#idk what else i need lolll do you guys have any ideas... what's stuff people wear

[eschynite]

what do u guys think of my capsule wardrobe so far :)

[quietlyhere]

16th November 2019, 5.40am

So yeah this is just something I'm thinking about right now at this time on a saturday morning having not yet slept a wink... so like, bear with me

And sometimes I kind of drop stuff like this in therapy but it always gets breezed by because I guess she thinks it's better to talk about things that are personal to me or something? Or maybe I'm the one who breezes past it, idk. But write it out to see if it's anything near sense, yeah?

I'm a girl. Well, a woman I suppose. A cis lady. And I grew up in a western society with progressive parents and all that good stuff, but that... didn't stop society getting at me?

Getting at me? What am I getting at

I don't want to get too broad on this, because believe me I could, so I'm trying to clutch back at what exactly I was thinking about.

I have a brother older than me by 3 years. He's never been huge, but he's always been bigger than me. My dad is like a fitness kind of guy - not like he obsesses over it or anything but he genuinely likes going to the gym, it's like a mental health practice for him. And my mum, she's always kind of been tough? She grew up as the bolshier sister and ended up hanging out with tougher crowds from preteen onwards, like the cool girl in school who smokes with the older boys who you're little bit afraid of?

Anyway. Then there's me. I've always been little. I'm the youngest, I'm still the shortest now we're all fully grown adults, and as a kid I was small and blonde and shy. I wasn't brave or bolshy or any sort of physical presence.

And I felt needy. Growing up, I always felt like it was me creating problems, letting the team down, being too timid. When I think of young me, I think she was a wimp. I can still remember the way it felt whenever I had to be taken into special consideration, feeling like I was an issue to be worked around. My brother can't do this because I'm too wimpy to go too and it has to be fair. Someone has to miss out because they're looking after lil girly me.

I've always kind of been a picky eater. I don't deny it; I still am now. But looking back, I know that lots of kids are picky the way I was when I was young. It's not that abnormal. Yet mealtimes were made to seem - or so it felt at the time - like I was being difficult on purpose. Like I was doing it out of spite? Nah dude, I just fuckin hate mushrooms!! Of course I know my parents did it all right: they were, after all, literally just trying to get their child to eat something that didn't come in a Happy Meal. The childs needs the broccolis, I know it. But still that feeling is there.

Even now, when for example I just want to quietly get on with something like a chore or whatever: If I'm not alone, I get this insecure feeling like I'm not keeping pace with everyone else, like I'm not doing it the way I should, the quickest or simplest way. Since these days I am indeed a grown ass lady, I can occasionally remind myself that I am just doing this thing the way that is best for me... but sometimes that bad feeling wins, and I get anxious, and I feel immobilised by it.

And what I've realised, over the years, is that this is a very common way to feel... among women. Particularly those raised as girls.

Because bitch u kno it dat partriarchy!!!!

We're little, we're made to be little because little is how a little girl should be. If you're physically big as a young girl, you're not a proper little girl. If you have a big energy as a young girl, you're not a proper little girl. Little madam, probably.

I think I was naturally little. All-round. Then I was especially so because of my family circumstances (those mentioned both in and out of this post). And then I existed in the wider world, and I was supposed to be little, but I was supposed to maybe secretly be big or something but still look little and in my closer community I was sweet but too shy and how would I ever function in this modern nineties world when I'm like this and I need to be bigger and I don't want that because I think I'm a little but I should look big and little at the same time and feel mostly little energy but big on the inside like I'm some sort of TARDIS girl and the bigs have to protect me because I am too little but it feels like they shouldn't have to do that so I will be a big but I am not naturally a big so I will be a little in big clothing

Am I even making sense probs not lolll

As I said, I really could go much wider on this, particularly on the topic of the contradictions within societal expectations for women. But that's not what this is.

This is me just thinking about what all this does to a person.

When you're raised with a so-called feminine energy (little), and then pushed to a world in which, in order to survive, you allegedly must forever adapt to so-called masculine energy (big)... you're essentially encouraged to develop a mask in order to cope. Just to cope. With life.

That feeling of shame I would get, that feeling of being a burden on the people around me, is a result of feeling like one has failed at keeping that mask on. Like letting your little show through at the wrong moment is a weakness. And so many women feel this way, on whatever level, conscious of it or not, fighting or embracing it, and it echoes out upon fragile masculinity, and it... like it is just weird, right?

God, I really wanted to be concise on this, but bitch we all been knew I'd lose the thread. I have no idea now if I have made the original point I was thinking about but... I should sleep.

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

1/14/17, 5:41am - can’t sleep

too much stuff on my mind. and a bit of a headache. I know I said I’d quit this thing, but I can’t. but as far as I’m concerned, if I’m going to cop out of that I’m at least going to swear off the kiss-and-tell braggadocio though. And tone down the negative vibe. 

This aboutta be some feelgood shit up in here. 

I mean not everything’s going great. To be totally honest I still have literally no idea how this financial situation is going to work out. But I’m sure it will.

But my friends have been so good to me. I love them all so much.

Need to start with the excellent gourmet kingdom dinner that I went out to with the smash fam on wednesday. Lucas, Corey, Dylan, Patricio, Clem, Jwilli, Spencer all treated me. Fuck I hope I’m not forgetting someone lmao. I know I’m forgetting like one or two mofukkas. I wasn’t going to go ofc, but since I wasn’t going to go because money was tight they offered to pay for my meal and I reluctantly accepted.  [as much as i’d do it for anyone, I still feel a little bothered accepting these kinds of gifts from my friends. I don’t really feel like I can’t take care of myself or something, I just feel like I... shouldn’t. Because if I can’t plan on coming out of my own financial problems how can I plan on paying them back and how can I accept a gift in the first place then?]

Thursday I got to team with Ian, and it was some of the most fun I’ve ever had playing in tournament. We DOMINATED the winners bracket of that tournament. only lost one game and had some of the filthiest combos I’ve ever seen in my life. Just got cold waiting for grands and didn’t play as well. Was so much fun though, really made me happy to have poured so much time into practicing. Just gotta keep doing better.

After the tournament a whole ton of people came over to my place to play for the night. Can’t even get into it but it was great. in all I played from 4pm until 6am and only stopped because I got a splitting headache and felt like I was going to die finally hahahah... Probably should have gotten some dinner or somethnig lmao.

I was supposed to try to play with Kevin today, but instead I spent the day with Weilin. Him and a few people had crashed at my place, so we went on a mini road trip to take Decker back to greensboro. We spent a little time trying to get his phone fixed, spent some time trying to find me new pants, ate some delicious gyros and had a long car talk about hentai and the pursuit of happiness and financial goals and life and melee and everything, man. So glad that happened. 

We met up with Arun, Arvind, Irene, and Broscious to eat at Bali Hai and do an escape room out at durham. Got a huge ass plate of meat thanks to weilin covering for me, and had a great time solving the 90′s themed puzzles with the gang. We tore it up, too. Only got stumped by a cd in a book and a madonna song hahaha. Those guys are all some smart motherfuckers, I’ll tell ya whattt. And while we waited for this safe to unlock me and Broscious got to slam down some Pogs and mostly just slap them around on a table hahahahaha. I was supposed to go to a party tonight that my old pokemon go team was throwing to celebrate Kelly turning level 40, but there was no way I was gonna pull myself away from those guys for anything. We spent a couple hours playing board games and talking/gossipping/catching up and getting cookout. Excited as fuck to do it again tomorrow.

But the real reason I’m writing this post is because Irene wanted us to do this neat little thing that was admittedly a little lame but amazingly feelgood and really made me happy. I think she called it a compliment circle, where we all had to think of at least a compliment for each other, and we took turns doing whatever the opposite of a roast is. I really don’t want to forget any of the things that they said, because it’s not often that people go out of their way to give you honest totally-for-nothing compliments, yknow? They’re not verbatim because my short term memory sucks, but I’ll do my best here.

“You’re the best.” “you have a beautiful smile and jaw structure and face and eyes and you’re just a great looking dude and if I were a chick I’d date you and if you were a chick I’d date you, and if we both were chicks I’d date you.” “it seems like you always have a lot of things messing with your life, but despite that you’re always a great person to be around. you never seem to let things get to you and you always have a smile on your face and you’re never a downer.” “you do a lot of things for your friends and the melee community and just people in general. you never really seem to expect anything in return and I don’t think that gets brought up much.” “You make me push myself to be better.” “I like your nose” (weird. broscious, you don’t read my blog, do you??) “you’ve got a really warm personality and do a really great job of including everyone when you try to talk to them and like in the puzzle room.” “You’re always there for me, even at times when nobody else was.”

goddamn, man. I don’t even care if it’s narcissistic to put those down here. I have to put them Somewhere. Literally shed a tear writing them down, I feel so good about all that shit. It really couldn’t have come at a better time with everything hitting the fan and all of my self image issues recently. Maybe they knew that. 

What I didn’t think to tell them then was that it’s friends like them and everyone I hung out this week and everyone in my life that cares about me still that make my life so happy in the first place. It’s like... when I finally get to be in a room with people I know and can enjoy their company it’s like all the bullshit that exists outside just isn’t important anymore. Relaxing by talking and playing games is so fucking wonderful.

Speaking of my issues again, might as well follow up on new years goals and self improvement stuff.

Feeling much better about my teeth. Got my cavities filled (I had fucking TEN), got my teeth cleaned for the first time in years, I’ve finally got this image out of my head that my crowned tooth looks dead. Forreal, idk if it was the cleaning, or just talking to the dentist about whether they think it matches and then thinking about it, or what the deal is, but I Swear ever since I decided it wasn’t worth having my crown replaced again it’s looked better. Matches color better and more consistently, doesn’t look off balanced, I just look good. I really want to blame it on the cleaning but maybe it really was just a mental thing... Idk. I’m just happy my teeth are finally healthy, holy shit thinking about my mouth too hard the past couple years has been horrifying. Right now my gums hurt because I flossed for the first time in forever. Might be why I can’t sleep, but starting good habits.

Don’t know what’s up with my weight, haven’t been keeping track of that yet.

Have been doing Great about drinking water. Have only drank soda on a few occasions at all, back to living on powdered lemonade like I said I would. Probably should still be drinking more, but off to a great start. Still haven’t been on reddit since the new year (though I don’t think I wrote this resolution down), but still passively start to type it in the search bar sometimes. Shit’s difficult. Progress on my septum is put on hold for now, family doctor is waiting to refer me until I have a followup visit with them about my lab work. Supposedly I had “small red blood cells” so like either dehydration or anemia. Probably both lolll. Hopefully not something more serious, but who knows. Been taking a multivitamin daily. Been spending less money lmaoooo.  Haven’t been cooking for myself the past few days but DID start doing that finally. Just gotta keep it up.  Still no good on exercise. Still haven’t bought a pack of cigarettes. Smoking a lot of that pipe tobacco, but it definitely doesn’t make me feel cravings like cigs do. Pretty great there.  Started goofing around on tinder again just to get that out of the way. Got a few matches, but I’ve been sandbagging this game really hard lol. e.g. I’ve been a lottt more picky about who I swipe, way too detailed about how nerdy I am in my profile, and not playing with it all that much tbh. I.e. doing all the things that are probably healthier dating habits but are def not anything close to how you need to play tinder to be successful from what I’ve ever experienced. That being said I’ve already partially rediscovered my hatred for it and think it’s a waste of time, but whatever. Not entirely motivated to meet new people right now anyway, so even if I’m not exactly happy to be swiping through a couple dozen people without matching I’m definitely not let down either. It just doesn’t feel like the right time for me, and also I totally wouldn’t have money for dates now that I think about it lmaoo. Last thing I’m gonna mention is that I haven’t been fucking with my fingers nearly as much. Just lost my week-or-so streak I was on, fidgeting in the car today, but def doing a lot better.

Everything’s doing a lot better. I’m still totally fucked, but I feel pretty great and I’m doing pretty great and everything’s going to be even more great soon enough.

#pogchamp [6:52am. never gonna sleep oh god rip hahaha]