#if the apostrophes are weird let me know idk what's happening to my posts

[girls-scenarios]

Monsters Behind My Eyelids

Idol: Amber (f(x))

Prompt: Sometimes she felt nothing at all, until she felt everything at once.

Writer: Admin Kiwi

A/N: This was not requested but I have been feeling a lot of things and the only way I know how to deal with them is to write. Sorry for not posting requests. I hope you guys enjoy though.

Warnings: Angst, dark themes, loneliness, post breakup

Amber didn’t really know when it got dark outside. It was only after closing out of the video game that she’d been playing since she woke up that she cared to glance at the clock. 9pm. Way too late, and her eyes burned and her head ached, but there was no way she’d be able to sleep. She knew better. Knew the feeling of the insomnia knocking at the back of her eyelids.

With a sigh, she stood up and wandered into the kitchen, even though she wasn’t really hungry. She stood in front of the fridge and thought about how little she’d eaten, and how it had all been junk food, but she felt sick at the idea of eating any more and she had nothing fresh so she just grabbed another water bottle and closed the door. The house was dark, but she knew her way around, so she didn’t bother to turn on any lights as she padded into the bathroom to turn on the shower.

Usually a shower made her feel better, kind of washing away the weird feelings that piled up in her chest on nights like this. Tonight, though, she just got out feeling overheated and exhausted. The headache behind her eyes had grown, despite her attempt to silence it with painkillers. It was with a groan that she sank into bed and buried her face into the pillows, squeezing her eyes shut and willing herself to at least catch a wink of sleep.

After laying that way for a while, and getting nowhere, she gave up and flipped back over to grab her laptop. Her mouse hovered over her game folder before she decided against it and opened up her book app instead, scrolling through the many books she’d bought and never read. One book of romantic short stories caught her eye, and she clicked on it as she reached over to grab her headphones. When the words popped up on the screen, she’d already plugged them into her phone and pressed play on whatever Spotify playlist popped up first.

It wasn’t until she was a few songs in that she realized that they were all sad. She still couldn’t be bothered to turn it off, methodically pressing the down button as she read, lifeless.

Maybe it was because her brain had almost shut off that she didn’t even realize that she was crying until something wet hit her collarbone. Slowly, she brought a hand up to wipe at her face, but now that she was aware of her own tears, they began to flow faster, harder, until she was full on sobbing. 

That deep feeling of longing and loneliness had settled deep in her chest without her noticing, and now it burst out, unhindered as the clock neared midnight. It seemed like letting them be felt had just opened the floodgates, and Amber fell back onto her bed, feeling all the feelings she’d been too afraid to give a name to as she pressed her hands to her face.

Her lungs and eyes burned, and she felt so exposed even though she was laying all alone in a dark empty room. Her chest and shoulders felt heavy as she fought to catch her breath and calm down her racing mind.

It was always like this when she remembered things she didn’t want to remember. When she felt the things she’d locked away for so long. Not everyone could be strong all the time, but damn, she’d tried, and that made the breakdowns all that more painful.

Taking deep breaths, she sat up again, scrubbing at her face and yanking the headphones out of her ears. In that moment, sitting up with her eyes wild, she felt an array of emotions.

She felt angry, hurt, upset and cold. And then she felt numb. As soon as it had all come, it all left.

And she didn’t know which one she preferred to feel.

Like a reminder, your name popped up when she opened her phone and clicked on her messages. Her finger hovered over your name as she looked at the message she’d sent you over a month ago.

“I hope you’re doing well.”

The numbness spread through her limbs and she swallowed, scrolling up and away from your name. Instead, she opened her conversation with Luna. Quickly, she typed out a message before turning off the phone and falling back onto the bed, letting her eyes close.

Thoroughly exhausted, she didn’t even bother to grab her covers or clear the bed of her things. She just laid there, and let the night consume her. 

“Make sure I wake up tomorrow.”

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[nebulous-wanderings]

Tsukista TV Ep 6 Summary Notes

This last episode of Tsukista TV focused on Tomotsune Yuuki, who plays Shun, and Doi Kazumi, who plays Kai. (I can’t help but notice that Blue Moon beer logo on the side of the bar in the above screencap lol). These Tsukista TV episodes were a lot of fun to watch, and it gave us more insight into the actors’ lives and personalities. Also, the Tsukiusa Taisou will be stuck in my head forever... I still haven’t written anything for the first episode yet, but that should be posted next week. I’ll put links to all 6 of my episode posts on my Scans/Translations/Misc. page once I’m finished. Thanks for reading!

For the intro bit, they were all doing these weirdly serious faces/poses

(All of them being weird)

Because this was Procella’s seniors’ episode, Shuuto wanted to do the intro part that Tomotsune usually does. Tani shouted (directly into Shuuto’s right ear) “GANBARE!!!”

After that, Shuuto gave Tani the “Explain Procellarum” challenge again, but this time he was only allowed 4 seconds. (The first time it was 10 seconds and the second time was 6 seconds) Obviously, Tani did not have time to say much (lol)

Discussing a surprising aspect of Tomotsune:

Yuusaku says he’s like a professional sports player and Tomotsune silently motions for Yuusaku to continue speaking. Yuusaku says there’s various stuff like his powerful movements and his flexibility

Tomotsune said he wasn’t able to “open his legs” at first (I’m assuming this means doing a split or just being able to stretch his legs far in general) but because he stretches regularly he’s able to do it now.

Everyone calls him strong (lol)

Tomotsune’s Image:

Tani: “I’m glad he’s the leader.” Even during practices, Tomotsune would always be a leader. Tani also calls him a big-brother type.

Tsubasa was about to say something but then Tomotsune cut him off and was like, “Ok that’s enough.” Shuuto’s yelling “Let him talk~”

(Tsubasa being taken aback)

Once they let him speak, Tsubasa says Tomotsune has a lot of charisma. “Yoshiki-san [Tani] said he’s a leader, but I think it’s more than just that.” “I think he definitely has a charismatic aura.” “I get the feeling he was born to bring people together.” *Tomotsune high-fives Tsubasa after he says this*

Discussing an unknown aspect of Doi:

They call him Doi-chan (lol)

Tani: “Doi-chan is… an alien.” (Tani just said 宇宙 = uchuu, but 宇宙人 = uchuujin = alien refers to a person whose actions and thoughts are weird to you; you can’t understand why they do what they do)

Yuusaku: “He goes at a 45° angle” (meaning he does things differently than most) “As they say in baseball, he’s like a kunckleball.” (A knuckleball is a type of baseball pitch that has an erratic and unpredictable motion.) Tomotsune agrees.

Shuuto: “He’s a natural airhead.” Tani: “He really is an airhead, like an eel.” (idk what he means by that)

Shuuto: “That time it looked like the shoes he wore grew wings, (I think Doi bought some sneakers with external wing flaps on them or something) he said ‘Why is it difficult to move my legs?’ Isn't it because of those bulky shoes??!”

Tsubasa says he’s Doi is the type that’s liked by people both younger and older than him. “When I’m troubled, Doi is the person that says the kindest things.” Doi responds by saying he was once a young novice and he knows the feeling of wanting to be a better person, so that’s why he wants to see Tsubasa continue to keep working hard.

Yuusaku: “During the stageplay, I’d say ‘Doi~ Doi~ Doi~ Kazumi~’ and that projected a different image of Doi” “He has a strong [acting] talent.” “He was okay with me doing that gag, but the real Doi Kazumi and the Doi Kazumi we think he is are two completely different people. So maybe if we take these two separate Doi’s and put them together, it’ll make an even more amazing Doi.” wwww

(“Doi~ Doi~ Doi~ Kazumiiiiii” *shakes finger* This gag is in Yumemigusa)

Tani: “As was with Yuusaku’s private life, I know almost nothing about Doi’s private life. I don’t know where he goes after work or what he likes to eat. Doi-chan is the most mysterious.”

Doi: “I’ll eat anything.” Shuuto: “That’s like the opposite of Little Red Riding Hood! wwww” (I’m pretty sure he meant Goldilocks from Goldilocks and the Three Bears since she was picky and only ate the porridge that was ‘just right.’)

Tani tells a story about when he, Shuuto, and Doi were eating dinner together at the airport in Taiwan (this was from the time they went to Taiwan for the Tsukista fan event). Everyone else had gotten Chinese food (because they were in Taiwan, obviously), but Doi was sitting in a different spot so Tani went over to him and was like “Oh what are you eating?” and he was just eating spaghetti and meat sauce. Everyone’s reactions are “For real? Eating pasta in TAIWAN???” wwww Shuuto, sarcastically: “What a genius”

Doi tries to defend himself saying since they were in Taiwan, didn’t they want to try and act all cool and stuff? Shuuto and Tani just laugh lol

(Doi said “To be continued” in English lol)

Shuuto introduces the next segment by saying it’s learning about Tomotsune and Doi’s “origins.” Tomotsune said “What do you mean ‘origins?!’”

Tomotsune and Doi do a cute segway into the next segment. (“pyon” is the onomatopoeia for a rabbit jumping)

(“It’s starting, pyon~”)

Tomotsune’s “Everyday Life” video

Doi comments about how long Tomotsune’s hair is in the video.

(He starts combing his bangs over his eyes)

Cut to him getting his haircut at the salon. He says the next day he has a filming which is why he needs to get his hair cut. He wants the length to go back to how it’s supposed to be.

(Tomotsune getting a haircut)

Cut to him after the haircut - Tomotsune in the video: “It’s finished~”

(Showing off the end result)

Before he filmed that last part of the video, Tomotsune said he ate dinner.

Doi’s “Everyday Life” video:

Tomotsune goes to play the video and says “double-click” in English (idk i just found it funny lol)

The video starts with just a large July tsukiusa visible and Doi speaking in a weird voice as if he’s talking as the tsukiusa. Then as the tsukiusa he says “Today we have Fuduki Kai’s stage actor, Doi Kazumi. Doi Kazumi-san, if you please~” And then he moves the camera further out so you see him sitting next to the tsukiusa.

Doi: “Hello~ *looks over to the plushie* Thanks, tsukiusa.” The rest of the video is him with a generic message kind of thing about being a part of Procella, them working hard on stage, and that he hopes the audience continues to support them. 

(Doi and his tsukiusa)

At one point though, his Kansai dialect slipped out a bit but he corrected himself in the video. Tomotsune made fun of it anyways lol

Tomotsune was laughing throughout the entire video. Afterwards, he said sarcastically, “That’s some normal ‘everyday life’ stuff in the video, huh”

Doi said it took him about 10 takes to get that final video (lol)

Doi: “It was all for a lonely person, wasn’t it (referring to himself). *turns around in his seat to look at the large July tsukiusa behind him on the set* Right Blue-usa? Me talking to you…”

Tomostune: “Disgusting…” Doi: “Hey!!” Tomostune: “It’s frightening [to watch him talk to the tsukiusas]” www

Reflecting on the life of actors:

Doi tries to remember some date, as in calendar date, but then he thinks Tomotsune is thinking he’s talking about a date that you go on with another person so he’s like “not that kind of date” www

Tomotsune: “There was a time when I thought I wanted to quit. But the thing that stopped me from doing so was the support from fans. It really was the voices of fans. They’re important. And the closest fans are your parents.” “When I first entered the acting world, they were really against it.”

Doi says he gets scared/nervous every time he performs on stage.

I couldn’t tell if Tomotsune was making up an example or telling a personal anecdote, but he was talking about how everyone gets nervous. Like when something unexpected happens on stage, e.g. someone forgets their line, but then in a split second you think of what to do in that moment to fix the situation.

Doi recalling becoming peers with other actors:

Doi says when he was starting out, his butai senpais taught him everything.

Tomotsune talks about how when there’s difficult songs and dances they need to learn, he appreciates the kind of person that gets angry over them not doing well enough. To him, they get angry out of love and care. Doi says he’s glad Tomotsune said that.

(“It’s been fun!”)

Tsukiusa T-shirt Designs:

While drawing his design, Tomotsune realized he ran out of space to fit the word he was writing so he’s like “sorry, everyone T_T”

(Revealing their designs)

Tomotsune thought the wheels on the train on Doi’s design were takoyaki. Tomotsune: “Takoyaki?” Doi: “Nononononono”

Doi’s design is a tsukiusa riding on the SL Ginga (a steam-powered train that’s used for special events and excursions). It says “7” and “Fuduki Kai” in the steam cloud. (I couldn’t read what’s written on the bottom-left corner because of his handwriting and it’s so small)

Tomotsune’s design says “Tsukista.” “11” “Shun,S” (He romanized the katakana so that’s why the ‘s’ in ‘tsukista’ is missing. Btw idk if the “Shun,S” part is supposed to be short for Shun Shimotsuki or if that comma should be an apostrophe so it says “Shun’s” instead)

Tomotsune: “It’s very ‘Maou-sama’” Doi: “It looks cool”

[breakingjen]

life update

long time coming eh? stuff has been going on since the last time, which is why i’ve been very sporadic with my blogging because lack of not only physical but mental energy. being an empathetic, emotional, bipolar person is fun (note the sarcasm). without further ado, stuff can be read under the cut.

last time i left off with not knowing what would happen after august 31st, well they prolonged my vocational rehabilitation til october 2nd - which would make it a year in the same workplace. however, my anxiety didn’t really go away because i still didn’t know what would happen or if i’d manage to increase my work hours. about 5 weeks ago a different person than my person from the spes called my ‘boss’ telling him i would need to try increasing my work hours from 4h/day to 6h/day before the meeting scheduled 3 weeks later. so that same day i went from 4h/day to 5h/day and for the rest of that week and the next it kinda worked pretty well, although i was tired as hell and barely managed to do anything after work. now, the week after that (the week prior to the meeting) i had to start trying 6h/day which did not work at all. that wednesday i broke down 3 times at work due to exhaustion and the fact that i was pretty much heading towards depression and the next day after the first breakdown of the day i told my ‘boss’ and my supervisor that it wasn’t working (i was unable to do house chores and other stuff besides work plus my work took longer to do as well - not good signs). so that same day i was told to immediately go back to 5h/day, which i did and then the meeting was the wednesday after that. during that meeting this new person from the spes informed me and my ‘boss’ and my other ‘boss’ (and ceo of the company) about this subsidiary they would get in the event that they decided to employ me and it was decided that that was what was going to happen. the ceo/my boss’ boss and i had our own meeting after in which we went over my employment (incl my pay). so basically after that day it was a done deal, even tho no contract had been signed - that happened two days later. on friday the 29th me and my boss (no apostrophe needed anymore bc he is my boss now) signed my contract and as of tuesday october 3rd i am an employee with actual pay. it feels kinda weird because i haven’t had actual employment in 4 years but i’m so freaking happy that they wanted to keep me at the company and decided to employ me and give me a pretty good pay (after living on subsistence level for so many years my new pay is a huge relief - i don’t have to struggle to pay bills&debts every month now). so happiness is a real feeling i’m having.

now on to something else that’s kept me away from regular blogging...

other than the rollercoaster described above i’ve been extremely worried and upset about my mom. my mother hasn’t been feeling too good for quite a while now, some of her problems i’ve been aware of for months, but others she's been having i didn’t know about until until a couple of weeks ago. three weeks ago she finally went to the doctor because her lymph nodes were swollen, and several places on her hands were as well plus she had pain in most of her body, her thyroid gland was swollen, as well as some other stuff. they drew her blood and stuff and sent a referral for ultrasound of the throat/thyroid gland. the next week she was back at the doctor’s office for reasons i can’t really remember atm, but i know she’d written down a list of all her problems (or symptoms) that she gave to him. and she also told him that her daughters (mostly me, seeing as we’re neighbors and i see her more frequently than my sisters do plus i’d told her that if the doctor didn’t believe her she could call me and i’d talk to him) say that this isn’t her. which is true, she’s not one to complain about her ailments or physical problems (for example, she was having intestinal problems like a decade ago and she very rarely complained about it even tho she later has said that she was in pain everyday during that time) - she’s the kind of person who goes to work even if she’s sick, so this is out of character for her. she got an appointment for the ultrasound, which was tuesday this past week. she called me once it was done and told me that it had revealed a 2cm (that’s centimeter, i have no idea what that would be in inches or whatever) large lump next to the thyroid gland. we don’t know what that lump is yet but to say that we’re not scared/worried right now would be a lie. babysis even broke down in tears when mom told her and she immediately started researching thyroid cancer, sis sent mom a flower delivery for strength (she lives several hours away by car) and is of the opinion that there’s no need to worry really until we know what it is or isn’t, my 3rd sister apparently instantly asked “so you have cancer?” and myself? well, i cried after the call and have researched both thyroid cancer as well as throat cancer and two nights ago i had an honest to god breakdown about the possibility that my mom might have cancer (oh god i really freaking hope not). BUT as i said, we don’t know what it is until they’ve done a biopsy on the lump - which is being done this coming tuesday (oct 10th). although idk how long it’ll take to analyze the sample once they’ve got it. but until then, let’s hope for the best. you’re the first i’ve told about this, i haven’t spoken to anyone else other than mom and my sisters about it and i think it’s beginning to take a toll on me.

one last thing, which is another reason i don’t come on as often/regularly as usual.. i’m feeling pretty low in general this time of year and my doctor took blood samples from me to check the lithium levels (in case we’d need to increase the dose i take every day) and vitamin d levels in my blood - apparently i’m low on vitamin d, so that’s something i’ve gotta start taking on the regular now. 

..and the world is a horrible place and it hits me hard to read about it sometimes, especially during what i’ve been telling you about above, so i tend to step away from it for the sake of my own mental health - me being depressed and unable to get out of bed would do no one any good. so sometimes self care in the form of staying away from possible news sources is something i need to do. especially now that i have the responsibility of a job, with people who depend on me to do said job.

/jen xo

ps. sometimes i’ve been online without blogging but instead liked 97.8% of my dash (my likes currently amount to 25.8k posts), so a queue will be set up sometime in the hopefully near future so there’s regular content on this blog even if i’m not here.