#if you had asked me this morning 'hey jess are you gonna write some self-insert sports rpf

[idiopathicsmile]

a sports movie

me: (straightening my black-and-white striped ref shirt thoughtfully) ok so both teams seem to really want the ball

me: like, a lot.

me: i have, ah, worked this out myself.

me: through ~observation.

(a pause in case either team wants to compliment me for my deep understanding of sports)

both teams: (confused silence)

me: (quickly) and all of you trained super hard to get here; you have drilled and practiced and probably even done push-ups!

me: and you each managed to coordinate your outfits perfectly with your whole group, like, dang, you guys, color me impressed.

both teams: (confused silence, growing more annoyed by the second)

me: on a narrative level? which is the only level on which i understand anything (lol thanks, humanities degree)? you all *deserve* the ball. both sides, you've earned it. like, really, it's a shame we can't chop the thing in half and divide it evenly between you, haha

both teams: (nervously looking around for the real referee)

me: (pulling a sword out of nowhere) OR CAN WE?

top sportsperson of team a: jesus, what's wrong with you?!

top sportsperson of team b: playing this sport is our passion AND our livelihood. our bodies will only hold out for a few years at this level of abuse before we'll all need to retire, so if you destroy the object at the center of this game, you are robbing all of us. not to mention every single person in the stands, who paid to be here and have likely been looking forward to this for a long time. I know it may seem stupid or frivolous to you, but people care about this game.

top sportsperson of team b: *I* care about this game.

me: (twisting my wrist so that the light glints off the blade) but are you SURE? half is better than a chance you might end up with none at all.

second-most prominent sportsperson of team b: my teammate is right. please put the sword down. you clearly don't know how to use it anyway, you're holding it like a pen.

me: ah, well in that case..........

me: congratulations, team b! you've won the big game!

me: your uncompromising love of the ball was greater than your selfish desire to possess it.

second-most prominent sportsperson of team a: dude, we clearly didn't want you to destroy the ball either, did you not hear my colleague yelling at you?

me: oh shit, i was unprepared for this.

top sportsperson of team b: did you just call us *team b*? we're literally wearing our team names *on our bodies*.

top sportsperson of team a: also, way to rip off king solomon. did you seriously think none of us have read the bible?

second-most prominent sportsperson of team a: oh, and by the way? it's called a puck.

me: um...

second-most prominent sportsperson of team b: please don't joke like that, she's obviously uninformed enough to take you seriously.

me: wait, so...IS it a puck?

(the second-most prominent sportspeople of their respective teams stare at each other. one's glare says "don't you dare ruin my funny joke." the other's says "if you don't lay off, we will be here all goddamn day, just come clean" but i am unable to tell which player's glare conveys which sentiment.)

top sportperson of team a: please, just tell us, where did you hide the actual referee?

top sportsperson of team b: oh god! chris! is chris okay?!

me: (yelling over my shoulder as i run off the area of play) look, you're finally agreeing on something! (attempting to flee to the stands and blend into the crowd) see how good it feels to find common ground?

second-most prominent sportsperson of team b: uh, we can still see you. you're still wearing your fake ref shirt, and also, more to the point, you're still yelling.

me: (as I throw my counterfeit ref jersey at a stunned drunk man, his face painted in the unmistakable colors of team a) i think we've all learned an important lesson today

me: about the true meaning of................

me: .....hockey....?

second-most prominent sportsperson of team b: NO.

me: ..........athletics.....?

top sportspersons of teams a and b, simultaneously: somebody, catch her!

(i am cornered by a vendor selling souvenir foam fingers, who, caught up in the adrenaline of the moment, unwisely tries to punch me in the gut with a foam-covered fist, which glances harmlessly off me.

(we both laugh, and become best friends.)

(ironically, team b does in fact win the big game.)

(i never learn conclusively whether or not it was hockey.)