#if i hadn't gotten the role i would have gone right along with my perfectly reasonable life plan and probably never acted again
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so i'm trying to come to terms with starship iris ending, y'know, as one does when there's a project that you auditioned for on a whim as a total amateur, eight years and a lifetime ago, that is finally coming to a close, and i am really truly trying not to get sappy about it. but.
in another universe, there is no ishani kanetkar. she was born with this show, for this show, and it's still a little unbelievable to me that there are people i've never met who know who she is. it's even wilder that there are people i HAVE met who want her, this person who has never been fully real but has always still been me, to help them tell their own stories.
i recorded the pilot episode on my wired earbuds' built-in microphone, in a bedroom in my grandparents' home in mumbai. those grandparents are gone; that house of my memory too. but every time i come back to this show, i remember sitting on the bed of the small room that once belonged to my great-aunt, trying and failing to find a scrap of quiet so that kay grisham could tell violet liu it would all be okay.
so maybe some of the things i'm feeling are for the end of a story, but i think some of them are also for the ishani who started telling it, who can't go back. some of them are for ishani kanetkar, this ephemeral self and not-self, whose own time is one day going to be over. and some of them are just for me, now, who looks forward to a future with other projects and other people but not this project, with these people, and is sad to say goodbye. i hope i can do my part to give it a truly phenomenal send-off.
#tscosi#ishani speaks#urgh i DID get maudlin but like.#what do you do when you can pinpoint a decision that changed your life in ways you didn't even know it could be changed!!!#if i hadn't gotten the role i would have gone right along with my perfectly reasonable life plan and probably never acted again#but instead so many of my memories of the last 8 years are overlaid with the stories i got to help tell. because of this one#always‚ in the end‚ because of this one#SUE ME I'M AN ACTOR I GUESS I'M GONNA BE A BIT DRAMATIC
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