#if only i weren't held back by crippling mental health issues

[mymistakewriting]

i personally agree and relate so much with buck’s adhd + anxiety specifically so i was just wondering if you could go more in depth with those headcanons? adhd buck is so important to me and reading about it and talking gives ME dopamine lol. oooh and the volume control like getting called out on it would so trigger his RSD! and everyone LOVES going to trivia with him for sure hahah sorry this kind of turned into my headcanons but yeah what do you think??!

I'll answer that second ask you sent in separately because Oh Boy do I have some Opinions to share on all of it.

I absolutely adore getting to just sit down and scream about characters and their habits and their mental health and how it all ties together. And Buck has given me PLENTY to work with since I started the show. But specifically focusing in on his ADHD & anxiety & RSD?

Not only does he hyperfixate on random stuff that has no use he CANONICALLY does research on natural disasters after he's lived through them - he did so with the tsunami, he did so with the earthquakes. He even canonically references researching volcanos after the wildfire crossover with Lone Star where he made the trip to Austin to help. This man is a walking encyclopedia of information on natural disasters and traumas. But it's very much a coping mechanism. It's a "I survived this and I have no clue how or why, so I have to understand what the odds were and I need to be able to be prepared and help others better if I ever live through another one of these". It's a "if I understand this and why it happens and how best to survive it, then it holds no power over me". It's a "I can't be scared of this so I have to understand it instead." It's the kind of coping mechanism that I've only ever seen in people who have ADHD or autism - statistics over fear, because fear can only cause harm ESPECIALLY as a first responder. Fear can come later, accept he tries not to ever let it because that makes him weak in his eyes.

The anxiety definitely stims from childhood trauma - look at his parents and Maddie and tell me that their behaviors weren't the root cause of so many of Buck's bad habits and I'll call you a liar. His parents are the reason he's so reckless. His parents AND Maddie are the reason Buck 1.0 was clinging so tightly to the label of sex addict because it was hard for him to admit that he didn't feel good enough after being left behind by everyone he'd ever had in his entire life. And don't take this as me talking poorly on Maddie, but she's also the reason why Buck latched on so tightly to Abby. And Ali. And Taylor. And the 118 crew. She left when he was a teenager, left him with parents that they both knew were awful, and he kind of internalized it and now a few years down the line it's crippling anxiety and abandonment issues and he doesn't have an outlet for any of that. And I could go on for hours about how his childhood contributed to him being semi-verbal at best, and about how much of how he defines himself ties into how he was defined as a kid, but that'll have to be a whole other post because there are so many intricacies to it that it deserves it's own thing.

His RSD. Oh I love the portrayal they give for his RSD. Because it's not just canceled plans and being overlooked that send him spiraling like so many people assume when they hear the phrase. It's someone's tone changing or someone pulling away too soon when he gets comfortable showing affection. It's how he held on so tight until he just couldn't anymore when Abby left because she said she'd come back and she's never lied to me before so she'll come back, everyone else is being dramatic. I just have to wait.

It's how well he just gave all of himself to Ali. She helped him find a place to live. Helped him furnish it in a way that is shockingly out of character for Buck - none of those decorations when he was with her felt like him in the slightest.

It was how he tried to twist and change himself and his relationships to make things with with Taylor. He didn't bring Eddie up to her often, didn't bring her up to Eddie unless he could avoid it, didn't talk about work, let her use his place and his information and his everything to do her job even though it got him questioned there at the end by the Department about who her sources were. And it's there in how hesitant he was to end things. How much he looked like he was fighting himself when he did end things.

His volume control is such a small thing that never gets called out in the fandom posts I do see - the 118 is wonderful at it once they know him, they know ways to point it out without sending him into a tailspin. It's always a gentle cup to the shoulder or elbow or a gentle nudge of shoulder to shoulder or a soft redirection that requires a softer voice somewhere else. It's never a "you're being too loud" or an annoyed glance from them.

From people they save, though? Buck stutters a lot more around people they work to save, he's always trying to be conscious of everything because he's gotten those looks or gotten those annoyed comments time and time and time again until it's become one of his biggest insecurities.

He gives every bit of himself to everything he does, and it definitely makes his RSD worse when that just isn't enough.