#if i didn't make it clear i loooovvveee being a man

[youregay]

If you talked to me irl abt gender, womanhood, femininity, gender presentation, sexuality, etc without knowing me you would assume I'm a very repressed trans woman. I'm stealth trans guy (using that phrasing cause 'passing' makes me gag) and there are a lot of aspects of femininity and womanhood I really enjoy. I fall into the camp of "I wish I were a woman" and if you heard me say that w/o context you'd prob be gearing up to make scrambled eggs. But truly, I'm a drag queen in a [trans] man's body.

I've only ever experienced attraction in a queer way so the idea of being with women as a man is so confusing; my first gay realizations were about women after all. I'm so used to my attraction being reflected in my gender presentation, loving men enough to be one and loving men because I am one and be attracted to men because they look like me and because I want to look like them, that the idea of that not carrying over to women is confounding. Women are so beautiful who wouldn't want to be one? boobs soapy in the shower, etc. Why wouldn't you want to reflect the image of the people you're attracted to? It doesn't help that internalized notions of being a 'predatory queer woman' have carried over into both adulthood and manhood, not helped especially by the fact that women have a genuine reason to be cautious around me as a strange man.

As it stands, I have little interest in presenting feminine save for in a theoretical world with shapeshifting or conprable high effort drag. Even when I cross dress I do it expressly to look like a man in a dress and I earnestly hope more people start recognizing how attractive it is when men/masculine people dress fem/slutty as a way to enhance their masculine features. Unfortunately, we live in a world where deviation from gender norms makes you less of a man; even in queer circles being multiple genders is often seen as percents of a single gender; being part man and part woman makes you less of either instead of two things wholly. I never mention my complicated relationship to gender because I am 100% a man and want to live exclusively as a man and no aspect of my identity or self can take away from that, but other people don't see it that way. Se la vie, my gender is my own and only for me.

Funny enough the thing I miss most about being passably a woman was 'tricking' men into being attracted to a dude. I realize though that men are openly attracted to me so often now that any insecurity about men still being attracted to me post transition is gone. I only miss the period of time where I knew I was a man and was basically in drag full time; there was an odd power that came with that. The other thing I miss was being able to more easily hit on women.

Just to end on a confusing note, none of this is helped by my strongly held conviction that I would be transfem if things had been different.