#idk. I don't wanna stagnate I don't wanna level out I don't want to be boring I want to be amazing

[pollen]

what if i became a dietician 0-0 what if became an lcsw 0-0 what if i became a personal trainer 0-0 what if i went to culinary school 0-0 what if i became a pilates instructor 0-0 what if i went to nursing school 0-0

[neverendingford]

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[slanax]

so the podcast playlist ran out at work earlier today and left me with just music and my thoughts while I continued packaging products on autopilot. Now over the last month or so I've done a lot in my day to day life to stop stagnating and settling for 'good enough' as far as like household and stuff is concerned, I finally upgraded my phone and phone plan after like five and ten years respectively, I bought new clothes that actually fit me instead of the holdovers from back in the day that I was still wearing, my kitchen now has an actual workspace bc I've rearranged my furniture and added some more - shoutouts to my mom who wanted the doors off of my ikea cupboards so she'd have a matching set for the ones I left at home (the kind I had wasn't in store anymore) bc her offering to drive me to Ikea to get replacements triggered a bit of a binge in rearranging my whole apartment and let me transport the new stuff home too. Visiting my brother made me cook more and eat healthier bc he showed me the burgers he's cooking up when he needs something fast but like, with standards.

anyways. rambling. point is that the whole thing got me thinking about other things in my life that I'm kinda 'eh good enough' on, and the big one there is my identity and my body. Me being cis is, at least at this point, a conscious choice born from indifference, the factory settings work well enough and it'd be effort to even start looking into what I'd have to do to change them. But at the same time, it doesn't feel super cis for my position to be "yeah I'd prolly trans my gender if given the chance but that sounds like I'd have to file shit and call people and bureaucracy would be involved. But I would. But the effort." like I'm remembering Ranma 1/2 from my childhood and think that'd be neat to be able to do, just switch genders at the drop of a literal bucket, I feel that's not a very cis thought.

so then about two weeks ago my workplace gave us access to some health benefits, because they're feeling bad about keeping the warehouse people a bit out of the loop and removed from the office people, and also they're having trouble finding new people and really don't want any of us to quit, or something along those lines. Point is I have better health insurance now, based on a calender year budget, so I basically have an above average budget for the second half of this year now and I wanna make use of that, because it's a use-it-or-lose-it kinda deal. Now I don't know if I can use that for any gender affirming stuff, but I might.

The problem that remains is that I still couldn't care less for going through the whole rigamaroll of a social transition, but like. staying on-paper cis and continuing to use my given name to avoid all those complications, legally still being the same person and just looking different (might need a new ID if I go that far lol) doing whatever the fuck I want with my body in the meantime without it ever affecting my legal identity because it's not a deadname if I'm still just using it, it doesn't actually give me dysphoria, and they can't force me to change my name just because I have boobs, might be what I want? And then maybe I can consider a legal gender and/or name change from there?

idk on one hand it sounds like something I'd want to do but on the other hand I also feel it's not like, committed enough? like both on a practical level where I need a doctor to help me transition physically while still using the same (male) name, and on an ideological level where it feels like appropriation in a way to just want the body and the appearance but skipping over the whole paperwork thing because I can't be arsed while for a lot of people changing name and officially recognized identity is a just as if not more important aspect of transitioning.

genuinely can't tell on my own if that standpoint is a valid one, if I'm right to be hesitant for that reason or if that's an exclusionist brainworm take, would appreciate feedback and second opinions on that part especially

either way I am going to look into using my newfound health benefits for getting my facial hair lasered first and foremost because even if I stay physically 100% male that shit is annoying, I don't care for how it looks on me, I feel messy when it's there and can't be assed to shave it regularily. Avoiding effort is a key part of my identity either way whether I'm Cis+ or Legally Cis For Tax Reasons