#if i wasn't mad at myself for leaving my first school in 2018 i'm certainly mad about everything that's culminated since

[maxbegone]

a vent.

this is just going to be a stream of consciousness, but i'm kind of not doing phenomenal. not even remotely.

i post about it vaguely quite a bit, but there's a lot of tension between my uncle and i right now who has been, for all intents and purposes and for lack of a better term, my "guardian" since my dad passed (which is coming up on four years, holy shit). and, by extension, it's increased tension within my family and my. or, that's at least how i feel things currently are.

i didn't spend thanksgiving with family, and instead went to my friend's which was a safer option. i don't feel safe where i am right now — and i don't mean this in a "my life is at risk" kind of way, but more so in an emotional sense. i'm in a constant freeze state that's only increased in the latter half of this year. my uncle lives on a different level than everyone else; he's well off, his job involves people with too much money to know what to do with, and he's constantly making comments he thinks is funny, or makes comments in front of clients when i head into the office (emphasis on when) to work, such as, "i love her (me), but i want to like her." like. hi, that's not appropriate and all i do is lie down and take it. because you scare me. becuase you're an intense person who is extremely hard to talk to. i will be the first to say that i'm very lucky, and that if he wasn't in my life, i wouldn't have been alright these last few years. but it's getting to a point where i need to start setting a hard and strict boundary. i shouldn't be living in fear that he's going to show up at my apartment to berate me for something. i shouldn't be living in fear, period. and come february, he's kicking me off insurance. i'm turning 26, and what he's doing already is deeply generous, but if i can't find something with benefits, i'm fucked. when it comes to the whole job thing, this has me feeling like i'll wind up settling for something and getting stuck doing something for the rest of my life that will make me miserable. he's constantly making me feel like my life is just...over in less than two months and that i need to have had everything figured out the minute we said goodbye to my dad.

this has made my depression worse than i think it's ever been, i'm in a constant state of stress, and he recently stopped by to see if i was working at my actual job, saw i wasn't there, and then made comments to my managers and coworkers about me that had them really up in arms defending me (things like, "she's never here, give her more hours," blah blah blah that actually had my manager pulling me aside, in tears, to apologize for how he treats me). there are text messages that i have from him stacked up over the years that are really just...heartbreaking. for one, calling me lazy and spoiled the october after my dad died because i was refusing to leave my childhood home and get a move on into my new apartment, all that he sent in the family groupchat. did anyone defend me? no. i'm sorry, i know you all have dealt with loss, but my one parent is now gone and i'm sitting here gripping to every last memory i have of my life prior to all of this. cut me some slack.

there's so much more here. none of this probably sounds coherent and is probably more erratic than anything else. i'm working on all of this in therapy. and as for the "can you write down what you want to say to him" suggestions...no. because i'm not too sure he'll take me seriously. really makes me wonder what my dad would be saying right now.

my uncle scares me because of his intensity. he would never physically hurt me, but emotionally? absolutely. he's just not...aware. he's not aware. and he's caused me to do some things and open up old wounds that i really, really should not be. and once those open, they're hard to close, y'know?

these last few weeks have been awful. i think more about not existing than anything else. i'm lucky if i remember to eat. i'm lucky if i respond to a text message. i'm lucky if i get out of bed before ten in the morning, which is not who i am at all.

i couldn't do therapy this week because my account was overdrawn. i want to get a move on with my life and figure out what it is that i want to do, but i'm getting rejected from jobs or, i'm feeling too under qualified to even attempt to submit my application. everything i want to do feels too risky and i don't want to hear from my uncle about any of my aspirations or decisions. i have therapy scheduled for monday, but this week has basically involved me rotting away and, let's be honest, not taking care of myself. i'm actually debating on doing an everything shower at almost eleven o'clock at night just to feel better.

again. none of this is coherent, i'm sure. i feel so untethered and so disconnected from so many things in my life. i'm neglecting doing some things for the sake of other things. i've hurt myself because of it. i punish myself because this is what i feel i deserve. i want to set myself on fire and restart. like...nothing feels alright. nothing. i don't feel safe within myself, i don't feel safe within my family, despite knowing they care, and the other side isn't an option in the slightest.

i think there is going to be a day very soon where i just completely combust, and i'm not too sure what the results will be.

i'm not ok. i don't know if i ever have been. i don't know if there has ever been a single time in my life where i wasn't stressed. all i feel is inadequate, untethered and completely lost to the wind. i don't know what else to do.