#if anyone's wondering Holst is there bc it's in the soundtrack for this episode

[monotonous-minutia]

Sleepytime: Why a seven minute cartoon made me ugly cry

aka no one needs to hear this story but I'm going to tell it anyway

Bluey, the popular children's TV show that is equally beloved by adults, has been on my radar for about a year, but I only recently started watching it. The kids at work talk about it frequently and I wanted to be able to keep up with them as they finally discussed something age-appropriate. Also a few of my adult friends had mentioned it before and how much they enjoyed it. So I picked it up one day and it was just simple and fun and relaxing and sweet. However I didn't realize how emotional it would be. I found myself tearing up on more than one occasion, watching the little puppies overcome their fears and frustrations and discover the magic of the world around them. I wiped my eyes on my sleeves and went to bed.

Then I watched this one.

"Sleepytime" is the story of Bingo deciding she wants to have a "big girl sleep" where she doesn't wind up in her parents' bed in the morning. When she tells her mother this, her mother replies that she supports Bingo in this endeavor but will still be there to help her if she can't do it tonight.

Here's why this gets me.

When I was like 12 or 13 I started having these periods of time every few weeks that would last a few days where I couldn't get to sleep. I'd be awake pretty much all night. Nothing worked to get me to sleep--lullaby CDs, breathing exercises, wind down routines, mindfulness... Nothing. When I got older I started keeping books by my bed to read when I couldn't sleep, but the first year or so it was just a battle every night where my body would be exhausted and my mind was worn out after hours of trying to keep myself mentally occupied that I'd just lie in bed crying willing myself to sleep because I didn't have the energy to even think anymore. It made the days harder too because I'd be so tired and when it started getting dark in the evening I'd get anxious and sad because I knew the bedtime struggle was coming. (I think this may have been the root of my summer depression.)

It honestly felt like this.

Everyone else was asleep and peaceful and resting and I was alone in the dark with no one to ask for help.

You'd think my parents would have me checked out or something, but no, I was left to deal with it on my own.

At one point my mom did try sleeping in my bed with me. It was comforting to have her there but I still couldn't get to sleep, and my tossing and turning kept her up.

In "Sleepytime," both parents spend the night going back and forth from their room and the kids', attending to the children's various nighttime needs. We see the exhaustion in them, but they never behave in a way that lets the kids know they're annoyed.

When my mom couldn't sleep because I couldn't sleep, she dragged me out of bed and into the kitchen to point at the clock and snap at me, whisper-yelling that it was two in the morning and she'd been up with me for hours. She told me I was being ridiculous and just needed to fall asleep. (As if I hadn't been trying.) She brought me back to bed and left to go back to her room. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night. I never talked to her about my struggle again.

In "Sleepytime," Bingo's mother sees her upset and goes to her.

She stays with Bingo until Bingo is ready for her to go.

In Bingo's dream, her sadness is swept away when she feels the warmth of her mother coming to help her.

Even when her mom does leave, she makes sure Bingo knows she's always there to help her when Bingo struggling.

Bingo is able to stay in her own bed on her own until the sun comes up. The early morning rays are a comforting and optimistic sight.

For me the light coming in through the window marked the end of an exhausting journey and the beginning of a day that was just leading towards the same ordeal. It was a cycle I felt would never end.

It did after a week or so, but then every few weeks it would come back. My parents eventually contributed it to "my time of the moon" and left it at that. No one helped me through it and I kept my crying to myself.

There's a lot I can say about my childhood but I won't right now except to say I never really felt supported by my parents, and that they made sure I knew when I was being an inconvenience. This was kind of the start of that realization for me.

So when I watched this episode for the first time and saw the ways that Bingo's parents--especially her mother--not only helped and supported her but did so happily and without complaint really struck a chord with me.

I've heard other people describe how this episode made them cry because of the beauty in the image of a mother's love for her child. It's a little bit different for me. It brought back all those feelings and memories from that time in my childhood and this sense of loss for the unconditional love I felt I'd been denied. When I finished the episode for the first time, after I'd already been crying--tears actually falling down my face--I stopped the TV and sobbed into my hands. Full-on ugly crying which I normally never let myself do because I was never allowed to. But I was alone and it was the middle of a Friday night and this show has become so special to me and this episode was so much more personal than the others before it and the imagery and music were so evocative I just let it all out. I probably cried for a couple minutes and went through at least four tissues.

I still can't watch that episode or hear the music without at least tearing up. It's such an empowering story for a kid and such a lovely message for grownups and I felt both of these but it also brought back the memories of my childhood insomnia so vividly I couldn't handle it. I couldn't believe I was jealous of a cartoon dog and her fictional mother. But I wish I'd had hers for even a minute during that time. Someone who'd give me warmth and comfort until I was ready to let go instead of leaving me alone to figure it out myself when all I wanted was someone to tell me it was going to be okay.

[rockcandyshrike]

I got tagged by @shih-coulda-had-it to do a lil meme game! I don’t know if it’s supposed to be my top 10 most repeated songs of all time or my top 10 most repeated songs at the moment, so I’ll do the latter bc it’s funnier!

1. “The Riders’ Lament” by Ryan Ike ft. Michael Garrett Steele

This is from the Wizard With A Gun Soundtrack! The demo just released and I’m obsessed with it. I wanna be a wizard who’s a cowboy, baby!

2. “Ladyfingers” by Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass

I’ve been playing the album Whipped Cream and Other Delights on loop for weeks now, I adore smooth jazz. The whole album, but especially this song, has big “Scene in a RomCom where the Couple Dances in the Kitchen” energy.

3. “L'amore dice ciao” by Armando Trovajoli from the movie La matriarca

Similar big “Scene in a RomCom where the Couple Dances in the Kitchen” energy, tho I read the synopsis for the movie and it’s about a widow exploring kinky sex, so...

4. “ Besame Mucho” covered by Cesaria Evora

BIG SRCCDK Energy. This singer’s voice is brimming with such beautiful and palpable longing. If you listen to this song, you will end up languishing upon a crushed velvet chaise lounge yearning for the love of your life.

5. “Maniac” by Conan Gray

I just think he’s neat! My sister told me he dropped out of UCLA which is bonkers to me.

6. “House of Wolves” by My Chemical Romance

lmao none of us can escape our emo roots

7. “Blue” from the Heathers Musical

...i have no explanation nor excuse. it’s just a damnably catchy song goddamnit /hangs my head in shame

8. “Matchmaker” from Fiddler on the Roof

IT SLAPS. I MAKE NO APOLOGIES. I’ve also never actually watched this film

9. “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift

Look.....that chorus goes off harder than it has any right to. It’s a good song, unfortunately.

10. "The Planets op. 32" by Gustav Holst performed by the NDR Radiophilharmonie and conducted by Andrew Manze

One of the best classical suites AND performances of all time; “Jupiter, the Bringer of Jollity” is my favorite part and the most famous, you may have heard it before. I heard it for the first time watching the episode “Sleepytime” from Bluey which is, no fucking joke, an excellent cartoon w/ wonderful animation.

Tagging @egregiousderp @skinks @polarcell @spicedrobot @a-whale-bone @househarmonia @verditers and anyone else who want to do this!