#if your're wanting to read coherent sentences maybe skip over my tags...

[serpentine-owl]

Honestly, this one is tricky for me. I completely understand where op is coming from, I've had a similar thought in the past (especially the addition about coining new terms). I think for me personally my aroace identities is just that; two separate identities that happen to overlap and compliment the other, such that they fall into one another to come under one label.

Sometimes I'll say that I'm aroace. Other times it'll be asexual. Occasionally it's aromanitc. (Most of the time it's simply queer). All three of these identities cause me to think about and interact with the world in vastly different ways. How I think about things as an asexual person is different to how I think about things as an aromantic person, which is different to how I think about things as an aroace person. I have different thoughts depending on my perspective. Sometimes these thoughts are coherent across my identities, and sometimes there's conflict. Because of this, I can't claim that they're the same thing for me. They're different, but I don't think I could fully understand any one of them in isolation.

Conceptualizing Aroace Identity

Something that has always frustrated me as an aroace is the way aroace identity is portrayed or conceptualized by other people. I think most of us would agree that being aroace isn’t always as simple as “I’m both aromantic and asexual.” There are an infinite number of ways to conceptualize one’s own aroace identity, and it’s going to be different for every person.

The relationship between my aromanticism and my asexuality is constantly shifting, so there’s a chance I’ll read this post tomorrow and feel differently, but personally I’m uncomfortable framing my aroace-ness as a duality. You see, being aroace is weird. Because in some ways, aromanticism and asexuality are two sides of the same coin, in the same way that panromanticism and pansexuality are. But in some ways, they’re also opposites, and because of the aspec community’s (understandable) use of the SAM, people don’t often think of being aroace as a single unit. Aroaces, due to the nature of aspec identity and community, are the only perioriented people who are expected to frame our identity in terms of the SAM. And to some extent, I understand why that is. Aromanticism and asexuality are different, and I would never try to argue that they’re the same thing. But I think for a lot of aroace people, they are the same, or at least they’re part of a single whole, rather than a conglomeration of two independent identities. For many of us, we’re not aro/ace, or aro and ace, we’re aroace. The distinction, at least to me, matters.

There are a lot of ways to think of aroace identity, and for me personally, I’m comfortable calling myself either just aro, or specifically aroace as a unit; I don’t at all vibe with identifying solely as ace, even if I do consider myself ace. I realize that’s strictly personal, and there are many aroaces who feel the exact opposite. I’m not trying to insinuate that any way of conceptualizing one’s aroace identity is better or more valid than any other; identity is personal. I do, however, think that there is a conversation we’re not having, and that’s how to carve out aroace spaces, especially as aro and ace communities rightfully become more and more distinct. Full disclosure, I spend most of my time in aro spaces (hence this blog), and I consider my aromanticism a more impactful part of my identity than my asexuality. But they’re still connected, and I think that intersection is important.

So here’s my hot take: aroace can be a non-SAM identity.

“But Techno!” you may be crying out, “How can aroace be a non-SAM identity if it inherently has both aro and ace in it?”

The short answer is that we can use language to mean whatever we want it to mean. The long answer is I just don’t think it’s fair that we should have to conceive of our romantic and sexual orientations as different when they don’t feel different, when no other perioriented people have to do that. So maybe being aroace doesn’t have to be inherently predicated on the SAM. Personally, I do find the SAM useful in some ways, but that mostly has to do with community relations and less to do with how being aroace actually feels to me. It’s a blurry distinction for a lot of us. So let’s carve out spaces where it’s allowed to be blurry. Being aroace is a uniquely positioned identity, and we should embrace that, and use the language we have in the way that makes the most sense for us, individually.

Other aroaces, please chime in with your thoughts. How do you personally conceptualize your identity?

(I would ask that if you’re not aroace, you please refrain from commenting, but reading and reblogging this would still be much appreciated!)