#if ppl cant deal with me having more of a character and relationship perspective (in the character and relationship perspective fic)

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 112 & 113 (part 2)

I hate that this chapter is cut... mainly cuz it deals with the most “ horribly presented” theme in furuba anime.... grief.

-The shame of grieving: “ Rarely discussed theme in Literature”:

When a love one dies... ppl differ in how they deal with it. Some cry their hearts out, some become depressed & painfully lonely, others get angry or cynical, some might deny it, some move on quickly, others move on but years after the realization crushes them, others stay still... Above all, you feel ashamed of yourself if you didn’t move on or if you DID move on.. “ Sometimes ppl around you judge you for it... for your grief”

The later is the theme of these two chapters. Rarely discussed themes & it saddens me that it is cut. You see, Furuba anime doesn’t get grief  at all. To them, it’s a small part of the generic protagonist after she finishes her job of nurturing the real main protagonist. Mothers are strong, they help us cross the bridge between childhood & adulthood. Tohru, the show’s mom, did it so thoroughly & in slow visual & narrative details for yuki. Afterwards, the anime brushed whatever is left of her character, which the anime viewed as sheer suspenseful drama, & collected it thro 3rd person story-telling techniques in one ep “ se3, ep6″ & excessive monologue for 10 minutes in se3, ep9.

In this chapter, Kakeru, a side character, sheds light into this theme. Kakeru didn’t lose a parent by death, didn’t grieve, has no dependent familial bonds with either dead parents “ kyoko & komaki’s dad”. Yet, kakeru stood & judged tohru on how she “ should” grieve. Harshly tearing her down while she’s standing there lonely, trying to hide her shock at the loss of her only pillar in life, broken & traumatized, dealing with the pushed down traumatic feelings from her past where her mom abandoned her as a child..now her mom did it again, this time thro death.. & kakeru, rightfully not knowing all that, but wrongfully lecturing her on how to behave... kakeru isn’t a monster, but he only saw what he wanted: komaki & how the world should grieve with his lover, how he should be the hero protecting her. So self-centered, insensitive, horribly cruel & unbelievably conceited, but above all... what he did is so sadly common... it hurts.

-Judging Grieving People:

As I said many times.. grief is so personal, so unique to the person & as common as it is, so misunderstood. According to kakeru & many ppl I’ve sopken to lately, tohru should have acknowledged komaki. Komaki, the not-traumatized version of tohru, did the right “ tohru-like” thing. Not only felt sadness at the loss of her own dad, but found it in her heart to visit the other orphan, tohru, & give condolences & respect to the dead mother. Such kindness & purity. Very deserving of applaud: To not only see your pain but others’ as well. Tohru has always done the “ right, kind” thing to other ppl. When she can’t now, the author brought another “ tohru” to do the “ right, kind” thing.

Kakeru is so many ppl. During my brother’s funeral. I’ve heard so many gossip on how my mom should’ve stood tall & greeted the visitors.” Being silent , emotionless & non-responsive is not how you show visitors you value their kind words”, they said. How his widow should’ve collected herself & acted properly, respected his memory by taking proper care of herself & her kids. “Being a broken mess is not how you “ honor” loved one”, they said. Kakeru is indeed many ppl & that’s how you discuss a theme by creating characters who sin, screw up & be cruel, even if momentarily.

Kakeru is wrong. There is no “ you should have” in grief. There is no ounce of truth in his demeaning lecture to tohru & I respect komaki for her reaction to him so much. Kakeru did learn & grew from it, apologized to tohru even if he didn’t actually sought her to do so & even if she herself started the apology. But you see, these two chapters are 90% focused on kakeru as a character, his growth, thoughts, the mini focus on his relationship with komaki as an example of healthy relationship & all that is another lesson for yuki to observe & learn. He learned abt tohru’s past, kakeru’s personality & growth & got to observe another example of romantic relationship so yuki can grow as a man & approach machi healthily. But then again... nothing at all stops yuki/machi from being healthy, no past issues, no contradicting personalities “ they’re quite similar” & yuki is the only furuba character that doesn’t screw up big. He learns & teaches. He’s the personification of the author.

-Tohru.. stays a “ tohru”:

Tohru’s part is 10% of the this chapter which is fine as I think/hope it will lead into more tohru depth in the following chapters. But It is for this reason I’m glad this chapter was cut in the 13 eps season of furuba anime, cuz tohru doesnt have much depth in the anime due to the quick wrap up & the la~~~~st  thing I want is another 3rd person story-telling flashback abt tohru in the anime. Honestly, one of the most frustrating aspect to me of the anime & I’ll hold judgement abt manga- tohru till I reach its end. So far~~~ Tohru’s depth & character exploration gets better one chapter, then regress the next one, then moves on, the... it’s a fluctuating process. It has nothing to do with tohtu’s feelings.

you’ see ... kyo himself as a character with issues fluctuates a lot, he does sth good, then does sth bad, chooses right words, then makes a horrible mistake & chooses wrong! which is one of the most well-done aspects of character exploration that is rarely attempted by authors! I highly respect Takaya-san for what she’s doing with kyo in the manga so far. Other authors show us a character doing one big mistake & then he/she learns from it in a dramatic way. But Takaya-san, nope! she decided to approach it in a very human way, making us be frustrated with kyo’s repeated mistakes yet understands where he’s coming from! kudos to her!!

But I’m not yet satisfied with how tohru is portrayed in the manga & this has nothing to do with tohru’s character. Takaya-san is discussing rare themes thro tohru’s character. But what I mean is how tohru is approached thro the viewers/readers eyes. I wont judge until the last chapter. but this is the part that is frustrating to me.

Side Notes:

The flow of the 2 chapters is little off. We go back & forth between the past & the present, between yuki-machi & komaki-kakeru. Again, I’m so glad the anime cut it cuz, nope! they can’t handle such narrative. they’ll reorder it in a such heavily monologing way & insert the comedy abruptly to lighten the mood. Just look at how the comedy is inserted in momiji’s se03 ep!

Komaki is such a tohru with a sprinkle of kagura’s very softened outbursts. lol. she’s fun!

I’m liking yuki-machi interactions a lot. no drama, which is why the anime cut it -_-’, but it progresses healthily. Machi is yuki’s third-stage growth after (1) leaving tohru’s nest (baby yuki), (b) making friends with kakeru/someone who gets him (young boy yuki), (3) finding romantic love (being a man). The anime was so interested in the 2 stages above cuz that’s where the drama is & cut the third. Honestly, the anime didn’t have to include everything as there is never a space in 13 eps, but they certainly could’ve squeezed few panels or even made brand new very short yuki-machi scenes. but the anime weirdly decided after yuki “ saved” machi from her trauma by talking with her in her apartment, he should just marry her.... lol.. that’s why next scene is ep 5 momiji’s ep intro montage where yuki was abt to confess!!! making yuki-machi the least developed couple in the anime!

I love all furuba’s characters, but yuki, tohru, kyo & akito carry the big themes, therefore, I not only analyze their characters, but how the themes are presented thro them & how their presentation affects such themes. This might make it sound as I hate them or am harsh on them. not at all. It is the anime director/ manga author that I’m positively or negatively criticizing most times. Most importantly, my criticism is not the law. It’s just my perspective & my consumption of the material. Feel free to differ with me. I dont mind it. It brings interesting discussions!

When it comes to tohru’s issues... his chapter introduced nothing new. We have seen/read in canon repeatedly that tohru hides her pain behind a smile (heck! even kisa knows that & told us), that she cant stand up for herself much, that she smiles for other ppl not for herself. All this was presented thro so many characters already, which is why I understand the anime’s decision to cut it. What’s new? that yuki didn know tohru’s smile is mostly a mask & that kakleru has depth.

I love this chapter for the grieving themes it discussed that are rarely touched upon in literature, but since such themes are rarely presented, the anime’s decision to cut it, ironically proves my point! lol . They don’t get grief & so, they reduced it to se03 content & two eps worth. sad.. but expected. The anime is indeed another form of “past” kakeru: seeing one side of grieving person. The happy side.

[msgrumpygills]

Hi! I don't consider myself a active part of the SPN fandom but i do check in on your blog regularly and I really enjoy the space you give everyone.

I wanted to pitch in about the asexuality ask and reading Jared's rant as Aro-Ace affirming.

Because here is the thing, asexual relationships are not "platonic". Asexual relationships are not familial. Asexual relationships are not friendship+. They are not the "love you have for your child or your dog"

Asexual relationships are not by default aromantic (although sometimes ppl are both). Hell, not all asexual relationships are sexless either. Some of us feel no attraction and yet find the intimacy of sex to be comforting. We are all different and have our own set of complexities to negotiate. And i am sick of ppl using asexuality as a "no homo" get out of jail card when nothing in what they say even touches on the reality of being Ace.

Would i like more Ace relationships/representation? Yes. Would i like it as a "but they cant be gay" excuse? No thanks.. No.

I identify as asexual but not aromantic so i will not go into depth on the Aro perspective but i do know that aro queer platonic relationships also have their own set of intimacy habits. They are not the same as friendships or familial relationships or "love for your dog".

Both these identities deal with "normalized" expectations in unique ways and again, should not be used as an escape from or excuse against gay/bi reading.

This is not to say Ace headcanons are invalid and there is definite basis for reading Cas as Ace (although assigning asexuality to non human characters is a whole other can of worms that i'm not going to go into here). But that me having my head canon is different from actor man invalidating other queer ppl that fans decided to use my identity as an gotcha defence for.

(Post confession I have trouble reading Cas as Aro but if anyone still does..cool.... But that is ours and others should not get to use that as a shield to hide behind)

I am not sure how successfully i got my point across but yeah.. This was bothering me for a while.

Thank you for sharing your experience and your view! Like I said, I have almost no knowledge of ace/aro relationships or behaviors so I didn’t want to make statements or stances on behalf of ace/aro people. 

I think you got your point across well, anon! Thank you again for sharing! <3 Hopefully it can shed some light for others because I learned new things from you! 

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

[rise-deepseamonster]

thank god it has been said. here’s more (in my opinion, u are free to disagree outside my hearing range):

Excusing Nesta not helping Feyre bring food to the table, help her out in any way during those years of poverty etc when she really needed by saying that it was her trauma (trauma is NEVER an excuse for your mistakes; own up to it)

saying she did help and show the time she sent out letters and tried to ride out into the fae side of the realm to find her sister (really? after she got kidnapped and there isnt food anymore? nice)

everyone treating lucien terribly (i mean what is with that?? hes so nice?? to legit everyone on every side except his family with good reason but even them he just ignores and doesnt actively act aggressive?)

treating lucien having friends as though its a crime and he isnt supposed to even after they’ve treated him like shit (cant stop thinking about this, they’re all idiots) AND making him deal with tamlin

also what they did to tamlin...he’s made some pretty terrible choices because of conservative views that he grew up with and his own cowardice. unlike a lot of main characters with ingrained conservative views, he does not overcome them, he is a villain in a lot of ways but he deserves not to be put down and kicked around as he is in the end of the last book. lucien shouldn’t be sent to deal with him like trash taken out every week. they should send a person to care for him. someone to pick him up and be a shoulder to stand on. politically that is actually sound as well. tamlin is terrible but giving him no character arc is worse 

whats up with all these ppl’s anger issues. like bro ur supposed to be charismatic not eternally threatening ppl to submission, that doesnt make u a good leader or a good high lord or a good partner in running the realm

why is it that every male character is looking at every female (whether the male is good or bad) in a sexualized way??? why cant we have a relationship where they fall in love without looking at the body? no sexual tension just...friendship. JUST- WHY IS THERE SO MUCH LUST AND SMUT (im demi, pls ignore if u dont mind it)

not entirely addressing the fact tht feyre was used by her father, and BOTH her sisters. both are at fault but only one is pointed at because the one is sweet and silent, while the other is mean and imposing. again: trauma does not excuse what they did. its still their mistake. we deserve a real bonding+redemption arc not just a swept under the rug thing. ur telling me that the sister who worked her ass off to hunt for food didnt feel jealous of the sister who picked and grew flowers?? she loves her as all sisters do and cares about her ad is delighted when she is gifted paints and feels like maybe everything is for something but ur telling me she only has resentment towards one sister? no, she sees them as a team in the beginning of the books and that signifies...well its gotta signify something. THERE IS UNRESOLVED AIR AND ITS NOT FAIR TO NOT NOTICE IT

why is it so hard to give on male perspective (i really thought this might be azriel before the bonus chapter) without lust everytime he sees his mate/lover? why cant we just have simple things like happiness and peace? not always shes so pretty blah blah(again ignore me)

ok who the hell thinks “they look like ripe juicy apples” is a good line. wtf yall. srsly wtf.

learn to understand no when coming from anyone on anything. whether its sex or marriage or EVEN A BOOK FROM ANOTHER PERSON. explain whats at stake not just bloody steal it esp when u want a bloody alliance smh what does ur brain even think of most of the time fgs

i get why ur treating eris like shit but srsly we’re on the brink of a nice arc here and he shouldn’t be treated this shitty-ly. like cassian casually mentioning that he might break ally’s trust just because said ally pisses him off? nup nup nup. wtf r these ppl even doing ruling a realm.

u wanna build inter-realm relations. ok. stop lying and withholding information from ppl you actually want to trust and have them trust you (eg the summer court, winter, day, etc)

wow do u really think sexualizing the woman you love is a show of power to the people -however terrible they might be- you rule over? nice.

sex.is.THE.STUPIDEST.DISTRACTION. get over urselves. not everyone needs to fall head over heels on a pretty face and give you whatever you want immediately. that is stupid. any one with a head would even say its fucking suspicious and shady. also you cant think of a way to distract ppl that doesnt involve fingering a woman on a stage infront of ur subjects? wow big brains, you.

you came into SUMMER COURT after you tried steal from them (albeit to defend them but) and didnt expect them to be angry? ofc they’re gonna be angry but the bigger person would have SAID SORRY FOR STEALING I HOPE HELPING U IN THIS WAR WOULD CHANGE YOUR NOTIONS TOWARS US NOT LASHED BACK OUT. FOR ONCE IN UR LIVES USE UR WORDS AND EXPLAIN UR INTENTIONS FOR FUCKS SAKE.

well this has been an essay. pls add more @unrealfigmentofyourimagination​ @frizzy-frizz-frizz​

The Wrongdoings of The IC:

Ignoring that Rhys sexually assaulted Feyre.

Turning all of Rhysands wrongdoings into rightdoings because he 'had a reason.'

Bullying a mentally unstable girl of 25 years

Keeping a secret from their 'High Lady' that the child inside of her was a bomb.

Lying to people with whom they wanted an alliance with.

Keeping secrets that can destroy the world from other Courts.

Not giving people any reason to trust them and then being pikachu shocked about it.

Causing a fight in a High Lord meeting.

Being proud of stripping thousands of fae in the Spring Court of their homes.

Ignoring that Tamlin, Nesta and Lucien are ALSO SA victims.

Treating Rhysand and Feyre like Gods

Giving Rhysand the idea of becoming a High King (if ANYONE fits the role of High King, its Lucien).

Treating Lucien like Rhysand was treated by Amarantha (the pot calling the kettle black)

Wiping the minds of the Winter Court children (in the HL meeting, feyre SOMEHOW forgot about this?!)

Acting like Tamlin is the bad guy (I've seen enough of the Darkling, Maven and Rhysand to know that the villains ALWAYS have black hair).

Not telling Mor about the secret Eris alliance thingy

Having Rhysand orgasm at the imagine of his own child.

Shaming a 25 year old girl for "sleeping around' when they've been doing the exact same thing (and fucking different woman in the same room! Hypocrisy)

Acting like the victims just because their childhoods were not good

Being overly aggressive and seeing murder, lying and torturing people as the ONLY way for world peace or getting rid of their 'enemies'

Making enemies and then being confused about it

Feyre being overly intrusive into Helions business after the HL meeting

Feyre entering Luciens mind and NOT telling him about it

Them using Elain to keep Lucien working for them (blackmail)

Them SENDING Lucien to Tamlin (his and feyres abuser) and then being mad that Lucien still has ties to Tamlin.

Feyre being jealous of Lucien having friends outside of her (after she ditched him once she found the more 'significant' and deadly friends, known as Bat Boy #1 and Bat Boy #2)

Existing

Feel free to add more in the comments!!

[renamusing]

reuenthals replied to your post: reuenthals replied to your post: ...

in the folder re: konhiji like we’re not told how old toshi was when he met kondo but probably a teenager considerin sougo was 6-8 so i always thought toshi’d place kondo in a place similar to tamegoro but misunderstand those feelins as smth else bc he’s just a baby + kondou’s the first to show him real (or any) affection outside tamegoro n not fear or resent him in any way but actually want to help him (he later in life realizes hed just misplaced/misunderstood their 

nature). from that same era, i think his feelins for mitsuba would fit a similar narrative as in bc of circumstances she HAD to be the woman he loved bc all men must love a woman plus she had feelins for him (tho tbh i also dont think hers were any different from the familial love she had for kondou and it was also a matter of circumstance but thats another matter) so it was a done deal but still easy to leave behind for a new life n have as backup/excuse for any other

woman hed meet or more like a shield from havin to open up w/unravel to any feelins of love of a non familial nature for anyone. his take on love is rly naive n pure (contrasted to ofc my baby whos smart n no fool) bc it also serves as shield n hes also said to be unable to relate/open up to women multiple times but is defenseless towards men (n sorachi loves that trope esp w toshi n gin chan in which theyre ‘men that are more attractive to other men than women’) which

i think is why hes so well defenseless towards gin chan durin their duel in the rooftops like for gin chan thats just a ���crazy cop attacked me again’ moment but for toshi it like shakes the foundations of his whole bein he like lies there all wistful like wtf…..im gay? no… w a blossomin crush that only gets worse the more he interacts w gin chan (cant blame him tho gin chan is an angel) but like the way hes constructed specifically as an archetype hes too set in

performin masculinity (kyuchan says this but he also says this abt himself also multiple times) n sorachi is aware to an extent (plus hes drawin from men who were practicin mlm themselves) what this trope entails wrt sexuality n its expressions like for toshi its comfortable not to think abt love or any of that bc he has a goal n the excuse of a dead woman but its impossible to read him as anythin but not straight no matter the degree to which he is aware of it (which

tbh i think its a lot more than what ppl in fandom give him credit for) i have more detailed backed up analysis of this somewhere but i cant find them but basically at the end of the day i think toshi meetin kondo n at least havin some mixed up feelins abt what he feels towards him that hes able to resolve as bein brotherly later on in life set the path for him realizin he can love other men not in a brotherly way n in the way he (as a man) is supposed to love women

wow long but yes like toshi’s archetype in other manga/literature is easily read n can be coded as mlm/gay n is often the case but his issues run too deep for him to even consider that part seriously (at least tbh until 551 maybe baragaki but i dont think that early) so he has to suffer for it he deserves the worst the only reason gh is okay is bc he provides economically for gin chan n would be willin to pay any outstandin debts as shown in the soul switch arc. the end

i feel like this was just a sneak peek into that folder, but I loved it 200%! it’s super hard for me to reply without going into my own headcanons about gh and how they relate to one another, cause the way toshi relates to gin is so different from kondo in my perspective; in fact, it’s why i can’t get romantic konhiji at all, though i admit you make a fair point when u address the transition of toshi’s “most important person” from tamegoro to kondo (at that young age mixed feelings would be acceptable) plus, i always saw kondo as the character that ‘saved’ toshi, while gin was the one that ‘healed’ him. ofc both relationships go way beyond these dynamics, but without any actual canon romantic proof it’s difficult to postulate from toshi’s limited pov. 

so, while the shinsengumi became his substitute family and kondo tamegoro’s substitute (the family core), it’s a given that toshi perceives this love as unconditional, would-die-for etc. however, it would be interesting to explore his feelings for kondo back then in relation to mitsuba; like in an effort to answer the love of a woman (as you so brilliantly put, that in those circumstances toshi HAD to love a woman) he tried to shift his romantic feelings/attraction to kondo’s masculine figure to her ? (IM ONLY  REALIZING NOW THAT THIS WAS PROBABLY WHAT YOU MEANT BEFORE? IM SORRY) tho i don’t agree that mitsuba’s love for him was familial cause ponytail toshi, mack, like pls, she had to be blind ???

then we come to ginchan, whose whole relationship with toshi is based, imo, in the fact that they not only see a part of themselves in each other (the guilty, self-hating, rebel part) but that in seeing it they understand themselves better and are able to open up, share their experiences and encourage one another; not to mention protect what’s dear to them. aka they love each other. there is literally no other explanation for ginchan waiting in the rain for toshi so they could go out for a meal? i mean, sakata gintoki sat in the rain, under his umbrella, looking all complacent & shit. ALRIGHT. 

btw i bolded some of your bits cause i rly relate to them in the way i see toshi, especially the ones about him putting up a shield. toshi has always had problems dealing with his feelings, even before we knew of his past with his brother (which for continuity’s sake was probably what triggered him to bottle  everything up), he had always been written/regarded as a cold, level-headed character who doesn’t let emotions get the best of him. his rank in the shinsengumi further emphasizing this (and his otaku persona as well). so, without disregarding ginchan’s merits, i think that kondo’s influence (and even mitsuba’s to some extent) may have contributed to lowering toshi’s shield enough that he was able to give himself a chance to connect with someone outside his comfort zone/past. the fact that that person happened to be a man only makes more sense given his background and the hints that tell us he was never able to relate to women or feel like he could make them happy. it’s Tough on my heart to say that ginchan is basically ideal because, even though he is the mc, it’s like he was made to play that role in toshi’s life. he doesn’t bring all the answers but rather more questions cause there’s no way toshi can be confused now because his attraction to ginchan cant be excused with the role of ‘brother’ or ‘fated woman he was supposed to love’, gh bond is their own, their closeness in canon SHOULD raise suspicion cause it sure doesn’t seem straight.

well, i digressed WAY more than i should, but yeah that’s it, kudos on that folder. 

[krs724490]

7/19/19

There’s a lot of change that’s about to happen and I’ve found myself scrambling to prepare for it although I know that there’s no way to truly prepare and I just have to let it happen. I know that this is the most prevalent in my relationship with Dan. I feel so confused and torn. Part of me loves him so much that I just cant. He is the sweetest man. He has such a kind heart. He loves me an insane amount and would move mountains for me. He shows his love in the best ways. He’s affectionate and fun and enthusiastic. He’s super positive and optimistic. He cares about health. He’s willing to see things from my perspective and overall he just wants to make me happy. 

And then the other part of me loves freedom. I keep going back to the feeling I had after breaking up with Collin. Like the biggest weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I was free to be whatever/whoever the fuck I wanted to be. I didn’t have to answer to anyone. I didn’t have to report back. It was the best feeling and it allowed me to embrace being at Michigan even more.

I’m worried the same thing will happen in Denver with Dan. I don’t want to feel limited by the fact that I’m in a relationship. I don’t want to have to keep him posted. I don’t want him to take up so much of my energy because I still have him around. I want to be free to make my own schedule and not feel obligated to hang out with him. Just being around him I feel lazier and like I want to work less. I want to go to yoga and the gym and have me time. I don’t want him to linger. I already know that I’ll get frustrated and wont be my best self. Which is really sad to say.

I’ve been working on my confidence and speaking up, saying what I mean. I think I did it very well when we were packing up Dan’s apartment and I said ya know what no. This is not what I want and I am not doing this. I spoke with clarity and conviction. It reminded me of the way Hannah spoke when she broke up with Luke P on bachelorette. She was SO confidence and so well spoken. She said exactly what she felt. She said “I am light” and she refused to let Luke make her feel like she was any less than that. It was so admirable and refreshing to see a woman express herself so articulately and so confidently and to see her stick to her gut with such conviction. She didn’t allow him to weasle his way back in. That’s something that I struggle with. I feel like I’m a little passive when I deal with people and I know that everyone wins the more direct and honest you are with each other. So I know that I should speak my mind more exactly. Hannah really inspires me to do that and to be honest and to go search for what I want in a partner with conviction and to not let up until i find it. I just feel really empowered and ppl shit on the bachelorette but I feel like I’ve learned from it.

I also want to shout out to Olivia Pope for being a strong bad ass women. I’ve found a lot of inspiration from watching her as a character. She’s confident in her skills and knowledge and walks around with such grace and conviction. I hope that I cultivate those skills.

Back to Dan.. all of that being said I need to speak my mind with him and tell him exactly what I think about our situation. It’s tough because I don’t want to upset him or make him feel like I don’t care. I want to be that person that says ya know I value our relationship so much that I just want to build a life with you. But I CANT say that because he has just proven to me that he’s not a trustworthy person. and i need to start building my own life and i know it. so no matter how difficult it is I pray that i can speak my truth to him with conviction and not let him convince me to backtrack on how im actually feeling.

I think im going to tell him that he needs to buy a plane ticket and that I’m still upset about what happened with him the other day. it has not gone forgotten. and because he is so wishy washy I don’t want to just give him my whole life and let it revolve around him. it doesn’t feel right. 

it feels like im closing myself off to the fun and opportunity that this place has to offer me if I’m not fully embracing it and there with the people I meet. it feels wrong in my gut. I don’t want to be on my phone updating him, texting him and worrying about him when I’m with other people. I want to go get lunch with just the girls and not feel obligated to invite him because he’s there. I want to be my own person. I don’t want my roommates to be uncomfy coming up to my room and talking to me because he’s there. I want to feel like I can go to yoga and go workout the whole night and not have to hang out with him. I don’t like the lazy lets just lay around feeling that I get when I’m with him all the time. I like to be moving and he makes me just want to lay down. i want to establish good healthy habits early and i dont know that hell allow me to do that.