#idk man this is nonsense i'm going through some mood swings rn

[sssapplebottomjeans]

tw: suicidal ideation, suicide attempt it's important to me that varian has that nagging want for death in the back of his head. he has the amber solution and he wonders if it should've been him. he catches himself staring at the rocks and their sharp points. he refuses food in prison and stays up all night just to see if maybe that would work but it's also important to me that he doesn't actively start trying to put himself in life or death situations until midway through his time in prison. i feel like until that point he was determined on freeing quirin and would've kept going for that, that was his goal, that was his something to live for, but at some point, when you've lost everything, it's been so long, everything you tried failed and your father is as good as dead.. he gets reckless

he gets in fights with the separatists, he walks down dark alleyways alone knowing there might be a few people there who don't want to see his face, he doesn't wear proper safety equipment when experimenting, knowing those chemicals burn and those fumes are toxic (not like ever wore decent equipment in the first place though) and sets off more traps and bombs during fights than would ever be considered necessary and then he actually tries to blow himself up for the sake of the kingdom in the s3 premiere. airship scene how you haunt me