#idk. its been really hard lately. thats why im thinking about fucking off for a week or something

[jackass-jones]

Ooooooghhhhhhhhh stressed 🥺

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

👁️👁️🔂👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️

cringe at myself.....,.....

im aa FOOOOOLLLLLLLL 🫥

Sometimes i think, im a real artist or something..

But whats even real about me? everything i do only exists online

majority of it being on TUNBLR of all places.

fragile fucking tumblr.

my entire life is my imagination and fantasies my entire life is a thoughtform. how can i be a real artist if im barely even a real person in "reality".

not even banishedgirl but intangible girl.

The other day, when i posted about how i want to use the inter net less but im too lonely to stop, i feel it came back to bite me today, in a way i didnt want at all, for the short time my blog was gone, and this brought to my attention, how truly deeply foolish i am

i could disappear so fast like nothing because its all just 👉🧠💭 up here

Even tho my blog is back now. i cant get that feeling off of me. Like yeah there no reason my blog would actually be deleted, unless you know like, tumblr just got discontinued as a website. Which is not an unlikely scenario. i often wonder how long they'll keep paying for these servers. We saw what happened with myspace...

if tumblr was gone, id really be GONE gone

like. i dont exist.

sick to my stomach all day. even if i export my blog and put it on a hard drive ... does it even matter? it literally is not even "matter" it is pixels it is thin air.

How do i be a real girl in the real world

in utena , the "real world" is actually all an illusion. and i believe that to be true for our world too. In a way ive always believed my fantasies and spirits are more real than my body

But i still do want to exist here. i almost have to live in denial about this to stay sane. But i want to exist forever. i want a normal life and friends. i want normal things.. its disgusting.. i feel sick!!!!! im so happy but im so miserable. i love myself but im so insecure. i dont understand anything. i resent fakeness but im fake too. im all just words and space and airy air air

How do i change my life how do i stop yearning to Prove that i exist..... Why do i want to prove it so bad

WHY DID I HAVE TO BE CONFRONTED W THIS TODAY WHAT AM I BEING CALLED TO DO

Like dude i am already going thru it lately. i didnt need any more crisisfuel.

IDK i have to believe its some kind of catalyst to save myself , lest i succumb to the void

it has to show me something i needed to see.

Stuff like this makes me want to disappear in a way that i have total agency over. (Not like in a killing my self way but just in a going away way.) Thats not practical though is it i know thats my evil side talking.

trapped in a sticky web trapped in this glue trap thats what gets me all defiant.

the book im reading rn is from the 70s. i wish i was writing books not posts... i wish i was meeting people in real life the way the author describes in the book. I know the vainly imagined past doesnt hold all the answers either. Good chance i wouldve been institutionalized for woman hysteria or st. But i dont like whats happening here i dont feel natural at all. And its not just me who feels it, clearly.

if only i could be the one who finds comfort in impermenance.

do i accept what im dissatisfied with, do i try to change, or both, or neither?

i am sad

i am existentially disturbed

and i am fucking arrogant 🥴

for wanting to be real.

FUCK!!!!! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

[the-troll-book-of-mormon]

@davekatweek day 1: plush!

in which dave does not want anything remotely puppet-like to watch the proceedings

(+ my rushed attempt at dialogue below)

DAVE: hey karkat sorry to totally crush your wildest selfcest dreams here but do you think maybe we could put that cool guy away before we go any further here

KARKAT: WHAT?

DAVE: your squishy dude over there with the sideways mohawk

DAVE: lil kat

KARKAT: ARE YOU REFERRING TO MY CUSHION EFFIGY?

DAVE: ok theres absolutely no way thats actually the troll word for plushies but ill let it slide without completely derailing the conversation this time

DAVE: yes that guy

DAVE: could we maybe do this without him watching

DAVE: idk something about the way hes been staring at me with those big yellow depression eyes is just killin my vibe

KARKAT: WOW DAVE, REALLY GLAD THAT AFTER ALL THIS TIME YOU FINALLY FOUND IT WITHIN THE ECHOING CAVERNS OF YOUR HOLLOW PUMP BISCUIT TO TELL ME THAT MY "DEPRESSION EYES" ALLEGEDLY "KILL YOUR VIBE".

KARKAT: ANY OTHER COMPLAINTS YOU WANT TO GET OFF YOUR NUB WHILE YOU'RE ALREADY SCUTTLING YOUR EFFRONTERY GASH?

DAVE: dude what

DAVE: thats totally different

DAVE: i love your depression eyes you know i love your depression eyes

KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW, DAVE, IS THIS A THING THAT I KNOW?

KARKAT: YOU DON'T THINK THERE COULD BE ANYTHING CONFUSING ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE CLAIMING TO "LOVE" AN ANATOMICAL FEATURE OF MINE THAT YOU SIMULTANEOUSLY FIND SO DISGUSTING THAT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BRING YOURSELF TO ENGAGE IN CONCUPISCENT ACTIVITIES IN ITS PRESENCE?

KARKAT: ONCE AGAIN I AM COMPLETELY MYSTIFIED BY THE BOUNDLESS GENIUS OF YOUR ATROPHYING SPONGE. HOW COULD I EVER HOPE TO KEEP UP?

DAVE: holy shit dude i cannot believe this is actually something youre stuck on

DAVE: this is a real unfortunate time to be getting into this but maybe its because your depression eyes are attached to the real life body of my sexy as fuck boyfriend and i can look at them and not get the weird fucking heebie jeebies about being watched or secretly filmed

KARKAT: OH.

DAVE: i mean look hes cute and all and on the one hand its genuinely hilarious that in a way were fulfilling plush karkats voyeuristic fantasies that he inherited from you

KARKAT: HEY!

DAVE: but on the other its kinda jarring that every time i glance up and see his weird little fabric face im getting flashbanged by my kid selfs fucked up programming and for a split second its like im seeing something completely different

DAVE: so yeah nothing wrong with his depression eyes specifically its just that theyre eyes and theyre not real and somehow that makes it way more real

DAVE: like maybe someone somehow snuck a webcam in there just now when i wasnt looking

DAVE: which doesnt actually make sense because first of all why

DAVE: and second of all im always keeping my eye out for that sort of thing anyway so i would definitely notice before we got this far

DAVE: but all this dumb shit just makes it kinda hard to focus on the actual depression bedroom eyes right in front of my face

DAVE: not to mention the rest of this effigy im tryin to get my ganderbulbs and prongs all over

KARKAT: OKAY I GET IT, STOP TRYING TO DISTRACT ME FROM THE FEELINGS JAM BY APPROPRIATING TROLL VERNACULAR.

KARKAT: I'LL PUT HIM IN THE OTHER ROOM.

...

i had more of the scene i could write, but it was getting long and im already late for day 1! maybe one day i'll actually write out a scene and post it on ao3

[cheeseandbretboy]

since turns out informed consent is practiced in australia i dont really need a gd diagnosis and i hoped if i got one my mother would believe me but its been so long and ive distanced myself from her because i thought she wouldn't even speak to me, she said she will probably still stay in contact but wont accept me and will use the wrong name and pronouns forever and i dont think i can stay around her a lot if thats the case the point of therapy was that she would understand me but if its not gonna go anywhere whats the point?? ik what i want ive been thinking about this my entire life and sigh she expects me to be 100% fine after YEARS of being ignored, she knew i was having a hard time and that i was cutting myself and starving and wanting to kms but its only now when my sister brings it up she thinks its best to do it, and like, wow! it is actually too late. i got myself through all that alone and now that im stable she wants to 'explore other options'. i tried explaining conversion therapy does not work but she doesn't care. idk what to do chat! sister said to wait it out and she will probably get better but i doubt it. i dont know if i can mentally take it if she cant just respect me, i get not being supportive but just using the right prns cant be that difficult, at least TRYING?! she said i was selfish and overreacting when i said it would be difficult for me to stay in touch regularly if that was the case ughggh and i thought she was a woke liberal but even she wont use other prns or terms to refer to me (ok that i get, maybe she will when im older) but she blatantly said it's a phase for me, that being queer is a phase nowadays and i just couldnt really believe she said that. i told her why the fuck would i want to be trans for a trend if i will literally not be able to come to the country where all my family is and where im from because i'll either be killed or arrested, and she said 'exactly, you said it doesnt matter what others think so why would you medically transition' and ok she doesn't understand thats ok, i tried explaining i have dysphoria but she cut me off saying im too negative and she cant talk to me about this. 'i dont gaf about your identity, i dont want to talk about this. just shut up and keep it to urself' i am so confuse guys bc she asked that we become closer and i tell her my issues.. i do not think she actually cares for me as a sister she never did, she bullied me endlessly and blamed it on her depression (which hey fair, but thats an explanation not an excuse and i have yet to recieve an apology) mother did nothing about that just let it happen like the abuse from my dad and i was happy to give her another chance i really looked up to her but she doesnt give a fuck about me she only likes me when its easy when im not selfish and egotistical (by the way guys she called me a hypochondriac isnt that crazy??) and like sigh i kind of hoped she would support but she does not.. 'you see mother is from a different generation, but im gen z i understand you' yea and u say queerness is a trend what the fleck... i get its difficult for ur sibling to be trans its really fucking annoying and heartbreaking but oh my god! and somehow she got it in her head that i tried convincinb mother to medically transition.. I HAVENT SPOKEN TO HER ABT TRANS STUFF FOR 3 YEARS THE FLIP I HAVE NOT.. i was going to wait it out with her and see if she adjusts bc shes my sister yk! but after 'why cant you just not transition' that just shows she is not willing to hear me out and see it from my perspective.. tbh this is just cis ppl, its difficult to understand smth that u dont have, that u take for granted. sighghgghgh sm happened but im back to distancing i was just confused but everything is still bad why did i let myself get sort of hopeful she said awful things that ill never forget its her greatest fear

[mikeyswayy]

hey, uh. hi. yeah. sorry i dont know why im doing this. im pretty sure youre dead. god i hope you arent. maybe this is just the digital form of visiting someones grave eh? yeah, i dunno. its lonely without you. keep wanting to tag you in things, god i fucking wish i could still tag you in things. i was a little scared to send this one, even just to write it, but id rather you be alive and proving me a fool for writing this than dead. maybe with my luck the universe’ll wanna make me look stupid so bad that ur actually fine. i miss you. ive been waiting the past few days you know that? waiting to be wrong waiting for you to come back waiting for this to be like the other times, but its been four days now. i just. i hope you found peace man, i hope if you are dead its better than anything ever was back here, you deserve it.

while im here i figure i may as well catch you up on everything goin on, not anywhere near as good as getting to freak out about it on here with you but i think its the best im gonna get. so basically a couple days ago frank posted five random dates in the shape of the mcr logo and that was. jesus frank. the dates are 11/13, 2/16, 3/7, 2/24, and 12/6. i now live in fear. and then today the official mcr account posted a picture with a background that looks reminiscent of paper kingdom, oh god, 150 peices of,, ash? confetti?? falling down over large red letters that spell out a backwards k and then cr. so basically. going insane over if this is mcr5 or not. fuck youll never get to see mcr5 will you? fucking scary, feels wrong to get excited about it without you. i hope youre okay, i really fucking hope youre okay and all this is for nothing i hope youre in the hospital because soneone found you before it was too late and you just cant have your phone because of it, i hope you didnt even do anything and youre just staying off tumblr just anything, please, fuck man you have to be okay alright?? im scared, i really miss you, i know we werent that close or even close at all but you mean do much to me alright i need you i need you to be fine. i hope you see this. oh, on the topic of not being close, i uh. never learned your real name. i made a small patch with your username and put it in the left breast pocket of my coat, i hope thats alright. wanted you close to me and all

i think thats it, so uh. this is goodbye i suppose. i didnt get to say goodbye before. saw your post 2 hours late. it hurts, i try not to get too caught up in the what ifs though. its hard. so goodbye friend, until next time. i hope to see you again. i love you.

I'm not dead!

I'm sorry I scared you like really badly but I'm okay

What happened was I like almost didn't but I didn't go deep enough to do any real harm to myself

I cut a little but not the full way so I'm fine but if I had went all the way I would probably be gone bc no one did like come in my room for a while after

I've just been staying off of here and not really posting because I didn't really think anyone would really care if I was dead or not

But I know you do

Also I really appreciate you saying what's been happening with MCR thank u

I know abt everything but still u telling me is really sweet, thank you

The patch is really nice, thank you

I feel like doing something similar since u did that and I probably scared the living shit out of you so yeah something with ur user maybe idk is that weird idk

I love you too man

I'm really sorry for scaring you I just didn't know what to do that day and I'm sorry for not really posting anything after that 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

[dizzybizz]

ok i need someone elses (especially- but not exclusively- other afab autistics, cis or trans) thoughts on this shit cause im losing my goddamn mind i just have so many feelings about gender and its fucking me up

ok so.

ive always sorta felt disconnected with my gender and i dont think me being autistic helps with it either. what with trying to pinpoint feelings and all that being hard. and it has i guess planted a lot of doubt surrounding my thoughts and feelings about my own gender in my mind. i question if everything im feeling is just bc im autistic. which is why im making this post!! i just need some outside perspectives and thoughts and i guess i want to know that im probably not alone in my struggles with this.

idk how i wanna structure this post but ill just write down the things that come to mind.

like before i hit puberty i was not into the idea of it at all. and before i had considered the fact that i might be trans, i thought it was just because i didnt like the thought of change. and i think thats normal, being hesitant about puberty.

BUT uhm. now im not religious. but i vividly remember praying to god that i would at least be as late a bloomer as possible. if not, never ever going through afab puberty. and i always felt more inclined towards amab puberty, and i thought it was a MUCH better deal than whatever afab puberty was going to do with me.

and i feel really silly writing this cause that does not sound like something a normal cis girl would do or think... and i feel quite confident in me being not cis. but i guess this is just a post to seek some validation in my suspicion and feelings. but i also want to know if it is an experience others share.

my gender thoughts as i call them have been particularly prevelant since 2019, thats when i think i first started contemplating whether i might just actually be trans. at that time i believe it was more towards the non binary, but nowadays its ftm

and i just idk. im kinda lost and lonely here, i havent talked about with any family members which are the people i spend most of my time with currently. i wanted to get the perspective of people who are also autistic and might relate to the gender feelings and yeah

and ok no sorry, jumping back, cause its always at its worst before and during shark week (like right now :)) and that has also thrown me off quite badly

cause what if its just pms, or just some kinda hormone imbalance or some shit like that. am i crazy cause sometimes i feel like im driving myself mad with this stuff. is it common to have really intense thoughts about gender anytime your period is about to kick in.

also growing up with a younger brother (who also has a whole ass army of guy friends) when you have these thoughts is fucked up ngl who allowed this. youre telling me he gets to just get that puberty for free. fucking hell wtf

sorry i lost it pls just idk tell me your thoughts wherever, replies, i think im turning off reblogs for this but, my inbox or dms anything ok thanks so much, means the world

[hyunsvngs]

idk if i should be called dream anon or what since i keep coming back to talk about dreams, but! i come back with another one about chan.

in my dream we were working on a song together but i was literally utterly distracted bc god damn he's so pretty. but chan didn't realize what was distracting me, he was like ???? thats not like you at all whats got you with writers block

and feeling like im caught like oh its hard to write a song when i dont have some experience to base it off of bc its supposed to be like... sexy.

and chans like oh thats it, i know that feeling.

and im like yeah sure you do you literally write songs about desire and sex but then you explain them to fans like someone who literally can't navigate it. just teasing him and all that, cause channies so cute when he's flustered.

and of course chans like "oh" clearly embarrassed at my call out. but then hes like "is that why you dont write normal love songs cause you've never been with anyone." and im like listen, "its hard for people to even want you when you look like an amorphous dented over boiled potato"

and so chan says "is that how you see yourself?" but i dont wanna talk about it so i go back to writing, but then hes like "thats not true you look good the way you are, you're fine, you know that."

but i roll my eyes and just keep explaining that "yes i see myself that way, and that's fine because no one usually wants me. but its fine. i just can't write songs like that then."

and chan isnt having it and like, spins me around in his studio chair to make me look at him bc i keep avoiding the topic

and then he said something about whatever we were supposed to be working on, about how the lyrics were supposed to be about something i tried to say i didn't worry about, and yet i was struggling.

and he gets this really hot mad look, and i mean like, god he's so hot when he's mad. he says something along the lines of how i shouldn't say that about myself that i am desirable.

so i retort with "that's easy to say when all you have to do is post a selfie and thousands of people want to suck your dick on the spot."

and his eyes get all dark and suddenly he's leaning over me while i'm still sitting in his studio chair. and im like, ranting about the whole thing being like i know hes got confidence issues but theres people out there to tell him how hot he is every day and blah blah blah so its completely lost on me for a second what he says while i'm talking.

cause chan's like "well the person i'm after doesn't really want that on the spot, so, yknow."

so when i finally catch up i'm like what the fuck do you mean there's someone out there that doesn't immediately want to do that-

and then i realize he literally means me bc honestly the thought of sucking a dick kinda makes me nauseous but also i look at this man and think man i'd try it at least once.

but then he pauses and i pause and there's this insane tension and then bam i'm making out with bang chan in my dream and at one point he hauled my ass out of that chair like i weighed nothing,,,

anyways that's dream time with me again! i'm trying to find dreams i've documented bc ive been sleeping all weird lately and not had many

WHATTTT THE FUCK?!?! THEI IS ISNANE AND SO SDXY

[magnoliamyrrh]

its so fucked where the world is going. ive been encouraged in therapy to talk about my feelings with people close to me but i cant talk about how dying would be better than experiencing ww3 because i only get awkward smiles and empty reassurances because they know thats true. i dont know where to look for hope anymore

i get it :(( i really do. i barely talk to people irl about it by now, bc its either as you said above, or its my grandma who agrees w me and we just go down a spiral of "dear lord, what the fuck." some people get upset when i talk about it too, they say oh youre just being negative and then i list out 9000 rational reasons as to why this is realistic, and they just shut down and say something like, well what then, wtf are we supposed to do??. they get angry, which frankly is fair, bc theyre not rly angry with me even, but with it. .... ive got no idea how to cope with it anymore other than to try to not think about it, except its hard to just "ignore" when every half year some other shit happens which makes it more apparent to me were only escaping ww3 by some miracle maybe..... or idk, i try to place my hope that Maybe just maybe the whole world is aware that nuclear war would be so bad and ww3 would wreck so much that theyd stray away from it?... but ive got to be honest, i dont have that much faith in the rulers and leaders and anyone else whose driving this shit. ive not got much faith in much....... i want to say, we have to be our own hope, we have to be the hope of the future, we have to be what we want to see changed in the world. and i do believe that. but with shit at such a insane international scale, that feels hard to say..... the people generally have less power than ever in the face of governments which have multibillion dollar technology and which all back each other up, this horrid international web of opression and exploitation. how are the people of most countries nowadays supposed to revolt?

...... ive got no idea what to do with this feeling anymore. the economic state of the world, the exploitation which is horrdibly rampant, the pollution off the hook, the state of the climate, very tense international military conflicts left and right. it feels like the end of the bloody world.... and i know ppl from the beggining of time have always said, oh, were living in the end times..... but weve never had nuclear weapons before, a million horrid weapons, plastic radiation and chemicals in literally everything, and scientific data screaming in our faces to fix the climate before its too late - fix the climate, when the international community is at each others throaths..... god damn it

im sorry if this is not comforting to read, ive got no idea how to provide comfort when i feel the same way...... what ive been trying to just tell myself is to try to live the best i can with what is happening.... and if the climate goes even more to hell, and if the world erupts in war, at least we can hope we went out trying our best to be happy and at peace and kind and loving with each other, as much as we could.....

[kaleidosouls]

hi. (pulls out uke)

IM JOKING but i havent posted here in forever huh, are ppl still around? i guess ill comment on like, whats been going in in the time i havent posted

so a long time ago now i wanted to like, cut off from twitter, so i deleted the kaleidosouls twitter, and wanted to keep my art stuff just on insta mostly, trying to move since twitter is a sinking ship right. then my instagram got deleted for no reason (and so did my pinterest that was ful of refs and honestly that was more upseting than insta getting deletedand losing all my art following)

ive been mildly caught up in IRL/college stuff in the meantime,having da depression, and the exec dysfunction same as awlays like. not much has actually been happening but ive been going acutally all over the place trying to figure out what im gonna do with my internet social media stuff. im looking into internships (other field) and im like, i havent given up being an artist professionally exactly but i think im like fuck it. fuck this like, building my Internet career or whatever. like, im gona wokr on my art portfolio and try to find art job stuf thats not really about how popular my art is on twitter or smth. none of that shit rly matters anymoer. same w here, i probably wouldve delted this tumblr if it wasnt the main like, blog so all my other blogs dpened on this one right.

im not like, done posting art online but ive been changing how im going about it and i still havent found my like, place yet. i did remake instagram, a main one and one for creature/pokemon stuff. idk im figuring out my life but i guess the main point is that its all a mess, and its not a disaster like things are going bad or anythin just that ive been in this inertia of disorder for a long time. im getting old. really tired lately, barely draw that much

i still rly love and am holding onto my personal ideas/projects that i want to execute oveer time altho they cant be a priority rn becuase of stuff in life. i got a really bad attention span so ill probably like, work on smth a lot for a few ays and then pick it up again in a year or more. the SU stuff is one of those. i actually ammaking this post bc i got really fucking dickhead comments and i was thinking of going off but my social media paranoia PR brain is like weighting on how i cant do that bc itll make my brand look bad and immature, and its like exhausting to live like that yk. altho it Is wise to restrain myself from being mean dsgkj but i also think itd be funny to cuss ppl off so :( life is very hard as an adult!

anyway point is. thigns are a mess rn and they will continue to be for the time being. my accoutns got obliterated so if you wanna keep up with me maybe follow my instagram if you want, i keep forgetting tumblr exists so tahst why i post so little on here. i do like postingt here though, nad i like making little blogs. i like ppls tags on ym art and replies. even the pricky ones like, i get to engage my brain a litlte bit adn its like ppl are out there yk? seieng my stuff, rather than just like, a bunch of numbers of how many likes or reblogs smth has.

most of the stuff left on this blog is for SU reclaimed and i still rly like the idea and its good coping for me and i want to pick it up sometimes but idk what to do with it wrt how i wanna present the content. ive considerd many times making a separate tumblr for it and i am considering that Again but maybe i should just quit it and post it here and forget about that. and find a different way to present the totality of the contents of the AU and use this tumblr as a way to just post it like, a 'devblog' (i am not developing SHIT this is just conceptual design writing stuff)

if theres anyone still following thats like engaged/interested in SU reclaimed feel free to comment with your thoughts or suggestions,i guess i could make an instagram for it? but ehh... idt thats how i wanna like, execute it. welp. i guess if i do make smth ill post about it here,i guess the point is that maybe i can try to post on here moreoften, idk, like i want my instagrams to be more tidy and like, impersonal. i deleted twitter bc i dont want to engage that personalyl at ALL anymore as an artist w viewers. not to mention it sinking. but i guess tumblr Is the perfect place to keep that unprofessional, slightly casual blogging artist experience. maybe if i get to cuss ppl out :D but then i dont wanna get harassed later over it. hm.. sucks to exist online tbh

thank u if youve read this far. if youre a mutual (somehow) or a long time follower and wanna know how to better keep up w me since i know im disappearing a lot feel free to dm

[thegirltony]

update

hey sorry it’s been a minute. things have been kinda crazy. idk. my mom says she’s worried about me. she thinks im not eating enough. or like leaving my room enough. it’s not that i don’t want to. i just have no reason to. i have no reason to.

i can’t keep going to school. i’m tired of the lights, the people, the stares, the everything. but maybe i’m just tired. i’ve also stopped sleeping i guess. i can’t keep dreaming. i hate falling asleep, there’s no control in that. every time i close my eyes i feel like i’m dying. i am dead, aren’t i? my dreams are just little tastes of hell, coming up and reminding me of what lies ahead. what i deserve.

there’s either nothing, or dreams. i don’t know which is worse. i shouldn’t hate the nothing, it’s nothing. but the not being conscious, not being in control, scares me. or i dream. i dream and i dream and i dream and i dream. i’ve tried doing the tricks to be lucid, but they never work. i just see . you know. it’s the same one every time. she keeps looking at me, wherever i am. i wake up, drenched in sweat, then i see her again. i wake up so many times in those dreams. i can only tell if i’m awake if my stomach hurts. the hunger is the only thing keeping me alive. but i can’t complain. i really, truly can’t.

i’m either in bed or the bath. i close my eyes and pretend i’m back at the lake. in the dreams, the lake rebirths me, cleans me. but i step out and i’m dirty again, it’s back again and it’s all over me again. she’s all over me again.

sorry if i’m being cryptic. these few weeks have been hard. tal was right about needing an outlet, i guess. when hasn’t she been?

there is so much wrong with me its almost hard to count. i don’t know why i feel like this. why i keep feeling like this. this is also so embarrassing and cringey and god so middle school. every single thought i have makes me want to rip my fucking head off. i hate living like this. i hate living in this body. i hate this body. my legs are short and fat and stubby and i have the most disgusting kankles. my fingers are short and meaty. my boobs go off in different directions and my nipples are ovular and so fucking big. my neck and chin are full of fat like my face where my eyes are so far apart. my nose is obtuse and bumpy and my teeth are crooked and yellow. and god my stomach. its so fucking large and round and disgusting and im a 33 and i used to be a 29 and now look at me. like a 29 is even good. and i want to blame this all on my birth control or growing up or whatever but does it even matter. i look like this. i walk around and talk and eat and exist like this. people look at me like this. or maybe they don’t.

it has to be my fault. there isnt any other way. i want to move away from everything and go to college and start over but i know that i’ll miss you. i don’t want to fade away from you. and i know i already have. thats the worst part. i know its too late. i know you’re gone.

[zak-shit]

march 1st 2024 9:14 pm

don't greatly feel like doing this rn, but i know I do need to.

brain is constantly racing lately. i mean constantly i really do.

the grief of losing lisa has been coming harder, i really miss her and i cant believe she is really gone. i will never forget that woman. lisa was truly my favorite person growing up. she's a real angel now.;/ Marisa Lynn just called me while I was writing the below stuff, she said new years eve was the best. I think about thanksgiving alot too, we had a all nighter, I'll never forget seeing Lisa on the back porch as the sun came up. and that was practically the last time I really saw her. Her health went downhill so quick after that.. I had the thought earlier like things just came together in a way, and that night was almost a send off for her. except nobody knew. it was really our fucking reunion., and it turned into our last night together.

tomorrow ive got to go to my brother casey's wedding ;| i haven't seen this side of my family in like nearly 5 years. i ordered something I really like to wear, something that is appropriate, but also boldly ME. It may not arrive in time, and I don't know what to wear in that situation yet, also don't know if what I already have that is appropriate is something i feel comfortable wearing/ me. :/ but its fineeeeeee this wedding will happen. i'm going to see both of my brothers tomorrow, my dads brother (he's chill) and my other niece's and nephews. just weird bc i don't know these people honestly. we have a zero on the relationship bar. idk that just makes me anxious, uncomfortable... shruggg. i just know when I have a life event I wouldn't invite them, but I feel obligated. however i do also feel immensely happy for Casey, the divorce of his first marriage im sure was extremely hard for him. i'm glad he has a great partner now, large happy family. he seems content the last few times I'd seen him. Casey is the only one I have seen in the last 5 years. My aunts funeral, fathers day like two years ago, and Marissas baby shower. He is a good guy, and he deserves to be celebrated and have who he wants to show up for him, show up. I'll also have Cece, and Marissa there to keep me company.

i feel alone. Wrote that before Marisa Lynn called me. Expecting and hoping she calls me back. Idk, its Friday night and I'm all alone, not much is stimulating to me. I don't have a hyper fixation right now, so its like I have nothing lol. makes me feel like a zombie just coasting through life. I understand why my comfort/ favorite/ go to people cant hang out tonight but idk I miss them. And I had to cancel plans with Alyssa for tomorrow bc I changed my mind on attending the wedding. Texted her asking about other days after we talked and she said she was soooo happy I was going. and nothinnnnnn. idk a little "let me seee" and then get back to me would be nice... i know shes got alot going on though. im not upset with her at all. but I miss her :( Ruby cant hang because her back is killing her :( also not upset with her at all, i see her all the time lol. but idk maybe i'm just a bit bored... I have decided to start working shows at the theatre again! maybe partly for a little stimulation. Its been so long since I've done a show! I used to think strongly that I couldnt do it because I'm not getting payed.. but I was never payed before, I always did it because I enjoyed it so much! Its something to do thats a passion of mine. also the sense of community is great and admirable. everyone who is there.. wants to be there! its not like at work where people are miserable. I applied on the website, but i think I'll draft an email to someone tonight. I wanna jump on this burst of energy for it before it goes away and I don't take it up again. plus I'd like to see how much I like it. Crazy being able to get back into hobbys. lol for so long I thought it was possible to make time for it. and hey with me being active there again, maybe it would be easier to also get Cece into it.

I also bought some adderal from Kerri, I think thats what has awoken quite a bit inside me. i really need this shit to be real human. lol especially the highted emotions. I've actually cried both yesterday and today. and its been so therapeutic. Lisa also took me to my first audition into the theatre, she sat there while I did it, she filled out the paperwork. I thank her for that. I wished I could in person because that really means alot not looking back and seeing how far that took me/ changed my life. it really did change my life. so did our pitch perfect binges. <3

my mom has been really good lately. she stopped drinking as much. like for a few weeks, maybe 2 weeks. she didnt really drink at all. shes been alot more active around the house, she said she would treat herself to it on saturdays. which is fair, thats cool. so yesterday, a thursday when I came home and I could tell she at least had a buzz going on, it instantly locked up. idk i was dissappointed, i was angry, I was sad. It triggered me for sure, because, for once I wasnt expecting it. at least on Saturdays I would expect it. I can clock when shes had a sip of alcohol better than I can clock probably anything. so she cant lie to me about it.. but also highly emotional on it because I've wanted the last few weeks to be our reality for so long, and so badly... she really seems ready to cut it down to one day a week. and I know she can do it, she just did it. she just has to stick to it. I have high hopes, thats why I didnt blow up or something about it, also because i'm smarter than that, i know time and place to be heard best. and after a drink its never there. I just mentioned it this morning. I think she had a tiny bit to drink tonight too.

currently talkin flirtin with trey <3 i want him :((

xoxo wasted a bunch of time its now 12:29 am need to try to get sleepy byeeee

[funshinebf]

gender moment venting below idk its kind of long and messy but i was just stream of thoughting about this shit

ive been wondering a bit lately about if i would want to go back on T again in the future. im trying not to worry about crossing that bridge til i get to it, but its just. idk. i sort of feel like if i decide that going back on it isnt right for me, that ive somehow... failed? like. i do not regret going on it! im very happy with my voice deepening, as well as my body hair growth. but i also really struggled with keeping up on my shots, the appointments and bloodwork, as well as the acne and patchy facial hair and how they affected my body image and self esteem. while on one hand, i would Love to have facial hair, i had a really hard time with the awkward phase of it growing in, and i just felt... really, really shitty about my appearence while i was dealing with it. if i could go back on it and instantly have fully formed facial hair and clear skin, i might consider it, but... since thats not possible, i think i'd rather just keep the changes i already got and continue to be off of it.

and like, i know that every trans persons needs and wants in their transition are different, and its okay to not want certain changes, it doesnt make someone less trans. but it just feels like, with how long i was fighting for it, and how desperately i assured everyone around me that it would be good for me... it feels like by stopping it ive just proven them all right. and thats really frustrating for me! because like i said, i dont REGRET doing it, i dont want to get rid of what i did get from it! i just. couldnt handle some of the other effects.

i also feel almost like. it isnt fair to other trans people i know who arent able to start hormones? like, oh, i got on them super easily and now i dont even want them, when other people are still struggling so much and would love to be in my shoes. its so disheartening.

and idk. i know that my reservations about this are most likely just internalized transphobia, but its still.. very upsetting. i dont want anyone to think of me as less of a man, or less valid because of my hesitance to go back on T. and like, i still very much want top surgery, and i have no doubts about my pronouns and expression of my identity. i know who i am, i know what makes me happy, and i know what makes me unhappy! i just wish i didnt have to deal with any of this, pressure i guess? to conform to something that lines up more with a cis persons view of how trans people should be. i dont want to pass as a cis man. i dont think i ever will. i wish how i look didnt affect how people saw my gender, i want to be called 'sir' or 'young man' even when im wearing a full face of makeup and a dress. even when i have long hair and painted nails, even when i walk a certain way or have certain mannerisms or talk a certain way. i dont want any of that to automatically make people assume im a woman, or even use neutral pronouns for me. i just hate having to explain over and over again, that yes i ONLY use he/him, even when i look super feminine or use feminine terms for myself. if i ask someone else not to use feminine terms for me, why is that so hard for some people to understand? it isnt the same as me using it for myself. when i use it for myself its because i know exactly how i mean it and how i view myself when using it. i dont know those things when other people use it. only a select few people that i know for sure view me the way i am are allowed to refer to me that way. this shouldnt be so difficuly to wrap your head around. i know my own intent. i dont know yours. its that fucking simple!

urghhhh, this got a little more ramble-y than i meant it to. whatever. gender beam

[bubsub69]

Entry 2

14/05/2023 22:47

Well might as well start all entries with how my sleep schedule is, i had an afternoon nap so i might not sleep enough tonight but better than being up at 4am because i tried going to sleep at like 11pm and it went horribly wrong.

Reason for writing today? well while before looking at cute couple stuff like hugging and cuddling would make me cry now a porn video that wasnt even my first time watching made me cry because the couple seemed really happy and having a good time even though the girl was probably laughing cause she ruined the dudes orgasm on his face (video: https://www.redgifs.com/watch/quaintelderlyvireo#rel=tag%3Aruined-orgasm%2Cchastity%2Ca;order=trending)

I guess i should start with yesterday, with the blessing of the folders/briefcases whatever, it was as bad as expected so at least not worse than expectations, a very late start as a lot of people expected followed by a walk a queue to sit down, a small sermon and then speeches from each course. The worst part honestly might have just been the sun, it was blazing hot and i think i got sick from it, my nose was extremely fucked last night and still kinda is. After that we went to have lunch at a crisp 3pm and the food arrived at like 4, thank god my body has a high hunger resistance or i mightve killed someone, i spent a lot of time at the restaurant but at least i got to be with my cousin so it was actually pleasant, at the end we went to the lake garden to take some pictures for some reason and then went home (the for some reason comes from the fact we already had like 40 photos on the camera alone and went to take more).

idk why i wanted to write down what happened yesterday this was supposed to be more about emotions than story but oh well who can stop an autist from rambling.

But going to aforementioned (wow that was the word whos spelling i really had to look up, why am i spellchecking a personal diary? cause fuck you i want to, anyway another autistic rambling aside) emotions, those ribbons made me feel kinda weird when i reread them cause everyone was saying congrats on the hard work and for beating this challenge but i feel like its undeserved cause its not like i put a huge amount of effort studying, i barely passed some stuff which is definetly something im not proud of but yeah i feel like i slacked off most of the year even though ive never missed classes or failed to deliver a project, i guess im just associated with the studying part of school instead of this which is better honestly, even if i get stressed like now where i have a shit ton of stuff to do and am over procastinating as usual, but yeah, a lot of good jobs for a meh performance feels kinda weird.

But enough about school heres an update on D, today is sunday which matches the same day as the day of the call so how was her availability? well she gave me a maybe and then said that apparently her visa is expiring and shes super stressed out, well that seems like something way too complex for an excuse/lie so i believe her more but yeah her moving again is definetely going to make her busy again so i guess no calls for me.

Really feeling like a piece of shit that thats all the care i can muster for it, shes like about to get formally deported and im out here complaining shes too busy for me, and the worst is i decided to get a keyholder on chaster just to satisfy me, it feels like cheating i dont know why, we had some mild texting and a call and ive already like fallen in love and feel like a traitor, but i guess im tired of waiting and it might be for the best to move on if she just wants to stay an acquaintance (well new record for biggest spelling blunder), but yeah i feel like im giving up too soon cause i really liked her and just moving on feels really bad but what can i do when she doesnt show any interest, i mean not only does she not text back she also hasnt asked anything about me, which i guess is kinda fair for most boring person in the world whos hobbies are gaming and youtube, yippy, i guess ill wait again, this time im gonna do a week of no texting to see if she ever sends me something, she will be busy with the moving so she probably wont but oh well whatcha gonna do, not like shed say yes to a call in these circumstances either, i still wish i could help her but i dont think i can just ask dad if he has a contact with the visa man to hurry her process, but i did imagine that cenario

I guess switching to a different type of emotion to put some variety in this yesterday i fucked up the gamepads usb port out of anger but i think i tricked my parents by saying i saved the computer from falling, and on other hardware problem news theres a screw that i think broke the plastic around it so know the case keeps disconnecting from the rest. This was a shitty story but at least its not all about being sad and lonely

Well a bit of a blunder of an ending but oh well heres entry two, if the lady i messaged to be my keyholder replies the update will be here:

[blxetsi]

HIIIII!! can i get a pieck finger dating headcanons if that’s alright with you of course? your stuff makes me soft, stay safe!

yuh ‼️ tysm for your request

pieck finger dating headcanons (modern au)

pieck finger x gn!reader

warnings: literal fluff, no angst or anything i love pieck

- bc pieck is assumed to be like 23-26 this wont be a uni au or anything

- idk i rlly think you guys wouldve met in a mundane way

- like you bump into her on the sidewalk and try to the really awkward "oh im so sorry i didnt see you there- no really it was my fault- are you sure youre okay ?- okay great- no im not hurt- yeah- okay have a good day and again im so sorry !!" thing with her

- and then maybe you guys see each other again at a coffee place, youre there with your friends and shes there with hers, and you dont wanna talk to her obv bc that would be awkward

- then ur friend makes u go and order another coffee for them, and while youre waiting for your order pieck comes and stands beside you

- and shes very observant yknow ?? if she sees a face its very hard for her to forget it

- so she immediately recognizes you and blurts out "its you !"

- and you have to be like "oh yeah ! it is me ! its you too"

- she finds it quite cute and giggles about it

- a very laidback person but also a very blunt person

- she doesnt find any harm in asking "can i get your instagram @" look she doesnt wanna be a creep and ask for ur number right at the start

- and it gives her a chance to find out what kind of person you are

- it would absolutely suck for her if such a cute face was posting fishing pictures and alt right propaganda yknow ??

- so you two do and then both of your orders come so you two give awkward goodbyes before going back to your groups

- her instagram is very pretty, nice themes

- she posted a couple of hours ago, with her and her friends in a park, taking a couple of posed photos while some looking like they were natural

- shes adorable and you cant help but feel your cheeks go warm as you basically stalk her page

- she dms you and says "are you too busy looking at my feed that you havent followed me yet ?" and you see this mf staring at you across the room like 👁️👁️

- okay nosy lets calm down now 🙄🤚

- you try to defend urself but ur typing so quick you keep making errors in your writing, she ends up saying something else

"you know, i was doing the exact same thing. youre beautiful you know"

- thank you pieck 🥰

- over the next couple of weeks thats how you two communicate. she'll send you instagram memes and edits of her favourite shows, movies, games etc. and you find yourself having a lot in common w her

- you check her story so frequently it becomes one of the first accounts on the top of your homepage

- and FINALLY, when she feels she can see you as a friend and not just some pretty stranger she met on the street she asks you out

- it was a simple thing, just to the movies, and she even let you pick which one !! (imagine its pre covid idfk)

- you two go and its an awkward hug before you both head inside

- you pay for your tickets and she gets an extra large popcorn and a drink

- you assume shes just v hungry but before you can order yourself something shes like "what are you doing i got this for us !!"

- rlly cute bitch omfg

- during the movies, after she eats literally most of the fucking popcorn, she pulls your hand out of your lap and holds it with her buttery one 🥰🤚

- this bitch had crumbs and didnt even think to wipe them off

- you still held her hand tho anyways

- after that night you parted ways in front of the theater after making sure you two would be getting home safe

- and that became routine for a couple of weeks, not going to the movies obviously bc thats expensive but watching movies together !! youd go over to her apartment or she would come over to yours

- one thing about pieck is that shes very touchy

- one way or another she will end up cuddled with you on the couch

- it doesnt matter if its you being forcefully pulled on top of her body or her draping herself over you like shes a blanket, you two WILL be cuddling and you WILL enjoy it

- but finally, as if the gods gave you mercy, she finally kissed you

- it felt so nice, her lips were soft and sticky from her lip gloss and she tasted like the swedish berries you had gotten for her to munch on

- and the rest of the movie you two just sat there, kissing each other and giggling like teens

- she ended up staying the night, and complimented your bedsheets

- your relationship moved pretty fast after that

- she had already told all of her friends about you, they werent very surprised

- when you got officially introduced her friends zeke and porco tried to do that whole "if you hurt her.." speech before she slapped them and had marcel pull you away to safety

- other than that the night was very fun, you got to talking about your career, why you moved to the city, and other mundane topics

- pieck is actually a graphic designer, and everytime she comes to sleep over she just HAS to bring her laptop with her

- its basically just her laying in between your legs while she types away, youll pet her hair and lay soft kisses on her neck, and occasionally ask what shes doing

- she likes to tell you, has no problem in answering the questions you have, even if you think theyre stupid ones, shes very soft with you

- also a bit of a trickster

- for your first april fools together she slept over, you didnt have anything planned for her bc youre a good person and wont hurt the ones you love

- she stuffed your breakfast muffin with mustard 😁👍

- you gave her the cold shoulder for the rest of the day until she apologized by getting you a new muffin

- now she always dropped the l bomb to you, but she never needed you to say it

- thats why, when you were helping her cook dinner at her place you softly said "see ? and thats why i love you" she kind of,,, stopped what she was doing

- you realized why she wasnt washing the knife she used to cut your vegetables and tried to backtrack, but it was too late, she was already tackling you into a hug and taking you down onto the floor

- she just gave you kisses while repeating "i love you i love you i love you" over and over again

- bc of her you burnt ur fucking chicken smh

- you spent that night eating junk food and watching movies

- piecks a very observant person, so she always knows when youre sad too

- when you give that little huff when you come home to your (new !) shared apartment she knows something is up

- she'll slowly trail behind you as you walk to your bedroom, stripping to your underwear and changing into your pajamas

- you crawl into bed just wanting a nap to forget about the day, and she'll crawl in with you and hold you

- you never like to cry but youre so frustrated and upset at your coworkers, at that rude customer, at those deadlines, that you just breakdown

- and she lets you, she lets you almost suffocate yourself in her chest with how much your pushing your head into it, she strokes your hair while you choke on your own cries and hands you tissues when you need to blow your nose

- "what do you need my love ?" "i just need you" "okay baby"

- communication is a big thing in the relationship, and because shes been so open and honest from the beginning, talking about how you feel has never been easier

- in fact, you like talking about how you feel about your relationship, or how you didnt like what pieck said to your friends the other day, this and that, you feel comfortable and safe with pieck no matter what, which makes talking about even the most hardest things seem so simple and natural

- all in all, even when she wakes you up with spontaneous ice cream dates or asks that you put raisins in the popcorn during movie night, even with the fights and the crying and the exhaustion the next day, life would be much duller without her, and you only have to thank your clumsy self

uhh i feel like this is very short but yeah ❤️ requests are open so go crazy mfs ‼️

[kodev]

MY GOODNESS THATS SO IN DEPTH!! Love it!! Few more things sorry for putting them all in one ask

1) I have absolutely 0 previous mahoyaku knowledge so it was vaguely word salad to me like. I got the gist but if you wish to elaborate (mahoyaku for dummies)

2) Relationship chart would be awesome yes

3) I LOVE THESE GUYS. I'm shaking them around they're so well thought out and cool seriously seriously so excited to see the game!

okay first off i am so sorry for this like month late response... im currently a high school senior in the midst of college apps season haha so i havent had time to really do anything T__T my apologies again... and thank u for the questions! i will literally talk about mhyk for ages if enabled lol. word dump below

mhyk for dummies: mahoyaku is a pretty boy mobage. i am so sorry i just need to get that out there. anyways two things that *i* think that set it apart from other mobages is its not an otome so you cant date any of the characters AND its got more of a focus on non-romantic pairings i guess? idk if that makes sense but it does show and i do greatly enjoy the relationships (platonic, romantic, or whatever the fuck) between a lot of the characters since imo its very well written. even if i havent been keeping up with any of the stories. ALSO since its in a wizard universe they do some pretty cool things with gender... dont want to say they are nonbinary but the creator did confirm that gender works differently for wizards. Highly enjoyable. Also a lot of bisexuals but some of them embarass me

ANYWAYS its a wizard world... wizards are born as like um.. idk theyre pretty rare unless its hereditary i think but i would say out of 100 random human babies one of them is a wizard. this comes with neat perks like: magic! immortality as long as you dont get killed (tbf its very hard to get killed if youre magic but wtv)! trying to think of other perks but really i think thats it! it also has cons like: a lot of people fucking hate you for no reason if they find out youre a wizard! and if you make a promise and break it you lose all ur magic :(. wizards turn into mana stones when they die (pretty rocks, also the gacha currency which is really fucking funny), which other wizards can eat to gain power or humans can use to power magic tools. ppl wont find out youre a wizard unless you start using magic or youre there long enough so that ppl r like "Hey its been 50 years why is this guy not aging". (ofc u only STOP aging after u hit ur magic peak but thats only a fun bit of trivia that isnt super relevant? idk)

before i get into anything else: there are 5 countries (north, east, south, west, central, very creatively named ik ik). north is a brutal country, the idea of survival of the fittest is probably taken to the extreme there, although there are some exceptions. its "ruled" by whoever the reigning wizards are there at the time, which leads to some pretty insane northern wizards! so muchmental illness. east has probably the worst of wizard hating, very forested country and ppl there tend to be pretty isolated/keep to themselves but witch? wizard? hunts are fairly common there. probably worst place societally to live as a wizard. south is the nicest place to live out of the five sort of... i think in recent history the coal miners overthrew the feudal lords so the entirety of south is still sort of being actively developed, its kind of barren but also not? idk. wizards and humans live in harmony in south, but as a result, the wizards there are also known for being really weak and err... "softhearted" in comparison. western country is full of insane people. they also generally dont like wizards but if youre funny enough theyll enjoy you. western is sort of steampunky as a result of being like the idk tech capital of the wizard world. most western wizards are fucking insane but in a really benevolent and cute way. im skipping over an insane amount of worldbuilding btw HELP umm theres nuance to all of these places nods nods im kind of just giving the broad strokes here. anyways finally central! i love central. sort of the trading hub of the world. had a famous revolution led by wizards about 100 years ago and there was wizard jesus christ. anyways wizard jesus christ gets betrayed by his closest friend, his closest friend burns him at the stake, the revolution fails but then his closest friend rewrites history to portray wizard jesus christ as a saint and also to say that the revolution wasnt for wizards but rather against the reigning king by humans? i love central rev btw such interesting worldbuilding... sedespa and aapeli from my game aare from central rev. ANYWAYS thats probably the closest i can get to the mhyk for dummies < guy who didnt talk about the pplot or characters of mahoyaku at all.

also the moon is evil and tries to kill everyone once a year they call it the great calamity. not super relevant for my game but very relevant for mahoyaku.

RELATIONSHIP CHAAAAART:

had to make this quickly sorry lol THANK U FORASKING AGAINNN

[randombubblegum]

hi Sydney okay I’m just saying in advance I hope this doesn’t come off as weird but. im a little younger than u (24) and I unfortunately hang out in a circle of ppl who are constantly talking abt how old they are despite only being in their 20s and I honestly admire how fun and exciting ur life seems like it honestly feels like ur living the ideal 20something life instead of being like….well im not 19 anymore so my life sucks LOL I hope this doesn’t come off as weird but when I look at ur blog and see ur romanticizing ur adventures and just drinking and having fun and being young it really cheers me up lol

DUDE!!!!! T___T wtf this is so nice……… like im so touched youd send this……….. the thing about being in your 20s is you ARE so fucking young youre literally a kid!!!!!!! ive always been sort of the young one in every friend group ive ever had by 2-3 years and i think thats sort of given me this mentality that im young but the thing is i AM young. and so are you!!!!!!!!!! honestly sorry to your friends but this attitude SUCKS like holy shit theres no way to make yourself feel older than complaining about being old when you arent. ill make the occasional joke that im old (esp online since it skews so young) but i dont rly think i am……. all my friends are still out here having hobbies and interests and parties and get-togethers well into their early 30s so i think im lucky to know i can keep being like i am now for years to come lol……. honestly you need better friends!!!! -__- or at least you need to stop them when they go down that conversation path bc its a bummer and not true LOL

also thanks for liking my adventures >__< honestly its funny, i only post like one tenth of what im up to irl on tumblr compared to like twitter or whatever i just figure no one following me on here rly cares what i do in real life lol so i feel rly shy >< even doing that diary thing lately has made me kind of embarrassed LOL idk why tho!!!! i rly do have tons of fun in my real life!!!! its hard sometimes because i think i was having more fun before covid hit and i was free and easy bouncing between friends on both coasts like being a socialite was my job but…….. i have a lot of fun now too even though im 3 years older than i was then?? i still love my friends and i still love going out and drinking and being social in a big group of other ppl my age and going on adventures just because i can……….. i hope anyone reading this will keep having fun no matter how old you get lol :’) my happiest times in life have been after i turned 21 for sure!!!!!!!

listen youre not old at 20, keep the rose colored glasses on and romanticize your own life, surround yourself with people who make you feel young………. if life ended at 19 then id have died cold alone miserable and half-starved in a doom room bed. thank the fucking lord it doesnt