#idk I've written a lot of stuff since November and I feel like most of it is easily forgettable

[allsassnoclass]

find me here amidst the chaos

Pairing: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin

Rating: Teen and Up

Key Tag(s): depression, hurt/comfort, references to suicidal thoughts, based on Orpheus by Sara Bareilles

Word Count: 1861

Read on AO3

—

“I know that you don’t want to talk to me about this stuff all the time, and that’s fine.  Your therapist is infinitely more qualified than me, anyway, but you don’t have to try to hide it from me, either.  If the bottom has dropped out from under you, you can still lean on me.  I’m here to love you.  I want to love you.”

—

After dinner, when Calum has taken the dishes from Ashton’s hands to dry them and Ashton himself has retreated to the bedroom, Calum turns on the fireplace and makes sure there are blankets within easy reach.  He lit a candle earlier in the afternoon, the living room now filled with the faint scent of vanilla, lights on the dimmer side but a gentle yellow, and if it turns out that Ashton doesn’t want to talk to him he can put on some music, oldies and classics to try and settle his mind for tonight.

He knocks gently on the bedroom door before opening it.  Ashton is lying on top of the covers scrolling through his phone, blue light in front of his face the only thing illuminating the room now that the sun has gone down.  It highlights the dark circles under his eyes, brought about not by a lack of sleep but by a lack of rest.  Helping with that is Calum’s main goal of the night.  

“Hey,” Calum says.  “Do you want to come out to the living room with me?”

Ashton glances up.  Calum can see the mental debate he’s having, weighing if he has enough energy to do this one thing to appease him.

“Come on,” he says, extending his hand.  “Leave everything else in here and just sit with me.  I turned the fireplace on.” He takes a few steps into the room and Ashton sighs, setting his phone down and taking Calum’s hand.  It’s cold and a little clammy.

Calum wants to bundle him up and keep him safe, take away all of what’s weighing on him and ensure everlasting comfort and happiness.  He knows that he can’t do that, but he has a fireplace and a blanket and a scented candle, and hopefully that will be enough for now.

He knows what’s happening.  Ashton has been doing so good for a while, but depression doesn’t automatically go away forever, and it seems to have reared its ugly head in a very big, very consuming way.  Calum has watched Ashton retreat more and more into himself, a protective measure that they still haven’t moved past, but he recognizes the other signs, too.  He doesn’t have the motivation to do what he enjoys right now, and whenever Calum has managed to catch him in a rare moment of happiness his smiles fade quicker, the ephemeral feeling disappearing faster than it should.

Getting him out of their dark bedroom and into the cozy living room is a good baby step.

Ashton curls up next to him the moment they sit down, pillowing his head on Calum’s thigh.  Calum takes the quilt from the back of the couch and drapes it over him then runs his fingers through Ashton’s hair, careful not to get caught on any snares.  It’s soft and curly from his shower before dinner, part of Ashton’s routine to take care of himself.  When he’s feeling bad mentally, he focuses a lot more on what he can do physically.  It’s one way Calum knows that he’s still fighting, even if little things like a shower or brushing his teeth exhaust him easily.

He scratches over his scalp and Ashton sighs, sinking a little further into the cushions and releasing some of the tension that has built in his shoulders.  His skin has a bit more color in it here with the warm light, but he’s still a little wane, the slightest outside indicator of how he’s been feeling inside.

“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” Calum says softly, “but I know you’re in a rough patch right now, and I know this one has been longer and worse than the other recent ones.”

Ashton buries his face in Calum’s thigh more.  He lets him hide, brushing through his hair again.

“You know I love you.”

It’s not a question.  Ashton nods anyway.

“I know that you don’t want to talk to me about this stuff all the time, and that’s fine.  Your therapist is infinitely more qualified than me, anyway, but you don’t have to try to hide it from me, either.  If the bottom has dropped out from under you, you can still lean on me.  I’m here to love you.  I want to love you.”

“I know,” Ashton says.  “I don’t want to put that on you.  The world is shitty enough without you having to deal with my shit, too.”

“If sharing that with me makes your world a little less shitty, then I want you to.”

Ashton sighs again.  The fireplace crackles.

“I miss when I didn’t hate it here,” Ashton says quietly.  “I miss being five years old and not realizing how awful and unfair everything is.  My mom used to turn everything into an adventure for us, but looking back there were so many times when we struggled without me realizing.  She didn’t do anything wrong but still got dealt a bad fucking hand, and there are millions of people like her out there, and once you learn that you can’t go back.”

Calum hums.  It’s a conversation that they’ve had many times.  Calum has lived through his own share of hardships, but Ashton’s have lingered much longer, settling deep into his bones and completely shifting how he sees the world.

“There are still good things,” Calum says.  “There are a lot of good people out there trying to make the world better, and even when you get an unfair and shitty hand, there’s still people to hold on to.  Your mom was able to shield you from this as long as she did because she loves you.  When everything is falling apart around you, find something in the chaos to hold on to.”

“I do,” Ashton says.  He swallows.  “I don’t know why I’m here anymore.  I don’t really see the point of it.  But whenever I start really thinking about… ending it, I guess, I think about that night at Joshua Tree when we stayed up all night stargazing and being with each other.  I want to feel like that again.  I keep telling myself I will, even if I don’t… even if it doesn’t feel like it.”

Calum reaches down and squeezes one of his hands.  Ashton grips back just as tight.

“Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

“I said a lot of things.”

“You said that we were written in the stars, the two of us, together.”

Ashton hums.

“A lot of constellations end in tragedy.”

“Not us,” Calum says.  “We’ll be okay.”

“How do you know?  How can you say things like that when there’s never a guarantee?”

“I have faith in us.  You are one of the best pieces of my world, and that’s enough for me to know we’ll be just fine.  I’m going to keep convincing you of that for as long as you let me.”

Ashton adjusts his grip on Calum’s hand, clutching it against his chest.

“I don’t want you to stop,” Ashton says.  “I know I get distant when I’m like this, but you help, and I like your faith in us.  I need it.  I’m not optimistic like you, not really.”

“I know, love.  We balance each other out.”

Ashton snorts.

“You mean I weigh you down.”

“Hey, no.  Not at all.  You make me happy.  This is a two-way street, Ash.  No one lifts me up more than you.”

Ashton sighs, and Calum knows that he doesn’t believe it, but he also knows that he’s not going to convince him tonight, not when he’s feeling this low.  If he presses, Ashton is going to retreat into himself, feeling guilty that he can’t give Calum the answers he wants.

“Will you make me a promise?” Calum asks.  Ashton wavers.

“What is it?”

“Will you hang on for another week?”

Ashton adjusts his grip on Calum’s hand again.  The fire crackles.

“Yeah.  I can do that.”

“Good.”

Calum runs another gentle hand through Ashton’s hair.

“What happens after a week?” he asks.

“I’ll ask you for another one, and I’ll keep asking until you don’t need me to anymore.”

Ashton nods.

“Do you remember what I promised you back when you first learned about my depression?” he asks.  Calum tries to think back, but mostly he remembers thinking how unfair it is that someone who made so many people happy could be so unhappy himself.  It’s been years, but he can perfectly recall the way his heart stopped when he first saw the scars.  The exact words exchanged are muddy.

“You promised to always love me if I promised to not give up on that love.”

That’s a risky promise for a sixteen-year-old to make.  Calum is glad that he didn’t break it, but even back then he must have known that Ashton was the one for him.

“I’ll always love you,” Calum says.

“Then I won’t give up on love.”

Calum presses his lips together and breathes against the sudden tightness in his chest.

“Can you say it again?”

“We will not give up on love.  Not our love, or the world’s love, or any of it.  We will not give up on love now.”

Ashton’s voice is steady, and Calum knows that he’s promising himself just as much as he’s promising Calum.  He leans down, folding himself in half uncomfortably to place a kiss on Ashton’s temple.  Ashton squeezes his eyes shut and takes a shaky breath.

“We’ll get through this,” Calum says.  “You won’t feel like this forever.  Keep pushing forward, love.”

Ashton nods.

“Can you talk to me?  Just--help me see the world the way you do.  Please.”

Calum would do anything for him, so he begins to speak.  He starts with Joshua Tree, because he knows that it’s easiest for Ashton to love the world when they’re there together, and he keeps describing good things like the feeling of summer rain on their skin or listening to a favorite song for the first time until his voice is getting dry from all of the use and Ashton suggests they go to bed.  He doesn’t stop when Ashton begins crying in the middle, just holds him a little tighter, heart breaking because he knows that these tears aren’t going to be the catharsis Ashton needs.

He has an appointment with his therapist tomorrow, which will hopefully give him a direction to work in.  Calum wishes he could help more, but Ashton has been good for so long that this new low took him by surprise.  He feels rusty, but Ashton has promised not to give up, and that’s enough.  They’ll figure it out.  As long as Ashton keeps reaching for him, he’ll keep being here, giving him whatever he can.  He might not know how to give stitches, but he can keep applying band-aids until the wound scars over.  He has to believe that that’s enough for now.

Once they’re in bed and properly under the covers, Ashton falls asleep first, curled into him.  Calum promises whoever is listening that he’ll keep walking through this darkness with Ashton until they both reach the sunlight again.

[redrisingsun]

Swedish Holidays for all your Young Royals needs

Due to popular demand (by like five people) here’s a brief description of all the major Swedish holidays and how they’re celebrated because I can’t stand here and pretend as if we really celebrate Christmas the 25th. We have more holidays, I've only written about the ones we celebrate in my family. I come from a working class family and live in Southern Sweden, however I do have family in Stockholm. I'm not religious in any way and as far as I know, most families don't celebrate these holidays because they're religious, but because it's tradition.

yall better appreciate this, it took me literal hours

January

1: Dubbed as one of the collective pizza days in my household. It's the day after New Year, and most people either order in or eat leftovers.

Week 2 or 3: Most people return to their jobs, schools and other daily activities.

February/March

Fettisdagen ("Fat Tuesday"): celebrated 47 days before Easter. The actual date varies, all from early February to early March. It's an old Christian tradition where you'd eat fatty foods before the "before Easter"-fast and is supposedly a thing in other Christian countries as well. These days, most people celebrate by eating semlor with their family, and most don't fast before Easter.

The semla is a sweet bun with whipped cream and almond paste.

Våffeldagen (Waffle Day, 25th of March): I think this day stems from a Christian tradition, but these days the day is mostly to get together with family and eat waffles.

April

Påsk (Easter): Again, the date varies, but Easter is usually in April. Easter stems from Christianity and is celebrated to remember Jesus' death and resurrection. Easter spans over a week, but I personally only celebrate one of those days.

Påskafton (direct translation: Easter Eve, English translation: Holy Saturday) is the Saturday of the Easter week. In my family, the children get to look for Easter eggs (often filled with candy).

Some children also dress up as Påskkärringar (Easter crones) and I think this tradition has to do with the Witch Trials in Sweden, but I'm not sure. Chances are you won't need to know anything about this for your Young Royal fics, because mostly girls dress up.

Sometimes, we decorate eggs.

Later, we sit down to eat together and spend time with our families. Common things to eat for Easter is potatoes, eggs, herring and meatballs.

Valborgsmässoafton (Walpurgis Night, 30th): We burn a big bonfire in the evening to celebrate that spring is here. I live in a fairly small town, so mostly everyone gathers at one spot and burns the fire together. When the bonfire is burned, most people go home and that's it. It's also seen as a reason to have a party (mostly for teenagers and young adults, I think) and get drunk as fuck.

May/June

Sveriges Nationaldagen (Sweden's National Day, 6th of June): Most people are home from school and work. We hoist the Swedish flag. Idk. However, the Royal Family celebrates by getting dressed up in Swedish costumes. This year, the King held a speech and the family went to Skansen (which is an amusement park/zoo. You can read more about it here). There's music and the military does their weird little thing. You can watch the National Day Celebration on Skansen from 2014 here.

Midsommarafton (Midsummer): date varies, but is celebrated a Friday in late June. I'm sure there's a Christian explanation for this one, but I don't personally know it.

Midsommar (midsummer) means middle of the summer.

Again, this is a day to eat and spend time with your family (or drink, depending on who you are). We eat pretty much the same things for Midsummer as we do for Easter.

For Midsummer we also dance around a Midsommarstång (direct translation: Midsummer Pole, English translation: Maypole) and make flower crowns.

How Midsummer is celebrated depends a lot on your age (most teenagers and young adults again see this as a reason to party), where you're from and a million other things.

My personal favorite Midsummer tradition is probably more common in the country than in the city, for example. You're supposed to pick seven different flowers without saying a word. Then, you sleep with the flowers under your pillow. Supposedly, you'll dream of your future husband (or wife! But I think it's more common that women and girls do this). This tradition also varies. Some people say you need nine flowers and some people say you have to climb over fencing for it to count.

Some teenagers or young adults spend time with their friends to party, instead!

You can watch part of a Midsummer celebration at Skansen here.

The Royal Family usually celebrate Midsummer privately, but I think there's usually new pictures of the entire family around this time.

Day after Midsummer: Collective Pizza Day 2. Everyone either eats takeout or leftovers because no one can be bothered to make anything and like half of the population has the worst hangover they've had since New Year.

Summer Holiday Note: most people in Sweden have four weeks of paid leave each summer.

July/August

Kräftpremiär (Crayfish party) - date varies, normally early August. Basically people get together to eat crayfish and drink. You can usually get paper plates and plastic cups and whatever with ugly crayfish motives (which is fun), but I've never done this.

October

Halloween (30th): Halloween is nowhere near as big in Sweden as it is in the States. We just buy some lösgodis ("loose candy", where you can throw whatever kind of candy you want in a bag. See pictures). Trick or treat is so unusual in the town I grew up I've only ever had one kid ask for candy and when I celebrated Halloween with my grandparents (in a city not far from Stockholm), it was the same. I usually buy some candy and watch a horror movie, but that's about it.

However, Halloween is (again) a reason for teenagers and young adults to drink and party.

November

Alla Helgons Dag (All Saints' Day): Date varies, usually early November. It's a day to remember the dead and we usually light a candle at the grave yard.

December

Första Advent (First Advent): Date varies. Sunday four weeks from Christmas Eve. We mostly just light a candle, honestly. Then, each Sunday for the next four weeks, we light a candle. Here's actually the Crown Princess wishing Happy First Advent with her family! Unfortunately without English subtitles, but here's the translation: "Today is the First Advent. Advent means arrival and hope, something that feels extra important this year. (her husband lights the candle) We want to wish everyone a happy first advent!"

Andra Advent (Second Advent): date varies. We light the second candle.

Tredje Advent (Third Advent): date varies. We light the third candle.

Fjärde Advent (Fourth Advent): date varies. We light the fourth candle. In my family we usually decorate the tree this Sunday.

Julafton (Christmas Eve): Celebrated the 24th. YES, THE 24TH. Christmas Eve obviously varies from family to family, but there's a few things most people have in common. Usually, we get one gift in our sock (which hangs on our bedroom doors in my home, because we don't have a mantle) when we wake up. As kids me and my brother almost always got a movie or something to keep us busy until it was time to leave for our grandparents house.

For lunch we eat the Christmas dinner. It's the same damned food as our other holidays. Herring, meatballs, potatoes, sausages etc, but now, we also have julskinka (Christmas ham). Some people eat ham even for Easter, but we only really eat it for Christmas in my family. Obviously the food varies a little from season to season, but as a picky eater I always just eat potatoes, meatballs and ham.

At 3, Kalle Anka (Donald Duck) is on. Yeah, we watch the same damned stuff every year. It's tradition, alright? Anyway, Donald Duck lasts for an hour or so, and first you get to see Santa work in his workshop, then Disney characters wish you a Merry Christmas with scenes from their movies (original, I know). There's Lady and the Tramp, Donald Duck (obviously) and a million other things. Then there's also one or two trailers for movies Disney will release the coming year. I really couldn't be bothered to find everything on YouTube for you to watch, sorry!

After Donald Duck, we open the Christmas gifts in my family. Normally we just rip out gifts open lmao.

After opening the gifts, we usually eat a second time. This time it's time for porridge. Tomtegröt (Santa porridge) is sweet and often served with cinnamon. Usually, everyone is so stuffed at this point that you only eat because you "have" to eat porridge for Christmas (again, at least in my family).

The last thing we do in my family, is to get a puzzle out. My grandpa almost always gets a new puzzle for Christmas, so we'll put that on the dining table and work on it together until it's getting too late for us to stay.

The Royal Family usually release new pictures of the family for Christmas and wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

Day after Christmas: Not a collective pizza day! There's usually too much Christmas food left to be able to order pizza. Usually, we have Christmas food to eat for four-ish days after Christmas, and by then you're getting really tired of it.

Sometimes we watch something on television, but for the most part we just sit around and spend time together. I think the Crown Princess read something from the Bible this year? I'm not actually sure if the Royal Family go to the Christmas Service, but I don't think so.

Nyårsafton (New Year's Eve): last day of the year. We shoot fireworks, eat food and dessert and spend time with family. This day we normally eat something "fancy" or something you we don't usually eat.

At twelve, we go out to light some fireworks (or just watch fireworks). When that dies down, it's time for the cheese platter. My dad wants it, no one else ever eats from it, we still do it every single year because "it's not New Year's without it". When we've had the cheese platter, everyone go to sleep and that's that.

People obviously celebrate this differently, as well. It's not uncommon to go see your friends or have guests over, and some people party rather than have fancy dinner with their parents. I personally prefer spending time with my parents, because that's what New Year's is for me.

Some people give resolutions, but I think it's more common in the States.

Christmas Holiday Note: It's common for people to not work between Christmas and New Year's Eve where I'm from.

Some things you might want to know about the Swedish Royal Family and Sweden overall:

The Royal Family in Young Royals is not the real Royal Family (obviously).

The Royal Family usually spends time on Öland during the summers.

Chances are Wilhelm and his family live at Drottningholm Slott (Drottningholm Palace) and not Stockholm Slott (Stockholm Palace). Drottningholm is used as a home for the current King and Queen and is located west of Stockholm. However, the scenes where Wilhelm is home is shot at a palace called Stora Sundby Slott. I doubt Wilhelm and his family would live here if they were the actual Royal Family since it's used as a place for people to gather when they want to hunt for sport. However, if they truly live at Stora Sundby, it takes almost two hours to drive from Stockholm to the castle.

Bjärstad is AT LEAST two hours away from Stockholm.

Bjärstad to Stora Sundby Castle takes approximately an hour and a half by car, and between nine and twelve hours by bus. Which means these two boys can't just take a twenty minute bus to see each other.

Bjärstad to Drottningholm takes a little over two hours by car and four-ish hours by bus.

Bjärstad to Stockholm Slott takes over two hours by car and three and a half hours by bus.

Hillerska is shot at Kaggeholms Slott (Kaggeholm Palace), and is a hotel.

The age of consent in Sweden is 15, HOWEVER it's illegal to have sex with someone four or more years younger than you if you're not both over the age of 18. Let me illustrate: -Person A is 15 and Person B is 15. It's legal because both are 15. -Person A is 15 and Person B is 20. It's illegal, because there's a five year old gap between them. -Person A is 15 and Person B is 18. It's legal (but probably frowned upon), because they're both 15 or older and there's not a four year gap between them. -Person A is 18 and Person B is 30. It's legal, because both are 18 or older. Idk if this makes sense or if this is what it looks like anymore, but this is what it was like when I still went to school. Obviously people aren't going to run around and call you names if you happen to date someone four years younger than you (I know a girl who met a guy when she was 14 and he was over 20), but please, be mindful of this. Our age of consent doesn't give you a right to be weird and nasty to teenagers (yes, I'm talking about Edvin).

Also, the Royal Family have their own website, which you can find here. As far as I can see, there's more information on the Swedish page, but there's plenty translated to English. You can also read of the Swedish Royal Family and its history on the palaces's website, here.

All pictures have been taken straight from Google. I haven't used any sources, because this is shit I do every single year with my family. Feel free to correct me or add things you do, but keep it respectful, please!

Friendly reminder that I've simplified some parts of this to make sense, specifically the dates of the Advent celebrations.

If there's anything you don't understand or want more information on, you're welcome to contact me! I take pretty long to reply, but I'll definitely try to get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you!