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t-lostinworlds · 5 years ago

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Clumsy (Tom Holland)

A/N: This one is short but sweet. Also, I made some minor changes anon I hope you don’t mind <3 and to the others who sent in an ask, I’m working on em! just patience lovelies. Hope you guys enjoy this one!

Pairing: Tom Holland x Fem!Reader

Requested:

Warnings: Nada and maybe typos

Word Count: 2.4k+

Masterlist in Bio

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It's very remarkable how you've managed to make the public believe you weren't together. Seeming friends in the eyes of strangers when in reality, 'in love' is all you see in the gaze of one another the moment you're alone.

Granted there are a few who are still speculating, that never does go away. But the majority of his fans do think you're nothing more than just a part of Tom's close circle of friends, one of the boys as some would say.

An unwritten rule was established when you two got together, only going out in public with the group all while making sure that public displays of affection were kept at a minimal. By default, people thought that you weren't dating Tom as you two where never seen alone together.

Unless it was a remote area where no one would be able to see or recognize you, then you and Tom can take all the alone-time and stroll around as much as you want, as close as you desire to be.

It was peaceful like that, no unwanted eyes peering through your relationship like it's some reality show, throwing their two cents as if they're opinions matter. It truly doesn't because by the end of it all, you and Tom are the ones who are in a relationship, not you, Tom and the world.

However, you can't always hide the truth for eternity, someday, in whatever way, it will slowly come out whether you like it or not.

You and Tom knew that of course, it was just the case of when you're ready to share it with the world. But no matter how many times you've discussed on how you were going to come clean, neither you nor Tom expected your relationship to be revealed in such an unexpected and odd way.

It was another day, another comic con in the life of Spider-Man.

You've been traveling with Tom for most of the press tour, and having that you had no better way to spend the day other than rot in a hotel room, you decided to tag along. Harry was with you as always – to lessen any suspicion – with a camera hanging on his neck to photograph every moment.

You were now walking towards the backstage of the last panel, tailing just behind Tom with Harry by your right, big burly bodyguards surrounding all corners to make sure no one gets trampled.

Thomas was being clingy. He regularly is, but this time more than usual. It was obvious how he's itching to get a hold of you as he kept looking over his shoulder, hand swinging a little too much to the back for him to just brush yours.

It was so adorable that you couldn't even try to hide your giggles.

"Stop being so cute or else." You hear him mumble, just under his breath, your eyes meeting as he turns his head to shoot you another glance, pout in full play.

You flashed him an innocent smile, shrugging your shoulders as you clearly haven't done anything. Tom sighed as he tore his eyes off you to look back ahead.

He was dying to just hold you, to have your warmth coat him as he snuggles close to your skin. Your cuddles and kisses, he was in dire need of those at the moment.

Maybe it's because he was a bit knackered, having done a meet and greet with the countless interviews to add beforehand. And when he's tired, he just wants to snuggle with you right after, to be in each other's arms, for you to ground him back as you are his anchor through all this chaos of a lifestyle.

But alas, the numerous eyes around you was making it hard to sneak a loving embrace, he'll have to wait until everything is all over.

Finally reaching backstage and inside these long black curtains, your eyes were constricted by how dim it was. It wasn't dark by all means, but the only sources of light were the once placed on the floor. Clumsiness being part of your blood — not by choice — you were busy trying to not trip over something that you didn't realize that someone was approaching.

You felt a gentle hand wrap around your wrist, making you look up to see Tom with a certain curve on his lips and a gloss over his eyes which usually means he needed something. Before you could even ask him what it was, he turned to his brother.

"Cover for us for a sec Harry."

Leaving a confused looking Harry, Tom dragged you behind these tall and big black boxes, completely hidden from plain sight unless someone would peak their head in fully through the gap.

"What's up?"

Tom didn't even bother to answer your question. He just wrapped his arms around your waist, leaning down to sweetly capture your lips in his with a satisfied sigh. You giggled as you kissed him back, arms taking home over his shoulders as you pulled him close.

"I really needed that, needed a recharge." Tom breathed out, withdrawing from the kiss for some air, pressing his forehead against yours with a soft, content smile on his lips.

You felt your heart burst at that, a soft coo escaping your lips as you run your fingers through his hair right on the nape of his neck.

"As much as I would love to kiss you some more, we can't be gone for too long." You gave him a sympathetic smile. He's a very important person in this comic con, so when he goes missing — even for just a little bit — people tend to notice.

Tom nodded with a sigh. "I know, but just one more please." With those adorable puppy eyes and the cutest pout he could muster, how could you say no to that?

You got back just in time for Tom to be given a microphone and then ushered on stage, the crowd roaring in delight at the sight of their favorite superhero.

You could only watch on the sidelines with a smug grin on your lips, utter pride and genuine happiness coursing through your bones at the sight of Tom's wide smile as he waves at the crowd.

***

Everything was all wrapped up and you were finally on your way back to the hotel. If only it was as quick and easy as getting out of the venue and inside the car in a snap, but you're with Tom Holland, what did you expect?

There were a few fans on your way out, Tom walking ahead again to take a couple photos with them and sign a few stuff too.

You were laughing at something stupid Harry had said that by sheer dumb luck, you managed to hook your foot on a protruding cable wire, your whole body falling forward in one swift motion and landing on the floor with a hard thump.

The loud yelp you let out was enough for all eyes to be on you, especially Tom's.

You ignored the stares and tried to get up quickly with the help of Harry, but the slight movement only made you wince, a sharp pain coursing through your leg that made you grit your teeth with a hiss. You only managed to turn and sit on your bum, after that, you weren't able to make another move, eyes screwing shut at the constant throb on your foot.

Forgetting all the rules you've set when you're in public, Tom was by your side in an instant, eyes swimming with concern as he crouched down in front of you, cupping your face with both hands to check what was wrong.

"What hurts love?"

"Ankle." You muttered under your breath, head leaning forward to land on his chest reluctantly, the pain just too much for you to stay upright.

Whispers of the people and the clicking of phones were soon heard not long after, but Tom could careless as all his was attention on you, too worried to give a damn at the moment. He knows well enough just how much it hurts to twist your ankle; he's been there before a couple of times. But when it's you who's hurting, Tom's worry always comes tenfold.

He needed to get you off the floor, away from the snooping eyes, and get you to a hospital fast. You never know just by one look if it's just a light sprain or something serious, better safe than sorry.

"I'm going to carry you okay darling? It's going to hurt but just for a second." Tom whispered, brushing your hair away from your face delicately. As soon as you gave him a small nod, Tom placed a reassuring kiss on your forehead before wrapping an arm around your body as the other hooked right under your knees, hoisting you up bridal style.

You whimpered in agony as you buried your face on his shirt, your arms going around his neck for support, Tom muttering sweet 'I'm sorry's over and over against your hair for causing you the discomfort.

Sure, Tom could've just let one of his bodyguards carry you but he doesn't trust them well enough to know if they'd be gentle with you. Of course there was a voice inside his head on how there was no way you'd go back to hiding this relationship anymore, but Tom tuned it out, more focused on you than anything else. He'll worry about that later.

Tom was saying something to Harry and his agent that you couldn't quite comprehend, the throbbing pain making you feel lightheaded that you weren't fully aware of what's happening around you.

"I've got you my love." You hear Tom whisper as he walks out of the venue with you in his arms, ignoring all the questioning looks and the countless of photos being taken just to get you some much needed medical attention fast.

***

"Well, the internet is definitely buzzing." Tom joked, gently scooting closer beside where you sat on the hotel bed, ankle all wrapped up in a cast while being elevated by a pillow.

Numerous headlines were already popping up by the minute due to that little mishap earlier, a picture of you on the floor with Tom and then of you in his arms circling the internet to match.

Some fans were saying they knew it, and some totally not expecting it, even though neither of you have confirmed anything whatsoever. But the media, they tend to draw a conclusion without having much to go about.

"I'm sorry." You frowned at him. Despite his playful tone, you can see it in his face how troubled he was, you can practically see those gears turning inside his head.

Yes, Tom was worried, but not because the secret was finally out, it was mainly about how the fans were going to treat you. The internet can be cruel at times, and you weren't trained for that kind of attention. Tom is the public figure, not you. He signed up for this, you didn't.

Throwing an arm over your shoulder to pull you closer to him gently, Tom shook his head at you. "Hey, you did absolutely nothing wrong."

"If I wasn't clumsy this wouldn't have happened." You said shamefully, the embarrassment from your little stunt still there, and of course, the disheartened feeling being that you took the choice away from the both of you, the choice of when you were going to go public.

"But I love you and your clumsiness darling. And it's alright. We're going to be fine." Tom placed a reassuring kiss on your forehead, hand rubbing your arm comfortingly, lovingly that has you sighing with gratitude that there was no ill-will in his voice, even in the slightest.

"I think we should say something." You pulled away from his arms slightly to be able to look at him fully. Tom knitted his eyebrows at you in question. "About what?"

"Us." You stated simply, and Tom didn't need any further explanation, he already knows that you meant officially confirming that you two were in fact together.

Tom stared at you for a full second, brown orbs searching yours if you were genuinely certain about the decision. "Are you sure angel?"

You nodded at him with a sincere smile, ready for all the things that come with it, but also excited to be able to hold him, to cherish him without having to worry every second if someone was watching. "Yeah, plus I'm kind of tired of hiding."

Tom chuckled, leaning down to plant a chaste kiss on your lips, a kiss full of gratitude, adoration and pure love for such an amazing woman like you before pulling away to get a hold of his phone.

"Okay. But what should I post?" He asked, frankly having no clue as to what to say or do.

"Up to you Tom." As if there was a hidden message in your words — there wasn't — Tom's whole face lit up, an 'aha!' moment crossing his features before he went tapping away on his phone in concentration.

You let him be as you paid your attention back on the television screen, but it didn't take too long until Tom handed the device to you.

"You do the honors my love." Tom grinned smugly as he showed you the post he's created on Instagram, you letting out a hearty laugh at how dorky yet adorable it was.

It was a collaged photo of you and him. The upper half was of him in his trailer on the set of Cherry, sporting the US military uniform as he leaned back on the couch, a towel covering his face while the medic patched up his ankle. The bottom half was a photo of you earlier — that Harry took without your knowledge — almost in the same predicament.

The only difference was that you were on a hospital bed as the doctor wrapped your ankle up, and instead of a towel, you had your arm over to cover your face, Tom right by your side for moral support.

The caption only had two words: Relationship Goals.

After pressing the blue-colored Share button on the upper-right corner, you handed Tom his phone back, both of you mirroring wide and satisfied smiles.

Granted, there will be challenges with having your relationship out there, and maybe you were going to face most of it even. But with just one look at him, the feeling of being wrapped in his warm embrace, the pure happiness that courses through you whenever you're with him, just being with the absolute love of your life...

It was all worth it.

-:-:-:-:-

Like, Reblog & Leave a Comment if you enjoyed! Let me know what you think! <3

Tom H. Taglist: @spacebitch2 @hollanddolanfangirl @keepingupwiththehollands

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lightforthedeadvine · 4 years ago

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Title: How to Fall in Love When You’re Dead (A guide by Dean Winchester)

Author: @lightforthedeadvine – Anwamane_13 on AO3

Written for: @localwhiskeylez

Gift Exchange: @destielsecretsanta2020

Fandom: Supernatural

Pairing: Castiel/ Dean Winchester

Word count: 11.905

Rated: Teen and Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

AN: Wow, I can't believe it's done! I really hope you like it, @localwhiskeylez! Sorry for any typos, English is not my first language. Merry Christmas!

How to Fall in Love When You’re Dead (A guide by Dean Winchester)

How Dean Winchester realizes that the love of his life is his best friend and, being the moron that he is, it only happens after he's already dead.

INTRODUCTION

This article seeks to help the reader to solve unfinished business during their life on Earth. It is an observational interventionist study, based on the author's life. Some angels and demons were injured during the execution of the study, but the fact only serves as a background to illustrate the situations in which the author found himself and are important for the understanding of the facts.

1- When you’re still alive, be emotionally constipated.

Cas dies and Dean can’t get up, can’t look anywhere except at his wings, frail and broken shadows engraved on the ground. This is it. This time Cas’ death is for good. Dean isn’t ready for this, he can’t deal with this, he needs to get up and pretend he’s not there, kneeling on the ground next to his best friend’s body. His mind is empty and too full at the same time.

The thing is, Cas has died before, but Dean had never been left with his body to deal with. It makes his death more real somehow. So, he wraps the body with the old curtains, and he refuses Sam’s help. He doesn’t need anyone right now. They burn Cas, a hunter’s funeral. Dean listens to Sam trying to explain to a confused Jack that it’s time to say goodbye, but he can’t say anything. The flames are high and Dean can’t stop thinking that Cas deserved so much better than this. In the back of his mind there’s something he should have done, something he should have said, some way he could have showed Cas how appreciated he was. But Dean is not sure what it is, and he doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to feel anything, or rather, he can’t look at what he’s feeling too closely, or he’ll lose it.

Later, he loses it in booze, he punches the door until his knuckles bleed, he hates everything, he yells at Sam, he wishes he’d had kept Cas’ coat, so he could keep it in the Impala’s trunk, like before. He’s not sad, he’s furious. Stupid angel, getting himself killed like that. Stupid, stupid angel. Sam, the giant girl that he is, wants to talk, but Dean snorts and refuses to acknowledge anything that resembles a chick flick moment.

He doesn’t cry.

2- When someone tells you he loves you, don’t say anything.

“I love you”, Cas says, and he puts his bloodied hand on Dean’s shoulder. He pushes Dean to the floor, and when the Empty comes, Cas has a slight smile on his lips. He looks… in peace, almost. Angelic. And then he’s gone.

Dean thinks “why didn’t he tell me about the deal” and “this can’t be real” and “I need him to come back”. He looks at the wall and there’s nothing there indicating that his friend, the best friend one could ever have, just vanished through it.

Dean’s mind is running so fast he can barely keep up with it. Cas’ ‘I love you’ keeps ringing in his ears, playing in the back of his head, like a broken record. Dean is astonished. He had no idea. He didn’t know. He feels that this ‘I love you’ was very different from the ‘I love you, all of you’ Cas said when Crowley saved him from dying poisoned, with Dean, Sam and Mary not knowing what to do, how to stop Cas‘ death. Dean knows Cas meant a whole different thing this time; he could see it in Cas’ eyes. This time Cas meant the love kind of love. Dean had no idea an angel could even feel this kind of love. But if he knew, would it have changed anything? It’s not as if Dean would say it back, it’s not as if he deserves this love, an angel’s love. For fuck’s sake, it’s ludicrous.

Dean said nothing, he just kept shaking his head no and saying dumb things like ‘what are you talking about’ and ‘don’t do this’. He said nothing meaningful in Cas’ last moments, nothing his best friend could take with him to the Empty to justify the sacrifice he was making. He wonders if Cas thought he didn’t care, but probably not, because the stupid angel has always seen the best in him; something Dean is not even sure it’s there.

Cas said he loved Dean. And Dean didn’t say anything. He has no idea what he could have said, but he should have said something. Anything. Cas gave his life to save Dean’s, and Dean just stood there; just let him go.

His cell phone rings but Dean has no idea how to answer it. He looks at the wall again. He can’t speak right now, he’s not even worthy of speaking right now. Dean puts his hands on his head, cover his eyes, tries to leave the world outside for a while longer. His head, his heart, his whole being hurts.

This time he cries. This time Dean sobs.

3- After losing someone you care about, live the rest of your life pretending you’re ok with it.

Miracle jumps on the bed and Dean holds his dog close for a while, taking comfort from his furry best friend. They grew very attached to each other, and so far, no one has come to claim the dog, so Dean is confident he’ll be able to keep it for good. He gets up, getting ready for another day of Sam making breakfast, going for a run, maybe calling Eileen or Jody and Donna. Dean will walk Miracle, maybe. Watch old reruns, make pancakes, even though Sam will complain one shouldn’t eat breakfast food for lunch, and have a tasteless salad, as always. Dean doesn’t care, Miracle will help him with the stack of pancakes. He still needs to finish filling the job application on his desk, but he’s not in a hurry. He has all the time in the world, right? No one is controlling them now, and Jack sounded like he’d let things run free.

When Sam mentions Jack and Cas, Dean says they should keep on living, because that’s what Jack and Cas would want them to do. The truth is, he doesn’t want to talk about it, so he shoves a huge piece of pie into his mouth. He knows Jack is around, in every drop of rain and every wind, and inside and out of the bunker, like he said… but Dean’s almost sure they’re never gonna see him again, and he misses the kid. As for Cas… Dean has no idea what the Empty’s like, but an eternity of nothing sounds like an endless punishment worse than hell, and once again, he can’t help thinking that Cas deserved better. Before he can think how much he misses his best friend, he decides to focus on anything other than the dull ache inside him every time he thinks of Cas’ sacrifice. Cas died so they could live, and they’re gonna live, dammit.

Sam pushes pie into Dean’s face and hearing his laugh makes Dean think that everything is gonna be alright, eventually. His baby brother’s laugh is one of the things that keeps him going these days. He’s grateful for that. Content, if not happy.

4- A crucial point for doing something after being dead is dying. So… die.

This one is hard to explain.

Dean doesn’t want to die. But as it is, death comes in the most stupid way possible, and he doesn’t want to fight anymore. He’s tired. He doesn’t want Sam to call an ambulance, because it’s not gonna work and he doesn’t want the kid to get his hopes up. The rusty thing inside his lungs hurt like a motherfucker, it’s getting hart to breathe and his mind is fuzzy.

Sammy, he thinks. Sammy’s the most important thing here. Dean needs to tell his little brother how much he loves him, because he knows he hasn’t said it enough. He needs Sam to know he’s always been the most important thing in his life, ever since John put baby Sam in his arms inside a burning house and told Dean to protect him. He needs Sam to know that Dean doesn’t regret being Sam’s mother, father, old brother and friend; he doesn’t regret not having a childhood because he knows, he knows, he gave Sam one; at least the best he could. Dean needs Sam to tell him he’ll be alright; that Dean can go in peace; that Sam will get a life for himself after this.

4.1 - Ignore any mention of your best friend and give only a small smile when being told he’s not in the Empty anymore;

‘Cas helped’, Bobby says. Jack made this incredible Heaven for everyone and Cas helped. Bobby arches one eyebrow when he mentions Cas, and Dean pretends he doesn’t notice. He smiles slightly, comforted by the fact that his friend is not in the Empty anymore. He hoped, no, he knew Jack would set his chosen father free, but somehow, he never asked him. He doesn’t know why. He could say he was in some kind of daze, caused by the shock of everything that had just happened, but… it’s not an excuse; he should have asked Jack about Cas, and he didn’t. Sometimes Dean is really stupid.

4.2 - ��Spend forty something years driving and waiting for your brother to join you in the afterlife.

Suddenly, Baby is there.

Although time moves different in Heaven, it’s a bit, well, a lot strange that right at the end of the long road, probably the Axis Mundi, Sam is there in the fucking bridge, as if he’d been waiting for Dean. Has Dean just spent forty years driving? Really? What about Mom and Dad? Why didn’t Dean go see them? What about Ellen and Jo, probably right there inside the Roadhouse, where Bobby was… why didn’t Dean get inside? What about Cas? Isn’t it strange that Cas wasn’t there to welcome him to the afterlife? And… Dean didn’t do anything except wait for his brother for four decades? This is surreal.

The happiness he fells when he hears Sam’s voice, though, is indescribable. Somehow, he knows time has passed and Sam had a life, a fucking normal apple pie life, and Dean is so, so grateful his brother got to have that. As for him, he can finally stop worrying about the kid. Sam has always been Dean’s everything, and now it’s as if… his work is done.

“Eileen and I… it didn’t work; she… was traumatized, I guess. Being around a Winchester was more dangerous than any monster,” Sam says when they’re in the car, returning home, wherever the heck ‘home’ is. “And Dean’s mother… she got pregnant; we hadn’t planned anything. She, um… didn’t know I was a hunter, so I kind of… I retired, started working as a paralegal. But we were too different, it didn’t work anyway, and she left when Dean was fifteen.”

“Dude, you named your kid after me?” Dean is all smiles.

“Dean Robert Winchester,” Sam says, proudly. “A great kid. Preferred his ink on his right arm.”

“You didn’t raise him as a hunter, did you?”

“Hell no,” Sam snorts, “but here and there a hunter came looking for advice, and… the kid was smart, figured there was something strange going on. And on his sixteenth birthday a shapeshifter moved to our backyard, so…”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“What about the bunker?” Dean wants to know. If Sam worked in a law firm, what happened to the bunker?

Sam suddenly looks uncomfortable. “I, um… I gave it to Jody, Donna and the girls. They did a great job over the years, built a really big net, organized the branches… Claire and Kaia, they’re, like, top hunters in the country now.”

Dean raises his eyebrows. “Dude, that’s great, but…”

“I couldn’t do it, Dean,” Sam says in a hurry, earnest. “It wasn’t the same without you. There was no one else. I was alone, and I… I just couldn’t.”

Dean pretends he doesn’t feel a pang in his chest at hearing how bad it was for Sam. But hey, heaven or not, he’s not gonna start a sharing and caring scene with Sam now, right? “What about Miracle?”

“Lived for twelve years more, was Dean’s best friend.”

“Dude, I’m never gonna get used to this. You named your kid after me. Wow, I mean… I know I’m important, but… didn’t know you couldn’t live without a Dean in your life,” Dean jokes.

But Sam is serious. “I really couldn’t.”

“No chick flick moments, Samantha,” Dean tries to lighten the mood, because, shit. He expected Sam to miss him, of course… but not like this.

Sam appears to take the bait. “Jerk.”

Dean laughs. “Bitch.”

5- In Heaven, pretend you’re not looking for your Angel best friend.

Mary and John live not far from the Roadhouse, just like Bobby said. Their house is a replica of the Lawrence house, the one that caught fire. Dean thinks it’s creepy that Mary ends up living in the same house in which she died, but hey, she seems happy. They both do.

“So, dad, how did you get this house? Not that I remember much of it, but me and Dean, we went back there for a case,” Sam asks, eyeing Mary, because well, she was the ghost that lived there. She just smiles quietly at him. “From what I can see, it seems just like the old one.”

John looks different. At peace. The lines on his face seem softer, leaving him with a younger appearance. Mary’s presence did this, Dean can’t help thinking. Having a forever with the love of your life can do this to a person. Not that Dean knows from experience since he’s never had a… never mind. Lisa was never the love of his life, and Dean doesn’t want to think about her; still hurts.

His father’s eyes radiate happiness. It’s a bit strange, in a good way. “We were together in our private heaven,” he tells. “But I confess, it was a little boring, because it never changed. Then they came,” he shrugs, “and everything changed.”

“They?” Dean asks.

Mary smiles. “Mostly, Jack. He came and… we had a serious talk. It was never his fault, how I came here. He was distressed, and I pushed too hard.” She holds John’s hand. “Jack said we shouldn’t be separated from the ones we loved, because there is space for everyone. So he opened all the doors, fixed all the bridges, and suddenly our friends, family… they were all there. We started to build a heaven where we could all live together…”

“And Cas suggested it would be a good idea if we lived in our old house,” John finishes. “He built this for us exactly as we remembered it.”

Dean arches his eyebrows. Cas? Since when is his father on a nickname basis with Cas? “You know him? Cas?” he can’t help asking.

“Of course he knows Cas,” Mary laughs. “he’s Jack’s right arm. Everyone knows him.”

“And where is he?” Dean asks.

Mary shrugs. “Around,” she says enigmatically.

Okay. Dean frowns a little. A guy dies and his best friend doesn’t come to greet him? Then he changes the subject, because really? Not a pleasant thing to think about.

-------

Ellen and Jo are still in the Roadhouse by the time Dean gets back there. Sam stayed behind with their parents. But Dean suddenly needs to see everything and everyone. As if he has already lost too much time. And, maybe he has, driving through the Axis Mundi, waiting for Sam. But hey, now he has all of eternity, right?

“So, how does it work? This heaven?” he asks, while Ellen pours him a one more shot of Johnny Walker.

“We just… live. We do what we want and see who we want. When Cas built this place for us, ‘cause I said I preferred to work; you know me, I’m no woman to sit still… anyways, he said that the things we’ve always wanted to do, but it was never the right time…”

“Or…” Jo smiles, standing beside her mother, “we were always busy killing the next monster… well, these things, we could do them all now, you know? And… it’s freeing, really.”

“Cas built this place” Dean repeats like a parrot, not really paying attention to what they’re saying. “You mean my friend, Cas.”

Ellen raises her eyebrows. “Do you know any other Cas?”

“Nope.”

It’s annoying, really. Cas built the Roadhouse for Ellen and Jo? That’s great, they more than deserve it, but… he didn’t take the time to see Dean when he arrived?

------

Things are starting to get ridiculous.

Dean has visited and met a lot of people since he arrived. And apparently, since Jack decided to rebuild heaven, Cas has:

a) Built a house for Bobby and Karen, and the woman was delighted by his manners. Such a handsome and polite ‘boy’.

b) Found Charlie’s mother, Gertrude Middleton, they had a teary and wonderful reunion and now they live together by the mountains, where the internet (in Heaven? Huh…) is better than any other place on Earth.

c) Rescued Kevin from ghost-life. The boy spends his days playing cello and going on dates with Channing. Linda Tran is around too.

d) Eileen died on a hunt a few years after Dean. Cas found her parents and she finally found her happy ever after with them.

e) Gave back Pamela’s eyes, and the psychic went traveling around the heaven-world, eager to seeeverything.

So, it’s Cas this, Cas that, blah blah blah. Dean is getting annoyed.

Oh! On top of that, Kelly Kline apparently sees him a lot. In fact, she sees him more than she sees her own son, since Jack is always busy being the almighty and all. How does Dean know? He finds Kelly by chance while walking around, and as soon as she greets him, she asks “Have you seen Castiel yet?” with a knowing smile. He hasn’t, of course. And then she wastes no time telling him how wonderful Cas is for helping Jack with the heaven thing, since her son is young and has a lot to do. Apparently, Cas and Kelly spend a lot of time together, talking. Dean changes the subject and leaves as soon as he can. He is not jealous, of course. Of course not.

Dean is not only annoyed now. He’s a little hurt. As if his friendship didn’t really mean anything for the angel. Part of him thinks it’s stupid, because Cas loves him, he said so, didn’t he? But his absence is telling. Somehow, Dean knows Cas doesn’t want to see him. He just knows.

6- When you see him, try to talk about the elephant in the room, even if he clearly doesn’t want to.

It’s a bit strange, this heaven Jack has created. Because now time seems linear, and Dean has no idea how this happened, since it went by so fast before Sam arrived. But now there are days and nights and an endless string of people Dean wants to see and spend time with. So much, that he has no idea where he’s supposed to live, but he doesn’t ask anyone. He sleeps at his parent’s house, or Charlie’s place, or at Bobby’s. It’s a wonder he sleeps at all, because he really doesn’t need it; he’s dead, they all are. But they eat and drink and sleep, and they have long, long talks, like a never-ending party with all the burgers, pies and beer Dean could ever want.

It’s great.

Also, it feels a little bit… empty.

So, Christmas comes. Apparently, this is a special time in heaven too. There’s a party at the park and Dean finds himself in charge of the cheeseburgers. He’s there, by the grill, flipping the patties and making sure they don’t burn. Then Dean sees him.

He’s standing by the lake. Different clothes, the dark jeans and blue t-shirt look so unusual for him, but Dean would recognize that head of dark hair anywhere. Cas is not looking at him, he’s talking to a couple, an open smile on his face, so different from the burdened expression he always wore. Dean forgets about the grill and everything else. He just walks towards him, his heart thundering in his chest and a million questions in his head.

“Cas!” he calls before he reaches him, arms opening to hug him, and Cas turn his head, his very blue eyes wide and …

Oh.

There’s no immediate recognition in those eyes.

It’s not Cas. It’s Jimmy Novak.

Dean’s arms fall. “Jimmy,” he says, just to make sure. He deflates like an empty balloon.

“You’re… Dean, right?” Jimmy says, and shit, Dean should have never had mistaken him with Cas. His eyes are exactly the same, but Cas’ eyes sparkle when they look at Dean, and Jimmy’s just… don’t. And the voice, there’s no way this… generic, normal voice could ever belong to Cas. Even his relaxed posture is completely different than Cas’.

“Yeah. Dean Winchester,” he says, because now he has to make small talk with the guy, and he really, really doesn’t want to. His chest gives a funny pang looking at him, and Dean thinks of Claire, for the first time really understanding what she went through whenever she looked at Cas and thought of her father. Dean is looking at one, wanting to see the other, because they look the same but they’re so, so different, and it’s just...disappointing doesn’t even get close.

“It’s good to see you, Dean,” Jimmy says solemnly. “Is your brother well?”

“Yeah, he’s… around.” Dean says, looking around, already knowing he won’t find Sam here, because his brother found Bobby’s library and, the big nerd he is, he must be reading somewhere, even though they don’t hunt anymore. “But there’s so much lore here, Dean!” he’s said, eyes sparkling.

“That’s great,” Jimmy says, and then he frowns a little. “Where’s Castiel?”

“How the hell will I know?” Dean lets out, the he looks at Jimmy apologetically. “Haven’t seen him.”

Now Jimmy looks a bit uncomfortable. “Oh, I’ve just put my foot in my mouth. It’s just that – that Castiel was always thinking about you when we were sharing my – my -” he gestures at himself.

They’re both saved by a burning smell.

“The burgers are burning, you idjit!” Bobby screams from somewhere, and Dean just looks at Jimmy, gives him a yellow half-smile and leaves, relieved. He never loved the smell of burning burgers so much.

----

It’s late, everyone has gone home. Dean doesn’t have a home to go to, and he really doesn’t care about it right now. He’d be there alone, anyway. He has no idea how much time has passed since he came here, and it’s a bit disorienting. He’s sitting by the pond, where he saw Jimmy earlier. He’d be drinking right now, if he thought it would help him forget. Can you get drunk when you’re dead?

He’s not an ungrateful bastard. He knows he’s in heaven, and it’s – it’s just great, something he’d never thought he’d have. And wow, his family and dearest friends are here with him, and things couldn’t be better. He’s grateful for everything, and if Jack were here, he’d hug the hell out of the kid. Um… deity. Almighty. Whatever. Still, he’s one third Dean’s son, so he’ll call him kid if he wants to.

The thing is, somehow, he wants more. More than eternal happiness, and he feels a bastard for not being satisfied with eternal bliss. But he misses having something to worry about. He misses the bunker. Shit, he even misses hunting, even though thinking about his last hunt gives him chills. But most of all, he misses having Sam, Jack and Cas by his side, the four of them against the world. He misses Cas’ eyerolls, his deadpan lines, his lack of notion about personal space. His hand on Dean’s shoulder, eyes solemn, glistening –

“Goodbye, Dean.”

Before he knows it, Dean is half-keeling on the grass. “Cas, buddy, you got your ears on?” he prays, like he did so many times before. “I – I hope you can hear me, that you’re alright, that you’re happy now that you’re back home.” He sighs. He has no idea what to say. “I never thought I’d get a chance to pray to you again, but here I am.” Taking a deep breath, he forces himself to go on. “I miss you, man. And – and I know you’re avoiding me… I mean, I know I was a dick to you for so long that maybe – maybe you don’t wanna see me? You could… at least come and say goodbye, you know? I hear you see and help everyone and you never, never come to see me. And I have no idea why.”

A bark makes him look around, and suddenly a light brown, furry dog jumps on his arms. He half-falls sitting on the grass while he hugs his companion from long ago. “Miracle!” he greets the dog, and his heart feels lighter already just for seeing him.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean turns his head so fast his neck hurts a little. “Cas,” he breathes. “You’re here.”

“Yes, um…” Cas gestures at Miracle. “I found your dog.” He’s dressed as always, white shirt, black suit, tan trench coat, tie askew. He looks awesome. He’s a few steps away, and he doesn’t come closer. The smile he gives Dean doesn’t exactly reaches his eyes; not that Cas smiled a lot. But he’s looking at Miracle now, like he’s avoiding looking at Dean. ”I hope all is well with you…?” he says lamely.

“All is – “ Dean sputters, disbelieving. “That’s what you have to say?” he closes the distance between them, stopping a few centimeters from Cas. “Where the hell have you been? I arrived here ages ago, and you haven’t come to see me.”

“Bobby was here to greet you.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen Bobby, Mom, Dad, Charlie, Jo, Ellen… even Jimmy freakin’ Novak. Everyone except you.”

Cas opens his mouth and starts to shrug, then aborts the movement, still looking at Miracle, perched on a log. “You don’t need me, Dean. You already have all you wanted. I made sure you have everything you could possibly want; everyone you love is here. Why should I come?”

“What the fuck do you mean?” Dean’s not sure he should be swearing in heaven, but hey, he was brought here like this, so they’ll just have to deal with him this way. “Because we’re friends, asshole!” he says, exasperated. Then, quieter, “because I missed you.”

“It’s not of import, you’re with your loved ones now.” Cas says, awkwardly. “I’m glad to see you’re doing well, and – “

“Stop it, Cas,” Dean says, frowning. This is not how he expected their reunion to be. “What’re you talking about? I missed you man, every minute of every day, and – “

Cas finally looks at Dean, and he looks so sad Dean almost pinches himself to make sure he’s awake. “Jack had just rescued me from the Empty and he asked if I wanted to see you, and – “

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, you were brought back and you didn’t come to us?”

“I saw you, Dean. You were happy. Eating pie, laughing with Sam. And I decided to step aside and just let you have the life you deserve. You and your brother together, like it was before heaven and hell came into your lives.”

Dean throws his hands in the air. “You’re an idiot, Cas, come on! Is that why you never came?”

Cas shrugs. “I know we angels gave you a lot of sorrow, and you have no idea how much I regret everything my brethren and my father put you through.”

Dean huffs a breath. “Not your fault.”

“Yes, it was. I was one more pawn in the game at first ,but I became the one closest to you. And every time I tried to do something right, I just brought you more grief,” Cas rambles on, “and if I had just stayed away, maybe things would’ve been easier. All the mistakes I’ve done… all the times I let you down…”

“That’s bullshit, Cas. What the fuck are you talking about? Since when I, we, didn’t want your company?”

Cas rolls his eyes. “Dean, I didn’t want to burden you anymore. I thought that… it was better that I stayed gone, and…eventually you and Sam would be alright.

“Oh, that’s so like you, Cas! Deciding things about my so-called wellbeing without telling me! Is this how you show you love me? Staying away?”

Dean’s eyes widen. Where the fuck did that come from? What the hell happened to his tongue?

Cas’ breath hitches and he looks at the ground, and even in the dark Dean can see his cheeks turning pink. Such a human thing…

“Dean,” Cas says, and shakes his head. “Don’t.”

Dean knows what this is about. He feels guilty already, because the last time they saw each other, Cas spilled his heart on the damn floor and Dean just stayed there, looking. “Don’t what, Cas?” he asks softly.

“You don’t have to say anything about… that. I said my piece, I… I spoke my truth. That truth still stands, it will always stand. Part of the reason I said it was because I thought… that I wasn’t coming back. But here I am, and here you are and, and I know how you feel. Rather, I know how you don’t feel. So, you don’t have to say anything, or do anything. It’s okay. Only… it may take some time before I fell less… mortified in your presence.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say. Cas has practically just said that the – the love thing was true. Is true. Well, Dean was the one that started this particular subject, the asshole that he is.

“Cas…” he knows he needs to say something, even if it’s not what Cas maybe would like him to say. “I had no idea you even could feel like that. I’m not, I’m - “

“If you’re going to say you’re not worth it, don’t bother. I stand by what I said, and every word is true. You’re the best human being I have ever known, and I’d like that you at least give me the courtesy of believing in my words.”

Dean is speechless. Once more, Cas is spilling his guts and Dean is silent. He’d kick himself in the ribs if he could. His courage had dropped to the floor somewhere, but he finds it. “Was it my silence that made you leave? That made you do that? ‘Cause if it was, it’s on my top five worst mistakes.”

“It was to save your life. I couldn’t let Billie take you.”

“So you made me watch the Empty take you instead,” Dean deadpans.

“I had to. It was that or letting you die, and I couldn’t let her hurt you and do nothing. I’m expendable, Dean. Always have been. In heaven, on earth. But in that moment, I mattered.”

“What are you talking about?” Dean shakes his head. “You’ve always mattered to me. And coming here and not seeing you? Knowing you were around the whole time? It was a shitty move, Cas.”

Cas opens his mouth to say something, but he suddenly stops. He closes his eyes and frowns, as if hearing something. “I’m needed elsewhere,” he says. “I have to go.”

“What, now?”

“Yes.”

Cas was never a specialist at Goodbyes. Curiously, Goodbye was the last thing he said before he died.

There’s a bright light, a white-blue bright thing that starts on Cas’ eyes and grows, grows until all Dean can see is light. Cas is not there anymore, but there’s a huge beam floating against the night sky. Dean can see the tips of two huge, white wings coming out of the white-blue light. The words “multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent” comes to his mind and he knows that he’s looking at Cas’ true form. Even though it’s probably wise not to look directly at it, Dean can’t turn away and, well, maybe one of the perks of being dead is that he can look all he wants and his eyes are still working. Cas is awesome.

Now Dean is truly speechless. He’s never seen something so wonderful in all his life/death. In awe, he sees Cas going higher and higher, and he murmurs, more to himself, “Don’t take too long to come back, Cas.”

“I won’t,” he kind of knows, halfway between his head and his chest. What he really hears is a high-pitched sound that he knows it’s Cas’ true voice, but now his ears don’t bleed and he can understand what he’s saying. Wow.

The last thing he wonders before Cas goes up so fast that he looks like a comet, disappearing in the starry sky, is how can someone so fucking amazing like that can have such a low opinion of himself.

7- Pretend you’re ok with the fact that you never see him anymore. Eavesdrop every conversation to try to get a clue of his whereabouts.

“There’s some kind of rebellion up north,” Jack says. “Castiel was called to help with it.”

“Why didn’t you go with him?” Sam asks.

They’re in the bunker, of all things. Cas hasn’t come back, but here and there he comes to see Dean in his dreams, and at first Dean thought it was a regular dream, until Cas told him that the bunker was ready, and if he wanted to move there, he could.

And there was a freaking awesome replica of the bunker up the hill; the only home Dean ever remembers besides Baby, minus the dungeons and the endless corridors. But the important parts are there: the war room, the kitchen, bedrooms, library, garage, Dean’s cave. Sam decided to live there with him, and it’s been a week – or is it a month? Hard to keep track of things here – when Jack finally came to visit. He asked for a homemade burger, of all things, Dean’s homemade burger, and before he started, Dean was going to ask him if he wanted chili sauce with it. So, he isn’t eavesdropping, he’s not a gossip kind of guy. But Jack and Sam are talking in the war room, and when he hears Cas’ name, Dean stops before they can see him.

“Because the rebellion is about me, partly, Castiel thinks it’s not wise that I go. I trust his judgement.” Jack says. “Some angels think I’m too young to rule the universe.”

“You are pretty young,” Sam snorts.

“Well, there’s the fact that some of them still resent Castiel because of his past actions. It’s hard to forget he said yes to the devil, and I’m afraid an angel’s memory is endless. Theirs certainly is.”

“He did that so I didn’t have to,” Sam says, regret in his voice.

“Of course he did.” Jack’s voice is laced with amusement. “Everything Castiel did since he rescued Dean from hell was to protect him; then you two; and, in the end, me too. He’s the most human angel I’ve ever known; he has a heart. That’s why my mother chose him to protect me.”

“He wasn’t always like this.”

“Oh, I know, he was a dick, Dean told me. Like all the other angels here. I’m trying to teach them how to think for themselves, but it takes time. And every time a group decides I’m too young to rule, or Castiel is still unreliable, or both, he goes there and tries to convince them to come back.”

There’s silence for a while, and Dean is caught between wanting to step inside or waiting to hear more about Cas.

“I suppose I should be glad,” Jack goes on. “If they decide to go against us, it means they’re starting to understand free will. If Castiel changed, so can they. Although, he’s always had an incentive, which they lack. Anyway, Castiel is good at convincing them; even if he’s my father, he wouldn’t be my commander if he wasn’t a good strategist.”

“Nepotism, huh?”

“Not at all. I offered to turn him into an archangel, since there’s no one left… but he insisted he wanted to remain a seraph. He’s very down to earth, so to speak.”

“Will he be alright?” There’s worry in Sam’s voice. “Won’t they get… I don’t know... violent?”

“Oh, don’t worry. He can handle them. Besides, if they kill him, I’ll just bring him back.”

“What the fuck?” Dean almost yells, finally going inside. “You’re just gonna let him die? What the fuck, Jack? Dying hurts!”

“So, you were eavesdropping, Dean,” Jack laughs. “and yes, I want chili sauce in my burger.”

“You knew I was here?” Dean knows his face must be comically red now, but he doesn’t care.

“I know everything,” Jack simply says, “and Bobby Singer was teaching me about pranks and sarcasm the other day, so I decided to do a little test.”

“With me,” Dean deadpans.

“Yup!” Then Jack says, more serious. “He won’t die here, Dean. I have his back.”

-----

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to embarrass you,” Jack comes to the kitchen when Dean’s doing the dishes, after dinner. Sam is… somewhere under a pile of books, probably.

Dean just shrugs.

“I know you worry about him,” Jack continues, “I worry too. But Castiel is very, very old. And wise. He may not have always known what he was doing in the past, but he knows now. He’s in his element. You should see him in battle,” there’s pride on Jack’s voice. “he’s spectacular.”

Dean thinks of Cas’ true form and the way he gives every bit of his focus in a fight, and well, he has to agree with Jack, Cas fighting in heaven must be something to behold.

“He went furious when he knew you were going to die; he spent ages complaining about how you were supposed to have a long and happy life. And then he built this part of heaven for you himself. But… dying young was always in the cards for you, Dean. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Dean shrugs again. “I’m happy now. And I didn’t want to have gray hair anyway. Been there, done that, didn’t like it.”

“Are you, really?” Jack asks. “Happy?” He looks genuinely worried, like he doesn’t already know the answer.

“If you know everything, smartass, why do you ask?” Since Jack knew about the chili sauce before Dean said anything, it stands to reason that he knows every freaking thing inside Dean’s head, right? “And stop reading my thoughts.”

“So, stop projecting them everywhere,” Jack arches one eyebrow. “You make it really difficult not to listen. And when I ask if you’re happy, it’s not because I want to know. It’s because I want you to know. There’s a lot of things you already know but you don’t realize. Not yet.”

“Like what?” Dean is getting annoyed by this enigmatic version of the kid.

“Oh, you’ll get there,” Jack pats his shoulder solemnly. “You’ll get there. Now, how about getting a job, so you and Sam don’t get too bored?”

-----

The job Jack found them was as “newcomers’ advisors”. Apparently not everyone is okay with dying. Hunters are particularly difficult to come to terms with the idea. So Dean, Sam, Eileen and Bobby help them getting used to it.

Mostly, they talk. They show them the neighborhood, explain how heaven works. Help building their houses, finding their loved ones, keeping track of family that’s still on Earth, things like that. It’s something to do, and Dean’s glad to have this to fill his days. Like Ellen said, he’s a hunter; he can’t stay home and do nothing but an endless string of family and friends’ reunions. The boredom would kill him if he wasn’t already dead.

It’s a good thing Jack has been doing here. Heaven residents are organized in teams and they have work to do. If they want to, of course. No one is obligated to do anything they don’t want to. But there’s still a lot to build in heaven, it’s a huge place after all, so there’s work for everyone. People who’s been dead the longest and lived isolated in the eternal loop of their private heavens, have a little more difficulty adapting to changes; but they have literally all the time in the world. Feeling useful does wonders for Dean. Life goes on as it should. Well, not life, per se, but still a good one.

Cas never comes. He keeps appearing in Dean’s dreams here and there, and they talk about nothing and everything, like they always did. Sometimes, he watches Dean fishing, standing on the pier by his side; other times they just drink beer and talk side by side inside the Impala. Dean misses seeing him in person, though. He can’t exactly feel when Cas touches his shoulder, or when he pats his back. Well, he can, but it’s a muffled sensation somehow, the ghost of a touch.

And it’s not enough.

8- When confronted with the fact that he’s more BAMF that you had realized, pretend you’re neither impressed nor slightly turned on.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says one evening, when he is in Dean’s cave watching Doctor Sexy reruns.

Dean raises his head to look at him and – Whoa!

Cas is in a golden armor, holding a huge sword, expression solemn. He… glows. Like, there are little sparks of light floating around him. And his wings… wow. Huge, beautiful black wings, making him officially the most amazing creature Dean has ever seen.

“Cas!” he says dumbly, and he can’t stop staring. He has the vague notion that he needs to close his mouth, but he’s in too much of an awe to do it.

“I need your help,” is all Cas says, and he puts his hand on Dean’s arm and –

They’re outside, in the bunker’s rooftop, which is an awesome place to be, because Cas built it on a hill, the sky seems so close and you can see the lights of people’s houses down below. It’s almost as if you’re suspended between heaven and Earth.

“You alright?” Dean asks when Cas winces a bit after they land.

“Just a minor scratch.”

“Lemme take a look,” Dean says, his hands already on Cas’ shoulders, looking for a way to take the armor off him.”

“We don’t have time. We need to go to hell.”

Dean blinks. “Come again?”

“Rowena, she sent me a message. Apparently, the rogue group of angels that didn’t want to follow Jack, joined with a group of her demons who were showing… discontentment with her leadership. They’re wreaking havoc down there and Rowena’s having a hard time controlling everything.”

“So heaven will help hell. Huh.”

Cas shakes his head no. “Not heaven. Just me. No other angel would follow me down there. But, as you see, I’m a bit hurt and I can’t go on my own. I was thinking that maybe you and Sam could help me.”

“What about Jack?”

“I can’t contact him now. He’s in the Empty again.”

“Why???”

“We need archangels, Dean. Heaven is too big, and we need someone with power enough to contain everything while others rebuild. I – I can’t do everything alone, and… we need someone with more power, who’s not Jack, in case he needs to be away for a while. And I – I don’t want more power. We already know how I acted when I had more power than I could deal with. More pride than compassion.”

“Come on, Cas, that wasn’t you,” Dean reasons.

Cas gives him a curt and serious nod, like he’s saying, “I don’t agree and I don’t want to go on with this subject.” But what he says is ��Jack went there to try to find and rescue Gabriel. He won’t be back anytime soon. Will you help me?”

------

Of course Dean will help him. And so will Sam, Eileen, Bobby, Mary, John, Rufus, Ellen, Jo. Some of them are a bit worried about going to that place – well, it’s hell. But they don’t shy off a good fight, and most were already missing their old hunter’s life, with the absolute lack of things that go bump in the quiet nights around here.

9 - Here is the part where you have an epiphany and see that, even dead, you’re still emotionally constipated, and you fell in love with him.

“Cas, wake up. Please.”

Dean holds Cas’ head between his hands, but the angel’s eyes remain closed. He doesn’t need to breathe, so there’s no way for Dean to be sure he’s alive. Rowena said he is, but still, the lack of movement in unnerving.

“You sure you can’t help him?” he practically roars at her. “Isn’t there anything you can do? What kind of witch are you?”

“The dead kind, dear,” Rowena answers drily. “I still have my powers, but they obviously don’t work here.” She looks around. “I’m amazed I was even allowed to enter this place. It’s… a little on the ordinary side.”

Since there was no one with enough power to open a portal for them, they lay siege in hell the old, fashioned way. Cas knew a backdoor, but it was, of course, guarded. Half the group came in from the front and the other half from behind. A few more hunters, recruited at the last minute, formed a group of twenty something people. Cas, the badass he was, came in from above, breaking everything on his way (“Just as I did when I rescued you, Dean,” he said).

Of course, things went wrong. Of course. None of the hunters died, because first: they were already dead and, second: every single one of them had killed demons before.

The angels were a whole different thing. Sam and Dean went straight for them, no time to waste. Despite their experience in dealing with them, these ones were more than dicks: they were angry dicks. “Winchester,” one of them snarled, as if it was an insult, and their attack was fierce and fast. But Sam and Dean knew a lot of fighting tactics and, little by little, they made their way towards the throne room.

Rowena was nowhere to be seen, but behind a huge, closed metal door, Dean heard her yelling “Take your angel hands off me!”

After a while, the group of hunters dealing with the - now dead - demons joined them and, together, they start getting rid of the angels. Dean didn’t know the repercussions of killing an angel in hell, and frankly, he didn’t care. It was hard to believe the dicks were together with the demons in a plan to restart, once more, the freaking apocalypse. Again. One more time. But it was true, Cas had told then on their way here. Besides being dicks, they had no imagination. Getting rid of them was long overdue.

Sam kicks the metal door when they hear a whooshing sound.

Inside, Cas has Rowena in his arms. Around them, several dead angels. She looks a little dizzy, her head on his shoulder. He looks a little winded, and he gasps “We need to leave,” before disappearing in a beam of light. Dean and the others need to go back the way they did: going up seven levels of steep stairs.

When they arrive back in heaven, Dean has no idea where Cas and Rowena went, but on a hunch, he goes to the bunker. Rowena is sitting at the war room, elbows on the table, red hair in disarray, head in hands. She looks shaken.

“Cas?” is all Dean asks.

“In your room,” she answers.

So, here they are. Cas is on Dean’s bed, still in his armor. Dean has no idea how to remove it, and he’s afraid to move him.

“One of the angels had a blade near my throat,” Rowena’s voice trembles slightly. “Castiel started to talk to him, trying to convince him to let me go. The other came from behind and he didn’t duck in time.” She opens her hand and shows them an angel blade, dirty with something slimy, silvery and shiny, almost like mercury.

Angel blood. Cas’ real blood.

“It didn’t go all the way in,” Rowena says. “I think he collapsed as soon as we got here. When I came to myself, we were on the floor. I helped him get to your room. He closed his eyes and…” she trails off.

Dean nods slightly. “Cas…?” he tries again. But Cas is still like a marble statue. All Dean can think of is that Cas was already hurt when they went to hell, and on top of that he was stabbed, and now he – he shakes his head to send the dark thoughts away. Cas can’t die here, can he? Dean has just killed a couple of angels a few hours ago, but they were in hell. Do angels die in heaven?

“Dean?”

Jack’s voice is like music to Dean’s ears. The young man stops by the door, all wide eyes. He approaches them slowly, staring at Cas. When he gets close, he puts a hand on Cas’ chest and closes his eyes. For a few seconds they just stay there, completely still, as if suspended in time, but Dean’s heart is aching inside his chest, so he knows this isn’t a nightmare.

“There,” Jack says. “I closed all the wounds.”

“All the wounds?” Dean asks, dumbfounded. “As in, a lot?”

“Too many,” Jack answers. “Angels fight aiming to kill, never to just hurt. But he’s going to be alright now.”

“He’s still not waking up.”

“The damage was in his true form, no less. He needs some time to recover, to replenish his grace. He’ll wake up, Dean. He’ll be alright.”

Dean can’t hold an angry huff. “Stupid angel. He had to go and help Rowena and put himself in danger like that.”

Jack shrugs. “He always felt at least partially responsible for what happened to her. After I brought him here, they kept in touch.”

“So like Cas,” Dean shakes his head. “The idiot’s born in heaven, a badass commander, but he has to go and make friends with the sorry ass humans, he rebels, falls, sacrifices himself a handful of times… befriends a witch queen of hell, almost dies – again – in a mission to save her because he feels he owes her something.” “And who told him he was responsible for her death, asshole?” his mind offers.

“You know Castiel. Always happy to bleed for someone.”

“Jack, get out of my head!” Dean snaps.

Jack raises his hands in a pacifying gesture. “Hey, it’s not my fault that you were thinking of Cas saying he was ‘always happy to bleed for the Winchesters’. Your thoughts are all over the place, very loud, I should add. If you don’t control them, they just fly to my head. For example, right now, you’re thinking I’m an asshole, and also wondering what you’ll do for the rest of eternity if Castiel dies.”

“Fuck, Jack, come on!”

Jack blinks and suddenly Cas’ armor is gone. He’s in his old attire – suit, tie, trench coat. Then he puts a hand on Dean’s arm and squeezes a little, forcing him to raise his head and look at him.

“Castiel will wake up. I promise. But the thing is, you shouldn’t be worrying about what you’re going to do if he dies. Rather, what you’re going to do if he lives. He’s here, Dean, and so are you. What are you going to do with it?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, man.”

“And that,” Jack gets up and looks at Dean sadly, “Is why Castiel’s greatest joy so far was just in the saying, not in the having. You’ve wondered why he thinks so little of himself… but have you ever given him any reason to think otherwise, Dean?”

Jack just disappears in the air, one moment here, the other gone.

Dean feels like he’s just been punched.

-----

A day and a night come and go, and still Cas sleeps. Dean never leaves his side. Sam comes, offers him soup, then beef jerky, then a beer. Dean refuses everything. It’s not as if he needs to eat.

“Dean – “ Sam starts.

“Not now, Sammy,” Dean closes his eyes. “I know you’re worried, and I appreciate it, but I can’t.”

“Jack said… um… that I should leave you alone, that you have a lot of thinking to do. So, if you need anything, I’ll be in my room.”

Dean just nods and Sam goes.

The room is dark except for a bedside lamp, projecting shadows on Cas’ face. Looking at him, Dean shakes his head again. Stupid angel. Beautiful, beautiful creature that came into Dean’s life more than twelve years ago and saved him so, so many times. Someone Dean can count on. Someone he can’t live without.

Wait.

He can’t live without Cas. Even if he’s technically dead, spending heaven-life without him is something Dean can’t conceive.

Shit.

Suddenly, everything is so clear that Dean doesn’t understand how he could be so dense. All this time, and his stupidity let him spend his life thinking he was unworthy of love, when in fact… he was loved by the most awesome person that ever existed. And he loves this person back just as much.

He does, doesn’t he? He has always – shit, he has always loved Cas back, and why the fuck did his stupid brain not get to this conclusion before?

Yep. It’s official. He’s a moron.

Jack knew, of course. That’s what he meant when he said Dean had a lot to think about. Even Sam, he probably knew too, judging from the faces he made whenever Dean and Cas started one of the many bickering sessions they had. Or one of the staring contests. Meg, Crowley, all the times they, and so many others, implied there was something between Dean and Cas, and Dean thought they were just trying to piss him off.

He spends a long time thinking, not realizing he has one of Cas’ hands between his. It’s like a twelve-year film is passing inside Dean’s head. Long stares, small touches, soft and private smiles, stupid choices, sacrifices… it was all there for anyone to see, but Dean was blind, how could he be so blind? Cas’ love for Dean was written in everything he did since forever.

Dean, on the other hand… looking back he can see, clear as day, the many, many times he was a dick to Cas. He never gave him a reason to stay, then complained because he left, even if he never stopped him from leaving. He never let Cas feel appreciated. He hardly ever thanked the guy for saving his ass. He doubted him; he blamed him; he kicked him out of the bunker when Cas was human and vulnerable. He doesn’t deserve Cas’ love. Cas could do better.

But the thing is… he has Cas’ love, and what he’s going to do about it? Because, on the other hand, Dean can also see the trench coat that spent ages in the Impala’s trunk. He can see his bloody hand punching a door when Cas was dead. He can see himself spending almost a year looking for Cas in Purgatory, and refusing to leave without him. So many, so many small things that he always labeled as friendship, but now is so, so clear it was... so much more.

“Cas,” he closes his eyes. “Hear me. Please.” He’s praying, taking a leap of faith here, and he hopes it will work. “You need to wake up. See, I have something to tell you, but you need to be awake for that, ‘cause it’s very important and… it can change everything. I need you, so please, please – “

“Hello, Dean.”

10- Tell him how you feel. Live/die happily ever after.

They’re on the bunker’s rooftop again. It’s becoming Dean’s favorite place.

Rowena has gone back to hell, once her lackeys got rid of all the bodies. Jack went back to the Empty, they’re negotiating Gabriel’s release. Sam, as soon as Cas woke up, remembered he needed to visit Mary and John asap.

So, Dean and Cas are alone.

They’re sitting on the rooftop, feet dangling, and Dean has a beer in his hands, more to have something to hold and ground him than for drinking.

“Cas, “ he starts. But he has no idea what he’s going to say. Rather, he has, but he doesn’t know how to say it.

“Yes, Dean?” Cas’ profile, illuminated only by the moonlight, almost shines. Everything about him seems to shine, like he’s so beautiful and perfect inside that the light can’t help but spill to the outside. Technically, he knows that’s Jimmy’s face. But it’s so different from Jimmy’s. The hair in disarray, the so very blue eyes with a hint of silver, the perpetual frowny face… and the guttural voice. Traits that make Cas unique, traits that no one else has. For Dean, Jimmy’s face is ordinary. Cas’ face, he can’t get out of his head. Now that he knows.

“You said you had something to tell me,” Cas says. He’s not looking at Dean, and there’s a slight tremor in his voice, almost as if he’s afraid to know what Dean has to say.

Dean clears his throat. Here goes nothing. “When you died… the last time you died,” he starts.

“Dean, please,” Cas almost begs. “We don’t have to talk about this.”

“What if I want to talk about this?” Dean blurts out.

Cas cocks his head to the side. “Dean?”

“It made me think, Cas. What you said, it made me think. But… I didn’t want to think. Because… it hurt. It hurt so much that I put a lot of stuff on top of it, shoved a lot of things under the rug so I didn’t have to see what I’d wasted.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Bear with me. You will.”

Cas only nods, but his eyes are a little anxious, a little wide.

“Then the freakin’ metal bar came. I didn’t want to die, you have to believe me. But – bit I didn’t want to live like that either. And I didn’t see a way to change. I was looking for a job, already knowing how it’d be. The empty feeling inside me, just like when I was with Lisa and Ben; I had an apple pie life, I had a family, a job… and inside me there was this void they couldn’t fill.”

“I thought you were happy,” Cas murmurs.

“Yeah, sometimes I’m good at pretending. But listen to me, I’m not finished yet.”

“Okay.”

“So, when the metal bar went straight to my lung, I knew that the little time I had to live… I didn’t want to waste it in a hospital, I needed Sam to know that he was my everything. He was, Cas, because that’s the way I was raised, that was drilled and imprinted in my head when I was four. And, I had to tell him that, and if they took the bar off, I’d probably die without him knowing it. I didn’t fight because I wanted to die. I just made a choice, and it was to let my brother know that he didn’t have to stay with me in the bunker forever, he could have a life. A normal one. I took him off from his apple pie life fifteen years ago, I needed to put him back.”

“Dean, this is… Sam was devastated. He’s have stayed with you, not out of obligation, but because he loves you.”

“I know, Cas. I know. But I was dying, man. My thoughts were all scrambled. I’m telling you this because I’ve given it a lot of thought, and you’re the first one I’m telling this. You’re probably the only one who will know this, ever.”

“I’m honored by your trust in me,” Cas says solemnly.

“Yeah, yeah, better late than ever, right?” Dean says, a little self-deprecatingly. “But listen. There’s more.” He takes a deep breath. “Some things you told me that day stayed with me. That I wasn’t the killer I saw in myself. That I was good. That everything I did was for love. But… now I realize that all that love, it was never directed at someone that should’ve gotten it the most, because he loved me when I didn’t love myself.”

“Dean, what – “

Dean raises his hand to make Cas stop talking. “The thing is… When you said those words to me, and I didn’t say anything… I should’ve said something. I should’ve. Even if it was just ‘you’re important to me, Cas, don’t go’. But I’m a coward and I didn’t say a thing, and you were just gone. I blinked, and you were gone, and I knew I’d never see you again.”

“I didn’t say it to be reciprocated, Dean. I said it because I had just had an epiphany and I was so happy for finally understanding that I could just say it, because it was the truest thing inside me for a long, long time. I realized that and… I had to let you know. But I wasn’t expecting anything from you, I didn’t want that burden on your shoulders. I didn’t want you to think you owed me anything.”

“But I did, Cas. I do. I owe you my life, more than once. I owe you my humanity and I owe you never giving up on me, even when I gave up on you. I’ve reached to the conclusion that I owe you everything that remains good inside me. And – and then you left and I – why did you have to sacrifice yourself like that?”

“It was out of utter despair, Dean. We were in a situation that we had no way of winning. And I… I looked at you, and your face, so devoid of hope… and you were beautiful’ you were Dean Winchester! I held your soul in my hands a long time ago, and from that moment on, everything changed, Dean. I wanted to fight it at first, but it was useless. That was something my powers could never do, and for all the free will I had fought for, this one thing, what I felt for you, what I feel for you, is the only thing I have no free will over. And in that moment of – of desperation, I knew I would give my life for you again and again if I had to.”

“Cas…” Dean says, amazed. He can’t even begin to understand the love this timeless creature, this angel that was been around since the beginning of time, feels for him. It’s beyond his comprehension, but in Cas’ eyes he sees that every word is true. This love, this seemingly enormous thing that made Cas defy heaven and every order that Chuck, Naomi, Zachariah, Uriel, Raphael and everyone else ever gave him, it’s too much for Dean’s ordinary human mind to understand. But he wants it.

“I was… I was so used to you always being around that I didn’t realize that whenever you were gone, every time, Cas… you took part of me with you.”

Cas’ eyes widen. “Dean…?”

“You said I deserve to be happy. Then you built this – this heaven for me with all I could possibly want, but Cas… I could never, I can never be happy here - ”

“Dean, don’t,” Cas starts. “Please.”

“- not without you,” Dean goes on. “Never without you. You can put everything and everyone here, you can build me a bunker, a palace, I don’t care. If you’re not here, it will never make me happy.“

Dean inches closer, until his face is so close to Cas’ that he can see his long lashes and his blue, blue sparkling eyes. “So, I’m telling you… that thing you said, back there, that you couldn’t have? You can have it, Cas. It’s yours. It has been yours for a long time, but I was too stupid to realize.” “But Dean, how can you –“

“Shut up, Cas, don’t spoil the moment.”

“But I – “

“Shut up, Cas,” Dean’s voice is laced with fondness.

“But you – “

“Dean loses his patience, just a little. “Cas! For Jack’s sake!” Then he adds, softly, “I’m trying to kiss you here, so unless you really, really want to stop me, just. Shut. Up.”

Cas snaps his mouth shut.

Dean closes the distance between them and his lips touch Cas’, briefly, softly. There’s no electric current, fireworks, sparks flying, like in the paperback novels Dean will deny forever that he reads once in a while. There’s only this indescribable happiness. There’s this sense of “this is it” inside his head. Cas is it.

They come apart slowly, and Dean looks at Cas’ eyes, which are bright and moist, and Dean smiles, knowing that these almost tears are of happiness. The same happiness he feels, knowing that finally, finally Cas won’t go any other minute of his life without knowing how much he is loved. Because he is.

“You’re my best friend,” he whispers, “and you’re it for me. So, if you want, we can, maybe… spend all eternity together?”

Cas smiles, the kind of rare smiles that scrunches his nose and wrinkles the corner of his eyes. The smile Dean has never seen in him, except when they’re together, laughing. “I’d like that,” he says. “A lot.”

“Alright,” Dean murmurs, going for another kiss.

They have all the time in the world, and they’re not in a hurry, so the kiss doesn’t end anytime soon, and morphs into another one, and in so, so much more. The moon in shining up in heaven’s sky, but Dean knows it’s a pale comparison to the shine in Cas ‘eyes.

--- --- ---

About the author

Dean Winchester was born on January 24, 1979 to John and Mary Winchester in Lawrence, Kansas. He died on November 19, 2020. He is the couple's first child, four years older than his younger brother, Sam. He is named after his maternal grandmother, Deanna Campbell. Dean was raised as a hunter by his father, after his mother’s death. He lived the life of a nomad, eliminating several monsters, ghosts, evil spirits and demons, and saving a lot of humans. He also played a crucial part in Apocalypse I, Apocalypse II, the Darkness Apocalypse and in Chuck Shurley’s (AKA The Almighty) demise. He also killed Adolf Hitler. Currently, Dean lives in Heaven, sector 24 – A, with his partner, his brother and his dog. He works as a Newcomers' Advisor. Mail can be sent to PO box KAZ 2Y5.

----

Epilogue

Snippet of life in Heaven.

“Sammy, take this.” Dean shoves the little booklet in Sam’s hand.

They’re in one on the many gatherings and parties around here. This time, is for Bobby and Karen’s vows renewal. Everyone is there, everyone is happy, dancing, smiling. Dean sees Sam in a corner, surreptitiously looking at Eileen, on the other side of the room, talking to Cas.

Sam picks the booklet. “How to fall in love when you’re dead,” he reads. “A guide by Dean Winchester.” He looks at Dean, frowning. “Did you… write this?”

“Dean shrugs, cheeks reddening. “Cas helped. But I did most of the work.”

“Wow, Dean,” Sam’s face shows his astonish.

“I mean… I figured this could help other people to solve their… unfinished business, you know? I solved mine,” he says, looking at Cas, who is talking to Eileen using ASL. He’s really amazing. “If I solved mine, a lot of people can, too. Just – just don’t read it near me, or don’t ask me anything about the things I wrote there. It’s… I still don’t like chick flick moments, okay?”

“You don’t fool me,” Sam smiles, holding the booklet close. “I know you’re a big sap.”

Dean clears his throat. “I know you’re still in love with Eileen, Sammy. So, go and talk to her. Things are different here, but just because we literally have all eternity in our hands, it doesn’t mean we have to waste it.”

Sam looks at Eileen again. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m… I’m gonna read this, and talk to her.”

“You do that. But maybe you’ll want to skip the part where things got really steamy at the bunker’s rooftop."

“Ewww, Dean! Come on! I did not need to that information!”

“I’m just kidding, Samantha, don’t get your panties twisted. ‘Cause, if I’d have to write about all the times things got steamy between me’n Cas since we got together, this would probably be R-rated.”

Sam slaps Dean’s shoulder, but he’s laughing.

“Ew, not again, jerk!”

“Bitch.”

------

“Did you give your book to Sam?” Cas asks.

Dean rolls his eyes. “It’s not a book, Cas.”

“It’s about us. For me it’s a book, and you’re not changing my opinion about it.”

They’re close, facing each other, and somewhere there’s soft music playing. Dean doesn’t even notice when he and Cas put their hands on each other’s waists.

“Dean, I… um… I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something,” Cas says, serious.

“Shoot.”

“Jack wants to build a new section in heaven, and I volunteered. And I, um… I need your assistance.”

“Sure,” Dean says. “What is it? A new bible camp?” he jokes.

“A beach.”

Dean frowns. “Did I hear you saying a beach?”

“Yes. Like… um… the Bahamas.”

“But… why do you need my help to make a beach?”

“I don’t need your help with the beach part. But I… I was thinking that maybe, if you want, you could um… build a cabin there. And…” Cas’ cheeks turn an adorable shade of pink. “And of course, I’d have to go there and inspect it. And we would be… you know… alone. You and me. With no other angel or human soul around.”

Oh.

Dean arches his eyebrows. “Castiel Winchester, I didn’t know you had a devious side.” He widens his eyes. Oops.

“Winchester?” Cas’ eyes, if possible, are even wider.

It’s Dean’s time to blush. “Yes, um… if you want to. But if you don’t, it’s – “

“Dean. I’d be honored.”

“Yeah?”

They’re swaying slowly, almost dancing together without even realizing it.

“Yes,” Cas says. “Would you be too embarrassed if I kissed you now?”

“Nah,” Dean smiles. He looks around. Every one of his extended family and friends is there. “They’ll all probably read the booklet, anyway. Besides, the only one that didn’t know we were boyfriends without the fun, was little ol’ me.”

“Good,” Cas says, kissing Dean, the kind of soft and unhurried kiss that leaves no doubt of the love behind it.

Dean kisses him back, his chest almost bursting with joy, with love. And, in his lips, Dean tastes the forever that awaits them.

THE END

--- x ---

#destiel secret santa 2020 #15x20 fix it

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inr-lya · 3 years ago

Text

Mermaid RP Request

This plot has been in my mind since- who knows when, lmao. Probs a few weeks ago, and since i’m having trouble finding rp partners on amino, I’ve decided to extend my search here to tumblr.

As to not waste anyone's time, I'll say it beforehand that I'll be playing Muse B in a bxg or nbxg relationship in which I'm both the girl. I've played as the guy way too often; I miss my girl now. 🥺 and, this is a lit to adv-lit rp, maybe even novella if i’m really into it, and my responses are usually around 400+ to almost a 1000 words. Highest is just a little over 2000, but again, only if I’m really into it, lmao. Feel free to ask for my writing examples.

Before I get to the plot of the rp, let me list some information/rules of mine for compability’s sake.

General;

♡ I'm over 18, so no minors, please!

♡ I use drawn and realistic FCs if you need pics of the oc, though I don't mind what type you use. Speaking of which, I’m from amino, so I have a wiki on my girl, and if you have amino too, feel free to ask for the link! If you don’t, feel free to ask me to copy paste the info to google docs or just ask whatever you feel you need for the rp :]

♡ I can play more than one character, maybe 2-3 max? Depends on their roles in the RP ig.

♡ I have no triggers, but please list me yours so I can avoid them.

♡ I'm not the type to send a message if you were to suddenly disappear, but I'd do it after 2 weeks because I'm tired of my PMs getting clogged up with dead chats. If you're still interested but you need more time, just let me know. I promise I'll wait, my ass literally never reached the middle of any 1x1 rp.

♡ Ngl, I'm getting busy af these days with uni life and plans being made with friends and family. I'm not complaining. I love it, and all I'm saying is I might not be able to reply often. It depends on how invested I am and the difference of our time zones, (mine's GMT+8 btw) but I'll try to give at least a reply every few days or weekly if you're willing to be patient with me.

However, the shorter the literacy, the faster and more often I reply. If we're doing just 400+ to 600+ words, I can reply multiple times a day. Also, I prefer this level of literacy for now, but I can fluctuate to longer responses.

♡ fyi, I'm very open to rp in discord as we can create a server with different channels for ooc chat, rp, notes, etc. If you're up for it, lmk! uwu

. . .

Rules

♡ If you're considering pm-ing me, please skip the small talk like “hey, how are you?”, and just straight-up give me details that you’d like to discuss about the rp. It makes me uncomfortable, lmao.

♡ Have good grammar, punctuation and spelling. I can ignore small mistakes or typos but not constant errors. (I can overlook faulty grammar, however, if you have the creativity to make up for it)

♡ Use 3rd POV

♡ No railroading.

♡ For romance, don't make your character fall in love with mine at first sight or after a few nice gestures unless being naive is a part of their personality. I prefer slow burn. Crushes are fine but don't make your oc feel like my oc is their definite soulmate or something, lmao.

♡ Don't spam me unless I've been absent for a week. I may be busy or not in the mood to RP, but if I'm not interested in continuing, I will let you know.

♡ Any drama, romantic or carnal interactions stay within the RP, do NOT pursue anything with me besides friendship or mere acquaintances, I swear this happens way too often and it's getting stressful. Speaking of which, don't make the RP just about smut like c'mon.

. . .

Okay! Now I can finally jump into the plot! It’s pretty simple, and unfortunately, it isn't mine to claim. I wanted to rp this plot with someone, but they didn't reply to me, and I have no way of finding them again so- yeah, that's the disclaimer if you think I'm stealing your plot or something.

Muse A is a marine biologist who spends their time either studying, finding inspiration for their upcoming projects, or simply take a breather all at the beach. This is where they find peace, where all of their worries melt away and nothing else matters except the present.

Muse A's favourite leisure activity is free diving along the coral reef, underwater caves and tunnels, and pretty much any nook and cranny they can fit into. They're graduating from their specialist residency soon and is searching for ideas and incentives for their thesis along the bays and coves. To be honest, they were looking to mostly procrastinate due to the pressure of a competitive environment finally catching up to them, perhaps a burnout they were trying to get over.

Imagine how they would feel upon discovering Muse B, a creature that had been believed to be a myth, one with an upper-body resembling a human, though covered in brilliant scales and specialised fins adapted to exclusively marine life, and the lower half of a fish, stranded within the abyss of a cavity that would've been completely submerged if it weren't for the extremely low tide that had kept the curious entity from escaping.

Due to Muse A's compassionate nature, they aid Muse B to their freedom, but as soon as an opportunity was in sight, Muse B fled without another glance at their saviour, never to be seen again no matter how many times Muse A were to return to where they were last found.

A few months had passed, and Muse A had since lost hope in their search of Muse B as there was practically zero evidence nor leads to help them unless they were to look any further towards the conspiracy theorists and their claims. They are now focusing entirely on their original, more believable research, unfortunately, they had picked the wrong day to go diving.

The weather had been anything but kind, the skies had gone dark faster than anyone could've predicted, and before Muse A could process what was happening, they were caught in the middle of a raging storm, thrown left and right by the unforgiving waves of the ocean before it all went black. When the light of the sun entered their eyes once more, they found themselves within a secluded area of the island, damp, wet sand beneath them and an image of a woman above, with shining doe eyes and...what is that? Seaweed on her head?

"Hey," she gasped, relieved. The corners of her mouth curled into a smile, her lips still trembling from the thought that she was too late.

"I still haven't thanked you for the last time we met."

An unlikely, most bizarre connection formed between them since, but eventually, the reality of the situation presented itself. Will Muse A tell the world to further the scientific discovery and their career or keep it a secret to preserve Muse B's species' safety?

Alright, and that's the end of the summary! Please read them thoroughly and contact me either through PM or comments. I do not respond to likes.

I look forward to hearing from you! 💜

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kirachama · 7 years ago

Text

sinners like us (saeran x reader, part v)

summary: For days there’s been a boy in the hospital room next door who won’t stop screaming. And, against your better judgement, you decide to find out who exactly this guy is.

rating: 13+ (mentions/allusions to neglect)

notes: oof. managed to finish in time, though i could have done a better job at proof-reading so please excuse any typos. ;; thanks to kelsey for her help!

probably not the most amazing chapter since no saeran, but he will be back next chapter! instead this chapter just has a lot about mc. tbh, i’ve been so very nervous about it so i hope you guys do enjoy!

also ray route so soon! i’m very excited but also very nervous...

chapter 1 | chapter 2 | chapter 3 | chapter 4

It was rare for you to leave your room on your own.

It wasn’t that you didn’t like to go out, but you’d already explored every nook and cranny of your home only to find nothing really of interest. When you were younger, the maids would occasionally play hide and seek with you. But when your parents found out, they ordered them to stop, saying that a child shouldn’t be interfering with an adult’s work.

“Pardon my intrusion.”

The door to your room quietly creaked open, revealing one of the house maids. You looked up from your desk and watched her, waiting for her to explain the reason why she’d come. If anything, she had probably come to tell you that your parents had signed you up for yet another extracurricular activity. You’d thought that violin and piano lessons would have been enough.

“...yes?”

“...A family has moved in next door,” the maid said quietly. You’d noticed the moving trucks from the window, but you still didn’t understand why she had come to tell you. “...they have a child around your age.”

Your eyes widened. A… child? You felt something warm burst in your chest. A neighbor your age was someone you could befriend. Maybe your parents wouldn’t let the servants play with you, but perhaps they’d be more lenient with a child. Automatically, you rose from your seat and made your way to the door. The maid, with a small smile on her face, stepped to the side, allowing you to run past. You bounded down the stairs and out the front door. When you got to the gate, you promptly unlocked it and ran onto the sidewalk toward the neighbor’s house.

You watched as a bunch of movers carried a myriad of boxes into the house. Where was the child? Your head whipped back and forth as you searched. The maid had never said if they were a boy or a girl, but you figured you’d be able to find them amongst the sea of adults. But you couldn’t seem to find them. Were they maybe inside?

You wondered if you could maybe sneak inside. Your parents would be mad if they found out. But it always felt like they were mad at you anyway; they never let you have any kind of fun.

“Excuse me?”

You jumped at the sound of a voice behind you. Slowly, you turned to find a young girl around your age.

“I… uh…” you tried to think of something to say, suddenly feeling nervous. “I… live next door.”

The girl’s smile brightened at the sound of your words. “Really?! It’s nice to meet you! My name is Eunju Kim!”

She outstretched her hand towards yours and after a moment of hesitation you extended your own hand to meet hers.

“I’m…”

“Mm…”

The dream fades out as you slowly begin to stir. Part of you wants to go back to sleep, but you’ve crossed too much of the conscious threshold to go back now. You blink your eyes open to find Eunju staring at you, an amused smile playing at her lips.

“Good morning, sunshine, or should I maybe say, good afternoon?”

Your face scrunches up a bit, “...what... time is it?”

“One in the afternoon,” she answers, the smile never leaving her face. “You know, you’ve been getting up late these days… is it perhaps because of your recent midnight visits to a certain screamer boy?”

You flush automatically at the mention of Saeran.

Eunju’s smile widens upon seeing your response and you look away from her, feeling even more embarrassed. After you told her that he’s not as bad as the screaming might imply, she’s taken every possible opportunity to tease you. Eunju leans closer toward you and asks, “...did you see him last night too?”

Part of you thinks that, at this point, it should be obvious, given what she just said. Despite that, Eunju merely watches and waits, an expectant look glowing in her eyes. Finally, you nod, “I… did.”

Looking delighted, Eunju follows up with another question, “Did you guys go on another garden date?”

Your face immediately heats up and you sputter, “Th-that wasn’t a date!”

“You don’t think so?”

“No! I just thought it would be a nice place to go since he’s always stuck in that room!”

Eunju raises an eyebrow and you have the feeling that she doesn’t believe you. “Then what did you do last night?”

“I…” you hesitate for the briefest second. You don’t really want to lie to Eunju but you also don’t want to tell her what you’re actually making. They’re supposed to be a surprise. “I was showing him how to make paper stars.”

“Paper wishing stars, huh…” She glances over at the table beside the hospital bed where a few tall jars filled to the brim with hundreds of the colorful stars sit. The both of you had worked on them together, slowly filling jar after jar over the past couple of months. Gingerly, she reaches in one of the jars and pulls out one single star and rolls it between her finger. Then she looks up at you, “...hey, do you have feelings for him?”

You can see where she’s coming from, but at the same time it seems like such an odd thing to ask. “...we haven’t known each other for very long… Plus I can’t even say I know him very well.”

“And since when has either of those things been a requirement for liking people?” Eunju argues in a gentle tone. “Some people click right away. Like how you and I did.”

You recall the dream you had earlier. After that very first introduction, you and Eunju had become the best of friends. And it’s been that way ever since. Acknowledging her point, you nod, though… “I’m not really sure if you can really say he and I clicked…”

“But you keep going back, don’t you?” she points out.

“And? Do you think I like him just because of that?” you frown a little bit.

“It’s just… I’ve never seen you so interested in someone else…” She pauses for a moment, then then adds in a thoughtful tone. “Maybe you don’t have feelings now, but I think that you definitely could if you gave it a shot. He certainly seems like he could be interested in you.”

You almost tell her that that’s not possible, pushing down the memories of the closeness from the night in the garden and the smile from night before. It probably wouldn’t be wise to look to much into his actions and assume his feelings from those, but along with those memories the memory of that fluttery feeling also comes to mind. And if all those love stories Eunju’s shoved your way over the years are any indication those feelings are possibly a prelude to more profound feelings. “I… maybe. It’s still… too early to tell.”

Eunju gives you a satisfied you a satisfied smile, “Maybe… You know, maybe it’d help if you actually went home once in a while and pick out some nicer clothes to wear when you visit!”

“What?!” you exclaim. “I do go home!”

Eunju crosses her arms, giving you a pointed look, “And when was the last time you went home?”

You take a quick second to think about it, “...two days ago.”

“...maybe I should ask the nurses to not let you use the showers so you go home frequently like a normal person.”

“Two days is not that long. Plus, you know as well as I do that I’ve stayed longer! Besides…” you pause to give her a cocky grin. “Who do you think the nurses are going you listen to- you or me, the hospital director’s kid?”

“...you never know, maybe they’ll listen to me; make you go home every night and give your parents some peace of mind.”

You scoff automatically, “I doubt they’re worried; they know where I am.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Eunju frowning with a concerned look in her eye. You know exactly what she wants to say. The two of you have had that conversation countless times over the years. You know where she’s coming from, why she has the opinion that she does. Eunju has a good relationship with her parents while yours is… complicated.

You barely saw them as a child, but they’d make all sorts of demands in regards to your education and extracurriculars without considering your feelings in the slightest. It was terrible, suffocating even. But through some miracle, they allowed you to spend time with Eunju and her family so long as your grades didn’t suffer. And even now you’re grateful for it; Eunju and her parents gave you a place to go when things got too hard or lonely at home and if it weren’t for that you may have turned out much worse off.

“...don’t say that… They’re just… busy, you know?” Eunju tells you in a soothing voice. “...I’m sure they care, they just have their own way of doing it.”

“...I guess,” you mutter bitterly. “...if they didn’t care, they probably would have ignored me completely when I asked if they’d help your family with the cost of you staying here.”

“...yes, and my family and I are eternally grateful for that.”

“It’s the least I could have done… given everything your family has done for me,” you say softly. The only benefit you’ve ever seen from being your father’s child is that it made it easy for Eunju to get access to treatment when she became ill. It was the first time you’d ever begged and pleaded with him for something. You’d like to think that maybe you got through somehow, but there’s a tiny part of you thinks he may have agreed to get you to leave him alone. “Everything is good, right? The room? The food?”

Eunju laughs a little, “Yes, yes, everything is just fine.”

You pout a tiny bit at her nonchalant answer, but you also know she probably wouldn’t tell you anything different. “...well, if you do need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask me.”

She smiles and nods when the both of you hear a knock on the door. A second later it slides open and reveals one of the nurses. She shoots the two of you a smile as she comes in with a tray in hand.

“I’ve brought your lunch!” the nurse says cheerfully, setting the tray down on the overbed table. Then, with a wave she heads back to the door. “I’ll be back to take the tray in about an hour!”

Eunju nods her head and starts to eat. In the meantime, you reach into your bag and fish out a bag filled with strips for making paper stars and busy yourself with making those. After a couple minutes, Eunju starts to finish up so you get up and walk over to the fridge on the other side of the room. You open it and inside is a long row of pudding cups that you bought for Eunju. While they’re not the most healthy treats in the world, the both of you have loved them ever since you were kids. Usually the both of you end up eating one a day. Two if it’s a really bad day.

“Why don’t you give one to Saeran?” Eunju suggests from behind you.

You turn to look at her, “You sure?”

She shrugs, “It’s not like I’m hurting for pudding. Besides, you’re the one who bought them after all.”

You look back at the pudding cups. Somehow, you doubt Saeran’s getting any sweet treats along with his meals outside of fruit. It’s not that fruit is bad, it’s just not the same though… But does he even like pudding? You don’t even know… What if he doesn’t? Would bringing a pudding offend him if he didn’t?

“What’s up?” Eunju asks, interrupting your internal debate.

“...what if he doesn’t like them?”

“What kind of person doesn’t like sweets?” Eunju responds in a matter-of-fact tone. “And on the off chance that he doesn’t, you can just eat it yourself. It’s a win-win, really.”

She has a point. If he likes it, then you’ve done something nice for him and if he doesn’t then you get pudding. You nod a little to yourself deciding that you’ll bring him one later. Then, you grab a pudding for you and Eunju before shutting the fridge. After you hand her one, you take yours back to your chair, popping it open the second you sit down.

You should probably have a proper lunch, but pudding will do for now. Using the tiny spoon that came with the pudding, you take a bite. You don’t know what they put in this pudding but it always tastes so good and before you know it you’re eaten the entire thing. Eunju, on the other hand, seems to be taking her time, she’s about halfway done by the time you finish.

There’s another knock at the door, and you glance in that direction wondering who it is. The door slides open and the person who walks in is Dr. Kwon, Eunju’s doctor. He glances at you first and smiles, “...I shouldn’t be surprised to see you here, should I?”

You bow your head respectfully, “Hello, Dr. Kwon…”

He nods, acknowledging your greeting and turns to Eunju, “And how are you feeling today?”

Eunju puts her spoon down and gives him a smile, “I’m doing well.”

“That’s good.”

He walks a little more into the room and and gives you an expectant look. Realizing that he wants to have a private talk with Eunju you rise from your chair. You shoot her a smile, “I’ll be back later.”

Eunju nods and you give her a small wave, and walk past Dr. Kwon out into the hall, shutting the door behind you. It’d probably be a good time to get lunch or something. You wonder if you should just get something from the hospital cafe or go to one of the nearby restaurants. Both the main entrance and the hospital cafe are in the same direction, so you figure you can think it over as you walk. You’ll pass Saeran’s room too, so maybe you can pop in and say a quick hello. It’d be different to see him during the daytime hours.

But as you start walking you realize that there are a couple people outside of Saeran’s door, one of the nurses and a young man with bright red hair. Too bad. You’ll just have to wait until later to see Saeran. The man talking with the nurse bows a little, looking somewhat apologetic before the nurse says something to him and walks away. You wonder if Saeran was causing problems again. But you didn’t hear screaming so it must have not been too bad.

Hearing your approach, the man turns his head toward you. Now that you can see his face a little better, something about him seems oddly familiar even though you’re fairly sure you’ve never seen him before. Someone like him seems like they’d stand out. You make eye contact and and his expression changes to something akin to recognition. But as you walk past he doesn’t say anything.

At least not at first.

“Excuse me?”

The two of you are the only ones in the hallway now so you’re the only person he can be talking to. You stop and turn around to face him. Now that you’re closer you can see him a little more clearly, and it becomes apparent to you why he looked so familiar.

The hair is different, and the eyes are different, but… this man looks a lot like Saeran.

#saeran x reader #mystic messenger fanfic #saeran x reader fanfiction #saeran choi #mystic messenger fanfiction

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whomping-weasleys · 8 years ago

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How Would You Feel? -Ed Sheeran

REQUEST: Anon: Hon, I’m all out of Fred Weasley fanfic, not sure if you write them but if you do one based on Ed Sheeran’s How Would You Feel? Maybe reader is spending the summer at the Burrow with the Weasleys?

PAIRING: Fred Weasley x reader

WARNINGS: Little, tiny, itsy bitsy, teeny weeny bit of angst, maybe? Idk. Tell me if I missed anything.

A/N: This is such a great request! I’ve never done a lyric based fanfic so I hope this is at least kinda close to what you were asking for. I, personally, am super proud of this one. I hope it’s not too long. Thanks for reading! <3 (oh and I’m on mobile so it won’t italicize so sorry about that)

A/N2: Characters and pretty much everything else do not belong to me. Please inform me of any typos or just ways I can improve. Also, plEASE REQUEST THINGS I LOVE REQUESTS AND WILL ACCEPT ANY AND ALL OF THEM.

———

The Burrow was bustling with redheads and company as the weather outside remained dreary. The Weasleys always had company. No matter the size of their home nor paycheck there was always room for one more.

You were currently sinking into the seemingly never-ending armchair by the fireside, enthralled in the flames and your own thoughts. The twins were busying themselves with different plans and formulas across the room, and the rest of the Weasleys were wandering in and out of each room. You didn’t truly know anybody very well in the Burrow, but when Mrs. Weasley caught wind of a student without a home for the summer, well, she practically packed your things for you.

“Hey,” One of the twins snuck up behind you, you couldn’t quite tell them apart yet but you thought it was Fred, smiling widely at how surprised you seemed to be that someone would speak to you.

•

“You are the one girl And you know that it’s true I’m feeling younger Every time that I’m alone with you”

•

You were flustered, you’d heard of the infamous Weasley twins but had never thought they would bother talking to you. Your fear must’ve shown because, “don’t worry, I don’t bite,” Fred paused, “most of the time.” He winked and your lips formed a small smile.

“Though, he does tend to pry,” George called from across the room. You almost thought you saw Fred blush from the corner of your eye.

“And tease,” Ginny said as she walked in and out as quickly as she came.

“And scare the living hell out of you,” Ron did the same.

“Really? My own family, how could you?” Fred paused, holding his heart dramatically, “how could you forget prank?” You laughed, and continued to do so with Fred and George until you were called for dinner.

Though Molly Weasley was possibly the best hostess one could have, you’d been worried how you’d get on with the others. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

You spent the majority of the next few weeks with Fred and George, though mostly Fred. You hadn’t had this much fun since you could remember. You could’ve mutually said you’d become best friends in these few weeks.

•

“We were sitting in a parked car Stealing kisses in the front yard We got questions we should not ask”

•

One night at the dinner table Mrs. Weasley began commenting on the amount of time the two of you had been. Your face heated up as Ron began hinting that more was happening than all you’d been telling them. You glanced up at Fred and, shockingly, he seemed just as embarrassed as you.

You had to admit to yourself, if no one else, you did have more feelings for the tall joker than you let on.

After cleaning up dinner, Ron’s conversation continued with some of his siblings, but in more detail, for lack of a better word.

“Sorry,” Fred mouthed to you, you’d never seen him so embarrassed. You laughed and shrugged in response. The two continued listening, amused,though also because you thought they might assume things if they noticed you two leaving together.

All eyes were now on Ron and it was your chance to leave. Fred gestured to the kitchen door and you followed him out.

“Sorry about Ron, this is the only time he’s been around an non-ginger girl, other than Granger, since… Well, I don’t think he’s really been around a lot of girls. He’s just trying to impress you,” he chuckled as he began making the two of you hot cocoa.

“Impress me? Why the hell would he want to do that?” You asked, genuinely surprised.

“Well why the hell not? You’re practically perfect,” he said it so casually you almost spat out your hot chocolate.

•

“In the summer, as the lilacs bloom Love flows deeper than the river Every moment that I spend with you We were sat upon our best friend’s roof I had both of my arms round you Watching the sunrise replace the moon”

•

“Hey, Y/N, I have something I wanna show you tonight, if you’re up for it,” Fred asked you as you walked into the kitchen for breakfast. Ron had begun laughing, what brains he had left out, at this statement (you’d become quite annoyed with his ongoing theories).

“What is it?” You asked cautiously, ignoring the giggling Ron.

“Well you’ll have to find out, won’t you,” he smirked. Still cautious, you agreed and waited anxiously until the set time.

You were waiting by the front door when Fred came running down the stairs, grabbed your hand, and continued on. His backpack grasping onto his shoulder, he dragged you to the broom shed, you both picking a considerably large amount of daisies along the way, and took both of your brooms. Through the fooling around and poking fun of each other, somehow, you’d made it up onto the roof of the Burrow.

“Well, this is our stop,” he said, looking up.

You hadn’t noticed how beautiful the stars were until now. Each star sparkled with a different light from the others. It was marvelous. When you looked back over at Fred he’d been staring at you but quickly looked away. You must’ve gotten something in your hair on the way here, you thought.

Fred began unpacking his bag. Four jumpers, sweets, a blanket, a sleeping bag, sweets, a thermos (presumably hot cocoa), water, more sweets, and a camera. He was always prepared. You laughed at the amount of sweets he’d brought, he looked at you like he was unaware one wouldn’t bring three bags of sweets on a trip to their rooftop.

The two of you sat down on the cold roof and starred up at the stars in peaceful silence. You looked over at him and he seemed just as entranced as you were, the wonder in his face made him even more handsome and fascinating than before.

When you both started talking it didn’t seem like you could stop. He asked the questions he’d been dying to ask for the month and a bit you’d been there. You found he was a man of more depth than he let on. His eyes would light up when talked about things he was particularly passionate about and would scowl when he heard of someone being rude to you, saying they’d “regret it later.” You made a daisy chain for each of your heads, he wasn’t very enthusiastic about it but he wore it anyways, and you both took more pictures than you could count. It was, quite possibly, the best night of your life up to this point.

After several hours of talking and laughing, you’d moved back to mostly to watching the sky, exchanging words and thoughts every once in a while, whilst each wearing three jumpers and sharing both the sleeping bag and blanket. You were having a competition of who could find the most constellations and shooting stars for the last bit of cocoa, you were winning.

“Oh I see one! Another point for me!” You bragged and he begrudgingly scraped another tally under your initial on the roof with a rock you’d found under your back.

“I don’t even think you’re seeing them anymore, you just want to win!” He accused you playfully.

“You’re just mad because I’m up by ten points.”

“Of course I’m mad; I’m down by ten points!”

“It’s not my fault I took astrology!” He rolled his eyes and looked back up. You both fell asleep soon after you won the cocoa.

You were startled awake by an excited Fred, who laughed at your scared reaction. You simply rolled your eyes at him.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that right?“ you stated, he just rolled his and pointed out at the sky impatiently.

You were in awe. It was just as beautiful as the night before but in a completely different way. The sun was climbing up over the treetops, shedding an orange light on anything in it’s path. You knew Fred was looking at you but you just smiled and continued watching; this was too wonderful to miss.

•

“How would you feel, if I told you I loved you? It’s just something that I want to do I’ll be taking my time, spending my life Falling deeper in love with you So tell me that you love me too”

•

Ron was on a roll again; telling his many “stories” about the two of you to his siblings. You had to step out to the front yard to cool down from all the blushing.

You stepped further out into the night, staring up at the stars. You were thinking about, to be completely honest, Fred. Possible love was always a difficult subject to, even temporarily, erase from ones mind. For Merlin’s sake, you’d only known him for two months, though you were leaving for hogwarts soon so this may have been your best chance. You were mental, but he often seemed to be equally so.

“There you are, Y/N, ‘was wondering where you’d gone,” Fred stated walking towards you from behind, making you jump. “Sorry about Ron, by the way, he can be a complete g–”

As he reached you, you turned, with a great jolt of courage and spontaneity, placing your hands on his neck, you brought his lips down onto yours. You were genuinely shocked when he kissed back. He moved his hands to your waist and held you close, deepening the kiss. You broke the kiss for air, earning a groan from Fred. All you could do was laugh, and the best part was; he laughed with you. You’d done it. Still holding each other, he placed a small kiss on your nose, you giggled. He kissed you again.

“How would you feel, if I told you I loved you?” He asked between kisses as he tried holding you impossibly closer.

“Ecstatic.”

“Well then; I love you,” he smiled his adorably childish smile as you kissed just bellow his lips.

“Well, I love you too.”

———

A/N: pretty sure this is the fastest I’ve ever written a decent fanfic so yippee! Thanks to all you babes who read this! :>

#fred weasley oneshot #fred weasley smut #fred weasley x reader #Fred Weasley x reader smut #Fred x reader oneshot #hogwarts #Harry potter #Hermione granger #Ron Weasley #George Weasley #george weasley oneshot #george weasley smut #George Weasley x reader #George Weasley x reader oneshot #George Weasley x reader smut #Fred Weasley #ah I made

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lawrenceremodel · 6 years ago

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Nas Denies Kelis Abuse Allegations While Pleading 'We Should Be Better Examples' for Son Knight

Some five months after his ex wife Kelis accused him of mental and physical abuse in an in-depth interview with Hollywood Unlocked, Nas is telling his side of the story.

On Thursday, the rapper, 44, shared a series of seven plain black Instagram posts with lengthy captions that explain his relationship with the “Milkshake” singer, 39 — especially in relation to the child they share, a boy named Knight Jones, born in July 2009.

“PART 1. The Price I Pay To See My Son,” he began before explaining that “a call from Essence about wife doing another sad fictitious story” prompted him to speak out.

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PART 1. The Price i Pay To See My Son. And apologies in advance for the typos as I am speaking from the heart as a man who has had enough. Today i got a call from essence about my ex wife doing another sad fictitious story. Nothing surprises me anymore, including this. This is what your life has come to sis? Exploiting some people’s Real struggle and pain…just to get at me….to get attention ? Fame? Another fight against men? We are a human family and we should be better examples for our son. Why is there even a issue for me to have time with my son. A son needs his father. So many absentee fathers out here and here i am being attacked by your accusations simply because i got us in court to help fix this the custody matter? Why did i have to take you to court to see our son? Why when i win the joint custody ( which is a win for both of us and our son, it helps us with both our schedules) why do you feel thats an attack on you? Is it control ? Why do you need to have control over my life? because we’re not together? Then why? Is this being rewarded and praised by people who are being taken advantage of by you and your lies? To all separated couples out there who are cordial and co parent nicely GOOD FOR YOU. I wish that was me. I’m the most chill cool parent there is. Who has time to argue ? About what? It’s about our little guy. You haven’t had to deal with what I’ve been dealing with. Trust me. I’m a mild mannered god fearing very fair human being who tries his hardest to please everyone. It’s my nature. I’ve seen this too many times before And there was times i thought Kelis my ex wife was not this type. This is the type of antics that deceive people and people mistakenly call it strong. Seems I always had more belief in you than you do for yourself. I instilled strength in my daughter who you were already so jealous of and treated poorly. Being jealous & verbally abusive to a Little girl.

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 4:54pm PDT

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PART 2. In life you have to work hard to be successful, not try to tear someone down for that’s the most coward way. Women are the essence of life. I cherish them. My strength is given to me from my mother. I am everything she taught me to be. I was raised in a single home by a single woman. I am a very proud black man. I shouldn’t have ignored the signs from your your first song and video I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. But I thought you was beautiful. You came into my life at a time i was grieving from my moms passing. You was a friend. Because of that i wanted to marry you. And i did. And we had a big lavish wedding. Overall there was too many good times. I have to say i wasn’t the most faithful husband. I was immature. I’m sorry about that. But you bumped your own head sis. Why do i have to live thru a constant divorce? It didn’t work out. Life goes on. I’m not coming back to you. Your married and im happy for you and I’m a extremely happy black brother out here trying to make a difference for my kids and the next generation of young people who see me as huge inspiration in music, art,business, education and so on. After 10 years of keeping my silence during a decade of dealing with very hostile behavior and verbal abuse and even your stepfather holding you back from one of your physical violent Attacks on me right outside your house THIS YEAR while trying to pick up our son while he watched from the window, it was my weekend and you denied me that because your parents were in town. I just went home. This has been my life for my son’s entire life. Even our son wonders why you treat me the way you do?

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 4:55pm PDT

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He continues, “Nothing surprises me anymore, including this … We are a human family and we should be better examples for our son. Why is there even a issue for me to have time with my son. A son needs his father.”

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PART 3. There’s some seriously crazy things i won’t i disclose for our son’s sake. Because you keep my son from me ive been going thru lawyers to stop you from this bullshit I’m tired of it. I’m tired of you painting a bad picture of me. I’ve been tired of it but you never seem to get tired. I even had to be in a relationship with you AGAIN after we separated just so i could see my son & I AM JUST TIRED. Back then you asked me why didn’t i stop the divorce from happening. I tried! We are too different. Some things aren’t meant to be. We were meant to be so that we could have our son. Nothing more. You didn’t like that. I prayed for your peace of mind for years because of your uneasy soul. I still do. I guess some things take time. You definitely don’t know me now and probably never knew me. You make up this image of me that’s not true but it’s funny because it’s really you describing yourself. You made up stories about me and claimed i did things that YOU DID. I hate all this, but you were a very jealous wife, and i had to deal with that and that’s the worst feeling. How much heat i had to take from producers, writers, music attorneys and record execs etc who felt your mean spirited wrath and dropped you from labels, from startrack to them all. I stopped talking to jungle & steve stoute because of you & almost lost Anthony because of you.

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 4:58pm PDT

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PART 4. You used to turn my phone off so my professionals couldn’t reach me and take the battery. You insulted any and everyone whoever was around me. Not a single person in my life loved or could even stand you. Luckily for you our assistants all signed NDA’s or you would have a list of men and women who would happily talk about how verbally abusive and evil you are. Your self saboteur ways has caused you your grief your dealing with. Not me. The altercations you speak of are no more different from what most normal couples go thru, but your exaggerated version is UNJUST. Whenever one is constantly attacked the instinct is to restrain that person or defend yourself to prevent escalation. In hindsight now my advice to young men out there in a situation like that is to RUN at the very first sign of verbal abuse or physical. I herd you said terrible things about me. It makes me feel sad how heartless you can be. You play with strong women’s struggles like they mean nothing. You’re taking advantage of a moment in time where women who are fighting for their lives to get justice and be treated fairly & you just looked at it as an opportunity to get ahead. Like abuse is a game? Like tearing down your son’s father is a game. You have a son! Why are you still competing with me by telling him bad things about me. Guess what sis, he has eyes and ears and smart as ever. i don’t have to say anything. I think he knows what’s really good. You will NOT stop me from fighting for my son. You tell him GOD doesn’t love his dad because his dad doesn’t goto church.

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 4:59pm PDT

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In the next installment, Nas discussed his view of women and the beginning of his relationship with Kelis, writing, “I was raised in a single home by a single woman. I am a very proud black man. I shouldn’t have ignored the signs from your first song and video I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. But I thought you was beautiful. You came into my life at a time i was grieving from my moms passing. You was a friend. Because of that i wanted to marry you. And i did.”

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PART 5. Didn’t want to bring up money but since that’s the fuel behind all of this Let me say that I gave you the tools to be successful after you was dropped from your label. I paid for your cooking school cordon blue. The expensive yellow stove we had flown in from Europe. I helped pay for the remodeling of your house. Your assistant stole thousands from my cc according to Amex. Out of all people you should be completely understanding of my my grind. But you just can’t win with you. My schedule is CRAZY but you never help me see my son. I’m hardly allowed to talk to him on the phone. Ever. My lawyer told me bring the cops to your house and show my court orders when you don’t let me get him or answer your phone but who besides you wants to show their kids that his parents are that out of control? I’ve been going thru lawyers to stop you from this bullshit for years. I finally got our custody together to work with both our schedule thru court, while leaving court you tell me your gonna get me back for fighting to see my son and 3 weeks later you’re on camera doing an interview about “your truth”. Interesting timing. Do what you want just don’t violate another court order sis because the judge won’t like that at all. The judge already ordered you to pay my legal fees because he was tired of you wasting everyone’s time in court. No lawyer wants to represent you after what you put them thru. That’s why you texted me today asking me for more child support money-and you want to keep it out court. You will NOT stop me from fighting for my son. Remember GOD sees all. And I’m no longer allowing you to take advantage of the fact that I did not want to respond in a manner that could affect my kids , friends or family publicly. THAT ENDS TODAY.

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 5:06pm PDT

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PART 6. Everything with her is a plot and a scheme. Has no merit. No foundation I didn’t Wana speak up because i have real respect for our women. And definitely my son. I do not beat women. I did not beat up my ex wife. Stop. You got beat up in court. How much money do you want? Do you want me to relinquish my rights to see my son is that what you want? Just tell me. After all the tweets and posts you made thru the years disrespecting me and my family I still have love for you as the mother of my child BUT I am done with this. This game ends now and GOD will be the judger of all this. And although you tell everyone GOD hates me (some Christian you are) I will survive and thrive from this moment because I know who I am & you have not a clue who you are.

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 5:07pm PDT

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Nas continued, taking shots at Kelis’ character: “You insulted any and everyone whoever was around me. Not a single person in my life loved or could even stand you. Luckily for you our assistants all signed NDA’s or you would have a list of men and women who would happily talk about how verbally abusive and evil you are.”

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PART 7. And to all the fans that knew my silence was due to the fact that I don’t openly do this kind of petty shit… I appreciate you riding. And to those that were lead down a wrong path… I get it… very sensitive times and all things must be taken seriously. This is MY TRUTH. And I don’t care what else she has left to say unless it concerns our son. This is the first and last time I’m addressing this. Despite all of this I still hope for the best for her because whats best for her is what’s best for Knight. Love, NASIR BIN OLU DARA JONES

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 5:10pm PDT

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Then, the “I Can” hitmaker addressed the custody arrangement he and Kelis reached in March and the Hollywood Unlocked interview: “I finally got our custody together to work with both our schedule thru court, while leaving court you tell me your gonna get me back for fighting to see my son and 3 weeks later you’re on camera doing an interview about ‘your truth’. Interesting timing.” He also urged her not to “violate another court order.”

RELATED: Victoria Beckham Slams Divorce Rumors as She Poses with Husband David: ‘We’re Stronger Together’

In part six of seven, Nas explicitly denied the abuse allegations: “I do not beat women. I did not beat up my ex wife. Stop. You got beat up in court. How much money do you want? Do you want me to relinquish my rights to see my son is that what you want? Just tell me.”

And to conclude, the rapper explained that he had stayed silent for so long because he doesn’t “do this kind of petty s—” adding, “This is MY TRUTH. And I don’t care what else she has left to say unless it concerns our son. This is the first and last time I’m addressing this. Despite all of this I still hope for the best for her because whats best for her is what’s best for Knight.”

RELATED: Kelis Lists $1.9 Million L.A. Home and Announces ‘We’re Buying a Farm’

Nas and Kelis divorced in 2010 but did not reach a custody agreement regarding Knight until March of this year. According to TMZ, they have also been battling over the amount of child support Nas should pay. Kelis is also mother to Shepherd Mora, born in November 2015. She is married to Mike Mora.

This past April marks the first time Kelis spoke out about her relationship with Nas, calling it a “really dark” time in her life. “There was a lot of drinking. There was a lot of mental and physical abuse,” she recalled. “I probably would have stayed longer had I not been pregnant because I really did love him and because we were married. We weren’t dating, we were married. Like, this was my person.”

RELATED: Kelis Accuses Ex Nas of ‘Mental and Physical Abuse’ During 5-Year Marriage: ‘It Was Really Dark’

She continued, “I’ve waited nine years to say anything. I have never talked about this man, ever. The amount of airing out that I could do, and I’ve chosen not to … Our kids will find out. They’re finding out now. I’ve never painted myself as a saint. Did he hit me? Mmhm. Did I hit him back? Mmhm.”

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