#if only our natural human selves wasn't wired to offend and betray God. if only the things that feel good were right | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yeslordmyking · 2 years ago

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"Be you, at least for once..."

Like always, it's like he knows exactly what I'm going through and knows all the things I want to hear.

He's been through so much pain...

And now I can't give him my support to make it better anymore.

I wish I'd known you were something I had to lose. To choose to get rid of even though you make me smile 🥺

I feel gutted. But... I can't love anything more than God. No idols before me... May it please the Lord. May all our pain please the Lord. Eventually. Somehow. 💔

#if only i could jackson... 😭😭😭#if only our natural human selves wasn't wired to offend and betray God. if only the things that feel good were right #if only even... things like liking and seeing the good in other people who are just sinners like me wasn't smth i needed to stop #because i will always love you and see something beautiful in you even if i never let myself be a fan of and enjoy anything ever again #everything you're saying about knowing myself and being myself... when i know that God wants us to deny ourselves.... i.... can't #as beautiful and comforting and inspiring those words are i know i have to do what God wants instead of what i want. always #i can't trust that what i want is good for me. i have to let God show me what's actually good for me and my soul #ny 'gut feeling' could be deception of the devil and flesh. my life doesn't matter. just my soul.#i worry that our wants and dreams can replace God. i can't let that be a possibility #i hope that you're chasing things in your life that God has placed in your path. i worry about you just like you worry about your fans #that's why i can't make myself stop praying over you no matter how much i convince myself that it's dumb or a waste of time #because.... because i think i love you too. whether i really do or not who knows. i hope i really do love you jackson #maybe i'm not allowed to love you the way i want. maybe not in the way the world understands love and support. but I'm trying to love you #and I'm trying to let you go and let God do what I'll never even be able to fathom for your life and your soul. i don't want to let go #I've let go of everything about myself. it's all still there but i don't engage in it anymore. you're still there #clearly me posting this is proof that i'm a failure to die for God and give Him full control without involving myself #you helped me believe that i didn't have to do this to myself. to kill my dreams and everything in my heart to be an empty vessel for God #i wish my heart would let itself believe your words again. would let me believe it was ok to love you #if it's wrong to hold you in my heart despite trying to stop then i pray God has mercy on me on the day of judgment #because i still love you. and i don't understand why i should stop loving someone i see pieces of God #i can't stop loving you because i don't have faith that God's got you. I've seen it. maybe. I've convinced myself that God is in your life #I've convinced myself that i care this deeply about a complete celebrity stranger so i could convince myself of anything i want to believe #i wish i could convince myself that.... nevermind. i just had to vent and cry over another beautiful thing that i'm losing #i want to stay. i want to be part of your loved ones that you support. would God ever allow it? would i recognize it if He did?#take care of my beautiful Jackson. Your beautiful creation Jackson. please #no matter if i never know about it. I'm trying to get better so i can get to Heaven. i want to see Jackson there too #jackson wang you are my only true love #my baby boo #super secret fanfirl queue #i'll probably delete this later

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