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astrolornb · 4 years ago

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hbd to Hayao Miyazaki! (Capricorn sun/Aries moon)

Iconic animator, director, and screenwriter Hayao Miyazaki (b. January 5, 1941) turned 80 years old on January 5, 2021.

Miyazaki is the co-founder of Studio Ghibli and acclaimed for his whimsical and fantastical animated feature-length films. He is known for writing stories with environmental and social messages, which often centre independent girls as protagonists.

His first breakthrough directorial film, Nausicäa of the Valley of The Wind (1984) follows a young princess who fights to defend her home community from war and environmental devastation in a post-apocalyptic world. Miyazaki adapted this screenplay based on a manga he wrote.

To be frank, I find I can’t really watch this film anymore (after having watched it maybe 3 or 4 times?), with the amount of war and fighting in it (the accompanying music is also kinda intense). However, this was once my favourite film by Miyazaki and I still recommend watching if you haven’t already seen it.

Today, Spirited Away (2001) and Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989) remain some of my favourite films.

In Spirited Away, a ten-year old girl named Chihiro must save her parents from the spirit world by overcoming obstacles in a bathhouse full of spirits and outsmarting a powerful witch. I think this film both fascinated and slightly scared me as a kid, but I’ve grown to love it more as an adult. This description truly doesn’t quite do the film justice as the cast of unique characters each add a different twist to Chihiro’s journey towards bravery.

In Kiki’s Delivery Service, a young girl must leave home to train as a witch as per the traditions of her village. However, she starts to lose her powers when on her own and must regain them in order to survive. Kiki was truly an angsty teen of her time. As an entrepreneur, she basically delivered bread UberEats-style on her broom, to boot!

How many other teenage witches can you name who fly across the sea while listening to the radio? I once dressed up as Kiki for Halloween.

The above mentioned films were all written and directed by Hayao Miyazaki.

When I found out Miyazaki’s birthday, it came as no surprise that he was born as a Capricorn. I say this in reference to watching the NHK docu-series “10 Years with Hayao Miyazaki,” which highlights his obsessive and regimented work schedule and habits, reeking of Capricorn stereotypes.

“Placing value on the act of working hard is an incredible mistake…Working hard, it’s just something you do. If you don’t, nothing worthwhile will come about.” - Hayao Miyazaki (source)

Capricorns are Earth signs who are passionate and driven, above all else.

I don’t know about you, but in my life, Capricorns are always grinding (staying on top of everything!). These include successful artists and freelancers who are committed to their practice and communities (often while working multiple jobs), pushing through law/grad school during a pandemic, and dedicated to showing up and caring for their friends and family.

Tweets by astrologer Danielle Ayoka (@mysticxlipstick)

Maybe this devout sense of purpose and passion is what makes them come off as so wise beyond their years.

Capricorns are the epitomy of old souls. Their practicality makes them seem like a grandparent, regardless of their actual age.

“I’m so excited!” Miyazaki smiles with grandpa joy as he releases the tape from the video camera that he installed in his car to record as he drives. A little strange, perhaps, yet in the first part of the docu-series, it truly offers a pragmatic glimpse into his approach to work. (In this case, the study of daily motion.)

Screencapture from 10 Years with Hayao Miyazaki by NHK

Of an emotional nature, another Capricorn stereotype is that they come off as cool and distant. In the same docu-series, viewers later witness Miyazaki walk out of the middle of his son’s film premiere. Ouch.

For Miyazaki, quality of work > everything else.

Tweet by karen han (@karenyhan)

In the documentary film the Kingdom of Dreams and Madness (2013), viewers watch Miyazaki going off on a team of animators, even making some cry after giving his feedback.

Capricorns set high standards. More so for themselves than for others though. However, beyond his Capricorn sun, Miyazaki has an Aries moon. The moon represents a significant emotional aspect of our inner selves.

What does this mean? According to the AstroTwins,

Aries is ruled by Mars, the planet of aggression and war, which can make you temperamental and straight-up combative. With your fiery emotions, you get frustrated easily, blowing up at the slightest provocations. Although your temper tantrums pass quickly, you don’t always realize how much havoc your rage spells can wreak. The fallout could take years to live down, if the bridge isn’t permanently burned.

...

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, and this moon sign makes you an initiator who likes to be number one. A warrior at heart, you’ll courageously champion any cause, project or person you believe in. You have a star quality, but your competitive streak can be fierce!

Hayao Miyazaki’s birth chart (via astro-charts.com)

This combination of steadfast hard work (Capricorn sun/Earth sign) and fierce independence (Aries moon/Fire sign) likely contributes much to how Miyazaki has attained his status as such an accomplished filmmaker and artist.

While this blog post is a tribute to the great Miyazaki, it is also an acknowledgement that he is an imperfect person, as we all are. Humans are complex creatures. Like so many of us, he is someone who has caused hurt and someone who has experienced significant loss. And, at the same time, he is someone who has created so much beauty, too.

Screenshot from The Kingdom of Dreams and Madness (2013)

To many fans disappointment, Miyazaki retired from filmmaking after The Wind Rises (2013). However, in true Capricorn style, he has returned to work and emerged from retirement to direct a new film titled How Do You Live? which he intends to dedicate to his grandson.

With this forthcoming film, the Studio Ghibli animators have been tasked to draw more frames by hand than ever before. In the slow and steady Earth-sign-led process, they are producing a single minute of animation per month with a team of 60 people.

Studio Ghibli producer and general manager Toshio Suzuki says, “That means 12 months a year, you get 12 minutes worth of movie. Actually, we’ve been working on this film for three years, so that means we have 36 minutes completed so far. We’re hoping it will finish in the next three years.” Wow.

In Japan, an 80th birthday is referred to as the “umbrella celebration” (sanju 傘寿) in reference to the shape of the characters. The abbreviation of the character for “umbrella” (傘) can be read as “80″ by overlapping numbers 8 (八) and 10 (十).

Astrology writer Gala Mukamalova, once wrote about the power we give years. In an astrological love letter, she offered this to our hardworking, stubborn goat friends:

“But you, Capricorn, you who are still here, still wind howling through trees, still a leaf clinging to this life—forgiveness is something you can learn. How to give it, yes, but mostly how to receive it.”

Despite how much I enjoy projecting onto famous people based on their birth charts, I don’t truly know all that haunts Miyazaki or drives him to create as an artist, a son, a father, and a survivor of war.

Yet still, I hope this year may allow Miyazaki and his Capricorn sun to pursue forgiveness of self, whatever that may look like. I have no doubt that he will continue to find success with his work to come. Hopefully his Aries moon can tread lighter and enable him to act more kindly towards his studio team, too. After all, it is 2021.

Happy 80th birthday, Hayao Miyazaki. ☂️

#hayao miyazaki #studio ghibli #astrology #capricorn #aries moon

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whatarubberchicken · 5 years ago

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Play Me a Tune (Make Me Smile)

Because @galahadwilder and his prompts are bad influences... (probably not exactly what you were thinking, but it’s a start...)

Play Me a Tune (Make Me Smile)

“I love my job; I’m living the dream,” Marinette recited to herself. She took a deep breath and tried to relax. Everything hurt from gritting her teeth through that last meeting. Not only had it been a long night, but their current client was turning out to be impossible!

She just needed a breath of fresh air. She was going to eat her bagel, then go back in her office and completely blow this project out of the water! Yes!

She rounded a corner and stopped short.

Great. More musicians. Exactly what she DIDN’T want right now.

Two boys to be exact: a blond with a keyboard and the other on guitar who obviously dyed his hair blue on a regular basis. She was just about to walk the other way….

Except these two were everything her client was not: bright and happy as they sang together, instead of dark and brooding like XY as he tried to cultivate his emo phase. They were also kinda cute. (No offense to XY, she knew a lot of people liked his look, but it just wasn’t for her.) And (full offense to XY) actually talented in music. Their instruments and voices blended together perfectly.

And it made her feel things.

In fact, it made her blush deeply when they grinned at each other and kissed mid-song.

Marinette quickly finished her bagel and fled back to the safety of her office.

Get it together, girl! she scolded herself. You’ve seen people kiss before!

But… none of them had made her want to stand up and cheer for the couple before. Those two boys were obviously in love.

Her afternoon was spent sketching new designs in greens, yellows, and blues. She scowled when she realized they all had little hearts in them somehow.

………..

The next day was just as bad; meetings ran late, clients had to be rescheduled, “Where’s the mock-up, Dupain-Cheng?” “You said you needed it next week!” “That was then, we need it now!”

Luckily, she’d already been half-done with it anyway, but it still hadn’t been easy to whip the rest of it up in half a morning when she was supposed to have a whole week…. She sighed, staring down at her muffin in disgust. She missed Papa’s croissants. Maybe she should go visit?

No. No, she couldn’t go running back to them now! She’d never leave!

Before she’d realized what’d happened, her feet had carried her back to that same street corner. And, surprise, surprise, the two musicians were there, entertaining the crowd by racing through a rendition of some pop song as fast as they could.

Marinette snorted in laughter as the crowd cheered at their big finish. Not just young, beautiful, and obviously in love, these two were playful and fun too!

She wished she had time to meet them.

…………….

The third day was cold and wet, and as dark as Marinette’s mood.

Rejected.

Her designs had been rejected.

After all that hard work, all the revisions that had been fully-approved and accepted, the client had completely done a 180.

“These are too whimsical and colorful!” XY had complained (even though he’d been the one to commission a brightly-colored suit from them in the first place). “What?! Do you think I don’t take my music seriously or something?”

You shouldn’t, she’d wanted to snark back. You’re just a synthesizer with a bad haircut.

Luckily, her company was well-established enough that were still going to be paid for their hours, but it still smarted that someone thought she wasn’t good enough.

She sighed. Taking a walk around the area to clear her mind was just what she needed. She’d get over it easily enough; she just needed to recover from that initial sting.

She wasn’t even surprised when her feet automatically carried her back to where the two boys were playing. She WAS surprised that they weren’t playing around and laughing like the past two times she’d seen them. Instead, they were sitting underneath an awning, keeping their instruments out of the light drizzle, and playing softly to each other.

Still, however soft and slow, it was a good melody, and Marinette felt herself drawn closer, in order to hear them better. To her chagrin, however, the blue-haired boy noticed her.

“Well, look at what we have here, Adrien,” he said cheerfully. “A princess in the rain!”

“That’ll never do,” the blond agreed, standing up and opening an umbrella with a flourish. “Would you like an umbrella, my lady?” he asked, giving her a courtly bow.

“Oh! Uh, no, that’s fine,” Marinette stammered, blushing. “You—you’re going to need them later for your instruments.”

“Actually, our cases are waterproof,” the blue-haired boy pointed out, patting the hard case beside him. “And Adrien here likes to cuddle with me under one umbrella anyway.” He winked at his boyfriend.

“I am but a simple man with simple tastes,” Adrien stated dramatically. He turned back to Marinette. “And, right now, I’d really like to see a princess’s smile,” he added, much more gently.

She was sure her face was on fire as she took the umbrella and tried hard to give the boys a strained smile. Judging from the look on the blond’s face, he wasn’t impressed.

“S-sorry,” she finally said. “It’s… been kind of a bad day so far.”

Adrien’s eyes lit up. “A mission!” he cried, darting back over to his keyboard. “The Quest to Make the Princess Smile!”

With that, he started up a jaunty little tune, the other boy following him immediately on the guitar. It was carefree, and upbeat, and ordinarily, Marinette would’ve loved it. Today, though, she just gave them a small smile, and dug into her wallet to throw them a tip.

“Thanks, guys,” she said, tossing them her biggest bill. It was just about time to go back and face her failures at the office—

“Luka,” she heard Adrien whine. “The princess is trying to pay us, even though we didn’t make her smile!”

Oh my God, he was so cute! He actually sounded heartbroken that he couldn’t cheer her up!

“Hmm,” Luka said thoughtfully. “She said she had a bad day, babe. We know how that can be, right?” The blond hummed in agreement, leaning his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder as Luka strummed a quiet, mournful tune. Absently, the blond followed him on the piano.

Marinette felt her shoulders relax at the gentle melody. Soft, sad, hopeful—it kinda sounded like rain, actually. The tension in her jaw lessened as well and she sighed in relief.

Yes. This was what she’d been needing. The two boys continued for a couple of minutes before Luka stopped and smiled at her knowingly.

“Better?”

“It was. Thank you,” Marinette said honestly. She held out their umbrella. “But I still don’t need this. I’m just going back inside there,” she said, gesturing to her building. Neither of them made any move to take it back, though, (Adrien was actually pouting at her again and he was seriously, so cute) so Marinette made to put it by the hat they had out for tips (a derby hat. What a strange choice!).

“Hey!” Adrien exclaimed, standing back up and stomping over to her. “Are you trying to insult my chivalry?!”

“No,” Marinette said, startled.

“Adrien…,” Luka said warningly, chuckling a little bit. “Sorry about him. He likes to think he’s some sort of white knight or something.”

“Uh, hello? The Black Knight is infinitely cooler,” Adrien argued, hands on his hips as he argued with his boyfriend. “And besides, a real knight would insist on walking his lady home—which I won’t!” he quickly added, noticing Marinette took a step back, “because in this day and age that’s considered creepy—but I can insist you take the umbrella, my lady.” He gave her another bow.

Marinette felt a little laugh escape her. He was just so over-the-top!

“There, good sir, you’ve made me laugh,” she said, dipping into a tiny curtsy. “You mission has been accomplished. Well done.”

Adrien’s eyes brightened and he fist-pumped the air. He and Marinette both laughed when Luka played a quick Final Fantasy victory fanfare.

“Thank you. Both of you,” Marinette said warmly, feeling better than she had in days. She stepped closer to Adrien and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “There. A token of my thanks.” Then, before she could lose her nerve, she walked over to Luka and gave him a kiss on the cheek too.

He beamed at her. “Best tip all day.”

Giggling, she waved goodbye and headed back to work, already planning her schedule for tomorrow so she could come back here for lunch.

…

Luka watched her go, seriously considering going after her to beg for her phone number. He glanced at his boyfriend, still standing in the middle of the sidewalk with a dazed expression on his face, his hand touching the cheek she’d kissed.

He chuckled. Adrien had had a crush on her since they’d noticed her a couple of days ago. His boyfriend was so gone.

Mischievously, Luka fingered out a quick, “Another One Bites the Dust!”

That seemed to snap Adrien out of it, and he whirled on his boyfriend, blushing deeply.

“Sh-shut up!”

Luka just laughed. He couldn’t wait to see her again.

#lukadrien #Lukadrienette #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #luka couffaine #dang these prompts that inspire so easily

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unnursvanablog · 4 years ago

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All the books I read in 2020 / part 2.

The Golem and the Jinni - Helene Wecker: ☆☆☆☆☆

Loved how these myths and legends were used within this story. It is a beautiful tale of immigration and friendship and how Wecker conveyed that was just beautiful. The text did drag its feet in some places, but this story is also so character driven; their experience with the world, and their longings, so I understand that slow pace. Everything about it felt really sincere and it truly is a book that leaves you with something. I have never read anything like this before and I felt like it bridges the gap between historical history and fantasy well.

Naturally Tan - Tan France: ☆☆☆

I listened to this book in one sitting as I drove from the capital area and all the way home to the countryside. And I really enjoyed it because I really like Tan France and he narrated the audiobook himself. The text, the chapters and therefor the book itself goes a bit all over the place and it feels a bit vapid at times. It was about everything and nothing, really.

The Silence of Bones - June Hur: ☆☆☆

I am not so much for these types of mystery novels, so it was not something that drew me forward, but I did find the atmosphere that Hur created within the story and the historical elements really great and made the story quite enjoyable. I felt like learning a little more about certain parts of Korean history that I did not know before, and I really enjoyed that.

In the Labyrinth of Drakes - Marie Brennan: ☆☆☆

The world that Brennan has created continues to wow me. It is complex and it’s so much fun to travel around it. I love getting to know these characters at different stages of their lives and it just makes you like them even more. The story often runs into the same problem for me and that is that I find the first parts of the story so exciting, it is an adventure, but then it loses me a little towards the end.

The Will to Battle - Ada Palmer: ☆☆

After the amazing storyline of the second book, this book really lacked any excitement within the plot to propel you further and instead we got a lot of philosophical lessons and musings. In the previous books I felt like Palmer managed to strike a balance between those things, but not here. So little was going on. This story is deep, beautifully written, and complex and all that, but the text is often so long and dense, and my dyslexia just wants to skip these walls of texts that often just feel like statements about something philosophical but not real conversations or reflections from the characters.

The Unlikely Escape of Uriah Heep - H.G. Parry: ☆☆☆☆

I was hoping for a 'grown up version' of Cornelia Funke's Inkheart, and although that was not quite what I got, I really enjoyed this. I thought the world was well thought out, and the idea of the readers interpretation of the characters and even literary criticism can affect how they would appear in our world was a cool concept. In some places I felt that the story was a bit stunted or towards the end I was starting to predict where it was going, and there was a lot of misunderstanding between the characters so the story could continue, which got on my nerves. But for the majority of the time, it was a really fun read.

Midnight Sun - Stephenie Meyer: ☆

You can judge me for this. I judge myself too. It was strange to fall back into the Twilight world after completely falling out of it after reading the last Twilight book. But out of sheer curiosity, I decided to give this one a try. But wow… this was not fun and added almost nothing to the original story and Edward is just so damn boring and having to spend time in his mind was just kind of a torment.

The Absolute Sandman, vol 1 & 2 - Neil Gaiman: ☆☆, ☆

I was going to listen to the whole thing via the new and shiny audible version of the Sandman comics, but I could sit through more than the first two volumes. I could not tolerate the violence against the female and queer characters. Oh my god! You do not have to go that far to make your story edgy, or create a complex, dark world. Nothing that happened seemed to move me or make me want to keep listening to this story. It does not really seem to revolve around anything. Or maybe I am just too annoyed to pay attention to the story. Fortunately, Gaiman seems to have improved as a writer since.

Radio Silence - Alice Oseman: ☆☆☆☆

Listened to this and although contemporary YA is is usually not something that hooks me or interest me in any way, Oseman manages to make the story so genuine and down to earth despite all the teenage drama, and the character felt so real that it just draws you in. The daily problems of teenagers often seem too dramatic or unreal to me in books like this, but that was not here. The text is not to flowery, but not too simple either. The story just as a really good pace going on. Everything just flowed together.

Wicked Fox - Kat Cho: ☆☆☆

The story did sound like a kdrama to me and I was hoping it would be that. Just fun and cute and fluffy with some loveable characters and sprinkle of myths and legends. It was fun, it didn't go into too much depth with most things within the story. It kinda brushes over a lot of things. For me the book started of well, but then towards the middle of the book things start to happen to fast and there was not enough time spent on bulding things up, so in the end the story kinda went nowhere for me. The little bits of the Gumiho legend, at least how the legend was presented in this book, inbetween the chapters was my favorite bit.

The Silmarillion - J.R.R. Tolkien: ☆☆☆☆

You can tell that worldbuilding and just spending time making things up for this magical world that he crated was one of the things Tolkien enjoyed the most when it came to writing. The stories about Middle Earth, even the backstories, are so rich and lushus. I do struggle with the writing style, it does feel a bit dry to me at times, and it does feel like short stories set in the world of Middle Earth and not at tightly knit story which isn't always my cup of tea so it did take me a while to get into it.

The Left-Handed Booksellers of London - Garth Nix: ☆☆☆

The story really throws you straight into the action and you just have to find your bearings as best as you can while the story goes on. It was really fast paced and the story never really stops for too long to give you a breather. It was light and funny, a little weird and the character were whimsical, which I enjoyed. Sometimes I felt like I was in a Doctor Who episode, except with magic and not aliens. I just wish it would have let the story breath a little more for me to really enjoy the world that Nix had crafted and such things.

A Deadly Education - Naomi Novik: ☆☆

I do not know what happened here, but wow, this was so not Novik at her best. Neither the characters or the worldbuilding that I am used to getting from Novik was in this book and for the most part there wasn't a whole lot going on in this books. I can deal with a slow burning book and really just enjoy a good fantasy world but there was very little interesting things here to explore. I can deal with a unlikeable main character, but this one didn't grow at all during the book, she just kept on reminding us why she was cranky all the time and how much she delighted in it. There was a whole lot of telling about this magical school and the diverse world outside of it, but very little showing so it all seems rather empty and after a while I just started to skim over the text. And there was really no story there that kept me going and I could not see the purpose for anything that happened.

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue - V.E. Schwab: ☆☆☆☆☆

Oh, wow. The feeling that this book created inside me and the sincerity within the text just grabbed me and would not let me go. I made me feel a lot of things, and I love when a books do that. There are so many emotions behind it and you can really feel them. The atmosphere that Schwab creates in the story is great and it hooks you in, but it is the character and their stories that make you stay. I don't usually enjoy timejumps, but Schwab did them so well and they do explain the story and the motivations for each of the characters really well, although it get's a bit repetitive at times, especially towards the end.

The Moomins: The Exploits of Moominpappa, Moominsummer Madness, Moominland Midwinter - Tove Jansson: ☆☆☆☆

I love the Moomins, but there's just something so cozy about these stories and characters. They are part of my childhood, they are so light, whimiscal and funny, yet have depth to them, which is a balance that is difficult to achieve in my opinion. My journey through this book took me almost a year, as I only occasionally picked it up to enjoy the text and my stay in this small, strange world that Jansson created. I was savoring it.

Shine - Jessica Jung: ☆☆☆

SNSD, the band that Jesscia Jung was in, is my favorite kpop band since I started listening to kpop more than 10 years ago and their music is one of the main reasons why I got into kpop to begin with. So of course I was intrigued! The story here is something that I think could be inspired Jessica experiences within the kpop industry, or that thought never left me as I read it even if there were lot of unbelievable things going on within these pages. But it's definitely overdramatized at times. But how she talks about gender discrimination between female singers and male singer, from other people in the business and from the fans and the expectations that people have towards these singers and such. That felt really authentic to me. For all the glamor and the dazzle of the kpop world within this book the plot and the characters are a bit dull, and some of the more unbelievable events (like all of those trips and secret cafes) often pulled me out of the story. And I did not find the clichéd YA romance fun to read at all.

#book reviews #book review

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pyropsychiccollector · 5 years ago

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Naezono Week, Day 3: Ruined

Sayaka frowned slightly as she returned to her brunet companion, who was still looking rather down as he sat at the table he’d picked out for them. She placed the cup holding his ice cream blizzard next to him and placed her hand on top of his as it rested on the table.

“Naegi-kun…? Are you okay?” The bluenette asked softly, rubbing her thumb across his knuckle.

Makoto blinked slowly before looking up and mustering a small smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine! Just, uh… a little tired…”

… A smile just for her.

‘Oh, Naegi-kun…’ Her eyes flicked to the nearby TV. While it was on silent so as to not disturb customers in the restaurant, there were still dialogue boxes displayed as the reporters commentated. It was well within Makoto’s view. Chewing her lower lip thoughtfully, she then burst into a grin, beaming down at him. “… Let’s just take our treats and go, okay?”

“S-Sure…” Makoto nodded tentatively, picking up his ice cream and letting her take his hand as they left the restaurant.

… Leaving a few gossipers in their wake. But Sayaka paid them no mind.

~*~

Numbly, Sayaka raised a finger to her lips, her wide eyes staring back at an equally gobsmacked Makoto. They were currently on the bed in his dorm; books, papers, and pencils sprawled out between them, but they were long since forgotten by the two teens that were trapped in their own little worlds.

That had been unexpected.

… Well, except not really. Not to the stunned idol, anyway. Truth be told, she’d been wanting to do that for a long time now, if only to get a giggle out of seeing the look on Makoto’s face right this moment. But… she’d held herself back for more than a few good reasons. The only real shock, at least for her, was that she’d succumbed to temptation this ‘soon’.

They’d already studied at Hope’s Peak for a year. She thought she had it in her to hold out until at least their senior year… but maybe that was too high of an expectation?

“D… Did that just happen…?” Makoto wondered aloud, his airy voice revealing his mind wasn’t completely there.

Sayaka tried to bite back a giggle at his still nonplussed expression. She did. But that face and that bewildered reaction… Priceless.

“Of course, dummy~… I would have slugged any other girl, if they did that to you~!”

… And she was not exaggerating that.

~*~

They eventually found a nice, quiet park bench to sit at while they enjoyed their frozen treats in the brisk fall weather. Was it strange to crave ice cream when the temperature was getting colder? Maybe a little. But it wasn’t a bad thing – after all, it’s not like parlors were exclusively open in spring or summer.

Besides~… It was always cute seeing Makoto with a ‘moustache’.

“You sure you’re okay with this, Maizono-s…” Makoto trailed off at her pouty glare. “… Sayaka-chan?”

Sayaka merely beamed at the satisfactory honorific.

“Why wouldn’t I? We’ve got the afternoon free and can do whatever we want.”

Makoto frowned as he held his cup in both his hands and looked down.

“You know what I mean…” He mumbled.

Sayaka’s smile softened before looking up into the seemingly endless expanse of blue sky contently.

“I do. And I meant every word of it. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be!”

“But… Aoba-san… Haneyama-san…” Makoto trailed off, shaking his head with eyes clenched shut tight. Sayaka soothingly placed a hand on his shoulder, prompting him to look in the eyes.

“I’ll see the girls next weekend, remember? We all promised.”

Makoto let out a ragged sigh.

“A private party, maybe… If it wasn’t for me, you could go with them wherever, whenever-”

“And I’d be stuck seeing you ‘next weekend’ instead…” Sayaka remained calmly, grin never wavering as she patted his shoulder. “I would pick you every time, Naegi-kun. Every time.”

“But it was your dream…” Makoto muttered, a conflicted expression still on his face.

~*~

“L-Love? Me?” Makoto’s face was tomato red. “Isn’t that a bit much?”

Sayaka giggled, sporting a healthy blush of her own.

“Not at all… “ She winked flirtatiously at him. “In fact, you’re showing me that love can go even further… I’m already at the point that I can’t imagine life without you.”

Not ‘don’t want to’ – can’t.

Makoto stammered nervously as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Y-You’re probably just exaggerating…” His blush deepened as she shook her head gravely. “W-Well… I-I mean, it’s not like I want to imagine life without you, either. You’re everything you are in the TV and magazines… everything and more.”

Way more.

“Aww~ I’m so glad you think so!” Sayaka teased, pecking him on the cheek affectionately. “I’m gonna have to work on you some more if you still ‘can’ imagine life without me, though~…”

Makoto waved his hands defensively.

“I-It’s nothing like that! I just…” He looked down with still burning hot cheeks. “I don’t want to get in the way. And this…”

Sayaka wrapped him up in a hug, to the boy’s shock. She smiled as she leaned into his shoulder.

“You won’t be a burden. You’ll never be a burden, Naegi-kun.” She pulled back so she could look in his eyes again, adopting a solemn expression. “Though… if we do this… We can’t tell anyone. Only we can know.”

“I… I get it…” Makoto nodded numbly. “Though… if you feel like I’m causing too much stress… Hey…!”

The idol bopped him on the nose.

“If things become too much, well, that’ll be the end of it…” Sayaka flippantly remarked, sporting a coy, teasing grin.

That grin did nothing to alleviate the anxiety in Makoto’s heart.

“The end of it… Yeah, I kinda figured…”He muttered.

Sayaka let out melodious giggles at that response. He didn’t even question what ‘it’ was… That was just like him, to put her before himself. So selfless. So generous. So innocent…

But she wasn’t talking about the end of their relationship.

~*~

“My dream…” Sayaka mused with a content smile and sigh as she leaned over, resting her head on the bemused boy’s shoulder. “I guess Komaru-chan never got around to telling you. Which is good. Because I was being serious when I said I’d be angry if she told anybody…”

“T-Tell me what…?” Makoto asked curiously, looking at the bluenette out of the corner of his eye.

“Well, seeing as how my first dream was short-lived, I guess I can tell you~…” She had a fit of uncontrolled giggles. “Even if it was ‘all your fault’…”

Makoto spluttered at the accusation.

“T-Trust me! I’d have asked for my hoodie back if I’d known your manager would find it and-”

Sayaka slight curled into him, staring up at his face, letting him know she hadn’t been accusatory. He nervously laughed it off, and she pecked him on the cheek for embarrassing him like that.

“I wouldn’t have let you take it back, anyway.” Sayaka informed him, her tone light. Whimsical. “It’s nice and toasty. And makes sure I’ll get to smell you every day~…”

Despite being thoroughly embarrassed, Makoto couldn’t help letting that one slide.

“Hey, wasn’t I the one that said you smell nice…?” He cracked a small grin. “Does that mean I get one of your hoodies?”

Sayaka seemed to think about it for a second.

“… Sorry, don’t have any to spare, but you can have one of my shirts?” She burst into another uncontrollable fit of giggles at his gobsmacked expression.

“I…! You…!” He spluttered, losing control of his vocal chords. Sayaka patted him consolingly.

“Oh, alright… If you want my lingerie so bad~…” She peeked up at his face and was not disappointed with him going totally silent.

makotonaegi.exe has run into an unexpected error, please scroll down the page to reboot.

…

“… Okay, I walked into that one…” Makoto exhaled, the ex-idol patting his shoulder consolingly once more.

“Yes, you did. But your expressions are always fun, so I’m not mad!” She hummed gleefully.

Makoto frowned as a thought occurred to him in that moment.

“So… wait… You brought that hoodie on that tour ‘cause you wanted to?” He was nonplussed at how the ex-idol had done that on a whim…

Sayaka nodded, resuming her sitting her position.

“I did. And I left it out for my manager to find.” Sayaka beamed at how thoroughly confused she was making the poor boy. “Oh, Makoto… You still don’t get it.”

Aforementioned Luckster blushed at how easily his given name rolled off her tongue so easily.

“G-Get what…?” He asked helplessly. She fully turned to him, sporting a fierce pout.

“You already ruined me for everyone else.” She poked his cheek adorably. “All those months, you put up with my selfish requests for absolute secrecy. Were the perfect gentleman. Put up with my calls at 3am. Let me keep your clothes. You should have done something months ago, but you were so patient. I had to ruin it for you so we could be together!”

Makoto’s mind swirled as he tried to process that last statement in particular.

“S-So… wait… Wh-What’s your dream now, if it’s not to be an idol?”

“I wonder~…” Sayaka hummed, leering at him mischievously. “I could tell you, but it broke Komaru-chan’s brain. I’m nervous about what it will do to you~…”

Makoto stared at the bluenette in bewilderment. She didn’t look nervous at all!

“You’re practically begging to tell me!” He refuted. This only earned more giggles.

“Well, if you really have to know~…” She chirped, taking a deep breath before whispering into his ear excitedly. Once done, Makoto reeled back with a face that was practically glowing red.

“You told Komaru that?!” He yelped, aghast.

So much for “only we can know.”

Sayaka tilted her head adorably.

“I would have told you first, but you were too busy being sweet and selfless. Komaru-chan has a right to know these things, too, since she’ll be ‘imouto’ later.” Sayaka nodded sagely as if that made total sense. She reopened her eyes curiously. “So, what do you think…?”

Makoto coughed.

“U-Um… You must… love me a lot…?” He smiled shakily, and sweatdropped as the ex-idol pinned him to the bench mischievously.

“I did say that you ruined me, Makoto~…” She chirped innocently. “Now you take responsibility~!”

… This girl had it bad. But then again… so did he. He wouldn’t have been patient for so long if he didn’t.

#Danganronpa #Makoto Naegi #Sayaka Maizono #Makoto x Sayaka #Naegi x Maizono #Naezono #Naezono Week #Naezono Week 2019

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quickeningheart · 5 years ago

Text

Nineteen

Charley was waist-deep in the posterior of Alley's bus when the sound of an approaching car caught her attention. Pulling out and wiping her filthy hands on a well-used towel, she watched as a taxi pulled up to the garage. And both eyebrows shot into her hairline when, after a moment, the door opened and Alley struggled out into the street, dragging her pack after her. She looked as if the entire world had just collapsed around her ears.

“Jiminy Christmas, Alley Cat! Who died?” Alarmed, Charley hurried forward to usher her drooping cousin out of the heat. The guys also stopped what they were doing, watching the exchange with concern etched on their fuzzy faces.

“My entire academic career, apparently,” Alley mumbled with a tired sigh.

Charley paused mid-step, exchanging confused glances with the mice. “…Huh?”

The blonde dropped into the desk chair and ran her hands through her hair; taking a deep breath, she began to explain the situation, and by the time she’d finished, Charley was livid.

“They can’t—This isn’t—You didn’t—We can’t just let this go!” she sputtered, pacing angrily around the garage, shrugging off Vinnie’s comforting hand. “You never would have cheated! Never! And it’s just too suspicious that this all came up now.”

“Yeah,” Modo agreed, tail twitching with agitation. “Somebody’s definitely settin’ you up, and it’s got ol’ Lard Butt's stench all over it.”

“But why? What would Limburger possibly gain from ruining my chances at a scholarship and my academic reputation?”

Throttle huffed. “She’s got a point. The stinkfish’s pulled some pretty crazy stunts, but it’s always been for some sorta profitable gain. This just ain’t his style.”

They fell silent, considering. Alley finally sighed and forced herself to her feet. “My best guess is, it’s just a prank some bored jerk played, and I got unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of it. I’ve gotta go do some damage control. This has gotta get sorted out as soon as possible or I can kiss that scholarship goodbye for real.” She groaned and hid her face in her hands. “And I’ve gotta call my mother.”

“Ouch.” Charley offered a sympathetic smile. “Want some moral support?”

She huffed a short laugh. “Give me a few hours. If I’m not down by sunset, better come search for my body. She probably managed to find a way to strangle me through the phone.”

~*~*~*~*~

Throttle knocked at Alley’s door, his concern growing at her continuing silence from the other side. He increased the pressure of his fist against the wood until he finally heard her stirring, then a mumbled “Come in”. He poked his head through the doorway, watching as she sat up and scrubbed at her eyes, which looked red and blotchy even in the dim light. He gulped, the urge to turn tail and bolt settling over him, but he ignored the desire to flee and instead stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. He stood there, shifting uncomfortably as he struggled to find the right thing to say. He really hated dealing with crying women.

Alley noticed his fidgeting and gave him a weak smile. She’d changed into a tank top and a pair of lounge pants. Her hair hung in two long braids over her shoulders, and she’d washed the makeup off her face, leaving it strangely pale and bare, the dark circles under her eyes standing in stark contrast. Throttle thought she looked young and very vulnerable without her usual armor to fortify her. His protective finally instincts rose. “You okay?” he asked quietly.

She offered a one-shouldered shrug. “Been better,” she admitted, running a hand through her hair, dislodging part of a braid. “I’ve been on the phone for hours, making calls. Never talked so much in my life. I’m tired.”

He hummed, stepping further into the room. “You talk to your folks?”

“I called my dad first and explained. He told my mom for me. Who then proceeded to call me back and rip me a new one.”

Throttle straightened, frowning. “Why? This isn’t your fault.”

She sighed heavily. “I dunno. Maybe it is. When I was younger, I really slacked off in school. Hardly studied, barely passed my tests, handed in homework when I felt like it. I didn’t put in any real effort and my grades suffered as a result. I just … didn’t care.” She smiled faintly. “I guess I was more interested in fitting in with my friends, who all would've rather been sneaking out to late-night movies or parties down on the beach. Drove my parents nuts.” At his dubious expression, she hastened to add, “I was never into anything illegal! Well … okay, I did drink a bit, and I snuck into R-rated movies without paying a few times. But I didn’t shoplift or use drugs or sleep around with guys or stuff like that. My girlfriends, though. Most of them were pretty hardcore.”

He tsked. “Sounds like you needed to get some new friends.”

She huffed. “You sound like my parents,” she shot back, wrinkling her nose. She sat back with a sigh. “Thing is, in Montana, all that never really interested me. I might not look it now, but I used to be a lot like Charley. I rode horses and climbed trees and went camping in the woods. I tinkered around in the garage on bicycles for my friends and helped my dad and uncle fix engines. I did my homework and studied for my tests and got good grades.” She smiled faintly at the memories.

“When Dad packed up and moved us to Florida, it was like … like moving to an alien planet.” She smirked when he snorted. “Everything was so different. The first few years weren’t so bad, but then I hit puberty and started … growing parts, and the only things my friends ever talked about were boyfriends and fashion and celebrities… I didn't really care about that stuff, but I felt like I either had to make myself fit in, or lose the friends I had. And after awhile, it all sorta became second nature.”

Throttle moved to sit on the edge of the bed, curious despite himself. At last, he was discovering the mystery of why Alley was so different from her cousin, despite being raised in the same sort of household. He tried to picture her as a younger version of Charley, scrappy and tomboyish. He gave it up after a few moments. It was just impossible; she’d adapted herself too well. “So, something changed along the way,” he hinted, wanting to know more.

“I flunked out of tenth grade,” she admitted with a huff. “Well, almost. I had to take summer classes to make up all the work I missed. A lot of them. And my dad finally sat me down and gave me a long lecture.” She shook her head with a whimsical smile. “Let me tell you, I thought my mother could guilt trip, but she’s got nothin’ on Daddy. He’s pretty laid back and easygoing, but when he decides to lay into you, look out.”

Throttle grinned, earning another small smile in response. “After that,” she continued, “I realized I didn’t want to disappoint him anymore. I don’t want to be a daughter who embarrasses him, makes him ashamed to talk about me. So, for those summer classes, I managed to pull my grades up enough to pass tenth grade, and when my junior year started, I made myself work. Skipped all those parties and stayed home to study and do all my homework, and my grades shot up. It wasn’t easy. I had to break a lot of bad habits. But I did it.”

“I can see why this whole situation is so upsetting for you,” Throttle said thoughtfully, “but I still don’t see how it makes it your fault.”

“My parents always told me my behavior would come back someday and bite me in the ass. Karmic justice and all that. Mom spent most of our conversation saying ‘I told you so’.” Alley rolled her eyes. “I kinda feel like she’s right.”

“She's too hard on you,” Throttle protested, tail twitching against the floor. “We all do stupid shit as kids, right?”

“Sure, but she’s always been hard on me. She's very overprotective. She’s not a bad mother, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that her life, growing up … it wasn’t easy. She went through a lot, had a lot of struggles before meeting Dad. She doesn’t want me to end up like she nearly did.” Alley smiled faintly. “To be fair, after she got through yelling at me, she started threatening to march straight to the heads of the school board and rip them a new one, too. And she says she’ll FedEx some of my old reports and any other paperwork she can dig up to prove my grades had been changed. Hell, knowing her, she’ll have half of Florida rallying in my defense by the end of the week. Nobody messes with her baby.”

“So your parents will help you get all this sorted.”

“Yeah.” She sighed heavily, her good humor vanishing. “Dad told me to accept that I might not be getting back to school this year, though. He also suggested I retake the SATs. Said it might help to prove I didn’t cheat the first time.” Her shoulders slumped. “I guess he’s probably right, but the thought of going through all that again is just exhausting.”

“Well, it’s something, at least. It ain’t the end of the world, Alley-girl,” Throttle tried to encourage. “How come you look like your best friend just died?”

She flinched, looking startled. Then she dropped her face into her hands as a low, derisive laugh slipped free. He frowned, wondering what he’d said to incite such a reaction.

“D’you ever get the feeling,” she mumbled into her hands, “that the entire universe is out to turn your life into one great, big cosmic joke?”

He hesitated, confused … until she gestured vaguely at Mercedes’s cage. He glanced down, noted the door was half-open. His eyes widened as his gaze darted around the room, noting any place that a little rat could squeeze into and escape. Until he realized she was still in the cage, half-curled in her pile of shredded paper, still and unmoving.

Far too still.

His heart gave a sick sort of lurch as he knelt on the floor for a better look. “Aw, Cheese,” he breathed. “Alley-girl, I’m—I didn’t mean—”

She waved off his fumbled attempts to apologize. “Mercy was almost four years old. That’s like … ancient in rat years,” she explained, her voice small and tight. “I probably shouldn’t have brought her with me, but my mom didn’t really like her and my dad is too busy with his business, you know? My friends, well, I wouldn’t trust most of them to care for a houseplant, much less a living creature.” Her face crumpled a bit. “I went to feed her and … she just wouldn’t wake up. I wonder how long she’s been like this. This morning I—” She choked slightly. “If she was dead then, I didn’t even notice. I feel awful. I don’t even remember if she ate when I gave her pellets this morning.”

“It ain’t your fault,” he told her, feeling lame for even saying something so trite.

“I knew she was going to die eventually. She was really starting to show her age. She even hissed at me a few times, like she didn't know me.” She offered a weak smile. “Just … she had to go today of all days? Cosmic joke, see?” She heaved a long sigh, tucking her knees under her chin as she perched on the edge of the bed. “I guess now I have to find a place to bury her, too. I don’t even know where to look. I can’t just … toss her into the garbage.”

Throttle considered. “You got a box for her or something?”

She slid off the bed and knelt beside him on the floor, sliding a shoebox filled with folded paper towels forward. She reached into the cage, hesitated. Throttle noted a fine tremor in her hand as it hovered over Mercedes’s body. “I … I can’t make myself touch her again,” she finally admitted, blinking rapidly. “She’s so … cold. It gives me the creeps. I’m terrible, aren’t I?”

Throttle patiently pulled her hand away, reached in to ever-so-gently scoop the stiff little body into his palm, depositing it and a handful of shavings into the box. He didn’t much like rats, but for the first time he was sorry to see one die. Alley covered her pet with clean wood shavings before closing the box and taping the lid shut.

“Come on.” He stood, tucking the makeshift coffin under his arm, offered a hand to pull her to her feet. “Put on your shoes and a jacket. Might get cold,” he instructed.

Mystified, she nevertheless obeyed, slipping on a pair of Vans and a long blue hoodie sweater as she followed him down to the garage. “Where is everyone?” she asked, noting the complete absence of people. The clock on the wall read six-thirty, well before closing time.

“Out doin’ a little recon,” he replied with a chuckle. “Charley-girl decided to take it on herself to get a look at that computer an’ see what’s up.”

Alley gaped. “They’re breaking into the school files?”

“Not all of ‘em. Just yours. If it’s been hacked, it can probably be traced. Charley'll figure it out.”

“Unless she gets caught and arrested, first. It isn’t exactly legal, you know.”

“Neither is goin’ into a student’s files an’ changin’ all their grades, right? Don’t worry, she does this sorta stuff all the time.”

“Oh, that makes me feel better.” She pursed her lips and eyeballed him. “And poor you got stuck babysitting me. Again.”

“I was actually plannin’ to invite you along. But this is a bit more important right now. They can do without us.” He carefully stashed the box in a compartment on the bike and held out a second helmet. “Hop on.”

She hesitated, then shrugged. “Sure, why not,” she sighed. “The day I’ve been having, what else could possibly go wrong?” She seated herself gingerly behind him and jammed the helmet over her head, jumped a little when his long tail coiled tightly around her waist.

“Better hang on,” he warned, and she caught his devilish grin right before the engine roared to life. The heavy door rattled open, and they shot out of the garage with a screech of rubber, Alley’s squeal of fright lingering in the air behind them.

~*~*~*~*~

Throttle navigated Chicago’s busy streets with practiced ease as Alley clung to him for dear life, afraid she'd be thrown from the cycle despite the firm grip he maintained around her waist, and her even firmer grip around his chest. She wasn’t sure whether or not to be glad they were racing at such a breakneck speed. On one hand, riding with one of the biker mice was pretty much as terrifying as she’d imagined. On the other, at this speed, it was a lot harder for people to notice that she was out gallivanting around the city in nothing but her pajamas. She hadn’t even bothered to put her bra back on, a mistake she was kicking herself over. She really hoped her chauffeur wouldn’t notice, as tightly as she was clinging to him.

It wasn’t long before they passed the city limits, and soon after that they reached open highway and the heavy traffic began to lighten. That’s when he really let loose; the bike shot forward in the same manner as a racing horse being given its head. Alley squeaked and tightened her hold, and Throttle’s husky chuckle piped through the intercom in her helmet.

Despite the increased speed, the ride was a lot smoother without the constant sharp dodging and weaving he’d been doing inside the city. She found herself slowly relaxing, arms loosening. The wind cut around them, tearing at her hair and clothes, but being pressed so close to his large, furry body provided more than adequate heat. She rested her head against his back and breathed deeply, closing her eyes and starting to enjoy the ride.

Eventually, she noticed a change in speed; he slowed, took a seemingly random exit off the highway. He drove a little further before turning off the main road onto what seemed to be an unpaved back road. The ride was rougher here as the bike kicked up dust and loose stones, bouncing over uneven ruts. She tucked her legs further up to protect them from flying debris. “Where are we going?” she asked.

“You’ll see in a second.”

True to word, he shortly turned off the road and coasted to a stop. She slid off the bike, trying to stomp some feeling back into her shaky legs as she steadied herself against the seat. She gave the crankshaft a little pat. “Thanks for the ride,” she said awkwardly. “You're, um, a good driver. Hope that road wasn't too hard on your suspension.”

The bike gave a short, sharp beep in reply, making her jump, then laugh. “I'm never gonna get used to that,” she said, mirroring Throttle's grin. Her smile faded when she got her first view of their destination, eyes widening as she took in a large, sparkling lake surrounded by trees. “Wow, where are we?”

“Me ‘n the bros found this place a few years back. Well, Limburger found it, actually. We had to save it from bein’ ripped up and shipped off to Plutark. We come out here from time t’ time when we need to relax and unwind. There’s usually nobody else here.”

“Kinda like a secret hideout?” she teased.

“Heh. Something like that.” He removed the box from its compartment. “Figured it’d be a good place to bury your friend, here. Nobody’ll disturb her this way.”

“Unless Limburger tries to tear it up again,” she pointed out.

He scratched his head. “Funny thing about the stinkfish. When his plans get ruined once, he usually doesn’t go back an’ try again. Just moves on to the next scheme.”

Alley considered. “Plutarkians aren’t a very intelligent race, are they?”

Throttle chuckled. “Well, there’s plenty of space. Anywhere particular you’d like to bury her?”

She wandered toward the lakeshore, stopping in front of a towering willow. After a moment’s thought, she ducked under its drooping boughs. The light was dimmer here, the air cooler and a bit damp. The earth around the trunk was loose. “This’ll be a good place. It’ll be easy to dig up,” she decided. “How about here, between the roots?”

He dropped to his knees beside her, pulled a utility knife from his belt and dug it into the loose soil. Alley helped, using her hands to pull dirt from the growing hole.

Throttle paused, reached in and pulled out a six-inch worm, dangling it in front of Alley’s face with a smirk. She just rolled her eyes and kept digging. “Not afraid of bugs?” he asked, surprised.

“Why? They’re just bugs.” She glanced up, a smile curling her lips. “Although, that huge spider crawling over your shoulder is sorta—” She broke off with a snicker when he immediately started to beat at himself, trying to knock it away. Until he realized there was nothing there to begin with. He shot her a dirty look as she openly laughed. “I don’t like spiders,” he grumbled.

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind,” she promised with a sly grin.

When the hole was about a foot deep, Throttle stopped digging and picked up the box. “Wait.” Alley stopped him with her hand on his. “Let’s … leave the box,” she said. “This way, Mercy can feed the tree. Circle of life, you know?”

Unquestioning, he slit the tape on the lid. When he would have picked up the rat, Alley stopped him again. “Let me.” Eyebrows raising, he offered the box. She took a deep breath, reached in to scoop up the body, unable to hide her shudder as she quickly deposited it into the hole and pushed the dirt back in. She paused to wipe straggling hair out of her face, leaving a muddy streak behind. Throttle patted the soil back down until it was firm. Then, to her surprise, he used the knife to carve Mercedes’s name into the base of the tree, followed with “beloved pet”. Finally, he held his hand over the grave, murmuring words in a strange language.

She stared at him, eyes wide. “What did you just say?”

He looked a little sheepish as he pulled off his specs and tucked them into his belt; the light had dimmed even further by then and he was finding it harder to see with them on. “It was a Martian blessing, to wish safe passage into the other world,” he explained. “A bit corny, I guess.”

“No! That was incredibly thoughtful of you. Thank you, Throttle.” She took his hand into both of hers, giving it a grateful squeeze. Then, on impulse, pulled him down a bit and reached to press a soft kiss to his fuzzy cheek. He blinked and reared back, caught by surprise.

Alley ducked her head, face flaming as she immediately released his hand and stepped away with an embarrassed laugh. “Ah. S-sorry. I just … um…” She glanced at her muddy palms. “Oh. I should wash my hands.”

Grateful for the distraction, she hurried from the cover of the tree, kneeling by the lake to swirl her hands through the water. What had possessed her to do that? Sure, she was grateful for everything he’d done, but to kiss him? She could still feel the warm fur against her lips, and it didn’t disgust her nearly as much as she thought it ought to. After all, she reasoned, she’d kissed Mercedes on the head plenty of times, hadn’t she? Was it really so different?

She glanced over her shoulder, finding that Throttle had made himself comfortable on the grass behind her, gazing at the sky, where the first stars were just making themselves known. His legs were crossed as he leaned on his hands. A gentle breeze ruffled the fur on his arms and chest, played through his golden mane. His expression was peaceful, eyes lidded sleepily. Her heart skipped strangely at the picture as she hastily turned away again. Yes, she decided. It was different. It was a lot different.

Her hands were more than clean by then. She rose from her place and shyly sat beside him, not quite able to meet his eyes when he glanced down at her. “Feel better?” he asked after a moment.

“Yeah.” She managed a small smile. “Thanks.” They sat in silence for a moment, before she squirmed. “Soooo … shouldn’t we head back to the city now?” she hinted.

“Nah. We came all the way out here. Might as well stay a bit. You said you wanted to stargaze awhile back, remember?” He glanced down at her with a small grin as she blinked, then flushed.

“I’d rather you didn’t remember,” she groaned, hiding her face in her arms. “That was not my finest moment.” She heard him chuckle, jumped a bit when his hand came to rest on her head, ruffling her hair with a playful gesture. Apparently, he wasn’t gonna hold that kiss against her. She relaxed a bit, looking up at the sky where more stars had made their appearance. So had the moon, slowly coming into view over the line of trees. “Wow,” she sighed. “They really are clearer without all the lights in the way.”

“You stargaze a lot at home?”

“From the beach, mostly. But even then, there are always too many lights to really see them. The best stargazing I ever did was when me and Charley took our vacations on Pop-pop’s ranch. We’d take his big telescope and go into the middle of a field and watch meteor showers. We always made a zillion wishes on them. Most of which never did come true, come to think of it.” She huffed a laugh. “Did you stargaze a lot back home? I mean, before you joined the Freedom Fighters and all?”

“Not really. Never really took the time to appreciate ‘em. Least not until I was up there traveling through ‘em,” he replied.

“Have you been on a lot of deep space missions?” Alley turned to face him, face lighting up. “That must be amazing, getting to visit other planets and other galaxies and stuff. I mean, that sort of thing is nothing but science fiction here. We’ve never been past the moon.”

“I have seen some pretty incredible places,” he admitted, a hint of pride creeping into his voice. “Haven’t taken a lot of the deep space missions—Those’re usually reserved for Army, which we ain’t—but there were a few where they enlisted the Fighters’ help. Needed our … special touch to get the job done right.” His smile was feral, making her shiver.

“What was your favorite trip?” she asked.

He thought for a moment. “They weren't exactly pleasure cruises, ya know. But there was one planet with a suspected Plutarkian outpost they needed us to infiltrate. It was an ice planet, completely frozen. Planet itself was boring as hell, and the outpost turned out to be a false lead so it was a wasted trip. But that sky…” He whistled softly. “The atmosphere was poisonous, but the entire sky was a display of crystallized gas and reflected light. It looked a lot like Earth’s Northern Lights. Only even more incredible.” He shook his head, shrugging. “I can’t even put it into words what it was like. But that's one place I'll never forget visiting.”

She sat back, gazing at the rising moon thoughtfully. After a moment, she suggested, “You could … just show me, couldn’t you?”

“Huh?” His head snapped around, eyes widening.

She blushed. “Well, I mean, like you did when we met and you were explaining everything. All your memories in my head, like pictures.”

He shifted, clearly uncomfortable. “Ah, that was—I mean, the situation was bit—”

Her courage fled and she glanced away as she belatedly recalled what the guys had said about their ability’s other use. “No, you’re right. Sorry. It’s not exactly need-to-know information. I’ll just take your word for it.” She huffed a bemused laugh, scratching her head. “Boy, I seem to be stepping all over the boundaries today. Way to stick my foot in it.”

There was a moment of silence. Then, “I guess … a look wouldn’t hurt.” He offered a lopsided grin when she blinked up at him. “Nothin’ wrong with a quick peek. It really was an amazing sight. I think you’d appreciate it more’n the guys did.”

“You mean you’ll let me see?”

He shrugged. “Sure. Why not? Just don’t tell the fellas, huh? I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“My lips are sealed!” She shifted around to face him, sitting cross-legged in the grass as he mimicked the move. She closed her eyes as he leaned in, mentally bracing herself for the intrusion of a foreign mind into hers. His fingers touched her face, tracing softly down her cheek, making her twitch at the ticklish sensation. His thumb nudged her chin, tilting it up.

A moment passed. And another. And just when she was starting to believe he’d changed his mind, she startled as an unexpected warmth ghosted across her lips.

A breath of air. Velvety fur. A soft, warm pressure nuzzling carefully at her mouth; it took her a stunned moment to realize that he was kissing her. His touch was light, questioning … just a bit uncertain. He withdrew, returned a heartbeat later to settle more firmly, and she couldn’t stop a different kind of shiver from trembling over her body.

It was … different. The shape was all wrong, and the pronounced incisors pressing against her upper lip was a bit distracting. But he kissed her as though she was something fragile, and precious, and she found herself kissing back, learning the shape of his mouth, of how it fit to hers. It felt good, kissing Throttle, and when they parted, she forced her heavy lids open to gaze into his face with breathless wonder.

His eyes were wide. He was looking at her as if he’d never seen her before, and she felt herself blushing all over again. She licked her lips; his eyes immediately snapped to them, focused and intense. Her breath stuttered in her throat as she swallowed. “Th-that’s not quite how I remember it happening, last time around,” she joked weakly, trying to break the odd, building tension between them.

Her voice seemed to snap him back to reality. He blinked; the hands gripping her shoulders almost painfully were suddenly gone as he snatched them away, holding them up. “S-sorry! I wasn’t—I shouldn’t ‘ve—”

He made a move as if to rise, but her hand shot out to snag his vest, holding him there. He blinked down at it, looking as startled as she felt by her bold move. She ducked her head to hide her burning face. “D-do you hear me complaining?” she mumbled, releasing his clothes to pull her hand back … only to find it trapped under his, pressed to his chest. His skin through the fur was hot against her fingers; his heart thrummed hard and fast against her palm.

She slowly raised her eyes again, her own heart kicking into a hard gallop when their gazes clashed. He was giving her that look again. As if he was seeing her for the first time, and didn’t know quite what to make of her. His free hand slid into her tangled hair, cupping her head. He was so close that she could feel his breath stirring the wispy tendrils at her temple. And when he lowered his head, her breath hitched with anticipation as his mouth settled softly against hers.

He was bolder this time, more confident. He tilted her chin, adjusted the angle just so, traced the seam of her lips until they parted. His long tongue dipped in, tasted her deeply; she pulled back after a few moments, panting for air. Undeterred, he nuzzled under her chin, suckling at her throat as her fingers curled into the soft fur of his chest. He pushed forward, and she suddenly found herself on her back, head cradled in his hand. He settled between her legs, a delicious weight against her body; his fur was warm and silky against the bared skin of her stomach where her thin shirt had ridden up, sending an unexpected flush of arousal straight through her thighs. He kissed her again, and she slipped her arms around him, under his vest. Her fingers buried into his thick fur, nails dragging lightly along his hot skin as she stroked the long length of his back.

His reaction was a massive shudder, bucking his hips against her, and a different sort of heat thrust between her thighs, an exciting hardness prodding insistently at her core. She gasped, instinctively pushing back. He finally broke the kiss to nip at her ear, murmuring, his voice husky and deep. Foreign words that she couldn’t understand, but were no less compelling for that.

It was all happening so fast. She thought she ought to be protesting mightily by this point, but as he nuzzled down her throat and peppered soft kisses across her skin, she couldn’t seem to find her voice around the shaking breaths see-sawing between her lips. She trembled as his hand slipped gently up her stomach, under her shirt, over bare flesh. He’d definitely noticed her missing bra and made no secret that he appreciated the fact as he caressed gently, the worn leather of his glove causing delicious friction against her skin.

Unfortunately, the ensuing pleasure was offset by the not-so-pleasant experience of something hard and sharp digging insistently into her lower back. She squirmed, trying to avoid the aggravating little rock poking holes into her spine. He took it the wrong way, mistaking her arching back as silent pleas for more. He moved down her chest, pressing soft kisses and playful lovebites along the way, slipping the strap of her shirt over her shoulder to expose her further to his seeking mouth, nuzzling at the swell of her breast. “W-wait a moment,” she panted, trying to push him back.

He responded with a nip to her breast, through her shirt. She yipped in shock; he’d bitten just a little too hard, tearing cloth and sharply catching skin. The resulting pain was enough to snap her out of her lust-filled stupor. “Stop,” she hissed, and he immediately froze. She softened at his expression, a mixture of worry and guilt. “I-I’ve got … something—There’s a rock or something,” she mumbled, trying to explain as she reached under herself and patted around. She yanked out the offending stone, and he leaned back as she sat up to hurl it away in a flash of irritation. A soft plop sounded from the lake.

They sat in awkward silence for a moment, before he reached out to trace a gentle hand down her face, studying her carefully. She offered a hesitant smile. He started to lean in again, but her question stopped him. “Sh-should we be doing this?”

His soft expression shuttered. “You don’t like it?”

“It’s not that.” She flushed, glancing away. She’d been liking it quite a lot, actually, and wanted nothing more than to let him continue, but…

“It’s just—I thought you—Don’t you have—?” She broke off, flustered. “What about your Carbine?” she finally blurted, and was rewarded with a slow widening of his eyes, realization dawning in his expression.

He hissed softly, turning away. She thought she caught a muttered “What am I doing?” before he presented his back to her, fisting his hands into his mane. She regretted even bringing it up. She shifted beside him, not knowing what to say. She felt unaccountably ashamed of herself, making out like that with a taken guy. A very taken guy, if what his friends had told her was true. She wasn’t the type to go around stealing other girls’ boyfriends right out from under their noses. Especially when they weren’t even there to fight for him!

Still, taken or not, she couldn’t deny the definite attraction she’d developed toward the golden mouse. How strange, for her feelings on the matter to have changed so quickly. Now she just felt embarrassed for criticizing Charley’s choice so harshly. She was definitely starting to see the appeal of Martian mice. It no longer mattered that Throttle was of an alien race. It didn’t matter that he was covered in fur and looked like a rodent. Somewhere in the last few weeks, she’d come to think of all of the mice as being kind of beautiful. Tails, fuzzy ears, bionic parts and all.

To her, though, Throttle was the most beautiful. She’d been taken completely by his personality. He was like a prince; charming, charismatic, protective. He had the most compassionate heart she’d ever seen. She’d never known a human man who would go so far as to take her to a special place just to bury a dead rat. She thought she might love that about him.

She glanced at his still profile, shifting uncomfortably as she tried to reconcile with her strange attraction and the fact that, like it or not, he was just not available to pursue it.

But maybe they broke up, she thought, a small, niggling hope growing. He’d gotten a letter the other week, and hadn’t said a word about it since. Maybe it had been a Dear John note. Or maybe he was having relationship issues and was considering breaking it off. Or maybe—

Or maybe he’d gotten caught up in the moment, just like you, and had lost his head, she scolded herself, trying to squash down the hateful thoughts. The way she’d been throwing herself at him, it was no wonder he’d made a move! He’d only been responding to her advances, unintentional or not. Looking at it that way, the entire situation was her fault, and now she felt horrible about that, too. She’d never meant to take advantage of his kindness in such a way.

He finally shifted, catching her attention as he glanced over his shoulder. “Gettin’ kinda late,” he said quietly. “Probably better get back to the garage, before they go out looking.”

“Oh.” She dropped her gaze, disappointed. “Yeah. You’re right. We should get back.”

He stood and strode to the bike, leaving her to blink for a moment before she scrambled up to follow him, tightening her sweater around her. She silently put on the helmet, noting that his tail did not hold her as tightly as before when it coiled around her waist. She leaned in to slip her arms around him, thought the better of it. He was so tense now. She leaned back again, settling for resting her hands on his shoulders.

It was a long, silent ride back to the city. Night had fallen, and the temperature had dropped. Alley was shivering with cold by the time they pulled up to the garage. She got off the bike, handed him the helmet, but held on when he tried to take it. “Throttle?” Her voice was very small. “Thank you for what you did today. With Mercy and everything…” She dropped her gaze. “I’m sorry about—I didn’t mean to let—”

He looked startled. “What’re you talkin’ about? I’m the one who—” He shook his head. “I let it go too far. I should’ve kept my hands off. I just—You were sittin’ there, all soft and tempting. I couldn’t—” He chuffed a sharp breath, a husky laugh. “Really sad thing is, I wish we were still back there,” he muttered under his breath. Her eyes widened, and he pulled the helmet from her lifeless fingers. “Go on in. You’re shivering.”

She was. But not just from the cold anymore. “You’re not coming?”

“Nah. Gotta go clear my head. I’ve got some serious thinkin’ to do. Tell the guys I’ll see ‘em later, yeah?”

“Okay. Sure. I’ll tell them.”

He offered a small smile before handing her the empty shoebox. He revved the engine and shot off, tail lights leaving a bright streak behind him.

She sighed heavily, clutching the box to her chest before turning to trudge into the garage.

#Biker Mice from Mars #bmfm fanfiction #BMFM #Throttle #OC #Wow! Some actual romance!

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ladyloveandjustice · 6 years ago

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Summer 2018 Anime Overview: Planet With

What a strange, unexpected little gem this show is.

Planet With follows an amnesiac young boy named Soya Kuroi who lives with strange roommates- an upbeat but mysterious girl named Ginko and giant cat monster ...thing. One day, a strange alien spaceship arrives where Soya lives and a squad of superheroes valiantly battle to protect the town from this threat. Ginko shows up and tells Soya he needs to jump in this giant cat robot and fight. No, not fight the invading aliens. He has to fight the superheroes.

Planet With starts out being jam-packed with plot and unabashedly weird and stays that way. The show moves at an absolutely breakneck pace. It stuffs 50 episodes worth of robot anime into twelve, and contains like three different climactic battles. There’s even a time skip. But the weird thing is...it works. Planet With is downright inspirational in its storytelling efficiency. It packs in so many characters and SO much happens, yet somehow it manages to use its time wisely enough that I ended up caring about pretty much all of its many characters and their development felt natural rather than forced. And despite the intensity and volume of events, the plot remained coherent and entertaining.

There were a couple parts that did feel rushed, and since it was so much at once I feel like I need to rewatch to fully grasp the series, but most of all, I’m impressed by the way this show somehow distilled The Full Wacky Space Battle Anime Experience (tm) into a short time frame. And the animation is good! It is bold and action packed and works well for the show.

And the quickness of how Planet With handled things made it downright refreshing (and hilarious) at times. I’ll give an example: Soya’s civilian friend (and obvious love interest), Nozomi, catches on extremely quickly to the fact he’s doing robot battles, basically guesses his entire backstory based off his weird behavior and just as quickly starts questioning him about it. Soya’s reaction to this is to freak out and run away- at which point Nozomi football tackles him and basically yells “NO ITS OKAY YOU CAN TRUST ME!” and he quickly gives in, explains his weird situation to her, and is like “uh. so. not sure if that sounds at all believable but. you asked.”

Not only is the honest communication nice to see, not only does it genuinely sell that Nozomi s the smart cookie the narrative has set her up to be, but its charming as hell and feels so natural to who these characters are. The fact Soya’s first reaction to being exposed is to just stammer and BOLT DOWN THE STREET reminds you that, yes, this is a teenager, and Nozomi’s refusal to let him get away and how she throws all dignity out the window to make her point is just....it gives me so much affection for them both. They’re kids and they’re ridiculous and I love them. Having Nozomi let in the loop so quickly is refreshing, it makes their relationship feel genuinely trusting and equal, there’s just a lot going on in just that one scene that I love.

Let’s talk about character a little more, because Planet With has a very vibrant cast. Soya comes off as a typical hotheaded shonen protagonist, and well, he is, but as you learn more about him and the situation he’s facing, you realize he’s trying his best to cope with some huge stuff. He has a good arc and matures a lot. What especially struck me is this moment where Soya realizes he has no reason to fight anymore, he’s just a kid who’s not involved, he shouldn’t be asked to do this, and though he’s been channeling his grief into fighting, he just can’t anymore, he’s tired and overwhelmed and sad. It’s nice to see the show touching on how unfair it is to ask a child to fight, and actually having the other characters react to this with understanding rather than trying to force him to continue is....really nice to see.

Each character has their own fears and insecurity to grapple with,which is especially apparent in the scenes where the spaceship messes with their minds and gives them the dream world they desire- a couple of those scenes are genuinely heartbreaking and striking.

Even the antagonists are given layers and its shown why they think what they’re doing is right. The show centers thematically on how to suppress and respond to violence and it explores various sides of that debate. Can humanity be trusted with power? Is extreme pacifism or extreme force the way to deal with problems? What is the value of revenge? Is freedom or safety more important? Can we forgive and move past horrible wrongs? You may not end up agreeing with the show’s conclusion on all this, but the fact it confronts these questions so directly and really gives them some thought is nice. You can see WHY this is a conflict, and where both sides are coming from.

The show also has a pretty good-sized and solid cast of female characters and doesn’t treat them like garbage! it actually gives a lot of them solid arcs where they develop and go through all kinds of different emotions, always a plus!

Ginko may give a slight impression of being a airhead catgirlmaid cliche at first, but she soon shows herself to have wisdom and depth- her role in the narrative was one of the most pleasant surprises. She was way more involved in the fight than I thought she’d be and the found family she formed with Soya is one of the sweetest things about the show.

Nozomi’s character development is largely tied up in her relationship to Soya, so I kinda wish she had stuff going on besides being his supporter, but I do adore how she was treated with respect by the narrative, bought in on things as a civilian, and how brave and smart and loyal she is. She’s inspiring to Soya with her kindness and inspiring in general. And their relationship is genuinely sweet.

There’s an entire mini-arc focusing on the bond between two of the superhero girls- Miu and Harumi- and it is very dramatic and very gay and very about ladies inspiring and connecting with and saving each other, y’know, all the stuff i’m here for. We also had Benika, a badass lady is a suit (always gets a thumbs up from me) who had her own arc, and a woman who was on the semi-antagonist side. The women are all treated as competent and capable in combat.

The show is relatively mild on fanservice for a shonen-mech show and doesn’t get too gross or over-the top- probably the most noticeable scene is a conversation in a hot-tub, and even that doesn’t have ridiculous camera angles or anything. Mostly anything fanservice-y is goofy and tongue in cheek, rather than humiliating or non-consensual. The show actually has the honor of containing the only anime boob joke that’s actually made me laugh in recent memory (the over-the-top narration was on point). (There is one questionable element to warn for, namely an adult{?) woman briefly disguises herself as a high schooler and acts pretty flirtatiously with minors- thankfully it doesn’t go too far, but its something to watch out for.)

Planet With’s sense of humor and fun is just great in general. It deals with some serious and emotional topics, but never loses that whimsical, weird edge. It was clear from the beginning, when the super-threatening alien spaceship was some weird happy bear thing marked “peas”, that the show had a wonderfully bizarre and goofy atmosphere and it never loses that. Soya being endlessly foiled in his quest to eat some meat, the bizarre anthropomorphic animals, our heroes aggressively meowing as a battle cry- the show is so unapologetic in its weirdness and not afraid to embrace all the wonderful, colorful silliness inherent in its genre.

Basically, if you like giant-robot shows or action shows or even weird cat and dog monsters, I really recommend this show. Its a fast-paced wild ride full of fun characters and colorful storytelling. It’s occasionally cheesy, often bizarre, a little dizzying and sometimes genuinely emotional- but it’s always an experience and I had a good time watching it.

#planet with #anime overview #summer 2018 anime #soya kuroi #kuroi soya #ginko kuroi #kuroi ginko #anime #nozomi takamagahara #miu inaba #harumi kumashiro

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musicmixtapes · 6 years ago

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October 10, 2018 Mix

Welcome to this week's installation of music! I loved finding tracks that blended well in terms of sound and meaning, as well as playing around with the pace of the pieces so not to cause monotony inside the eardrums. Enjoy and any suggestions/opinions, send my way

Spotify Playlist (Listen in order!) 1. Walls by The Lumineers - First off, can I just say how excited I am to see new music from a group who never seems to disappoint both my ears and my heart. While listening for the first time I thought, "Wow what a great song, but this sounds kind of familiar" so when I showed it to my mom she said "Of course it sounds familiar, it's a cover of one of Tom Petty's songs" and then it made my heart that much fuller knowing that. Petty is known to have the American writing way of describing through metaphor exactly how love and relationships feel at a moment suspended in time. Using that craftsmanship and words that cut to the bone, The Lumineers created a cover that is so folky and vulnerable sounding, I am sure that Petty would not be disappointed in it. 2. I've Just Seen A Face by The Beatles - Continuing with classics that we may find hidden in corners of our mind, that pop out into existence from time to time, is this wonderful treasure from the Help! album, a beloved album to me and most of the world, I'm sure. I specifically chose this track because the title definitely created a supernatural element in my mind that translated to the feeling that love often gives, which is that it transcends regular human volition. It causes this reaction that cannot be expressed through regular conversation and absolutely needed to be sung about, which to me, is fantastic. Also, the really fast and frantic pace of the song adds to the urgency of the message of seeing someone in passing and instantly feeling a surge of love and the need to be with them at the moment. Falling in love is sometimes done in a slow motion type fall, but in this instance, it seems more immediate. 3. Moon Barks At The Dog by Saintseneca - The lyrical value that this song has is endless, and quite honestly, I could spend a long time doing an in depth analysis of this piece line by line, but for now I won't. The main thing I wanted to go in depth with a little bit is this image of the moon barking at the dog, which is just such a strange and abstract concept to grasp. Of course, the typical thing that someone would refer to is the dog barking at the moon, which is apparently a reference to the famous statement (I had no idea this existed): "It is common for the dog to bark at the moon, but if the moon barks back, the dog becomes famous." As a person who loves strange expressions, this has quickly become one of my favorites. There is also an entire verse that nods to Bruce Springsteen and his music not being the singer's cup of tea, which I disagree, but appreciate the reference anyway. 4. Los Ageless (cover) by The Wombats - I would say I'm sorry about including another version of the same song within two months, but I am not sorry at all because it is my firm belief that different versions of the same song can change it entirely and bring fresh perspective and possibly a new interpretation of meaning. Originally a St. Vincent song from her amazing album Masseducation, it was a more techno rock sound for sure, but this alternative group brought it down with a more acoustic sound fleshed out through it. I don't think the sound was altered so much that it changed the composition entirely, but the male voice for sure gave it a perspective which I was not expecting. To have a male singer express the notion "How could anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds too?" makes me feel a glimmer of hope to diminish toxic masculinity. 5. More Than Romantic Love by St. Lenox - I don't know exactly what to classify this as and to be fair, I'm not sure that putting this artist in a box would be serving him justice in any way. I felt that I was having a conversation with a fellow new yorker while really really cool, eclectic music was playing in the background. And I loved it. Just all of the references to living in a place in time where you are losing someone because you cannot accept the fact that they only want a platonic love, not romantic. This goes deeper though, and examines how to deal with someone who is going through personal struggle and how to reach them emotionally while being sensitive to their needs. St. Lenox has such a soulful conversational tone that speaks freely about mental health, breakup and the nervousness of the city, also shout out to Washington Square. He's an artist on the rise for sure. 6. This Is The Day by The The - This is a classic example of a song with an upbeat, generally happy sounding tune that literally step by step tells about the woes that a person with depression has to go through. It actually really reminded me of a Smiths song, where the mood totally does not match the words, and this is a trope I absolutely love to see in older music. The image of eyes being red and burning when seeing daylight is so profound because insomnia is one of the main traits of depression, so this feeling of always feeling tired in the daytime is so relatable to hear about in song, which I never have before. The synthesized sound and the acordion that are strung throughout the song really emphasize the dichotomy of the sound and feeling, which also add the layer of how you look on the outside doesn't always match how you are on the inside. 7. Greyhound by Calpurnia - Have you ever made future plans with someone you are in a relationship with, thinking that basically you'll be with them forever, and then suddenly, the time for that plan comes around, except you're not together anymore? Yeah? Me too, and apparently the writer of this song was in this exact position because that's essentially what it's about to put it in base question format. But what really satisfied me concerning this song was not the super relatable storyline aspect, but the sarcastic way of telling something pretty sad, which seemed like an epic breakup and heart break. The whole "hats of to you, for you to go" is so sassy and like a middle finger in the center of a song about still having feelings for an ex-love, which was so fun to see. I hope the subject of this song listened to this song. 8. 15 Minutes by The Strokes - Whenever asked my top favorite bands, they are always at the top of the list. I don't know exactly what resonates with me, but I have been trying to pin point the moodiness and exacerbated feelings for awhile that me and this band seems to always share. I think it's the way that Casablancas always mutters some really sad yet humorous things while hard core guitar comes in and really great drum beats and a bass line are right in line with it. This song is no exception because it totally defies the meaning of telling someone how you feel and being comfortable with oneself about it; if I may be so bold, I think it generally classifies how one with lots of anxiety would go about telling feelings from a real perspective, rather insecurely and with the approach of joking about emotions in a very honest way. 9. Think I'm Still In Love With You by Joyce Manor - A new album by an awesome punk, angsty, emo rock band, news I will never be upset to hear about. Specifically, this artist has so many different qualities going past the initial relatable angst you feel when listening to the many, many, many songs they have about not being able to get over something or feeling like a burden in someone else's life constantly. This song has a clear shift in feeling though because the uncertainty is definitely present in terms of wanting to still be in love with someone because of a past emotion, but now things seem a bit hazier and they aren't so sure if the feelings are still quite there. This song comes about midway through the album, a really great placement on their part because it signifies perhaps a shift in weather during a one sided relationship and perhaps things will change thereafter. 10. So Tied Up by Cold War Kids and Bishop Briggs - Oftentimes I speculate from an outsider's look at a song, and piece together the meaning in relation to both the music and my own life. In this instance, I didn't really have to do so because the artist actually shared exactly what his intentions were with the meaning behind this song. He said, "With every new relationship, you either talk about previous relationship stuff (warts and all), or you just pretend like they never existed. Both are kinda terrible. When you go the full disclosure route it’s probably sincere, maybe you’re even praised for your vulnerability. However, you know it’s probably gonna be used against you later, in a fight, in the worst way." So that's that, and in terms of the gospel vibes I received from this alt rock song, I am very happy and get really pumped walking down the street to it. 11. Days On A Wire by Case - This instantly gives me the image of watching a movie scene where one person is lovingly thinking about another and kind of like sitting on a train looking out the window and considering their feelings, all wrapped up in desire. So now that I have shared my mental scene, let me explain that the really awesome acoustic with horns sounds that are produced in this piece add to the love song vibes that is perceived while listening. Also, the singer's voice is super dreamy and light, at some points seeming like barely more than a whisper of phrases, adding to the whimsical elements involved in the song. Actually, the horns in this song kind of act as a guitar usually would in terms of a melodic riff that occurs between verses and choruses, and I love this difference of instruments, a unique sound. 12. In The Morning I'll Be Better by Tennis - Taking some else's pain away is the hardest thing to do, especially when it's something not curable by care and devotion on it's own, but that's precisely what the artist is intending to say in this piece, which is tragically beautiful. So originally, I perceived this to be about someone's mental anguish and a relationship of sorts attempting to remedy this suffering by acceptance and love. In fact, this is not what the artist meant, but it's still a cool interpretation if I do say so myself. It was revealed that the writer's friend was deemed terminally ill and this was their way of processing the emotions that go into realizing that someone is most likely not going to get better. It is a love song that goes beyond love, but more about the wanting to take someone's pain and endure it so they don't have to. 13. Clueless by The Marías - Yes, yes, yes. My exact thoughts when seeing that this group came out with new music, when listening to the first few bars of the song, and then again when hearing the song two full times through (once for sound and another for words and meaning). The palpable tension heard in the song is so real for so many people when having an argument and to match the tension is the dialoguing throughout that basically says they can't handle the ups and downs going through the relationship anymore. I read that this was inspired by a spat between the vocalist and her significant other, drummer-producer Josh Conway. This revelation was incredible because imagine being in a band and a relationship with someone and having to create music while a major fight is going on. Me neither. 14. Running by Nicotine's Famous Honey - If I could title this anything other than what it is, I would title it "The Art of Just Barely Getting By In Our Fucked Up World" but that would not be as aesthetic as this aptly titled name. In the past, I have publicly argued against certain styles of music, simply because I knew less about music and didn't listen to enough genres on a regular basis. I am still trying to broaden my horizons, especially in terms of R&B and the Hip Hop genre in general, but this under emphasized artist is such a beautiful example of taking one genre that is criticized for being cliched and overdone and taking it to a whole different level. I love this combination of dream-pop, low-fi indie and hip hop and R&B all in one piece, and if you haven't looked into them, definitely check out some of their other music, it is so enticing. 15. Weird Honey by Elvis Depressedly - I'm taking the meaning of this song entirely from the artist because I think it can be interpreted a hundred different ways, depending on who you are thinking about while listening to it and what kind of mental state you are in too. Also we love to see an iconic guitar riff thrown in sporadically to a pretty sad low fi rock song, so that's a pretty cool spot in hell. The meaning though: "I lied before. It’s just an homage to Jesus and Mary Chain, and has no direct meaning. This is a love song so it could be seen as a pet name, or even a symbol of a love that is strange and new but full of sweetness. I find it incredibly strange that so many people have interpreted this song to be so negative, or even a break up song, when it’s the opposite. It’s a song about new love." There you have it. 16. Wings In All Black by Gregory Alan Isakov - If you are looking for an acoustic folk artist who puts emphasis on literally every single word and note of a song, look no further, he is right here, and also in my soul forever. Hailing from his brand new album, is this gem which sinks your heart to your stomach almost immediately upon listening. I believe this to be about having to rise up out of a really dark time in your life, despite not wanting to, the fact that instead of feeding the beast of loss, you have to grow wings of your own and fight against the demons you are experiencing. The image of having "wings in black" is a nod to the struggle between staying down in a bad place and having to come out of it no matter how impossible it seems at the time. I am now noticing a lot of these songs have to do with dealing with loss and mental health day by day, which is very important. 17. Should I by Arum Rae - I have to give entire props and credits for this song to my wonderful mother, who is always good for sending me songs to listen to on a weekly basis. Particularly, I first heard this song on my ferry ride home to New Jersey for the first time since leaving for college this year, so it has earned a really special place in my heart for the year. The piano is so present in this song, which as I have mentioned in previous posts, you don't get to see a lot in newer slow songs, which have become taken over by guitar a lot of the times. Also, Rae's voice questioning her every move and overthinking all her choices for the future is so heart felt and honest that you can't help but empathize with these feelings. The message of the song is maybe taking things one step at a time is the healthiest thing you can do when things get overwhelming in life. Yes. 18. How by Daughter - Ok, so finding out that most of the songs I have chosen for this week's mix surround the topics of loss and grieving past versions of self has become super illuminating in terms of my own maturation process. Staying topic though, this group always sheds light on the painful emotions rather than the pleasurable ones, which sometimes creates a dreary mood, but I like to view it as not being afraid to voice some negativity in order to clear it out of one's mind, which many people are apprehensive to do. This song describes pain as being in slow motion and I can't explain why that is true, but it is. The lines "hold me back, hold me back" in reference to wanting to go get someone that they have lost is so crucial to the theme of the song which is moving on from something while still having regrets in regards to the situation, feeling cheated or let down by someone. 19. Killer by Phoebe Bridgers - This playlist began with this song all by it's lonesome, but all along I knew that the rest of the pieces would be built around this, so I guess this has to be the reason why all the songs are so deeply related with one another. You may be thinking, wow I can't believe this song is about one's own death, this is really morose and ominous. Yes, I totally agree and think that it's really sad and death related, but knowing that it goes deeper than that is really vital to appreciating it's beauty. This is about a relationship being buried away and while doing so, dredging up all the past memories of loving a person. There is no remedy for knowing that two people are too much for one another, but this soulful lament is definitely a start. Also, Bridgers has noted that this song is in reference to Ryan Adams, famed songwriter who had a short fling with her when she was pretty young. 20. WALLS by Kings Of Leon - I did this on purpose, I made the first and last song both titled "walls" for a particular reason. I think they both serve very different purposes and perspectives to the metaphorical walls that are being broken down and simultaneously built up within a relationship. In the covered song that the Lumineers did, we see a shift to a more positive message of hearts having walls and climbing them is a struggle, but that it is worth it for the love we get to experience on the other side of it. In contrast, this very low tempo song (especially for Kings of Leon) is about kind of the exact opposite. This is about a man's ego being utterly shattered, exemplifying walls being torn down, in order to love a woman who just took his heart with her when she left. I don't think it's all sad though; I think this experience of walls coming down around someone to experience true loss of a person is so important for personal growth and strength. Thanks for listening and reading into things really deeply with me, catch you next week! Love & Listening,

Julia

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arthurian · 7 years ago

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Letters to Twist Immortality

Pairing: Thomas x Newt kinda? Words: 2,296 Read this on AO3. Premise: Thomas writes more letters than just about anyone he knows. Letters to his friends. Letters to the past, to the future, to the universe. Letters to Chuck and Alby and Teresa. But not matter who he starts writing his letters to, he always ends up finishing writing it to Newt. My requests are currently open!

Thomas wrote more letters than just about anyone he knew. A handful a day, at the very least. People often thought his habit of carrying a notebook and paper, so he could squat and write when the desire struck, was sweet in a strange way, until they realized the truth. Thomas’ letters were like most things; simple and endearing, if you didn’t look beneath the surface.

Sometimes they were light. Sometimes they were funny. Sometimes they were a double edged sword of painful memories and the cold bite of anger. Thomas wrote letters to his friends. It just happened that most of his friends were dead. And all the ones he wrote too were corpses long since decayed down to nothing but bones. But Thomas wrote to them anyways; kept them alive and immortalized in written word.

He also wrote letters to the past. Sometimes they were feathery and reminiscent. Sometimes they were heavy with loss and hot with pain. Sometimes they were a simple question, on tear stained paper, in the nervous sprawl of a man riddled with survivor’s guilt. Why did I live when they died?

He wrote letters to the future. Sometimes they were whimsical and wanting. Sometimes they were accusatory and fraught with demand. Sometimes they were the wish and ache of a boy trapped in a world without the people he loved most, pleading to his future self to guard his heart more fiercely.

He wrote letters to the universe. Sometimes he thanked it for Minho and Brenda; for their lives and their continued strength. Sometimes he cursed it for the bodies he’d never gotten to bury, the names he never properly knew, the faces already smudging in his memory. Sometimes he asked why he couldn't be where he most longed to be, before scribbling out the words and cursing himself for his weakness.

Thomas wrote many letters. To many things. To many people.

But mostly, he wrote to the Gladers.

Specifically, Alby and Chuck and Teresa.

Chuck’s letters were always a rollercoaster of an ordeal. Despite his immunity and his survival, Thomas was far from the happiest of the previous WICKED captives, now living out their days in relative sanctuary. In fact, Thomas was one of the saddest. For some reason, he carried a heavier burden than most. An inability to take a step without pulling the memories of the tortured and the dead and the forgotten along with him. Chuck wouldn't have liked that though, so Thomas endeavored to write something funny. He told Chuck about teaching Brenda Glader slang, and how she’d snorted coffee up her nose laughing at stories of Chuck and his profound love for the word klunk. Thomas thought his friend would have liked that.

Alby’s letters were heavy. Thomas carried them in his pocket, weighed down by their contents until his muscles strained and quaked against the burden. He told Alby about the people he’d saved, and how they smiled more and laughed more every day, and the people he’d failed, and how they lived in his weary mind and spoke to him in his dreams. He tried to convey that he was still trying to atone for his time spent with WICKED. That he was still trying to be the leader Alby would have wanted him to be. That he was still trying to be the friend he’d always strived to embody, a sturdy shoulder to lean on when someone shook with fear or grief. He wanted Alby to know that his faith in Thomas hadn’t been misplaced. That Thomas had always done his best to protect their friends. He wanted Alby to be proud.

Teresa’s letters were a flame. Thomas’ fingers burned with each word and his chest seemed to cave in as if he were breathing in smoke. Where Teresa was concerned, he was either aflame with rage or burnt down to an ember of longing. He missed her. All the time, he missed her. And he told her often of how much he hated that. Because he was still angry at her for betraying him but she was dead and you couldn’t hate a dead girl.

But it didn't matter how many letters Thomas wrote, because no matter who he started writing to, Thomas always found that half way through he was writing to someone else. A different ghost but a ghost all the same. Whenever he touched pen to paper, even if he strained for focus and murmured his words out loud, it seemed every pen stroke lead back to one name.

Newt.

The one person he never meant to write to. The one person who’s name burned a hole in his tongue so hot and so agonizing when he spoke it that Thomas had stopped saying it at all. The one person who's absence was as permanent a fixture as Thomas’ shadow.

No, he never meant to write to Newt. Newt was a wound to fresh and too gritty and too bloody to do anything but cauterize with task after task. But it didn't matter. By the time he finished a letter, he was always writing to Newt anyway.

It was beginning to weigh on him, however, that he couldn’t finish a letter to Chuck or Alby or Teresa. It felt like he didn’t value them, like he was pushing them aside. Which was why he sat alone by the fire now, staring at the blank piece of paper in his notebook, a nicked and dying pen in his hand, preparing himself to write the letter he’d been avoiding for months.

Shifting his words to speak to Newt inside someone else’s letter had been natural, instinct. But starting one was much harder. He couldn’t seem to make his hand move. Anxiety and anguish were steel rods in his ribcage, threatening to shred his heart to useless tatters of muscle and flesh. Thomas did not want to do this.

But he owed it to Newt. To Alby and Chuck and Teresa. And he owed it to myself.

There were words that needed to be said. Truths he needed to unearth. Emotions he needed to voice. So Thomas grit his teeth against the threat of an onslaught of tears, and began to move his hand across the page.

Dear Newt,

This isn’t the first letter I’ve written, by long shot. In fact, I’ve lost count of how many apologies and memories and wishes I’ve scribbled across paper since I we left the Maze. Hell, it’s not even the first letter I’ve ever written to you, but it’s the first one I’m writing on purpose.

We’ve been at the Sanctuary for almost a year now. You’ve been dead a bit longer than that. It’s a rule, around here, that we don’t talk about you. Not because we don’t miss you. Minho used to always catch himself trying to say you would love something, and Gally would talk all the time about how you were a stupid shank about me, but we could do with leading a bit more like you did. Sometimes even Brenda would mention you. But they all stopped.

Not because of you.

Because of me.

Losing Alby was hard. Losing Chuck was agony. Losing so many others made me feel like I was a boy made of glass, slowly shattering and trying not to let anyone cut themselves on all my jagged edges. Losing you is unbearable.

It’s still present tense. I can’t say I lost you, because that implies somehow that the pain has passed. When really it’s fresh every day.

Sometimes, when I’m right on the edge of sleep, I forget that you’re dead. I forget that you’re dead because of me. And it’s the only time I feel okay. It’s the only time I feel like Thomas and not a ghost. Because the truth is, I died too, the day I killed you. And we both die all over again, every day, when I wake up and realize you’re not here to tell me to get my shuck ass in gear and pull my weight.

So it’s present tense. Our lives begin again, just for a moment, right before I fall asleep. And our lives end again, the moment dreams talk hold.

I think there might be some sort of poetic justice to that. It seems an almost divine sort of punishment; a twisted sense of immortality. But what else do I deserve for killing my best friend?

When we first got here, me and Minho and Brenda and Gally and all the rest, they tell me I used to yell your name in my sleep. The first time, they couldn’t wake me. When I finally came to, Minho was shaking me. I’d never seen him looked so destroyed before. He said when I first started calling out for you, it was soft. Like I was trying to get your attention. Like you were just out of earshot and I was trying to catch up.

And then it changed. My voice. He said he’d never heard me scream like that. That it was worse than Chuck, worse than Teresa, worse than anything he’d ever seen. Minho said he’d never heard someone in so much pain. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that in my dream you were dying again, but I think he knew anyways.

I guess you wouldn’t know about Teresa, that she’s dead too. Sometimes, I think you might be happy about that, but then I remember you. The real you. And I don’t think you’d celebrate anyone’s dying. You should know though, that she tried to make things right. I don’t know if I forgive her; for the betrayal, for dying.

I don’t know if I forgive you, either. For dying. For leaving me alone. For carving a hole in my chest that nothing can fill. For leaving a void that trembles and aches and burns. For taking every piece of me down with you. For making me kill you. For making me kill the brightest piece of myself.

And I hate you for it. There are moments where I remember the glaze clearing from your eyes and the Tommy on your lips and the weight of your death in my hands. And I hate you so much that my pain burns so bright it’s blinding and all I want to do is scream in your face and tell you how selfish and stupid and horrible you are.

And then I spiral.

Because I don’t hate you. Not really. Not even at all. How could you hate the most precious desire of your heart?

I never told you. I don’t know if you knew. I don’t know if you thought that I loved Teresa until the end. Or that Brenda took her place in my heart. If you did, you were wrong. There was no place for Brenda to take over. No place Teresa filled that wasn’t a bond forged by a mutual past, shared history and nothing more.

I’ve only ever been in love with one person. The Glue that held me together. This stupid boy with a weird accident and hair the color of the corn in Zart’s garden and eyes the color of chocolate I’ve forgotten the taste of.

I’ve only ever been in love with one boy.

You.

I wish I’d had the nerve to tell you that when you were alive. When I was living and not walking through the world like a zombie. You used to tell me that when people get lazy, they get sad, and that’s why rules were so strict in the Glade. To keep everyone busy. But I keep busy all the time and I don’t feel any better.

Is there even such a thing as feeling better, when you’re living in a nightmare painted over with bright colors, pretending to be a dream come true?

I have a confession to make. Sometimes I wish something bad would happen. That I would get sick or that there’d be some kind of natural disaster, anything, anything, that would let me be with you again. I can’t do it myself. I wouldn’t. Not when Minho still looks to me when he misses you, not when Gally finally wants to follow my lead, not when Brenda is trying so hard every day to make me smile, not when everyone is watching me and waiting for me to keep them going. But it doesn’t stop me from wishing I had an excuse to give up, just so I could see you again as you were.

Smiling.

Happy to see me.

Haunted is a good word for how I feel when the stars come out and I realize I can’t join them. Join you.

But I know you’d be angry with me for dying. And so I fight harder here than I think I ever did in the Maze, or out in the Scorch, or against WICKED. To be the person you believed me to be. To be a man worthy of you.

This letter is the hardest one I’ve ever written, because it hurts the most. It’s also the easiest I’ve ever written, because I always have so much to tell you. I’ll write more now. To you and to everyone else.

I hope there’s some way you can read this. Or at least know what it says.

I hope you’re proud of everyone, of me, for all we’ve accomplished.

I hope there’s some kind of afterlife you’re watching from.

I hope you’re waiting for me there.

But mostly I hope you got your memories back. That you’re happy. That you’re getting to live the life you never got when you were alive.

The first letter of many, and until we meet again,

Tommy

#tmr #the maze runner #newtmas #tmr fic #newtmas fic #thomas x newt #newt x thomas #tmrnetwork #user:sage #usertash #userpia #tyblacktorn #writing*

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