#if i get sick then i'll deal with it. honestly will probably save on grocery bill bc i won't be up to eating very much if i get sick lmfao

[piplupod]

everyone pray that i have not given myself food poisoning 🙏🙏🙏

[dreamer9817]

Well, I'm getting better. and I know there are upside and downs. But sometimes there's a point where you know there's a car coming at you and you can't move to save your life? I have a few simple things to do that will make my and people's lives easier but I'm just sitting here like a coward, over the simplest things. Did I really do all those years of learning and getting g a job? Sending a message on teams seems monumental. and the more I fear it, the more daunting it becomes.

Because I'm tired of ghosting people due to anxiety and dissapointing and angering them and then having to apologize and make up to them when I'm back to feeling normal.

These themes run in every aspect of my life.

Wish I could just quit. But it's the best job I can have right now, changing jobs takes time, and honestly if I leave this job, I'm not sure if I'll go back to working again.

Sometimes I'm all normal, living a normal life with people around, grocery shopping, talking normal life things.

Sometimes, it feels it'll be so easy to just end it all.

Well these are just passing thoughts. I've seen the deep end of them and I'm doing much better now years later but progress is not linear.

I promised myself I won't do it, because of my family, no one else would be there to support them, I promised myself that ending everything is not an option on the table.

It's hard, when you've decided to survive, when you realize you're a human being who's just as vulnerable and as strong as anyone else. and you're not a forever studying, forever going to coffee shops girlie. You're a working adult, and finance and money is very real and if you lose a job there is a limited time till you're out of it.

These dangers seem so harsh, and my mind so soft, that it's something similar to cognitive dissonance? My mind shuts down in face of very real requirement of action that has very real consequences. I can't cry my way through the corporate world. I'm just a chess piece there.

Anti depressants have a warning, one we know. anyone going through it has probably wandered around that barren side.

Never self harmed, or starved (atleast not voluntarily), never drank to drown sorrows, never little a cig. But neither did I exercise, pick a hobby, travel or make friends. Just stuck in that limbo, years and years. All strangers would at most becomes friendly acquaintances, an illusion of friends, and then a few months later strangers again.

Long back at a lunch hosted by professor, he knew I'd take failing hard like??? Thanks for this vote of confidence? Encourage me! why do you judge me. Well that was a decade back.

I'm sick of apologizing and sick of begging, sick of being looked at like I'm dirt, sick of still letting people's expressions and words affect me.

Sick of job structure, but having a business will be harder and unstable. but putting 8-12 hours everyday into the corporate machine where everyone is shallow, is soul sucking, soul crushing. and I'm not even in the worst place, it's actually one of the best.

People are living their best lives, facing the same problems I did. They don't let anxiety/depression even touch them. They might have other problems to deal with, but silly things like interacting with people don't bother them.