#if she had shown remorse of any kind i might've been able to forgive her | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zeussim · 2 years

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I used to bar my door with a chair to prevent my mom barging in and yelling at me when I'd left dinner before I was allowed to (often because of an argument). And I was like 'this is normal. This is what parents are like.' No it's fucking not. Or at least they're not supposed to be like that.

#the chair would only make her angrier #and she would force me to come down and i would sit there stonefaced #because if I cried they would blame it on my sensitivity #it happened from I was 9-14 #she mellowed when she discovered I had depression and suicidal thoughts #if she had shown remorse of any kind i might've been able to forgive her #but instead as soon as she could she told everybody she knew I was depressed #so she could get their sympathy #if she has the opportunity she'll talk about how hard it was waiting for me while I was seeing a therapist #turning all attention to herself #yes I understand she partly does it because of the way my dad have treated her but it still doesn't excuse anything #all the times she would yell at me as a child #i remember being 5 and probs having a tantrum and I couldn't stop crying because she kept yelling at me #and she yelled STOP CRYING and I didn't know what to do because I couldn't so I stuttered that I couldn't stop crying #Ive always had to put her feelings before my own it's such an asymmetrical relationship #she can say what she likes I'm not allowed to be angry but I cant say anything or she will guilt or scold me #like just asking her to clean her knives properly and I get the BUT I'm a VICTIM speech #she always sees herself as a victim and even though I understand why it doesn't mean I have to forgive #nonsims #tw trauma #tw depression #im still undoing my parents' brainwashing tbh

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