#if you don't want to quack like a duck and get called one; or validate actual ducks en masse. we are not the same

[not-poignant]

So a younger friend of mine who does not identify as queer (yet) was talking about friendships and I was like 'the word you are looking for is queer platonic'. Normally I can list a dozen gay or bi or trans or poly or kinky stories to people to help them get a feel for whether they like the label for themselves but for queer platonic I pretty much just jumped to you and Glenn, lol. So, any thoughts or suggestions?

Hi anon!

Generally I just make suggestions to people re: sexuality instead of telling them 'you're looking for this word' because these are always self-defined. (If someone who identifies as/is gay wants to be in a relationship that everyone else would call queerplatonic, but they wouldn't, then it's not queerplatonic. Period.) Even if it looks like a duck, talks like a duck and quack likes a duck, the only person who gets to call themselves a duck is the person in question, in these circumstances.

Your friend might also want to look into romantic friendship, which is another thing that exists, and isn't the same as being QPP. I've been in both kinds of relationships and they can be remarkably different while still being completely non-sexual. But for someone who is like 'I want to be close to friends without being in a relationship' - they may be expressing a desire for a QPP or romantic friendship situation, and both can be very different.

That being said, I've never found any decent representation of queerplatonic connections and relationships. I know they're out there, and it might be worth googling for some content. While there are romantic asexual stories out there, it's just not the same thing, and it doesn't hit the mark if you're QPP or in a QPP relationship.

That being said, Glen and I have two headcanon couples that we always kind of say are queerplatonic and awesome, one I think was intended to be by the creators, and the other is a mess because the creators didn't know what to do lol. So the first is Joan and Sherlock from Elementary, where the creators have talked openly about the kind of relationship they have, and the only reason they didn't use the word queerplatonic is because they didn't know it, lol. Joan & Sherlock are great role models, because open communication is always valued, and they become increasingly validating towards their mutual need to live together as non-romantic and non-sexual partners and friends, and because they get a happy ending, neither one forcing themselves into conventional monogamous allo relationships.

The other is much older and probably won't be suitable for your friend because of how problematic it would be in this day and age, but that would be Will and Grace from Will & Grace, who are actually another pretty decent example of a queerplatonic relationship, but a much more fraught one.

Honestly, I can't think of any queerplatonic novels though. There's more ace ones, even aroace ones, but an aroace relationship isn't a queerplatonic relationship (unless both parties agree that it's both), and likewise, a romantic friendship isn't any of the above, so it's just...fraught re: trying to find representation. It's also worth your friend taking some time to brainstorm what they want, even if it seems like it's not allowed, they never see it in the media, or it seems like they shouldn't. Ultimately they don't need to put a label on it - though it can help - provided they can still get their needs met.