#if you recognise yourself feel free to add stuff if no don't it's my life not yours and this is the internet you can scroll away

[intravenous-paranoia]

Realising that i could have developed normally if only my caregivers noticed and corrected my behaviour or just like gave me support and showed me how to cope with the world that was not built for a kid like me, but NO, THAT WAS TOO MUCH.

All i got was physical/emotional/sexual abuse and proof for my developing brain that i was correct in my actions and that authority figures or anyone presenting themselves with your "best interest" in mind can't be trusted with anything.

Being hostile and agressive towards kids who were mildly annoying to me? Perfectly okay in my eyes and in the eyes of those around me because i could be calmed down by getting isolated from my peers and being made to do puzzles instead of playing.

On the same note, not being in any peer group/being isolated? Perfect for everyone around me since they didn't have to deal with me and others didn't have to play or acknowledge a "weird" kid.

Abusing small animals? Totally okay, nobody cares about butterflies or mice or whatever small forest animal dying anyways.

Being agressive towards myself? It was almost fucking supported since i deserved to be punished anyways for being born wrong/existing/not fitting in the expected norms.

Lies, manipulation and stealing? No one noticed or cared enough to stop me and teach me a better way. Or if they did i once again got isolated from everyone and got left alone to deal with it however my young brain could without any help or input.

I could have grown up into an adult without trauma or these maladaptive behavioures but no :). And now everyone blames me for it because, clearly, this is a choice that you make and not something that stems from deeper issues that could have been somewhat corrected. It just makes me extremly angry. And everyone expects you to change overnight and become this "normal" person that they have in their head and honestly that is an even bigger drive to just avoid people or lie to them because why change now? Nobody cared before so why would they now? They had a shot and they fucked up. But eh whatever, this is just a dissapointed rant because some shit resurfaced.