#if we have to reschedule then there's a possibility it'll be next year

[natjennie]

I have no idea if I'm having surgery tomorrow or not because it's been the weekend so we couldn't call to ask so who the fuck knows. but I have to prepare and not have anything to eat or drink after midnight and not take my meds or anything beforehand without any idea if it's actually happening or not. no idea. everything's up in the air. don't have a solid plan for yknow. my first ever surgery. I feel like shit. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I can't predict what's gonna happen until the moment of. pretty much nightmare scenario for me.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

lol so back in november i called my gyn's office to make an appointment because for one, i'm overdue for an exam anyway but for two, because i wanted to at least ask about possibly getting an ablation or just...something, right?

and they were really booked out, it was either i came in on my birthday or now in februrary so my dumb ass said let's do februrary

okay cool great awesome

i even did the math on my last period just to make sure it wasn't going to interfere with this appointment and based on my calculations it shouldn't have or else i would have called then to try to change it

well...my appointment is tomorrow

do you wanna guess, do you just wanna take a fucking guess, as to what decided to show up today a whole fucking week early?!?!

my period!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i called to reschedule and naturally the next appointment won't be until almost june so that's.......good. that's great!! i love that!!

i've just spent the past half hour just sobbing in rage

i know it's a really stupid thing to cry over but i can't help it, i just feel so defeated right now

and mad at myself, because this should have been something i had figured out a long time ago, y'know? i shouldn't be turning 34 this year and be trying to get a handle on this, i should have at least spent my 20s cycling through every birth control pill on earth until i found one that doesn't negate my other medicine or gotten an iud or just...something

and now that it seems like my periods (which already weren't great, but aren't the worst i've ever heard of) are starting to get wonky it's like, "oh well, hope you can wait a few more months!!"

i'm also beyond worried now that it'll come may and it'll be the same fucking thing because at this point i apparently can't just track my days and be confident that i'm in the clear !!

my back was absolutely killing me last week and i can already tell this is going to be one of the bad mental health ones and i just want this shit to stop. just from the excessive bleeding alone i don't know why i've put up with this for as long as i have, but i'm over it

here again, though...it's my own fault. i made the decision at one point that i wasn't going to invest in myself and now here we are. now that i want to it's obviously not just going to happen all at once

i guess i'll just wait a few more months and hopefully by then it'll be okay

doesn't help that in general i've been feeling like, "welp, i've dug myself into a hole i'm never getting out of!" because it's really just hitting me how much of my own time i've wasted and how many more things i could have done for myself or at least better decisions i could have made but nothing i can really do about it now i guess

any of it

just gotta live with it and everything else!!

anyway hope if you're reading this that your day is going well and you get some good news today.

[nathank77]

5/27/24

7:50 p.m Added to/Edited

Last blurp: I am worried that if I drug myself with 2mg of Melatonin, 25mg of Hydroxyzine and 1mg of xanax at 3:30 a.m I'll struggle to sleep bc by the time maximum effectiveness hits it'll be 6 a.m and I'll have only been up for 12 hours and 30 minutes... I shouldn't have let myself oversleep.

Maybe I'll take it at 4:30 or 4 a.m. I should pass out regardless but I mean I want to make sure. I don't want to have to take a second Hydroxyzine or one 25mg of Benadryl.... I don't want to be overly sedated. I mean I already overly sedate myself on the 1mg Xanax days cause when I see myself falling asleep at 8:30 a.m... it's like my circadian rhythm is getting worse... I got to be asleep by 7:30 the latest... I don't want my life to become more dysfunctional. I got a lot of phone calls to make and I can't be waking up at 5 p.m although I don't think that'll be a long standing issue. It's just between yesterday and today, I woke up yesterday at 4:48 and today at 5:15... also I fell asleep closer to 9 a.m both days... tomorrow I will probably wake up around 2 p.m or 3 and it should help reset everything.

I won't have another 1MG Xanax day until my t-shot next week. Everything should go back to normal tomorrow.

Beyond that I wish my family did something for memorial day. My family is so fucking dead. We have a pool and everything and we planned nothing. I'm going to get ear plugs on the 1st so I can swim. Whenever I decide to do that which won't be often but- when I want to if I don't have ear plugs I get water stuck in my ears and it drives me crazy! So I wont swim until I get them.

On Thursday after therapy I plan to watch movies with my mom. Wednesday I'll go grocery shopping if I don't tomorrow and then I'll have therapy at 7 p.m on Wednesday. I prob will wait on the gym. Once I get the oil change out of the way, my next big thing is the apple store for apple care cause of my quicktime player taking years to add videos together.

I don't want to get ahead of myself. All I have to do this month is the oil change/car wash, my t-shots, bloodwork for my thyroid, the dentist on the 11th assuming he doesn't cancel again and get the estimate on teeth sealant cause I want to move on that and then the cardiologist on the 26th. The gym is going to fit in nicely and I'll have time to game at least once or twice a week. Of course I want to move on glasses but the money makes me want to wait... I'll consider the teeth sealant Cost versus the glasses... if I could get the bad tooth done for 150$ or less tbh it's more important than my glasses...why? It's fucking BROWN in the corner and nothing gets it off. And it's significantly cheaper than glasses...

Of course I could game after therapy or something too but I care about immersion... and tv time and sleep is my only escape from this shitty hallucination. Despite that I want to game and I figure if I cut out a day or two a week I can enjoy it...

I really want to go up 3000mg of white mulberries a day but I'm waiting until the 13th of June cause it'll be a month as of that date since I went to 2000mg and it has been well tolerated...

I got to get cbd on June 1st which I'm not happy about but I said I'd give it to June 26th at least 2 months on 100mg... I may give it to July 26th cause I feel the need to up my white mulberries. They really do seem to work as an antipsychotic.

I also got to call about disability a few times this month so I can either keep my appt in July or reschedule it depending on my dad cause I want my backpay as soon as possible but another worthless phone appt to accomplish nothing makes no sense. So I should call prob every week until I hear he is receiving disability and cancel/reschedule depending on that.