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thegingeralien · 4 years ago

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Thought I might share my “doing homework with adhd” tips in case the might help even just one person (because that would make me feel happy).

Who am I to be giving you advice? Good point! I am still terrible at studying and I’m 26 and at University for the millionth time. But I have studied A LOT in my 22 years of schooling with varying degrees of success.

I see a lot of people, especially teenagers or first year university/college students, with ADHD asking for tips on how to study. But if you do a google search most of the websites and advice that comes up can be extremely ableist. So I hope I can help someone!

TIPS TO HELP YOU STUDY WHEN YOU HAVE AN ADHD GREMLIN BRAIN!:

1. Chewing gum!

- This might come across as a weird one, but it has actually really helped me. I use it as a form of stimming to help keep me focused and concentrating. Other forms of stimming can potentially end up being more of a distraction when you actually need to be reading or writing - but they can help if you just need to be listening. Try not to get a bubble gum or fun flavoured one though - as they can end up making your mouth feel dry, lose flavour quickly, and just give your brain way too many sensory things to become distracted with.

2. Buying colour coded stationary!

- New stationary can make me really excited to start studying, but that excitement never lasts long and the act of buying stationary can sometimes become it’s own hobby. That’s not what we are going for here. I really recommend, especially if you are a visual learner like me, to buy colour coded stationary. This means removable page markers, different coloured post it notes, highlighters, sometimes even pens. This way if your mind jumps from one topic to the other, it doesn’t matter. Go with the flow. Forcing your ADHD gremlin brain to focus can be extremely counter intuitive. So pick a colour for each topic, and stick to that system to find organisation among your own chaos!

3. Buy a really cheap, boring year diary with hardly any writing inside.

- Not sure if your school/university has their own diary but they can be perfect for what I am on about. Generally you can find them for really cheap, soft cover, no writing or designs within the dates. Just dates, days, weeks and lines where you can write your homework. This helped me a lot in High School. I wish I had kept doing it in University, but I am good with giving advice, and not so much with taking it. I used to decorate the outside of it however I wanted. Some years I would redecorate the same diary every semester. In the public holidays or holiday days I would colour those lines in with different highlighters to make it look like a rainbow. But every assignment due date, homework, draft, rewrite, form I had to bring back, library book due date, school activity days, ANYTHING to do with school I would write in there with reminds and check lists. Important due dates would be highlighted, general homework and daily to do lists t(o help me not leave my assignments to the last minute) would have a tick box beside them (because ticking tick boxes is free dopamine). Try to not put birthdays or fun things in it. This is a small way to stay on track so it helps you actually stay on track with the big things when you’re home.

4. Big whiteboards stuck on the wall where you can’t avoid it.

- This is not something I had in school, but I so wish I did. I have been using this recently to keep on top of house work (as maintaining your own house is tiring) and my small business or other things I really can’t avoid. If I physically write it down (not just in my phone) it psychologically does help you commit it to memory. Again, physically putting a line through a task you just completed is a hecking great rush of dopamine. But the biggest reason I love my white board, I can’t ignore it. It is stuck to the wall and is never out of sight, out of mind. I can’t put my phone or diary down and then refuse to look at it until I’m past the due date. Again, I’m not a perfect person, there are days where I don’t do anything I have written on the white board. But the great thing is, I don’t have to continuously feel like I failure, as I can wipe it all off the next morning or week and start fresh. I also put important things I have to remember that I’m doing during the week so I don’t forget them.

5. Icky Medication.

- I know not everyone wants to be on medication, and I understand. I am not forcing you to. No matter what your opinions are, you lovely gremlin who is still reading this post, regarding medication, you are valid and I respect you. My personal experience with medication has not been the best. I have been misdiagnosed for a severe chunk of my academic life which has seen me trying to focus and maintain school work under some even worse states then I am unmedicated! However, since receiving my diagnosis and finding the right ADHD medication for me, I have the ability to get so much work done without having to unnecessarily struggle. It’s unfortunately not magic, it will not turn me into a robot that makes me do work and turn out incredible, noble peace prize winning assignments (as much as I wish that were possible). I still have the ability to be a lump, doom scrolling through tumblr, forgetting to eat, and ignoring responsibilities. But it really helps me when I sit down and start that thing that isn’t fun. Yesterday it helped me hyperfocus on cleaning my office which was a terrifying room to be in. So it’s pretty close to magic in my opinion!

6. Accessing Disability Support at your place of learning.

- Not all of you taking the time to read this will have either a) an offical diagnosis or b) a good disability support available to you wherever you are completing your studies. And that is okay. This dot point just won’t be for you right now. But keep it in mind for a time when it might apply to you, as it’s something I never thought I would need, but will never take for granted ever again.

- If you have an offical diagnosis and Disability Support, make an appointment with the disability support adviser. DO IT NOW! Get your psychiatrist to write a diagnosis letter outlining that you have <enter superpower that makes you hilarious here> and that you are receiving <enter x,y,z treatment here> and that you would benefit from receiving <enter what you have always wished you had on the days you can’t make your ADHD gremlin brain do the thing here>. Now these benefits can be, but not limit to: automatic extensions on ALL assignments, extra time on exams, extra breaks to walk around while taking exams, special consideration when marking assignments, my university allows me to take exams in a separate room with only the other students in my subject who also have disability support (occasionally I have taken an exam alone with only a tutor present) so I don’t get distracted, permission to take fidget items into class or exam (I have the option to wear headphones, as long as I can display that they are not connected to anything). Maybe you can come up with some great ones for you with your disability advisor or your psychiatrist.

- The disability advisor will often go through your course outline with you at the start of each semester or year. This is annoying and a great time for disassociating, but can be useful in hindsight because you are made aware of everything that will come up during your class so you are not surprised. Because lets be honest, it is unlikely you are going to look at the course calendar too often.

- Side Note: I make an appointment every semester with my disability support officer for my area of study to make sure I have my special considerations for the year. Now I may go through the whole year without ever using my considerations. However, the fact that I know they are there takes an insane amount of pressure off of myself. If I’m having an insanely screwy loony tune mental health moment, I can email my coordinator my disability plan and say I need an extension due to personal reasons, and WHOOP, there it izzzzz.

7. Dedicated one thing or a few things that have nothing to do with food/alcohol/other substances to reward yourself with for doing the thing!

- This may not work for everyone. It doesn’t always work for me. I used to reward myself with food, but that only reinforced my stimming with overeating and my already bad relationship with food. And I feel as though that would be the same with any other substance that can be linked with addiction. (Addiction is a tough word, cause what aren’t I addicted to, I have ADHD, but hopefully you get what I mean!).

-Now, boring try and not choose this aside, lets think of somethings that work really well as rewards!

- My partner likes to come give me a kiss and a hug when ever they have written and reread a paragraph, you might buy a book when you get a really good mark, you might want to go make a cup of tea and watch an episode of your hyperfixation after studying for <enter a good period of time here>, you might allow yourself to partake in an activity you usually do while procrastinating (but at least this time you know you aren’t putting something off), talk to someone who you know will tell you they are proud of you as they understand the mental struggle you go through to concentrate (if you can’t think of anyone, it is 110% okay if that person are the amazing people on tumblr or the adhd tumblr chats. We will freaking pop a bottle of champagne for you cause we get it!).

- Try and make what ever you choose be something in a different room or away from your working space. Getting out can really calm you down.

8. Don’t be afraid to ask for assistance.

- This is true for anything, but I don’t mean just asking your teacher to give you extra help understanding the task and marking rubric. Many people online, tutors, librarians at your school, past or present students offer assistance rereading and making small edits (they won’t make it magical unfortunately) to your assignments. If you are like me and once you have written or completed the dreaded thing, you can not imagine or force your gremlin brain reread or edit the thing. So it can help to just delegate this to someone else, who hasn’t read it before, so they won’t disassociate or skim read it. They will often notice things you never would have even if you were neurotypical as that is just what happens when you have been working on something for so long.

9. Repetitive music.

- It generally helps if this has no lyrics. Lo-fi is amazing. Classical is alright too if it works for you, but both my partner and I agree that it can really assist you to keep up pace and focus when the beat is a high and repetitive (almost meditative) tempo.

10. Limit your screen space.

- This is a tip completely from my partner @dr-adhd who also has ADHD, is an avid PC gamer and is consistently in a battle with their gremlin brain to focus on completing their PhD. They have discovered that it really helps them to limit their screen space - simply put, work on one screen only. They have done more work more easily when they have their one screen on their laptop to focus on. Whereas their office has multiple screens so they could be playing runescape, watching YouTube, listening to lo-fi and doing work - which never worked (shocking right hahaha).

11. At the risk of sounding like a Mum... Put your phone and other electronics other than the assignment necessary one, away.

- I am a Mum, but to a fluffy puppy dog, so I hate to sound like my Mum when I was in high school, but she was right. Mobiles are the single easiest and biggest distraction in ADHD history. I often, even at coffee shops, have to turn my phone over so that I am not consistently looking at it every time the screen lights up to say the pizza place has sent me a coupon, or a carpet place that has been having a sale since I was born is... still having a sale, or a friend from school wants you to watch this TikTok. Even though you might not want to ignore your friends, because people pleasing, difficulting making/keeping friends and RSD are hecking real things, but they can all wait. Trust me, none of them are urgent. That TikTok will still be funny in an hour or two. And I’m probably completely right when I say that whomever just messaged you, never replies as quickly as you want them too. So I doubt they are going to think twice if you are MIA to finish your thing.

My partner or I might add to this later, but at the moment I already know that I probably wouldn’t read this wall of words if I was the one reading it, so if you are still with me, THANK YOU and I really hope I might have helped you. Sorry for the mound of words, but maybe you can reblog, screen shot, or save this and read a dot point at a time or refer to it when you need. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, I promise what ever it is, I’ve asked the same thing once in my life or something MUCH stupider.

#ADHD #Study tips #actually adhd #autistic #adhd #neurodivergent #adhd study tips #advice #adhdstudytips #studying with adhd #adhd advice #ask adhd #adhd mood #adhd life #adhd vibe #disability support #uni support #school advice

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emerald-amidst-gold · 3 years ago

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Writing Tag Game

Thank you so much for the tag @noire-pandora! <3

Time to show people just how much of a baby I am in the fanfic world~! >:3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

A total of ten! Mainly because I lump drabbles together for easy access!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

....273502 words so far. :3 I like words. Words are good. Words are friends.

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Emerald Eyes Amidst Golden Vows (the very first rendition!) - 48 kudos

Emerald Eyes Amidst Golden Vows - Bound Brighter - 24 kudos

A Dragon’s Hope - 15 kudos

Dragon Drabbles - 13 kudos

Poetry of Wolves - 11 kudos

(Honestly, the progression of style change in each of these fics is terrifying to me. I look back on the last one, and I’m like, ‘Oh my god.’ X’D)

4. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do, on occasion, respond! Though I may use a lot of words while writing, when it comes to communication? I suck. XD But, I do get extremely, extremely excited whenever I see a comment in my inbox, and I do go back and re-read them when I’m feeling down about my writing! I usually respond when a person asks questions, but I try to read them as rhetoric since I don’t want to spoil too much! X3 So, to everyone who has left me comments on my fics: THANK YOU. I do really appreciate and adore them. :3

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Many of my short fics (those ranging from one to two chapters) all end relatively happy. I like angst, but I also enjoy making characters that are usually somber and stressed a little lighter. :3 If we want to get technical, then the first several chapters of my main fic all have rather angsty endings because the beginning of Fane’s journey is...heh. It’s not easy, and it’s not supposed to be.

Although, now that I look, a very old fic of mine called ‘A Dragon’s Guilt’ has a rather angsty ending. Basically, Solas’ frescoes in the rotunda send Fane into a momentary spiral, and it was me playing with Adamant possibilities before he was ‘set in stone’. Panic attacks and mixed memories galore! :D

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

*rifes through my fics* Uhhhh... All of them? :3 Okay, okay! No, if I had to choose it would have to be...one of the short stories in ‘Dragon Drabbles’. It’s a four part story (and my first hand at smut >:3) that’s titled ‘Existence is Not a Sin’. It starts off angsty, but by the end it’s so sweet, so sickeningly sweet that I’m like, “...How did I write this?” X’D ...I’m actually thinking of re-writing a lot of my previous fics just to see if I’ve improved with writing! :D

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I do not write crossovers, but I’m open to the idea! Sadly, my brain hyperfixates on one thing at time, so my imagination is limited. X’D

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I haven’t, and I’m very grateful that I haven’t. To be honest, when I started writing and posting, I expected to get hate (prepare for the worst, you know?) because I was doing something that wasn’t really the ‘norm’ for a lot of people. After all, people are entitled to their own interpretations and mine some times don’t link up with someone else’s. I understand that, and I respect that, but some people...don’t offer the same courtesy. All I’ll say is, if you don’t enjoy my content, don’t read it. We’re all adults, so shrug your shoulders, say, “Not for me”, and move on. Just know that if you do leave a hate comment, you will receive no reply, no fuel. So, don’t waste your time and don’t waste mine. Simple as that. I’m here to share and make people smile, not argue. :3

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I have. Once, and I for the life of me can’t figure out how to do it again. X’D I’m very into soft intimacy; gestures and actions that speak a thousand words. Close positions (missionary, straddling, etc.) and a lot of eye contact with some healthy crying in the mix. *winks* I’m kind of inching towards a theme of ‘body worship’ when it comes to Fane and Solas because those two.. *sighs* They really need to shown that they are beautiful people; inside and out.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I have not. Thank God. XD All I’ll say is this though, you steal my fic, my son and claim them as your own? *gets close to the screen* I will track you down and demand a talk. Don’t steal other’s hard work. Don’t. Writing is not easy, and it takes weeks, months, years for authors to pump out their inspiration, so don’t steal that labor just because you want to say you could. Same goes for drawings and pieces of art. Don’t.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I haven’t! English is my first language, but I understand some French! :D

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, I haven’t, but the idea is intriguing to me sometimes! I’m just a tad unreliable due to how my mood ebbs and flows. I have very long dry spells. X’D

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Solavellan! >:D While I write solely M!Lavellan/Solas, I do support all genders and orientations for the ship! Because I didn’t get into the ship because of what I saw, it’s what it meant to me.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

*side eyes my main fic* LISTEN. It’s coming! I swear. I’m just having intense writer’s block with my main fic, and I’m not sure why. That’s why I’ve been messing with prompts and drabbles. X’D There’s also my modernAU, too.. *sweats* TIIIIIME! WHERE ARE YOU?!

What are your writing strengths?

Describing emotions. I like emotions. Emotions are nice. :3

What are your writing weaknesses?

Dialogue. Mainly because Fane...doesn’t speak much at the beginning of his journey. He’s very curt, short, so I have hard time incorporating other’s reactions to him. I’m getting better though, I think! :D

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’m for it! Sometimes that little splash of altering dialect can draw someone in and establish a connection! Language connects us, and it’s never too late to try and learn so as to reach out to another! :D

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Dragon Age, my beloved~

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

A short story of mine called ‘Blood in the Snow’. It was one of my very first fics and it was the first time I was like, ‘This Lavellan is my muse. I can do so much with him.’ It was just so fun to write a vulnerable moment for Fane, but still keep him locked up. ...It was also where I went, ‘Oh. This is Solavellan Hell. I wasn’t meant to go there, but I DID.’ X’D

Tagging: @oxygenforthewicked @little-lightning-lavellan @dreadfutures @the-dreadful-canine @rosella-writes @aymayzing @drag-on-age @varric-tethras-editor and anyone else that’d like to play! (no pressure, of course! <3)

#did i get a little harsh with a few of the questions? perhaps~ >:3 #art theft and hate comments are touchy subjects for me XD #art can be critiqued but it has to be productive or at least civilly worded #don't come at someone just to make them feel like shit #and shall i say; i've only been writing fanfic for a year #A YEAR #not even actually #*looks back* ...#my first fic was in december of last year so yeah. not even a year yet #*laughs nervously*#tagged #about me

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linalove4561 · 3 years ago

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okay so basically this is me being an actual conspiracy theorist but I've been hyperfixating on Adam god damn Stanheight for about eight months now and I have some god damn theories about his own game , why he lost , and how he was a vital part of Lawrence's game.

{ Disclaimer , idk what the saw fandom has come up with since 2004 , if Leigh whannell himself said the exact shit from his lips I am not aware and I'm just like rambling }

honestly don't read this if you're not as obsessive as i am because this is about to be long as fuck.

OKAY !!!!!!!!

Let me start this with the main key points of both their tapes, in reference to Adam and Adam alone.

Adam's tape explained his reason for being tested was not just for his seedy job. But for being angry and not ever acting for himself.

If you're angry enough to have it mentioned in your Jigsaw tape, you're too angry for life.

Specifically in Lawrence's tape is the fact that all it fucking said was to kill Adam.

That's where all of my arguments will come from.

We have seen trap victims who themselves were not being tested. We've seen a million of them.

We also know Adam was technically given a key, despite how odd and impossible it seemed for Adam to actually keep it from going down that drain.

He was still supposed to have a way out after the test had ended.

And lets go ahead and say that the key was always supposed to be drained, that entire idea of him being a person used as leverage for Lawrence before he's set free is bullshit, that's fine !!!

Because despite the end of the trap, Adam had very clearly been given his reasons for being tested. He knew Lawrence was meant to kill him.

Adam was told he was a voyeur. He sat back and watched life happen around him, never actively participating. Detached and observing others and implementing him into reality, but never directly.

Adam was told to take control of his own fate.

Adam has everything on his side of the bathroom needed for Lawrence to actively succeed with the help of hints.

He was the only one who could reach the tape player. The saws and photos were on his side.

Lawrence has his wallet and the words on the back of that picture. Should Adam never give Lawrence a thing, all he would have was X marks the spot.

That box. And Adam would know at that point that Lawrence was supposed to kill him had he let Lawrence's tape be played.

He would know better to take anything from that man. To stay alive.

Adam, instead, continued to go through the motions. He let Lawrence figure out where the saws were. He let Lawrence have one of those fucking saws. He let Lawrence know about the X and the lights. He let Lawrence know fucking everything and anything he could to be sure Lawrence had the mentality to get them both out of there.

{ can i add here adam listened to everything lawrence said, about getting the tape player, about giving him a saw, about playing his little acting game I didn't know where else to fit this in but it's part of the argument that Adam didn't do shit for himself }

Sitting back. A third party. Waitng for his trap partner to put pieces together for him, and giving him every God damn piece of the puzzle when they hit a dead end.

The picture of Ali and Diana. Revealing himself and who he was. Giving Lawrence any knowledge he needed if it meant LAWRENCE could move forward with him following behind. Always one step behind

Trusting the man who is meant to kill him to instead take charge of his very life that had been placed in Lawrence's hands -- to save him. Not for him to save himself.

Watching and interacting indirectly or not at all when given the chance to be a sardonic and unhelpful asshole.

So that's the first thing, y'know ?

He was told to take control and save his life, not to watch himself die. And he did just that. He watched Lawrence Gordon saw himself away to a gun, and gave and watched Lawrence Gordon do so of his own free will.

He gave Lawrence the tools to succeed out of a cowardly, dependant nature. Never in his own life. Always in someone else's. Living off of others and exploiting them.

He did the exact opposite of what he was directed towards.

THAT'S NOT IT THOUGH !!!!

Like I said, the fact that Adam's fucking anger had to be pointed out in a FUCKING JIGSAW TAPE.

That means it's bad. Adam has said it in the trap himself about his girlfriend leaving him for it.

And he didn't even have to say it. He spent half the trap screaming at Lawrence. If he wasn't screaming, he was throwing saws, breaking glass, and threatening to cut Lawrence.

Screaming at an unknown figure.

Screaming at his frustrations. Every fucking thing he says is harsh and biting until he silently resigns himself to this shit.

He never wasn't angry. He never was taking charge.

I honestly fucking believe with all my heart had Adam done what he should have, what was asked of Jigsaw. And it really wasn't much. It was urging him to calm down. To take in his situation. His tools. And to get himself out. Lawrence be damned to Hell.

He had the tools. He had a saw. He had the ability to do an Eric Matthews. He had six fucking hours to get his shit together. To get himself out. To save his own life.

The only thing he actively did to move towards his freedom that wasn't on Lawrence's shoulders was kill Zep.

And saying all that he heard that fucking tape and then did

THE EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE.

And you're all like , well what the fuck then if Adam wasn't killed by Lawrence and Lawrence didn't kill Adam, the fuck does Lawrence get to live for?

You know why he gets to live?

Despite the time limit being up, Lawrence showed his desire to live. Lawrence did something unthinkable to save and get to different human lives. Lawrence cauterized his own fucking amputated foot.

John had plans for Lawrence as soon as he took him into his trap, and none of us can deny that fact. So long as he won the game.

He didn't quite so much win, but he did do what Jigsaw always wants.

Someone to prove their desire and willingness to do anything to live or to save anyone else.

And y'know what Adam was?

Adam was a fucking key for Lawrence.

Adam had his ways to win that trap without that key.

And he chose to remain a screaming, closed off asshole who relied on someone else to get him help after watching them do anything that needed to be done in that trap.

That is Adam's game over.

Not the key.

His way of handling that trap.

{ Added ; There is no fucking scenario where they both live. Either Lawrence leaves Adam to rot, or Adam leaves him to rot. If Lawrence Gordon lives, there is no reality in which Adam would be free. }

~ feel free to talk and discuss because this is just my interpretation and I wanted to share ~

#saw #adam stanheight #lawrence gordon #jigsaw #ayyyye hyperfixation time #guys im an adam simp i mean him no harm but come one he's a meany #he's actually a scumbag but he's our scumbag

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onelungmcclung · 4 years ago

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Any Speirgott HC's you'd like to share or discuss? :) I'm dying for content.

f i n a l l y

if only you had found me back in my original stint in this fandom when I was thinking about them daily. it’s a great ship, you’re so right. (we don’t like to use the word hyperfixation around here, but I sometimes wonder if this one’s in my future.) do feel free to dm me, if that suits you.

I’m just gonna go all out on my Thoughts and you can do what you want with whatever, you know?

it’s just such an interesting dynamic. the whole “self recognition through the other” vibe, and a slight undercurrent of outsiderhood (though differently experienced). the tension between the mutual recognition of each other as equals (on a personal level) vs the hierarchies and protocols of rank. there is such synchronicity between them when they are clearing the house and liebgott is translating for speirs, which doesn’t occur in their interactions with other characters, even where there are friendships. the undercurrent of humour between them in speirs’s hey liebgott, you want to sit this one out? is small but quite striking.

speirs is able to compartmentalise his emotions and fears whereas liebgott doesn’t; liebgott brings everything into his fight, love and anger and family and history; he is fighting for his people to a greater extent than anyone else in the company. they share a ruthless attitude towards combat and they both adapt relatively well to the environment of war. liebgott, I think, is likely to have a delayed reaction to the horrors he has seen. (he does break down in the camp, but it’s very brief, both because his priority is the wellbeing of the prisoners and because his grief is too raw and personal to display openly in front of the entire company.)

liebgott knows he’s seen a little as an outsider, as the only jewish man in the company, and he’s proud of that identity but he doesn’t talk to anyone about what it means to him; it’s a very personal part of himself, and we only see that vulnerability in the camp. speirs accepts, even welcomes, being seen as an outsider; there’s a value to being feared by one’s men. he references roman history, and so I think it’s nerdy relevant to mention that the latin word vereor means both respect and fear; that is a philosophy he embraces. liebgott does respect him, more quickly than he respects other superiors, and he does, upon occasion, show a degree of fear – namely in the pistol whipping scene – which is unusual for him. that scene is also interesting in that liebgott is the only one who keeps his eyes on speirs the entire time, unlike the others who draw back slightly. (this is in fact the scene where I first started to ship it. a lot.)

they both keep certain things back: liebgott doesn’t show vulnerability if he can avoid it; speirs represses the emotions he can’t wholly compartmentalise. there’s a desire, I think, an instinct, to trust each other, and a reluctance: a tension between letting their guard down vs keeping their distance. they secondguess themselves rather than each other. liebgott is a pretty shrewd observer of other people; speirs, I think, finds interpersonal dynamics a little harder to gauge precisely.

they’re both deeply protective of the people around them: liebgott with tipper, tab, alley, the jewish prisoners; speirs with grant. neither of them default towards gentleness but they’re both capable of great compassion when others need it.

I don’t know if I have many headcanons as such. I think speirs sends liebgott to interrogate/kill the commandant because he trusts liebgott, in this more than anyone else, and because he believes it’s a mission liebgott would want. (speirs has… idiosyncratic ideas about being nice, lol; just ask blithe.)

I think they probably never interacted directly before speirs took over easy company, or certainly not pre-normandy, though they may have been aware of each other. I don’t think liebgott ever cared about the rumours; he had no qualms about speirs killing the german prisoners and, if he was at all disturbed by the rumour about speirs shooting his sergeant, he wouldn’t have shown it. however, they did probably cross paths on the night of the bayonet, when lieb rushed in to help tab and speirs went to investigate the disturbance, and so speirs identifies liebgott as someone who is good in a crisis.

I think speirs much prefers working with liebgott as translator than with webster, in that liebgott is faster and more colloquial but – just as importantly – they fall fluidly into a rapport when working together. on some level, speirs is glad to pull liebgott off the patrol in haguenau; he doesn’t want to lose anyone in the company, but particularly not liebgott.

(I’m not fluent in german but listening to webster’s gives me secondhand embarrassment)

in general I don’t have sexuality headcanons re. any of the characters; but when I write speirgott, my feeling is that this is the first time liebgott has been consciously attracted to men. I don’t think this causes an identity crisis for him; the circumstances of war are too extreme and speirs is, in many ways, an exception to normal rules. pursuing a relationship beyond what is allowed is fraught with difficulty, because of the high stakes and the obstacles of rank and the background of homophobia; I don’t think internalised homophobia is a particular factor. I don’t think it is the first time speirs has been attracted to men, but that does not make the situation simpler. they are all just trying to stay alive and keep the others alive; acting on their attraction may somehow jeopardise that, but also they may never have another chance. their relationship is on a knife-edge at all times: between personal and impersonal, hierarchical and equals, vulnerability and guardedness, secrecy and discovery, life and death.

speirgott has the best potential for all the most gripping AUs, I will stand by that

… anyway, I know I should write more for them – slightly longer fics, I hope – and it’s my tragedy that I seem to have very little control over whatever I next write, but I am extremely glad to know there’s an audience for this ship. I hope I come through for you.

ps. I am entirely up for bouncing ideas/headcanons/plot bunnies around.

#replies #speirgott #speirs x liebgott #I wondered if speirgott would hit me hard on my return to the fandom #but to my surprise mctoye has been the pressing issue #swings and roundabouts #(when I finish writing a long post I'm always like '... was that coherent?' and 'will I think of more later?' ugh.)#'charactering'

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inkdemonapologist · 4 years ago

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So I'm terrified of reading CoC. All of the art makes me so emotional, but I still force myself to read it because it's so good. Then I start try to make something as amazing as that and just end up crying???

Do you have any art tips or any words of advice? How do you find the motivation to do all of it? How do you not throw that motivation away because you just don't want to do it? Also how the heck do you make artist friends? I've been trying to make some so I can draw with someone, but I can't find anyone.

Oh my gosh!! THANK U…. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABT THE CTHULHU BOYS MYSELF…..

Okay lemme see if I can answer these questions in a non-rambling way!!

How do u not throw away motivation when you don’t want to do things? I think if you don’t want to do things, like you ACTUALLY don’t want to do them, and it’s something you’re supposedly doing for enjoyment, it is good and fine to just not do them!! Like, I only draw because I want to. If you don’t want to do something, and you stop and don’t do it until you want to do it again, that is not actually a failure. Obviously there’s exceptions and nuance to this -- sometimes you have to do art for work if you’re a professional artist, and sometimes folks will know from experience that doing art even when you don’t feel like it will ultimately give you joy and satisfaction so you do your best to get over that hurdle, but forcing yourself to do art when it isn’t enjoyable or fulfilling is actually how you get burnout. I also think that Doing Other Things And Cultivating Other Skills And Hobbies Besides Drawing is an almost essential thing for artists to do and highly recommend it. When you’re doing things in your free time, do the things you WANT to do!

How do you find motivation? The joke answer to this question is “hyperfixation lol” but I think the actual answer here is self-indulgence. BE SELF-INDULGENT!!! If you’re looking at a cool story or a cool piece of art and thinking “I want to make a thing that is as cool and impactful as my favourite thing” then like… what is there for your brain to even work with there? That’s so vague, and the pressure becomes so huge that it feels impossible. Whereas if you’re like “I LOVE MY OCs AND I NEED TO SHOW OTHER PEOPLE HOW MUCH OF A HIMBO MY ONE OC IS” or “I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT SAMMY LAWRENCE SMOOCHING JACK AFTER RECOVERING FROM TRAUMA AND I NEED TO CONVEY WHY IM SO EMOTIONAL ABOUT THIS” then like, THATS something you can get powered up about!!! People shy away from being self-indulgent because they think they’re supposed to be appealing to other people, or trying to figure out what other people think is cool, but the truth is that when you are really, REALLY absolutely into the thing you’re making? IT SHOWS, that love pours out of it and when you find the other people who wanted that content that you made just for you, they will get SO EXCITED. Draw the ideas that make you go HELL YEAH HELL YEAH HELL YEAH. The Call of Cthulhu game is MASSIVE self-indulgence for all of us and that’s why we’re so excited about it!! Every once in a while I think to myself “what would be a Cool Picture of Sammy Lawrence that other people in the fandom would like that might get a bunch of notes” and sometimes I even have ideas, but I never ever get around to drawing them because there are so many other things I would RATHER be drawing that are just very exciting to me personally.

How do you make artist friends? As far as I know there’s not One Weird Trick to making friends of any particular sort, but my experience is -- (a) do things that you like, (b) join groups / communities / forums / follow on social media / discord servers for people who do the things that you like, (c) interact with those people in ways that are fun, (d) if you happen to both enjoy interacting and reciprocate with each other then you can interact more and invite each other to new and different interactions and lead towards some level of friendship! A lot of the art friends I have now are folks from a community for a browser game we all played -- I drew a bunch of fanart and liked their fanart and enjoyed yelling headcanons about the characters with them, and we ended up enjoying each other enough to want to do other things together, too. Friendship isn’t a thing where you like, find people you like and then try to figure out how to make them like you back, or an exchange where if you listen to someone talk about X then they’re required by friend rules to listen to you talk about Y. Instead, friendship is about running into people who are a good fit for you in circumstances where you click with them and have things in common, or things you can both share. So the part you can be proactive about is meeting people! And knowing that if people don’t become friends with you or a community isn’t fun for you, you can just wander off and try to meet other people. Sometimes this takes a bunch of tries, so I wish you the best in the art friend gacha!!

Anyway, that’s the best I got!! HOPEFULLY SOMEWHERE IN HERE IS SOMETHING THAT IS KIND OF LIKE AN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, ANON!! I wish u the best!!!!!

#i know you have questions you always do #buncha art thoughts #a lot of this is going to vary from person to person and what they personally get out of art tho #but heres my experience!

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dirkxcaliborn · 3 years ago

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*steals ask meme and turns it into a tag meme so I can answer all the questions* via frogwithadhd

what was/is one of your most obscure hyperfixations? Meerkat Manor maybe? Some stuff just ends up kinda fading in my memory because I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it, and half the time I enthused about it, I really wanted to talk to someone about it so it ended up pretty negative lol

what’s your current hyperfixation(s)? Genshin Impact. I haven’t even been playing much lately because I kinda burnt myself out, but now I’m really getting into the fic for it and I’m just !!!!!!! I’ve kinda been fixating specifically on characters and lately it’s shifted from Kazuha to Childe. My brain is just everything Childe all the time

do you have any other family with adhd? Not that I know of. My mom shares a lot of symptoms, but she’s got a different diagnosis and has no interest on tacking adhd to everything else haha

what’s your favorite stim? The one I do the most is probably tapping things. It’s become a bit of a joke at work as being my “idle animation” lmao but when I’ve got a bunch of nervous energy and no idea what to do, I’ll just walk along tapping everything and trying to get my thoughts in order. The one that’s the most fun is conducting music. Usually do that one while I’m walking somewhere and listening to music, and I’ll wave my arms and tap my fingers and such to the beat.

do you like background music or does it distract you? Hmm... I think mostly I like it. It drowns out other smaller, more distracting sounds. I much prefer a low noise I’m really familiar with, like a lyric-less playlist I’ve looped a bunch over random ambient noise.

does noise when you work put you on the fritz/sensory overload? (people talking/humming/singing, a video playing, tapping, pen clicks, etc.) Absolutely 100% I get super worked up and can’t focus at all except on the noise. Also idk about y’all but I also get really, really worked up by like.... visual stuff???? People brushing their fingers through their hair, bouncing their leg, etc. Someone will be continually petting a dog and it’s all I can focus on and I want them to stop so much dfghjkl

what is sensory overload like for you? does it happen often? Idk I’m all wired up and everything agitates me. I can’t stand the sound of anyone’s voice and my skin crawls. Idk it’s like super often or anything? Often enough I guess? I feel like I’ve usually got a way to step back.

do you actually get distracted by squirrels or is this a myth? For me? Not at all. Had a friend who would stop dead conversation or interrupt every single time to point out a dog. I really hated it lol My thoughts jump around a lot, but it’s more internally linking to random shit that’s all on my mind at the same time.

hyperactive, inattentive, or both? dunno lol Both I guess Depends whether the situation allows outward shows or if I’m just very much in my head

do you have a hard time talking too loud, or maybe too quiet? both? I used to be too loud and sometimes still am I guess, but mostly I’m really quiet and wish other people would be too lol People almost always complete miss what I say.

what was your childhood like? was it obvious that you had adhd, or would nobody have ever expected it? Well in 1st grade, a teacher actually set up a meeting with my mom to discuss her suspicions that I had ADHD. My mom always tells the story with a scoff like the audacity of this woman!!!!!!! How dare!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve wondered whether she was on to something, and what would’ve happened if that’d been taken seriously?

do you take meds? how do they help you? what side effects have you had, or what meds have been wrong for you? Here’s where I confess I’m not actually diagnosed anything. I don’t even know if getting a diagnosis would help me at this point. I hear there’s downsides to having that stuck on your record and that it’s really difficult and expensive to get diagnosed as an adult.

pog is such a stimmy word. have you ever been addicted to saying pog. you cant stop saying pog. and hey theres no shame or judgement here ok, now tell me: have you ever been addicted to Pog, son? I have not

are you forgetting something rn? So many things. The other day, I went to work on my day off just to get something to eat since I was in the area. My manager asked me if I was working the next day and I said “yeah, probably.” He told me something after that. I later realized I had the next day off, but have no fuckin clue what he told me. I still don’t remember. A recent funny one is that just before Halloween, it suddenly hit me that November 1st was a significant day for some reason. I thought on it. What could possibly be happening???? I’m sure something is happening I think??? Couldn’t for the life of me remembered and figured I must’ve gotten my thoughts mixed up. Then a discord message suddenly reminded me OH I have a D&D session on November 1st and it’s taking place at my house. Good thing I remembered that one in time lmfao

what are your average sleep hours? 1 am is pretty typical bedtime since I usually work morning shifts. Even if I have to get up at 6 am for work, I still can’t go to sleep until 1 am.... sometimes later. If I have a day off, I like to completely screw myself over by staying up til 4 or 5 am and trudging out of bed at 3pm. This is very bad in winter when the sun is setting by 3pm lmfao

what do you think about at 3 am? Nowadays? Lonely, self-depracating thoughts lol Spiraling into those is the worst. That’s when I end up checking my phone and seeing my alarm is going to go off in an hour and a half because I was too worked up to sleep. I much prefer when I get sucked into a fanfic and that occupies all my thoughts haha

what hyperfixation do you find yourself always drifting back to? do you always have that one interest that you wish you could get back into but just cant? I tend to cycle back to most of my interests. I really miss when I used to draw all the time. I had these huge folders of art where I just loved something so much and would draw the shit out of it. I draw like one thing now and it’s exhausting. It’s never good enough. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. I used to vent all my feelings through my art, the good ones, the bad ones. I guess I didn’t need people to talk to about stuff because I got it all out through drawing. I really miss that. Also fire emblem. Every so often it hits me like a truck that I really love fire emblem lmfao

do you actually have a constant special interest that you never get tired of?!1!?1?1! Hmm. Not really. Like I said, I tend to cycle. I can’t game consistently, I can’t craft consistently, I can’t read consistently. I’ll either be really, really into it, or can’t touch it at all.

have you ever been or are you addicted to caffeine? Nah, I don’t really like it. I only drink coffee at work, and it’s more about the sugar milk than anything else lmao. I had to start going half-caf because it would fill me with so much nervous energy that I’d just be super fucking anxious all day.

what’s your favorite < 30 second youtube video that gives you a whole truckload of happy chemicals? I’m gonna cheat bc I’m p sure it’s longer than 30 seconds, but I love Woah Plaza (it’s the wii theme but with the crash bandicoot WOAH sounds instead lmao)

as a child, was it difficult for you to make friends? is it still difficult? Yes??? no????? kinda????? I think I spent a lot of time alone, both then and now. I think I kind of stumbled upon friends and didn’t know how it happened. Lost friends and didn’t know how that happened either. I get along with almost everyone, but it’s really hard to be close to anyone. It’s really easy to slap on an agreeable, likable mask and a lot harder to keep trying to take it off only to be found difficult and unlikable ya know? There’s all these things like not really knowing anything about people or not being trusted with their thoughts and their feelings... bleh something, something, lonely self-depracating thoughts or w/e

hate math or love math? how do you do with mental math/arithmetic? I actually quite like math. I really like solving things and that’d 90% of math. I have a bad habit of stumbling over the easy stuff and ending up wildly wrong tho lmao I can usually hold numbers in my head tho and will often skip a bunch of steps when showing my work because it’d be ridiculously slow to write them down when I have other stuff to figure out.

what was/is your favorite subject? if you have one lol I was really good at English, but I think science is the most interesting.

on a scale of abhor to adore, how much do you hate school? Ya know, I love learning, and I honestly kinda do really like structure. The actual environment of school was horrible though. Part of it I think was being surrounded by people for 7+ hours a day, 5 days a week. I can’t handle that. I don’t even need to interact with them to not be able to handle that.

how do you learn? (visually, kinesthetically, etc.) Hmm.... definitely not auditorily because I miss half the things people say and forget what I did hear shortly after. I remember things I read very well, though. I don’t visualize in my head very well, so I often draw things out to understand them. Visually, I guess.

sloppy or neat handwriting? Mostly neat, though it can get fairly sloppy. Most people at work have horrible writing when it comes to the cups though lmao we’re always in such a rush to get everything on the cup before we forget one of the customer’s several customizations, and forget to consider than someone else will have to decipher it

good or bad at procrastinating? (like when you procrastinate, do you freak out or are you chill about getting it done?) I mostly freak out about stuff that I had no confidence in being able to complete in the first place. I procrastinate literally everything tho, so for the stuff I’m confident in my ability to complete in general, I won’t be super frantic about the time.

// I don’t really have answers to the original 28 and 29

how do you feel about reading? is it really difficult for you, or maybe it’s one of your favorite pastimes? do you like it but it’s just hard and you cant get into it? share le thoughts :) I like reading a lot. It always gives me direction for my racing thoughts. Lately, I’ve found I have to take short breaks partway through reading. It feels like a Lot even tho really I would like to finished 200k in a single sitting lmaoo But in those breaks, I end up thinking a lot about the events and the characters and possible foreshadowing and where I think things are going. Idk compared to games and movies and such, I feel like books take me out of myself a lot more.

#coyo speaks

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erbferbatinlerb · 5 years ago

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sorry for the long post, i'm on mobile and cant put a read more but.... drumroll please.... due to popular demand here it is! Phineas Has ADHD: The Essay.

Hyperfixation on building/inventing things: Even more specifically amusement park rides ("Rollercoaster", "Rollercoaster The Musical", "One Good Scare", "Leave The Busting To Us", "Don't Even Blink", "Cheer Up Candace", "Delivery Of Destiny", etc.) Now, you can argue that he's a kid, and rides are fun, so of course he likes them, but if you look at it from a building standpoint, from an engineering standpoint? Phineas' interest lies in fun, of course, but he also must have an extreme interest in the engineering aspect of a ride in order to be skilled and knowledgeable enough to build them, and to be able to focus on the task so wholly.

He also gets incredibly attached to very specific things that some people often find strange, which seems like evidence of hyperfixation to me. (E.g.: aglets in "Tip of the Day", dental hygiene in "Bully Bust", Bulgarian folk dancing in "The Beak", detective movies in "Finding Mary McGuffin") hot tubs in "Bully Bromance Breakup", "Lotsa Latkes", "Swiss Family Phineas")

HYPERFOCUS: He and Ferb will dedicate their whole day to just one idea that they have. Phineas is able to weaponize his hyperfocusing talent incredibly well and stick to one task, but only if it is something he is extremely interested in — for example: In "Bully Bromance Breakup", he becomes almost unable to function without the stimulation of inventing, to the point where climbing a mountain with his friends—something he, by all accounts, should enjoy—becomes a difficult task for him.

He displays forgetfulness: In "Mom's Birthday", Phineas forgets it is his mom's birthday until he hears Candace mention it, and then he feels extremely guilty. We then see a montage of him, during various situations from the previous episodes (on the rollercoaster, etc.) telling Ferb: "We can't forget mom's birthday." Even though this was of course, a bit, if you take this as being canon (which there's no real reason not to), it means Phineas was constantly talking about their mom's birthday for weeks leading up to the event because he really didn't want to forget it and he was worried that he would (and in the end, he did), implying he may have a consistent tendency to be forgetful.

Phineas has an intense love of summer, and is implied to have a dislike for school— which is natural for any kid his age, but it's not hard to imagine that he might feel cooped up and creatively stifled during school. Especially if we put his attitude towards school next to that of Baljeet, with whom he shares a love of learning and knowledge, it's hard to ignore the difference. Being as we've seen Phineas get agitated when he's not able to build and invent freely and on his own terms ("Bully Bromance Breakup", "Summer Belongs To You"), it's easy to imagine he may struggle in a public school environment.

He has impulsive and thrill-seeking tendencies, which are evident in many of the big ideas. ("Escape From Phineas Tower", "Rollercoaster", "Ain't No Kiddie Ride", "The Beak", "One Good Scare", "Phineas and Ferb-Busters", "Leave The Busting To Us", ETC.) Adrenaline-seeking behaviour is common in individuals with ADHD and goes hand-in-hand with a low tolerance for boredom which Phineas explicitly states himself to possess in the very first episode of the show. ("Rollercoaster")

However, on the flip side to his aversion to boredom, he can also spend literally hours just standing in the backyard, not even talking, if that's just what he feels like doing that day. ("Best Lazy Day Ever")

He is highly energetic and is the most talkative one of his friends. He has also suggested having an awareness and perhaps an insecurity that he talks too much in some situations. ("Misperceived Monotreme")

He sometimes has trouble with listening, and interrupts people, especially when he's excited: in "Ready For The Bettys", when they stumble upon Perry's lair, Phineas assumes Ferb built everything and doesn't listen, constantly interrupting when Ferb tries to protest; in "Hail Doofania", he assumes that he knows what Isabella is talking about (not having seen a rainbow before) and makes it his mission for the day to do what he thinks she means, and doesn't take the time to hear her out when she tries to explain otherwise because he's too invested in/excited about the project he has in mind.

Obliviousness / missing of social cues: The most obvious example is Isabella's crush on him, which he consistently fails to notice. ("Chronicles of Meap", "Meapless in Seattle", "That Sinking Feeling", "Happy New Year", "Summer Belongs To You", "Happy Birthday Isabella", "Doofapus", "It's No Picnic") He also seems not to understand that Candace wants to get them in trouble, nor that he actually probably would get in trouble if his mom knew what he and Ferb were doing. In fact, he gets excited about sharing their endeavors with Linda, clearly oblivious to the potential repercussions. ("Traffic Cam Caper", "What'd I Miss", "Suddenly Suzy")

Highlighted Episodic Evidence

Chronicles of Meap/Meapless in Seattle

Phineas's dismissal of Isabella's "cuteness" comments shows again his difficulty picking up on social cues, especially when distracted by a mission. He does not seem to understand, or at least does not acknowledge, Isabella's clear frustration with him. He does not understand that he is dismissing Isabella's feelings, because to him it feels obvious that she is cute and he doesn't think he needs to say it. Followed up in "Meapless in Seattle" with the "You think I'm cute?" "It's a scientific fact!" interaction—Phineas is not understanding that this isn't really how to give a compliment; he does not seem to realize that by not acknowledging Isabella's cuteness he could be hurting her feelings/nurturing her insecurities.

That Sinking Feeling

Once again, he misses cues from Isabella about her feelings for him, or if he understands them, he does not outwardly acknowledge them. He also tries to create romance for Mishti and Baljeet by taking "scientifically" romantic things, based upon his research (mostly the movie Titanic): candles, live music, the situation of a sinking ship... He over-does these things in a calculated way to try and curate the most scientifically romantic situation possible. This also mirrors Candace's opinion about his cold, calculated methods in "Perry Lays an Egg".

Cheer Up Candace

Phineas cares about Candace and when he sees her upset, he wants to help her, and he makes it his goal to do so. He hears the first step from Isabella's magazine is a makeover and he immediately thinks of a clown. He sets off to execute his plan without consulting anyone (except Ferb) and after it goes, as you can expect, not well, he realizes in hindsight that his impulsive idea was built on flawed logic. However, rather than dwell on this, he decides to dive right into the next step and he continues to do wildly over the top, fantastical versions of the magazine suggestions. I think this demonstrates a lack of understanding for social cues as well as impulsivity and impatience. Furthermore, he doesn't even wait to hear step two before setting out to achieve step one, and he doesn't ask Isabella her opinion or even listen to her suggestions once he has entered his own Idea Zone. Also, the Mix 'n' Mingle Machine is a great example of his unconventional and greatly efficiency-focused thought processes—

he thinks of it as the most efficient way to meet as many people as possible in a short time, demonstrating a clear misunderstanding of what the actual intent of "meeting someone" was in the magazine. He is also basing this idea on his personal notions of what he finds fun, not what Candace would necessarily want.

Summer Belongs To You

When stranded on the island, Phineas shows an intense frustration when he's unable to put an optimistic spin on things. He also has a clear discomfort when he is without any tools to build with. Again, we see his hyperfocus on inventing (in this case: fixing the plane) get in the way of Isabella trying to have a romantic moment with him, and in the way of relaxing in general. She sees the sights of Paris, alone time with him, and chances to enjoy themselves, whereas Phineas sees things he could use as airplane parts, single-mindedly focused on his mission. And again he misses or does not acknowledge Isabella's frustration with him in the "It seemed like romance was a foregone conclusion" scene. This is strong evidence for Phineas' hyperfixation because he gets so caught up in his own world when it comes to inventing/building/working that he doesn't even notice what's going on around him, then he fails to see the irony of him identifying Candace&Jeremy and Ferb&Vanessa as romantic interests while entirely missing the fact that Isabella & him are also "a boy and a girl, alone in the city of love."

Also of note is his complete focus on completing the Summer Solstice goal. Because, despite the fact that they made it back to Danville safely after being in a pretty perilous situation—which should have become their main concern being as they were just stranded on an island with no food or way to call for help—he cannot be satisfied with that. Needing to get home before the sun sets for the sake of winning his bet and symbolically representing his worldview, he yells at candace when she doesn't want to get on the trike, because he's determined to still get there on time, intensely focused on both proving a point and upholding his personal values.

Happy Birthday Isabella

Isabella does not want an over-the-top surprise party, all she wants is to spend time alone with Phineas, but Phineas is so focused on his idea of her perfect birthday party that he does not seem to realize what her wishes are. He sends her away from him so that she won't know about the surprise, and does not even do so very gently (getting Buford to carry her away in a sack) instead of even asking her what she wants.

Bully Bromance Breakup

In this episode, Phineas is shown to get extremely distressed when he has to go even a short period of time without building/inventing anything. This is representative of a need for constant stimulation (which would explain why he is so adamant that he cannot put up with boredom). This also evidences his hyperfixation on building/inventing. The whole time that they're climbing the mountain with Baljeet, Phineas is completely preoccupied by his ideas for inventions, and after Baljeet rejects his ideas a few times, he gets increasingly agitated, eventually gets to a point where he is unable to climb anymore and has to get pulled up by the others, and he is shown rambling to himself about all of the invention ideas he has.

This is by no means a definitive list, and I'm sure there are many more moments in the show that provide evidence of these ideas, but this is the ones that stood out to me. Anyway, in conclusion, Phineas has ADHD. If you're still reading this incredibly long post by this point: uhh, thank you, I guess! Have a nice day. 💖

#phineas flynn #phineas and ferb #pnf #adhd #i dont think i need to regail you with proof for doof and candace also having adhd #but the evidence for phineas is more subtle and i wanted to like. write it down so uhh. i did #THIS IS A HEADCANON. I WANNA CLARIFY THAT #this is purely headcanon based upon my personal interpretation of the canon and any other hcs for phineas and any other character are valid #♡♡♡#tagging this as #dannywrites #i guess jshsn #idk how the formatting of this is gonna turn out but. take this

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moon-in-daylight · 5 years ago

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Save you (Part 1) / Dhawan!Master x reader

Summary: Traveling with The Doctor had shown you incredible things: The existence of extraterrestrial live, the possibility of time travel and the most beautiful and remote places you could have ever imagine... But being with her had also made you develop some strong values. To be kind and always help those in need. But would you be up to help The Master now that he is the one who needs to be saved?

Words: 9112

Warnings: Blood, near death situations, smut (in future chapters).

Note: Since I’m isolated at home with an hyperfixation on Dhawan!Master, I decided to write my first fanfiction in like 4 or 5 years. I thought I might share it in case someone is in the same situation as I am and has nothing better to do than reading it (please, stay at home). It’s the first time I write in awhile and English is not my first lenguage, so sorry if this sucks.

What’s written in italics are the reader’s memories.

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

Gallifrey wasn’t how you had imagined it would be. At least, its current state wasn’t.

When The Doctor talked about her home planet –not that she really had lately, but she had told you about it sometime, especially when you had asked her about the Time War–, she always talked about the golden skies and the two suns shining above. It had always made you curious, to visit the place that had watched your friend grow up. But looking around you, you realized why she hadn’t brought you and the fam to visit what was left of it.

You were rushing through the ruins of what had been one of the most powerful civilizations in the universe, followed closely behind by Ko Sharmus, who had a rough time keeping up with your speed. The others had tried to stop you both from getting out of the TARDIS that The Doctor had prepared to take you home, but nothing they could say or do could have made you stay. You couldn’t leave that planet knowing that The Doctor was sacrificing herself and that you would never be able to see her again. You would never be able to forgive yourself if you did nothing about it, if you just stood aside. That wasn’t you.

“You may have made me but I have destroyed you…” As you got closer to the Matrix, you could hear The Master’s voice getting louder. You tried to follow that sound “Become death, become…” Breathless, you stood in the room, every ‘Cybermaster’ pointing their weapons at you while The Master focused his attention on your being before finishing what he was saying. “Me…”

Interlocking your stare with his sent a shiver down your spine. You hadn’t seen him in a few months, you never thought you would again after your last encounter, when the Kaasavin took him away. But there he was, right in front of you in the planet he had threated to pieces. Looking at him now, it was almost impossible to believe that he was the same person that had introduced himself as O so long ago.

The Doctor, seeing her childhood friend’s reaction, turned to see you. “Y/N! You shouldn’t be here!” She reprimanded as you looked behind you in search for Ko Sharmus, who you supposed must had gotten lost. “You can’t still be here I set the controls!”

“I followed you outside, I couldn’t let you do this on your own!” You quickly responded as you watched The Master approaching you, a slight smirk forming on his face. You didn’t have to be genius to judge by his reaction that he was scheming something.

“I believe we agreed on no party crashers.” Grabbing you by your arm and dragging you to the center of the room with him, he laughed. “But this might be interesting.” His eyes looked at you and then at The Doctor as he tightened his grip on you. “Will you be able to sacrifice your loyal, little pet, Doctor?”

The Doctor’s eyes looked at you in despair. One thing was sacrificing herself and the apocalyptic remains of her planet for the well–being of the universe, but you being in the middle of it made things infinitely harder.

“Just do it, Doc.” You tried to encourage her as she held the bomb in her hands, pointing it to the Master. “It’s okay, I chose to stand by you.” Looking at you in the eye, The Doctor lowered her arm, putting her finger away from the detonator of the weapon that would end all organic life on her home planet.

“For just a moment there I thought maybe…” The Master looked away from his oldest enemy, frustrated at the turn of events. He sighed loudly before speaking again, now talking to you. “She’s weak.” He informed you, leaning over to your ear. “And the universe and you both are going to suffer for her weakness. I can promise you that.”

You gave an apologetic look at your friend, still hoping that she found the courage enough to press the button and end this madness once and for all.

“Not if I have anything to do with it.” Ko Sharmus finally intervened, getting in the room as well and walking towards The Doctor.

“Excuse me, are there going to be any more surprises?” The Master asked rhetorically into your ear, his heavy breathing hitting the skin on your neck and making you feel quite unsettled.

“Why won’t anyone listen to me?!” The Doctor questioned in frustration. “I told you all to leave!”

“I wanted to make sure these things are gone. And now I can be.”

“No!” The old man tried to grab the device that The Doctor still had in between her hands, even though he tried to persuade him out of his intentions.

“You didn’t start this, I did!” Ko Sharmus began to explain to The Doctor how he was part of the team that had tried to get rid of the Cyberium by sending it back though time, getting the calculus wrong and not sending it far enough. You swallowed the lump in your throat when you realized he wanted to take The Doctor’s place. “This is my penance. Mine to finish…”

You unconsciously sighed in relief as you watched The Doctor give the bomb back to his owner, glad to know that, at least, she got the chance to get out of there. You, on the other hand, didn’t seem to be that lucky. The Master was still holding you close to him, with no intention of letting you go.

“It isn’t going to be that easy, Doctor.” The Master intervened, rage filling his tone once again. “I still have her, and she’s not going anywhere. I die and she dies with me.” He stated, as serious as you had ever heard him. He had nothing left to lose.

“You can have me.” The Doctor was quick to say, trying to find a way for you to get out of this one. “This is between you and me, let her go and I’ll take her place.”

“Tempting, but I think I’ll pass. You can still stay and die by her side if you want to.” He laughed again. You took a deep breathe, trying to find the right words to say.

“Just go, Doctor.” You told her, no trace of hesitation in your voice. “This was my choice. I was the one who ran away from the TARDIS when you told me not to. Don’t blame yourself, it’s my fault.”

“Look at that, isn’t it moving?” The Master mocked you both. “She’s dying because of you and she doesn’t even blame you for it, Doctor. I don’t know if that’s sad or pathetic.”

“Don’t listen to him! Just run!” You tried to convince her to do as you said. “Yaz, Graham and Ryan still need you! The universe still needs you!” Tears began to form in your friend’s eyes

“I’m so, so sorry, Y/N.” She told you sincerely before running off.

“Doctor!” The Master shouted in frustration, his grip around you getting even tighter than before, making you squirm a little.

“Still feeling confident?” Ko Sharmus asked the remaining Time Lord in the room, getting ready to push the button and end it all.

The Master looked at the human in front of him defiantly, furious because his plan had been turned apart once again. You took a deep breath as you did your best to accept your final destiny.

There are always risks when travelling with The Doctor, you weren’t the first one to face the consequences. And you weren’t oblivious to them when you first stood a foot in the TARDIS. Death is always imminent when you live that kind of life, it had been several times that you had found yourself in deathly situations. Luckily, you had escaped from them all except for, of course, this one. Yet, you were copping surprisingly good with it. There wasn’t much left for you on earth anyway, you thought, and you had live a deeply intense and remarkable life. The things you had seen, the places you had been… You wished you had time to achieve more things, but maybe it was time. Maybe this was how it was meant to be.

“Kill him.” The sound of The Master giving the order to his army got you out of your own thoughts.

“Kill you first.” The old man threatened as dozens of lasers were shot against him.

Watching your ally struggle to keep himself from falling to the ground and taking advantage of The Master’s distraction, you set yourself free from his grip. You needed to be quick to grab the bomb from Ko Sharmus's hands as he fell dead to the floor. He had failed to complete the task again, and you couldn’t let the Time Lord and his monstrous creation get out of the planet. It would be the first, and most certainly last time that you kill someone, but you owed it to The Doctor. One final sacrifice to save your beloved universe. It needed to be done, even though you didn’t want to.

Just when you were about to grab the device from the old man’s apparently dead body, you realized your mistake. Ko Sharmus was still alive and his finger was barely a second away from making disappear all life from Gallifrey. In what you thought were your last moments, you turned to see The Master’s reaction, seeing him manipulating a watch–like device that was on his wrist. Just in time before the bomb detonated, he grabbed your arm, teleporting you both away from that room.

Out of nowhere, you found yourself inside of O’s house. Well, it wasn't really a house, and O didn't exist. You already knew that it was in fact The Master's TARDIS, but it was still hard to process. It took a moment for you to realize that you were in fact alive while the Master ran to the console and began to introduce some coordinates.

“We’re still on Gallifrey.” He clarified as he rushed himself to get his ship out of there. You weren’t really sure if he was talking to you or to himself. “There’s only a few seconds left before the expansive wave gets here.”

You watched him in confusion, still trying to figure out what had just happened. You were supposed to be dead. Not that you weren’t glad not to be. But out of all people, The Master was the last one you imagined would get you out of that situation. He was the one to put you in danger in the first place. What sense did it made?

Standing there, you watched in shock as he successfully got his ship into the time vortex. Once you were certain that you were out of danger, you decided to open your mouth again. “Why did you do that?” You asked him, a deep feeling of confusion taking over you.

“Do what?” The Master asked you back as he tried to decide when and where to go.

“You saved me.” Your voice was low as you did your best for both of you to remain calmed. The last thing you needed after escaping a certain death was to get yourself killed by an angry alien psychopath.

“I didn’t save you.” He was quick to correct you in his usual, cynic tone. “I saved myself and you just happened to be there. Do I look like a dog walker or something? I don’t take care of other people’s pets.”

You stayed silent as he worked. He wasn’t exactly easy to talk to, and you didn’t want to push him with noisy questions. Instead, you decided to celebrate the fact that you were alive by sitting on a chair and taking the deep breath that you had been holding for the last several hours. You weren’t completely out of danger, you were still in The Master’s ship. But for some reason he had decided you were more valuable alive than dead, you only hoped he wouldn’t suddenly change his mind.

Still trying to process everything that had happened in the last minutes, you realized The Doctor didn’t have a clue that you were still alive. You needed to get back to her, but that seemed a bit difficult at the moment. Eyeing The Master and seeing that he was busy controlling his ship, you reached for your phone only to find that the screen was shattered and that it didn’t even turn on. It must had had broke when you fell while running from the Cybermen earlier. Now it was useless. Wasn’t that just perfect?

There was no way to reach any of your friends and inform them of your situation, so you supposed you should focus on getting out of there as soon as possible and find your way back to them. The only problem was that you had no idea of where or when The Master was taking you.

“Why am I still inside your TARDIS?” Deep in thought, you asked in a low tone. Unluckily, not low enough so that he could’t hear you.

“You can throw yourself into the time vortex for all I care” He replied bitterly. Well, even more bitterly than usual. “Just make sure to close the door behind you.”

You weren’t really sure of how travelling in time worked, but you were pretty sure that wouldn’t survive if you just jumped out of the ship now, so you supposed you were stuck there. After a few silent minutes in which you tried to figure the situation out, you decided to dig a bit more into his intentions. He had had several opportunities to kill you, so if you were still alive was because for some reason he intended on keeping in that way.

Your eyes were glued to him as he read the screen in front of him. “Why did you take me out of Gallifrey?” You finally inquired again, your voice more confident than before.

“Would you have rather staying there?” The Master took a few seconds before answering your question, doing his best to keep himself calmed.

“I’m just trying to understand why I’m still alive. That’s all.”

The Master turned to you, his eyes furious as he quickly walked towards you and grabbed you by the throat. You gasped for air as he got you up from the chair, his face a few inches away from yours. “If that causes you any problem…” He stopped before he could finish the sentence, his eyes closing as he let out a groan from pain. As you observed him closely, you realized that his skin was extremely pale and that there was some cold sweat forming on his forehead. His grip on you was also weaker than you had expected it would be. “…I can fix that.”

His gaze was upon you for a few more seconds before letting you go. You coughed a few times as you tried to regain your composure. Don’t mess around with the sociopath alien, lesson learned. The Master walked back to the console and tried to get back to work, but you could see how tired he was.

“Are you feeling okay?” The Master could sense the worried tone in your voice. He didn’t even look back at you, ignoring you completely as he pulled a lever.

In a matter of seconds the ship had successfully landed, even though you had barely noticed it. The Master was a better pilot, his manoeuvres way smoother than The Doctor’s. You had to admit him that.

“Where are we?” You asked in fear of whatever you could find at the other side of the door. Probably it was best not to know, just by picturing all the kind of sick, doomed places his twisted mind could have chosen to take you to.

Almost as if you weren’t there, he kept messing around with the controls of the TARDIS. “Why don’t you go out there and figure it out instead of making stupid questions?” He spat, once again giving you the less possible amount of attention.

That wasn’t really encouraging, to say the least. But you had to admit curiosity was too much to bear. You had tons of questions and an answer waiting for you at the other side of the TARDIS’s doors. Was it worth to take risk? You took risks every day just by travelling with The Doctor, but you could feel the chances of getting into trouble multiply just by having the company of The Master instead. Taking a deep breath, you carefully walked to the front door. Your hand rested on it for a few seconds before you finally open it up to reveal your surroundings.

Surprise took over you when you recognized the place where the ship had landed. You had been there before, some time ago. The Master had landed in Australia, where he was when you first had met him as he was pretending to be O, an agent from MI6.

The Doctor’s voice could be heard even from outside of her console room as she rambled about something you didn’t quite understand. It wasn’t unusual to find her talking to herself, so you weren’t bothered by it until you entered into the room and heard another voice replying to her.

You hesitated for a few seconds before getting closer to where she was standing, realizing she was on a video call with someone.

“Y/N, hey!” She greeted you when she noticed your presence, turning to you with a wide smile spread on her face. “Come here, I want to introduce you to someone.”

“I thought you were rambling on your own again.” You laughed as you walked towards your friend, placing yourself next to her in front of the screen. “Who are you talking to?”

“Y/N, this is my friend from MI6, O” The Doctor introduced you as you gave the man a polite smile and a little wave.

“Nice finally meeting you.” He waved back as you observed him. He was a fairly good looking man with big dark eyes. “The Doctor talks so much about you.”

“Does she now?” You laughed, trying to hide your embarrassment. “I’m not really interesting, especially comparing myself to her. Hope she doesn’t bore you much.”

“No, I have a great time hearing about your adventures.” O smiled as he gave you a reassuring look. “According to what The Doctor says you have saved her more than once.”

You grinned nervously as you placed a piece of hair behind your ear. “Well, I should leave you two to keep catching up. Didn’t mean to interrupt you.” You shrugged, feeling bad for crashing their conversation.

“Oh, don’t worry.” The agent told you. “We were already saying goodbye.”

“Yeah, O is working on a case at the moment.” The Doctor clarified. “See you around!” She happily put an end to the call. It was only you and her in the TARDIS now.

“So…” You sighed, thinking of the best way to ask what was on your mind without looking suspicious. You had liked him, but first you wanted to know if there was anything going on between the two of them. “What is the deal with this O? How did you two meet?”

“We met some years back.” Your alien friend explained as she wandered around the console room. “He really is into studying every alien thing that crosses his path.”

“Why isn’t he travelling with us then?” The Doctor turned to you as you asked. You had never heard her talking about O before, so maybe there was a reason why she didn’t want him in the TARDIS. “He seems like a nice guy, he would enjoy this kind of life.”

“He does an extremely important job on earth.” She clarified. Both Torchwood and Unit were now gone, so knowing that there was still O left working for MI6 made her feel more secure. If any alien being attacked Earth while she was away, he would still be there to try and stop them. “Maybe some day we can take him on an adventure. Now, how about we go get the rest of the fam and go somewhere?”

You smiled at her while you nodded your head, still thinking about O. There was no denying you had taking a like on him, even though the Doctor was too much of a dork to notice. It wasn’t nothing serious, just a dumb crush, but you were hoping on seeing him again sometime. Preferably in person next time.

“Have you ever been to Barcelona?” The Doctor got you out of your thoughts. “Not the city Barcelona, the planet Barcelona. Do you fancy a trip there?”

The sun was setting just now. If you started walking, you would get to the closest population in a couple of hours. Luckily, you could get into a plane in the morning and be back to London by the end of the next day. You were free to go home, to go back to your fam. But since The Master was the one that had taken you back to Earth, you supposed things weren’t as simple as they seemed. There had to be a trick. There’s always a trick with him. He wouldn’t make it that easy, would he?

After taking a moment to admire the beauty of your own planet, you decided to head back inside of the TARDIS. Probably The Master would dismiss every single one of your questions, just like he had been doing, but you couldn’t leave without trying one last time. You would always be wondering why he had helped you if you left now. Curiosity was going to be the death of you.

Confusion stricken you again when you didn’t see The Master around the console. You were beginning to think that he was setting you a trap when you spotted him lying on the floor, passed out.

“Master!” You kneeled beside him, shaking his body slightly in an attempt to wake him up.

Nothing you did made him move a muscle. Worried, you placed a hand on his forehead just to find that his skin was practically burning. His breathing and heartbeats were also way slower compared to what you supposed was normal. If he did in fact had two hearts his pulse should be way more intense, or so you supposed.

Being as careful as you possibly could, you dragged The Master to the closest piece of furniture. Not without some complications, you laid him on the couch and observed him, in hopes for him to make any kind of reaction. There was always the possibility that he was messing with you. That this was a part of some bigger scheme and that you were falling straight for it. But you knew that, if by any remote chance this was real and you walked away, leaving him there on his own, you would never be able to forgive yourself. Sure, he most likely wouldn’t do the same for you, but you weren't the type to run away when help was needed.

Besides, he had indeed saved you from Gallifrey, even if you didn’t know the real reason behind it. In a way, you felt like you owed him.

The only thing was, you didn’t exactly have a medical degree. You knew the basic things to keep yourself alive, and that was practically it. Also, you weren’t even sure if that knowledge could be applied to the Time Lord’s biology. Were they even able to get the flu? Is that what it was? A flu? It seemed kind of dumb to think that a race like the Time Lords, one of the most powerful ones in the universe, could pass out because of a simple cold. Yet, the symptoms were cold–like. High fever, cold sweat…

But you had never seen The Doctor getting ill. Until that moment, you had thought it was impossible for them to get a minor illness. If only she was there with you, maybe she could do something to help him get better. Or, at least, diagnose him. You, on the other hand, had no idea on what you should do.

Looking around, you laid your eyes on the console. It wasn’t a exact copy of the Doctor’s console, the decoration was extremely different, but you could still see that some of the controls were practically the same as hers. You remembered that there was a telephone somewhere in there. She used it sometimes to call the fam. Maybe you could use it to reach her, to let her know that you were okay and inform her of the situation you had in hands.

Maybe she wouldn’t want to help The Master, and you couldn’t blame her if that was the case. Their relationship wasn’t exactly at its peak right now, but it was worth the try.

You were about to get up and walk to the console when you found a blanket lying in the back of a chair. After putting it carefully over The Master, you finally made your way to the console. Sadly, the TARDIS wasn’t exactly human user friendly and the more you looked at the confusing buttons and levers, the more you wished for a ‘How to fly a TARDIS for dummies’ book to exist. As soon as you could be reunited with The Doctor you were going to ask her to teach how to use the damn thing.

Just when you were making your fourth or fifth walk around the console, you found a phone hidden right under it. You took it out of its shelf and dusted it off. Good, you had found a way to reach to her, now the problem was that you didn’t know her number by heart. You closed your eyes as you tried to remember the damn number. You had no luck with it, but you did remember something equally useful.

The TARDIS was a living being herself. She was able to communicate with their occupants as well as just change her interiors at her will.

“Please, help me find The Doctor.” You muttered, looking at the center of her console, begging. “I know she can help The Master. Do it for him. Please.”

A few seconds passed before the TARDIS hummed at you. You supposed it was a friendly interaction, since the phone immediately started to dial. Sighing in relieve, you waited for her to pick up at the other side. The seconds passed. Nothing. No answer.

“Can you please try again?” You politely asked once more.

“What are you still doing here?” His voice sounded weak, yet menacing, when he woke up and found you on his ship. You turned to him and observed him carefully. He clearly wasn’t going through his best moment.

“You passed out.” You clarified.

“That’s not what I asked.” He tried to get up, but he only got enough strength to sit on the couch. He was doing his best to try and keep his balance, but his headache wasn’t helping at all. “I brought you back to Earth, why haven’t you left yet?”

“It looks like you need some help, so I thought I would try–“

As soon as The Master saw you holding his phone, he cut you off. “What are you doing with that?”

“I was trying to call The Doctor, I thought maybe she could help.” You tried to justify yourself, but he didn’t seem very pleased with your answer.

“Don’t you even think of getting her here.” The Master angrily hissed, grabbing onto his side in pain.

You let go of the phone that was still in your hands, worried about his state. You should have imagined that he would have rather die than let The Doctor help him.

“Ok, I won’t call her.” You assured him, noticing that his skin was even paler than before. You had never thought you would see him in that state. So weakened, so defenseless. You almost felt pity for him. “But please, let me help you.”

“Help me?” He mocked you with a quiet laugh. Not even in the state he was he could stop being his cynical self. “You are just a pitiful human. You can’t help me.”

“Let me try.” You insisted. Most people would have given up on him by now, plus you knew your efforts wouldn’t have a reward. He wasn’t the grateful type, that was for sure, but you weren’t planning on letting him die on his own. No one deserved that. Not even him. “What is happening to you?” You asked after a few seconds of silence.

“Are we playing doctors now?” As The Master talked, he could feel the strength leaving his body. It was obvious that his sarcastic answer hadn’t pleased you, judging by the look you gave him. He was doomed anyway, so he decided he might as well keep himself entertained by watching you fail over and over in the attempt of finding a cure for him. “It’s the Cyberium.” He told you.

“What?” You asked in confusion. “What do you mean the Cyberium?”

“As you already know, its last host had gotten a bit… Indisposed.” He let out with a proud smirk, referring to how he had turned the half–converted Cyberman into a tiny doll. “So I kindly offered myself as its new host.”

“That thing almost kills Shelley.” You thought out loud, remembering one of your most recent adventures with The Doctor.

“Because you humans are weak.” He really didn’t pass on a chance to remind you that, did he? “It holds too much information for you to handle. No wonder his mind was melting.”

“To be fair, it looks like you’re also having a rough time handling it.” His eyes gave you one of the coldest stares you had ever received when you stated that.

“It’s not the same.” He assured, gesturing with his hands as he spoke. You supposed that was a good sign, one that showed that he was feeling slightly better. “I am more than capable of holding all its knowledge within me. And believe me, it does have some really interesting ideas.”

“Then why is it making you ill?” You questioned, already trying to think of something that could help him. So far, he wasn’t exactly making things easy for you. “Can’t you just regenerate and heal yourself?”

“I believe the Cyberium is quite disappointed that you and your beloved Doctor have blown our plans.” The Master explained, getting up from where he was sitting and walking to you. His moves were slow and clumsy as he dragged himself to the console. Once he reached his destination, he took a deep breathe to try and regain composure before answering your other question. “It is inside me and it doesn’t have the intention to leave until I’m dead. It wouldn’t let me regenerate. It’s trying to punish me for losing our whole army to that little bomb you and your friends exploded.”

“There’s got to be a way to get it out,” The Master laughed at your words as he placed himself in front of the screen of the console, reading something you couldn’t understand because it was written in Gallifreyan. “a way to get rid of it.”

“That’s exactly what I thought about you, yet here we are.” He sassily responded, not even looking back at you.

“At least I’m trying to think of something.” His attitude was beginning to irritate you. You couldn’t hold back a sigh.

The way he turned to you with eyes full of rage caused you to intuitively jump back. “Well, you shouldn’t force yourself that hard. We don’t want you burning out the one brain cell you have left.”

You crossed your arms in frustration, ready to put up a fight. But when you were just about to ramble back against him, you realized what he was doing, what he always did. He was trying to push you away. It was the oldest trick in the book. Maybe he thought he was better off dealing with this situation alone, or maybe he really thought you were in fact useless. Either way, you had already invested yourself in finding a cure for him. And even if he didn’t want your help, you still knew you could be useful. You were totally on board now.

“I know what you’re doing.” He ignored you when you finally talked again. “You can try all you want, but I’m not leaving. You’re going to have to put up with me.”

The Master watched you as you left the console room and got deeper into the TARDIS, looking for the library so you could make some research on the Cyberium. He was right about you being a complete pain in the ass, but maybe he had underestimated you.

By the time one of your adventures finally had you involved with the MI6, you had completely forgotten about O’s existence. You hadn’t heard a word about him since that time he was video calling The Doctor. But it was normal. The Doctor wasn’t much of an open book, she didn’t usually talk about her past or about her other friendships, and you had learned not to ask. It was no surprise that she didn’t talk you about him.

Besides, you were too busy visiting other planets on a daily basis, you didn’t exactly have time to think about the handsome stranger you had talked to once through a screen. You hadn’t even met him in person.

It wasn’t until The Doctor mentioned him to another agent called C that he popped back into your head.

Apparently, O had had a fall out with the rest of MI6 and was working from an unknown location. Well, unknown to his fellow agents. The Doctor just sent him a voice message and in a few seconds she got back a picture… Of a fish? As weird as it was you had to admit you had seen way weirder things with her.

Agent C was giving you more information on the case he was assigning you when he suddenly got shot by a sniper.

You and the rest of your friends were quick to run to the TARDIS, being as fast as you could on your escape. If someone had murdered one of the leaders of MI6 just like that, you sure were an easy target. When you all got inside of the safety of The Doctor’s ship, she started to process that picture of a fish she had showed you earlier. As it turned out, the picture was in fact a coded message. Some coordinates, actually.

But there was another concern hunting you and your friends right know. An antropomorphic figure made of light was trying to get into the TARDIS, and not even The Doctor knew what it was. Luckily, she did know how to get temporally rid of it. After doing so, she started to organize you all, sending Yaz and Ryan to investigate Daniel Barton, CEO of VOR and taking you and Graham with her to meet O.

Well, this day was getting more and more interesting.

In just a few seconds after dropping your friends in San Francisco, you were in Australia. Following right behind The Doctor, you just looked around you, seeing that you were in the middle of the desert. And right in front of you was O, with two other agents. He was shorter than you had imagined him, but still quite attractive.

“I see you decoded the fish.” He greeted your friend with a smile, which she returned. “Fancy a cuppa?”

“Very much.” The Doctor gladly accepted his proposal. “Hello! This is my friend Graham, and I believe you already know Y/N.”

“O.” He introduced himself to Graham while politely shaking his hand.

“Sorry, you’re…?”

“O.” The agent repeated several times until Graham figured out that ‘O’ was in fact his name. “It was… A joke, by the others at MI6.” He began to explain. “Whenever I came into the room to meet C, he’d go ‘Oh God…’” You laughed at his anecdote while shaking his hand. “It sort of stuck and now I’ve owned it.” He smiled at you as he finished telling his story.

He then proceeded to introduce the two agents from the Australian secret service that were with him, but The Doctor didn’t seem really interested in them. “Can I take a nose around your gaff?” She asked and took off without even giving O time to answer. Graham followed her closely.

“Is she always that spontaneous?” He asked you.

“You get used to it.” You assured him in response as you watched your friend get inside of the house. Both you and O started to make your way inside too. “It’s nice finally meeting you in person.”

“You too.” O dedicated you a warm smile.

“I wish we met under better circumstances though.” You added, nervously putting some hair behind your ear. “You know, one in which aliens weren’t threatening to end the world as we know it.”

“Well, you’ve got to admit there’s some thrill about this whole situation.” He said, looking in your direction.

“That’s true.” Your smile grew bigger. “But there always is when you travel with The Doctor.”

“How so?” He raised an eyebrow, intrigued.

“Things tend to get chaotic real quick.”

“And is that a bad thing?” You saw him smiling at you and looked away, feeling a bit embarrassed.

“Not necessarily.” You shrugged. “I kind of like chaotic.”

“It must be really interesting travelling with The Doctor.” O pointed out with the biggest smile on his face. “Maybe you could tell me about your adventures with her sometime.”

“Sure, as long as you tell me a few stories about your work on MI6.” As you both reached the door of his house, he opened it, letting you go first.”

“Oh, I mainly worked as an analyst.” He clarified. “But if you’re still interested I can show you some of my work.” You gave him a kind smile as you nodded, truly interested about his work. “Would you also like a cup of tea?”

As crazy as it seemed, The Masters’ TARDIS liked you. Well, you supposed she did. Maybe she just wanted you to figure out a way to cure The Master, your weren’t really sure. The point was that she was being very helpful, in opposition to the Time Lord.

While she helped you find The Master’s library and even created a room for you to rest in, The Master spent every waken second trying to push you over the limit, to make you give up. He didn’t have the slightest hope that you could find a way to help him. Mainly because not even he could find a cure for himself, so he knew there was no way you could come up with a realistic, practical solution.

If he couldn’t think of anything to get out of that situation, no one could. No stupid human pet of The Doctor’s could be able to outsmart him. He would rather die than to see that happen. And it was most likely to end that way.

Yet, nothing he could do or say seemed to persuade you to drop everything and leave. And it was not because he wasn’t trying. With the little strength he still had, he tried to torment you time and time again. Maybe if he had been in a better state, he could have gotten you to leave, but he barely could stand on his feet for more than a few minutes and you didn’t seemed to be bother at all by him.

Soon, The Master had fallen asleep again. The Cyberium could end him instantly, but it had chosen to torture him, to give him a slow and painful death. You thanked the quietness that his nearly coma state brought as you finally put yourself to study. You needed to know what the Cyberium was exactly, how it had been created, and most importantly, how to kill it without hurting its host.

Unluckily for you, the history of the Cybermen was surprisingly wide and the Cyberium was described more like an urban legend than something real. According to the only paragraph that talked about it, the Cyberium was the essence of all the cyberknowledge personified and the Cyberman that hosted it would be the one that lead its race to the total control of the universe.

“You must be the most irritating human to ever exist.” You heard The Master’s voice as he did his best to keep himself awake, the Cyberium attacking every cell of his body. You kept reading, ignoring him completely as you waited for him to fall asleep again. You had learned that that was the best way to deal with him. “No wonder The Doctor left you to die on Gallifrey.”

Those words hit closer than they should have.

“I told her to.” Without looking away from the book in your hands, you reminded him.

“It’s true.” He admitted, turning his head to you. “But she didn’t put much of a resistance, did she? You just told her to leave and she did.” The Master sadistically laughed. “If you ask me, she was taking an enormous weight off of her shoulders. And she was well aware of it.”

You could feel tears forming in your eyes as he spoke, but you did your best not to give him the reaction he was looking for. The Master was playing tricks with you and you couldn’t let yourself fall for them.

“I mean, she didn’t hesitate to leave you not only to die, but to die with me,” He continued, pushing harder. “knowing what I am capable of.”

“Are you capable of shutting up?” Your voice came out showing you more vulnerable than you would have wanted to sound.

“You don’t know The Doctor like I do.” He laughed again, even though it made every muscle on his body ache. “Not even she knows herself like I do. You were a burden. You had been for a long time, but she didn’t know how to get rid of you. Guess I made her a favor.” The Master observed you closely, waiting for you to finally melt down. “I know you felt it too. You were dispensable. The weakest link. That’s why it was so easy for me to approach to you as O.” You instantly stood up, closing the book with a loud noise and wiping away the few tears that were running down your face. “I didn’t have to do anything, and you were at my feet. You would have done anything I would have asked you to, wouldn’t you?”

“Shut up.” You demanded, taking your things and making your way to the interior of the TARDIS.

“Where are you going?” The Master asked when he saw you taking the book with you. He was hoping he had finally pushed you hard enough for you to leave, but apparently not.

“Somewhere where I can work in silence.” You held the book close to your chest, The Master sighing at your relentless attitude.

“Why won’t you give up?” He asked, his voice making you stop instantly in the place you were standing. “What do I have to do for you to leave me alone?”

“I don’t give up.” You simply said after swallowing the lump in your throat. “There’s only two things you can do to get rid of me, you either get better or you die. Whatever happens first.”

“I should have left you on Gallifrey.” His eyes were full of hate as he watched you clean your tears away. Human emotions were absolutely pathetic.

“Well, maybe you should have.”

“You know if I were in your position and you were the one dying, I would kill you myself.” His breathing was heavy, getting more upset by moments.

“I’m not you.” You reminded him. “The Doctor taught me to never give up and to help those in need, no matter what. Even if it’s you the one that needs help.” Your fingers dug on the book’s cover as you tried to relieve some tension. “I’m not doing this for you, and not even for her. I’m doing this for me, because these are my values.” You were about to leave the console room when you stopped again and looked The Master in the eye. “By the way, you have had several opportunities to kill me today and if I recall it correctly, all you did was get me out of the dying ruins of your home planet and bring me back to mine safe and sound. If you really mean to kill me, you’re doing a terrible job at it.”

The Master smiled as he watched you finally leave the control room. He didn’t know you had that in you.

The sun was rising outside and you had barely had a few hours of sleep.

It had been a crazy night, and not the good kind of crazy. It wasn’t every night that you were attacked by creatures made of light, you got to trap one to study them and then Yaz switched places with it. The Doctor was still trying to understand what they were and what they wanted, or how had they brought Yaz all the way from San Francisco to Australia in the blink of an eye. It had been a long night that had created more questions and given you no answers.

You had been talking to Yaz for a while, trying to be there for her as she told you about the place those creatures had taken her to. She seemed quite unsettled and, sadly, you couldn’t do much to calm her down. After a little chat with her on the front porch of O’s house, you decided to leave her some space and get back inside.

“Good morning.” You heard O’s voice coming from his little kitchen as he made some tea. “Want some?”

“Morning, and yes please.” You sat close to him, rubbing your eyes as a yawn escaped your lips. “I could really use one cup of tea now.”

“Did you get any sleep at all?” He asked in a worried tone as he poured some water to boil.

“Like an hour or two.” You held your head between your hands, elbows on the wooden table, as you did your best to stay awake. You raised your look to him, worried about him. O wasn’t used to all this craziness, so you couldn’t imagined what that night had been like for him. “How about you?”

“About the same.” O sat across from you while he waited for the water to start boiling. “Is your friend okay?”

“She will be.” You assured. “She’s one of the strongest people I know.”

“And how are you?” That question caught you by surprise.

“I’m holding up.” He looked at you with sympathetic eyes as he heard your answer. “I have seen a lot of things, but never something like these creatures.”

“That makes two of us, if it’s any consolation.” O said with a kind smile. “Apart from The Doctor, this is the first time that I see extraterrestrial live right in front of my own eyes.”

“It’s a bit crazy, isn’t it? Everyone denying the possibility of life on other planets when there’s actually so many species you can’t even know them all.” You sighed, immersed in your own thoughts. “For all we know, human race could have come from out of space too.”

“I’ve been gathering alien evidence half of my life.” He told you, looking at you in the eye. “And everyone treated me like I was crazy.”

“3 years ago I would have probably treated you like that too.” You admitted, remembering your life before meeting The Doctor. You had always been kind of skeptical, but your life had changed for the better when you found out about everything that was really out there. “But joke’s completely on all of us now.”

O laughed slightly as he got up to the sound of boiling water. He poured the hot liquid into two cups, handing you one. You thanked him with a kind smile.

“Why did you move to Australia?” You asked him as you stirred the sugar in your tea with a spoon. “Couldn’t you work from London or anywhere else in the UK?”

“I never really liked the city.” He confessed, taking a sip of his own cup. “Too many noise. I work better from here, in the middle of the desert.”

“Doesn’t it get lonely?” You asked without thinking about it. When you realized how your question might be perceived, you looked down at your cup and took a sip, trying to hide your embarrassment.

“Sometimes.” He replied, his smile not leaving his face. “But it’s for the best.”

The light was starting to come through the windows as you both had breakfast in silence. If it had been any other person, you would have felt awkward being in silence for so long. You would had probably forced yourself into some small talk to try and fill the silence. But for some reason you felt comfortable there with him. Just having breakfast without saying a word.

“How long have you known The Doctor, Y/N?” He asked you when you had both finished your cup of tea.

“It’s hard to tell.” You sighed, trying to calculate how long had passed in your own personal time line. “Things don’t happen in a straight line inside the TARDIS. Time loses all of its meaning.” O looked at you with questioning eyes. Maybe The Doctor hadn’t told him about time travel, you thought. “How much do you know about all of that?”

“A bit.” He shrugged. “Our paths crossed very briefly once when she was a man.”

“What do you mean ‘when she was a man’?” Disbelieve took over you as you tried to understand what was going on.

“Oh.” The smile left momentarily his face. “She never mentioned that?”

“I didn’t know she meant that for real.” The both of you laughed. “With her, you never really know when she’s being serious.”

“Her species has this ability, a way to escape death.” O began to explain you. “When their life is in danger, they change every cell of their body, giving them a random new face. They call it ‘regeneration’” Amazed, you opened your eyes as he spoke. “I’ve been trying to gather information about her too.”

“I kind of want to know what she looked like as a man.” You bit your lip as curiosity aroused in you.

“I was able to get some photos of some of her previous regenerations.” He stood up and walked to a shelf in which he had a bunch of papers piled up. “This whole shelf is full with all the information I could gather of her. There are a lot of inconsistencies, but it’s still really, really interesting” You looked at the documents almost like if you were starving and they were a delicious buffet placed in front of you. “Do you wanna have a look?” You energetically nodded as he offered you a way to satisfy your curiosity.

O took the folders and brought them to you, letting them on the table and taking the empty cups to the sink. You grabbed one of them and opened it to find the photo of a man in a brown suit next to a young blonde woman.

“Wow.” You couldn’t hold back the exclamation as you eyed the page in front of you. “Is this what she looked like when you met her?” You asked O as you pointed the man in the picture.

“Not exactly.” The agent shook his head. “She has had many faces. That is just one of them.”

You kept reading the papers in front of you, finding out more about The Doctor’s past. There was a lot of facts about The Doctor that you could have never imagined, so many names, so many organizations related to your friend. You were half through the first page when you stopped reading and put the paper away.

“I feel like I shouldn’t be reading this.” You sighed, feeling guilty. “Isn’t this like a violation of her privacy?”

“No.” He was quick to respond. “In fact, it’s not that you should, you must know all you possibly can about her. You travel with her, you risk your life every day for her. How can you let your life in hands of someone who hides her past from you?” Your gaze switched between the papers in front of you and O’s eyes, thinking about his words. “Do you know where she’s from?”

“She’s from…” You hesitated, not being able to remember the name at first. “Gallifrey. She has mentioned it sometime.”

“What do you know about Gallifrey? Have you ever been?” He asked you, his tone more inquisitive than it usually was.

“Not much. Just what The Doctor said about it.” You recalled the few conversations with your friend. “I believe she mentioned there are two suns instead of just one… But The Doctor never took us there.”

“I think I might know why.” O handed you another file about your friend’s home planet. You eyed it. “It was placed in the constellation of Kasterborous and it was home to the Time Lords, The Doctor’s species.”

“Was?” You asked when you realized that he was using the past tense.

“Something terrible happened to Gallifrey.” He pointed the picture of an enormous dome in an orange sky. “There was a war and–“

“Come on, you two. Everyone out front. Lots to chat up on.” The Doctor surprised you by coming out of the TARDIS. You quickly dropped the sheet in your hands and hid it in its folder. “I made ice tea. Possibly.”

Holding the large glass in her hands, she made her way out of the house as you and O rushed to clean up the mess of documents on the table. You helped him put the folders back to the shelf where they were before.

You were making your way outside when O stopped you by grabbing your wrist. He leant over your ear, careful not to be overheard by anyone.

“I’ll tell you the rest when we get a chance of being alone.”

#Doctor Who #Doctor Who fanfic #Dhawan!Master #Dhawan!Master x reader #Dhawan!Master x you #Dhawan!Master fanfic #The Master #Master x reader #Master x you #dhawan master x reader #dhawan master x you #Sacha Dhawan #Sacha Dhawan x reader #Sacha Dhawan x you #Doctor Who imagine #DhawanMaster imagine #Dhawan master imagine

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your-brilliant-lady-m · 4 years ago

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South Korean music industry at a glance: an outsider perspective

I watched one particular AMV last week. The song used for the video was “I’m afraid” by Korean rock band DAY6. I was pleasantly surprised as someone who values lyrics in song first and foremost. The music itself was great. I’ll listen to their songs again. It’s a nice fit for my music taste. Naturally, YouTube’s algorithm decided that I’m a fan of everything Korean after 1 video and started spamming my recommendations with k-pop songs, documentaries and everything in-between.

I watched a couple of videos, listened to some songs and discovered fascinating patterns. So, I went down to the comment section. And it was rather interesting experience, should I say? The concept of entertainment industry in South Korea simply begged to be explored more after this. I dug deeper and visited Tumblr k-pop tags and briefly glanced upon Instagram and Twitter. And, oh...

I am a big picture person and I enjoy both studying and creating systems. This one was particularly fun to explore. I discovered a lot of new things for myself. Perhaps, you can discover something new for yourself too or take a step back and look at this from a new angle.

Disclaimer: it’s impossible not to offend someone on Tumblr, so keep that in mind. That being said, I do NOT intend to insult of offend anyone. It’s just a little research done for fun, because I love research with a purpose. This post is NOT A HATE post. No hate intended for fans, artists or other people involved. It’s meant to be a discussion, nothing more and nothing less. If it sounds like hate, it’s just my sarcastic sense of humour.

Content Warning: I mention suicide, death, depression, rape in a couple of sentences. There’s nothing major or graphic, but it’s there.

In this long post I decided to share with you my opinion, a so-called outsider perspective, on the world of music entertainment industry in South Korea and people involved in it on different levels. I use the word “outsider” mainly because, that’s exactly what I am in this case, as someone who is in no way involved in k-pop community. I can’t name you a single band or their members. I don’t know any solo artist and can’t neither sing nor name you any song.

And to be completely honest, I don’t think I will set my foot into k-pop fan-circles ever again after everything I saw.

Think of this as “In this essay I will...” meme, except there’s an actual essay.

As far as I know, in South Korea “k-pop” refers to all music produced in SK, including solo artists, various bands, singers-songwriters. It doesn’t even have to be pop music. Koreans include in this definition all genres of music. However, around the world “k-pop” means primarily music made by idol groups and bands marketed for children, teenagers and younger people. In this post I use the latter definition, because that’s how most people understand “k-pop” in other countries. Therefore, my statements, opinions and conclusions here would concern only idol music.

The music industry in South Korea is heavily influenced by culture and traditions of the country, just like all things are. And there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, different backgrounds are what makes people so interesting and unique. However, when combined with consumer mindset, desire to generate profit at any cost and fast-paced nature of modern life these neutral cultural elements could produce something concerning, and it can lead to disastrous consequences.

1. Idol

These people are called artists, musicians, singers, bands, groups, performers. In South Korea and in Japan, however, people call them Idols or Stars. I’ve also seen Muses, Princes and Queens. Interesting, isn’t it? The terminology used to describe these musicians in South Korea is one of the key elements in this whole entertainment system. You’ll see why.

But who or what is an idol exactly? Let’s take a basic definition from Wikipedia.

“In the practice of religion, a cult image or devotional image is a human-made object that is venerated or worshipped for the deity, person, spirit or daemon ... that it embodies or represents. In several traditions, including the ancient religions of Egypt, Greece and Rome, and modern Hinduism, cult images in a temple may undergo a daily routine of being washed, dressed, and having food left for them. Processions outside the temple on special feast days are often a feature. Religious images cover a wider range of all types of images made with a religious purpose, subject, or connection. In many contexts "cult image" specifically means the most important image in a temple, kept in an inner space, as opposed to what may be many other images decorating the temple.

The term idol is often synonymous with worship cult image. In cultures where idolatry is not viewed negatively, the word idol is not generally seen as pejorative, such as in Indian English.”

Cambridge Dictionary defines idol as follows:

And here’s the definition from Oxford Dictionary:

This is a centrepiece of this tapestry. Surely, you have noticed by now what these definitions have in common.

Idol = a cult image of a god, a deity

By calling these musicians “idols” industry makes society and audience treat them in certain way, namely as gods. What characteristics do gods possess? They are beautiful, talented, funny, confident and graceful, blessed by eternal youth of immortality. Gods have no flaws, they do not bleed, they are above human concerns. They are an embodiment of perfection. They are stars, you could not reach.

But real people are not like that. They can be sad and angry, insecure. People don’t have perfectly symmetrical faces. They can’t dance in sync without preparation. They can’t sing like angels at any given moment throughout the day.

What happens when idols accidentally reveal their humanity? What happens when people see, that they make mistakes and do stupid things, that they need to train hard to appear graceful on stage?

I will tell you. And it’s not pretty. But, first, let’s look at other elements of this system.

2. Y/N and Self-insert fantasy

Aside from the music, K-pop sells the self-insert fantasy to the audience. It’s carefully arranged to appear real, where the cracks are masked and every word is scripted. The reality is so vivid that one doesn’t even have to use imagination all that much, because all scenarios and decorations already exist. Countless interviews for TV and magazines, fan meetings, talk shows, reality shows made sure people are privy to all juicy details of personal lives and opinions of musicians. And also one word - merchandise. Some of that merch made me question my life choices. Some of it is, ah, creepy or has weird vibes. All of this provides plenty of material for people to work with. Fans can effortlessly imagine themselves beside their idols or even in their place.

In a highly competitive society, where people throw themselves into studying and work since young age, forming deep and lasting connections with others is very hard, sometimes impossible. As a result, people long to have a group of close friends with similar interests, a loving partner who would cherish them endlessly. People want to be rewarded for their backbreaking efforts to succeed by the carefree life of fame and music, everlasting friendships and love. And in a way you can’t really blame them for his.

Does this dream life sound familiar? We are looking at K-pop bands here. It doesn’t really matter if their members don’t always get along or that they can live in debt, that fame is fickle and adoring fans can tear your self-confidence to shreds. Audience wants the glamour of fantasy and the industry is more than happy to cater to these desires.

Perhaps, knowing that even for idols this fantasy is sometimes unattainable makes the whole set up feel just a little cruel.

3. Fans, stans and fandom culture

We’ve already established earlier that idols are gods in the eyes of people and listed traits they must possess. So, what else do gods need to exist? Worshippers. Because a cult is worth nothing without its followers. Gods need a group of people to worship them and spread their beliefs. The role of worshippers is performed by a fans in this case.

Apparently, there is a running joke that girl groups need to win a general public popularity and boy bands need a big passionate fandom. It seems to be true according to my observations.

In k-pop fandom people use the word “stan” to state that they like or support particular group. Now, I am sure everyone here knows that in other fandoms, dedicated to movies, shows, books and games there’s an important distinction between being a “fan” and a “stan”. What is it?

A fan is someone who likes a ship or character, creates and/or consumes fandom content, supports certain ideas, discusses things they enjoyed and disliked, criticises canon. Stans, however, are a different breed. They engage in all typical fandom activities, but their support and enjoyment becomes obsession. Stans believe their favourite characters and ships are immune to criticism, that they are superior no matter what others say. Stans start shipping wars, send anon hate, death threats over fictional characters and hurt real people. Stans are considered toxic fans. And majority of normal civilised people don’t like them and try their best to let stans hang out in their echo chamber by themselves.

In other fandoms and communities, to be a fan means to love, support and enjoy something, while to stan means to obsess over and hyperfixate on these same things. Words “I stan” rarely mean “I support” for most people, and if they do mean that, it’s only used in a joking manner (”We stan procrastination legend!”, “I stan our miscommunication kings”).

Everywhere else “stan” has only negative connotations, except in k-pop. But what has changed? What’s the difference? Why do international fans scoff at “shipper stans” and then turn around calling themselves “stans of X k-pop group” at the same time? Does it make you wonder?

And this is another core theme of k-pop, in my opinion. In fandom where stan = obsession = support, you can see interesting patterns.

Fandom loves their flawless gods. But watching them from afar is not enough for some people, because unlike deities in different religions, these gods live among us. People are very much aware of that. Industry has created a cult and laid the groundwork for worshippers to express their adoration in every way including personal contact. And who wouldn’t want to meet their god? Who wouldn’t want to know more about them or tell them how much you love them? In talk shows and fan meetings there is only so much one can do after all.

People desire to know more, to have more so much that their obsession transforms into concerning stalker tendencies. These crazy individuals follow idols, stalk them on social media, in hotels, research flight numbers, bribe security. Musicians were attacked and poisoned. I strongly suspect there were cases of rape that no one knows about. There is even a special term for these fans - “sasaeng”.

Is there a definition for stalkers of actors or musicians in western world? No, I’m pretty sure there isn’t. They are just called “invasive/obsessive fans” or “stalkers”.

Also, there are sasaeng memes. Yeah, you heard that right. I enjoy some classy dark humour as much as the next person, but there is a fine line between normal and questionable.

Back to the topic of stalkers. Do you realise how disturbing that is? Such behaviour is so common that there is a term for it. You create a fandom-cult, encourage people to worship k-pop idols as gods and then act surprised when members of said cult become fanatics and their adoration becomes obsession.

And it’s so easy to step on this slippery road. The system makes it ridiculously easy. Lines begin to blur. How much is too much? Where do you draw the line?

While sasaeng fans engage in extreme real-life obsession, people online aren’t that far off, to be honest. I’ve seen it all: imagines, headcanons, fanfiction, real-person shipping, reactions. Real person shipping is a controversial topic. Some people support it, others don’t. I suppose I’m among those who don’t get it. I’m not exactly against it, but I find it strange. Mainly because it’s based on assumptions made by fans about personalities and behaviour of real people.

Assumptions. Dear me! K-pop fandom has this thing with video compilations. I’ve never seen this phenomenon being so widespread in any other community or fandom. Basically people edit together a collection of short clips from talk-shows, interviews, Instagram stories, some YouTube videos, etc and then proceed to analyse every gesture, word, facial expression of idols and provide both audio and on-screen commentary. These videos and many other forms of similar analysis allow people to imagine what kind of personalities idols have, what kind of life do they live. It’s the source material for fanfiction, imagines and headcanons.

But it’s not real. It’ll never be real. It’s an illusion, an image, a stage persona. They fall in love with a face and made up personality. And I think that when people create this content they can forget this. Fans can develop certain emotional dependence and unhealthy attitudes in the long run. In some YouTube comments even supportive and encouraging words sound whiny and obsessive. And semantics of being a “stan” of certain group or individual doesn’t help.

4. Industry, companies and liars

At last we arrive at the most important aspect of music entertainment industry - its creators.

Have you seen “The Road to El Dorado”? It’s one of my all time favourites. It has iconic characters, adult jokes that I didn’t get as a child and iconic soundtrack. I’ll quote “It’s Tough To Be A God” a lot here.

In South Korea music industry is a factory, the production line to be exact. This kind of set up affects everything in the grand scheme of things. Companies and agencies play the role of training centres and record labels. And there are so many of them that a whole new scamming system developed based around fake idol agencies. It implies that there are people who fall for offers of these agencies and continue to do so. I suspect that victims must pay a fortune upfront before they realise their mistake. Are there any kind of legal protection against such scams? How can people verify the authenticity? Because a well masked scam can exist for a long time before someone discovers it and calls them out on their nonsense.

As far as I understand legal companies work like this. After high school, which is often focused on performing arts (and private schools can get away with using talents of students for personal gain, which is totally not surprising), young people can audition for an agency and become an idol in training or idol-trainee. And passing audition is hard. But good recommendations can help, connections too.

During training you don’t get paid. Only a few companies pay aspiring musicians. People can spend years in training and don’t debut. But rent, necessities, clothing and food (not that you need much of it, but more on that later) cost a lot. Where do you get the money to live then? Support from parents, one or two part time jobs at most and bank loans. Surprise! We found an unexpected (just kidding, it’s very obvious) party, who reaps benefits from the system.

You need skill to be an idol. Natural talent helps too. The more skills you have, the cheaper and faster your training is. To level up your game you attend classes every month offered by your agency, which are not cheap (dance classes range from 400$ to 1000$ per month, sometimes more). There are four main categories in evaluation process: vocals, rapping, dancing and visuals. Idols are multitaskers, to have a chance on stage one must be perfect at everything. And people are ready to invest thousands of dollars into their kids training so that they could have a chance in entertainment industry. South Korea thrives on revenue k-pop industry generates every day.

Let’s pause here for a second and think about what kind of people come to these agencies. The answer is easy. People who have a dream, a desire, a real goal. You don’t wake up one day and decide to become a k-pop idol. Sometimes people get invited by agencies (after prior acting, modelling career or any other form of exposure). These people are usually very young. Some start straight after high school, some after university, but 25 years old is considered a late start. Compare that to western musicians who start singing at any age and still become famous.

But why this age limit? Because idols are eternally young. So that in public eye musicians are remembered as 20 year old gods. People would listen to their music and imagine a young attractive face. Career in k-pop is short, it lasts 5-7 years, rarely longer than that. It’s even less than modelling or acting can offer. And professional sportsmen retire in their late 30′s. Some play longer, but usually, that’s it.

If you live in Los Angeles and say that you want to be an actor or performer, no one would bat an eye. It’s like saying that you want to be an engineer or accountant. Similarly, in South Korea becoming an k-pop musician is a real career. Because part of the self insert fantasy that the industry sells is the idea that anyone can be an idol. It’s easy after all. Anyone can pass auditions and become a trainee. A trainee with no guarantee of debut. But one should never underestimate the power of idol-dream. After all, idea is the most resilient parasite.

“My friends started training in kindergarten. They have wanted to become idols since young”

“A lot of young kids get interested in Korean music”

A 6-year old child sees the performance of k-pop group for the first time on TV. Let’s say it’s a girl. She is enraptured and decides that she will be like that too someday. She grows up, while being part of the fandom, just like all idols are in one way or another and whose fan-obsession transforms into desire to succeed. Her parents spend time and money to find her tutors, to fund dancing and singing classes. Perhaps in high school this girl decides to fix the shape of her eyes and make nose straighter. She trains hard and passes the auditions in her dream agency. And during training this girl faces the reality of behind the scenes life in music industry.

“Why are you crying? I’m not even pushing you”

“How many times have I told you? The rest are doing it perfectly”

“She is dancing like an elementary school student“

“I watched your performance as a spectator who bought a ticket to your concert. I want a refund“

“You make my ears hurt. I don’t want to listen at all”

“Listening to you was tiring”

“I’ll kick you out instead. You won’t debut”

“I thought I was going to die. That’s how determined I was”

While I do understand that keeping a high quality standards in media industry is important, there are more productive and healthy ways to motivate someone to improve and be more passionate, you know? Constantly insulting people with sadistic glee and putting them down at every opportunity or calling them ugly to their face doesn’t do much.

Do you think that children know about this? Do they know about soulless teachers and belittling managers? Do they know about friends who are really your competition, so you shouldn’t get attached? Do they know about living in debt? Do they know any of this? No, I don’t think they do.

Children dream about the stage, about the sea of lights and crowds who chant your names. They want adoring fans and photoshoots. They want to appear on TV and magazine covers. Teenagers want the thrill of performance, they want to share their music and dancing with others.

“I don’t know how many times I cried alone”

The truth is cruel. But they won’t give up easily even if it means sleeping 4-5 hours and consuming no more than 500 calories per day. Because giving up means that your whole life was a lie. One can’t afford not to be good enough. Giving up means admitting that all efforts and money your family invested into your dream were in vain. It means losing face before your family and friends - a fate worse than death. Imagine living this idol dream and building your whole future around it and then being told that you’ll never debut because of the circumstances outside of your control or something minor, like face shape or 1 kg of weight that your body refuses to lose. It can break you. Especially if you are like 18 or something.

5. “And who am I to bridle if I'm forced to be an idol If they say that I'm a God, that's what I am”

“I don’t think there’s anything a tough as being a trainee in Korea”

Once you are a trainee at the agency your personal life does not belong to you anymore. You can’t go out without permission of the agency. You phone is taken away. Your diet and weight are monitored. Bad habits are not allowed (no smoking, drinking or drugs). Oh! I think I found the good thing in the system! Unfortunately, it won’t last. Trainees can’t date or meet with family without permission of agency. Dating is very taboo. Even established idols can’t openly date.

Why is that? Because gods can’t belong to anyone. Their lives are property of the fandom. Because openly dating idols destroy the self-insert fantasy. There was a former idol girl who dated another musician. She was called a whore by her fans, her loving and adoring stans. You might know who I am talking about. Would you call an American actor or singer a prostitute for dating someone?

Trainees sign the contract. And how can a young person straight out of school or university know much about what makes a good contract in entertainment industry or what makes a good contract in general? Even if you do understand the terms fully you would still sign it because if you have come so far, you can’t let your dream slip this easily. There isn’t a choice. Not really. If you want to debut, you will agree to anything.

What about life after debut? You have to pay off your loans. And company takes 60-70% of your group’s earnings. Artists themselves get 30-40% and split it between themselves. K-pop groups have from 5 to 10 members or more than that. Each person gets less than 6%. Idols are not filthy rich. They are not. These earnings are practically nothing compared to the work you have put into this.

Idols are musicians, who often don’t even write their own songs, music or create choreography. But if public doesn’t like the song and musical number the company created, they blame idols for the failure. Such an amazing logic we see right here. But people say that sharing music is the best part of idol life. But whose music?

Models on catwalk are not there to demonstrate their physical beauty, they are blank canvas for works of clothing designers. Same with k-pop musicians. They act like puppets in a way, whose faces and voices are used to show audience someone’s music and songs. Some groups do write their own music and lyrics and it’s nice to know that. But those, who don’t are rather unfortunate. It’s a nice tool of psychological control and pressure for an agency. They can hold it over group and use the following rhetoric: “We gave you everything! Why can’t you follow the simple instructions” or “Where would you be without us? It’s not even your music!”

I called k-pop industry a factory. That’s true. Dozens of people become trainees every year. These talented young people are fully prepared to do anything to achieve their goal. They are ready to practice until they collapse, starve themselves and pour themselves into every song. Companies know that. Tell me why would they value their idols as individuals, as people, as human beings if they always have a replacement? Why bother with mental health of their artists if next year they could have a fresh set of people, who are younger and prettier? Why try to improve relationships inside groups if you could fire any member and replace them within a month or two?

In western countries famous bands have different stories. Some were friends since high school, who played in bars and during festivals and then they were noticed by some representative of label company, who offered them a contract. Some groups were formed by like-minded people who bonded and decided to share their music with the world. There are many stories, but ultimately the have one thing in common. Bands in the West often form themselves. These people had time to bond, connect, discover each other, solve some disagreements and learn to work around their differences.

K-pop groups are formed by their agencies. They are their property in a way. Company selects the best and puts together these total strangers, appoints the leader with marketable face and personality and then expects them to work together like a well-oiled machine. No one has time to bond during training, because other people are you competition, not friends. And then you must learn to work as a team and be best friends on camera for the audience to support the self-insert fantasy. It’s no wonder that k-pop groups don’t get along sometimes. And every member knows that they are replaceable. It doesn’t help in forming connections. Groups can’t just terminate contract and go to work with another agency. I heard it happens sometimes, but it’s not a done thing. Unlike in other countries where bands just sign the deal with a different label and release their music under their name if they don’t like the old conditions.

“It's tough to be a God But if you get the people's nod Count your blessings, keep them sweet, that's our advice Be a symbol of perfection Be a legend, be a cult Take their praise, take a collection As the multitudes exalt Don a supernatural habit We'd be crazy not to grab it So sign up two new Gods for paradise”

But is it really a paradise?

Idols are expected to act cute, to match personalities created for them by fans or media. They have to act according to the concept of their group. They have to be a symbol of perfection: skinny, single and with a face perfected by surgery. They are allowed to mess up, but only in a cute way. They can break down and cry, but only if it’s “aesthetic”.

Weight issues are a separate topic. Sometimes I wonder whether managers in companies understand how weight loss or human body in general works. To be honest, I think that scales in agencies are rigged. And only managers know that. I know it can be done from personal experience. Some beach resorts tweak their scales and make them show 4-6 kg less than actual weight, so people wouldn’t get upset if they gain some. There is no way a girl as tall as I am (173 cm) could weigh like 47-50 kg and be able to perform complex choreography on stage and sing without being out of breath, visit the gym on a regular basis and generally function as a normal human without fainting every other day.

“I developed a lot of eating disorders”

“I think I consumed about 300 calories today“

“Someone, please, trim the fat off her arms”

If you grow up thinking of idols as gods and then, when you become one of them you think that you must act as one too. But being an easily replaceable god is a heavy burden. The industry, companies and audience want you to be perfect, to always be on your best behaviour. And the thought of not being good enough or divine enough terrifies you, because stans have no mercy (black ocean concept is the most stupid thing ever by the way). This kind of pressure can destroy even the most resilient. And it does.

Almost everyone knows that situation with mental health in South Korea is not the best to put it lightly. In many ways it’s a cultural thing. But in k-pop mental health issues are treated with even less care. Gods are not supposed to be depressed or suicidal. They are not supposed to have fears or insecurities, can’t be upset or angry. They try hard to be this deity, this image. So, even when they realise they need professional help or even a friend to talk to, they either won’t seek said help or reach out only to be met with silence. Some agencies disapprove or forbid therapy altogether.

Sometimes fandom becomes self-aware.

“Don’t forget that idols are people too!”

“Your favourite idols are running out of breath just to keep you entertained“

“They are humans, who have feelings!”

Oh, but here’s the thing, my friend. The industry doesn’t want you to think of them as people. Companies and media repeatedly reinforce the idea that they are not people, they are your idols. And strangely enough, the audience supports this idea. People continue to call them idols, developing worshiping tendencies in the process, imitate them, scrutinise their flaws and triumphs. Because, you know, only “real and ordinary humans” can have flaws, not “idols”.

So people who say “they are human too” and people who say “wow, this concert was amazing, but vocals in the beginning were so off-key, I simply can’t” are one and the same.

This thought process would have been funny if it wasn’t so disappointing. But that’s just my observation.

And here’s another thing about sexualisation. I said before how appearances are everything, marketable face and body could drastically improve your chances to succeed. Companies know about this too and concepts and aesthetics of groups are designed accordingly. Girls are dressed in skimpy outfits, their dances are unnecessary suggestive, they wear heavy make up and try to have “mature” vibes. Boys don’t avoid such objectification either: suits, tight pants and dress shirts along with make up and hairstyle to give audience a promise of the things to come. Grown adults are not supposed to lust after 15-17 year olds. You can’t just create a sexy stage persona for teenagers. Do you remember my earlier words about creepy merch? Yeah. All of it neatly plays into the self-insert fantasy and encourages obsessive behaviour.

This happens in western countries too. In some way that’s understandable. Beautiful and sexy image with a hint of innocence attracts more people and sells, because it caters to one of the base human instincts. But some things make your skin crawl.

Sponsorships are another topic. Some k-pop bands seek out sponsors to provide financial aid and cover expenses, when earnings are not enough. Sometimes these sponsorships are fine, perfectly civil. But sometimes it’s a prostitution. Girl groups receive money and provide sexual favours to their patrons. It’s a way for the group to gain financial support and even find new opportunities in the industry. Companies can encourage such deals. Let that sink in for a moment.

6. “Any advice to those who want to become a k-pop idol?”

A lot of former idols and trainees have similar responses to this question.

“I don’t want to discourage anyone, but think twice”

“You only see the glamorous side, but don’t see all the hard work that goes into it”

“It’s not what you think”

“They think ‘Since I am good looking and can sing and dance really well, maybe I should become an idol?’, but there is much more to it“

“They think it’s something that is easy and will keep their family set for life financially”

And this implies that most people don’t know what kind of lifestyle k-pop stars truly have, despite the amount of information available online about “behind the scenes” proceedings.

7. Moving on

I am a practical person and every decision I make is subjected to scrutiny. And after seeing everything I can't help but wonder whether idols believe it's truly worth it. What keeps the industry alive is the idol-dream, the wilful ignorance of its reality and youthful idealism, the beautiful naïve belief that it'll get better, even if it never does in the end.

Sure no one would ever admit it out loud, because it's one of those things you never say on camera, no matter how sincere you have to be. It's the matter of professionalism after all, and idols have it spades. And also, because admitting this would equal admitting that you spent your best years doing something you both loved and hated, admitting that this was a mistake.

When you grow up in a society where appearances matter the most, where saving face and being polite is more important than staying true to yourself, where individuality is tolerated only to a certain point, it takes a lot of courage to admit that you need a break. I greatly respect those who decided that idol lifestyle is not for them and moved on.

8. Conclusion

To sum up, I hope you enjoyed my small research and this perspective, since you have read it all the way to the end.

You have noticed that entertainment industry is an intricate system and its every component makes sure nothing changes. Companies have power over idols and audience, fandom has power over idols and their careers, and musicians themselves have fame and their music, but not always the promised fortune or happiness.

It’s important to understand the big picture to draw your own conclusions and encourage positive and heathy attitudes in fandoms. Being open minded and allowing people to make mistakes and live their lives the way they want to is a part of being a decent person. People don’t owe anything to others. Art is about sharing your thoughts and feelings, promoting ideas and spreading beauty. It’s not always about money. And I think that this is what k-pop lacks as an industry. It turned dreams and human need for self-expression into business. Here everything is turned into a product. Everything idols touch can be sold, sometimes literally. Industry created problems, which can’t be solved anymore, because doing so would topple the system. And I find it tragic. Trapped in an endless chase after perfection creators of k-pop forgot that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.

If you take a look at comment sections and posts on different platforms, what will you see? What kind of things resonate with audience? What makes people laugh and cry? When people start to appreciate the substance?

“Everyone needs to hear this song in their darkest moments”

“Thank you for your music!”

“They always deliver! These guys can’t make a bad song!”

“It inspired me to write again!”

“Their songs brought me and my sister together once again”

“This is what happens when you let groups write their own music - they make incredible things”

“They really are legends of k-pop! I love that they are not afraid to show their inner strength”

“Stay strong! You rock!”

I believe that the answer is quite simple: when it’s real, sincere. It’s all about the message you choose to send to your audience, because only superficial things cause obsession. When you say that the sparkly façade is all that matters, then that’s the only thing people will ever care about. Your audience will never give a damn about the meaning behind dancing, music or lyrics, if you tell them that performance is more important. No one would praise WHAT k-pop idols sing, instead they would prefer wasting breath to criticize HOW they sing or look or move.

I dare the k-pop industry to prove people that it’s not just about looks or perfection, or laser shows, or being a branding machine. Prove to your fans that k-pop artists are also passionate people with big dreams and talent, who love every moment of their job, who live and inspire, who are human just like us and whose humanity is real!

Do it, you cowards!

And now, I’m finished. I can hear the raging crowd of k-pop fandom in the distance, which means it’s time to hide. See you some other time!

#k-pop #korean music #k-rock #k-pop idol #k-pop meta #k-pop discussion #k-pop fandom criticism

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