#idk. like of course it's hard to evaluate what the general opinion is since i am not a professional athlete

[rolandkaros]

Sorry this is the same anon from before LOL i wanted to clarify something!! When i said incentivize tanking i meant it encourages players to show up to smaller tournaments that they don’t actually intend to put full effort into. Because like you said, the majority of 500s are right around slams/masters! So why would an Iga or Aryna want to go all out in those tournaments knowing that if they’re tired or hurt for the big ones they’re leaving points on the table. It’s just hard on the players all around

Sure, but I mean now we're just back to the scheduling issue which the one thing I think everyone can all agree on (season too long! why 6 mandatory 500s??). But still, I don't necessarily think there's clear incentive to tank 500s for the sake of satisfying the mandatory 6. I just don't think there's any motivation to tank tournaments that are going to count towards your point total anyway, and even if there is, then that's the player's loss (that is, if you're taking the effort to show up, you might as well play). From what we can see, it seems more common for players to just skip 500s entirely if they don't want to play, and accept mandatory zeros.

Of the current top 10 players, only Emma, Dasha, and Bia have actually played 6 or more 500s. I'm pretty sure more of them reached 6 through other means (e.g. Qinwen is allowed to count Ningbo because she did promotional events there, Jess and Elena both have multiple extended periods of inactivity due to injury which might add to their tally). But my point is, I don't think the WTA making it mandatory to play 6 500s even makes much of a difference, because clearly the players are willing to drop points and take mandatory zeros for the sake of scheduling. Which again, circles back to the rather annoying conclusion of "well...those are the rules I guess" when it comes to Iga losing #1.

But the truth is I really don't think any of these players want to tank. Even just going to a 500 event and losing in R1 expends a lot of time and energy. Plus, a lot of these players get first round byes, so they're usually having to stay until mid-week anyway. At that point, I think most of them would rather just skip, take the zero, and prepare for the next tournament. And even if they do go to 500s and tank...then I think that's kind of their problem? Because ultimately they're the one losing out on points. So it could be a strategy employed by some, but it really seems that most of these players prefer skipping to tanking.

[boonies]

do you have any recommendations for a new phone? my phone legit refused to charge and finally died on me. anyway, hope you're having a good weekend and eating lots of food and stuff.

I have both an iPhone and an android and I like both equally, but in case you haven’t found a new phone by now – and without knowing your particular budget restrictions, geographic location, or tech preferences – I’d suggest a mid-range flagship device with consistent software support.

Anonymous said:

please stan my bias group I… need fics of my ships from my bias group. Any ship would do, since I ship pretty much everyone I… haven’t found someone who writes like you IT would have to be you for it to be a good fic. Please stan my bias group

Friend. Which… which bias group.

Anonymous said:

Boonies can you tell us it’ll all be okay (and that your fic isn’t coming true) . I don’t know what to think

Same, sorry.

My particular brand of defense mechanisms is to over-rationalize my feelings, which has the unfortunate side effect of emotional distancing so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It’s going to be okay. If he gets married. If he doesn’t.

Look. If you don’t think I’d throw literally all the other boybands under a bus to summon 2012 TVXQ/JYJ back, I would. I would carefully bundle all the others up in a giant canvas tote and kiss their shiny little foreheads with care and THEN UNAPOLOGETICALLY HURL THEM UNDER A MOTHERFUCKING DOUBLE-DECKER to have my babies back exactly the way they used to be.

But here’s what I’ve learned in the past year, the Year of Scandals, about fandom and about myself:

1. Acceptance. They are not ours to judge, defend, or control.

I still consider each of the five a literal lifesaver. They’re my one exception in fandom – I skip straight from denial to forgiveness. I accept this flaw and won’t make excuses.

But I have no responsibility for – nor authority over – their decisions, their accomplishments, their mistakes. And because I am not accountable for those, I can’t claim any entitlement to their lives.

If Yoochun doesn’t tell his friends he’s getting married and Jaejoong throws a fit, that’s… it doesn’t involve me or you. It’s not a shippy or a heartbreaking or a teachable moment. It’s sad and frustrating but treat it the way you would a bad page in an otherwise good book.

You didn’t write it and you can’t fix it.

You can only hope the next few pages will justify it.

2. Resentment. If you’re one of the handful of fans still attached to Yoochun, you’ve probably had to deal with plenty of this, directly or indirectly. If you’re still one of the few people actively involved and invested in his life and his happiness, and you consider his marriage announcement hurtful or disrespectful, please remember that he’s a profoundly private person and that despite his years of seclusion, he’s still… he’s not going to leave without one last gift to his fans.

He’s not.

3. Closure. Closure is a process. It’s long and really fucking annoying. When you’re deeply attached to something – especially someone’s perceived happiness – and shit happens, especially in a world saturated with shit, a thing that brought you happiness can suddenly become a burden.

You can either discard or carry it.

It’s going to be okay, even if you choose the latter.

Anonymous said:

What do you think of the sex faces Junsu makes while performing? And, based on his performances and lyrics, what do you think are his likes and dislikes when it comes to sex?

HAHA, gross.

I have no opinion on his performance sex faces because I genuinely think THIS is his actual sex face

and there is nothing not unattractive about this, so please enjoy.

Anyway.

IDK if he has dislikes, based on his lyrics, except if maybe someone offered to mix nyotaimori with hitsumabushi because this boy can’t multitask like that, come on.

Anonymous said:

1). Hi San! Thank you so much for the book recs. Thanks to you I am going to be busy and happy for a long time. I have thought long and hard about this. I have a confession to make which might make you concerned because let’s be real I am about to admit that I have been with you since 2013 /stalker cough stalker/. I am a silent reader and I mainly got to know you because of your TVXQ fics. Over the course of these years, there have been many times that I have sent you messages on anon.–

2). Mostly they were little thank you notes to cheer you up when you were down, because I took a personal offense whenever anyone was mean to you. And sadly, that was the only way I could help. I have forgotten most of them but every once in a while when I come across one of them, while backtracking on your blog, they put a smile on my face. Actually your replies do that. I am not a peoples’ person due to crippling social anxiety and depression, which is why if you ever met me I would probably-

3. probably bore you to death. I have this vague condition where I hate being alone the most, yet find myself alone a lot. However, I have shared many of those times with your beautiful spirit, and your wicked beautiful way with words. When you said that you found me endearing in the way that you wanted to sit down and have coffee with, trust me I have wanted the same for years. However, I live on the other edge of the world which is why we might never actually meet /sadface/.

4. There have been very few people in my life I have adored to the point of madness and you are one of them. Creepy isn’t it? But trust me I am not a weirdo, I am just an ordinary girl, who likes to surf your blog when things get too much. It teaches me a lot of new things as well which is an added perk. I do get worried when you disappear because my brain goes into overdrive. I have spent embarrassingly long hours on your Tumblr, smiling at your humor and your outlook on things-

5. I aspire to be the kind of person you are, beautiful, inspiring, kind, sensitive, logical, hardworking, organized, compassionate etc. /I could make a list honestly/. Your passion for writing was what made me pursue my own reading and writing as well /I was a literature magna cum laude but then gave up due to mental issues/, and that further allowed me to make peace with a few demons of my past. I think a huge part of growing up is when you come to peace with certain aspects of you–

6. you become comfortable wearing the colors you like, you start hanging out with people that agree with you and bring a certain sense of positivity in your life. You finally start settling into a routine where you become aware that not everything is going to go the way you want it to so you just…start going with the flow. What I am trying to say is, that you have been instrumental in making me grow and learn to be a better person.–

7. I read what you had to say about things and found myself maturing a little bit more. Your patience when you were dealing with sensitive topics, in general or fandom related, made me re-evaluate my own behavior as well. And I am eternally thankful to you for all of this. This is getting embarrassingly long, but I consider myself truly blessed to have known and interacted with you this.–

8. Thank you so much for being such a positive presence on the internet where trolls and haters are forever ruining happy things. I am not a very social media savvy person, and I am sorry that all you can see is anon. I really don’t have a way with words, so I just want to thank you again. I hope that your life stays uncompromisingly faithful towards your endeavors and that it is filled with positive vibes, people and all the things that make you happy. Once again Thank you. :*

10. That was my reply to your love letter, and it is probably ten times lamer but I wrote it anyway because all love letters deserve a reply. Also I might have messed up the numbering, I was never good at maths lol. I will continue being by your side so you should continue being awesome. Anyways,

Anon, I say this with complete sincerity and without shame: I’d visit the other side of the world solely to have coffee with you.

I deserve 0.000001% of your love letter but I’m indescribably grateful nonetheless. If I’ve ever been a comforting or an educational presence, it was probably purely accidental. I definitely feel like I’ve learned more, earned more, been reassured and protected more than merited, rather than been a source of any of that.

I am TERRIBLE with feelings and worse with thoughtful loving praise so I hope you don’t find my response awkwardly lacking because I read and reread your asks while trying to come up with an appropriate reply and very quickly realized there isn’t one.

Thank you.

I know how ridiculous this sounds but I’ve been filled with deep abiding affection since part one of your letter so I hope I can keep sharing bits of your life with you in whatever way you choose.

[ninetiescat]

story of my medications

This is my response to the message I received on my sarahah (@illusionarium), reading,

May be a bit personal, but I want to know your story behind all of your medication. Your social medias are phenomenal which raises my curiosity as to why you have to take so much.

This is going to be way more information than what you asked for. I haven’t proofread this but I tried to write carefully. Potential trigger warning beyond this point.

I’ll start at the very beginning, getting to the more-than-you-asked-for right away.

How I got on meds in the first place:

In January 2012, the night of day 1 of the second semester of my freshman year of high school, so roughly five and a half years ago, I was involuntarily put under mandatory 72-hour hold in a psychiatric ward for threatening to kill myself. I was in there until the afternoon of day 3 of the semester. This is pertinent because I wanted and somehow proceeded to achieve straight A’s and knew that staying in longer meant I was missing more class-time and putting that at risk it took a month to catch up on those three days I shit you not. (For the full hospital story, see this post.) While being held there, I did my best to abide by the rules the hospital operated by—i.e. rules none of us were directly informed of, rules we had to be informed of by our fellow inmates let’s be honest, it was essentially a prison who were there before us and learned the hard way so we didn’t have to—but those rules were just things to check legal boxes, they didn’t make any real sense, and they weren’t consistent, so despite my genuine best efforts, it became very clear very quickly that they wouldn’t release me after 72 hours (72 hours is only the minimum) if I didn’t sell my soul to the devil. I always swore I would never take psychiatric medications—I just didn’t believe in it, if I was doomed to be sad then so be it, I didn’t have anything against other people taking meds but I didn’t want it for myself under any circumstances—but I couldn’t afford to be held longer than the bare minimum basically if I took a breath one second later than expected, Staff would threaten to hold me for an extra week, a threat that was said to me five times, so I agreed to be medicated to check one of their damn boxes needed for an on-time release. Then, when released (about 24-hours after agreeing to take meds and taking the first dose), I was told that if I stopped taking the meds I would be readmitted. I assumed, despite Staff being heartless assholes for the most part, that they—medical professionals (well, sort of)—wouldn’t flat out lie to me, so I reluctantly continued taking the meds. I cried, I went to the doctor they referred me to every month and a half, I sold my soul and gave up what I stood for, I took my shit as prescribed, I was a good girl, and I hated every second of it, but I hated it less than I hated hospitalization. It wasn’t until a year and a half later that I cried to that doctor (who was very nice; I quite enjoyed seeing her) about hating being on meds and wanting to stop but knowing I can’t without being readmitted, and she, surprised by my statement, informed me that that was a lie, I was never required to keep taking them, they could not readmit me for that, period end of story, I had been blatantly lied to. Unfortunately, by then I had gotten in too deep (I’ll explain why), so despite still hating being on meds, I carried on.

Why I stayed on them:

I grew up depressed, anxious, and with insomnia; it’s all I’ve ever known, so I couldn’t complain too much having never known better I mean I complain all the time, talked about suicide etc., but I wasn’t fighting for better because I didn’t know what to fight for and didn’t have the motivation too. A year and a half into bouncing from medication to medication (I’ll elaborate later), I had had no success with improving my depression or anxiety, but after about a year of that, I found a sleeping medication that worked, and holy fucking shit. Over the course of my life, my sleep had been getting progressively worse; for instance, at age 14.5, Night 2 in the psych ward, bedtime from 10pm through 7am, I took over an hour to fall asleep and woke up eight times I remember because Staff yelled at me about this the next morning. That was quite normal for me, I wasn’t accustomed to anything better, but getting a night of what normal sleep should be for the first time…was just something I couldn’t pass up. It was like a brand new world. The medicine that did the trick was an atypical antidepressant prescribed to me for insomnia by that point my doc had gone off-label, as I was already failing to respond to traditional treatments, so I said fuck it and kept on making my way down Big Pharma’s product list trying to treat all my issues for the heck of it. Note however that I had also been diagnosed with ADHD, a problem I wasn’t previously aware of, and medication for it worked also, but I could’ve accepted pre-ADHD-med life more than pre-insomnia-med life.

Since then:

My insurance dropped that first doctor not technically a doctor, psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner, PMHNP, didn’t know that for a long time, didn’t know there was an important difference at the year and a half mark, so I switched to doc #2 not a doctor, advanced practice registered nurse, APRN, who quit and was replaced by #3 some kind of nurse practitioner who quit and was replaced by #4 APRN whom I hated, so I switched to #5 family nurse practitioner, FNP, who was great, but I really needed a psychiatrist. So now I’m seeing #6, a psychiatrist! A PhD! An MD! At last! My therapist of five years said I needed an actual psychiatrist and advised I try to get off of my meds (four total at the time), which is a main reason I took medical withdrawal from college in March. This doctor is fab and is trying so hard to get me the best treatment possible. We tried weaning off slowly, but the withdrawal symptoms were too bad to handle alone, so we’ve tried substituting new meds with them to ease the withdrawals (elaborated on later). Because of how that is going, he wants me to seek a second opinion technically an eighth if we include the psych ward, five NPs, my therapist of five years, and himself from an accredited institution if we can find one that will see me because my “case has advanced beyond what conventional medical treatments can help” and I have “suffered too long,” and if a re-evaluation shows that my diagnoses are correct, I could benefit possibly from experimental treatments or clinical trials since my shit is so treatment resistant.

How that’s going—what I’m diagnosed with and what all I’ve tried:

Chronologically, I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, insomnia, ADHD, and panic disorder, with anorexia nervosa present but left undiagnosed. In trying to treat my five diagnoses in the last five and a half years, I’ve had my system pumped with twenty-five different psychotropic medications. Of the 25, I’ve only had any success with/positive reaction to 8. I’m currently on 6 daily. Let’s list them out chronologically with more info than you asked for for shits and giggles shall we—“[medication class] prescribed for [whatever, usually off-label], italicized means it worked, bolded means I’m currently on it:

Zoloft/Sertraline—(from the hospital) antidepressant for depression & anxiety

Xanax/Alprazolam—sedative for anxiety

Trazodone—weird antidepressant for insomnia

Tranxene/Clorazepate—benzodiazepine for insomnia

Ambien/Zolpidem—hypnotic for insomnia

Prozac/Fluoxetine—antidepressant for depression

Elavil/Amitriptyline—idk it treats everything and was prescribed for idk I can’t remember tbh

Remeron/Mirtazapine—atypical antidepressant for insomnia (worked for a year, stopped, immediately replaced by Seroquel)

Adderall XR and IR—stimulant for ADHD (XR extremely effective but couldn’t tolerate ingesting it, IR ineffective)

Buspar/Buspirone—anxiolytic for anxiety

Inderal/Propranolol—beta blocker for anxiety/depression

Seroquel/Quetiapine—atypical antipsychotic for insomnia

Lamictal/Lamotrigine—anticonvulsant for depression (under slow withdrawal at the moment)

Daytrana/Methylphenidate—stimulant for ADHD

Klonopin/Clonazepam—benzodiazepine for anxiety

Valium/Diazepam—benzodiazepine for anxiety then insomnia

Lexapro/Escitalopram—antidepressant for depression

Wellbutrin/Bupropion—antidepressant for suicidal thoughts (it helped a bit)

Atarax/Hydroxyzine HCl—antihistamine for insomnia

Phenergan/Promethazine—antihistamine for insomnia

Clonidine HCl—alpha blocker for insomnia & high blood pressure/elevated heart rate

Trileptal/Oxcarbazepine—anticonvulsant for depression/to ease Lamictal withdrawals

Vyvanse/Lisdexamfetamine—stimulant for ADHD

Dexedrine/Dextroamphetamine—stimulant for ADHD

Evekeo/Amphetamine—stimulant for ADHD

So I’m currently on Seroquel, Lamictal, Valium, Clonidine, Trileptal, and Evekeo—three for insomnia, two for depression, and one for ADHD. I am incapable of sleeping without sleeping medications; I go about 36 hours wide awake, then go from wired to unconscious note that sleep is not an unconscious state for about half an hour, then snap back awake as if nothing has ever happened until I take the next dose. I have extreme difficulty reading, comprehending, writing, and understanding information without ADHD medication, one of the main two reasons I’m taking a second semester off from school. My anxiety is debilitating and currently only being treated through therapy, which is undoubtedly beneficial but not the same; I used to take Valium to stop my panic attacks (it would calm down the physical symptoms so I could use what I’ve learned in therapy to calm the mental symptoms), but when I started taking it for sleep it stopped working for panic, so I just have to ride it out. I started Clonidine as a substitute for Valium for falling asleep, but it makes me so damn sleepy during the day that I’ve been slow to let go of the Valium and raise the Clonidine. I’m not addicted to any of it, simply terrified to not sleep. A sleepless night is a nightmare few people understand; yeah no one likes a sleepless night, but it’s fucking torture when you get more suicidal with every second you’re awake. I get in bed every night terrified that this will be the night I stop sleeping; Seroquel, for the first four years, worked effortlessly for making me fall and stay asleep for roughly eight hours and wake up on my own with no drowsiness, then all of a sudden it stopped helping me fall asleep and out of desperation I added on Valium because it was my only option and I knew it had hypnotic properties. Since it’s not healthy to be on it super long term, my doc wanted me to trade it for something safer, like Clonidine. I was put on Lamictal after going through rounds of antidepressants that failed; Lamictal treats seizure disorders and bipolar disorder and is related to Trileptal but carries a greater risk of a deadly side effect. Seroquel is an antipsychotic that also treats bipolar disorder; it seems the medications that work best for me with the fewest side effects are the ones that treat bipolar disorder, for which I have not been diagnosed (technically I am down as bipolar in my files for insurance reasons, as my insurance could request my files, see the depression diagnosis, and refuse to pay for Seroquel and Lamictal because they are not approved to treat unipolar depression), which I find interesting. Trileptal has shown very little evidence on efficacy at treating mood disorders and is in no way approved for their treatment, but I have responded to so few medications that my latest doc thought hey, why not. Fun, isn’t it?

And at last,

why I have to take so much:

My shit, aka an intricately intertwined clusterfuck, is just so damn treatment resistant that 1. no one medicine can treat any one problem well enough to suffice on its own 2. everything is so bad that even if one worked really well and wiped out one problem altogether the others really can’t go untreated yet. There are only two instances in which I am okay with being alive—on stage performing or in an airport. I’m not lucky/privileged enough anymore for the former occasion (bonus: my sleeping meds contain antihistamine properties and I’ve watched as my voice has deteriorated over the past four years, escalating in the last four with the addition of Clonidine) and not rich enough for the latter to occur as often as I’d like, so I spend virtually every day wishing I was dead. It’s so normal to me now. It’s been twenty years. I can smile and laugh and dance around for a few minutes, but that’s all I get; it doesn’t last. My favourite singer can release a new song and I’ll cry with happiness as I sing at the top of my lungs for hours or see some aesthetically pleasing decoration in a store and take a hundred pictures of it and that’ll make my day, but it simply doesn’t last. I’ve only managed to live this long because my anxiety is severe in just the right ways to keep me incapable of going through with any method of suicide. I’ve become accustomed to coasting by; I often wonder how many people can tell I’ve got issues or can tell what kind of issues I have without being informed first. I wonder too what I’m like beneath the medications, if I would even be recognizable; I thought I would find that out over the summer, but that will have to wait until the weaning is all done I suppose my psychiatrist estimated the process would take 3.5 years when I started seeing him.

Soooo…I hope that answered your question and makes some sort of sense. Feel free to inquire further; I’ve spent the past six months doing nothing but researching and focusing heavily on all of this so I know it well and have a lot to say about it.