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whimsically-ominously-auspice · 5 years ago

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There was this little boy. He was so so so bad.

Oh he was bad in the boys bunker.

Saint Luches complained to me he wanted to ring his little neck but he was too cute. But he was just smashing shit up all the time, making a mess and being disrespectful.

I went down i saw what he did and i said "oh he ain't too bad, put him in the girl's bunker"

"Are you kidding me? They'll all be dead by morning! Lets take him home with me. Ill whip him into shape"

"Oh i get to be a girl" oh he was a smart ass!! Oh he was gonna need a good fixing before he got too old.

"Oh I see why you wanna take him home. Hes kinda funny. It's been bored around the house kind of late"

"I know. Sex and food. Sex and food. I need something more substantial"

"Oh it's been great. I've loved it i must admit. But i love you and I might just love you, too, huh little girl?"

"Sex and food" he was tossing his head and mocking while i talked. I thought maybe he wasn't listening then he jumped and turned to face us "IM A BOY!" scared me He looked like he could kill me

"Oh i didn't know. Lets go. Keep on walking. Were almost there. Not too long now"

"Ima girl. Ima swish my hair" he tossed his shoulders and smoothed his hair down. But he twisted up his face all angry and did it. Which made it hilarious.

I tried to stifle a giggle.

He jumped in front of us again. We were both smiling this time, not worried about the future or the child between us.

"Alright let's go" he got between us and grabbed our arms and pulled us along fast. Boy walked fast for as tiny as he was.

Saint Luches looked at me wide eyes like OMG "these mood swings on this one What a wild one!!"

"Come on let's go" he chomped out at his throat

"Ohhhhh he's a cartoon"

"GI JOE, yep i hear it. Unfortunately he's the bad guy"

I Bent over at my waist "is that GI JOE, little one?"

"Come on let's go" he used the same gruff voice "what's this thing called?"

"An elevator"

"How did you know what he was asking about, babe?"

"He was looking up at the numbers"

"14th floor" said our little unknown soldier.

"Oh he's good. He knows what an elevator is used for. I wonder what his name is"

"My name's not Joe but you can call me Joe" he barged into our apartment with us.

"Oh this is gonna be fun!!" I wheeed myself in "you can put your coat here by the door"

"He leaves it on" saint Luches turned to tell me "wait wha???" He stopped and looked in wonder and amazement as the kid took off his coat

"Here you can put it on the hook up there. Im too short." Said the gruff boy "I always put it on when you get there because you take us outside you dummy dipshit"

"Woaaaah!! I love this kid already!! Hes so smart and kind! Totally gracious, too"

Saint Luches rubbed his face in agony like what the Hell did I do to my perfect life?!?!

"Dont worry, you're beautiful" I touched his arm as I passed from the foyer into the living room where he awaited for us, me and little dude.

"Are you two gonna have sex? My mom use to and ow my arm!"

I got on my knees next to him "Oh no. Here let me see it." I rubbed his long skinny arm "where does it hurt?"

"It doesn't i just wanted to see what you would do" still the gruff voice

"This isn't the first kid you brought home but this is the first lying one" I went to see saint Luches in the doorway.

"He barely did!!" Saint Luches complained "don't jump on the couch!! He's already called me a dipshit, too. And I'm gonna get him!!"

"Don't..." I put my hand on my forehead and turned, my hand sliding down my face as I did.

"Hey now I gotcha!!" He grabbed that kid off the couch and boy he started beating him about the head and shoulders. I can tell when Saint Luches is trying to be patient. And when he's really holding a temper. And when he's confused.

"Hey now, let's see. Come here" that little kid made sound effects as he latched onto my arm with his teeth. "He hasn't mentioned a dad. Just a mom. But apparently he doesn't like her either" i let little Joe tear At my arm and shake it in his mouth like a dinosaur. Pulling back hurts the kid with that tight a teeth grip and growing teeth shouldn't be damaged and in addition ripping my arm back increases the risk of ripping apart my arm in huge ways. Otherwise its bite marks and chew marks which heal much faster.

'What the hell!?!?!?!?" Saint Luches put the kid down "see? I told you! All dead by morning!!"

"He just needs some toys. Lets see what we have in the toy box by the window here"

"My mom's on drugs. I get toys"

"He can have them. Just leave you alone! God. What the Hell did i do here?!"

"The other boys will be here soon. You can ask them"

"My mom is on drugs. Yeah yeah yeah."

"Boys?"

"Just the Alan. I forgot the others.. Should be or are dead"

"My mom's on drugs. Yeah yeah yeah"

"What the Hell is he saying to you?"

"I know i heard you sweetie! My dad is a drug addict, too!"

"My mom, she says she's not an addict. Just on drugs, there's a difference. And we're not black. Just not white"

"That's okay. You can be any color you want to be"

"Nuh uh. I only stay one. I checked!!"

"Yeah don't you feel dumb?" Saint Luches asked.

"Why because idk how to change colors?" He crawled across the floor, "oh teach me wise one"

Saint Luches lost his funny bone with this one. I thought it was hilarious.

"Admit it! You want to laugh! Oh wise one bringing this lad to me!"

"He isn't wise! It was a joke!"

"At least the voice?! It makes it fun!"

"He's the evil guy on the cartoon show!"

"Well ask Alan. Because i don't think so, he's too smart. Plus he knew you were mad for him jumping on the couch"

"Oh jump on the couch" there he went.

"You deal with this one. You already been bit"

"Give me your hand. Now what do you want to do? Sit or get down? You could fall and get hurt"

"Fall? This is just like mine at home.. I thought"

"Its white!!" Saint Luches Makes so much sense to kids that are taught to jump on sofas then kidnapped.

"When this one is a little different sweetie. We prefer you didn't jump on it. So lets talk what's this guy's voice, the way you talk. Sound like, what does the cartoon character that most resembles your voice look like"

"Oh he's tall and nonchalant. He is for real. Let's watch see if it's on"

That little boy grew up into a man. He is on TV. He still pretends to be GI JOE, but in big kids style.

On SWAT. Criminal Minds.

He would be bad. And he would test patience and he used to be beat at home. He knew what a real ass whooping was.

I'd count if he didn't wanna get up and put away the toys. 1. 2.

"Can I watch tv still?"

"Pick up the toys it's still on"

3. 4.

"What number is it?"

"Oh i forgot. Now you be good so i don't have to count and I'll make some food/breakfast and we will eat on the floor in front of the white couch"

I made him pick up toys we left in the floor the night before. Then he Just took them right back out.

Saint Luches complained about them in the floor "hon, will you have him pick them up?"

"Sure babe" and he still complained.

I took him to work with me and we would watch cartoons till the last minute.

So Saint Luches got so mad. He said "im gonna go in late to work to see what you do to this kid. He's well behaved but there's toys all over the place"

He played with a doll. A block and 2 carton of cigarette boxes. That was it.

So he got us to time the cartoon and when 5 minutes was left he got the kid to put them under the TV

"Oh that was easy!! I thought you wanted him to do it as exercise. To practice! For when he went home or something and got old! Now you can quit bitching!"

Saint Luches was right, tho. He would killed those women. I had just finished telling him about a new lamp and how it was heavy. And he picked it up over his head. I didn't mention not to touch it. But i was in the floor when he decided to. Scared me to death.

Alan worked nights. So i started screaming for him cause i had just taken him breakfast in bed and he thought i was being dramatic

But really he just wanted to see how heavy the lamp really was.

I had been having bad dreams. We had just kicked Matt Hagan out for wanting to human traffic. And i kept dreaming he was going to go back for revenge. We had the new lamp and I had dreamed he attacked us with it. But kept plugging it in all over the house.

And I just saw his rage face when the kid had it.

It took saint Luches like 10 days to settle himself. Kids were not really his thing... Not kids he didn't understand.

Usually we sent most kids to the woman's side because all the girls fussed over the babies and young ones. So they were always mothered and taken care of.

I didn't have too much trouble with him. Usually he got his cars stuck in my hair if I forgot to pull it up. But he would drive them on my arms and shoulders.

I did take him to the doctor because he always gruffed the GI JOE voice. But the doctor said he didn't have damage and in time he would talk.

I had figured he felt either uncomfortable or comfortable and So he used a different voice than at home just because his life was different.

The doctor agreed it may be psychological. I Just wanted to ensure he didn't have a problem internally. So Saint Luches took him for the xrays the next day.

"He was fine. But he kept playing with those two empty cigarette cartons." Saint Luches told me

I told him they weren't cigarette boxes, they were cannons. Mac trucks, moving vehicles. They were every thing but empty cigarette cartons.

So Saint Luches bought him every thing under the sun. But still he wanted those empty cigarette cartons.

"Why?! Why?!? Why!?! Why do you do this to me?!?!" Saint Luches grabbed him by the shirt after crawling to him on his knees

"Because you tell me not to throw. I throw this you say good job. Paper airplane good job. Ball? Boy don't throw! I like all my toys to be throw. And lightweight" he said in a deep almost normal voice.

"See he's smart! And he listens to you!" I pleaded with him to find a happy medium.

So Saint Luches went into the toy box and pulled out all the toys the child could throw and put them seperate in a laundry hamper. "Throw. Throw. Throw. You can throw all these"

"But you told me this 'no throw' and this and this and this and this and this"

The child nearly emptied the hamper.

"Now what's he doing?"

"He is not negotiating with you. Hes telling you what you've told him before. I've seen him out the corner of my eye when we watch TV. Hes been testing you. Checking to see if you notice and what you say. I watch his face. Thats why we bought the lamp so I could see."

"So, what you're saying is I've told him no to throwing all these toys before?"

"Yup. No honey" i got down on the floor with them, unfortunately there was tears in the child's eyes 4 tears "HE is telling you. This is what you see he has said to you and i have repeated it. Okay babe?"

"So, now what do i do?"

"Reinforce"

I took each object and showed it to them both and said "throw?" Until the child nodded. And i put it in the basket. When it was full. I picked up all the items and threw them behind me. I didn't look. Just tossed them.

Then I asked Saint Luches to help me clean up.

Then they both sat in the floor with the basket between them. "Well! Don't just sit there! Throw"

And the kid tossed some balls. Into the floor a foot from him.

"No, Saint Luches. I want you to throw with him" i got a toy from the basket "baby look. Throw?"

"I just said that yeah!"

"Ok baby look let me see your hand" i put the ball in his hand and made his wrist move to throw the ball out onto the floor. "Come on you can do better than that!"

Took him 2 days to learn to play with the 6 year old (we guessed) child.

Eventually we got another basket and they practiced throwing across the room from basket to basket.

We had him for 2 and a half weeks before I took him to Michael Jackson and said "he needs to be in TV. He memorizes everything and he is so good at it. Even does voices and sound effects"

Michael looked at me quizzically "you never do this. Singing yeah but acting no."

"But he has a gift. A deep gift. Try him. Give him a script"

He did. He blew Michael's mind.

"Get me his parents! I gotta sign this kid up!"

"She's on drugs that's all i know"

"This..this kid is a drug baby?!? No way! No way! You're right! And he's black! Two boot! Yeah that's my man!"

"Where did you get him from?"

"He was driving Saint Luches crazy in the bunker so we took him home"

"You aren't supposed to just take kids home you know"

"The CIA knew"

"I was just giving you a hard time. I'm lucky you did! Were all gonna be rich off this gem!"

"He really is sweet too!"

Here i am in mom jeans with my little girl with the swishy hair.

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