#if eddie wants chris back he'll have to do the work to make himself better and their home a more stable environment

[after-the-end-times]

Sigh. Sometimes loving a child isn't enough to make someone a good parent, especially, when the parent creates an emotionally unstable home environment

Such as, constantly bringing partners into a child's life and orbit and then using that child as an excuse for not being able to break up with them

Such as, knowing you have ptsd and panic attacks that effect your child's life and emotional well being and choosing not to go to therapy consistently

And then fans saying that Chris can't leave Eddie because Eddie loves him, well that sounds an awful lot like Eddie not being able to break up with any number of his girlfriends because Chris loves them. Love is not an excuse for a child to stay in a bad situation

And yeah, maybe Chris could've gone with another better suited family member, but they're not who Chris called. He could've called his aunts or Buck, but in that moment, when he needed a safe place, he called his grandparents; even if, as adults, we can see they also have their problems

(On a personal note, my four nieces have been put into my care on and off for the past 11 years, because, despite their parents loving them, they have not been consistently emotionally available to take care of them)

I'm just tired of all these posts saying Chris can't leave or that Eddie just needed time to explain or that the grandparents swooped in too fast and Chris just needed time to cool off

'Cause unfortunately this was not an isolated event and if Chris needed to leave to feel safe then ultimately Eddie's feelings about it don't matter in the slightest. Chris is the priority

And I'm sure for plot purposes Chris is just "gone for the summer" which is a normal season finale thing. And then either he shows back up on his own in the s8 premier or the plot will take them to Texas to talk to him

But Eddie needs to show he's used the summer to actively better himself, because he and Chris can not continue on the way they were

[alchemistc]

"Evan's not here," Tommy says, and Eddie scowls at him as he pushes past Tommy, already aiming for the kitchen as he hitches the six pack he'd brought with him up under his armpit. It'd been a - a thing. A 'my best friend and my new friend are too busy sucking face to spend every spare moment distracting me from my problems' thing, a thing where Eddie sort of finally understood exactly why Buck had hip checked him on the basketball court months ago. He wants his best friend back. He wants the ease of his friendship with Tommy back.

Which is - Christ, he's selfish, is the thing. A month without Chris there to keep him occupied and Eddie has had some startling realizations about himself. ("You're not selfish, Eddie, you're the most selfless person I know." from Buck and "So fix it," from Tommy, a rare night out with the both of them because he'd headed date night off at the pass by asking Tommy to go out for drinks before he and Buck could make plans without him).

"My world doesn't revolve around Buck," Eddie tells him, and screws the cap off a beer to hand it to Tommy. Tommy's doing that judgmental face he gets when he wants to say something bitchy but hasn't put the words in the right order yet. And - Eddie's not lying. Buck is a fixed point, an ever present life-line, but he's not the fucking sun.

Neither is Chris, apparently, which is news to Eddie and he's - spiralling, still. Quietly, calmly, and he's only punched one hole in the wall on a bad night.

"You ever go to Frank?" Eddie asks, like Frank is the only therapist in the greater LA area, and Tommy rolls his eyes, disappears long enough for the muted sound of the television to go quiet.

When he comes back Eddie's reading the label on his beer bottle

"Apparently I resent you," Eddie says, and Tommy chuffs a laugh.

"Apparently?"

"No, I -." The words had been just as hard two hours ago. This little trip was his own design, he'd been told specifically to sit in it for a while but Christ, an hour a week isn't enough time to talk through his issues and it's not like he can tell Buck he resents him for finding something he's happy and stable and solid in. So. Tommy it is. "You and Buck are good together. I'm happy for you both. I am."

Tommy settles against a countertop with his hip digging into the Formica. His kitchen has gained a dutch oven that looks suspiciously like the one Buck has been showing Eddie for like six months that he couldn't justify the cost of because he's not around enough to use it as much as he'd like.

"I'm not usually the one without his shit together," Eddie says.

"No offense, Eddie, but I thought the whole point of therapy was you realizing you rarely have your shit together."

Also true. He's - usually better at hiding it though. Kim was a joker stacked up on a wobbly house of cards and he'd known, somewhere in the back of his mind, that she'd bring the whole thing tumbling to the ground. Mass casualty event. No survivors.

"You make each other better people," Eddie says, which is the wrong thing to say apparently because Tommy scowls.

"If you wanna completely ignore all the work we've both put into ourselves," he snipes, and - yeah. Fair. Buck's been in therapy for years now. Every once in a while he'll pull something out of his ass that makes Eddie's skin itch - something so mystifyingly self-aware that it makes Eddie want to claw into his chest cavity and rip out his fucking heart. And Tommy - well, he doesn't know much but it's not like Tommy's the paragon of perfection. He's worked through some shit. Is still working through shit, if the aftermath of his and Buck's first real fight is any indication.

"I've never been with someone who makes me want to work on myself," Eddie admits, and the lines around Tommy's eyes shift. He sighs.

"Never gonna find that if you don't want it for yourself."

Yeah. Frank's said as much. It's just - Eddie doesn't have a starting point. Tommy had the whole hiding his true self thing, and Buck had the dead-brother-shitty-parents thing, and he's whittling them both down to the sharp edges of themselves in his mind, which isn't entirely fair but it's easier than trying to confront what the fuck his own problem is. Dead wife, his kid in another state, a contentious relationship with his father, a whole backlog of PTSD he's never really confronted head on. Weird feelings cropping up about a religion he thought he'd left in the dust and sand of Afghanistan and a hole he's been trying to fill up with other people since - well, he doesn't even know since when.

Tommy's got his dog tags laying in the bottom of an empty fruit bowl on his kitchen table. Eddie's never seen them before, and some part of him knows Tommy'd brought them out for a conversation with Buck he'll never hear himself, and he aches. He doesn't want them, but he wants what they have, wants to be able to talk about the difficult shit without closing in on himself, wants to have someone to come home to, wants -

"I spent six months imagining my therapist's head exploding every time she made me talk about something uncomfortable," Tommy tells him, and takes a long drag off his beer. For the first time since he'd knocked on Tommy's door, Eddie actually feels a little bad about interrupting his night, but that just leaves him spiralling some more because Eddie usually feels bad about everything, all the time, so why hadn't he felt guilty about this until now? And why does he feel guilty about not feeling guilty?

"I just want him to fix me," Eddie says, and Tommy laughs. Laughs hard and long enough that Eddie's feeling offended. Off kilter and pissed off and -

"You're not a single loose wire, Eddie. Can't just replace a cable and have a clean slate. You gotta change your oil and replace the spark plugs and top up the coolant, over and over again until you die."

It's the sort of metaphor Eddie'd like to lob across the field of engagement just to watch it get shot to pieces. It's apt, though.

"Feels like the whole engines gotta go," Eddie tells him "Transmission's shot and my catalytic converter keeps getting stolen and the mufflers been welded back on so many times that it's half-solder."

"Christ," Tommy says, which. Yeah. Exactly. "Well you can't exactly send yourself to the junk yard for scrap and buy a newer model."

"Buck does," Eddie snaps, and Tommy rolls his eyes. He'd been there the last time Buck brought up his 1.0 days.

"Half the time a system update patches ten bugs and creates twenty more."

"So Buck's buggy, is what you're saying."

He rolls his tongue over his teeth. "You are running off faulty software and you've been refusing to update to the new version because you heard it'd burn the battery faster, is what I'm saying."

Eddie doesn't have a whole lot of charge to begin with. And the metaphors are starting to muddle in his brain, too many different ideas battling around when he's already spent an ornery hour talking to Frank and another trying to convince himself he doesn't resent his best friend for accepting his own fucking flaws and working on them.

Tommy sets the beer bottle down. Eyes Eddie for a moment, and Eddie wonders how often he levels that look on Buck, how Buck feels when Tommy flays him open and digs through his insides. "You wanna go hit something for a bit?" he asks, and Eddie nods so quickly he nearly smacks his nose into the brim of the bottle in his own hand. He's about done feeling his feelings, for the moment. He'll probably end up being annoyed that Tommy makes him wrap his hands before he takes some aggression out on the bag hung up in the corner of Tommy's garage, but maybe when Tommy gets annoyed with him and does that takedown maneuver that knocks the wind out of Eddie's lungs when they're sparring he'll let that go.

Tommy flicks his forehead on the way to grab him something to wear. "That's for calling my boyfriend buggy, jackass," he says, and laughs himself all the way down the hall when Eddie splutters after him.

His bedroom door snicks shut by the time Eddie's recovered enough to remind him that he'd been Eddie's friend first.

[canonicallyobserving911]

WIP Wednesday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Season 7 FANON FanFic: Buddie Multi-Chapter - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 29 will be posted soon.

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Currently 28 chapters completed: 1.77M Words; Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

{Previous snippet}

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I'm excited to finish writing Chapter 29 because at the end of Chapter 28, it was early in the morning and Buck and Eddie were lying in bed having a serious conversation about whether Eddie's going to delay the pursuit of his second paramedic certification, the ACP-C. Buck doesn't want him to give up his dream, especially now since they know what caused Buck's bradycardia and he's on medication. He's doing better and even though he's still grieving, he believes once he passes the last two stages of grief, Frank may clear him to return to work but he's still not sure if he wants to go back to being a firefighter. Also, Eddie's FMLA ends on January 31, 2024 but the question is will he extend it or return to the 118?

Additionally, Chris is still dealing with one of his classmate's lack of participation in their video game project and it's stressing him out. Furthermore, during their last group therapy session, Buck had a conversation with Captain Jeshan Mehta and he asked him if they could meet so he can get an objective viewpoint from someone about whether he could be a captain someday with the LAFD. He decided not to ask Bobby since he doesn't believe he'll give him an objective viewpoint because in September 2022, he told him he needed more life experience. Things are getting interesting as the Diaz family gets closer to their "New Beginnings".

__________

Here's another snippet from Chapter 29 of Buck and Chris inside of Super Target but something happens that causes Buck to come face to face with someone from his past and it causes him to enter protective dad mode so he can get Chris to safety.

___________

Buck and Chris are inside of Super Target shopping for a frame to put the adoption certificate in.

After looking at several options, Chris points to a black matte frame and asks, “What about this one?”

“I like it but it doesn’t look like it’s big enough.  Let’s check the dimensions.”  He replies then he lifts it off the hook, reads the sticker and proceeds to put it back but he pauses when Chris starts talking.

“There are some more frames over here.”  He says as he starts walking down the aisle.

Chris is 13-years-old but they still don’t let him wander inside of a store without one or both of them beside him.  Mainly because they don’t want to catch a damn criminal case for whooping someone’s ass if they’re being an idiot or worse a predator.

He’s lifting the frame as he says, “Hold on Chris, wait for me.  I’m on my wa…”  but he trails off when he hears someone start talking to him.

“You’re Eddie Diaz’s kid, aren’t you?”

At the sound of that voice, Buck freezes for a millisecond as his body fills with fear and he becomes paralyzed.  Everything starts happening in slow motion but he doesn’t have to look up to know who’s speaking because he recognizes their voice.

In conjunction with the fear he’s feeling, blind rage emanates throughout his body but he’s not sure how he can feel both emotions at the same time.  When he turns his head to the right to look at Chris, he almost gives himself whiplash.

When his fingers release the frame, it falls, bounces off the shelf and hits the floor.

His fatherly animal instincts kick in and he moves without thinking about anything else except for their son.  In this moment, his primary concern is to protect him because the fool that’s talking to him must have a death wish.  He’s glad he has long legs because he makes it to him in less than one second.

Chris asks, “Who are you?”

“I know your dad and Buck.  Isn’t that right Buckley?”

He’s trying to control his emotions and not make a scene as he protectively stands in front of Chris and positions himself so his 6.2’ inch frame creates a barrier between them.  While maintaining eye contact with them, he speaks in a low voice to his son.

“Chris, go find a Target employee, they’ll be wearing a red shirt, khakis pants… and uh, they’ll have a name tag on their shirt.  When you find them, stay with them, tell them I’m on aisle 34L, I’m an LAFD firefighter and I need immediate assistance.  Ask them to contact security and tell them to call the police”.

“But Buck, I…”  Chris replies as he moves to the side but Buck’s quicker and he continues to stand in front of him blocking his line of sight.

“Now Chris!  Please!  I need you to go, ok?!”  He says a little louder than he intends to.

“Ok.”

As he squares his shoulders with the person standing in front of him, he hears Chris turn around and he listens until he doesn’t hear his crutches anymore.

Like a volcano, the words that have been sitting on his tongue for months, erupt like hot lava.  “What the hell is wrong with you?”  He asks in a low voice because he doesn’t want to create a scene.

While smirking, the person standing in front of him moves closer and challenges him like they want some of this Diaz fire.

Since they didn’t verbally respond, he says, “Hear me and hear me clearly, as long as I’m alive, you better not ever speak to him again!”

“Certainly, you know that I can arrange it so you’re not alive anymore.”

He’s undeterred by that but he replies, “What the actual fuck were you doing talking to my son?”

“Your son?”

“That’s right!  He’s mine and Eddie’s son.”

“Oh… you must have forgotten to send me an invitation to your wedding.  But anyway… I was in the neighborhood; I saw you and him come in and I thought I’d say hi because I never got the chance to meet him.”

It’s in this moment, he realizes they’ve been stalking him and Chris and he knows he needs to put a stop to it.  He says, “If you ever come near me, my husband or our son again, I’ll kill you!”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a fucking promise!”

Who is Buck talking to like that? 👀

Who's been stalking him and his family? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Will Buck's bradycardia resurface because of this encounter? 😉😜

___________

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

__________

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.

Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.

Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.

Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.

Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?

Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.

Chapter 22 - While Buck, Eddie and Chris spend the first 8 days of their European family adventure in Italy, their primary reason for going will be fulfilled as well as several others they hadn’t considered or anticipated.

Chapter 23 - As the Diaz Family continues their Italian family adventure, they’ll say, “Ciao” or hello and goodbye to a lot of things almost immediately after they become an official and legal family.

Chapter 24 - After Buck, Eddie and Chris arrive in London, England on December 24th; the Diazes immediately start preparing to spend their first family Christmas together. During their stay, each of them will hear a few choice words that will be the life raft to get them home to complete their searches to be seen and to be found.

Chapter 25 - After spending more than two weeks in Europe, Eddie, Buck and Chris are back in Los Angeles and they’re getting ready to attend Maddie and Chimney’s New Year’s Eve party. During the event, they have plans to make two surprise announcements but the question is, who’s really going to be surprised, the Diaz family or their found family at the 118?

Chapter 26 - Buck and Eddie are once again faced with their greatest fear of losing each other but this time it could be permanent and if it is, then they won’t be able to spend the rest of their lives together.

Chapter 27 - After Buck resumes therapy, he’ll continue to face the fact that he “DIED” in March 2023 and during those sessions, he’ll learn about the 7 stages of grief. As he continues his healing journey, Eddie will be right by his side just like he promised and the Diaz family will start to deal with their three minutes and seventeen seconds loss as a family.

Chapter 28 - Two years ago, Eddie was asked, “What are you afraid of?”; twice, once by Frank and once by Buck but he only answered one of them without deflecting. Since that time, he’s been to therapy and him and Buck got married but the question resurfaces when Frank asks Buck the same question and Buck asks it of Eddie for the second time. However, when Buck asks, his reasoning will be about something else entirely.

Chapter 29 - Will be posted soon.

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Read chapters 1-28 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

[lemotmo]

Where does Eddie's storyline go from here?

I am just sooo incredibly curious where they are going with Eddie at this point. You know? He's at rock bottom right now.

Those stills where Eddie is sitting on the bed with Chris. Are those from next week's episode? If they are, I can really see Eddie talking to Chris, sending him away for a bit to his parents in Texas, just over Summer, just to get better.

He will have to be all on his own this time, no Marisol, no Kim, no Chris… just him reflecting on his poor choices. Choices he has been making for years now. Because let's be honest, getting married to Shannon was one of the first 'wrong' choices he made. Sure, they were both forced into it, for many reasons, but still. So many wrong choices along the way.

Did Eddie ever stand still to reflect on his life and see where he ended up? He has two good things going on in life: his son and the 118 family. That's it. If he loses his son for a while, because he's off to Texas to spend time with the grandparents, and he loses the 118 fam for a while because everyone gets sent away? (This is just speculation by the way, we don't know for sure if the 118 will fall apart yet)

What is left for him then? He only has himself at that point. He will need to learn to feel good about things again. He will need to learn that it is okay to feel angry and guilty, but that these are emotions he can get past if he works for it. He will need to learn to love himself and see himself as a full man, not a broken one who can't be fixed. He will need to learn that stepping into a relationship with someone doesn't immediately spell 'DOOM' and 'I need to get out of here'. He needs to learn how to be alone, before he can start looking for love again.

He does want love, but he's so afraid of it and what it can do to him. As soon as he realises that love can be good and make him feel wholesome and happy, he might see beyond the box he put himself in. He might be able to see who has been there for him since day one. He might be able to really 'see' Buck for the first time. He might not say anything or tell Buck (because Tommy might still be around), but it will be enough for him to revel in the feeling, enjoying the way Buck makes his heart beat faster. To finally feel something 'positive' again when it comes to love.

And Chris will come back home and he'll finally have pushed that 'refresh' button he has wanted to push for so very long now. A new Eddie will be born. One who sees possibilities and opportunies when before he only saw borders and lines he himself created to keep himself in check.

Yep, I have an Eddie and Buddie vision. Don't know if it will pan out to be true. For all I know that vision will be destroyed by the finale, but that's how I see Eddie's future right now, in this moment.

[laylawatermelon]

Please please read this and give it some love but I had an inkling of this feeling but never mentioned it cause I thought it was absurd.

Basically its a tweet of a reddit post (inception ik) basically of how Tim is basically rewriting the characters back to the way they were.

More below 👇🏾

Everyone's been mentioning how the characters have been more in character and the actors are happy and that makes sense.

He's been making them more in character than they ever were.

And with the Buddie situation (yes not everything is about them but i am a buddie fan who happened to find and grow to love this show because of it) it makes the most sense.

Now that Oliver mentioned the love story and everyone assumed it was the shooting and being in live it made the most sense.

Who else was he going to be falling in love woth at the time? It surely wasn't Taylor. Their romantic relationship was always doomed to fail and it was a great friendship they had (ehhh sideye for Bobby situation and Jonah eventually) that lasted if they weren't too persnally involved in each others lives.

She'd have been a perfect friend for him to gossip about the drama at the 118 (not work cause you know she'd make a story). That relationship wasn't going to work. He's too honest and she's too opportunisic.

If it hadn't been Jonah it'd be something else and he'd feel the same sense of betrayal (also Buck kissing Lucy was betrayal but that also felt a lil like assult cause she got him reallllly drunk and if the roles were reversed people wouldn't be that enthusiastic about it).

The only other love story that's been written logically as a will they won't they tragic and emotionally complex story is Buck and Eddie's.

Season 2 he replaced his love intrest! Like come on!

But in all seriousness, the Ana breakup and ll the vague dollow your heart is basically being rehashed.

I remember someone mentioning that Marisol is just another Ana (whoever you are if you see this send me hit I'll put it in here) and that's actually true.

Yay Marisol no last name haters your time has arrived cause it's official she's done!

There's no worry because we're getting a conclusion on the fact that was supposed to happen years ago.

She's not a permanent structure.

This storyline can go two ways.

One Buddie confirmed season 8.

Or two, Eddie realizes what his family could look like and its a single parent home with a support system from work (and Buck but we're gonna just gloss over that for now).

Meta linked above I just talked about Eddie and its coming to fruition (hire me abc im getting better at screenwriting!).

For the first one it's juicy storytelling.

For the other it makes sense as development for Eddie becoming comfortable with himself apart from his identity as a husband/widower, son, Catholic, and father.

He'll learn to bebhimself which he hadn't had the opportunity to do as he had fell into adulthood with his kid and then added on having a child with a disability that needs a lot of monetary support he ended up losing the chance to figure out who he is without all of that.

Even if it's not romantic (😔) it's great for him to realize he doesn't really need to be with anyone or fulfill a role he's not ready or willing to fill due to duty.

He can just be a father and work it iut that way.

Chris only wants his dad happy and I sense he knows his dad isn't happy at times or even worse he's not happy but is pretending so that his dad can be happy as he feels he has to give him that space/approval.

Chris is getting a storyline and he's always been observant so he'll most likely either explode in his feelings and tell his dad or tell him in a misunderstanding (he is getting to be a moody teen after all it's not going to be an adult reaction).

He's been close to death, heard his dad lose it and loat his mom. He's more mature than people give him credit for but the story hadn't included him much recently so we'll just have to see.

[try-set-me-on-fire]

omg so I can't read your bobby dies fic because I am incredibly emotionally unstable, but kudos on breaking everyone I have heard Horrible/pos things congrats. I wanted to ask about your outline system that you posted about the fic? It looked SO cool what's your process with that?

Have a good day, you are incredibly talented at words and images, thanks for creating!

Thank you hehehe!! I’m glad people are liking it, sorry for all the anguish everyone!

So for awhile my only outline for proposal fic looked like this:

But that’s all just really general ideas of a scene and gives me more work to do while I’m writing because I still have to think a lot of things through. For the Bobby fic the outline was a lot more thorough, with each scene plotted out beat by beat as much as I thought would be be helpful. So something like this (sorry its going to be a little sad):

Turned into something like this:

Buck goes back to work the following Tuesday. He'd only been superficially wounded, the scrapes on his face already fading, and he'd used his three (3) working days with pay, up to a maximum of five (5) days subject to the approval of the Department Head of bereavement leave. He comes over for dinner Sunday night and when Eddie asks if he's sure Buck gives him a look like he's had to answer that question from every single person they know, but then he softens out a little, gets a little honest.

"If I don't go back now I don't think I'll ever be able to," he says quietly into his beer.

So Buck goes back, and Eddie is told by the doctor that his ribs aren't healing as well as they should - there are some pointed comments about the importance of rest - and when he leaves the office he's staring at 6 full weeks of mandatory time off, and Buck is at work, and Eddie is at home, and Bobby is dead.

Mehta has been shuffled over from the 133 while they're in between captains. Eddie's glad it's someone they know, a good man who's easy to work with, who always has good control of a scene. Eddie sits at home and tries to tell himself it's fine. He's not there with Buck and he can't do anything if something goes wrong, he's not there and he can't have his back, but Mehta is a good captain, Ravi is still there, the rest of the station is still there. It's not like him being there made a difference last time, anyway. Eddie sits at home and is helpless, and Buck goes back to work.

It's fine. Buck says it's fine as he makes dinner in Eddie's house again after the first of two shifts he'll work alone before Hen returns. Chris is doing homework at the table, so Eddie doesn't really expect him to go into any gritty uncomfortable detail, but he seems like he’s telling the truth as he says it's weird, but fine. There was a small house fire, a few minor car accidents, a gas leak. All routine.

“I feel like Maddie or whoever might've been rerouting harder calls,” he says, stirring chili. “Heard there was a thing with hikers that got messy. Out of our range I guess, but we’ve been up in the hills before.”

“I’m sure somebody else was just closer.” Eddie is sitting at the table

“I guess.” His hand looks tense as he adds whatever spice is next in the recipe floating around his head.

Later, after dinner and after Chris has gone to bed when Buck is even softer and even more honest and a Dodgers game is quiet on the tv, he whispers like he’s at confession.

“I think it's better that no one is there. It doesn’t feel like real life.” He’s looking at the screen so Eddie is watching him in side profile, and he can’t tell if the shine in his eyes is just the reflected light. “Maybe I’m just still dreaming.”

The dream, where Bobby was dead and Eddie was gone and Buck was loved by his family but he was not here, not loved by the people here who are his family. “You’re n-“

“I know I’m not.” He looks at Eddie, away from the light and his eyes are still shining. “I know.”

“I’m sorry.”

Buck shrugs and settles into the couch, eyes on the score, locking that softness back away again. He doesn’t stay the night.

So now I’m going through and making a more thorough outline for proposal fic, which will hopefully help make writing it much easier! I have so many scraps of scenes that I need to connect and string together, actually planning out how to do that instead of just staring sadly at the google doc feels productive, at least!

Also for Bobby fic i made a version of the outline with just the scene titles and bullet points as a checklist, so I’ll do that again this time too because i love to check things off a list!

[spinteresting]

Lover of Mine (Take All of Me)

I'll be posting 2 chapters per week of the third part of the Inside These Moments series.

Eddie's done a lot of things in his life just because he thought he had to. Now he's learning to live his life for himself instead, but he'll have to face some challenges along the way.

Eddie and Buck continue going to therapy, working through their trauma, and learning to be more vulnerable with each other.

Chapter 1

Tick. “You can’t do that.” Tick. “You know you have to marry her.” Tick. Tick. Tick. “Don’t drag him down with you, Eddie.”

“I still haven’t told my parents about me and Buck. Hell, I never even told them that me and Chris moved in with Buck,” Eddie says as he rubs his eyes.

“How do you feel about that?” Dr. Greene asks.

“I just–I feel sick every time I think about telling them. So I just avoid thinking about it. They’re gonna be so fucking mad about everything.”

“Maybe they will be. Would you feel better if you had a plan for how to handle it? What you want to say to them?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? I just don’t even know how to start the conversation.”

“Would you like to try something out right now?” Dr. Greene asks.

“No, that just feels awkward. Why don’t I just commit to practicing by writing some options? Would that work?”

“Yes. That sounds like a good plan. Now, I think it’s probably worth exploring the reasons behind why you’re so anxious about telling your parents. Do you have a close relationship with them? Do you depend on them financially?”

“No, we don't depend on them at all. We’re in LA because I had to get away from them and their overbearing nature. I wouldn’t even say I’m very close to them. We’re polite to each other. I do talk to them regularly, but it stays very surface level and they spend most of their time on calls talking to Chris.”

“But you value what they think of you?”

“The thing is, in my head, I actually don’t care that much. Like would it be great to have supportive parents? Yeah. But I’ve never really had that. They’ve just always been judgemental and controlling. So why am I so worried about messing up a relationship with them that doesn’t really even exist?”

“You feel like they’ve been judgemental and controlling your whole life?”

“Yes. Telling me how I should dress, how I should cut my hair, how I should think. I mean, they sent me to an all boys Catholic school. It was like I wasn’t even allowed to have feelings as a kid. Or hell, even when I got back from Afghanistan, I was just supposed to be the perfect dad and husband. Supposed to have everything figured out.”

Dr. Greene hums as she takes notes. “What you’re describing sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic, but one where they taught you to always seek their approval. So it makes sense that you would feel anxious revealing anything about yourself or decisions you’ve made that you think they will disapprove of. What did they think when you moved to LA to become a firefighter?”

“They hated it. Told me I should give Christopher to them so that I didn’t drag him down with me.”

Dr. Greene’s eyebrows shoot up. “But you didn’t let their opinion stop you. Why did you choose to come to LA?”

“I needed a good job, thought I would make a good firefighter, and I am. I thought it would be good for Chris and for the two of us as a family. And it has been for the most part. I’m happier here than I ever was in El Paso or while I was in the army. I have family here who do support me, both my Abuela and Tia, plus the 118. And Chris’s mom, Shannon, was here.”

“So even though it wasn’t what your parents wanted, and they reacted badly at first, you did it anyway. Do you feel obligated to tell your parents about your relationship with Buck?” Dr. Greene asks.

“They call often enough to talk to Chris and have been asking about coming here for a visit. They are still part of my life. It’s not like I can hide it or that I would want to hide it. I love Buck. I’m pretty sure this is a forever thing, so I need to tell them.”

“So let’s say you tell them next time you talk to them on the phone. What happens next?”

“Um…” Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose. “They might yell at me or be very condescending. They might bring up religious bullshit reasons why it’s wrong. They might just hang up.”

“Ok, so what would you do if they said those things to you?”

“Try to explain it to them? Tell them that there’s nothing wrong with me loving him. Tell them about what an incredible person he is and how good he is with Chris.”

“You don’t owe them an explanation,” Dr. Greene says.

“I know. I just always feel like I need to justify myself with them. None of it would even matter or change their minds, though. They would just come back with more reasons why I’m wrong. It’s what they always do.”

“So, what would be your next step with them?”

“I guess I would just leave it in their court and hope that they come around. Or I would have even less of a relationship with them than I do now.”

“I think that would be a good plan. You cannot change their minds, nor should you spend your energy trying to. They will either love you for who you are or they won’t. I want you to consider how your relationship with your parents has influenced other parts of your life and decisions you’ve made. How do you think it’s shaped you?”

Read More on Ao3

[tabloidtoc]

OK, March 29

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Panic at the Palace -- Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles, Prince William, Duchess Kate Middleton

Page 1: Big Pic -- Kevin Bacon and Juliette Lewis were among the many artists who put on a performance for Linda Perry's Rock 'N' Relief Live Stream Concert Series, benefitting Sean Penn's CORE Response organization

Page 2: Contents

Page 3: Contents

Page 4: Sparks are flying between Sandra Bullock and Brad Pitt on the set of their new action movie Bullet Train and not just when the cameras are rolling -- their chemistry is through the roof and Sandra lights up whenever she's around Brad and some of the cast and crew could swear they've seen him blushing in her presence -- Brad and Sandra have been hanging out more than your typical costars and they have a lot in common and seem to really enjoy each other's company and they'll frequently spend their breaks socializing and they can often be heard laughing over each other's stories and topics of conversations range from mutual friends and house repairs to more personal stuff, like kids

Page 6: Bruce Willis turned 66 on March 19 and as he celebrates the occasion, he has been reflecting on his life and it's been quite the journey but Bruce looks back at it all with that classic smirk

Page 7: Producers of the Gossip Girl reboot have been begging Blake Lively to join the cast of the new show but she's turned up her nose at the idea -- she's not ungrateful, because the original show made her star, but she closed the book on that part of her life a long time ago -- she's blissfully content in her role as a mom to daughters James, Inez and Betty whom she shares with her husband Ryan Reynolds and being a stay-at-home parent and filming an occasional movie sounds way more appealing to her than returning to that hothouse Gossip Girl universe -- she says she had her show and wants the new team to have theirs, but to die-hard fans, it still feels like a major snub

* After calling it quits on her romance with Ben Affleck in January, Ana de Armas is ready to play the field and Hollywood's heartthrob du jour, Rege-Jean Page has caught her eye and she was over the moon when the Bridgerton hunk recently signed on to her new thriller The Gray, which also stars Ryan Gosling and Chris Evans -- of course, Rege is gorgeous, but Ana also likes that he isn't your typical Tinseltown success story and comes from a rich cultural background, just like she does and she's hoping to get to know him better once they start shooting in L.A. -- while Ana has been warned that won't sit well with Rege's live-in girlfriend, Emily Brown, that doesn't seem to bother Ana

* Janet Jackson's life story is set to get the full documentary treatment next year, and no stone will be left unturned when it comes to her famously dysfunctional family -- the family is freaking out, as well they should be -- Janet will be brutally honest about her late father Joe Jackson, who bullied her and made her feel like she was nothing with out him but her siblings say they had it much worse especially when it came to Michael Jackson, who suffered verbal and physical abuse from Joe throughout his childhood -- Janet, who became a mom at 50 with her businessman ex, Wissam Al Mana, is also ready to tell all about their divorce and custody battle -- doing this documentary has been incredibly cathartic for her and she can't wait to shed light on her family's deep, dark secrets

Page 8: Angelina Jolie has been legally single for two years, and now she's finally ready to mingle -- she's been laying low since her 2016 split from Brad Pitt and she's feels it's time to get out there and she's eager to meet some new and interesting men and the mom of six is open to being hooked up by Hollywood pals like Ellen Pompeo, whom she was seen dining with in Beverly Hills and Angie likes the idea of dating a fellow A-lister who can relate to her about living in the spotlight and Ellen's been helping out with suggestions -- Angie is even open to joining an elite dating service and now the hunt is on to find a suitable bunch of candidates -- she wants fun and adventure again and after months of just being Mom, dressing up, putting on some perfume and engaging in stimulating conversation sounds good to Angie

* It's only been six months since Drew Barrymore launched her chirpy daytime talk show, but behind the scenes, she's on the verge of a major meltdown -- the multitasking mom who shares daughters Olive and Frankie with ex-hubby Will Kopelman, has no idea that juggling work and family would be this hard and she's feeling pressure from every side -- she desperately wants to be there for the kids, but she's trying to make her show a hit, and with her production company, she has a million others things on her plate as well -- the stressed-out star has also been chowing down on junk food and drinking too much caffeine so she can't get more than a few hours of sleep a night -- Drew doesn't want to let anyone down, but if she doesn't dial it back, she's going to collapse from exhaustion

* Matthew Perry announced his engagement to his on-off girlfriend Molly Hurwitz in November, but he seems to be having second thoughts -- he's crazy in love, but he's scared of messing up a good thing by making things official and he also worries what kind of husband he'll make given his health woes and battles with addiction -- Molly has faith in Matthew, but she can see wedding planning is stressing him out, even more so now that the Friends reunion is set to start shooting and he's pushing himself to go through with it, but his doubts are gnawing away at him

Page 10: Red Hot on the Red Carpet -- stars show some skin in dramatic decolletage-baring frocks -- Nicole Richie, Aja Naomi King

Page 11: Kate Hudson, Becky G, Mindy Kaling

Page 12: Who Wore It Better? Kat Graham vs. Nicole Kidman in Erdem, Oliva Wilde vs. Bella Hadid in Ralph Lauren

Page 13: Danielle Bradbery vs. Paula Abdul in Hamel

Page 14: News in Photos -- Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox stepped out for dinner in West Hollywood

Page 16: Ariel Winter brightened up her monochromatic look with a pink face mask during a trip to the hair salon in West Hollywood, Justin Theroux went for a walk with his beloved dog Kuma in NYC, Arnold Schwarzenegger was spotted on his daily bike ride in L.A.

Page 17: Susan Sarandon stopped to get her caffeine fix while shopping solo in Soho

Page 18: Lea Michele proved to be quite the doting mother while walking with her son in a stroller in Brooklyn, Lucy Hale and her dog Elvis were inseparable during an outing in L.A., Krysten Ritter took her RadRover electric bicycle out for a spin in L.A.

Page 19: John Stamos and his wife Caitlin McHugh stopped by an antique shop where they purchased a bunch of old goodies in Santa Monica

Page 20: This year, instead of a traditional runway show, Moschino released a 12-minute film featuring Karen Elson, Shalom Harlow and Amber Vallera wearing new styles from the Fall/Winter 2021 line

Page 21: Alessandra Ambrosio caught up with a pal while walking dogs in L.A., David Harbour eating a treat while out and about in NYC, Daisy Ridley stopped by The Graham Norton Show in London

Page 22: Amelia Gray Hamlin and boyfriend Scott Disick caught some rays while vacationing in Miami, Katie Holmes and boyfriend Emilio Vitolo Jr. color-coordinated their gray-and-black outfits for a lunch date in NYC, Rebel Wilson taking a walk around the neighborhood in L.A.

Page 24: While on the set of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Rachel Brosnahan shielded herself with a see-through umbrella, a newly brunette Lady Gaga in a white suit as she left her hotel in Rome to film the upcoming Gucci biopic, The Masked Singer panelist Jenny McCarthy gave herself a last-minute touch-up before posing for some promo shots

Page 26: Inside My Home -- Chelsea Handler's sleek setup -- she is checking out of her longtime L.A. home

Page 28: In 2009, LeAnn Rimes made headlines when she was caught hooking up with her costar Eddie Cibrian while they were both married to other people and now, more than a decade later, she is opening up about that time in her life and spilling secrets that she's never shared before -- looking back, LeAnn thinks it's unfair that she got raked over the coals like that and the public shaming caused her to suffer panic attacks and all LeAnn did was fall in love -- of course, there are likely big regrets about the way everything happened, but she and Eddie never meant to hurt anyone and they just had this connection they couldn't walk away from and a few months after their romance was revealed LeAnn parted ways with then-husband Dean Sheremet and Eddie filed for divorce from Brandi Glanville and they wed in 2011 -- while LeAnn has been a great stepmom to Eddie's sons Mason and Jack, she'd love to have a child of her own someday and she and Eddie have tried and tried with no success and now that she's pushing 40, they know time is ticking and they could always go the surrogate route, and they just might do it if it doesn't happen naturally in the next few months

Page 29: Liam Hemsworth has been dating Gabriella Brooks for 15 months, and he's so smitten that he could put a ring on it any day now -- Liam's made it clear that he's ready to walk down the aisle again after calling it quits in longtime love Miley Cyrus in 2019 -- everyone is thrilled because Gabriella is so sweet and easygoing, which is just what Liam needs -- Gabriella has already gotten the stamp of approval from the Hemsworth clan, who had long been skeptical of Miley and when Liam brought Gabriella home, his parents thought, that's more like it -- now that Liam's settled in at his new $5 million spread on Byron Bay, all signs point to him popping the question because he's never been happier

* Shedding post-pregnancy weight is never easy but luckily Katy Perry has a secret weapon to help her get back in shape which is Orlando Bloom -- Katy had already dropped 35 pounds since giving birth to the couple's first child, Daisy Dove, thanks to her fitness-obsessed fiance and Orlando has her eating five small vegan meals a day and he follows the same diet to make it easier for her, and Orlando makes sure she hikes or swims at least five days a week and those are the type for fun activities where he can join her -- Orlando's also her biggest cheerleader: during their recent Hawaiian getaway, Katy was nervous because she felt she hadn't lost enough weight but Orlando told her she was one sexy momma and he really is her biggest supporter

* Despite the pandemic, Nicole Kidman's remained one of the busiest women in Hollywood, which is getting under her stuck-at-home husband's skin -- while Keith Urban was forced to cancel his concert tour last year, Nicole had a whirlwind 2020, shooting her miniseries Nine Perfect Strangers in Australia and her historical thriller The Northman in Northern Ireland back-to-back and it's been incredibly hard on Keith because it drives him crazy not being able to get out there on stage -- Nicole hates seeing him the dumps, but she's told him he's lucky to be able to spend so much time with their daughters Sunday and Faith -- with Nicole set to play comedy legend Lucille Ball in Being the Ricardos, which starts filming this spring, that can only put more stress on the marriage but Nicole has no plans to slow down, and she's not making any apologies

Page 30: Patrick Duffy and Linda Purl went from zero to 60 practically overnight, but their turbo-charged romance appears to be slowing down -- ever since Patrick and Linda reconnected last summer, the late-in-life lovebirds have been joined at the hip at Linda's Colorado home, where things have gotten too close for comfort because Patrick's a laid-back guy, but he hasn't had a moment to himself because Linda is always pushing him to get outdoors and do stuff with her and Patrick feels the need for more space and some along time -- spending every moment together and hanging on each other's every word was fun for a while, but they don't want to lose their independence and they realize they need to bring their relationship back down to earth if they actually want to go the distance

* After nearly five blissful years together, Britney Spears and Sam Asghari are still going strong, and it looks like a baby could be in their near future -- Sam recently sent tongues wagging when he revealed that he wants to take their relationship to the next step and be a young dad and Britney is totally on board because she has always wanted another child and now with Sam raring to go, she figures it's the perfect time -- growing her family would be a welcome distraction from Britney's bitter battle with her father Jamie Spears over her controversial conservatorship

* Love Bites -- Jenni "JWoww" Farley and Zack Carpinello engaged, Morena Baccarin and husband Ben McKenzie welcomed a son named Arthur, Nicolas Cage and Riko Shibata married

Page 32: Cover Story -- Palace in Crisis -- the Royal Family is in disarray following Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's bombshell tell-all -- what really offended them was how much Harry and Meghan said they love Queen Elizabeth in one sentence and attacked the institution, everything she stands for and works for, in the next -- it's going to take a miracle for Harry to reconcile with his family after what he and Meghan revealed

Page 36: Celebrity Hall Passes -- stars reveal the Hollywood crushes their partners have granted as freebies -- Eric Decker gets Jessica Alba and his wife Jessie James Decker gets Post Malone

Page 37: Lisa Vanderpump gets George Clooney, Seth Rogen gets Charlize Theron while his wife Lauren Miller gets Brad Pitt, Mark Consuelos and Kelly Ripa both get Cynthia Bailey

Page 38: Taron Egerton gets Rachel Weisz while his girlfriend Emily Thomas gets Daniel Craig, Kyle Richards wouldn't let her husband Mauricio Umansky near Eva Longoria or Demi Moore but he gets a hall pass for Betty White, Beau Clark gets Bethenny Frankel while wife Stassi Schroeder gets Joaquin Phoenix

Page 40: Interview -- Queen Latifah -- the entertainment icon is having a blast kicking butt in her new TV crime drama The Equalizer

Page 42: The Great Outdoors -- these stars know fresh air and fitness make a killer combo

Page 46: Style Week -- Hailey Bieber has been named global ambassador for Superga's Spring/Summer 2021 season

Page 48: What's Hot Right Now -- lifestyle brand Sporty & Rich just launched chic athleisure pieces to help you look effortlessly cool this season -- Amber Valletta

Page 49: Stylish Shades -- shop Ashley Graham's flattering frames the model's new collection with Quay

Page 50: Chic House Dresses -- trade knits for airy frocks that will make you feel beautiful all through spring -- Whitney Port

Page 52: Girls' Getaway -- planning a safe spring break with a few BFFs? Pack these stylish essentials to easily look fab on the fly -- Rita Ora

Page 54: Entertainment

Page 55: Q&A with Wayne Brady

Page 58: Buzz -- Lady Gaga sent the internet into a frenzy after sharing a behind-the-scenes photo of herself with Adam Driver from the set of their Ridley Scott movie, House of Gucci

Page 60: Sound Bites -- Cardi B on staying away from celebs, Mary Steenburgen on husband Ted Danson, Kate Hudson on her iconic yellow dress from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Page 61: Paul Bettany on his stunt with Tom Hanks in The Da Vinci Code, Jada Pinkett Smith on not focusing on exterior beauty at age 49, Nikki Bella on being intimate with fiance Artem Chigvintsev, Charlize Theron on homeschooling, Julia Garner on her roles of choice

Page 62: Horoscope -- Aries Jessica Chastain turned 44 on March 24

Page 64: By the Numbers -- Paris Hilton

[the-ghost-of-jason-todd]

I SAW THIS LAST NIGHT BUT I WAS UP VERY LATE SO I COULDN'T REPLY BUT!!!! SOME GOOD TAGS:

me and @seacoloredeyes were talking about it and what's interesting about all of this is that.... after going back and watching the therapy episode, it's clear that while yes, eddie did clearly figure out his anger issues and stop street fighting (and we assume that happened because of the therapy, though we didn't actually get to see all his sessions), he was STILL very much in that therapy mostly because he wanted to be a better role model for chris. he wasn't doing it for himself, he wasn't actually trying to heal and get better--he just wanted his son to turn out happier and healthier than he did. and it all ties into #2 above--eddie doesn't know how to apply things to himself. plus with maybe the addition of a #3, which is....

3) eddie refuses to see the whole picture.

it's not JUST that he has compassion for other people who are struggling but doesn't give that compassion to himself. it's also that he rationalizes his own problems away to make them smaller and easier to ignore, easier to brush off, easier to push past. when one symptom of his trauma starts to become too much to handle, he deals with that one symptom (like, for instance, the anger)--but ONLY WHEN IT BECOMES TOO BIG TO IGNORE. eddie is good at compartmentalizing, he's good at only seeing what he WANTS to see.

also there's something interesting to note here, which is that...... he wasn't necessarily wrong when he said 'I don't panic'? we have seen this guy stay calm after explosions, in crashed helicopters, during natural disasters, on calls with firearms, in an ambulance with his dying wife........ god, even being buried forty feet underground. yeah, he kind of panicked a little in the well, but it wasn't debilitating and he pulled himself together, saved himself. all that stuff, all those calls, all those events, like... you name it, anything you might think would be a panic trigger for this guy, they've encountered it and it hasn't done anything. he's always pulled through.

until now.

something has changed. it's hard to pinpoint what exactly it is, but something must have. he's finally reached some critical mass of trauma where he can't keep going on like he has been.

additionally.......... have you guys noticed that every time eddie tries to handle his shit the way someone else tells him to, it doesn't really work? like, for instance, when lena told eddie to try street fighting. he tried it and it got WAY out of hand. his parents told him to push through it, and he's now having panic attacks. carla said that christopher needed his mom, and when eddie tried to make things right with shannon she asked for a divorce and then died. bobby implied that he should go out with ana and, again, panic attacks. there's a pattern, here.

i think, in the end, it really does depend on eddie diaz realizing that he needs to do something for himself, to work on healing and finding his own path. though honestly... i still don't think he'll be able to do that on his own. there's a huge theme in the show about human connection, and i really believe his relationship with buck, friend or not, is the key to him opening up and actually becoming receptive to taking care of himself and loving who he is rather than cutting off more and more pieces of himself to fit some mold he was never meant to fit.

there's something interesting about all the posts i see telling eddie to 'go to therapy' because he............................................. did. like he really, really did. and it didn't work.

i've been consumed by contemplating this and i think there's two reasons why it didn't work for him.

1) he doesn't trust easily. and...

2) he doesn't know how to apply the stuff he's learned to himself.

eddie has been hurt. kind of a lot. every time he starts to trust someone he's been hurt again, with one or two exceptions. now, the thing with therapy is that you have to be receptive to it--it usually doesn't work when someone else is forcing you to do it or you're holding back. so the fact that he has a hard time trusting people with the soft and vulnerable bits of himself is definitely going to make it difficult to talk to a complete stranger about everything that's going on. also not to bring up helena and ramon but his relationship with his parents must feed into this a LOT. the two people who are supposed to love and care for him THE MOST, the two people who he should be able to trust more than anyone in the world, have forced him to be self-sufficient to a fault because they couldn't let go of his past mistakes and did nothing but doubt him when he came back from afghanistan. like... no wonder the boy has trust issues.

additionally, helena and ramon (i'm guessing mostly ramon) have made it VERY clear how eddie is supposed to act. it is INGRAINED in the boy to push through things. the one time we ever saw eddie ask for time or space to deal with something was in the eddie begins flashbacks with shannon, when he asks for time to deal with coming home from an active warzone, and he's rewarded for that moment of weakness by shannon picking up and leaving. it was a messy situation and everyone was struggling but it always makes me think about buck and chris on the firetruck during the tsunami. you guys remember that? when chris says he complained once and it didn't work so he didn't complain again? yeah. eddie admitted he couldn't handle something one time and the world said 'you have to, sorry not sorry' and he took that to heart. and the thing is, like....... he was angry at shannon for leaving, but he never blamed her. he always blamed himself. there are SO MANY instances where he is kind and compassionate and forgiving toward someone who is struggling, but every time he finds HIMSELF in a situation like that he brushes it off, gets angry at himself, blames himself, etc etc etc. so it's not that he doesn't know how to cope with these things--clearly he knows the words and the advice you're supposed to follow. he just.... can't apply it to himself. like look at this gifset and tell me it's not a pattern.

(interestingly................................... there is one glaring exception to the above paragraph. the ONE TIME i can think of that eddie tells someone else to suck it up the way he tells himself to suck it up is the fight with buck in the supermarket during the lawsuit. this is, notably, before his therapy with frank, but i don't think that's all it is. i think it's an intersection of the two issues above--buck is one of the only people eddie has EVER trusted, and also one of the only people who never made eddie feel like he had to take on the world by himself. until the lawsuit happened, and both of those things were pretty much thrown back into eddie's face. eddie didn't have the one person who always had his back; his trust was fucking SHATTERED. it was another reminder that he isn't allowed to be vulnerable, and he dealt with it by lashing out at buck.)

so what do i think the solution is here? if eddie isn't ready for therapy and it's not going to help him much? well... the answer is buck. eddie has been telling buck for years now to take care of himself, to be kind to himself, to give himself worth. he literally came out in the s4 finale and said that buck acts like he's expendable but he's NOT. if there is anyone who can convince eddie to do the same for himself, it HAS to be buck. and honestly, thematically and arc-wise.... it would be a really beautiful inversion of where their relationship started in s2, with eddie being super put together and buck being this kind of punk-ass kid still. it would show how they're still teaching each other things, still growing together and changing together and that they still have each others' backs.