#if theres any grammar mistakes thats bc i needed to put it into the world and didnt want to read it again for the billionth time | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ogoody · 8 years ago

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My Thoughts

I took the time to write out my thoughts lately. These thoughts will be pretty raw so the grammar and structure might be all over the place. I wrote them on my phone. I’m posting these on my tumblr to live forever

What brings me to writing my thoughts out is I feel I may not be able to fully express my feelings when I actually talk. The ideas are concise in my head but in the moments of conversation on this critical topic of my life, I'm fumbling with my speech because theres so much in my head and so little room for conversation to fully convey my thoughts without getting sidetracked or lost in my own scramble. I'm not good with dates or specifics so details in this may be off by a little but the sentiments are all 100% pure to my heart. I have came to the critical realization of my life over the past approximate 5 years. It has been building with the experiences in those years. I started dating Erica march of 2010. We dated for approximately 9 months. It was my first relationship and I dealt with so many insecurities and made so many mistakes at the time. I should have never let her go, but I did not mature to understanding my behavior and wanting to fix it until it was too late. My whole life, when confronted with immense conflict, I would take on the typical fight or flight response but in the most basic ways. My fight responses where mostly when I could physically fight an issue. I took my flight responses for everything else. I had low tolerance for anything contrary to my beliefs and comfort. I was also very unforgiving of others. These are some of the aspects of my personality that had a major contribution to the biggest mistake of my life back then in leaving her. I realized this about myself fast-forwarding to after my 2nd relationship. I had a short relationship with a girl I used to go to school with. When I'm able to reflect on my relationships post Erica, they were all me trying to get over her, but I never did. My 2nd relationship was one of the more clear indicators of my poor behavior of dealing with issues back then. With my 2nd relationship, it wasn't much longer after breaking up with Erica, that I hopped into that realationship. Around the whole break up with Erica, I was very angry and I wasn't receptive to her until around beginning to date my second girlfriend because I wanted to try and make her feel the pain I felt. I remember feeling down about it the whole time but putting on a front to everyone else like I didn't care and as if I was moving on fine. I jumped into that relationship so fast, I don't even think I ever took my second girlfriend on a date before declaring we were in a relationship. I may have not even taken the girl on a date during the short relationship. I remember Erica talking to me during that time because she never gave up on me despite the verbal abuse I dished out. I cursed her out and made up the worse things I could that I knew would cut deep and hurt her. I remember detailing "love" for some other girl that I really was just infatuated with. I even detailed things with my 2nd girlfriend in hopes to make her jealous. I'm embarrassed by those actions heavily. Going off the embarrassment sentiment, another tangent detail that built my critical realization was the moment, in my opinion, that was the beginning of the end between us. I blamed Erica for everything and felt hatred towards her for everything that transpired for me to break up with her. I had absolved myself at the time despite my actions that most embarrassing night. It was the first time I blacked out from drinking and my actions were terrible. At the time I felt like I should have been forgiven because I blacked out and all the blame should be placed on another individual but when I was able to reflect and put myself in Erica's shoes, my opinion changed. She stayed with me despite the horrific event. I couldn't imagine seeing her behave the way I did and show the same level of understanding and patience as she did with me. I for one had often shown my jealous ways throughout the relationship. Here I was being the one to shake up things despite promising to never be like any of the shitty guys of her past. Had I not blackout that night, maybe I would still be with her. So up til now in this timeline of things, Erica showed me how real her feelings for me where and how much more mature she was. I was clouded by anger and it took me awhile to see. She never gave up on me despite my verbal abuse and even before that and before the breakup, she showed patience with me. I carried on about things between us like it never happened and she was still dealing with the pain I imagine. To me, I didnt do my part at the time and I was the cause for things to get shaky between us. I forgive Erica for any wrong she did during the time and it is not anything I would hold over anymore if we were to get back together. I hope she can fully forgive me as well. Over the years Erica showed me the true nature of her love for me. Through it all she remained by my side whichever way she could. I made attempts to get her back ever since the ending of my 2nd relationship but she was being loyal to her new man. I continued to lust after women in my failures to bring Erica back by my side as my girlfriend. We maintained a good friendship over the years. I used to think we could never be friends if we broke up. I was thinking purely out of jealousy that I wouldnt be able to see her with another man and still think of her favorably. I still cant stand to see her with someone else but I was proven wrong bc I have the same love for her now and much more respect and admiration for her. A small side story I missed that also showed Erica's love for me, was her dropping off a birthday card to me on my car one morning. It caught me by complete surprise. It was definitely another eye opener moment that she still cared for me despite my wrongs. The strongest moment in our history which awakened more urgency in me to get her back by my side was the loss of my brother. The day it happened I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was awakened early in the morning to frantic knocks on my bedroom door. I was always a heavy sleeper and it wasn't the first time I slept through clear commotion of police at the front door. My sister was crying saying to come downstairs she thinks something happened to Krys. As I went downstairs I see my dad distraught trying his best to keep it together while clearly not present as the officers are talking to him repeating themselves. He had a blank look over himself. I asked my sister what happened and she said he died. I collapsed to that stairs in shock and sat there for a good few minutes completely lost. I came back to when my sister and mother went upstairs to my parents room. I followed up shortly after them and when I came to them they were crying in each others arms. They turned to me and collapsed in my arms. I held them for a good few minutes still in complete shock but able to notice they felt so light in my arms. My mom lifted up to go make phonecalls and my sister followed after. I dragged myself to my room and collapsed on the bed letting the tears soak my bed. There was a cold silence in the house when my tears stopped for a brief moment. Everyone of us was laying in our beds stuck in complete silence. I rolled over and reached for my phone and without a hesitation of thought I messaged Erica. The first person I could think of to reach out to in that moment was her. She came by to visit me in the coming days and she showed love and support during that incredibly difficult time. When I came to think of that moment after things calmed down, thats when I realized even more how I needed Erica back. Here she is still by my side, doing more than necessary. She even broke down about the tragedy. I had meaningless dating experiences post this period of time and ive shared my loss with all of them. None of them showed anywhere near the level of genuine care about it. They only ever said sorry about my loss. They didn't ask a lot about it nor see how I was holding up after it. Even my other ex-girlfriend before the incident and other female infatuations didnt show anywhere near the same care about it when they came to hear about it. This woman who dated me for 9 months and dealt with me in my worst behaviors was still here for me in more ways than I could have asked for over the years. She kept showing me the love I know I'll never find anywhere outside of my family. She was also the person I felt most comfortable with because I shared the most true feelings and parts of myself to her over the years. She always got me. The urgency to try and get her back in my life kicked in for me but it was still unattainable for me over the years. Every time I tried to get her back, things would go cold after awhile. It was hard to get her to come hangout with me and conversation would fizzle out. I felt like I was being a burden and adding stress each time so I would fall-back from the pursuit. I was hopeful because there was trouble between her and her boyfriend over the years, so I thought maybe one day she would be single and date me again. I thought that it was best for me to keep reaching out from time to time so she wouldn't forget me and fully go the distance with him. I didn't want to be the cause for them breaking up, if they would so happen to break up. I wanted her to come to the decision absent of me and feel more so done with that relationship and open to giving me another try. When you have a loss so close to you, you're consumed with death. It seems like it will be forever...I hope not. Everyday when I'm thinking about my brother, I'm thinking about everyone else left here close to me and how I don't want to lose them. I don't want to be angry at people anymore either. I don't want to lose Erica and I sure don't want to lose her or leave this world myself without having rekindled our relationship and showing her how much I love her. I also fear leaving this world with she and everyone else not knowing how much I love her. Another mistake from the time we dated is she never got to meet my family or many of my friends. I was scared my parents weren't accepting of interracial dating so when I told Erica about it, she was terrified to meet them and in turn she was never introduced to them in the light she should have been. Erica only ever met my brother. I one day, when the time is right, no matter how things turn out between us, I will tell my parents this is Erica, the woman who will forever have my heart. Venturing closer to recent times in my realization for the level of my love for Erica, it brings more detail of my dealings with girlfriends and dating. My 3rd and 4th girlfriends were pressed for relationship goals. They wanted to be married so bad that they were pressing to stay with me despite our differences. Erica was the only girl I felt truly liked me for me. All three exes post Erica were extremely distraught over me leaving them. #2 & #3 were to the level of suicidal. It bothered me greatly after #3's suicide attempts, it took me awhile to get back out there to feel available to date. I felt like there was something wrong with me that was doing this to women. Its not til after more dating pursuits and the 4th girlfriend that I truly realized the problem. I was wasting everyone's time all these years. I can not love another woman. All the women I have dated were at impossible odds. I measured them all up to Erica. None of them could come close to making me feel for them like I do for Erica. They have no chance. Its the most sure impossible thing in this world to me. I tried to front about it all these years. My third ex even pointed it out to me one time and I denied it in defense. We were friends for a short while after breaking up. I was mostly friends with her out of guilt because I felt terrible about wasting her time, leading her on and driving her to suicidal actions. She was always inquiring me about my dating life and this was the period of time I just couldn't find myself open to dating. She would insist I try finding someone saying I deserved to be happy. I happened to have been on one of the periods of me feeling hopeful for Erica again and I mentioned it to her. She kind of went off on me about it. She was like no wonder we didn't work. You're still in love with her and I never stood a chance. I denied it for her sake but I knew it was true. I was in a somewhat similar rut after my recent break up. I lacked hope for dating anyone and sure nuff finding love. In this time I was just reflecting a lot. Erica messaged me one day and it clicked to me. There isnt a single person that makes my heart jump when i see their name come across my phone. My heart dropped to a place I never felt before however, when I saw a picture she sent me. She sent me a picture of herself laying on the beach. I noticed a ring on her ring finger and I felt so broken at that moment. I congratulated and said congrats on being engaged. It's easy to portray that excitement in text. But in reality I was in the worst ways possible. Much to my surprise however she wasn't engaged and I was relieved. Everything I've been feeling over the years was all coming to a head. I can't live without her. If she does end up with someone else I won't ever be right. So after all of the pain I caused these women, I finally stopped fighting myself. I cant pretend like I will find another love. It doesn't add up to me. It is simply impossible. You can throw someone viewed by a strong percentage of other people to be beautiful at me, even perceived to be the most all around individual. They can not and will not be able to have me. Erica is the one for me.

#love

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