#if you're a gay man like i am theres some levels to it

[fite-club]

Is it normal to have some vanity make you afraid of transition? I see so much rhetoric on here about loving yourself despite potential hair loss, weight gain, etc, and while I can find those qualities attractive in other men I really don’t want them for myself. I’m going to be talking about this extensively with a doctor but tumblr does kinda make me feel bad about having these concerns and still wanting to feel attractive for myself post transition, even if I’ll feel more comfortable in my gender presentation. It’s hard to want to bring things like gaining more muscle, losing weight, etc etc, on a site that can makes you feel like wanting a healthy amount of those things is wrong— so it can be really hard to talk about

THAT IS NORMAL!!! and i get what you're saying with the "this is hard to talk about" thing, i think the explanation is in the "i can find these attractive in other men but i don’t really want them for myself" part. it's hard to dunk on yourself or certain traits without other people like you or with those traits taking some collateral damage. but that's something you should keep in mind-- that you will always be way more judgemental and scrutinizing towards your own body than anyone else ever will (or should).

anyway, your general shape won't change that much (unfortunately for us short kings), and it certainly won't be immediate. the changes happen so gradually that you metaphorically and literally grow into them. it's hard to imagine what you'll look like years in the future, but by the time you're actually there, you'll feel more comfortable with your body than you ever have. it's hard to articulate just how much HRT improves your self-image as a trans person, not even because it's that drastic of changes, but because the changes mean that when you look in the mirror you start to see more of yourself. dysphoria will always be a struggle for us but nothing beats feeling at home in your own skin. that's where the "confidence is attractive" comes in. you MIGHT get male pattern baldness early, you MIGHT gain weight and struggle to build muscle, you WILL get stinky and acne-prone and squeaky-voiced temporarily. so what? none of that shit actually matters if you're an honest person with a decent sense of compassion and self-respect (or at least, working on it). those are the hottest traits a person can have! besides being trans, obviously

[drdemonprince]

this will sound like one of those "let men be masculine" level niche internet community brained posts, but i honestly really was embarrassed of how much i like drag for a while. in the circles that i run in, liking drag too much is seen as pretty cringey and for wealthy cis gays. like everybody knows a few cool avante garde local performers that they fuck with who run queer dance parties that are inclusive and the like, but very few people that i know will just go to a drag show at an entertainment or social engagement for their own sake. it's almost seen as a tourist thing, a normie gay thing.

but its one of the few spaces where i can actually recognize a lot of feminine men and nonbinary man-thing-girly-freaks like of the particular type that i am. leather bars are so masc and buff and im often invisible. bear bars are really nice and i do feel welcome there! but people are only feminine in their mannerisms, not presentation very often. the more explicitly gender inclusive trans/queer spaces cater to more of a wlw and adjacent crowd whose relationships to masculinity and femininity are different from mine. circuit gay bars are obviously terrible.

drag is nice. there's guys with weird little haircuts and long earrings who aren't buff and are swishy and dress interestingly but are a little uncomfortable as their regular selves and have to don alternate personas in order to be outgoing. and i even like that it's okay to be bitchy and insulting sometimes in drag world, like sometimes that is just your genuine feedback on the work someone has done and it's not the end of the world. there's lot of open conflict in the drag world that actually works out pretty alright.

it's a local nightlife scene like all the rest, its got its theater kid bullshit and egos and superficiality out the ass and so many people are trying to be famous or make money, but even to this day i forget that i can just be a really weird feminine guy until i'm around some of them and watching them prance about. i worry about how i look or am being read and then even just watching a fucking drag race episode i'll see like 9 different guys who are so fucking androgynous with their weird assymetrical self cut haircuts that they pass less than i do and they're cis men. they have bodies or faces like i do. and in the local scene it's obviously even better because you're looking at real life people. maybe i should be over it by now but im not, i need to see weird little awkward feminine guys with funny outfits playing dress up and crying and fighting with one another because they never got over their last picked in gym class baggage. its meeee i relateee. i even like that its a little toxic! we've got some issues out here, let's joke with them and make a character of them instead of pretending to be nice!!

i tend to be pretty skeptical of "representation matters!" type shit but part of that is probably because i never really feel represented. i know, boo hoo, thin white man doesnt feel depicted on screen, sounds very silly. but then i see kade gottmik on drag race and i swell with emotion and suddenly feel like who i am is POSSIBLE in this world and i realize that even with all my privileges i am starved for representation and that it does benefit you to have it. theres trans guys on screen but thats not close enough to ping that ooh!!! ahh!!! i can love myself!! radar for me. it has to be a very particular kinda person. matt bernstein makes me feel similarly

[vilonnie]

misc p5 replay thoughts from me mumbling to myself like a madman

I never noticed that makoto only calls out to "panther!" when okumuras palace is crumbling and not like, "you guys!" or "joker!" or anything. That's actually kind of an interesting writing choice to me... why only ann? her endless compassion here seems to be compelling her to stay by haru's side instinctively, which is more subtle writing than I'm used to from persona but it's honestly a really nice touch. I love you panther so so much <33 Well it's either that or it's Makoto and Ann having gay tunnel vision in every scene again lmao

Was muttering to myself in annoyance about how akechi had to pick the one and only time to kill okumura when that would absolutely screw the workers over and accidentally said out loud "not that you're ever actually making any of these choices. Bark Bark." and startled myself into a fit of laughter. guys I think I may be Evil

By the way does anyone know if akechi is available to level his confidant during okumura? Like I know he's in kichijoji but if you go up to him does he hang out or does it just trigger some dialogue about how he can't or smth because I was wondering if the public hate he receives during that arc would lock out his confidant... I mean I guess it's not like it would affect my playthroughs since I am um. obviously not exactly bothering to check But,

Why are the SIU director and not-hawkmoth always bragging about the child they are making kill people bitch I'm gonna smack you over the head with that potted plant

SIU director looks like a moisturized nightmare before christmas character btw (derogatory)

Why does he say that the mental shutdown will happen "at just the right time" what can akechi. can he. does he control when the shutdowns happen when he uses call of chaos w/ loki?? literally how else would any of them know this hello sir What Do You Mean.

Every time the phantom thieves get carried away and start going batshit about something Yusuke is always there like "no we have to remain calm and keep a level head I have a terrible feeling about this situation" and then I'm always like joker u have to kiss that boy on the mouth with tongue right now. If nobody's got me I know Fox has got me etc etc

Was in the Thieves den and in one conversation yusuke tried to ask ann if she thought captain kid or ryuji or w/e looked cool as a pirate and her answer was "oh well I guess a lady pirate would be kind of cool!" in another conversation futaba asked if morganas feelings were getting through to her and she was like "of course he's a great friend!!" it didn't even occur to her. I love you lesbian.

This is stupid but when maruki was talking in leblanc and he said "I hit a wall [in my research]" my immediately instinctive reaction was "did you break through it with the monabus?" anyway I think you guys need to shoot me in the head

I loooooove marukis dialogue about how the cruelty of the world makes it seem pointless to help however few people you are able to reach since there's so much suffering and it's all overwhelming and demoralizing, I think it really feeds into the theme later on in acedia about how easy it is for people to just want to give up because trying again and again every day to make any of this better feels like so so so much and it's a struggle to remember that you have to keep trying no matter what even though it would be so easy to just surrender... wauauaggh

I didn't notice the first time that the birds in marukis palace are all. smaller black birds so li. so like a cr. I'm gonna throw up

THERES MEMENTOS DIALOGUE WHERE FOX SAYS HE SAW A VIDEO OF A MAN OPENING A DOOR WITH A LEWD DANCE AND MAKOTOS FUCKING RESPONSE IS "Ok Skull you get in there! :D" COMPLETELY EARNESTLY MAKOTO WHAT. why does she say that sjgjdofkfkfkf I love her so so so so so much I wish everyone in the world appreciated how Sillay she is

I get so fucking jumpscared literally every single time I reach that bit towards the end of okumura where akechi just shows up at leblanc unprompted help. why are you in my house?? nobody invited you or anything I'm gonna have a heart attack dudeeee

[murlocks]

hello I'm your competitor in the failboy contest and please tell me about Jeremy I want to hear about your cringefail vampire guy if you're okay talking about him

HI okay yes im always okay talking about him i made a propaganda post abt him but i can probably think up more to say i always have more to say about him

first things first: i hate him. (/pos) i want to wrap him in a rug and roll him down a flight of stairs he is an absolute wet paper bag of a man and i am never not thinking about him.

hes an absolute pussy but hes also an adrenaline junkie so he purposefully provokes his murderous cannibalistic vultureguy boyfriend simply for the entertainment. hes gay and god wont let him die so he finds getting an attractive man to try and kill him quite the emotionally fulfilling activity. asher (his boyfriend) is a little bit fucked up (/pos) so he goes along with it but they both know jeremy will be completely fine its stress relief for both of them tbh

second: some backstory. fair warning for like . vampire-typical religious trauma?? i dunno tbh

he was raised in like . a classic religious town and he was very much a juvenile delinquent so ppl around town didnt really like him and it only got worse when he got turned bc of course everyone in that town was raised to think that vampires were horrible abominations that go against god or whatever stupid shit you can think of theyve probably been taught that. so he kinda internalized all that and obviously when he got turned against his will he had a horrible crisis of faith and was questioning what he did to deserve this fate. obviously if vampires are bad and hes a vampire that means hes bad and he did something to deserve getting turned into one. yeah that boys a little fucked up in the head.

he got chased out of town once he was discovered to be a vampire. after he got turned, he went back home and locked himself away for about a week trying to process it and didnt come out bc he felt like shit physically (obviously, he literally just died and got turned into a vampire, i would feel a little ill about it too) but eventually his like . one singular friend he had in town came to check on him because hed been missing for a while and he told them everything because he thought he could trust them, he told them "there was this guy who attacked me a couple nights ago and i passed out and i woke up in the middle of the street the next morning and the sun hurt and ive been so hungry ever since but none of the food ive eaten has helped and i dont know whats going on. everything hurts and i feel so sick i dont know whats wrong" and his friend is like. Oh. Oh Fuck . and they run off under the guise of finding him medicine/food/whatever but of course instead of doing what they said they would they go straight to one of the towns religious leaders and they gather up a bunch of people to either kill him or chase him out of town.

he escapes, narrowly, but now hes got nowhere to go. hes never left his little town, he has no family or friends to go to, hes basically screwed. he finds himself wandering for days on end just kinda contemplating his life (and beating himself up for getting turned in the first place, because OBVIOUSLY its gotta be his fault somehow. he mustve done something wrong for his friend to be so eager and ready to turn on him its gotta be his fault) and eventually he stumbles upon this little desert town in the middle of nowhere. theres a big old abandoned mansion on a cliff overlooking the town, and, of course, jeremy, the overdramatic (like, theater kid levels of dramatic) idiot that he is, goes, "oh! thats perfect! ill live there!"

and he lives there pretty much undisturbed for approximately 20 years. he has absolutely zero human contact because hes scared of hurting people and he subsists off animal blood from the meager livestock the townspeople own. hes not doing too hot mentally of course, hes a trainwreck with literally nothing to do but sit alone in his house and listen to his own thoughts, but he survives, at least.

until, one day, asher, (my boyfriends oc), one very curious citizen of the nearby town, accepts a dare to go explore the abandoned mansion at the top of the cliff. theres rumors spreading that its haunted, and surely he would earn some respect from his peers if he could survive a night there, right? he can prove theres nothing too dangerous there at all.

until he opens the door. and awakens a very disgruntled vampire from his midday nap.

and the rest is history.

part three: boyfriend endeavors. serious warning for violence and vampire-typical "cannibalism" and less vampire-typical Actual Fucking Cannibalism. also fair warning jeremy and ashers relationship dynamic is more than a little fucked up but theyre both aware of it and its all fully consensual because they are both more than a little fucked up

for a while, they both believe the other is a Completely Normal Guy (albeit, asher is a seemingly Normal Guy with massive fuck-off bird wings and jeremy is. well hes jeremy, but still) until one night jeremy is out and about trying to find some source of food in the town, climbing across rooftops and shit and all of a sudden he stumbles upon asher, elbows deep in a human corpse and absolutely covered in blood. he has the end of a bone sticking out of his mouth. this is completely normal Asher Behavior but jeremy is not aware of that. he loses his footing on the roof he is standing on and goes tumbling down into the street.

asher turns around to look at him and hes got this crazed look on his face and jeremy is just staring at him trying to figure out what the fuck hes supposed to say in this situation because he just fucking walked in on his one and only friend literally Eating A Person but he has no room to judge and asher looks more attractive covered in blood than he has any right to be and jeremy does not have time to unpack all that.

so, after a solid minute of staring at each other, jeremy goes "so. uh. you gonna finish that?" and asher bursts out laughing.

he explains his whole vampire situation and asher explains that he does not have any such situation hes just a bit fucked up and he enjoys eating bones. you know what, fuck it, hes a vulture guy, it makes sense. kinda. whatever. jeremy cant judge.

at this point in time, jeremy is still very much ashamed of who and what he is. he is more than aware that the animal blood he is surviving off of is not very nutritious whatsoever and if he wants any type of proper quality of life hes gonna have to feed off of an actual human person someday. hes not looking forward to it. but asher is just?? fucking sitting there?? eating literal human bones just because he feels like it????? and jeremy doesnt know how to process that. hes morally opposed to it but instinctually he knows thats what he should be doing. and from there on out asher actively endeavors to get jeremy to be less catholic guilt-y about the whole thing. he genuinely doesnt give a fuck and it gives him a headache to see jeremy being all stressed about it so he makes it his life mission to absolutely destroy that boys morals. and it works. it fucking works.

asher is such a horrible influence and he has made jeremy so much worse from an outsider standpoint but jeremys mental health is so much better with ashers involvement in his life and theyre so horrible for each other but theyre also a perfect match. they drive me insane.

ive probably missed a lot in this post and i have so much more i could say about him and asher but thats whats on my brain right now. theyre both so fucked up i hate them (/pos)

[pleckthaniel]

...

[pasta-and-hedgehogs]

So my friend is basically gonna get with the man I have a crush on 🙃🥲🤡 She flirts with him so much Its not even funny and like is he a straight man who will never like me because im amab yes but it still hurts. I now get paranoid that this friend is going to tell my crush that I liked him and im sure she already has because she talks shit about literally everyone and im sure ive been talked about and shes told all of my secrets to whoever the fuck she has decided is bffl this month. I feel like im being irrational but like I feel like she likes that im jealous of her like she tells me details like how he calls her good girl and princess and I just hate it. Also the man made a joke about being eternally single 😐😑😐 what the actuall fuck actually eat shit idk if that was because they didnt want one of their friends to know they they are doing their weird fucking fliting but honestly like that drove me up the wall like you have a list of what this person likes and it has shit on like neck kisses fuck all the way off. All in all im sick of heteros (even tho the girl is omni and not actually a girl and is genderfluid but she doesnt respect my fucking gender in any fucking way like I doubt she even can remember what it is at this point well it has recently changed but thats besides the point ahe just treats me like a cis gay man when I think im enby but shes too self absorbed to fucking notice) I dont know how true and valid some of these thought and feelings are and I think ive created this narrative where she is out to get me but that might be my obsessive delusional ass being obsessive and delusional. Honestly I really need to stop and I think I may have to talk to my friend and say its quite hard for me to listen to shit about your to be realtionship with the straight guy I have a crush on and I want to tell her like if she tells him that I have had a crush on him It would be the end of our friendship and by that I mean I will literally cause shit like talking behind peoples back kinda shit before I peace out honestly like I build up this big almost conspiracy level delusion in my head but when I actually spend time with her we are like nice and friendly I honestly dont know why Im getting this worked up like I'm trying to find hobbies but I can only crochet so many granny squares before I have to actually address the problem and I dont wven know what to call it me being possessive over a man who at this point probably forgets I exist 90% of the time. Ps I am feeling so annoying like because i feel so shitty im going between being overly complainy to my friends and thwn overcompensating and just failing ro make jokes im now convinced everyone hates me and I just start to spiral and then I feel like people dont want to be around me because Im spiraling even more and now I just want to get lost in the woods and become a urban legend of a witch who doesnt do anything but like is just really scary. Theres been a lot said and none of it productive honestly in my melodrama era and no matter how good of an album it is I need to stop. Anyway if anyone does read this sorry or you're welcome I dont know your life you may enjoy the rambling that are borderline trauma dumping of a stipid bitch but anyway thank you for listening my imaginary audience.