#if people were more verbal and transparent with me it would definitely help decrease my symptoms

[charismathing]

Charisma as a Lack of Social Barriers

Charisma Therapy:

Learning to Let Your Personality Shine Through

As a child I was very socially awkward.   I was constantly bullied in school, and it seemed I was always doing something inappropriate, or blurting out the wrong thing.  I marveled at how easily social interactions seemed to come to other people.  But I was lucky enough to have a few acquaintances and relatives who happened to be charismatic.  I made it my goal to observe these seemingly magical people, and learn what made people like them so much.  I can’t say exactly how long I’ve been studying charisma, both by reading about it and observing it in my life, but it has been more than 10 years since I found out this mysterious phenomenon had a name, and since I made it my goal to figure out how it worked.  I can’t attest to my own level of charisma, but what I can do is share some of my thoughts and experiences, especially the ones I feel have been particularly beneficial to my mental health, and my life as a whole.

One of the reasons I am writing this article is because I want to advocate learning charisma as a form of therapy.  Personally, I know that the progress I have made since first deciding to learn charisma has facilitated literally every aspect of my life, as well as made me more sure of who I am, and I want to help others have similar experiences.  I have struggled with severe depression my whole life.  Before I learned about charisma, I just assumed I had been dealt a bad set of cards, destined for social failure.  It is only in retrospect that I realize that most of my problems were due to awkward social situations that could have been easily resolved.  I’m not saying that all my problems were my fault, but learning about social dynamics made it easier for me to interact with everybody, resolving pre-existing conflicts as well as preventing new ones.  Although I still occasionally struggle with depression, learning about charisma has helped me improve my relationships with my friends and family, and ultimately made it much easier for me to cope with my depression.  

So first of all, what is charisma?  Merriam Webster’s Dicitonary defines Charisma as:

1. a personal magic of leadership arousing special popular loyalty or enthusiasm for a public figure (such as a political leader)

• His success was largely due to his charisma.

2: a special magnetic charm or appeal

• the charisma of a popular actor

Well it turns out that what appears to be “magic” on the surface is actually a specific set of learned behaviors.  The reason they appear so natural is because charismatic individuals happen to learn these behaviors from a young age, and so by adulthood, they use their social skills constantly and naturally.  Think of when you were a child, how difficult it was to learn to eat with a fork. ��Now it is probably so easy, it would actually take effort not to do it correctly.  Charisma is the same way: once you adopt charismatic habits into your life, they become second nature, since every social interaction is an opportunity to practice.  Once you understand that charisma is not a mysterious magic but an understandable psychological phenomenon, it becomes much more approachable.  

Olivia Fox Cabane is one of my favorite charisma experts, and I highly recommend listening to any of her talks, and reading her book The Charisma Myth, which outlines many ways to both project charisma and care for one’s own psyche to maintain the healthy state of mind needed to foster a charismatic state of mind.  (Here is a link to her talk:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMu_md_5PQ4&t=680s)  Without going into too much detail on what has already been said,  psychologists have determined that the content of what charismatic leaders say actually matters very little.  It is more important to use non-verbals such as eye-contact, posture and body language to project presence, power and warmth.  It turns out that, through the use of non-verbals we “can talk to ourselves” as well as others, to enter a charismatic mindset and to shape our social interactions.

Instead of something you either have or you don’t, it is possible to cultivate a variety of different kinds of charisma, and to be more or less charismatic.  I used to wish I would one day “be charismatic” but I am now aware that this wish stemmed from a misunderstanding of the nature of charisma itself.  To learn charisma, first one must accept that one will never truly know if one has a achieved one’s goal.  There will be no owl to bring you a congratulatory letter confirming your charismatic wizardry, and even using systems that purport to quantify how much people like you (ie. counting “likes” on facebook or instagram) will do more harm than good for your psyche, and the results will be skewed by a number of confounding variables.  When it comes to charisma, one must accept the paradox that you are striving for perfection, yet perfection does not exist and therefore you will never reach it.  So instead of getting frustrated by your imperfections, it is crucial to enjoy the process of striving and accept that you will never see a definitive result.  

After years of excitedly telling people I study charisma, I have noticed that the word often seems to leave a bad taste in peoples’ mouths.  It is true that charisma is commonly associated with manipulation and dishonesty.  Most sources that purport to teach charisma do it through the lens of some ulterior motive:  “Be Charismatic To Pick Up Girls!” or “Learn Charisma Today, And Succeed Instantly In Business!”  I have a problem with these sources for a number of reasons.  Although they use certain rudimentary psychological tools, I find their facade is usually quite transparent.  I believe this “means to an end” approach is a product of a modern western culture in which we are trained to be goal-oriented go-getters, and any activity with no obvious, concrete result is seen as a waste of time.  I believe this cultural mind-set is diametrically opposed to the relaxation and self-compassion necessary to hone a charismatic mindset.  Instead of seeing charisma as a means to an end I like to think of it more as an art form:  something it is best to learn for its own sake.  If charisma is something you respect or admire in other people, you don’t need any other reason to start learning.

I also think charisma has a negative reputation because the first charismatic people who jump to mind are unsavory historical figures who have used their charisma to commit atrocities, such as Hitler and Charles Manson.  However, I do not think this is a reason to fear charisma itself.  If anything, I believe that if knowledge of charisma were to become more widespread, charismatic leaders would cease to possess an unfair advantage.   Furthermore,  there are abundant examples of charismatic leaders who use their abilities for good, from Stephen Colbert to the Dali Llama.  And I personally know many individuals who happen not to be leaders or even extroverts, but are still very charismatic, these individuals simply never become the focus of the public eye.  

Charisma is simply what allows us to have smooth and pleasurable social interactions.  This is beneficial to all parties involved.  So although charisma can be used for self-serving purposes, in can just as easily be used to simply make those around you feel good.  I like to compare charisma to martial arts:  although learning a martial art arguably makes you more dangerous, this doesn’t mean you are going to go around assaulting people.  Learning a martial art can actually boost one’s confidence, self-control, and coordination, decreasing the risk of any actual altercation.  Charisma is the same way.  Just as learning a martial art is a way of mastering your body, learning charisma is a way of mastering your mind and social abilities.

I want to dispel another myth which is that learning charisma will make you “fake.”  Charisma is not about teaching you to have a personality that isn’t your own.  Rather it’s about understanding social obstacles, and cultivating your social skills to navigate these barriers.  I think this is why people often compare charisma to a “shine, glow, or aura.”  Cultivating charisma literally makes your personality clearer, easier to read.  For this reason, I have come to understand charisma as a lack of social barriers rather than one specific capability.  I truly believe that a charismatic version of every person exists, and the key is to simply overcome the social obstacles you confront habitually, and allow your charismatic self to shine through.

Looking at charisma as a lack of social barriers allows us to approach it in a more relaxed, passive way.  Charisma isn’t necessarily about being the center of attention,  or always saying the right thing.  Sometimes it’s about not saying anything, and instead, giving your full attention to another person, just letting the interaction flow in whatever way is natural.  Personally, learning charisma has allowed me to let go of distracting self-focused thoughts, (ie. am I acting awkward or uncomfortable?  Can the other person tell? etc.) and really pay attention to the person I’m interacting with.  I have come to realize that there is something interesting in almost everyone I meet.

I started learning charisma as something of an act of desperation:  I needed to understand human behavior to avoid being a social outcast.  I never expected that learning charisma would not only be intellectually fascinating, but also allow me to appreciate life in a way I never had before, and I hope sharing my insights and experiences inspires others to investigate this field as well.