#ill be baking bread to see if i can eat that -- store bought stuff is just not possible rn

[nicomacheannothing]

11-26-2020

It has officially been the weirdest Thanksgiving ever. In this weird way, I feel like the “2020 Numb” is kind of keeping me sane.  I was up until 2:30 baking cookies the night before. It would’t have taken so long if we had gotten started earlier, but we needed apple cider and caramel vodka. The vodka was sold out everywhere except this one party store on Drake where they had one bottle left. The cider mill was closed, so we ended up driving all over creation looking for cider too. Austin’s parents wanted us to pick up pizza so we could have a quick dinner, then also have leftovers for when Mady and Julius came into town. I got confused and ordered the wrong pizza. I felt bad about that so I used my own money to buy them the one they actually wanted. That was kind of annoying cause I’ve been spending waaayyy too much money lately on Holiday stuff. It was my fault though. Oops. So after pizza we made cookies; my first time ever making cookies from scratch! We did chocolate raspberry espresso chip and apple cider. The chocolate ones were amazing, but the texture of the apple cider ones wasn’t quite right because we messed up the glaze. They tasted good though!  The next morning (Thanksgiving morning) I got up before my parents and I rearranged the living room to set it up for Thanksgiving festivities. I decorated the dining room table with flowers and lights and I set up a pin board covered in family photos. I wanted my mom to wake up and see all of that stuff and be cheered up. She had a hard week and she gets little sad around the holidays anyway. 

She loved the decor, but told me that Ben might not be coming home after all because he was still waiting on the results of his COVID test. That would suck, but we hadn’t started cooking yet, so we could just make a smaller batch of food and then FaceTime him for dinner. NBD.... then, as I sat down in my room to eat breakfast, my mom knocked on my door and poked her head in. “Ben has COVID”, she said.  At first, I thought I had heard her wrong. My whole family has been so, so lucky up until now. I didn’t hear wrong though. Ben got his test results back that morning and he was positive. We immediately FaceTimed him to see how he was doing. He confessed to us that he had actually been feeling really sick for the past couple weeks, but didn’t think it was COVID. He’s on medication for ulcerative colitis that prevents inflammation. Lung inflammation is what causes a lot of the nasty respiratory symptoms of COVID and Ben’s medication prevented that from happening. He thought it might just be some other bug that he caught at one of the handful of gigs he played last month. Nope. It was the Coronavirus. He was optimistic, saying that he was feeling better recently and thought he was at the end of the illness. Of course, this meant that he couldn’t come home, obviously.  My parents and I decided to skip Thanksgiving and drive to Detroit to drop Ben a care package. It kind of evolved into 3 boxes of groceries haha. Dad and I both went to the store. I walked home with what must’ve been 15 pounds of stuff because Ben wasn’t going out and was low on food. Dad also bought him a Star Wars lego set to play with. I bought him a “Happy Thanksgiving” balloon to attach to the pile. One of the most amazing things about my family is that, if one of us in trouble, the rest of us spring into action, no questions, no conditions, no complaints. It’s just always been like that. We always make things work like that... we threw all of our stuff and the dog into the car and hit the road. My Thanksgiving dinner ended up being a piece of leftover cheese bread from the pizza I had with the Browns. I guess it was good that we had extra.  When we got to Ben’s apartment, we dropped the boxes off on his doorstep and FaceTimed him as he opened them. There was a moment, as I was heading back to the car, where Ben opened his door so we could see each other for a second from 6 feet away. I was happy to see that he was ok, but it was also sad and weird that we could only communicate from behind a door. I know that we’re still really lucky, but it’s one of those moments that I never in a million years expected to have. 

Ben liked all the stuff we got him of course. Especially the Legos :p  He told us that he was planning on getting another test this coming Monday and, if it was negative, he would come home next weekend. I really hope he’s right and he’s at the tail end of the infection. He told us about how weird it was to not be able to smell or taste. He just wouldn’t eat because everything tasted like cardboard, then he’d feel worse from not eating. Horrible shit. 

When we got home, my parents were tired and basically just chilled for the rest of the night. I did make myself a caramel vodka apple cider drink and had a piece of pie... cause it was still Thanksgiving and I needed to have something fun haha. Then, I started baking and cooking for the Thanksgiving “party” I was going to have with the Browns the next day. I made carrot cake cupcakes and these crispy parmesan potatoes. Both turned out really well. 

The party was a blast too. We played Fireball Island, but turned it into a drinking game with Fireball whiskey. :p I also danced a lot cause Mady and I were DJ-ing the whole night. :p Austin and I crashed at, like, 2am and I ended up falling asleep in his old childhood room... which is still exactly as it was when he was in high school in the early 2000s. His mom wants to change it up and make it another guest room, but I love that room. He and I were laying in there until 6am talking about music and plasma TVs. I was still pretty drunk, I think, but there was something magical about the whole scene... it was like something out of a movie haha. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go back to the rest of my life with all of the stress and worry. I just wanted to lay there in the teen room with him forever. But that wasn’t possible, of course.  When I got back home, my parents had accidentally locked the storm door, which I don’t have a key to. I had to climb into my bedroom window, still living my best adolescent life, apparently :p  It was a weird weekend, but there were some amazing moments. Ben told me on Saturday that he’s feeling better. Hopefully his test tomorrow will come back negative and he can come home. COVID sucks. I’m so sick of people not wearing masks and acting like fools. It’s a real thing, people. I just want to Pandemic to be over. At least I have a good circle of people that I can spend time with. We always find ways to make things bearable. My parents take action and do things to change the situation... the Browns just say “fuck it, let’s just have fun while we can”. I need a little of both in my life, I think. I’m really glad that I have it. I’m really thankful for both of my families <3

[selfawarenesscat1994]

accidental long post

i dont normally put trigger warnings but this post speaks a lot about food/binge eating. and i kinda just went off on one haha. talk of money.

im sitting in the office writing this at work cus my boss told me to do the holidays but im done but i need to vent, the store is abso quite and i just need some time to myself.

i have money! 

oh my god the relief. 

im still gonna be struggling til the end of this month but its not as bad as its been through jan which has been fucking HELL because ive obv been doing my manager job and having all this worry/stress ontop ov it.

i paid my rent +fee and i have enough to cover my bills! !!!!

i bought a bus pass but im gonna probably walk to work when the weather gets less horrible as i acctually didnt mind the walk after a while and i felt a lot fitter adding that exercise into my daily routine. before dropping out of uni, i got quite bad for being the type of person who would go to the gym once or twice a week and justify a lazy existence because of that. the bus is terrible but its the difference of walking 6 miles and being out of the house for like 12 hours a day or whatever and taking a 10 minute bus journey from straight outside my work almost to my front door. 

i ordered new earphones becus mine are not working. they were like 6 quid but so worth it. i went into my favourite cosmetic shop and got some nice stuff for my face as its got so flaky and dry and sore. i bought some new combs, not a great expense, no but the last thing on my list of cheap stuff when i didnt hve any money. my hair is short and tuggy and thisll help. i went into a cheaper cosmetics store and bought a lot of cheap shampoo/conditioner, sanitry products n whatnot. i never used to stockpile these so i ended up at the beginning of jan with nothing, i bought a cheap bar of soap for my body and used some of my flatmates stuff (but its expensive so i did it like once a week max). its so nice to have product. its something i never throught was something id miss cos theyre so essntial but i got to the point where i couldnt really afford them because i had bills going out and had to keep my money for other things.

the front door of the flat is drafty so i got the flat a draft exludor on the way. yay.

ive consumed more food/calories in the past day than i probably have in a couple of years - apart from at christmas. last night i bought a milkshake after work. it was thick and tasty and amazing. on my walk home i also bought a bottle of irn bru, which wasnt as good cus i forgot they changed the receipe but ive not drank fizzy drinks regularly in a 

i thought it was gonna be enough to fill me up but my body suddenly decided it really wanted to binge and treat myself.

i odered a med pizza with two sides and cookies when i got home from work. i just stuffed my face and ate it all. it was glorious. i went out with my flatmate a bit later and i bought quite a big shop with fresh food but also a lot of tinned/frozen things bcus i know i will be poor at the end of the month. i binged on salad items at like midnight. i ate two eggs, a whole freaking cucumber and pack of tomatoes, along with half a red pepper, a carrot, some spring onion and spinach. fresh food never felt so good. i had fruit and a bagel wiv creme cheese for my breakfast this morning. ive not had breakfast in about 6 months because when i started uni i got so stressed i couldnt eat in the morning and then i couldnt really afford to. and i gave myself some money today to get some lunch. i planned on buying one of those salad meal deals but i ended up at subway, i only got a 6 inch tough cos i think i may have died if i got anything bigger. i did however get 3 cookies on offer, ive only ate one as of yet but the other two are staring me down right now. i was so tempted to go to mcdonalds but i would have binged too hard. my poor stomach which i mentioned before had became a lot flatter probs due to lack of food/a lot of walking is so bloated.  i was wearing quite a loose fitting shirt to work and you can just see this big round boi now. customers will think im pregnant fuck me. but its a good bloat. but as i also mentioned ive gained a bit of weight and in the past 24 hours ive probably put on about a stone haha. i probably lost around three inches from my tummy in the past coupla months and now its about 6 inches rounder haha. 

i honestly dont regret it. i think if this was a regular thing and i did stuff like this a lot i would probably be different and feel horrible but it was great. i loved all this good food. 

im gonna go back to reasonable spending now/eating now. i have some spicy carrot soup i made a fortnight ago in the freezer so im gonna heat the rest of that up tonight for me and my flatmate, if i even feel up for eating and tomorrow i will probably enjoy a cheeky but healthy fruit salad for my working lunch.

sucks my brother took out a loan but im splitting his repayments and we can both afford to pay it off, im sure you can even pay it off wholly early (for a fee though) so i could even do that in a few months time cos i already know ill be due a tax refund, i paid so much tax @ my last jobs before i quit them for uni and ill be taxed here but i didnt earn over the threshold due to my break and il be due loadddss back, so we will see.

im gonna donate at the end of the month to some people on here, im not gonna really examine who ‘deserves it most’ and just do it randomly tbh. thanks to the people who donated to me, it e a lot but it did help as i mentioned before.

sidenote below

sidenote - i dont have an eating disorder. i just binged today and yesterday because ive not been able to enjoy the food i like. 

ive always had a bit of a weird relationship with food because ive never been thin and have had some disordered tendancies but nothing thats effected my overall health massively. ive been on countless diets thrughout my life. i dont particularly act like that anymore cos it can be dangerous. id only go on a ‘diet’ if my health was really bad, if i was terribly overweight or if another health condition made me alter my diet. ive also a lot of reckless times where ive just not thought about what ive eat... queue the time i ate a whole selection box and half a tub of ben and jerries for my lunch or the time i only ate a loaf and a half of bread in a day and though ‘ah this is enough calories its fine’. but i think thats moreso bpd. if ive been having a bad time with my mental health i wont care about whats being put in my body. but its not been driven through a desrie to be thinner/bigger ever.

 ive been poor recently and not been living on the best of foods (will probably explain why ive gained weight) but i have been mostly cooking from scratch using frozen meat/fish/veg and tined foods (thank god for bootstrap cooking, am i right???), on occasion i bought fresh veg or meat but thats it. the rest of the food i was eating when i was poor and well still will be eating for the next month was and i try to limit this because i know its really unhealthy has been instant ramen/noodles/soups/rice, breaded frozen meat and frozen garlic bread and chips. snackwise its been like those 10p packs of buiscuits and ive also been baking when i can mostly using my flatmates stuff. if my flatmate was making food and had excess id sometimes have some if she offered but thats been it.