pro footballer but a few guys and girls ive kissed played on school teams 

29. Do you think you’re old?

not physically im mentally weary 

30. Do you like text messaging?

yeah

31. What type of day are you having?

lazy typical and kinda boring

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

again yeah but i have zero dollars

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

warm

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

i have a limited amount of male figures in my life. 

I guess Cam (who is sort of a father figure).

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

Right now a fling or a series of them. But im open to the idea of a relationship.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

I’m complex.

37. What song are you listening to?

Seven Devils by florence + the machine

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

9/10 times the other time im having to apologise to those with power over me for things that really don’t matter 

39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

There’s 3 of them. 40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

Their drunken rendition of light my fire, but i already liked them we’ve grown up around each other. 41. When did you last receive a text message?

an hour ago 42. What is wrong with you right now?

im isolated and self conscious. I worry about not being able to succeed at uni  43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

she’s practically my mom 44. Does anyone disgust you?

So many. 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

Yeah but it depends who it is obviously. 46. Are you in a good mood right now?

I’m pretty chilled out rn. 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

housemate 48. What color shirt are you wearing?

purple 49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

yeah a couple of people 50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

No i got rid of all of those people a long time ago. 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

No they are still very dear to me. I still love them.

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

yeah but then i did eventually. 53. Do you like rain?

love it love the way it smells love standing in it 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

no 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

bro....all the time i can think of 2 people right now 56. Do you like to cuddle?

i am a koala mate i love me some cuddles 57. Are you shy?

shy to start but when i get going no 58. Do you get along with girls?

historically no something always happens.  59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

no 60. What do you carry with you at all times?

claddagh ring? deep sense of self loathing? absurd hope and romanticism? 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

yeah i ain’t afraid of no ghost (also i have sage and black tourmaline) 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

definitely  63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

with my hand. 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

yes ugh so fluffy 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

my housemate made me crepes 

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

22 19 18

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

get them done      68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

zebra 69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

i dont have a car 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?  

lil wayne   71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone? 

iPhone    72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

5 years ago 73. Do you like diet soda?    

no 74. What color are the walls in your room?  

off white   75. Are you 16 or older?   

yes  76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    

I’ve seen too much im invested til the end 77. Do you have a job?    

nope   78. What are your initials?   

RGN  79. Did you ever have braces?  

not yet fucking orthodontist said i couldn’t get them till my wisdom teeth come down   80. Are you from the south?    

I feel this is more of an america question but nope im a westie

81. What does your last status on facebook say?  

  star emojis great festival 82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    

hahaha fuck no  83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

neither we don’t speak 84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

i did both before i broke my knees 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    

Asassins creed 86. Do you smoke?    

socially a few durries or some joints

87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

heels 88. Is your phone touch screen?    

yes 89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? 

straight    90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    

quite a lot 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

lake 92. Have you ever made out in a car?  

yes   93. …Had sex in a car?    

uhhhh does a campervan count? 94. Are you single or in a relationship?   

single  95. What were you doing last night at midnight? 

sleeping    96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?   

new years  97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

yeah 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

a few times but it doesn’t really work out 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

i try not to but a few times 100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?  

yeah the old wolfpack   101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

once but then i remembered i was infertile because of my pcos and laughed 102. Name your favorite Kesha song:   

 take it off 103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    

my bikini is etched into my back 104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?    

heck yes i can serve you daisy duke realness bih